Original subtitles

[Music]

Alright, Lisa. I got you on the ropes.

You are going down.

Oh... Excuse me?

Are you speaking to the reigning champ with such disrespect?

Man, the reigning chump.

You about to lose that title, woman.

-Oh, ok. -Shake and bake...

Alrighty....

-You locked it up. -Oh Oh, ok.

Shake em up. Shake em up. Shake em up.

Get that. Get that.

Thank you. Shake em up.

-Alright. Alright. -They clean?

They clean enough.

[Both Mumbling]

Do something then.

- You got your 7? - I don't know...

- Alright. - Alright.

Big 6?

Uh, no.

Big 5?

Ten, pen!

I'll write it down then.

Alright.

You still need 10.

I need a dub set.

Thats how.

Oh...

Ok.

[Laughing]

Alright, so uh...

I need 10, you need 10.

Yeah, don't know how I'm gonna be that...

You know?

Unless I play this double blank!

Baby!

[Laughs]

Ten!

Reigning champ.

Thank you.

Thank you!

You're far too kind!

Whatever, Lisa.

You cheat!

Oh, oh, oh, really?

Really?

You know what...

You can keep...

Keep your little monies, homie.

I enjoy the simple things in life, you know?

Spending time with my family...

Just whipping that ass!

Alright, run it back. Run it back.

One more time. One more time.

You sure? I mean really? Really?

Haven't you been beat enough?

I mean, come on, Tony...

Is you scared? You ain't scared, is you?

Please, I do this all day.

I do this all day. Been winning since the beginning.

[Both Mumbling]

Whip me in my own house...

Hold on, it don't take you that long to sit down.

It does.

And you gonna wait.

-Alright. -What?

Big 6?

Nope.

Big 5?

Mmm...

[Continues Making Mmm Sound]

Check that one.

Tennis shoes, cause these pumps hurt my feet.

I quit!

No wait. Hold on. I'm just playing.

Un-unh!

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* "The bill collectors want their piece" *

* Kids keep talking back to me *

* Family time

* Family time, family time *

* Family time.

[Music]

I know they ain't got no doors on your cave, but around here, we knock.

Well if you wasn't home when I got here, both our problems would be solved.

Where's Lisa?

Oh, hey.

I'm right here.

You ready to go, girl?

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

[Snorts]

Wouldn't that be cannibalism?

[Laughs]

Very funny, Incredible Bulk.

Why don't you stand behind me so I can drop kick you back to the fat farm?

Ok, I gotta go grab my purse.

Can I leave you two alone without killing each other?

Really?

Sure, sure. We just love to hate each other.

Speak for yourself. I just hate you.

[Laughter]

So, brother-in-law...

You got an anniversary coming up.

Yeah, and?

And you got any plans?

Is it any of your business?

Look, bro, I'm just trying to help you out.

You look, bro, I got this handled. Ok?

We just gonna keep it simple this year.

How simple?

I'm gonna take Lisa to one of the last drive-in theaters still around.

Catch a double feature.

Oh, boy.

What?

I'm so glad I asked...

You know Lisa is not gonna fly for that.

Look, we already talked about this last year, ok?

She said no going overboard for any anniversaries except for the big ones, like fifty.

Hmm.

You really are as stupid as you look.

Don't you know that was a trap obviously set a year in advance?

Every woman wants a big anniversary.

Even if they don't say they do, they do!

Maybe that works for you and the skeezers that you used to going out with, ok?

But me and Lisa, we got our thing on lock. Alright?

We don't have to do anything big and fancy to prove our love to each other.

Mmm.

Mmm mmm mmm.

I'm sure gonna miss you when Lisa divorces you and you're not longer my brother-in-law.

Oh wait...

I won't.

[Laughter]

Ok.

You ready?

Yeah, lets do it.

We would invite you, Tony, but it's a fancy all-you-can-eat-buffet and...

We don't want you to put em out of business.

