Original subtitles

**

Oh, Tony. That is disgusting.

Brushing my teeth is disgusting? You don't wanna see me floss.

You'll be findin' enough meat left over in there

- to feed a small village. - Ew!

Ew? You be ewing? You're the one that cooks. Marinate the meat

a little bit longer, and it wouldn't get stuck in my teeth.

Oh, well, you know, feel free to cook yourself.

You can marinate the meat as long as you'd like.

Bathroom is for brushing.

You're supposed to brush your teeth for, like,

two whole minutes. That's a long time.

When I get bored, I pace around.

Or would you rather I pace around,

or would you rather my teeth rot and fall out?

I have so many gaps in my teeth,

my tongue look like it's in jail.

Oh, gosh. I'd rather you just brush your teeth in the bathroom.

Getting toothpaste all over my carpet.

How would you like it if I-- oh! Uh.

I'd like it if you was making them noises while we was in bed.

Shut up, Tony.

Girl, you've been tripping a lot lately,

and you've been tripping over stuff.

You need glasses?

Glasses are for old people! Are you calling me old?

Old enough not to fall for that one.

The poor placement of this rug is the reason I tripped.

Better not be the poor placement of that rug,

after all the money you made me spend on an interior decorator.

Oh, that interior decorator was extremely reasonably priced.

She's a Feng Shui expert.

How can you be an expert on where things

should be placed around a house?

More like an expert at ripping people off.

Oh, it's a lovely home you have here. Um, let's move that couch

closer to that lamp. That will be $400, please.

Oh, psft! Whatever. I do not need glasses.

Ooh!

Yeah, yeah. I was totally wrong about that.

We need to seeing eye dog, get some knee pads and a helmet.

* Woke up, and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fees *

* The kids keep talking back to me *

* Family Time

* Family Time, Family Time *

* Family Time.

Um, what is all this stuff on my dinner table

that isn't dinner?

Mom is helping me with my school project.

Ebony has to make a family tree.

Shouldn't Ebony be doing her own homework, Lisa?

Hey, why are you hating?

I'm not hating. I just want you to learn.

The school system isn't fair these days, Tony. And besides,

all the other moms are helping their stupid kids,

and that pushes the curve up.

Wait a minute. Did you just call me stupid?

But I'm gonna work harder than all the other moms,

and I'm gonna get an A.

I mean, Ebony's gonna get an A.

Hey, Dad. I was wondering.

Since Mom's doing Ebony's project,

how 'bout you do my math homework?

We're covering probability in class,

and it just don't make no sense.

You asking me to do your homework for you doesn't make any sense.

What are the chances that I'll say yes to that?

Very low, maybe one in 100.

Oh! Now I get probability. Thanks, Dad!

That's what I'm here for, son.

Hey, can I borrow $20?

Probably not.

See that, Lisa? You're supposed to guide

your children, not do their work for them.

All right. I get it. All right. Sorry, baby.

You're on your own.

Thanks a lot, Dad.

But you know what, if you want help with your family tree,

you should ask Aunt Charlotte. She's coming to visit us for a few days,

and she definitely knows more than I do.

Um, rewind that a second. Did you say Aunt Charlotte

is coming to stay with us?

'Cause you didn't run that past me.

Why can't my aunt come to visit us?

I'm not saying she can't. I'd just like to know

what's going on under my roof.

Oh, your roof, is it?

I didn't say all that.

Fine, Tony. I'll just call her and tell her not to come.

No, no, no. That's fine. She can come.

I'm just not gonna be stuck here, entertaining her.

So, you know what? I'll invite my parents over.

She's old, they're old. They'll have old people stuff to talk about.

They were there when the family tree was just a seed.

[ laughter ]

**

So, anybody seen any good movies lately?

Oh, honey. Who can afford it?

Going to the movies is like going to see a Broadway play.

Exactly. You have to save up to go to the movies these days.

You used to be able to get a movie ticket, popcorn

and a soda without taking out a second mortgage.

Of course, that was before the war.

Which war was that, the Civil War?

He wasn't in no damn war.

Woman, being with you is like being a prisoner of war,

except I've got my own room. Ah?

Ooh. So, you two sleep in separate rooms?

Is there any other way?

In the immortal words of the late B.B. King,

the thrill is gone.

Mm, mm.

Okay, we're not trying to hear all that,

but please change the subject, please.

Would anybody like any more coffee?

Oh, no. I'm fine.

No? Nobody want anything? Ooh, oh!

I'm okay, I'm all right. Tony, what did I tell you

about leaving your work boots out?

Oh, I'm sorry, Lisa. You didn't see them, hmm?

Uh, speaking of see, this may be a dumb question,

but I notice you guys are all wearing glasses.

