Original subtitles

[Instrumental music]

[Whispers loudly] Lisa!

[Laughing]

Den, Denzel, Denzel.

What?

What? Cheryl!

-What? -Denzel.

-What are you doing? -Shhh!

[Cheryl Muttering] Denzel Jefferson! - Spit it out. Ok, ok.

Denzel Jefferson. I know, he's a movie star.

Look!

Okay, I don't know what's gotten into you, but I am going to look.

Fine.

Oh my God.

That's Denzel Jefferson!

Shhh!

-What, Denzel, what's going on? -Shhh! He's gonna hear you.

What is he doing here?

Apparently, he's just shooting his next movie in our neighborhood.

Just right there!

I can't believe that.

That is my favorite actor, ever! Of all time.

Ever! He is so fine!

-So fine. -Stop it.

So fine. Oh my gosh.

Oh my god, that movie.

The movie,

you remember with the British guy when he takes the bank

hostage and then Denzel goes in there and he just...

he negotiates.

[Both] He negotiates.

Remember, the one with his son,

Ohh.

His son needs the heard transplant, he goes in the

hospital, he takes it hostage.

Okay, wait. What about when he takes the train hostage...

He's in a lot of hostage movies, huh?

Yeah, actually he does. If he wasn't so fine that would be weird.

-He's fine. He's so fine, what is this one about?

Okay, well apparently, he is a hostage negotiator.

But then he turns bad and he takes a woman hostage.

Then he falls in love with her.

[Sighs]

Oh, so romantic. What I wouldn't give to be taken hostage by Denzel.

Please. I'm sorry. Blindfold me, tie me up. The whole thing. I want it all.

Mm.

[Sighs]

Sorry, got lost in my own fantasy there for a second. Let's watch.

Ooo, let's watch! We can watch!

* Woke up and my wife said to me

* The bill collectors won't let me be

* Kids keep talking back to me.

* Family Time

* Family Time, Family Time, Family Time

[Instrumental music]

Hey, Melinda would you pour me a cup of that coffee, please?

Excuse me?

Coffee. Brown water. The stuff you're pouring for yourself right now.

Mister Stallworth. I don't think you realize everything I do around here.

You see, I organize and finish all the paperwork. I schedule everything!

And I sometimes help you close deals.

And on top of all of that, you're asking me to get you coffee?

Yes. See, because you have something that is commonly referred to as a job.

It's spelled J-O-B. You can look it up.

I know what a job is, Mister Stallworth.

You have to do things around here.

And in exchange, I give you money that you can use

for clothes, or rent or you can buy you a weed card,

because obviously you need something to calm you down.

Well maybe I don't think I'm getting paid enough for everything I do around here!

Look, Melinda. I pay you well above minimum wage. Okay? I take care of health benefits.

And I give you two days off every single week.

What are you talking about, the weekends?

You're welcome.

All right. That sounds fair.

All right. All right. That sounds fair.

All right.

Let me get you your coffee.

Thank you.

[Laughing]

You said a little cream, a little sugar?

Mm hm. That's how I like it.

I got a special ingredient for the boss, too.

Oh, I know that's right.

[Laughing]

- Good stuff! - What's that?

Hot sauce. Because you like your coffee hot, right Mister Stallworth?

I'm going on strike!

Hey that's fine. Black folk put hot sauce on everything anyway.

No, they don't. No, they don't.

[Instrumental music]

[Lisa] Girl, I put on that Civil War movie with Denzel.

I know! It's sad when he catches that beatdown from Ferris Bueller, but girl.

When he takes his shirt off!

[Knocking] Aww!

My goodness, that is a fine man.

Let me, let me, call you right back. Okay, okay, bye.

Wooh, mhmm.

[Laughing]

Oh my God.

-You close, you close. -Oh my god.

But it is Denzel.

It's me.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm shooting a movie down the street.

Mm hm?

And you know it's a big blockbuster movie.

Oh, I know. I know.

What you don't know is my star wagon, my trailer, the air conditioner is out.

Now, I could complain...

but, I'm going to be humble.

-Yeah -Going to be humble.

Well, please, Mister Denzel, please just, just, just come on in.

Come on in?