Must be fancy.

That's the only time you put on that Sug Avery wig.

[Music]

Yum!

Groceries?

Ma, what you got going for dinner?

Is that all you see?

Just groceries?

No hello, Mom?

I'm sorry, Mom.

You know, I just got food on my brain.

I had a long day of school.

Oh, really?

What'd you do?

Watch movies.

[Laughter]

Uh, that's it?

Pretty much.

There's nothing better than watching that teacher roll in that big box TV...

Cause you know it's nap time.

Wow.

So you're tired and you're hungry from napping all day at school?

Not at all.

I had to walk in-between classes, like nearly every hour, with this big old backpack on.

Hey, Mom.

What's for dinner?

You, too?

Hello, honey.

How was your day?

Oh, good.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Did you learn anything, unlike your brother?

Oh, absolutely!

We had a big day in history class.

Yeah?

Yeah, they passed out coloring books for all sorts of historical figures.

Did you know red and blue makes purple?

You did say coloring books, right?

Ok...

Coloring books, movies, that's what's happening at schools these days?

Not at all.

There was actually a really big fight today at school.

And I made so much bank off that...

Wait a minute, you're betting on fights Devin?

Of course not!

I take bets from both sides, so no matter who wins, I get my cut.

And I learned that in economics.

You know what?

That's it.

That is it.

I have sat around watching the public school system fall apart for too long.

I'm gonna do something about it.

Like what, Mom?

I'm joining the PTA.

[Both Screaming] Nooooooooo!

[Guitar Twangs]

* Call me back girl I been texting you. *

[Guitar Twangs]

* I was butt naked with no clothes on. *

[Guitar Twangs]

Hey man, you need to get this thing tuned, man.

And you're missing some strings.

Hmm.

Hey, so what are you and Lisa doing for your anniversary?

First of all, how do you know we have an anniversary coming up?

You can't even remember your own birthday.

[Laughter]

That's cold, Toni.

You know I'm a test tube baby, man.

I don't even know my parents.

[Laughter]

Anyway, naw, man...

Remember that time you took Lisa to that fancy steakhouse?

Man, it was so fancy, and the leftovers...

Were delicious, man!

Are you the one that's been eating the leftovers out of my doggy bags?

You ain't got no dog!

Well, I'm taking her to a drive-in this year, so if you want some leftover popcorn...

Feel free.

The drive-in?

Man, you Tony Stallworth.

I take my low-end broads to the drive-in.

You gotta do it bigger and better, man.

Yeah, well not this year.

Well you might need that doggy bag, cause your ass is gonna be in the dog house.

[Laughter]

Now you sound like Rachel.

She's talking about Lisa's trying to set me up by telling

me she don't want nothing fancy this year.

Hey, man, I might have to roll with Rachel on that one.

So you and Rachel...

Neither of whom have had a relationship last more than a couple of months...

Are trying to give me marriage advice?

[Laughter]

Look...

Women like to celebrate anniversaries, ok?

They like it big, alright?

Like for example, my anniversaries coming up, right?

I'm talking about limousines, hotel suites, the whole 9.

I didn't even know you were dating anybody.

Well I'm not, per se...

Uh...

But the girl that I...

I been stalking, its our one year anniversary of when she hit me with that restraining order.

[Laughter]

And I'm hoping the grand gesture might just might make her drop it.

[Laughing]

You crazy, man.

But you know what, I'm thinking you kind of on to something.

I mean, Lisa would appreciate it if I put in a little effort.

Put in a little effort, Toni.

I got an idea.

I'll make her think I forgot our anniversary.

See?

See?

That's a good way to make her mad.

No, but its called managing expectations.

I'll make her think I forgot, and then bam...

Hire a butler for the night.

Hit her with a home cooked meal, that I cooked myself.

Bubble bath, rose petals, candles...

The whole 9, man.

Done deal!

Hey man, can I come?

