Original subtitles

Tony, babe, baby can you come on?

I don't wanna be the, sheesh, the last ones to arrive. Come on.

Look, if you gonna make me go to this thing, then I want to make an entrance.

I like to arrive late and leave early. In fact...

we only have to be there for about 15 minutes.

No! We can't be there for 15 minutes, it's Cheryl's birthday.

She's been very fragile since they finalized the divorce.

Ah yeah. That's a shame about her and Jack. He was a good brother.

- He cheated on her. - Good brother, bad liar.

- Can we just go? - All right, all right.

Look I don't know how you got me to go to this thing, but if Cheryl's birthday party

turns into a pity party, I'll be at the bar.

Oh Tony come on. Can you just fake it for 15 minutes?

- No. - Why not? I do.

Wait a minute.

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors won't let me be *

* The kids keep talkin' back to me *

* Family Time

* Family Time, Family Time, Family Time *

[CROWD TALKING]

Lisa, Tony, over here!

See Lisa, I knew it was gonna be like this.

What are you talking about? Everybody looks like they're having a ball.

Yeah, but none of them brought they man.

There's plenty of guys in here Tony, come on.

- Hi! - Happy birthday!

Aww, thank you! And thank you for bringing my Tonester.

I wouldn't miss it! Even if you keep calling me whack nick-names like The Tonester.

Oh here's a birthday gift.

Okay, what is it, what is it?

Well I don't know what it is, but I'm sure I paid for it.

Oh, classic Tonester, always with the zingers!

Everyone this is Lisa and Tony, they're my neighbors.

Hi ladies. Bye ladies, I'll be at the bar.

Well you look gorgeous.

Oh-well me? Look at you, shining bright like a diamond.

Well thank you! These are my friends from work.

- This is Lisa. - Hi.

So, what're you guys talking about?

Well, as a matter of fact, we were discussing our divorces.

Oh-oh, maybe Tony was right, sounds like a little man-bashing

goin' on around here.

No no, girl talk. Just girl talk.

Besides, it wouldn't be a birthday party without a little man-bashing.

Well I mean, fortunately for me, you know, Tony and I have a

pretty healthy marriage despite a little fight here and there.

Hmm. Yeah, yeah that's uh, what Jack and I

and his secretary used to say.

- Nanny. - Best friend.

Thanks for the round, man.

Loved you in "The Legend of Bagger Vance". Hey man, let me get another shot.

You doin' alright man? You look like you could use a double.

Yeah man, I got drug out here to a all girls birthday party.

Oh, for real? Shoot. It's a packed house tonight man.

I'd be out there milly-whopping into everything if I was you man.

It's a single brother's paradise, you know?

Ain't lyin' brother. It's always fine women in here.

That's why I always keep me a extra bus pass.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah man, well unfortunately, I'm not single.

I'm in here with the old ball 'n chain, you know what I mean?

No, exactly what do you mean, Tony?

I-I mean that my heart is chained to these balls of emotion that I have

every time I think about my wife.

Um, bartender can you could just hold that drink, okay? He's had enough.

Nice talking to you.

Man he didn't even leave no tip. Old Cuba Gooding look-alike.

Let' get a mans opinion. Tony?

Uh no, no. No opinion, no opinion at all, I am not getting caught up in any women drama.

Okay? I'm just here to celebrate your birthday. Happy birthday.

Okay Tony, come on, why don't we just be a part of the conversation instead of

standing at the bar talking about us.

Okay. All right. Cheryl?

- Yeah? - Go ahead.

Okay, well the ladies and I were just discussing why men

always leave their wives for younger women.

I wouldn't know Cheryl, because I'm perfectly happy with Lisa most of the time.

Tonester, this is not about you. This is a hypothetical.

Okay, well, hypothetically speaking, um...

It's just a known fact older men are attracted to younger women

and younger women are attracted to older men.

Okay, okay that's fair, I have been known to

stay up late night and watch a Sean Connery movie or two.

But uh, but-but-I'm just speaking hypothetically.

Eh, you know, because I'm sticking with Lisa. Who is old.

Excuse me?

Well-I-I-I'm just, I-I-I'm-I'm speaking relatively.

You now, in the scenario that Cheryl has placed before us.

Huh. So is that why you hired a younger, attractive, female secretary? Huh?

Lisa, you hired her!

Oh, let's not get into specifics, Tony.

[SCOFFS] Really? I knew this was gonna be a set-up.

Look just because Jack was creepin' with his secretary, doesn't mean that I am.

Heh, and, uh, no offense Cheryl, happy birthday.

Or maybe you're just a better liar, Tony!

No offense, Cheryl. Happy birthday.