Does that help with vision problems?

Maybe a dumb question? Son, that's about

the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

And what that is, is Tony's passive-aggressive way

of trying to convince me that I need glasses,

which I really don't.

Mm-hmm. You know, Lisa, when I was your age,

I was also in denial about needing glasses,

but once I accepted that I was getting older,

and my body was deteriorating, I got glasses,

so I can watch my body deteriorate.

[ laughter ]

Well, that's really nice. That's so nice. Thank you.

Appreciate that, Aunt Charlotte.

Hey, Grandma. Hey, Grandpa. Hey, Aunt Charlotte.

Hey, Ebony baby. I ain't seen you since you were--

Yeah, since I was this tall.

We all get it. Kids grow up.

Anyways, I need help with my homework.

Uh, and you need to watch your tongue, thank you.

Little Miss Smart Ass over there

is working on a family tree.

I got to Mom and Grandma and got stuck.

Oh, but right off the bat, you can add my mother

or your great-grandma's sister Lydia

and my father Kent.

On our side over here,

you can add my cousin Rufus.

He was from Alabama.

Not that I remember Rufus, but wasn't he from Cleveland?

No. That was my cousin Bernice.

Rufus was from Mooresville, Alabama.

Mooresville? Mm-hmm.

That's funny, 'cause I got a cousin named Rufus from out there.

Oh, really? Well, what was his last name?

Cooper. Rufus Cooper.

That was my Rufus's last name.

No.

But then, he moved away

from Mooresville to Maryland

when he got married to that--

Mm-hmm, that woman with the peg leg!

That's right!

[ screaming ]

Wait, wait, wait a second. Wait a second, giggles.

Uh, if your cousin Rufus is her cousin Rufus,

that, that means that--

That means we're cousins.

That's right! [ laughing ]

This is some good stuff.

Baby, put the pen down. No, no, no, go upstairs,

but leave the evidence.

I'm sure this has got to be some kind of mistake.

Really, there's a lot of people named Rufus Cooper.

Man, with peg legs?

Not in Mooresville. They had a population of about 60.

What is the problem? It just means you're distant cousins.

[ laughter ]

I think I need a drink.

I think I need a double.

[ laughter ]

**

Tony, we're related!

Well, technically we were related since we got married.

No. Come on. you know this is different.

We're cousins.

But maybe not as bad as it sounds.

Tony, what possible upside could there be?

Well, off the top of my head,

if there was a medical emergency,

we'd be perfect donor matches for each other.

Oh, God. Let's face it, Tony. We are freaks.

Uh, no. You're a freak. That's why I married you in the first place.

And this freak will definitely smack you upside your head.

If that smack caused me to bleed out,

that would constitute a medical emergency,

and you'd be a perfect blood donor match.

Oh, here's a fun fact.

Albert Einstein married his own cousin. True story.

Fun fact. You're no Albert Einstein.

Maybe you. You married your own cousin.

Tony, come on. Really, what do we do?

Uh, nothing. There's nothing to do.

We just pretend that this information does not exist,

just like I pretended I didn't see nothing

when I walked into Devin's room without knocking.

What did you see?

Horror.

The horror, Lisa.

We already built a whole life together.

All right? We'll just let sleeping dogs lie.

Agreed. Let's just, just not think about it ever again.

Ever. Ever.

Still thinking about it.

Me, too.

Well, I do know one thing we can do that will take our minds off everything

that we're allowed to do as husband and wife.

Yuck! It felt like you're my brother.

I wouldn't know. I've never kissed my brother.

You know what I mean.

Well, then what do we do?

I don't know. Just read something.

Just read something, take our minds off of everything.

This is probably a good pink book.

Lisa, will you please just admit that you need glasses?

Weak eyes run in your side of the family.

You mean our side of the family.

**

Damn, Lisa. Did you sleep at all?

How could I, Tony? I was up all night,

researching stuff on the Internet.

How many times do I have to tell you

nothing good can ever come from the Internet?

So, if I look up your Internet history,

there'd be nothing on it?

Maybe a few websites, but I've been letting Devin

use my computer, so that's probably him.

Mm. Well, was on Med M.D. and it was saying that,

because of our, you know, our circumstances,

our kids might have some genetic issues.

If our kids had some genetic issues,

wouldn't we have noticed by now?

Maybe we've been ignoring signs.

See? Glued to their phones.

We've been over this. It's just kids being kids.

Maybe, or maybe they're easily captivated by shiny objects.

Hey, I was wondering.

How'd you all two not know you were cousins?

Don't you have the same last name?

That's the stupidest thing you've ever said.

Wait a second.

If you two are cousins...

does that make us related?

Correction, that is.

