Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Devin, have you seen my foot cream?

Ah, damn that, when's the last time you've seen the floor?

What is going on in here? Really?

What the hell?

Am I raising a teenage boy or Swamp Thing?

[Devin Yawns Loudly] Oh!

Sorry I asked.

What's up pops?

What's up is our clothes pile!

Why's it look the damn L.A. Riots happened up in here?

Oh, this little clutter?

I'll clean it later.

But I gotta holla at you.

Mm-uh, do it from over there, brah. Ooh!

You need some deodorant.

Whatever dad, I'ma take my future bae to the school dance,

I'ma need some bread.

You want some bread? Here. Try this right here. Look it's green too.

Just like money. You could probably panini press a dead president on this thing.

C'mon Dad, I'm serious.

Girls these days will curve you if you ain't stuntin'.

And I'ma need to borrow the whip.

Hmm. Here you go. Knock yourself out.

What, you's makin' some whipped cream sandwiches?

And I'ma need some new clothes, 'cause

I can't wear these old rags.

I gotta be clean.

I agree.

You need some deodorant, and start with some soap and some water.

Dad, not that kind of clean.

Like, how they say it in your day?

Groovy, fresh, hip!

Boy, how old do you think I am?

Bible, huh? Oh you, you got jokes?

Alright, you know what they say, joke, stay broke

C'mon Dad.

C'mon nothin'!

If this were a restaurant, you'd have a D in the window.

At least a

And it stands for Devin.

No, it stands for dirty, disrespectful, and downright disgusting.

Now clean your room before I clean your clock.

Keep it up boy!

Ah, here's my foot cream.

Why is it empty?

What have you been using it-

Y'know what? I don't even wanna know.

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me

♪ The bill collectors won't let me be

♪ The kids keep talkin' back to me

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time, Family Time, Family Time

Ooh! What's that smell? I-

Oh, you went in Devin's room, didn't you?

That bad huh?

I might need a bath.

I, actually, damn that. We got any tomato sauce?

Last time I went in that boy's room, I almost got stuck to the floor, Tony.

The things I saw...

I mean I still have PTSD.

How did we raise such a slob, Lisa?

We?

He get's that from your side of the family.

And he's just... he's a growing boy, Tony.

He's just going through a phase.

A phase?

A fetus is a phase.

Toddler, that's a phase.

Teenager, a phase.

Ain't no funk phase!

Well, your daughter has a funky attitude.

She never cleans these dishes Tony.

Why would she? She knows that you're just gonna go do 'em for her.

These kids need to learn some responsibility.

One day they gon' be responsible for cleaning us,

and I don't want to be walking around smelling like an old farm animal.

You're right. You're right about that.

I know I'm right.

These kids don't respect our house and they don't respect us.

They have entitlement issues.

Man, they walk around like they own the damn place.

Oh, hey Lisa.

Hey Tony, I'm so glad- oh my God!

What's that smell?

Which one of you two went into Devin's room?

Dammit!

- Where is that tomato sauce? - Whoo!

What brings you by, Viv?

Well Todd and I had tickets to an MMA fight, but he once

again got called away on business.

Hey Tony, you wouldn't be interested in going, would you?

Uh, no, thanks.

I get enough blood sport watching Lisa shave her legs.

MMA, Viv, really? That's a brutal sport.

How'd you get into that?

Well Todd was watching one day, and something about two men,

all sweaty, beating the crap out of each other, just

really brings the beast out of me.

Well, I wouldn't mind going,

if Tony doesn't mind washing the dishes for me.

Do I have a choice?

No.

- Then have fun! - Thank you!

- Love you baby! Bye! - See ya.

Oh, there's my baby girl.

Hey Daddy- oh, my goodness!

You went room, didn't you?

You know I went in there to borrow a pencil one time and I saw his dirty underwear.

Mm! Sorry you had to see that.

I will never buy him white drawers ever again.