Right so, are you two okay? Are you two-

Oh we're fine, she just PMS'ing. I got her under control. [CHUCKLES] Okay.

[INAUDIBLE]

[GRUNTS]

Li - I - I - I mean- I meant I got the situation

under control. [LAUGHING]

Ah, ya'll a - happy birthday.

Baby, P-PMS doesn't always mean-

***

That was very immature, Lisa.

Making me walk 25 blocks, it's freezing outside!

You coulda took a Goober.

[SCOFFS] Last time I took a Goober I was in a police chase.

Oh you wanna talk about immature?

A mature man does not embarrass his wife in front of her friends.

I told you I didn't wanna go in the first place.

Oh yeah Tony you made that so very clear. The whole time you didn't even try.

I tried to stay out of that conversation. Let me ask you something.

Why do women always push men right to the edge?

Is it 'cause you want to get a rise out of us just to see what would happen?

Oh yeah, Tony, that's-that's exactly it. I wanted us

to get into an argument tonight. That's exactly what I wanted. It's how I feel.

Okay, well, at least you admitted it. I mean, what's the matter, Lisa?

Huh? Am I, am I not, am I not giving you enough attention around here?

Oh no you did not!

You go and embarrass me in public and then talk to me about needing attention?

Well that's how you women do. If you can't get positive attention

you'll take negative attention. Just any kind of attention.

Well why else would you drag me somewhere I didn't want to be?

Oh so you sayin' you should never have to be in any

situation that you don't want to be in?

Exactly. I'm a grown-ass man.

Okay. I agree.

- Wha-what are you doin'? - Oh, uh...

I'm a grown-ass woman Tony. And right now I don't wanna be in

this bedroom, so I'ma take your advice.

And I'ma sleep in the guest bedroom. Mkay?

Know that hurt.

***

Mmm! Oh, I see you got them pancakes cookin'!

Where's mine at?

You a grown-ass man right? That's what you say. Ah, you can make your own pancakes.

Okay, okay. You still on that? I see what this is.

I'm well rested because I was sleeping in our comfortable bed

so I'm over it. But you were sleeping in that guest bed with that

coil stickin' in your ass.

Uh, no, but I'm feeling a pain in my ass right now.

Hey mom! Hey dad.

Ooh! I see you got them pancakes cookin'.

This is just so typical. Every man in this house

lets me down and then expects me to cook them breakfast.

Oh... what did I walk into?

Ah never mind her, she's trippin'.

Oh, I'm trippin'? Because I have an inconsiderate husband and a son

who brings home bad grades?

Hmm... oh...

This is the week report cards come in already?

You damn right it is, Devin.

Let me see that.

- Wha- what's up with all these D's brah? - Yeah, that's your son.

I think he got them double D's from you, Lisa.

I don't think she's in the mood, dad.

Yeah well I'm not in the mood with you either.

How do you get a D in PE?

Easy. By not showing up.

Let me see that.

Oh snap. I got a B in History.

How'd that happen?

"B" gonna stand for this belt on your ass.

No is that the only class you studied for?

No, not at all! Oh...

I know what it was. The final was a multiple choice test.

So I just "DABed" my way through it.

What do you mean "dab"? What's that mean?

"D", "A", "B". [CHUCKLES]

"D", "A", "B".

I guess I'm just lucky.

You lucky to be alive. That's what you are.

"DAB" gonna stand for "Devin's Ass Beatin'". Keep it up.

Hey everybody, good morning.

Hey baby.

I made you a plate of pancakes, since you're the

only one in this house who doesn't bring me any drama.

Oh, thanks mom!

Yeah, my little straight A student. Doesn't talk back...

doesn't take me for a joke.

Man, whatever. Devin, I'll make you some breakfast. What you want?

Some chicken and waffles.

Flag on the play boy, we gonna go out to eat. Come on.

You like 'em? Gluten free.

***

Okay I get that Tony can be inconsiderate...

and cheap, and selfish, and bullheaded, and gassy

- Okay. I get it. - And his head is bigger than his body...

Rachel, thank you.

But you're probably just blowing this whole thing out of proportion.

Well I mean I wouldn't have to if he would've just said sorry and

apologized for what he said at Cheryl's party, but he hasn't.

Okay. Lisa, I think you're expectations are a little bit too high.

Now you know Tony is not gonna apologize.

You gotta learn to pick and choose your battles.

Well this is the battle I'm picking and choosing.

Okay well you need to pick and choose a new husband.

But, since you won't, what do you want? An apology?

Uh, hell no. Flowers too.

Alright Lisa, you guys go through this once a week.

And the second that I take your side, you make up

and then I look stupid.

