Original subtitles

[MUSIC]

Um, hey. Whatcha doin'?

Well the internet connection down here is terrible. But, not anymore.

I'm adding a wireless routing system for the whole house.

Tony, you already spend enough time down here.

We add good internet, we'll never see you.

Oh we can always Skype. Or have virtual reality sex.

Them sites stopped taking my credit card a long time ago anyway.

Tony, why don't you hire a professional?

Because I know what I'm doing.

- Hmm. - What you got goin' on?

Oh, nada mucho.

You want some nachos? What?

I said "not much", and you would know that if you

took un poquito español.

Alright, I'm tired of this Spanish inquisition.

What you talkin' Spanglish for anyway?

I don't know, I was thinking maybe it would be cool if we took a Spanish class together.

[SCOFFS] Girl, I ain't got time to be learnin' another language.

I's still tryin' to learn the English.

You are no fun.

Don't you need to learn Spanish anyway? You're in construction.

I know "vamanos" and "dinero".

But "dinero" is universal. Money talks, so I don't have to.

Well I actually saw an infomercial that said I could make

a lot of money being a translator.

Oh, that's good for you. I already have a job.

Well, don't you think it'd be romantic if we

go salsa dancing?

Girl you know I'm not big on dancing. But I do love salsa and chips.

Why don't you practice your Spanish and go make us some enchiladas.

You know what? I don't even know why I try with you Tony. Adios!

Hey, watch your mouth.

While you're up there, grab me one of them cervezas.

Ándale, ándale, arriba, arriba!

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors won't let me be *

* The kids keep talkin' back to me *

* Family Time, Family Time

[MUSIC]

Lisa, why have you got this big-ass jacuzzi you don't ever use it?

Shut up, we do use it.

Ooh yes. Right there, that's the one.

Ooh, muy caliente, Lisa.

What y'all lookin' at?

Ah, looking for a Spanish tutor.

For what?

I'm just trying to better myself.

Did you know Paul Robeson spoke over twenty different languages?

That was before translation apps.

You know what? You always have a way of belittling

- everything I do. - Yeah, Rachel.

¿Por qué no intentas a apoyo a tu hermana?

What did you just say?

I think I just said

why aren't you supportive of your sister?

When did you learn to speak Spanish?

Well, you remember Rafael?

- Mm-hmm. - I picked him up, I picked it up.

Hmm. That's better than some of the stuff you picked up from them other men.

You know, I actually remember Rafael.

What happened to him though?

- It didn't work out. - Mm. - Oh.

- You guys have problems? - No, we were cool.

He had problems with the American Government.

- Oh, citizenship. - Jaywalking.

I don't know. It's over, I'm thankful it's over.

And I've moved on. Found myself a good man.

Ooh. Now who is this mystery man?

Well, his name is Trevor.

He is a lawyer. A very successful lawyer.

And that's all you need to know right now.

- See here we go with the secrets. - It's no secret!

Okay so then when can we meet this Trevor?

Never. I'm just playin'.

Okay, just give it time. It's kind of difficult for us because

you know, he's always away on business.

Oh, translation: he's married.

No he's not! I mean [SCOFFS] I'm just say- I don't thi-

He's an international businessman, and

and he stays busy with international business cases.

You guys keep a secret?

No. But tell us anyway.

He asked me to send him some risqué pictures.

- Ooh! - Don't do it.

Well, why not?

Yeah why not? My phone is full of risqué pictures. Let her live on the edge a little bit.

Well, I took this one int he mirror. What do you think?

That's cool, that's cool.

Lori, where is your top?!

It's a risqué picture, what I'ma do with a top?

[LISA] No!

You call that risqué? Let me show you what I send to my girls.

You see that right there?

Gah oh Molly!

Oh, y'all are some freaks!

Really, Lori-

[RACHEL] They're gonna change them diapers, who did you talkin' about?

Lori don't do it. Seriously, you remember what happened to me on Funstagram?

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't do it.

Okay, I'll just, what, stay old-school

and make him wait 'til he gets back in town to see it.

- Yeah. - No! Go ahead and send the pic. I mean, what's

the worst that can happen?

Mm! Alright!

Wireless internet is officially set up.

Now I won't have to leave the man cave except for the shower and to use the bathroom.

Nyah!

Man, you don't need to take no shower.

And we gotta use the bathroom, just put one of those empty water bottles to good use.

Called recycling, Ton'.

Boy you really were raised in a cave, huh?

Alright, let me make sure the signal is strong enough.

Alrighty... yeah!

Cool, I'm connected.

[PHONE DINGS] Hey-whoa!

