Original subtitles

[MUSIC]

You know Lisa, I was thinking...

since I'm the boss of my own business, I won't fire myself if I go into work late today.

Tony, I'm already dressed, and I'm not getting back into that bed.

[CHUCKLES] No, I'm talking about having a nice sit-down breakfast

just you and me without the kids.

Aww, that's sweet. But I can't. I have a doctor's appointment.

Everything alright? What's up?

My cholesterol, apparently. Needs me to come in for a follow-up.

So I guess sitting down and having red velvet pancakes

with cream cheese and cheese grits is out of the question?

Yeah. The only question now is am I gonna take the medication or not?

If you can have double egg, double sausage, omelets and then just pop a

pill afterwards, I don't see the downside.

But we don't know the side effects. What if I grow another head?

You'd be able to have this conversation with yourself.

Tony, I'm-I'm-I'm serious actually.

Okay, I'm serious too. Look, if she said you need medication, then maybe you need medication.

There is... another option. They said if I make some lifestyle changes

you know, I could probably just get my cholesterol down myself.

What kind of lifestyle changes we talkin' about?

Uh, guess I have to change my diet.

Take out red meat, carbs, sugar...

Man, what are you supposed to eat, hay?

I don't know, I gotta do what I gotta do. Can't have a heart attack.

I think I need to hire a personal trainer.

What do you need a personal trainer for when you got me?

I told you I could be late for work.

No need for a treadmill when we can get on this bedmill.

[THEME SONG] * Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors won't let me be *

* The kid's keep talkin' back to me *

* Family Time, Family Time, Family Time *

* Family Time

Aww yeah, stretchin' towards them toes.

- I touch my toes? - All the day down now.

I know you can stretch farther than that.

Yeah, that's good.

Uh huh. You feel that in them thighs?

Uh, you now I think I actually feel it more in my glutes.

[LAUGH] Good, good. Yeah.

That means it's workin'. Five mo' second.

Okay.

Uh, Lisa, what the hell is going on here?

- Oh! - Who the hell is Buff-Daddy?

[CHUCKLES] The name is Andre.

Oh yeah. Yeah, Andre, Andre's gonna be my trainer, baby.

Yeah, that's right. I'ma get that body tight.

Oh-ho...

You-you gonna get that body tight, Andre?

Yeah. Alright, Lisa, now uh,

- go ahead and flip over on your stomach. - Oh, okay.

[GRUNTING]

All I gotta do is straddle her like this-

Oh no hell no, hell no brother!

About how long you been trainin' people?

Well, actually Lisa's my first client.

But uh, I trained myself, if that counts.

Uh no it does not. Now you got about 30 seconds to get up off my property.

But, Tony!

It's, it's alright Lisa.

I mean I'm actually gonna have to side with Tony on this one.

'Cause if I came home and saw my wife

bein' stretched out by a guy like me...

Oh-ho-ho baby, it wouldn't be pretty.

Yeah that's right.

If you don't get your ol' big Cam Newton chin lookin' ass up outa my house-

- Tony! - No, no, no, no. It's cool, it's cool.

Here go my card, brother.

Just in case you ever need a personal trainer.

You know you kinda lookin' like you gettin' a little heavy in there.

Thick Ross, huh!

Woah, woah, woah, okay! You ain't goin' through my house.

Now take your big extra-on-a-slave movie lookin' ass around the side.

Really? Rea- what's that? Wha-?

Tony, why would you do something like that?

What? Whaaat?

I told you I was getting a trainer!

You said it was a good idea.

Yeah, I-I-it was a good idea. If you get a female trainer.

That's sexist.

Now I'm appalled. I'm appalled that you didn't hire a female trainer in the first place.

This is not a women's rights issue, okay?

This is a you not supporting me issue. That's what it is.

I, no, I support you getting a female trainer. Or a male

trainer that's blind and ain't got no hands.

- Look now let's just change the subject, okay? - Yes.