Okay, well maybe I'll just stand my ground this time, he'll actually change.

That's your problem Lisa.

You keep thinking you can change men. Men don't change.

That's why I changed to women.

Well, that and I like big boobies.

Okay, that's actually not true. He has changed, a little.

- Since we started dating. - How?

Well he doesn't belch out loud anymore.

And I finally cut him from his moms umbilical cord.

[LAUGHING]

Okay. To changing Tony.

To changing Tony.

[FRETTING]

What's up? I-I got your text.

What took you so long to get here? You were just next door in your room.

You ain't never heard of showing up fashionably late?

I have a problem and I need your advise.

Word? you need my advice?

That must mean this problem's real big.

Remember when mom was like I'm her little straight A student?

Oh, so you's just gonna throw that in my face now?

I'm failing a class! [CRYING]

Word? You?

You're supposed to be the smart one.

You're gonna be so embarrassed! Dad gonna get his belt, mom gonna be trippin'!

Man you done let the whole family down.

Okay, okay, I get your point. How am I even gonna break the news to them?

What class are you failing anyway?

I got a "F" in Black History.

Black History?

When mom and dad find out, you're gonna be black history!

[CRYING]

You know, they might not trip though since they know you adopted and all.

What?!

[SOBBING]

***

Black History? For real? You're black!

How do you now know your own history?

Well, it's what happens when you don't turn in your work.

Look, if you want to skip out on your trigonometry homework

I get it. But Black History? Come on, don't make us

all look bad, Stacy Dash!

It's not that I didn't want to do the homework, it's

that I didn't want to do it out of protest.

If not doin' homework is protestin', then I been an activist my whole life.

I thought we should be covering Martin Luther King Jr., or Malcolm X.

Or Medgar Evers. But they wanted to do my final essay on

who invented peanut butter.

Come on now Ebony, everyone knows that, it's Booker T. Washington!

It's George Washington Carver, and he didn't even invent it!

Well I knew it was one of the Washington's, like Denzel or Kerry or one of them.

What do you think mom and dad are gonna do to me?

Nothing. 'Cause they're not gonna find out.

I don't get it.

One thing I learned in my Black History class

which I got a C minus in,

is us black people gotta stick together.

- And I got your back. - So what's the plan?

So, since mom and dad aren't flipping out, I assume

you got your hands on the first report card.

Yup.

Great. But, they've already sent out the second one.

And we gotta intercept.

It's that simple?

Not quite. See, when you're failing a class, they gonna call the house.

Mom's gonna answer and I'm gonna die!

No, no, they're not. 'Cause dad's gonna answer.

A younger, handsomer version of him.

Always leavin' his dirty clothes everywhere. Like I'm his maid!

Pick up your own clothes you - Tony! Pick up your dirty clothes off the floor.

Oh. So you talkin' to me again, huh?

Whatever. I-I'll pick them up later. Look, I just wanted to let you

know that I'm going out with Donnie and the fellas to play some poker.

- Don't wait up. - Uh...

You weren't gonna check in with me first?

Yo first of all, you haven't been talkin' to me all day. Second...

I ain't gotta check in, this ain't a hotel.

- Oh is that right? - Yeah.

Look, Lisa, I didn't have to tell you that I was going anywhere.

I just dropped by to let you know so that I could be courteous.

Oh well you've never been courteous

Tony, so why change now? [CHUCKLE]

See that's the problem Lisa. You're always trying to change me.

But that ain't ever gonna happen.

Nobody's trying to change you.

Oh really? Well then why did I hear you tell your sister that you been tryin' to

change me ever since we first started dating?

Oh.. Oh, whoa, you were spying on me?

Where I'm from it's called ear hustling, Lisa.

Now I heard everything you said.

And you can't change that.

You are so selfish!

Oh, oh I'm selfish? I'm selfish? Lisa, I won the lotto.

Okay? I coulda took that money and moved my black-ass back to Africa.

Alright? Had a whole bunch of babies running around in the bush. But I did not.

Alright? I bought you a house for you and your spoiled-ass kids, okay?

So do not call me selfish.

Huh. Whoa. Wow.

Let... let me give you a round of applau-just...

Gripping performance. Emmy winning performance Tony.

Thank you so much for taking free money and

feeding your family!

Alright. Well let me give you a golf clap.

Because you

get the Academy Award for being the unappreciative wife

who has a good hard working husband that provides for you and her kids

but you still want to change him.

- Hmm. Hmm! - Hmm!

- Well you know what? Let me give you... - Hmm?

another round of applause, 'cause I don't know how to

play her, okay?

Let me applaud you again Tony, for taking any issue this

family has and avoiding it just because you pay the mortgage.

