Original subtitles

[Instrumental music]

[Laughing] You crazy. He is seven foot two, he will beat the dumb out your ass.

Yeah, then I'll finally be able to outsmart him, Ton'.

Hey, Baby, I uh...

Ahh, ahh, ah. Lisa, Lisa, this is the man cave, okay.

What is the password to enter the man cave?

What's the password for the woman cave?

Access granted. Come on in.

What can I do for you, Baby?

Uh, I really need your help cleaning the house, Honey.

Oh, that's what we have kids for.

Come on, Tony. They're not even here.

Now I told you my Aunt Fae is coming tomorrow and you already know how she is.

She criticizes everything and so nitpicky.

Mm hm. Well, she just need to nitpicky herself and stay at home. How about that?

Tony Stallworth, have some respect for your wife's aunt. man!

How old is she?

She's Aunt age.

What, I like Aunts. Aunt Jemima thick as hell.

Now they got her out them Mammy clothes, she's kind of fly.

Donnie, I know you like, uh cougars, but Aunt Fae is a sabretooth.

Hey! Stop talkin' about my Aunt.

You don't even like her.

Well she's still my family. Now come help me clean up.

All right. I'll be right up.

As soon as I finish watching this game.

Man, you better get up there and help her!

If she get mad, she can cut off the food supply, which indirectly affects me!

Plus, I'm about to go anyway, man. This ain't no game.

They getting blown out by twenty-five points.

What you about to do?

Ah, the grocery store. I gotta do some shopping.

Grocery store?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You be going grocery shopping but you be over here eating up all my food?

Yeah, I don't go shopping for the groceries Ton', I go shopping for the ladies.

[Chuckles] Yeah, see when they're in the club they're with all their hating-ass friends.

But when they in the grocery store, they be solo and vulnerable.

Man, knock it off. You don't be meeting no fine women at the grocery store.

That only happens in the movies.

Yeah, all right. I got a date with this one tonight.

Damn! Where'd you meet her? The melon section?

[Laughing]

Hey, you gonna help me clean up or not?

Yes, Ma'am. I'm on my way right now.

But uh, do you need anything from the store? I hear they're having a sale on melons.

[Laughing]

* Woke up and my wife said to me

* The bill collectors won't let me be

* The kids keep talkin' back to me

* Family Time

* Family time, family time, family time

[Instrumental music] [Knocking]

Lisa! I'm here to help you clean.

Let's do this, huh?

Uh, Cheryl, what are you wearing?

Oh, this old thing? You mean my spring cleaning clothes?

Oh, this dress, right? Paris Couture. You're welcome.

Um, yeah, it's beautiful, but I thought you were going to help me clean?

Oh yeah. This is what I clean in.

Well you know what, whatever works. Whatever works.

At least you're here to help. I mean, I said chores and my kids

they, they shot out of here like a bat out of hell.

And what about your big teddy bear?

Oh, please. My big Tony Bear? All he cleans is his plate.

All righty. You don't have to worry about anything because I'm here.

And I'm going to help you get this place mean and clean. Put me to work. I'm ready.

What shall I do?

Mean and clean! Yeah!

You know what? Can you start with the windows?

Oh! Um, sorry. It's just, I don't really do windows.

It's like a, a personal pet peeve is all.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay, a personal pet peeve. We all have one.

Good, you understand.

Totally. I'll do the windows and you can do the guest, the guest bathroom.

Oh! Oh, you're serious! No. No. I don't do bathrooms.

Oh God, who does that? You know what, my cleaning lady Silvia, she does that.

I'm going to get her.

One thing, she only speaks Tagalog. Are you bi-lingual? Don't worry, I'll translate.

No, no, no! Cheryl! You know what, it's okay. Never mind.

Woo. You are worse than Tony and the kids.

Wait, okay. Wait a second. Lisa just tell me again what is this sudden spring cleaning about?

I told you! My nitpicky Aunt Fae is coming to visit.

Oh yes, I remember her. She is needy and overly judgmental.

Do you know, she tried to imply that my designer handbag from

Paris was actually a knock-off from Paris, Texas?

[Gasp] Yes.

- Rude. - Yes.

The gall.

The gall. That's what I said.

That's crazy.

- Mm. - So you do remember her?

- Oh, I remember her. - Mm-hmm.

I don't even know why you let her in this house.

Oh, the inheritance. Okay.

Okay.

What, what are you talking about?

No, yeah, I get it.

You're only nice to her for the inheritance.

Makes total sense.

Cheryl. [Coughs]

Oh, you think I'm judging you.

I am not judging you. I love money. I love it.

I mean, my trips to Rodeo Drive, spa treatments, my cleaning lady Silvia.

Well, that's nice. But no, I mean I'm not, I'm not materialistic, you know, but...

Okay, there is this ring that I would love to get my hands on, you know.