Uh... wha- baby, where you going?

Um, I have a project to do with Sergio.

Who the hell is Sergio?

Oh, just this boy from school.

I don't like the sound of that.

But wait, before you go, I have a surprise.

We got a brand new dishwasher for you.

Oh really? What kind?

You. The Ebony 2000.

Now didn't your mamma tell you to wash these dishes?

But Sergio!

Yeah, but Sergio nothin'.

Now Serge your hands into this dishwater and bust these suds.

But Dad, I have to get started!

I want to do a good job so Sergio can have me as his partner.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. You ain't partnering with no Sergio,

no Georgio, and for damn sure no Lorenzo's.

Won't be no male exotic dancer names up in my house!

But dad!

But dad nothing!

Now come on over here and partner this dish rag

with some of this dish soap, okay?

Now what I need you- what?

Little heifer!

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

[Doorbell Rings]

Oh.

She-Hulk. You strong as hell!

Hm! Not as strong as that thick-ass neck supporting that astro-dome you got.

Now where's my sister?

Lisa and I have a laser mustache removal appointment.

Hmm, you're obviously runnin' late,

Looks like a tarantula crawled out your nose.

[Laughter]

Shut up you over grown troll. Where is my sister?

Her and Vivian went to go watch MMA.

MMA? What the hell is that?

Mothers of Mixed Children Association?

It's Mixed Martial Arts.

Or in your case, Monsters Men Avoid.

Oh shut up Tony. What is going on?

Why is Lisa hanging out with Vivian so much?

I mean what, is she looking for a co-signer?

This is the fourth time this month.

Who does she think she is?

Nobody cancels on me!

Well there was your first husband, Tyrone.

Your second husband, Jerome.

And your ex fiancé, Malone,

who left you at the altar, alone.

And you can kiss where the sun don't roam. [Whimpers]

Woman what are you doing?

I'm staying here

Oh, no, no, no. You are watching me walk the hell away.

Add me to the list of people canceling on you.

[Instrumental Music]

Oh, I loved it. I loved all the guys.

You were takin' pictures of their booties.

Lori!

No Keith Sweat, don't go!

I can make it last forever! I-

[yells] Lori!

You still have that stupid crush on Keith Sweat begging ass?

Where you been? Hmm?!

- What do you mean? - We had an appointment.

You're right! You're right. Vivian popped up and it just

it really completely slipped my mind. I'm sorry.

Oh I, you know, I'm sorry Lori. Yeah, you can blame me.

Oh, but I do!

You might've been able to get Tony's brother, but I'll be damned if

I let you use youron my little sister!

She doesn't even drink tea!

You know what, that was a good movie. I just got it on bootleg.

Hey, Lisa, my house tomorrow. You in?

No, she's out.

Hey, hey, listen okay Lori? I am grown. I speak for myself, thank you.

I was just thinkin', you know, me and you could go get our nails done-

You know what? Lori, I know this great place in Korea Town, we have to go!

What don't you get? There's no we!

There is a "we".

And no offense, but I would just like to spend some quality time with my sister.

Alright, okay, that makes sense.

But, um, technically she's my sister too, so that makes us all sisters.

[Grumbles] You ain't never gonna be nobody's sister.

Oh. Oh, I get it, it's a black thing.

No, no, she didn't mean it like that Vivian.

Yes I did!

You know what, I'm just gonna go back to the other side of the

tracks and watch Sound of Music

Well, Yodel-lei-he-ho!

And I'm gonna bust out my Neil Diamond records

and I'm gonna do some line dancing!

No Vivian, Vivian don't take her seriously!

Every single time!

Namaste Viv! Namaste!

And where I'm from we call it steppin' so get to steppin!

[Instrumental Music]

Good morning Tony.

You mean good afternoon.

What was you gonna do, sleep all day?

I'm just tired! Tony, Lori had me out at some old ratchety club all night.

Woo, I need some coffee.