[Footsteps Approaching]

Dad, we need your help up here.

Is everything alright?

No!

Everything is not alright.

Your wife is up here trying to ruin our lives.

[Laughter]

Come on!

[Laughter Continues]

[Footsteps Fading]

[Guitar Twangs]

* Just answer the phone girl. *

[Guitar Twangs]

Mom, its not fair at all!

Seriously?

Are we still talking about this?

Yes, because its not fair...

I've made my decision.

[Talking Over Each Other]

Lisa, what's going on?

Mom is talking about chaperoning the Winter Ball.

What is she talking about?

Tell him, Mom.

Well, at the PTA meeting, I found out that there is no

volunteer chaperones for the dance.

There's never any volunteers for any dance.

And I decided, I have the night open, I might as well step up.

Listen to her.

Don't she sound Kanye crazy?

Watch...

Next thing she gonna want to do is chaperone the junior trip!

Oh!

Well thank you, honey, I didn't know that the trip wasn't going to be properly chaperoned.

That's a good idea.

[Laughter]

Well, it seems like you've got traumatizing the kids under control.

I'm gonna go back downstairs.

[Laughter]

Naw, naw, Dad, Dad, wait...

Can you at least talk to Mom, because...

Now all my friends aren't talking to me.

And I got voted out of the social club.

All because your mother joined the PTA?

Listen, I'm just trying to make the school a better place, ok?

Make sure the textbooks are updated...

Put an end to all these fights that keep happening.

Yeah.

And now they're having secret fights without me.

And its cutting into all my profits.

I've got to look up everything on Hood Star.

Mom, please, we're begging you.

Please quit the PTA.

You know what, Ebony?

I'm gonna do you one better.

You'll never step foot in our school again?

No.

I'm not going to be a part of the PTA...

I'm gonna run the PTA.

What?

Unhuh, yeah, that's right.

Lisa Stallworth is running for President of the PTA.

[Both] Noooooooooo!

[Laughter]

[Music]

[Music]

Hey baby, what you got up for the day?

Uh, me and some of the other parents are getting a petition singed to better vet the subs.

Devin told me the one had had last week, his breath smelled like booze.

Hmm.

Back in my day, we called that teacher cologne.

[Laughter]

What about you?

Me?

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing at all.

Really?

Yup, yup, yup.

Whole day free.

Nothing planned. Not forgetting nothing.

Nothing. Just chilling.

Oh. Well lucky you! Have a good day.

You, too.

[Kissing] See ya!

[Music]

Ok, a pinch of salt.

Um, oh!

[Laughter]

Hmm.

Balance it out with some pepper.

[Laughter]

Alright.

Here's all the stuff you wanted.

I had to go to three different stores just to get them special herbs you was talking about.

Oh, and here's the receipt.

Whatcha handing me that for?

To be reimbursed, Chef Boy-R-Cheap.

Please, as much as you be in my fridge...

You the reason I'm in this mess in the first place.

Oh, speaking of which...

I need another favor.

Um...

Remember how I said I wanted to make rice pilaf?

I forgot one thing.

What's that?

The rice.

You're so stupid.

Ok, well I'm gonna at least need some gas money.

Bring my change.

Yeah, right.

I'll bring you some clippers to trim that widows peak, Eddie Munster.

[Laughter]

Hey Toni, remember when you told me to tell you about to take the duck out in like an hour?

Yeah?

Yeah, I was supposed to tell you 30 minutes ago.

That's my bad.

Awe, what the duck?

That's what I get for putting a turkey in charge.

Awe!

[Laughter]

Awe!

Hey, it don't look that bad, Toni, just...

Tell her its blackened.

I should blacken your eye.

Man, its supposed to be duck a l'organge, not duck a l'negro.

Hey...

Hey, don't this look like Daffy Duck?

Ah!

Ah!

[Laughter]

That ain't hot?

Not no more, it ain't.