To pass it down to my daughter.

You know just something sentimental.

Yeah. Oh, you have to tell me everything. I want to know everything. Why is so valuable?

Is it the cut, the color the clarity? Is it a VVS1? Two? Princess Cut?

Does it have documentation?

No, it's not even a diamond. it's not even a diamond.

An emerald? I love emeralds!

No, not quite.

Lisa, is it at least a hard stone? Don't tell me this is a cubic.

Okay, I don't know. I don't know if it's a cubic, but goodness you are really materialistic.

Mm. It's a gift and a curse.

No, it's just you know, it's a family heirloom that's been passed down through generations.

My great-grandmother gave it to my grandmother who was supposed to give it to my mother

but for some reason she gave it to Aunt Fae.

What's wrong with that?

I mean well, she flaunts it in me and my sisters faces all the time.

You know, and she doesn't even have any kids so honestly, the

next person in line to get it would either be me or one of my sisters.

Who made you like the Lord of the Rings?

-I invited you over to help me clean, ok. -Yeah.

Not to give me all this unconstructive criticism!

Absolutely. And I'm going to help you. I'm am, Oh!

I'm going to vacuum. Huh? I can do that! This will be fun, yeah.

We'll just. Okay. Huh. This is fun.

You're going to need to turn that on, Cheryl.

Oh.

Yeah, you gotta plug it in.

Yeah, but then it makes a lot of noise. You know what? I'm going to go make tea.

Because we need to stay hydrated. Do you want to help me boil the water?

[Instrumental music]

Stallworth construction, how may I help you?

Hell no, we ain't building no strip clubs. This is a family-oriented business!

Actually we specialize in strip clubs. Come on down, we can talk about pole placement.

Hello? Hello?

Damn it, Melinda! You're costing me business.

Well, ain't gotta lower your standards for them.

I mean we a family business.

Yeah, and I'm trying to feed my family. Those girls are trying

to work their way through med school.

Really?

Did you file those zoning permits like I asked?

Uh, I thought that was you was out doing?

You know we really gotta work on your time management skills.

[Sighs]

B.I.G. Tony! What's up brother?

What's up, Donnie? Who is this lovely lady?

Oh, this lovely thing right here is Diamond.

Remember melons from the grocery store?

Oh, right, right, right. Nice to meet you, Melon. I mean Diamond.

Oh, hey, Tony. Uh, I've heard so much about you.

Hm.

Is he the only person in the room?

Excuse me one second, Baby.

All right.

Hey, Melinda. Uh, no need to get jealous. This is my new lady, Diamond, okay?

Don't you like how she shines?

[Laughing]

Trust and believe, I'm not jealous.

Oh, I've also heard a lot about you.

Oh?

Stay away from my Donnie.

Okay.

[Laughing]

Yeah, so Ton', we came over here first and foremost stunt.

[Laughing] And second to let you know that we're in love.

You know, at least that's what she tells me.

No, we are in love!

[Signing] Crazy in love!

[Laughing]

Crazy part I get. But uh, in love after just a few days?

Yeah, I don't think I could ever leave his side. Ever.

Oh.

[Laughing]

Yeah, she likes to cuddle.

Oh, I sure do, Boo Boo.

Oh, you're my Boo Boo.

No, you're my Boo Boo.

This is a business. So, do you mind taking that business somewhere else?

Speaking of Boo Boo, you need to flush that attitude.

[Laughing]

[Instrumental music]

[Doorbell Rings]

Aunt Fae!

Oh, hi!

Hi!

[Kissing sounds]

You look amazing!

You do, too.

So good to see you.

Uh.

Let me look at you.

Why are you carrying these big bags?

Let me see your hands.

You need a manicure. And they're rough and hard like the hands of a lumberjack.

Have you been chopping trees or something?

No, no. I'll keep that in mind though.

Please do.

I'll get a manicure. I'll work on that.

Please sit down right here and relax. I know you gotta be a

little tired from your long trip.

Yes, I am. But,

all the way here all I could think about was that bed in your guest bedroom, girl.

Really? You remember our bed, Aunt Fae?

How could I forget it? It was just as lumpy as all get-out!

I'm sorry about that. I'll try to...

That husband of yours, by the way, how is he doing? Darryl?

Oh, it's Tony.

You could have done better. I always felt like that.

But uh, the children. How are they doing?

They're so good, Aunt Fae. Devin is about to finish high school

and Ebony, she's been on the honor roll for three years.

Oh, that's so good to hear.

Cause let me tell you something.

I was deeply concerned after I met Tony, that one of them was

going to be born with a learning disability.

Nope. Nope. They are just fine, Aunt Fae.

Anyway thank you so much for inviting me to come.

Well, you know when I heard you booked for flight

I figured it was the right thing for me to do.

Thank you.

But uh you, you never mentioned why you were coming.