Uh yeah, you won't be able to get in there.

I locked the cabinets.

It's all a part of my plan called "tough love".

These kids need to learn some responsibility.

Okay, I don't follow Tony.

Right on cue. Just follow my lead.

Hey mom, hey dad.

Hey! Hey, uh, how was school?

You know, same old. Just failed a test.

Uh, and uh, you?

Oh, sorry mom, I was posting something on FaceSpace but school was good.

Hey mom, can you make me a snack?

'Cause I'm about to go to my room and take a nap.

But, can you ease up on the dijon?

'Cause last time you was doin' way too much.

There will be no snacks.

Oh cool, we going out to dinner?

Nope, but you are.

I don't get it, I'm going to my room.

You will find that your indoor access has been denied.

There is a padlock on your door until further notice.

Dang. You did him like that?

Oh, uh, you too, Little Miss Thing.

Right?

C- c'mon Dad I gotta get in my room!

I only got one day left before my pastrami's salami.

No worries.

I made you a box lunch, just like you leave under your bed.

It's blue.

There's your snack.

That's cold.

Not as cold as it is outside.

Well I gotta go upstairs to get my phone charger.

I guess I could grab the bolt cutters and open your room up.

But I'm not doing that for no spoiled-ass teenagers.

Mom, I know you're not going along with this.

Listen, It's called tough love, right babe?

Now your mother and I have took the liberty of making

alternate sleeping arrangements for you.

So outside you'll find a tent.

And?

That's it. Outside there's a tent.

If you ain't taking out, cleaning out or washing out,

you sleeping out.

This is a cruel and unusual punishment.

Well then the shoe fits, because you are crude

and unusual pubescents.

I don't even know what that means, but

come on Ebony, we got this.

Yeah, you're right.

Let me grab some food for the road.

Access Denied.

You're not letting us eat either?

Oh we tried to give you food, we really did, but you wouldn't clean the dishes.

Or you'd leave it all in your room.

So now you sleep on the land, and eat off it too.

Well played, Judas.

Betrayed by our own parents.

You betrayed us first by not doin' your chores.

Now get outside. I'm tired of looking at'cha.

What if we have to take a shower?

The sprinklers come on at 8 P.M. sharp.

C'mon Ebony. We don't need their house, anyway.

Yeah. It'll be like summer camp...

in the winter.

Except without Dad ruining my sweater.

I told you, that only happened

because your mama didn't bring no toilet paper.

Ooh, this may backfire, Tony.

Not a chance. Now I need a drink.

Long day! Awe dang it!

Lisa, grab the bolt cutters.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Ooh! Okay. Alright Lori, I'ma, I'm just catch up with you later-

Why are you rushing me?

I didn't say I was leaving...

Am I detecting a a bit of an attitude in you?

What, you didn't have a good time?

Mm-hmm. I thought you and Vivian were all into the mud thing.

Wait no I said Vivian took me to a mud bath, not mud wrestling.

There's a difference.

Mud Bath, MMA wrestling. I just put 'em together and gave you Mud wrestling.

When did you become so bougie?

Lori, I'm tired. I'm tired from bein' up in the ratchety ass club all night.

If one more dude woulda come up to me talkin' 'bout

"aight girl, aight, where your man at, girl?"

"Where your man at, girl?"

I was gonna hurt somebody!

I'm sorry, how was I supposed to know last night was the Annual Player's Ball?

Look, I promise you tonight is gonna be a lot more fun.

Tonight?

Yes! I'm taking you to the casino!

Girl they got a new Luther Vandross impersonator.

And I heard he does Luther big... [Makes Warbling Noise]

And skinny! [Makes Warbling Noise]

[Mimics Warble ] No, no, no, no!

I'm gonna pass it. I'm gonna pass.

- Please, no you're not. - Yes, I'ma pass!

I'm gonna go home, get up out of all this mud,

and I'll be back to pick you up around nine.

