Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

- Hey, Tony! - Mm?

Look what we got invited to.

Uh, Lisa, I don't care if they are giving away a free vacation, I'm not

sitting through a seven hour time share presentation.

No! No, no, look.

Our class reunion is coming up.

Pass.

Pass? What do you mean, pass?

Aren't you at all curious to see how our high school friends turned out?

No. You ever hear of a thing called the internet?

You can keep up with anybody that you went to high school with

by visiting the FaceSpace reunion page.

Anybody you don't wanna see ever again? You don't have to.

Oka, see, I know that's not true.

'Cause I always see Donnie and I never wanna see him.

Aw, you know you love Donnie.

Please! I don't love how he eats us out of house and home.

That's called "The Donnie Diet".

[Stammers] He coms over, and eats up all the junk food, so

we eat a little bit healthier.

You know what? I should market "The Donnie Diet" to those rich housewives in Malibu.

He'd be down, and I'll be a millionaire.

[Scoffs] Whatever.

I really actually think a high school reunion would be fun.

I mean, I honestly haven't spoken to

any of my best girlfriends in like... years!

I know why you really wanna see 'em.

Oh really?

- Oh yeah, oh yeah. - What? What? What's that, Tony?

You want to see if the girls that were mean to yo got fat.

[Scoffs] Please!

[Scoffs] Please, Tony.

- I am not that petty. - Oh yeah, sure sure.

And, and nothing would make you happier

than seeing people you don't like unhappy.

Well I mean, isn't that kind of how happiness works?

Mm, no, that's how pettiness works.

Well, call me Petty Crocker.

[Laughs]

Are we gonna go or not, Tony?

Alright, you know what? Why not.

And since we're being petty, I want all the haters to know

that I got with the finest girl in high school.

- Aww, Tony! That's so sweet! - Mm-hmm.

Then they'll see that I dumped her and married you.

* Woke up and my wife said to me

* The bill collectors won't let me be

* The kids keep talkin' back to me

* Family time

* Family time, family time, family time

[Instrumental Music]

Wow Cheryl, I mean, your event planning business really looks like it's taking off.

Ah! I think I was born to plan events.

The details, the logistics, the organization!

I planned a yacht party last weekend.

Talk about a fantastic voyage.

I made their SS Minnow look like the Titanic.

The Titanic sunk.

Because of poor planning, Lisa.

Who doesn't- Right.iant iceberg - Turn! Turn the boat.? You know?

- That's what the steering wheel's for. - You're right.

Now that was a tragic love story.

Ended an awful lot like my marriage.

Me, drifting alone at sea.

That Jack drowned Cheryl. Your Jack cheated. now swim back to shore.

spending too much time, event planning. I...en

sort of forgot about a dating life.

Why don't you meet someone at one of these

fancy events you're planning?

No, no, no, no! This is business.

Okay? I, that's very unprofessional.

Live a little! Live a little. Yes!

What about...

this fireman's ball? I bet you there'll be some hot single men here.

So many... gay firemen at the Gay Firemen's Ball.

Okay, well... you like to wrestle, don't ya?

[Laughter]

Yes, but no. I coul-

Fine, fine, fine! I'm gonna pick one...ne-no.

The fisherman's conference.

Could be fun.

Eh... didn't mean lower your standards below sea level.

No, wait, fishermen are strong.

They, fisherman are good with their hands.

Have you seen the movie a perfect storm?

I'm gonna end up with a George Clooney!

Or maybe a Mark Wahlberg. Mr. Marky-Mark.

Yeah, that, that stuff's not real.

It's not real. You'll probably snag someone more like

John C. Reilly, and he'll most definitely smell like fish.

Um, why don't you

wait!

The Eastchester High School Reunion?

Oh... Eastchester, how do I say this?

Uh, ghetto. Uh, hood. Wrong side of the tracks. You know what I'm saying.

[Chuckles] No, no, no, no.

That's where I went.

That makes total sense.

What's that mean, Cheryl?

Oh, no, no, never mind! But this, this is where you met Tony, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

- Okay. Hah! - Yeah, it is actually.

But honestly, before I met Tony, I had the biggest

crush on the star quarterback, named Tim Anderson.

Ooh! He was sooooo, so fine!

And he actually dated all the cheerleaders,

and I might have if I didn't meet Tony.

A Dr. Tim Anderson has RSVP'd without a plus one. Lisa.

Introduce me.

I want to get crazy! Introduce me.

- You want to get crazy? - Yes!

I'll do it, done deal.

I mean, a doctor's not quite a fisherman, but you know, uh, still a good catch.

A doctor. I'm gonna reel him in.

- I'm just gonna... - Is that what you're gonna do?

Reel him in. [Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Man, I ain't looked at this yearbook in a long time.

You know what I got voted back in high school?

