Original subtitles

( sighs )

( winces )

Stupid.

( yawns )

( sighs )

Well, wasn't that a splendid trip?!

- Shh! - Shh!

Golly jeez, Vivian.

My head is splitting open.

Know what you mean. I feel like my brain is swelling up.

Oh, so it's finally the size

of a normal human brain now?

This comin' from a woman who thought

"How to Get Away with Murder" was gonna teach you how.

Hey, man, speaking of murder,

ain't we missing somebody?

Mm, my brother. Todd's still at the craps tables.

If he doesn't come home in the next few days,

I might start thinking he has a gambling problem.

Oh, Vivian, lower your voice, please.

Girl, why aren't you hung over?

I stayed hydrated.

It's the most important thing you can do.

I'm also not hung over.

You're not hung over, Donnie?

Nah, I'm still drunk.

- ( gags, vomits ) - Ohh!

* Woke up, and my wife said to me *

* "The bill collectors want their piece" *

* Kids keep talking back to me *

* Family time

* Family time, family time, family time. *

Whew.

Eh, I guess what happens in Vegas

really does stay in Vegas, like Todd.

Must have been one hell of a night.

( slurps )

I don't remember anything from Vegas.

Oh, all I remember was that--

that cocktail waitress that was Vivian's friend.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

She kept giving us free drinks.

Right. That's why we were so drunk.

How did you know her?

I told you,

the Nevada State Correctional Facility for Women.

Oh, that's right.

We found out she did six months in prison.

For what?

Fiduciary misbehavior

that involved electronic misappropriation of funds.

Credit card fraud?

Tomatoes, tomahtoes.

No offense, Vivian,

but I just don't see you as the prison type.

Well, neither did the other inmates,

which is why I was forced to do unspeakable things

on my first day just to command their respect.

They called me "She-Shank," but I digress.

Honestly, I'm way more afraid of Vivian now...

and a lot more attracted to her.

Didn't something happen to Lori?

Aw, man.

So she met some guy at a casino, right?

I'm thinkin' he was a sheik or somethin',

'cause, honey, he took me shoppin' at the outlet mall.

The outlet malls. Whoo!

Making it rain. Giving you FUBU. ( laughs )

Y'all just gettin' a real giggle out of this.

I'm confused. Are y'all jealous

'cause my man treated me like a queen?

Your man?

Boo, that was Vegas.

You ain't gonna never see him again.

And what about the ceremony? I mean, this whole Vegas trip

was so that Lisa and I can renew our vows,

and I don't even remember that.

All I remember is us all being in a chapel.

Hmm.

( slurps )

I remember a minister.

Oh, wait, or was that Elvis?

Both.

No, I remember somebody kissing.

I just found a photo album

from the Vegas Hitch and Ditch Wedding Chapel.

I don't remember, but at least I have pictures.

Okay, okay. Let's see.

Oh, my God!

- What's wrong with you? - No!

Whose weave is on fire?

W-what happened?

No! Donnie, what did you do?!

Donnie, I think you and Rachel got married.

Now I remember. I bought you guys wedding rings.

It was my credit card this time.

No.

Well, congratulations, you guys.

Mazel tov.

- ( sobs ) - ( clapping )

Shut up, She-Shank.

Now, I know I was drunk, but I couldn't have

possibly been drunk enough to marry Donnie.

Heh. I hope we got drunk enough

to consummate the marriage.

It ain't that much liquor in the world.

Here's the marriage license.

Tony and I signed as your witnesses.

Simple mistake. The minister was already there

to renew Tony and Lisa's vows.

Okay, okay. No big deal.

No big deal, all right.

We just accidentally got married.

I'm sure this thing happens all the time in Vegas, right?

We'll just-- we'll just get it annulled.

Absolutely not.

Not how I was raised.

No divorce. No annulment. Marriage is for life.

( laughs )

You can't possibly think

this marriage is gonna work, Donnie.

Why not, baby? You know, I'll provide for us...

once I get a job.

But, I mean, until then,

you know, you could provide for us.

( laughing )

Did you forget, little detail,

that I-- ahem-- I like women?

Did you forget the little detail that I do, too?

We got so much in common!

The man has a point.

Where are you goin'?

To tell my mama her baby boy got married.

We're not married!

Don't you call that woman!

Girl, I just can't believe

Rachel married worse than you.

I can't believe you married--

oh, that's right. You're not married.

( laughing )

My husband Todd is gambling our life savings away.

I'm sorry. I know that wasn't part of our conversation,

but it's just where my mind was.

I'll show myself out.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go, too.

I've got a date.

With your baller boyfriend?

Oh, yes, baby-doll.

Hey, I remember my man.