Because it's like a refrigerator in here.

- It's that cold, huh? - It's that cold!

I wanna see how cold it is.

Come on in, come on in.

Aww, okay, you've got a classic goin' down right now.

Yes, yeah, this is the one where he uh, does the...

- You so crazy, Denzell! - This is the one. This is the one.

That, you're silly! That's you!

Hey, shhh.

I'll be quiet.

Watch this right here. Watch this.

That's right.

Come on down.

Mm-hmm.

Come on...

-Boom! -There it is.

Yeah. See, hit 'em with that single tear.

- Oh yeah, the one. Just one. - You see that?

That's how I got my Oscar.

- Really? - It is, oh yeah.

Wow.

That's how I got my Oscar. Can I sit down?

Oh, please. Please sit down.

Would you like some coffee or water?

Massage?

No, that's quite all right. Just enjoy yourself.

Sit down and enjoy the movie.

Okay, yeah.

Cause that's you.

You know what?

How would you like to run lines with Denzel?

Oh, no. No, I'm flattered, but I don't, I don't do drugs.

[Laughing]

No, I'm not talking about drugs.

Rehearse lines from the script.

Rehearse me with you?

Yeah, would you like that?

-Oh, of course, I would! I would love that! -Oh course, you would.

You would love that?

Oh, opportunity of a lifetime.

Come on, stand up. Stand up, now. Stand up.

-Alright. -Now, for context, my name is Lucas Night.

-Lucas Night -You are Miranda Summers.

You're a desperate housewife. Your husband doesn't really care about you.

-Mmm hmm. -And I've taken you hostage.

-Hostage! -Yeah.

You got it?

I'm there. I'm your hostage?

-Okay, okay, this... -Turn it over.

I'm ready, I got it, I got it.

-You are my hostage, alright. -Got it.

And...

action.

Are you going to kill me?

That depends.

Is your husband going to give me the ten million dollars in unmarked bills? Huh?

I can't say!

He hasn't cared about me in a long...

time. Time.

He hasn't cared about you in a long time, huh?

That's a shame. It is. That's a shame.

Because if I was your husband,

if I was your husband, I'd treat you right.

But you're not my husband.

You're my captor.

Yeah. Yeah. I've captured you with my gun. Yeah.

But you, you captured my heart...with your eyes.

And then she leans in for the kiss.

Wait, wait, wait. There's a kiss in there?

Oh, no, no. I mean, but my acting instinct tells me there should be one.

[Instrumental]

[Melinda] What do we want? Fair wages! When do we want 'em? Now!

[Yelling] What do we want? Fair wages! When do we want 'em? Now!

What the hell is this?

[Yelling] What do we want? Fair wages! When do we want 'em? Now!

Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't protests usually happen outside of a business?

It was too damn hot outside,

and I didn't want to sweat out my hair, so.

Whatever.

Wha?

[Yelling] Get your own damn coffee! Get your own damn coffee!

[Yelling] I am!

Your protest don't make no damn sense.

Hi, I'm looking for Tony Stallworth.

Oh, hi.

Scab! Scab! Scab!

[Stuttering] Girl!

Sorry. Don't mind her. Please, have a seat.

So, Mister Garber, right?

Yes. It is my understanding that you want a apartment building designed.

Yes, and I heard that you were just the man for the job.

You know what? Behind every great man is a great wo-man.

And THIS great man isn't paying THIS great woman fair wages.

[Yelling] What do we want? Fair wages! When do we want 'em? Now!

Melinda, Melinda! You...who the hell is we? Okay? It's just you, alright.

I want you to know, that this strike is ridiculous. I pay her more than fairly.

I take care of her health benefits, and I give her two days off every week.

Isn't that just the weekend?

Exactly!

Well, what do you want, Melinda? Seven days off? Because that can be arranged.

Maybe I should come back another time.

Nonsense. Nonsense. She is on strike, I'm not.

Let me show you some blueprints for some buildings that I've designed.

Okay, sounds good to me.

Not me!

[Yelling] Tony Stallworth uses unsafe building material!

No, no! That is not true, Mister Garber. Not at all.

Two years ago, Tony Stallworth here, he designed a building.