The biggest loser?

No, they saved that honor for you.

I got "most likely to succeed".

Then they were most likely to be... wrong.

I know you ain't talkin'. You was in high school for five years.

Uh, six.

And technically, that means I got more education than you.

Yeah, but you didn't get "most likely to succeed". I did.

I don't think I'm living up to it.

What are you talkin' about man? You been winnin' since the beginnin'.

You got a great wife, great kids...

Yeah man, I know but, I took over the business from my dad,

and any moron can make babies. How you think you came into this world?

Hey! [Tony Chuckles]

The point is,

I don't think that I'm, I'm gonna come off too impressive at the reunion.

When I to that reunion,

I'm gon' make everybody take me seriously.

Wait, hold on.

You're goin' to our reunion?

[Chuckles] You're a couple years younger than me.

Yeah. Man I've been held back so many times, I get invited to all the reunions.

[Laughing] [Doorbell Rings]

- What up Ton'? - What up E? Come on in, baby.

Say, my girl's in the car grabbin' something, I want to introduce you.

Okay cool, cool, cool. I just hope she looks a little better than your last girlfriend.

Whoo! You're last girl looked like Shaq in a wig!

(Like Shaq) I just want to thank everybody who ever

just came out and showed love. [Laughing]

(As Shaq) I just want to say thank you Kolby, to the coach.

Come on, I used to love that girl.

- Mm. - But her hands were big as hell.

They were big as hell. [Laughing]

- Hey, babe! - Hi!

I want you to meet two of my friends. Tony, and Donnie.

So nice to meet you both.

- Mm. - May I use your restroom?

- Sure, right down the hall. - Okay, thank you.

- Baby, I'ma... - All right.

See? Isn't she amazing?

Yeah, she about to amazingly blow up that bathroom.

Hope she leave the toilet seat up.

Trust me, she's all woman.

And at the reunion, I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

What? [Laughs]

Come on, it's a little soon ain't it? How long you known her?

Few weeks.

A few weeks? I got dirty clothes older than that!

He's right. [Chuckles]

But don't you think you're rushing things a bit, man?

Well yeah, but I mean, when you know, you know.

And when you don't know, you don't know.

What if she's a serial killer?

She's not a serial killer, Donnie.

Is that what you think...

or what you know?

Don't listen to this guy, man.

Man, trust me, I'm not.

So... tell me what you think about this plan. But first...

check out this ring that I'm gonna be givin' her tomorrow night.

- Alright! - I'm gonna put it in the punch bowl.

Then I'm gonna ask her to give me some punch.

And then, she'll pull the ring out of the ladle,

and bam!

That's when I get down on one knee.

Oww!

That is stupid.

I'm kind of with Donnie on this one. I mean, what if someone else gets the ring?

Or she could choke on it.

Then you got a weddin' and a funeral.

[Instrumental Music]

[Cheryl] Lisa I need your opinion.

What do you think? How do I look?

I say hell with Lisa's opinion, you need a man's perspective.

Oh, okay. So...

Yeah, in my opinion...

that dress would look a whole lot better on my bedroom floor.

So Cheryl, why are you worried about it anyway? It's not like you went to our high school.

No, could you imagine?

She's not just the event planner Tony, I'm trying

to hook her up with Tim Anderson.

Ah... Tim Anderson.

Didn't you have a crush on him in high school?

I mean, yeah. But I lowered my standards and I married you, Tony.

[Chuckles] More like dropped 'em altogether.

[Laughing Loudly]

I mean, you want me to kick his ass, Ton'?

Nah, but you can fall on somethin' sharp.

Lisa, I'm gonna go, and let you... do that.

Don't want to be late for Prince Charming.

Okay. Let's go over the plan for tonight.

- There's a plan? - Of course there's a plan.

I have to seem a little more accomplished than I actually am,

so we need to be on the same page regarding my backstory.

Backstory? You plannin' on lyin' to these people at the reunion man?

Well not, lyin', you know, just kind of...

Hey, I'm cool with lyin'. It's better than tellin' the truth.

Tony, I don't understand. Why do you have to lie? You're very successful.

Look, I'm very happy with my life.

But I just want to blow they socks off tonight, a'ight?

So as far as anybody tonight is concerned,

alright, I'm gettin' huge contracting bids all over the world!

You know mean?

Uh, skyscrapers in New York, you know I'm sayin'?

The new White House!

I don't think they'll buy that one, but I like where your heads at.

[Instrumental Music]

Here you go, grab your name tag.

Thank you.

And have a great night! Get a drink, enjoy yourselves!

Uh, excuse me, where are your restrooms?

- Oh, uh- - I, I'm sorry, but you..

you are gorgeous.

Well thank you. Um...

You have not checked in yet. You're not by chance

Tim Anderson, are you?