Tall, light-skinned, green eyes, rich, yes.

Um, baby, I'm kind of bummed

that we didn't renew our vows.

Well, at least we had

a fun Vegas trip out of it.

Vegas is more for you.

You weren't saying that at the blackjack table.

- I didn't play blackjack. - Yeah, well,

I played enough for the both of us.

By the way, we might not be able to send Devin to college.

We've already been through the fact that he ain't goin' anyway.

Okay, you know what?

- Ohh! Ow! - Oh. Uh-oh.

- What's wrong? - Ohh.

- Mm. Hangover. - You okay, baby?

Kneeled down too fast. I'm good. I'm good.

( clears throat )

Lisa Stallworth,

will you make me a very happy man

and renew our vows this weekend?

No trip this time.

I'll hire a pastor to do it in the backyard.

( chuckles ) Yes, Tony.

- Mm. - Yes, yes,

a thousand times yes.

All right, now help me up.

- You know, I-- - Uh-oh. Okay.

Yeah. You know I got knees like Derrick Rose.

Now, Tone, I'm a bit confused.

I thought you and Lisa were already married.

Come on, man. We're not getting married again.

We're just renewing our vows.

What's the point? You already did it once.

Because it's romantic.

Oh, he lookin' for romance.

All you gotta do is you do some of that stinky cheese, hmm,

some cheap wine,

and then you get it crackin'.

That's what I do.

But I don't need no help gettin' it crackin', bro.

I just need help writin' my vows.

Ooh ooh! What up?!

Stop everythin', fellas.

Ain't nothin' important right now except for me, man.

- I got some big news. - Donnie, Donnie,

you do not have to make an announcement

every time the McRib comes back.

This ain't about the McRib, man.

I'm a married man, brothers.

Oh, okay. Okay, what--

Hold up. Wait a minute, Donnie.

You got married, and your boy didn't get an invite?

Ah, because there wasn't a real weddin'.

Oh.

Hey, Tony, you better stop with all that

"it wasn't a real weddin'" nonsense, man.

It's on paper. It's real.

So who's the unlucky lady?

Hah. Glad you asked.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Mrs. Donnie.

( entry bell chimes )

( gasps )

Wait a-- ( laughs )

You married Rachel.

That means--

ha ha! Wait a minute.

Donnie is your brother-in-law.

Ah, don't remind me.

Listen, Donnie, the only reason I'm here

is to get you to sign these annulment papers.

Uh-uh. Can't do it.

Marriage is for life.

You are my wife for life.

But we didn't even consummate the marriage.

Heh. Yes, we did.

Hah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How--

how do you know we did if you don't remember?

How do you know we didn't if you don't remember?

And the tie goes to the runner. Can I get some?

Donnie, this is very important.

Did you, or did you not?

- Yes, I did. - No, he didn't.

Well, hold on. This is an easy fix.

Just consummate again.

I'm game.

( scoffs ) I'm goin' back to the lawyer.

But, baby, wait! No--

one second.

Hey, baby, wait now!

If we gotta bring other women

into this marriage to make this work,

that's a sacrifice I'm willin' to make!

I'm a team player...

from the Himalayas!

( laughs )

You know what's weird?

I was the one who originally pushed for this vow renewal,

and now I'm havin' a hard time writin' mine.

What's weird about that?

How can anyone be expected to write nice things about Tony?

Oh, Lori, I just love your new scarf.

( laughs ) This old thing?

Oh, no, that is no old thing.

Isn't that the scarf we saw a couple weeks ago

and you said you wanted, but it was out of your budget?

Well, a couple of weeks ago, it was,

but not now.

Oh, don't tell me your little baller got it for you.

Honey, if I have to tell,

you don't need to know.

Okay.

( women chuckling )

What you guys up to?

Not much.

Now, Aunt Viv,

is it true that you went to prison?

Is that why you got on all them stripes?

Did you shank anybody?

Okay, now, kids, what did I tell you two

about asking rude questions?

No, no, no, it's all right.

The children are just curious.

Yes, I did go to prison for doing a bad thing.

Now who wants to see my prison tattoo?

Ooh, me.

I normally cover it up with tattoo makeup,

- but there it is. - Ooh, Viv.

You have a prison tattoo.

Four.

Well, Todd loves it.

It makes him feel like he married a bad girl.

Hmm. Teardrops. Aren't those supposed to be

- under your eyes? - yeah.

Well, not on this gorgeous face.

- I think not. - Okay, kids.

That's enough. Go do your homework.

But we want to hear stories from the Big House.

Lisa, allow me.

( chuckles ) Sweet children.

Homework now!

Sorry, Aunt Viv!