Donnie wants to come over for dinner and he's bringing a new

female friend he wants us to meet.

Aw, no, I'm not tryin' to meet some floozy Donnie met on the internet.

- And I wasn't plannin' on cooking. - Oh no, she's cooking.

Come on, you know we the only family that boy got.

Yeah, can't we be the kind of family he only sees at

weddings and funerals?

Alright let's go on inside.

- Let me make sure this fool ain't around the side. - Come on, Tony!

[MUSIC]

Alright, this food was delicious.

What I tell you man, can she cook?

I'm so glad you guys enjoyed the food. Yeah.

Lisa you, but you-you did not like, or?

Oh! Oh no, I, I would have liked it, but I'm just

I'm watching my cholesterol.

Wait, how did you guys meet?

Uh, so we at the DMV, and Maria was getting her license.

Donnie was getting his off of suspension...

Yeah, yeah, and uh, I got the digits.

Well he actually heard me give them to the lady at the counter.

But, he's still so cute!

Isn't that romantic? Isn't that the best story you guys ever heard?

So romantic! They should make that into a movie.

Mm-mm, no, a TV show called "Donnie and Maria".

[STIFLED LAUGH]

Mm, I don't think so man. It's not really catchy, it'd never work.

I was so glad that I am here to break of the bread of you.

Yes, he tells me all the time how important you two are to him.

Yeah, he's a good friend.

I'm glad you guys are getting a long man, everybody's happy.

I'm really excited because we got some good news, man.

[MUSIC]

You-you guys are getting married?

Yeah man, jumpin' the broom, gettin' hitched, the whole nine dog.

Yeah, well let-let me be the first to offer my congratulations. That's...

that's, ah, so, ah so how did Donnie propose?

I didn't even have to. Yeah, she proposed to me.

You know? You know the ladies love me. LL Cool D.

Ladies love Cool Donnie.

How many ladies love Cool Donnie?

Oh, just you baby! Just you.

So did y'all set a date yet?

Sí, este Viernes.

Eh, wait, uh, my Spanish is a little rusty, uh, is that this Friday?

Sí, yeah, este Viernes. Friday at the courthouse.

We want you guys to be the witnesses.

Ah man, I'm from the hood brah, I ain't nobody's witness.

Don't listen to him. Okay? We will definitely be your witnesses.

I can help you with the dishes?

You better go help with that yellow dress, shine on 'em baby!

- Can I talk to you over there real quick? - Can't we just talk over here?

Come, bring your ass over.

What's up? She fine, right?

Yeah, she bad. Listen. Are you out of your mind?

- What're you talkin' about? - What? You just met this girl, and you're getting married?

Oh, that? Ah, man, that's just for her green card. I didn't tell you over there?

Yeah man, but keep that.

Keep that on the low, right there underneath. Huh?

Hold on, wai- you can't marry a girl just for her green card.

- Why not? - Uh, for starters, it's illegal.

For starters, she's giving me ten grand.

- Pesos or dollars? - Dollars, Ton'.

Ducats. Shillings. Cha-ching! All of that. Plus...

I think I'm in love with her.

You think you're in love with her?

Yeah man, I can't be for sure until I hit it.

And I do wanna hit it. But...

I don't know man, I just think after we get the green card and...

she's spent some time with me, I just... wonder if she want to stay married.

That is a terrible plan.

Well worst case scenario, I still got 10 grand.

Worst case scenario, you'll get ten years.

Man do you know how many cigarettes I could buy with 10 grand?

I could buy the top bunk for 10 grand.

[MUSIC]

And my husband was so jealous of the trainer!

- Don't you hate that? - Oh! I was embarrassed.

I'm sure, I'm sure. Well listen,

Let me just do one last little survey, can you stand up for me?

Oh, sure.

Exactly, spin around. Let me just look.

- Let me see what we got goin' on. - Oh, okay, I just...

- Spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin. - Alright, okay.

- Alright. - Was that good? - Yeah.