- No, I'm not. - Oh.

You do look really familiar. Wait...

did I see you at the Black Lawyers Association Dinner?

No, no... the medical conference in Long Beach!

No, I'm actually a fireman.

Oh.

Great. The, the bathroom's over there.

Wow! Look at everybody.

Everybody looks so old.

Yeah, there go Carl Washington, he look old as hell.

Yeah well he looked old as hell in high school, ain't nothin' changed.

You right. Teachers used to call him "sir".

Didn't he used to park in the faculty lot?

[Laughing] He did!

Wait a minute, maybe we look old.

Hey, we don't. You might. I still get carded.

The senior citizen discount at the movies doesn't count, my love.

Hi you two!

You made it! You look amazing. Get your name tags.

What do we need name tags for? We know everybody in here.

Well, I mean-

Oh, hey! Tony!

Yo! My man! There he is! [Laughing]

How you doin' now?

I'm doin' good.

Me? Oh, I'm not an alcoholic.

I know that's right! [Laughing]

Lisa!

It's good to see you, right?

How's that little Devin and Ebony, how they doin'?

Ask about you all the time, boy!

Oh, my God I can't wait to see- hey, I'ma go get some punch, I'll be...

- right back. - Get you some punch!

He look good!

Who was that, Tony?

I have no idea, he had no name tag on.

Mm. Okay.

- Here you go. - Thanks, - Got it.

Have you seen him? Tim Anderson, is he here?

No, I mean, I don't see him yet, I'm lookin'.

Okay, I'ma go hit the bar, talk to some more people I don't know.

There he go!

I can't believe he hasn't show up yet.

Yeah, maybe he'll just blow it off. I mean he's

he's so cool.

He seems like he would be that cool.

So cool, oh-

Oh! I'm sorry.

Hi, I'm here to sign in.

Sure, what's your name?

Anderson. Tim Anderson.

[Both] Tim Anderson?

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

[Tim Chuckling]

[Both] Tim Anderson?

Yeah. [Chuckles]

Lisa Calloway. Is that you?

Actually its uh, it's Lisa Stallworth now.

Oh, Tony snatched you up.

Smart guy. [Laughing]

How, how've you been, Tim?

Great! Lovin' life...

lovin' food. [Chuckles]

You probly noticed I put on a few pounds since my glory days.

Really? I can't tell.

Mm-mm.

And this must be Cheryl.

No- oh. Yeah, um, hi!

Uh, I'm sorry yes I'm the organizer.

Have we met?

Not officially until now, but uh,

Lisa sent me an email sayin' that you were also single.

Oh-oh. She did.

She did huh? She did! She does that.

Yeah, I wanna get to know you better tonight.

- Okay... - I'ma grab a drink.

What can I get you Cheryl?

Nnno. Um...

I shouldn't... because I'm working.

So... [Nervous Chuckle]

Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. [Chuckling]

Yeah! Mm!

What? I think he's cute.

Yes, and so are bear cubs.

But I don't want to date one!

Lisa... he looks like he's gonna eat me!

- Tony Stallworth? - Hey...

Brad! You got somethin' on your- Collins! All right.

How you been, bother?

Man, good. I ain't seen you since um...

High school?

High school. And you still look the same.

Hey man, uh, you know, no offense, but I can't say the same about you.

Aw, no, it's all good. I, I know I'm receding a little bit.

Nah, it don't look like you're goin' bald,

just look like you got a little more face to wash.

[Laughing] - Thank you. - You're cool, you're cool.

You know what? This one's on me.

It's open bar, big baller.

Yeah, like I said, it's on me.

[Tony Chuckles]

So how you been, man?

- Been good, can't complain. - Okay.

I'm a junior executive at an ad company.

Oh, oka-

But I mean I am ballin' outa control like you.

The streets are talkin'.

Are they? Alright, well what're they sayin'?

They sayin' that you doin' it big, Mr. "Most Likely to Succeed".

Oh-oh, oh-oh. Well we both doin' it big,

'cause you was most likely to recede. Heh, 'cause you...

[Clears Throat] So where, uh, where you livin' now?

Got a condo in Reseda.

[Chuckles] Reseda.

What about yourself?

Uh, I live in Windsor Hills. Yeah, yeah, got

construction company, you know. We design buildings and whatnot.

So, you design anything that I might know?

- You heard of the Eiffel Tower? - Of course.

We designed a building high-rise

with a view of the Eiffel Tower just last spring.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Which one? I mean I was just in Paris about a month ago.

Huh. A month ago, huh?

Hey Tony! [Chuckles]

What's up brother?

Donnie McDonald?

It is I. [Chuckles]

Everybody, it is I, Donald

Dutch McDonald if you're nasty.

Wow Donnie, look at you man. You uh, you a little overdressed, aren't you?