[Laughter]

[Meat Tenderizer Pounding]

[Groaning in Pain]

[Laughter]

[Continues Groaning]

[Pounding Harder]

[Cutting Board and Tenderizer Hitting Floor]

[Mumbling Incoherently]

[Mixer Whirring]

[Music, Mixer, and Laughter Overlapping Conversation]

[Music]

Hey Toni, we did that, man.

You see?

It looks delicious.

You see how I got the little duck beak in there, as a garnish?

Yeah, I see that.

I see that.

But it looks good man.

Looks good. Looks good.

Awe, but I forgot one thing.

What?

I forgot to hire the butler.

Tony, please.

I called that dude in advanced.

I already knew you were going to forget.

He's incredible, man.

I called the company, and they say he's got great referrals...

He's always on time, and he's just a great dude.

I think you'll really like him.

Ok, well what time does he get here?

He's supposed to be here now.

I don't know whats taking him so long.

Let me go call.

Alright, cool.

Alright.

[Lighter Clicking]

[Doorbell Ringing]

[Mumbles]

What the...?

[Laughter]

Whatever, man...

You're the butler?

Yeah, I told you I wanted to come.

The company sent me right over.

[Laughter]

Oh, I see what it is.

You don't think I'm good enough to be a butler, do you?

You don't believe in me.

No.

Yeah, well thats fine, man.

But wait 'til you hear my British accent.

[Mocking a British Accent] Good evening, guvnah!

Would you like red or white wine this evening?

[Laughter]

Man, whatever.

Just go in there and get ready, man.

I still got to get dressed.

Lisa will be here any minute.

[Continues Mocking British Accent] I'll be in the kitchen if you need me, sir.

Cheerio, chum!

[Laughter]

[Footsteps Ascending Stairs]

[Music]

Man, its a damn shame what happened to that duck.

This is cool, though, man, for some pre-made food from the

supermarket, you definitely made it happen.

Its a feast fit for a queen.

Yeah, there's only one thing missing.

Where the Hell is Lisa?

Awe, I know.

She's probably with uh, that dude that she met at y'alls wedding.

Yeah, man.

She's probably celebrating her anniversary with him, cause

they got the same anniversary as y'all...

And she didn't leave him hanging.

[Laughter]

Does it hurt when you think?

[Laughter]

Sometimes, yeah, I'm not even gonna lie to you.

It does hit me a little bit.

But look, man, thats because I'm hungry, man.

Why don't you just let me get a couple of pieces of this little piece of food...

[Repeating Disapproving Sound]

Please, please, brother, come on.

Lets just relax.

Lisa will be here in a minute.

Man, she not coming, Toni!

I'm hungry, man!

I've made some cakes.

We done made this burned-ass duck, can I get a piece?

[Laughter]

[Music]

Oh, you will not believe the day I had.

Woah, what is going on here?

Wha...

What is going on here?

Really?

What is going?

Whats going on here is that I slaved over a hot stove...

Went to Hell and back to make an anniversary dinner for us...

And you come in here talking about whats going on here?

What are you talking about?

What?

What am I talking about?

Wait, wait...

You forgot?

Oh my God...

What is the...

Whats the date?

[Mocking a British Accent] Hmm, shame on you, Lisa!

What time of woman forgets her own anniversary?

And we went all out for you.

Wait, why are you here?

Why are you talking like that?

Donnie, go home.

[Laughter]

Its been an honor and a pleasure serving you, sir.

Man, get out!

[In Normal Voice] See you later,Toni.

Lisa, I cannot believe that you forgot our anniversary.

Ah, sorry to interrupt.

fore y'all get to all of that...

[Laughter]

[In Mocking British Accent] Cheerio!

[Laughter]

I'm sorry.

Baby, I just got caught up in all the PTA stuff and I don't...

I don't...

I'm sorry!

I promise you I'll make it up to you.

You know what, Lisa?

I...