Did you not here me? I'm going to pass.

Whu-whu-whu. Why is it so quiet in here?

Do you know where your children are?

Yeah, long story. See Tony and I we're trying to show the kids tough love.

How so?

[Growling]

Devin, what was that?

What was what?

[Growl]

That!

Oh my God, Devin, in case we die, I love you.

Ebony, in case we die, I'm sorry for every mean thing I've done to you.

[Growling Gets Louder]

Oh God, we're gonna die! What should we do?

Our Father, who art in heaven-

I ain't in heaven yet, but I am in this backyard.

Dad that is so mean!

Oh, you think that's mean? Watch this...

And action.

Hello everybody out there in the FaceSpace world.

We are broadcasting live from the Stallworth's backyard

with a brand new edition of

Oh, I'm live streaming.

And what do we have here?

We have a wild Devin and Ebony in their natural habitat.

They live like animals, so we're treating them like that.

Dad, get that thing out of my face!

I will do no such thing!

Devin and Ebony are sleeping in the backyard because they got evicted.

Oh, uh, Janice says hi, Ebony.

My friend, Janice from school?

You do not know her.

I do now.

I befriended all your friends on FaceSpace.

[Both] What?!

Mm-hmm. Uh, let's see. Sergio says "Hey Ebony, why didn't you tell me you were homeless."

And uh, Devin, Lance says "aaaaahhhhaahaaa?"

Oh, I get it. He's laughing at you.

Ahahaha!

Man, I can't believe this.

Mm-hmm. And I can't believe you are sleeping in a tent.

What is that smell? It smells like something died.

It must be your dinner.

Don't listen to this crazy stranger!

Yeah, he's definitely not our dad.

So Remember FaceSpacers, for just five cents a day,

you too can feed a poor unfortunate Stallworth child.

And help them find a new home, to wallow in funky nastiness.

Dad, please stop.

Now why would you do that?

To teach you guys to appreciate what you have.

Don't worry, you'll thank me one day.

Now you can check back in your rooms in the morning.

Naw, we cool.

We don't need your house no way.

Yeah, we don't like it anyway!

Alright.

Big fella likes to play games, huh? We can play his little game.

Mm-hmm. I kinda like it out here. Reminds me of when we used to-

[Growling]

What was that?!

You know what it was.

[calling out] Dad, stop playing!

What was that?

[Screaming]

[Instrumental Music]

[Doorbell Rings]

Dad! What are you doing here?

Came to check on my grandkids, after you traumatized them.

Oh, they told you what I did, huh?

Pretty funny, huh?

No, nope nope. Woop, woop, wuh. No, I saw it on FaceSpace.

How dare you humiliate those kids like that.

Dad I was just trying to teach them a lesson.

You call that teaching them a lesson?

Embarrassing them in front of their little friends?

Dad, I was just-

But, but, but nothing!

Your room was just as junky when you were a kid.

And don't act like you don't remember all those liquor

store pickles you used to let spoil in your room, funking up my house!

Dad, those kids are being irresponsible!

Have you see Devin's room lately?

I wouldn't be surprised if there was a family of possums living in there!

Son, I understand, but it's just a phase.

You too?!

- Look, a fetus is a phase- - Son, son, shut up!

Yes sir.

It's alright to discipline them.

You remember what I used to tell you boys when you were kids?

Stop crying before I give you something to cry about?

Yes.

What happens in this house, stays in this house.

Okay dad, I see your point. I see your point.

I'll go apologize.

But quick question, um,

how long have you been on FaceSpace?

Well that's another thing I used to tell you boys when you were kids.

Stay out of grown folks business.

[Instrumental Music]

So you broke down the tent?

Yeah, I was thinking maybe we could have a little camp out in the bedroom.

Plus, I think I was a little hard on the kids.

You spoke to your father, huh?

Yeah, I did.

I already apologized to the kids though.