Oh! Man, look at this!

Oh, man that's Lori! And are those her...

[PHONE BEEPS]

- Hey that's Rachel! - Yeah, and that's her...

Oh, oh...

Hey, Ton', look man, I don't know what the hell you doin' with pictures

of Lori and Rachel on your phone...

I know you a freak and everything, but pictures of your wife's sisters?

That's cutting it a little too close, don't you think?

Well, on second thought, you the man!

I don't know what the hell's going on.

Maybe it was like a pocket dial. Or a pocket text.

From both of them back to back?

Wait a minute, I know what this is!

- Yeah man, this is a set-up from Lisa! - What?

Yeah man, it's a set up from Lisa. She's tryin' to see what you'll do!

By sending me naked pictures of her sisters?

Ah come on Ton', that's just photoshop, man!

Those are clearly Photoshopped images of they face on Lisa's body.

- This is not Lisa's body. - How you know?

I think I know my own wife's body.

Well man, well send me the pictures of your wife's body, so I can verify

for myself, man.

How about I verify your body at the coroner's office?

No man, oh! Damn it, you know what?

This can only be one thing. They into me.

[LAUGHS] What do you mean they into you?

Lisa's sisters hate you, man.

Yeah, that's what I thought. But now it's starting to become very clear.

Remember that time I said I walked in on Rachel changing and she didn't even trip?

Yeah, but how much did you see though?

Well, whatever I didn't see she showed me in this photo.

Nah, nah, nah. Her sister's a lesbian, so that don't really count.

I don't know man, she dated men before. Maybe she's on the fence.

You know how you sound man? You sound like me!

What do you think Lisa gonna say when she find out?

Man, she's gonna go ballistic.

Where you goin'?

I'm gonna go test the waters man, see, you know, see what's going on.

- You comin'? - Hell yeah I'm coming.

Hey, lemme see the picture of Rachel again.

Just Rachel man! Don't be stingy, gimme your phone like that.

Oh, hey babe. I found a Spanish tutor online, I'ma call him up.

- That's great babe. - Yeah, what phone?

Shh, shh, shh! They outside!

Javier? Uh-oh, good.

You still there? I'm sorry, receptions bad up here.

Thought I lost ya.

Oh, in Español?

Oh, well, I don't know Español, that's why I'm calling you Javier.

Oh, you know? I do know sí.

And gracias. And amigo!

Sure. Yeah, we could

we could be amigos. I mean I was thinkin' tutor and

student, but yeah, amigos is cool, why not?

- Did you do it? - Yes! I sent it!

Ooh! Good for you girl!

He is gonna go crazy when he sees it!

I love the Spanish language. I think it sounds so beautiful.

And I- the whole Latin culture, honestly. I want to be more worldly.

It's time. More cultured, if you will.

Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, I'm married.

But y husband thinks I should broaden my horizons, so...

Yeah, we don't keep any secrets.

Oh I'm wide open. Wide open. Schedule is

good so, whenever you're...

good and have some free time, I'm, I'm...

Uh... Friday night at your place?

Uh, no. No, no, no, no Javier.

That's no, that I don't think-that, that time won't work for me.

Okay now seriously Rachel, do not tell Lisa. You know she's a prude.

Of course not. She wouldn't understand.

She's about as erotic as Mother Teresa.

Tomorrow? At 2 AM?

You have some tequila? No...

No, no. That is, that's just way past my bedtime

Javier, come on. [SIGHS]

Uh, you know what? Hey, hey, hey listen. Why don't

we meet at my place next week, during the daytime?

When it's just nice and bright outside, and the sun is shining?

Okay. Okay that, that works? Great.

Thank you Javier! See you soon. Bye-bye.

* I'm gonna learn some Spanish. *

[MUSIC]

Hi! You must be Javier.

Ah-ah-ah! Hola. Mi llamo Javier.

Oh, okay, so we're gonna start already? Oh, um...

Mi llamo Lisa. Bien burrito.

Bean burrito? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

Oh no, no! I meant welcome. I was trying to say welcome.

Ah! Bienvenido.

Oh, alright yes! Bienvenido.

Okay, come on in! Welcome, thank you.

Uh, you can have a seat on the couch, right here.

[SIGHS]

So Mrs. Stallworth, why have you decided to

learn the beautiful language of español?

Well you know, I'm not currently working, and I just thought being a translator might

be a good career opportunity.

Ah estás en lo correcto. Spanish is the second most spoken

- language int h world. - Really? What's the first?

Ji yuyan wei putonghua.

- Huh? - Mandarin is the first.