A little crinkly, but it's okay. It's okay, we're gonna fix it.

And I'll tell you what we're gonna do to fix it.

First we're gonna do your nutritional plan.

Because I really think that's gonna get your cholesterol in check.

Then we can slide into the fitness stuff.

That's, that's great. Because to be honest, I haven't worked out in months.

- I could tell. - Really?

Yeah, but that's okay. Because what we're gonna do when we get to the fitness part

is we're gonna have fun. And we're gonna keep it nice and light. A little walking

little stretching, some yoga, some dance.

- Keep it hot, right? - Right.

Hey, uh, do you think the uh, the dancing will help my, my butt?

Um, I'm a trainer. Not a miracle worker.

[MUSIC]

[SNORING]

[DOOR OPENS]

- Lisa! - Oh! Where's my pistol?

It's 6 a.m. and it's time for you to get your ass up!

I thought we was meeting at 10 Tracy.

Yeah well I thought you was serious about getting in shape.

* I don't know if you've been told, but Tracy's here and it's time to roll! *

Let's go! You got 4 minutes and 30 seconds to get your ass

in gear and get downstairs!

And next time, make sure you lock the door.

Don't look at me, she look like she could beat my ass.

You heard him! Don't make me beat that ass!

- Let's go! - Okay.

- Let's go, let's go, let's go! - Okay.

- I'm going. - Come on, come on! Knees up, knees up, knees up!

Go, go, go!

I think I, I gotta get my sports bra!

They didn't have sports bras in Africa, and they ran for miles. Let's go!

Let's go!

- Hide me Tony! - What's up? - Hide me!

- Hide you from who? - Tracy.

Oh no, no, no. Come on now. You wanted me to be your support system.

Thought you wanted me to hold you accountable.

[OUT OF BREATH] No! That was before I met her Tony.

She got me doin' wind sprints. I can't breathe!

I can't breathe! Wind sprints, lunges,

sit ups, lunges! I can't, I- [GASPING]

I can't do no more lunges Tony I can't do no more lunges!

You-you can quit if you want to.

But then you have to go on that medication.

Okay, you're right. You're right. I'm not, I'm not gonna quit.

I'm not gonna quit. I'm not gonna quit.

- Just give me a little bite of that pancake. - Hell no!

- Come on now. - Please, Tony!

Now what kind of support system would I be if I gave you some of these delicious

buttery... mm! Damn, they good!

Like I can't give you none of this, baby. That would be wrong, that would be wrong of me.

- Okay. - [TRACY] Last 3 miles, Lisa!

Oh my god, I gotta get my breath back. In the mancave, in the mancave!

[TRACY LAUGHING]

- Where's she at? - She in the mancave.

- Ooh, 4 inch pancake, 85 calories. - Mm-hmm.

- 2000 left. I'll save you some. - Okay. Lisa!

You can run, but with all that ass, you can't hide!

I trusted you Tony!

I'm doin' this for you baby!

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Ah, ooh! Pancakes! Let me get in on that.

Go ahead. Here, man.

What's up young player? Man, how's the uh, wedding plans going?

Ah you mean ex-player. Yeah man, you know what? The green

card marriage ain't as easy as I thought. They not just handin' 'em out.

- How so? - Well, you know, they wanna send somebody out to do a

"interview" to make sure that my marriage is "real".

And all of that stuff. You know, it's like they don't trust a brothah.

Hey man, if it's part of the process, it's part of the process.

Yeah, yeah. So uh, they'll be here tomorrow around 3.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean here?

Oh yeah man, they wanted to come at noon, but I was like that's way too early.

You know, people got a job. You can't just pop up at noon.

- No. - Come on, Ton'.

It's just for the interview. I just want to use the house for

the interview, man. I can't take her to my apartment.

- I ain't even got a bedroom. - No, you are on your own on this one, bro.

What am I supposed to do?

Send her back to Mexico, and you go with her.

Mexico?

She's Canadian, Tony. You don't think there's any Hispanic people in Canada?