I think they're more afraid of you

than they are of me.

If you had to do what I did to survive

in the slammer, you'd be scared of me, too.

Okay, how 'bout we move on?

Lisa, read to us what you've written.

Oh, okay.

"Tony, there are no words."

And...?

And that's it. There are no words.

I mean, all this vow writing's

got me thinkin' that maybe I don't even know Tony.

Well, Lisa, keep it simple.

Just put what's in your heart on paper.

Yeah, but I keep coming to a blank.

So, I mean, what does that mean?

Am I sleeping next to a stranger?

Do I even love him,

or am I just with him out of convenience?

Convenience? I thought

you were with him out of pity.

Lori.

I say it with love.

Well, can I least get an estimated time of arrival?

No? Damn it.

I mean, darn it. Sorry, Pastor.

( sighs )

Ooh, all right, all right. ( laughs )

All right, all right. Mm! ( laughs )

Thank you, baby.

Um, everything okay?

Oh, yeah. The pastor's runnin' late,

and my parents aren't gonna be able to make it.

They gotta go to Vegas and bail Todd out again.

- What-- - But don't worry.

This is our day. Everything is gonna be perfect.

- ( groans ) - Mm-hmm. Mm.

Now, I wrote some pretty awesome vows,

if I do say so myself.

( chuckles ) You gonna love 'em.

How'd yours come out?

Uh, great.

They came out really great. I think you'll love 'em.

Nice. So is there anything I can help you with?

No, everything is pretty much taken care of.

The kids have been a really great help.

You talking about our kids?

How'd you get our kids to help?

Would you like a "horse d'ver"?

It's pronounced hors d'oeuvres, dummy.

Hey! No arguing in front of the guests.

Let's move it. Keep going down the chow line.

Let's go.

Hmm. Wow.

Tony: I see.

Ah, aha.

So this is the place, huh, baby?

I likes. I likes.

Hey, baby, where's that crapper at?

Ahem. It's right there, through there.

- Excuse me one. - Um...

who is that?

That is my date Mac.

Your date? Where on planet Earth did you meet him?

I met him in Vegas.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Is that that baller that we've been hearing about all--

Yes, I must say he is. Ahem.

He doesn't look like much of a baller to me.

Well, you can't judge a baller by its cover...

- Hoo, Lord! - Lisa.

Hey, look here. Don't nobody go in there

for about 25, 35,

45 minute.

And you're out of toilet tissue.

Hey, how y'all doing? I'm--

Mac?! ( gasps )

Is that you, Bambi?

- Bambi?! - What the...?

Well, before I went by Vivian,

I went by Bambi. Everybody has a nickname.

I thought your nickname was She-Shank.

Well, that was strictly on the cellblock.

Mac, I haven't seen you in forever.

- Mm. - Bring it in.

- Baby, you-- ehh! - Bring it in.

- What the...? - Oh, wait a minute.

That's enough bringing it in.

Now how on Earth do the two of you know each other, anyway?

Well, Mac and I worked together

in the credit business back in the day.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, funny story.

Oh, Bambi-- I mean, Vivian--

y'all gonna love this one.

It was actually my statement

that got her put away and me the deal.

Wasn't no sense the both of us goin' away.

- Ha ha! - ( laughs )

- That is a funny story. - Oh, Lord.

I was wondering who dropped dime on me.

I'm a hustler, baby.

Look, Jay Z,

you tryin' to tell me all this ballin' me out

and buyin' me things--

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on now.

I had some sucker's credit card.

I still live with my mama.

Matter of fact, I'm gonna need that scarf back.

You mean you had the nerve to hustle me?

Look, everybody gets hustled.

Preachers, pastors, doctors, you name it, they all hustlers.

I just happen to be good.

You ain't that good.

Hey! What's up, everybody?

Who's Colonel Mustard?

Friend of the family, baby.

Nice to meet you. Anybody seen my wife?

I think she went to get something out of the kitchen.

Cool.

So, Mac, was it?

You got any more of them Bambi stories you can tell us?

Oh, there you are.

Yep, here I am. 'Cause a few minutes ago,

I remembered that I was married to you,

and immediately I needed a drink.

Hah hah! Always with the jokes.

Reminds me why I married you in the first place.

( sighs ) What do you want, Donnie?

Is that any way to talk

to your soon-to-be ex-husband?

What?

Yeah, I actually decided

to sign the annulment papers.

What made you change your mind?

I've done some pretty desperate things

in the past to get girls.

Heh. One time, I actually adopted a kid

just so I could meet single moms.

You should have saw the look on Tiberius' face

when I took him back to the orphanage Monday mornin'.

He was like...

Can you get to the point, please?