- I speak seven languages. - Oh wow. Which ones?

Uh, English, Spanish,

uh, Mandarin, Italian, German and Portuguese.

Oh, oh well that-that's only six.

I also speak the language of love. And if you stay course...

you can get there in no time.

Well I gather you're talking about French?

Of... course! Mrs. Stallworth, let's begin.

From this point on, you will be completely immersed

in Spanish.

And you will learn the language within 30 days.

Oh, or mi dinero back?

No. You will pay for 30 more days.

But let's begin! Repeat after me:

- Uno, dos, tres... - Uno, dos, tres...

- Cuatro, cinco... - Cuatro, cinco...

- Tony. - Mm-hmm...

- Tony! - Huh? What? What's going on?

- Hey Tony. - Wha- what the hell are y'all two doin' down here?

Brother-in-law, we need to talk.

You damn right we need to talk.

- What's going on? - We know you got those pictures.

Yes I did. And y'all need to be more careful

with sensitive materials like that.

We don't need to be careful. It was no accident.

- Huh? - Oh come on Tony, we're all adults here.

Let's keep it real.

Did you like the pictures?

- Or not? - Huh?

Rachel asked you... if you liked the pictures.

Or not.

What the hell [STAMMERING] what is wrong with y'all?

If Lisa knew we was havin' this conversation, she'd kill all of us!

- So then we're all in agreement? - Yes.

Lisa can never find out about this.

- Never. - It'll be our... little...

- secret. - Secret?

What the- if you don't get your hands- oh-ah, hey!

[YELLING] No! No, no!

No! No! No!

[PANTING] What the hell?

Tony baby, you okay?

Yeah, I-I just had a awful nightmare.

- Wanna talk about it? - No, no! Absolutely not.

I love you.

[MUSIC]

Uh, you know, I need to talk to you about something Lori.

Yeah?

Okay remember that Spanish tutor I got, Javier?

- Yeah. - I'm not sure, but I think he made a

- pass at me! - Yeah! Ooh, what he say?

It's not about what he said, okay? It's just

how he says it. You know, he's always lookin' into my eyes, and

we're learnin' about the language of love, and all we talk about is anatomy.

- Anatomy? - Yeah.

I guess the obvious question is...

Can I have his number?

Okay. Does he have any money?

- Does it matter? - Yeah honey, that matters!

If he has some money, he can sweep you off to some

foreign exotic locale. I can meet you there

and casually steal him away. Then you can come back home

to your boring, hum-drum, dumb hubby.

You know what? I knew I asked the wrong sister.

- Everybody's happy! - Come on, come on Lori.

- Hey brother-in-law! - Hey!

- Where you goin'? - Ah, man what's ah- girl, I didn't even know you was here.

Is it okay that I'm here?

Yeah, you can be here. I-I don't care. If you here or you ain't here, I'm not [SCOFFS].

Whatever.

- You okay Tony? - Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.

Because I'm completely neutral and nothing has changed.

You sure you didn't fall off the roof and hit your head again?

Um, yeah, that's exactly what it is.

[LAUGHING]

- Lisa. - Hmm?

I'm a little disappointed

that my man has not replied or responded

DM'ed, nothin' about that picture that I sent.

- Not goin' down to the DM? - No.

[GROANS] And I'm sad about it.

Maybe he's playing hard to get?

I don't know. I can't believe you sent that pic, by the way

- to this mystery man. - [LAUGHING]

I sure did send that pic, by the way.

you know what? Let me ask a mans opinion. Tony?

- Wuh? - What do you think about

this guy Lori's talkin' to, he hasn't responded to her.

- Wh-what you askin' me for? - Because you're a man.

Oh well, I don't even know who she sent it to.

- I don't know him either. - Wuh-wha-wh- I don't even know what kind of picture it was.

[LAUGHING]

Yes you do! [LAUGHING]

You know what kind of picture it was.

The only kind of picture worth discussing.

So what do you think? Is he playing hard to get?

Or he's flattered

wants to burn his eyes out and he's just not interested.

Burn his eyes out?

What are you talkin' about? Have you taken a look at all of this lately?

I lost some weight! What do you mean, burn his eyes out?

- What, do you think he's gay or something? - Oh he ain't gay.

- Well how do you know, Tony? - Uh... gaydar?

Well.. if... he's not interested

that doesn't make nay sense, because he hasn't called me.

And, I mean, no news is good news, right sis?

I mean, if he wasn't interested

he'da called me by now and told me to stop stalking him.

Okay but i-if he did that, then you'd just forget all about him?