Her family's from Toronto!

Lisa wouldn't go for it.

What type of marriage are you in brother? Who's wearin' the pants

is what I want to know. I can't wait to get married to show you how it's supposed to go.

- Brah. - Hmm? - No.

I guess you don't want to be cut in on this 10 grand.

- How big of a cut? - Oh, you know, I could deal you in for about 20%

You owe me more than that already.

- Alright, 40. - Deal.

40 pesos.

[TONY] Your interview is tomorrow.

And they gonna ask you some pretty personal questions, so you gotta be on the same page.

Okay? Alright. For example.

- Have you consummated the relationship yet?

- Yes. - No.

Now by consummate, what do you mean exactly?

- Are you two sleeping together? - Yes! - No.

See? Right there. You would've failed the interview. Y'all gotta be on the same page.

- So I say we get married Friday afternoon. - Mm-hmm.

Friday night, we seal the deal.

Okay, so, your official story is

you'll consummate on Friday. Good. Alright, next question.

- How'd you two meet? - I told you Ton' at the DMV the other day.

Not for me, for the interview!

- Oh,okay, uh, well in that case... we met in Paris. - What?

- How could you meet in Paris? You don't even have a passport. - No.

- Paris hotel, Ton'! Use your imagination. - Yes, in Vegas!

I was visiting my cousin. We went to a show!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Siegfried and Roy! - Yes!

And the tiger start eatin' everybody, right?

And then, I use my instinct to save Maria.

It was a gruesome scene. Damn shame what happened to her cousin.

But I could only save Maria. And then we got close at her cousin's funeral.

Perfecto! Yes. God bless Rosalinda's soul.

Okay, I think we could simplify that and just say you met in Vegas.

Okay cool. And if they axe us anymore, I'll say "hey man

- whatever happens in Vegas... - Stays in Vegas.

- Yeah! See man? We already finishing each others' - Sentences!

We gonna be serving a jail sentence if y'all don't get his right.

Alright, okay. N-n-next question. Uh, how long have you been together?

- Three years. - Uh, three days.

[DOORBELL]

Hello. I'm Vincent Jenkins with the INS.

Hey, we're the soon-to-be McDonald's, and I'm Donnie.

And I'm his soon-to-be wife, Maria.

Donnie and Maria. That's cute.

- May I come in? - Yeah, come on in man. Uh...

have a seat right here, on our couch. Where all of our guests sit.

Isn't that right, honey?

Yes, we love having guests in our home.

And you are?

'Sup. Ton'.

And how are you related to the soon-to-be couple?

- Uhh... - He's our butler.

Your wha- I'm your what?

Our 40%. He's our butler, you know.

Would you mind getting me a bottle of water, please?

- How 'bout an ass-whuppin'? - Go get the water, Ton'.

[THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] Get you ass over...

It's so hard to find good help these days.

- Question. - Mm-hmm?

Why do you have pictures of your butler all over the house?

They sho' is all around the house. Uh...

You know what? Explanation.

See he has mental issues. So what we like to do is, let him

surround himself with familiar faces, so he doesn't go postal on us.

- You know what I'm talkin' about, Mr. Jenkins? - No.

Not really. So, what do you two do for a living?

Well, I'm a hustler. You know. I slang everythang from Frisco to Maine.

So you work in Maine. That's close to Canada. Is that where the two of you met?

Uh, no, no. Not exactly.

Yeah, it's a long story, uh, y-uh-a tiger ate her cousin.

Mm-hmm. At a show.

- I'm not sure I follow. - Here's your water.

[GASPING]

[TRACY] 85 miles is practice Lisa! We not done!

I'm runnin' that ass in the ground!

Let me get you another water.

Not that it's any of my business, but um... who was that?

Umm, uh, honey, you want to help me on this one?

- Neighbors. - Mm-hmm.

Why is one of those neighbors in all of these pictures with your butler?

Um... that is his ex-wife.