All right. Come on, you two light bulbs. We'll take you to school.

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning, Lisa!

Good morning, Aunt Charlotte. Why are you in such a good mood?

Because I have fallen in love with Darius.

Tony's father?

What's wrong? I'm single. He's handsome and funny, and--

Married to Tony's mother.

Oh, technicality.

What do you mean technicality?

I mean I didn't see any chemistry between them.

Aunt Charlotte, they've been married for decades.

You were around them for an evening.

And did you see the sparks flying

between me and Darius last night?

No, I did not!

Please. Come on, cut this nonsense out, Aunt Charlotte.

He's practically your brother-in-law.

At least I didn't marry my own cousin.

Now, now Tony. I know there are some main laws

about messing with a man's wife, or his sister or his daughter,

but I don't think there's nothing in the book

on messing with a brother's cousin.

What are you getting at, Rod?

Go and let your boy get with Lisa.

Go and let your boy punch you in the throat.

Ooh.

Why are you and Lisa getting so worked up over this?

Dad, we're cousins.

That's a label. Technically, we're all related.

Your mother and I have been through much worse.

Worse than being related?

Please. I wish your mother was just my cousin.

Try being married to her.

[ laughter ]

You know, I got a very interesting call from Lisa earlier.

Really?

Yeah. Turns out her Aunt Charlotte has developed quite a crush on you.

Yeah. Son, I've got this thing about me.

I've got this animalistic ruggedness.

Women just can't resist me.

[ laughter ]

It's a gift and it's a curse.

Well, which part of it is the curse?

The part where he's delusional?

No, no. I'm not delusional. It's called pheromones.

They've been following me around all my life, you know.

But don't worry. I'm going to let that woman down easy.

Well, you know, pops, you could throw 'em my way.

Well, you know Rodney is the perfect rebound.

More like a bounce pass. Rodney, you are a woman's rock bottom.

But I'm okay with that, you understand me?

Yeah, yeah. Rock bottom that.

**

You and Tony?

Cousins.

Yes!

I can't believe that.

Just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.

Okay. The issue is not that you two are related to Tony.

Yes, it is!

'Cause usually when we're all out in public together,

I can just say, "Oh, that's just somebody my sister married."

But now, I have to say he's one of us!

Oh, Lord.

This is just going to mess up my total upper echelon standing.

Okay, has everybody in this family lost their minds?

You two, with your reputations,

Aunt Charlotte being in love with Tony's father...

So, what's wrong with that?

He's married to Tony's mother.

So, what's wrong with that?

Honey, something about that man. It just exudes

animalistic ruggedness.

I can't see how you don't see it.

No, no. I really can't. I really can't see it.

I'm a lesbian, and I can see it.

I think you need to have your vision checked, Sis.

Will everybody get off my back about my vision?

How many fingers am I holding up?

I know which finger I'm about to throw up.

Look here. Are you really having problems seeing?

Maybe. Maybe I can't see as well as I used to, so what?

You're just getting old.

Well, maybe I don't want to be getting older!

And call me superficial, but maybe I don't want to be wearing glasses.

I don't see what the big deal about wearing glasses is, Sis.

I mean, you're an adult. Are you scared people

are gonna tease you, call you "four eyes"?

I mean, there's a lot of other things they can call you

because, guess what, you're married to your cousin!

[ laughter ]

Well, you can always have a reality show and call it

"How I Met My Cousin."

[ laughter ]

Or "The Real Hussins of Hollywood."

[ laughter ]

**

Guess where I was.

Downstairs?

Yeah, but before that I was at the DMV all day.

Okay. I was at work all day.

Tony, what I'm trying to tell you is that

I had to renew my driver's license today.

Okay. Big deal. People renew their driver's license all the time.

I passed without glasses! Therefore, I don't need glasses.

Girl, please. They ain't no real doctors at the DMV.

And since when are you a real doctor to give your opinion?

All right. Fine. I concede. You don't need glasses.

I won't bring it up ever again.

Thank you. Gracias.

You're welcome. Now, can we talk

about the real issue at hand?

Oh, you mean the cousin thing?

No, no, no, these gas prices late--

of course, I'm talking about the damn cousin thing!

Girl, I can't believe we spent a whole minute

talking about the DMV, when we have real issues to discuss.

I know, Tony! I can't stop thinking about it.

Neither can I.

You know, when people start finding out,

they're going to look at us different.

People are going to stop wanting to do business with me.

And then we might not be able to run for public office!

Okay, now. When were either of us thinking about running for public office?

No, you obviously wouldn't, but I always thought

I'd make a decent politician.

Maybe even president.

Okay, you know nothing about politics at all,

but you think one day you might be president.