That building collapsed.

You want to know what type of building it was?

An orphanage!

[Crying]

Oh no, those poor orphans!

[Crying] I know!

And all them famous white women was going to adopt them black babies!

They couldn't. Because of the wreckage. Because of THAT man! [Sobbing]

[Crying]

That's it. I've heard enough!

Mister Garber, I know you're not buying this fake news.

I mean come on! Orphans? [Chuckling].

I was an orphan, Mister Stallworth.

Oh.

And thank goodness you didn't design the orphanage I grew up in or I wouldn't be here today!

Murderer!

Mister Garber! Wai, wa, wa, I was an orphan.

You were?

Naw, I wasn't.

Goodbye!

Goodbye.

[Door slams]

[Yelling] What do we want? Fair wages! When do we want 'em? Now!

[Laughing]

[Instrumental music]

[Instrumental music]

[Lisa] Is that like a technique?

Hey, Lisa. Hey, Denzel.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'll be in the man cave. I had a long day-

-Talent. -Natural.

You are Denzel Jefferson!

[Laughs] -What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

Yeah.

In your house. At your table, huh?

Yes, sir.

Well, I'm enjoying this lovely meal that your wife took the

time out of her busy schedule to prepare for me so I want to

thank you.

- Of course. Yes. - Any time.

And you may be the famous Tony Stallworth, huh?

Not as famous as you!

[Laughing]

You can let my hand go.

Oh, my bad.

Alright, well what the hell he doing in our house, Lisa?

Baby, remember I told you, Denzel is down the street

shooting a movie and he was hot. Something about the air

conditioning and whatever, and,

he came in here just to cool off.

Okay. All right.[Laughing]

You know what, normally that excuse wouldn't fly.

I'd be ready to bust your ass.

But you're you!

I am me. I am me.

I've seen all your movies.

All of 'em?

- What, what's that last one? - All of 'em?

- Picket Fences? - Yeah.

When you had to scale that fence while that pit bull was on your ass!

You was amazing.

Amazing.

So good.

Thank you. Thank you. That was one take.

One take.

Lisa! Oh, Denzel.

We've been through this before, alright?

-Okay, breathe. Please. -God, oh my.

Okay, breathe. Breathe. Come on down.

-Oh, hey Denz... -Come on.

One second. Can you just...Lisa...why did you

not tell me that Denzel's in your house. Why is Denzel in

your hou- no.

It doesn't matter. Because now I know what it feels like to be stabbed in the back.

And also, hello. Denzel, hi.

I'm Cheryl. It's so nice to meet you. I'm honored.

Yes, yes.

[Laughing]

Well, listen Cheryl.

- Yes? - Okay, well

I was about to leave, okay?

Bout to ask the Stallworth's a question.

Oh my gosh, go ahead, shoot.

He said the Stallworth's.

Mm now you want to talk to me?

Go ahead, Denzel. I can't believe I'm saying that.

Me, either. Me, either. But listen.

There's a scene in my movie

where I'm running through this neighborhood and these aliens are chasing after me.

So, I duck inside this house and there's this nice married couple having breakfast.

Oh! Sounds like an amazing scene.

It is. It's intense.

So, I was thinking we use this location

and I could put you

and Lisa in a Denzel Jefferson movie.

How's that sound to you?

Wow! I mean that is quite an offer.

It is.

Oh, thank you! That's such an offer. Wow.

I do want you to think twice though. You know?

Oh, you want me to think.

I, I think you should.

I'm not sure you're aware, I took theater in high school.

Ahh.

And I got rave reviews for my work in Romeo and Juliet.

-Rave reviews, huh? [Laughing] -I did.

You played Juliet, huh?

No. Oh. Um, I didn't act in it, per se, but I did do the designs, for the program.

But it's the same thing, really. It's the same world.

Same thing.

So maybe this is mm, maybe this is your married couple, huh?

So you're trying to steal my part and my man, Cheryl?

No, that is, that's like a friendly thing to do.

And so, what I was actually thinking is let's switch it up. Let's get progressive.

You know, you're hmm...

You want to get progressive, ok?

this, right here, this is your married couple?

What do you think?