Right? See they got married, she kicked him to the curb

and that's how he end up stayin' here workin' for us.

So, your-your butler, and your neighbor-

Look man, I know it's crazy, okay brother? But this is the new normal.

Alright? Any other questions you have?

You know what Mr. McDonald? It's not crazy at all.

See, when most people try to trick the system with a fake marriage

they try to set up this well-orchestrated, picture-perfect scene.

And this is as far from picture-perfect as I ever seen.

So... what does that mean?

I'm gonna submit in my report as this being a real marriage.

I don't have much faith in your union...

I'll give it a year. But it's a real marriage.

Thank you man. Thank you so much!

- Have a nice life. Wow. - You too, man!

Okay. Pleasure.

- Yeah. - Alright.

[TONY] Now I didn't think you'd pull it off man, but you did it man.

Hey, I didn't either Ton'. It's crazy man, I guess

Donnie and Maria make a better team than I thought.

Yeah, I mean, I guess you're right. And you know what?

You have earned this fair and square.

- 10 grand. - Where's your accent?

- I'm from Canada. - Alright.

Look uh, I can't accept this.

Say what?

The more I think about it, I mean, it's blossomed into

something more than I thought, and

I got feelings for you like, I-I wanna stay married.

Donnie... I really like you too.

But...

There's somebody else.

- You been cheatin' on me? - No!

I've been dating my boyfriend for the past 8 years.

So I'm your dirty little side piece, huh?

I got a idea. Why don't you leave him for me? What does he have that I ain't got?

Well first, there's a deep bond. A cultural heritage.

Oh, what is he, one of those big buff Latin brothers?

[KNOCKING] Not quite.

Actually, that should be him right now. I wanted you to meet him.

Donnie... meet Reggie.

[JAMAICAN ACCENT] How's it goin' mon?

Thank you so much for helpin' my girl get her green card.

Wait a minute, you're datin' a Jamaican?

I thought you said y'all shared a cultural heritage.

He's from Canada too.

Ya mon! There's more of us Jamaican in

Canada now than in Jamaica.

Me family's from Vancouver, you know?

We love bobsledding, mon.

Butler, will you escort these people out of my house?

Call me butler one more time, Donnie.

Listen mon, my fake green card marriage is this Saturday.

I would love for you to come and be a witness.

Alright, alright babe. Well...

Thanks again Donnie. For everything.

I'll see you at our wedding? Friday?

- Come on babe. - Nice meetin' you mon.

Yeah I wish the tiger would'a ate you instead of your cousin!

Tough break Donnie, but at least you still got that 10 grand.

Yeah... I guess I better cash it before I do this.

Do what?

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah, Mr. Jenkins? Yeah, hey how you doin' man, it's Donnie, you just left my house.

Hey look, the marriage is off man. Don't issue no license or nothin'.

And as a matter of fact, I got a hot tip

On another green card marriage goin' down on Saturday, alright?

Deport both they ass back to Canada! Huh? Yeah.

Alright. This don't blow back on me, does it?

Alright, cool, thanks.

- You a cold piece of work. - Yeah, and I got $10,000 man.

What do you say we go spend it?

- Alright, let's do that. - Wha-oh, wait.

I got student loans, I owe you 5,000...

Let's just hit the Rib Shack. You payin', right?

[TONY] Ooh! I can't wait to get a full 8 hours of sleep

tonight! Oh, that's right. She-Hulk gonna be here at 6 in the morning to

- train you, huh? - As a matter of fact, she will not.

What? You quit already? Lisa, I am so disappointed in you.

Whatever. Make me those pancakes in the morning.

What about your cholesterol?

You know I can train myself. I bought a DVD, you know we could do 30 minutes in the morning.

We? Can't I just take them pills?

- Tony, really? - Alright, alright.

How about we just increase the bedmill time?

- Put it on maximum speed? - Pssh!

Forget cardio, I think you need to focus on getting that weight up.

Baby, the weight is up.

[MUSIC]