No. See, that would probably make me pursue him even harder.

See there's one thing you don't know about me little brother.

- Hmm? - I always get my man.

Hmm!

[MUSIC]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay Lisa, I think you have done very well on your first lesson.

But before we move onto the next

why don't we review what you have already learned? Anatomy.

- Are you ready? - I guess.

- Ah, ah, ah! - Oh, uh, sí.

And speaking of "see", let's begin.

- Ojos. - Uh-huh.

- Noriz. - Ah-ha.

- Mabios. - Laaaabios.

- La- - And here's a new one.

- Lengua. - Lengua.

Sí. Let's continue.

- Mano? Brazo? - Sí

- Mi pechos?! - No, no, no, no! Wh-wh-what is underneath

- the pechos? - Oh, oh... my heart?

Correcto. Corazon.

Say it with me.

[BOTH] Corazon.

Mi corozon esta para ti.

What does that mean?

My heart is for you.

I don't usually do this when I tutor my students

but when I meet a woman that exudes such sensuality

I just can't help myself.

[NERVOUSLY SPEAKING SPANISH]

[GASPING] What the hell?

- You alright? - Oh, I just had an awful...

awful nightmare.

- You wanna talk about it? - No! No, no, absolutely not.

It didn't involve your sisters, did it?

Never mind.

[MUSIC]

Okay Lisa, do tell, how are the

Español lessons coming along?

Oh... no bueno.

What do you mean?

Thinking about firing my instructor.

Pero por qué? You were so gung-ho about learning a new language

and the whole tutoring thing.

- What's the deal? - I don't know, I kind of think he made a pass at me.

And not to mention, I kinda sorta, maybe

probably definitely had a dream about him.

Ooh you little hussy!

- What? - Do tell!

I didn't like it, it just... happened.

Oh. Well did IT happen?

No, it did not happen, okay? Because I woke up

and that's that.

Yeah well you didn't tell Tony anything about that, did you?

Um, are you kidding me? No. Tony would blow his top.

Tony would blow his top about what, Lisa?

Uh.. Tony! I didn't even know you were home.

Hmm, hmm. Well surprise! There seems to be a lot of secrets

floating around here. Lisa, I gotta tell you something,

You gotta tell me something?

Mm-hmm. Or maybe I should let Lori and Rachel tell you.

Who wants to go first?

The hell are you talking about?

You know good damn well what I'm talking about!

Lori, you want to start?

Alright, fine! My mystery guy may be married.

- What's the deal with Tony? - What's going on Tony?

Oh-bu-Lisa, I didn't want to be the one to tell you this

But both your sisters made a pass at me.

- What? - Oh hell no, I'd rather get hit by a passing bus.

Look, they was tryin' to get some of this thunder.

okay Tony, that is a pretty big accusation.

Well I'm not tryin' to start no family drama

But it is what it is, and I got proof. [PHONE BEEPS]

- Bam! - [ALL EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK]

Oh my goodness how did you get that?!

Oh don't you play coy with me woman, you text me that!

[HIGH PITCHED] What!?

And you! You lesbian imposter! Hmm!

Oh I am so embarrassed for you.

Okay, somebody needs to explain to me what is going on

seriously, like right now.

oh, wha-wait a minute, wait a minute, let me see that phone.

'Cause even if I was straight and you wasn't my

brother-in-law, I would never send that to you.

You ain't worth the data.

[PHONE CLICKING]

Oh, boy, these are airdrops, you idiot.

Air-what?

Airdrops! It's a new feature on smartphones where you can send

pictures instantly to the cloud.

Tony, you did just set up that new wireless system.

- Hmm! - Well there it is.

Damn it! Why couldn't you just hire a professional?

Why didn't they hire a professional? Them pictures was straight amateur hour.

Draws on in the background. Look at this one.

Why couldn't you just erase the pictures from your phone?

Because I needed evidence, okay?

But, now I know that accidents happen. I will delete these asap.

Carry on.

Uh, yeah, no. Thank you. I'll delete them.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Freak of the week.

[MUSIC]

Como esta?

Bien, y tu?

What's up Lisa, you uh, studyin' Spanish by yourself?

Yup. Fired that tutor.

Figured we could save some dinero.

Mm. I like the sound of that.

Me and Donnie are headin' to the bar, so I'm just gonna go grab my wallet.

Okay.

Studyin' a little Spanish, huh?

Well you know, I'm known to speak a couple Spanish words myself.

- Is that right? - Yeah.

Uh, parite, corizon, umbake.

[POPS MOUTH]

That's French for "I want you."

[BOTH] What the hell?!