You've disappointed me before...

But you've never hurt my heart.

[Awes]

I'm sorry, Tony.

Come on!

[Tony Makes Mocking Noises] - I didn't mean it...

[Objects Clatter on Floor] Well damn.

[Music]

[Music]

there's my man...

Out here working all hard and stuff.

I see you, baby.

[Laughter]

Oh.

Brought you some, uh, lemonade.

[Drink Splashes in Bushes]

[Laughter]

[Drawn Out] Ok.

Uh...

So babe, I was thinking that uh, we could rent an RV and just...

Do a family vacation, you know?

Hop on the road, just go wherever it takes us.

[Laughter]

Or not.

[Laughter]

Ok.

Hmm.

Tony, come on, its been three days.

How long are you gonna stay mad at me?

Devin, will you tell your mother that forever will be too soon?

But...

Ok, Tony, listen...

Don't you think that you're being a little dramatic?

Ebony, will you tell your mother that if the shoe was on the other foot...

And I was the one that forgot our anniversary, there would be Hell to pay?

It was a mistake, Tony.

Do you think I did it on purpose?

It wasn't like I did it on purpose.

That's what you're acting like.

Yeah, its not like she joined the PTA on purpose.

Yeah, its not like when she actively ruined our social life on purpose.

Ok. Alright.

You two will be very happy to know that as of yesterday, I officially retired from the PTA.

There is a God!

That is so great!

Oh come on, it wasn't that bad.

[Mocking Sound]

Devin, will you tell your mother I said [Mocking Sound Again]?

Uh, Mom, Dad said [Repeating Mocking Sound].

Ok, I heard him.

Look, I did actually really love being a part of the PTA, but...

I don't know, I need to focus on my family right here.

So you really quit?

Yeah, it was a lot.

They wanted to meet every day.

Don't they have a life?

I don't know if they do, but I do, and I've got to go bet on some fights.

Cause you know, I don't have to watch Hood Star anymore.

I've got that live action.

You know, hit em with a left.

Hit em with a right.

[Laughter]

I'm gonna be out.

[Inaudible]

I can't wait to tell my friends I'm cool again.

Come on, Tony.

I know you're upset.

I would be, too.

I really would, but...

Can't stand it when you're mad at me.

Lets call a truce.

Alright, whatever.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

How about we celebrate our anniversary tonight?

We can go to that drive-in theater we saw a few months back?

Oh, you remember that?

Of course!

Yeah!

We could make out like we're teenagers again.

Ok, I'm with that.

And, I'll put on my high school cheerleading uniform again.

Well I'm definitely with that.

As long as I get to play with them pom-poms.

[Laughter]

I love you!

I love you, too.

[Kissing]

You know you is wrong, that's why that dress so short.

Maybe.

[Laughter]

[Music]

Oh, this is a really nice way to end our anniversary.

That's because you keep winning.

But, the way you playing this game, looks like I'm about to dethrone the reigning champ.

I don't know.

I'm just too good.

15, baby.

Gah!

No, nah that's fine. That's fine.

You still got a long way to go.

Me, I still need the dub, and don't neither one of these here fit.

-Uh... Yeah, keep drawing... -I'm gonna get one here...

Keep drawing. That's cool.

Draw again? Oh!

Hello! What is that? Dub stack!

[Laughter]

That's 20.

New winner.

New leader.

And you know what to do.

Go on.

Oh oh oh. Go on.

Tony, Tony, he's our man... What?

If he can't do it... What?

-Nobody can! -That's right!

[Kissing]

Happy anniversary, baby.

I like the way you shake them pom-poms.

You know, you can shake them later...

Hello! The champ is here!

[High Fiving] Yes, sir!

Oh, what's he all excited about?

Oh, he finally beat me in dominoes.

You mean you let him when?

Well, you know... A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

Then why do you have that cheerleading outfit on?

Hey now, now that's grown folks business.

[Music]