Well thank you, thank you, thank you. But you ain't gonna get the last clap!

Alright? So let me give you a standing ovation

Okay? For always playin' the part of the victim.

But guess what Boo-Boo? You is not the victim this time. Alright?

'Cause I didn't do anything wrong. I'm out.

Oh, oh, oh! Okay. So, that's it?

You just gonna run away from this issue Tony? Come on!

Man up! Let's discuss it.

Let's discuss it then. What you wanna talk about Lisa? I'm listenin', I'm all ears.

Go ahead. Speak.

You know what Tony? With that attitude...

- Nothing. - That's what I thought. Collar pop!

You... ugly shirt!

If you gonna leave, then don't come back!

***

They're gonna kill me, they're gonna kill me, oh my God...[SOBBING]

- Alright, chill. - Is it there?

Got it.

Your second report card, and my second report card.

Alright, I'm gonna rip this up!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

What are you doin'?

This really is your first time getting rid of your report card.

They're gonna find it in the kitchen trash.

Well what are you gonna do to it?

I'm gonna put it on the grill.

We gonna have ourselves a little cookout.

Good thinking, Devin! Now, if

you just apply a little of that to your work, you'd make honor roll.

Come on Ebony, you know I don't have book smarts, I got street smarts.

[PHONE RINGING]

And that's them now.

How do you know?

They always call on Saturday.

[PHONE RINGING]

[BEEP]

Hello?

[DEEPER VOICE] Hello?

Yes, this is Mr. Stallworth.

Yes, I'm Ebony's father.

[NORMAL VOICE] Black History?

How dumb she got to be to fail...

[DEEP VOICE] Black History? You know we're black, don't you?

Can you stick with the plan?

[DEEP VOICE] All right. Well thank you for letting me know.

I'll get on top of the matter as soon as possible.

[WHISPERING] What's he saying?

[NORMAL VOICE] No, this isn't Devin.

[DEEP VOICE] Who's Devin?

[NORMAL VOICE] Alright then, I'll talk to you later.

[DEEP VOICE] Good day to you too, sir.

[BEEP]

Did it work?

Nah. Dad's gonna kill you.

Oh... so that's how we doin' Tony?

Stayin' out all hours to the night?

I know how this looks, but it's not how it looks.

I had a few too many beers at the poker game, I didn't want to drive

home so I crashed on Donnie's house.

Oh that's great. You should go ahead and get comfortable on Donnie's couch.

Because ah, that's where you'll be sleeping. Packed your bags

they're ready to go.

Really Lisa? You gon-you gonna take it that far to packin' my bags?

I know you're angry, okay, but...

I been thinkin' 'bout what you been sayin'. Alright? I think we should talk.

Oh. Oh now you want to talk.

That's funny Tony, 'cause I'm tired of talking. Done.

Lisa you don't believe me? You can ask Donnie.

Let me get him on the phone. He explain the whole thing.

Great, great. Donnie always give me a sense of clarity.

He'll clear this up. Donnie'll do it.

[DIALING]

[RINGING]

Still ringing.

Donnie! Hey, hey. What's up boy?

Yeah, listen. Uh, yeah, last night was wild.

Listen, I got Lisa standin' right here next to me, okay?

I want you to tell her everything that happened last night.

Yes everything! Y-....

Focus, okay... for real?

[CHUCKLES] I must've been sleepin' then.

Hey, hey, listen man, just-just tell her what happened, okay?

Hello Donnie. Goodbye Donnie.

Wha? Why would you hang up in his face?

I don't want to hear your boys cover up for you, Tony.

Who was there last night?

Wha- Donnie of course. Uh, Derrick was there.

- Uh, Cousin Dave stopped by. - Mm-hmm. Was Melinda there?

Who?

You know who Melinda is! The one who constantly wears those

inappropriate dresses to the work!

Oh that Melinda. Yeah, no, she wasn't there.

Okay, why-why would she be there?

She- well you- I don't know, Tony!

Because you didn't check in with me. Your wife.

Who you have clearly lost all respect for. So I suggest

you take advice from Eryka Badu and go ahead and call Tyrone.

Or in your case Donnie.

Really Lisa? That's-that's how you want it to go?

It's not how I want it to go, but it's how it is.

All right. I'll leave.

If I'm insecure, it's 'cause you made me that way Tony.

Mom, dad!

Hey, son, I don't know how much you heard, but

don't worry, I'm sure we'll straighten this out in a couple of days.

I-I don't know what you're talking about, but I think you need to see this.

Wha-...

What does this even mean, Devin?

She's gone.

Ebony must've ran away.

You think I could get her 60" though?