Can't an Auntie come and visit her favorite niece?

Of course, Aunt Fae, don't be silly. Or course you can.

Aunt Fae is very sick.

What?

But we not going to make a big to-do over this, okay?

Lisa, you know that you've always been my favorite niece.

I was?

Yes, I, I have something I want you to have.

You...me?

But I tell you what. Let's just put this on the back burner.

We'll talk about it a little later on and will you make me a sandwich?

No trouble at all. What would like, Aunt Fae?

Okay, okay. Give me a non-processed turkey sandwich.

Mkay.

Okay, on, on gluten-free wheat bread.

Slightly toasted.

[Singing] Gimme some beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes, ham, ram.

Anything else?

And then get me a large glass of iced tea.

Gotcha.

-If I'm not asking too much. -That's, that's not too much at all, Aunt Fae.

Then after that...

Mm hm?

Will you come back and rub my feet for me?

[Instrumental music]

Mister Stallworth could you get me some coffee, please?

Oh, so I'm Mister Coffee now?

Works for me, two sugars.

Where the hell is he?

Uh, welcome to Stallworth Construction. Can we help you?

I'm looking for that young Thundercat I seen roll in here with my ex-girlfriend.

[Sighs] Thank God.

Thundercat? Ew, but you must be talking about Donnie.

That's his name?

Damn, Melinda. You go and sell my boy out like that?

Donnie? Of course.

So?

Hey man, don't make me call security.

Man, you ain't got security!

I checked before I rode in here.

You right. You right. That was a bad time to bluff.

Yeah, whatever.

Next time you see Donnie, you let him know Butch got a real special message for him.

Aight?

You know what, I could help you find him, actually.

-Um, I have his cell phone number. -Man, whatever!

[Instrumental music]

[Instrumental music]

Lisa.

Ooh, I thought your hands were really rough, but naw girl.

You should have been a masseuse.

You think?

Ya, you know I don't know why Terrell, won't let

you have a real job?

Oh, it's, it's Tony, Aunt Fae.

Ton, listen Tony, Terrell, whatever it's still the same.

Boy, that feels good keep doing it.

I'm a stay-at-home mom, just by choice Aunt Fae, honestly.

But, if I did have a calling, it would be art.

I love to paint.

Uh huh, but now you know I have seen your painting, right?

Stick to feet.

[Audience laughter]

How long did you say you're going to be in town?

I didn't.

You didn't, huh.

Lisa, got to talk to you.

Well, if it isn't Tyrone.

It isn't.

How you doing, Aunt Fae?

I was doing good before you interrupted my massage.

Sorry about that. It'll be just a minute.

Can I talk to you for a second, please?

Hurry back.

Can you believe she had me in there rubbing her feet like some indentured servant?

Good thing you got them lumberjack hands.

But listen, what you need to remember is what they taught you in school, okay?

Just say no.

Stand up to your Aunt.

She might be dying, Tony.

You ain't fooling nobody. I know what this is about. This about that damn ring.

What? This is not about a ring, Tony.

Okay, what it's about then?

It's, not about a ring. It's... not.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

[Chuckling] It's not, Tony. Okay, it's just, it's a little sentimental.

And I think it might be worth a lot of money.

So, we're not moved by money.

It's probably worth twenty-five grand.

You better get in there and rub them feet.

Go on!

Tony! What'd you want to talk about?

Oh. I think Donnie's dying, too. And he ain't worth twenty-five cent.

- What? - Mm-hmm.

Why? What happened?

Apparently, he's got beef with a professional wrestler.

Huh?

Some big ass bear busted in my office today looking for him.

Apparently, he's dating his ex.

Ooo. That's bad.

Mm hm.

[Aunt Fae] Lisa! Can you come and get this gout out of my other foot?

Oh no. Oh no. That's bad.

Go on, get to rubbin'. Go on.

- No! - Go on!

Don't touch me with them hands though.

[Instrumental music]

[Tony] Brother, call me back.

Melinda, have you seen Donnie?

Last night, actually. In my nightmares.

I've been calling him since yesterday. He won't answer his damn phone.

Whew! Big Tony! What's up, Baby?

Donnie, where have you been? I've been calling you since yesterday!

Aw, chill out, man. I was just hanging with my cutie. spending a little Q.T.

Get it? A little play on words?

Plus, my phone died and Diamond wouldn't let me use a charger.

She wanted all my attention.

You got problems, brother. Because I know somebody else who wants your attention.

Your girl, Diamond? Her ex came over here looking for you, saying he has a special message.

What'd he look like?

Just the thickest human I've ever seen in my life.

Had to be ex-military. Because he was extra-large.

[Laughing] What am I supposed to be, scared?

You know what they say, you snooze you lose!

[Donnie] Want some, get some! Bad enough, take some!

Cause I ain't scared of nothin'!