Look, what I'm sayin' is I'm not desperate enough

to force somebody to marry me against their will.

Even though I would have been a great husband to you.

Oh, and for the record,

I can't confirm this, but in my mind,

we made them bedsprings sing.

And then I was like, "Damn, Bambi,

you ran her over with your car."

She was the one that ran under my car, like...

Mac: Well, you were gangster, kid.

Now, does Todd know about any of this?

Oh, how do you think we met?

Oh, he was one of the jurors on my trial,

and he voted guilty, and he felt bad about it,

so he kept putting money on my books.

- Yeah, he was a blessing. - It was so sweet of him.

- Ahh. Well... - ( phone rings )

That is crazy. Oh! Oh, hey.

Hello. Yes.

No. No. No, no, no.

You can't do that to us. We--

Pastor canceled.

Guess we're not gonna get our vows renewed.

Oh.

Well, that's all right, baby.

We can do this without a pastor.

I just wanted it to be done right, Tony.

And between this and the whole Vegas fiasco,

I don't know. Maybe it's a sign we shouldn't do this.

See-- oh.

Y'all need to start lockin' this door. You know what?

I'm gonna pop in here one day and rob y'all

just to keep y'all on y'all toes.

Now can we get this whole thing under way?

'Cause I got a domino tournament at 11:00.

Not now, Rodney.

The pastor just called and canceled.

Oh. Y'all need a pastor?

( Rodney laughs )

Old Rodney is a licensed minister.

You are?

Yes, I am.

I was at the crib one day, you know,

watching the TV pastors,

one of them dudes,

Creflo Jakes, T.D. Dollar, one of them,

and I said to myself,

"Heh. Hell, Rodney.

You can do that."

So I went online.

Boop boop, bobbity bip bop.

( snaps fingers ) Bam! I'm ordained.

All right, baby, let's do it.

- Let's do this. - ( organ playing )

Dearly beloved,

we're gathered here today

not to join these two in holy matrimony,

for they are already joined in that sense.

- ( murmuring ) - Amen.

But we are here as friends and family

to watch them take vows

that they have already taken,

vows that, had they decided not to do,

we could be goin' somewhere else,

- you understand? - Praise God.

- Vows that-- that-- - Rodney!

Rodney: My bad.

Which brings us to our vows themselves.

Tony, your vows.

Not the muffin, boy.

( clears throat )

"Lisa, no words can adequately capture

how you complete my life.

You are the wind beneath my wings,

the yin to my yang,

the Hennessy to my juice...

- Ah. Mm-hmm. - Okay.

and I vow to always

be the Kobe to your Shaq."

- Hmm? - Pre-2004, of course.

- Of course. Yes. - Beautiful.

We got chills.

( sniffles ) That was beautiful, Tony.

Ah, heavenly.

Lisa...

your vows.

"Tony, from the moment I saw you,

you had me at 'hello.'

And I said, 'Hello.

Is it me you're lookin' for?'

I knew it was only a matter of time

before you became my endless love.

I let it be very clear,

then made you an offer you couldn't refuse.

Because you need people,

and people who need people

are the luckiest people in the world.

And as you know,

people make the world go round,

so, Tony,

here's lookin' at you.

We'll always have Vegas."

Real quick,

was that just a medley

of movie titles and song lyrics?

You don't want me to answer that, Tony.

No, I want the truth.

You can't handle the truth, Tony!

Hold up.

If Mom can plagiarize her vows,

how come I got in trouble

for plagiarizing my history project?

Boy.

I'm sorry, Tony. I just--

I didn't know what to write.

I mean, you're my husband.

You're the father of my children.

You're my life. You're my entire world.

I really just didn't know

what else I could vow to you.

As long as you vow to keep doin' what you're doin',

it's all right with me.

( chuckles )

Mm. Mm.

- Okay. - Get it there, Tone.

That's love.

Well, now that we've renewed our vows,

how 'bout we re-consummate our marriage?

- Oh, no, no. - Come on.

TMI, Dad. TMI.

That was a great ceremony, Pastor.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

- Right off TV. - Bless you.

You know what, Mac? It was.

How 'bout you walk me to my car?

She-Shank would like

to have a word with you about your testimony.

- Do we have to go? - Yes.

That was a beautiful ceremony.

- It was. - Could have been us, girl.

Uh...

slow down.

You got lucky once, but don't push it.

Actually...

you got lucky twice.

You mean we...?

Yeah. Yeah, my memory came back to me.

You actually did hit it.

I knew it!

Was I any good?

Let's just say...

I won't be switching teams anytime soon.

( chuckles ) Well, girl, you ain't gotta switch teams,

long as you visit once in a while.

I'll keep the light on for you.