Not if this cousin story leaks to the press!

Oh, Tony. What are we gonna do?

I don't know. It's one thing

to accidentally marry your cousin.

It's another thing to stay married on purpose.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Do we have a choice?

Hey, thank you. Thank you all for coming.

Tony and I have something pretty important we need to talk to you about.

We all know you're cousins. It's old news.

[ laughing ] Oh, you are so funny, Darius!

No, no, no, it's not that.

We've decided we're going to move the family to Alaska.

What? What?

No one will know us there, and we can just start fresh.

Well, no. They will all know you.

You'll be the only Negroes around.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Mm-hmm. Don't you think you guys are being a little bit rash?

What about the kids?

I think they need to see a specialist anyway.

They'll be fine as long as they can get a cell phone signal.

You two have no idea how much you're overreacting.

Hey! Everybody's here!

Hi, baby.

Hi, Ebony!

Devin, Ebony, we have something important we need to talk to you about.

I knew we was adopted.

Shut up, stupid.

I have some important news to tell you, too. Can I go first?

Sure.

I got an A-plus on my project.

[ cheering ]

In your face, other moms!

Were you embarrassed, honey?

No, why?

Uh, nobody made fun of you?

No. Why would they?

'Cause, you know, it says your father and I are cousins.

Yeah, through marriage.

Wait, it's through marriage?

So we're not related.

No.

But wait. Does that mean me and Ebony aren't related?

Boy, go upstairs and study something.

Anything. You need to fix that brain of yours.

Ebony, we're so proud of you, baby.

Thanks, Dad.

Tony, Lisa, we have something to tell you.

We figured out a long time ago that you're not cousins.

What?

What? You all knew that we weren't cousins?

[ laughter ] And you didn't tell us.

Yes. Why?

Because we enjoyed watching you squirm.

That we did, that we did.

[ laughter ]

Wasn't it such fun, Darius?

Uh, Charlotte, you need to remove that hand

from my husband's knee before I remove it from your wrist.

[ laughter ]

Easy now, Bev. She can't help it.

You're right. I forget how helpless women are

to your-- what do you call it?

Raw animalistic ruggedness?

Ah. That's right.

Now, take me home, big boy.

Okay. Let's go.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Ah, well. Another one bites the dust.

Listen, if it's not too much trouble,

could one of you give me a ride to the airport?

Ah, yeah. Tony? You mind?

Yeah. It's rush hour. That's your aunt. Go take your auntie home.

Oh, come on, baby. Yes, give your auntie a ride to the airport.

Yeah, I can't because I don't have my license.

What are you talking about? Why?

Because I failed my eye exam. I need glasses, Tony.

Yeah, you're right, 'cause I'm over here.

Hello.

**

Lisa, come on out.

I don't want to!

Baby, they're just glasses. Come on. Let me see 'em.

No!

I'm gonna see 'em eventually, don't you think?

No!

Baby, I'm your husband. I'm like the IRS.

You can hide all you want. I'm still gonna find you.

Hmm. Fine! Coming out.

- Don't look! - I'm not looking.

Don't look. Look the other way!

All right.

All right. What do you think?

You want me to be honest?

100% completely honest.

Give it to you straight.

Just straight shoot with me.

All right. Baby, you look great.

Really?

Yeah.

But they're not that bad?

Not at all. I don't know why you're worried about glasses.

Everybody wears glasses.

I don't know. I think I'm just worried

about getting older, Tony. I'm scared you're not

gonna be attracted to me anymore.

Are you kidding? Baby, you look like a sexy librarian.

You mean it?

Yeah. Tell me I'm being too loud.

Tony.

I'm serious! I'm serious. You're a librarian,

and I'm a schoolboy being too loud in your library.

[ laughter ]

All right, all right. [ clearing throat ]

Hey. Keep it down.

This is a library.

And you'd better bring back your books on time,

or I'm going to have to fine you.

Mmm, what if I can't pay that fine?

You don't have 10 cents?

Mm-mm. I do not have 10 cents.

Well, then I'm gonna have to take you into my office

and punish you.

Ooh! Do what you gotta do!

You're just making fun of me, Tony.

No, baby. Not at all. Look, the older you get,

the sexier you get. You're more beautiful

than the first day I met you.

Aw, thank you, baby. You, too.

You know, that means a lot

since you can finally see me clearly.

Look, baby. The older you get,

the more I'm gonna love you, no matter what.

Wrinkles, G-string Depends, whatever.

You'll be the hottest grandma around.

You're just saying that.

No. Ain't nothing sexier than an old bald woman

with her teeth out and some thick-ass glasses.

That's funny, Tony, but when I get that old,

I'm not gonna look nothing like your mother.

Ugh!