[Clears throat]

Ton', he feel bad enough to take some.

You Donnie?

Me? Naw. I'm Ronnie.

Why you lying to that man, Donnie?

Oh, you said, Donnie? Naw. I thought you said Ronnie. Yeah, I'm Donnie!

Listen, brother. You're right. I can say it from here.

That's my boy, okay.

You want him, you have to come for me, man. What, what you want to do?

What you want to do?

Look man, I know you're dating Diamond.

And I got something to tell you.

That you're going to rip my arms off and beat me with 'em?

Naw, but I got something to tell you eye-to-eye so get your ass over here.

Come on, Ton', let's see what he wants.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, it's all you, brother.

Come on, man.

Hey, man!

I got somethin' to tell you.

I want to say thank you, man. Thank you!

Man, that girl been stalking me for the past three years since I broke up with her.

What?

Man, that girl is crazy with a K!

I ain't been able to shake her.

I mean I changed my name, I lost weight.

Wait, wait. You were bigger than that?

Yeah, a little bit.

I mean, I would have thought after the jail time things would have changed.

I ain't been able to shake her until she got with you!

What the hell?

But be careful, man.

She ain't got it all.

But she all yours.

I'm going to see you at seven thirty, right Melinda?

Oh.

I will be ready at seven.

I'm see you later, Donnie.

Woo!

[Instrumental music]

[Lisa] Wait, so you mean to tell me

Donnie's new girlfriend is actually the crazy one and not bigfoot?

Mm hm. Butch actually turned out to be a pretty cool brother.

Invited us all to go play ball with him next week.

Wait, I hope it wasn't football.

Anyway, how's it going with Aunt Fae?

[Aunt Fae] Lisa!

- Speaking of the devil. - mm.

What're y'all talkin' 'bout?

Uh, could you run me some water in your jacuzzi tub?

What, uh, the only bathroom with a jacuzzi in it is our bathroom.

Oh, thank you. That is so kind of you.

I appreciate that.

Okay, listen here, Aunt Fae.

Lisa's too nice, but I'm not.

No, no, no, no. Tony, you know what? I got it.

Remember you're my favorite.

[Clears throat] Aunt Fae, ever since you got here, you know you been bossing me around.

You really have. Lisa do this. Lisa do that. Lisa rub my feet.

I can't, I'm tired, okay?

I need a foot rub myself!

I thought that that was Todd's job!

Okay, you going to stop butchering my name.

You might want to take a seat. I got a little more to say.

Aunt Fae? You are needy. Overly judgmental. Selfish. Self-centered.

I am?

Pain in...

Okay, okay, Lisa. Don't need to hit her with the upper cut.

Tony, she's right.

A lot of times I, I know I can be a bit much.

At all times. At all times. Let me tell you something else.

I know you got me jumping through hoops because you think I want your little funky ring.

But, no amount of money is worth the lack of respect you show me and my family!

Can I get an amen?

Amen!

For the record, I don't feel disrespected at all.

Thank you. I'm so glad I know your real feelings.

It is what it is, you know.

Nobody's ever had the nerve to stand up against me like this or even in my face.

I think it's really kind of refreshing.

Thank you for putting me in my place.

I appreciate all of the things that you all said, even though they were licks.

I want to come clean and tell you I'm not dying.

You're not? [Clears throat] You're not?

Mm-mm.

What about when you said you were sick?

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have bouts with my gout.

But,

I want you to have this ring.

But before I even give it to you,

you've got to promise me

that you'll always keep it in the family.

This is a family heirloom. Would you do that? Promise me. Promise.

I promise.

All right. Get over here and give me a hug, girl.

Oh. Love you, Aunt Fae.

You too, Cleroy.

Come on here, Tony. Give me...

[Laughing]

I can't breath.

Uh oh.

I'm sorry, you okay?

[Instrumental music]

Thank you, Aunt Fae. This has really been a pleasure.

Girl, who do you think you're fooling?

I know I gave you the business this trip.

[Laughing]

Yeah, yeah. You really did but hopefully next visit you'll remember it's nice to be nice.

Yes. And hopefully I'll get the invitation.

Oh yeah. Most definitely. Especially if you cook.

Because you know what I like to eat?

No, but if you want me to,

[Singing] Beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes, ham, lamb....

Mm mmm.

That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, what's going on, Donnie?

Hide me, family!

Wait, I thought y'all said the guy was harmless?

To hell with him! I'm trying to get away from Blood Diamond!

She been on my ass like a thong!

She crazy! It's like I, she think I'm her husband or something!

[Diamond] Donnie?!

(whispering) I'm in the basement. I'm in the basement.

Hi, Tony! Have you seen Donnie?

Yup, straight down the hall make a left. One way in, one way out. Can't miss him.

Donnie! Donnie!

Don't even worry about that , Aunt Fae, come on.

[Instrumental music]