I think no, okay? I think I'll go with the original offer. So, Tony? Lisa? Huh?

What do you say?

I say...

Hell yeah!

[Laughing]

That's what we say.

Yeah, yeah. All right.

Yeah!

[In unison] My man!

But that's your line.

[Instrumental music]

Sure, sure, just come on down to my office. We can talk about it, yeah.

we'll work out all the details. Alright, thank you.

[Yelling] What do we want?

Fair wages!

[Yelling] When do we want 'em?

[Yelling] Now!

[Yelling] What do we want?

Fair wages!

[Yelling] When do we want 'em?

[Yelling] Now!

Okay, what the hell is this?

Come on, Tony. You act like you ain't never seen a strike?

I'm about to strike you.

Man, [Stammers] correct me if I'm wrong.

But you don't even work here.

That's one of our demands.

Number one, give me a job.

-Mm hmm -Number two, give me a raise.

-Mm hmm. -I got a list of demands.

Uh demand number one, raise your ass up off my office.

Demand number two, kill yourself.

-Oh! -I got it, don't worry about it.

Brother, you're not going to rudely interrupt us while we're

giving our list of demands, okay?

No.

Number three, should I hit him with it?

Hit him with it!

Make your receptionist, Melinda, go out with me.

Give it to me one time.

Put it up now. Hit it now.

Um mm, no, no. Can't do that.

That is not on my list of demands, Donnie. That ain't, we talked about this!

-We talked about this in the car! -We are a team, okay.

We are a team! This is Batman and Robin, okay?

This is Siegfried and Roy. This is Kim and Kanye. All right?

No, they were all rich.

You don't have five dollars.

I had to loan you money to get here.

We don't need to talk about that right now, okay?

Look, let's just be Kim and Ray J.

Is this your plan? Annoy me with his dumb ass until I just give you a raise?

-Listen, Mister Stallworth, -Mm hmm.

can we please come to some,

kind of real compromise so that I can end this strike?

Okay, okay. What did you have in mind?

What the hell are you doing?

Roll with me on this one.

[Clears throat] Hey, Ton'. We're going to stay handcuffed until you meet our list of demands.

Hmmm.

Okay, good luck with that.

You know what, you two dummies deserve each other. I gotta go.

Got to act in a Denzel Jefferson movie.

[Laughing] Like Denzel would ever have you. You ain't got to lie, Ton'.

[Laughing]That's my baby daddy! Like, psssh, That's my future husband.

He don't know him.

-Talk about he got a movie. -He couldn't possibly know him.

He can't know nobody. He know us.

He knows us.

Denzel.

[Laughing, muttering]

-Uh. -Umm

-Ugh. [Laughing]

These real, huh?

Yeah, they're real. They are definitely real.

Cool, cool, cool. Where the keys at? Take them off. Take these off. Take these off.

-Oh well, -Take that off.

I actually got these at a yard sale and I

forgot until this very moment they didn't give me a key.

Oh. They didn't give you a key.

No, no. I figure you know, what if we you know, just go get

something to eat. You know, maybe have a little dinner.

Mm hmm.

Go back to my crib. I already got the roach spray.

-True, true, and I loveroaches. -You know what I'm talking about?

- You know what I mean? - I just love roaches.

We just lay back, watch some movies. I mean, we're already cuffed.

We are. [Laughing]

See what happens.

[Laughing]

- Boy! - Girl!

Boy! Get these off me....

[Instrumental music]

[Tony] Hold on, I don't do make-up.

Tony, grow up, okay? This is how, this is how movies are made.

Okay, maybe just a little bit.

-All right. Tony. Lisa. -Mmm. Okay.

Allow me to set the scene.

You two are here. You're eating breakfast.

You're a happy couple.

Denzel runs through the door. You get scared.

He says to you, I'm sorry for interrupting your breakfast.

He keeps going.

Now, Lisa.

Yes.

Before he runs out, you say to him, would you like a plate to go?

And that's it.

Mm hmm. Okay, what's my line?

Ha, you don't have a line.

Just eat your breakfast.

All right everyone. Picture's up!

Now do you have any acting tips for me? It's my first time acting.

I know. I know. But you're a natural.