Well, whatever you said must've worked, because

Devin is in his room cleaning up.

And Ebony is studying with some older student named Sergio.

Say what?

[Laughing]

Just kidding. She's washing the dishes.

- Oh. well at least that problem's solved. - Yeah.

Uh oh.

I'm here, Lisa.

Yeah, and ready to get our roller derby on? Ha!

I see. I see. Um, but yeah, about that. Uh-

Alright I'm here Lisa! I'm ready!

[BOTH] What is she doing here?

That's my cue to leave.

Uh, uh, okay, so, yeah, I uh, I brought you both here because I need you to realize

that we're family and you're both important to me.

And you actually have a lot more in common than you realize.

Oh yeah? Like what?

Well, you're both very passionate spirits.

You know what? I'll reserve my passion for eating mayonnaise sandwiches

and listening to Barry Manilow!

Are you still on that? I like Barry Manilow.

I don't have a problem with you being white.

My problem is with you trying to steal my baby sister.

Is that what you think? I wasn't trying to steal Lisa.

It's just that I don't have any close family, and Todd's

been away on business a lot lately, and

I've been a little lonely, and I guess she's the best friend I have.

I guess...

I just lost another fiancé.

And Rachel's been busy with her new girlfriend.

I'm lonely too.

See, you both been so busy shouting off insults, when you

really could've been there for each other.

You're so right.

I guess I'm just not used to sharing my littlest sister with anyone.

And I'm sorry about that.

This one is the glue that keeps our family together.

Yeah she sure is.

You know, [Stammering] I could have been more understanding, too.

What do you say?

Bury the hatchet?

Bring it in, Katie Couric.

Oh, bring it in, Cookie!

[All Laughing]

Oh, whoa! Oh, oh, okay, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Okay, be careful. You good?

- Okay, we're good. - I got it.

You're alright, you're good!

Woo! We can be one big happy family!

[All Talking at Once]

Lori, I didn't know you were a roller.

Oh honey for years!

It's just something about knocking into husky women that

brings out the beast in me.

Oh, I can see! I know I feel so fierce when I'm in the ring.

- Fierce! I love this. - I love it.

Look, this leg right here? I keep it out. I call this trip or trick.

I love that. I gotta go practice that. Come on!

Oh, I'm with you come on! Right behind you sis.

Okay, let's go smash some...

Lori? Vivian? What the? Oh, wha?

Really?

They abandoned you, huh?

Yes Tony, they did. Can you believe that?

Damn shame. Listen I got the tent set up in the room.

Bring the skates,

the helmet and button up that chin strap.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Yo dad, can I get some money?

Money? Boy please. You- [Sniffing]

Wait a minute, you smell halfway decent.

You finished cleaning up your room?

Yep. And I found so much stuff.

See how that works? I'm proud of you, boy. [Doorbell Rings]

Let me see who this is.

Are you Mr. Stallworth?

Uh yes, but we don't want any.

Mr. Stallworth, we've been getting some posts online with you neglecting your children.

What?

I go social media on them, and they go social worker on me?

Child neglect is a very serious offense sir.

Ain't nobody negle- those kids are fine. Look, look, my son-

Sir, we're going to have to do what's best for the children.

- Officer take this man away. - What?

Stop resisting.

Resisting?

I can't get arrested by no Michael Phelps now.

Come on now!

What is this? The Wild Wild West? Somebody call my Momma.

Lisa! Lisa!

[Officer] Sir take it like a man.

Yo, FaceSpace that was my Dad you just saw with

them nasty snot bubbles coming out of his nose.

-What's up FaceSpace. -And this is our drama teacher, Mr. Holly.

- How do you like me now? - You was great by the way, thanks.

No, thank you.

Yeah, thank you.

Where did that fake cop take our dad anyway?

Oh, he just took him out to the car.

He'll figure it out when he gets to that 9 Pinto.

We did that. Haha!

[Instrumental Music]