Brother this is how I dress every day.

I'm an international businessman.

Oh. Well, what kind of business?

Ton' didn't tell you what he do?

- Yes. - Well uh...

Tony actually works for me, I'm his boss.

- Ain't that right Tony? - Oh.

(strained) Yep. He's my boss.

That sounds amazing, uh...

I'ma go hit the can, but when I come back I wanna hear all about

- you and your business. - You should.

[Chuckling] My man.

Donnie, what the hell?

What man? You wanted to lie, I lied bigger.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Employee!

- What's up fellas? - Hey.

Miranda, you remember Tony and Donnie.

Of course. Hey guys.

- How you doin'? - Good.

Well babe, do you want something to drink?

Yeah, I'd love something.

Why don't you get her some punch?

[Chuckles Nervously]

Well it's a little early for punch.

Okay. [Chuckles]

Well what do yo propos ?

[Chuckles]

Come on Miranda, he popped the question.

What do you want to drink?

I'll just take a beer.

My love.

[Donnie Chuckles]

Beer comes the bride.

What?

[Instrumental Music]

Yeah, you know, Saudi Arabia, I need a beer.

I need a beer.

Anyway, Saudi Arabia, Brazi- it's too warm.

It's too warm.

You have to go to all these different places when you're a business man, and uh,

I'm making my business to go all way, everywhere, I mean,

you have to go where the money is.

Mm. Man Donnie, you seem to be

full of a lot of good ideas.

Well he's full of something.

You havin' fun?

You know to be honest, I thought I was gonna be bored stiff at your high school reunion.

But, I'd have a great time with you anywhere.

- I kind of love you. - Aww, I love you too.

Mmm!

If you'll excuse me, I've got to go to the little girls room.

[Instrumental Music]

Donnie is stealin' my thunder.

Oh you mean your uh, your made up thunder?

Yeah whatever. [Lisa Laughs]

How's it goin' with little, uh,

Tiny Tim over there?

[Laughing] Stop, don't laugh Tony!

Yeah he has he's, he's gained a little weight since high school.

No, I've gained a little weight since high school.

He went from quarter back to quarter-pounder back.

Mmm, I feel so bad for Cheryl. I just, I,

- think I kinda got her hopes up. - Just a little bit.

Did Lisa tell you time I scored the winning touchdown take us to the semi-finals?

No, she did not. What happened?

I scored the winning touchdown, took ourselves to the semi-finals.

I was a hero.

Great story. Um, would you excuse me?

I'm gonna get drunk.

[Sighs]

She's choking!

I got this!

[Grunting]

[Gasping]

All right! [Clapping]

Hey.

I may have gained some weight, but I guess I'm still a hero.

Oh, Timothy...

Oh. Oh!

[Tim] Take you over here.

Well this isn't exactly how I wanted this to go down.

Uh, but, hold on a second. Alright...

Okay.

- Miranda... - Oh!

- Will you marry me? - Oh my God!

Yes of course I'll marry you! [Applause]

Wait a minute. Can you get that cleaned first?

That was in the back of that woman's throat.

Fair enough.

Listen man, I uh...

remember when my first love, well my first wife

Princess Diana. [Chuckles]

Yeah, that's right guys. I was almost British Royalty.

Man, sit yo ass down.

Uh, Donnie, I was doin' a little research, and

I couldn't find any information online.

Mm...

See man, all that stress, that's why you losin' your hair.

Mmm... yeah.

Well look man...

uh, we...

- I made the whole thing up. - I knew it!

Tony did it first!

Wha? Alright, alright, alright.

I'll come clean. I'm not an international

contractor, alright.

And only reason why we live in Windsor Hills

'cause I hit the lotto. Alright? Are you happy?

I'm not the most successful guy in the world.

Well Tony look man, at least you got a wife...

you got kids...

you even got a job.

Aren't you a junior exec?

I was. I got fired.

About a week ago.

Now I sell knock-off shoes at a kiosk in a mall!

[Crowd Gasping]

Told you Tony, you didn't have to lie.

Okay, you were right this time.

Yeah Tony, you ain't gotta lie, man.

Shut yo ass up. Look, everybody lies at the reunion.

Amen to that!

Wait... what did you-wait, are you not a doctor?

Well I'm a love doctor if that count-

No! No, Lisa!

That does not count!

Hold on baby! Hold on!

[Tim Stammering] No! Stay!

Stay, stay! Lisa!

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

[Tony] You know what this reunion needs?

What every black function needs.

The Electric Slide.

Hey, hey, let's get it!

E, Let's go! Five,baby! six, seven, eight!

[All Humming and Chatting]

- Turn, back, back, back, turn... - Okay.

And kick.

Hey!

[Tony] It's not what I remember.

Did y'all, did y'all change it since before?