Okay, so just believe what you say, okay?

Okay.

Any tips for me?

Don't eat fast. Because you will choke. Okay? Good, good.

Alright, my man. Let's get it.

All right, cameras, let's roll!

And action!

Don't be alarmed. I'm sorry to interrupt your breakfast.

Would you like a plate to go, Denzel?

Aww, cut!

How was it?

- It was good. - It was good, right?

- It was good. - I thought so.

Mmmmm, your character, you called him Denzel.

Oh! Oh. I should call him by his character name, huh?

No, you should not. Your character wouldn't know his name.

Okay. Okay. Got it.

What about me?

You were fine. Just eat.

Action!

Don't be alarmed. I'm sorry to interrupt your breakfast.

Well that's all good, Denzel.

Cut!

Oh, my fault, my fault. I was supposed to call him Lucas.

You don't know me, okay?

You don't know my name.

Hm? Alright, hmm.

Note to self.

Don't say Denzel. Don't say Lucas.

Don't say anything.

Don't say nothing.

Your character doesn't have a line!

- No line? - No line.

Now what's your line?

I don't have a line.

Exactly!

Action!

Don't be alarmed.

[Choking]

[All Talking]

Cut, cut!

Sorry, sorry. I ate too fast.

He warned me about that. He warned me.

-Okay, okay. -Okay.

Now.

Okay, I got it.

Changing the scene.

-Mm hmm. -New idea, new beginnings.

You are no longer eating breakfast.

Put the spoon down.

Pick up the newspaper.

Yes. Yes. Up. Unfold it.

That's right.

Up.

Down.

No, up I said.

Now open it.

Yes. I like that a lot. But closer.

Bring it closer. Closer still.

Good. Ah! No peeking!

All right. Let's go.

Last take!

Action!

Don't be alarmed. I'm sorry to interrupt.

Would you like a plate to go, Denzel?

See I'm very good at acting.

Should we just reshoot this with me?

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!

Cut the whole scene!

This entire thing is gone from the movie. It's gone from the movie!

No!

It's gone.

Goodness, you all are going to make me go back to directing dog

food commercials and cocker spaniels are the devil!

Someone get me a double espresso ASAP!

Look what you did, Cheryl!

Would you like a plate to go?

Oh, now you want to say the line, right?

[Instrumental music]

[Instrumental music]

[Door slams]

Get your own damn coffee!

You been here all night?

Yeah, he will not uncuff me and I am not going home with him.

[Chuckling]

Yeah, most women consider it a privilege to go home with Donnie.

Who blind women?

You know what, Melinda, I think it's time we negotiated a deal.

I agree.

And, to help us negotiate, I brought somebody along that's an expert at negotiating.

- Oh! - Mm-hmm.

Oh my God! It's Denzel Je...

[Clears throat] Hey, what's up, Denzel?

So, you must be Melinda, huh?

You know my name.

I know your name.

Tony tells me you're having mad squabbles, girl. Huh?

I'm hoping I can come down here and resolve your problems.

Yes.

Okay, okay. So, Tony. Melinda's been working here for what, two years now, right?

Yup.

No raise?

So, she feels like she didn't land on Stallworth Construction

Company, Stallworth Construction Company landed on her.

So, I think she's entitled to a small raise and maybe a two-week paid vacation.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

You like the sound of that?

- Mm hm. - Go anywhere you want.

How you feel about that?

I can live with that.

I want no problems with you and Tony. The man wants some coffee,

you get him his coffee, okay?

No hot sauce. Cream and sugar.

- You hear me? - Yes, Denzel.

Yes, Denzel.

All right.

That's okay again?

I can live with that, for sure.

Hey, my man.

- My man. - All right.

Oh! What about me?

What about you? Huh? Do I know you?

Mmhm, you know me.

Yeah.

How about you just uncuff her. Huh?

Okay.

Why don't you uncuff her?

I'm going to do it right now.

Before I go King Kong on your ass.

Don't break us up.

This ain't a game.

This chess this ain't checkers. Huh?

[Laughs] I'm just playing, okay?

But you never know. That's the point.

Okay.

Oh?

Oh.

[Donnie] Owh, out of one eye?

[Gasp]