All language subtitles for Family.Time.S03E08.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H264-WhiteHat_track3_[eng]

**

Oh, Tony.
That is disgusting.

Brushing my teeth is disgusting?
You don't wanna see me floss.

You'll be findin' enough meat
left over in there

- to feed a small village.
- Ew!

Ew? You be ewing?
You're the one that cooks.
Marinate the meat

a little bit longer, and it
wouldn't get stuck in my teeth.

Oh, well, you know,
feel free to cook yourself.

You can marinate the meat
as long as you'd like.

Bathroom is for brushing.

You're supposed to brush
your teeth for, like,

two whole minutes.
That's a long time.

When I get bored,
I pace around.

Or would you rather
I pace around,

or would you rather
my teeth rot and fall out?

I have so many gaps
in my teeth,

my tongue look like
it's in jail.

Oh, gosh. I'd rather
you just brush your teeth
in the bathroom.

Getting toothpaste
all over my carpet.

How would you like it
if I-- oh! Uh.

I'd like it if you was
making them noises
while we was in bed.

Shut up, Tony.

Girl,
you've been tripping
a lot lately,

and you've been
tripping over stuff.

You need glasses?

Glasses are for old people!
Are you calling me old?

Old enough not to fall
for that one.

The poor placement of this rug
is the reason I tripped.

Better not be the
poor placement of that rug,

after all the money you made me
spend on an interior decorator.

Oh, that interior decorator
was extremely reasonably priced.

She's a Feng Shui expert.

How can you be an expert
on where things

should be placed
around a house?

More like an expert
at ripping people off.

Oh, it's a lovely home you have
here. Um, let's move that couch

closer to that lamp.
That will be $400, please.

Oh, psft! Whatever.
I do not need glasses.

Ooh!

Yeah, yeah. I was totally
wrong about that.

We need to seeing eye dog,
get some knee pads and a helmet.

* Woke up, and my wife
said to me *

* The bill collectors
want their fees *

* The kids keep
talking back to me *

* Family Time

* Family Time,
Family Time *

* Family Time.

Um, what is all this stuff
on my dinner table

that isn't dinner?

Mom is helping me
with my school project.

Ebony has to make
a family tree.

Shouldn't Ebony be doing
her own homework, Lisa?

Hey, why are you hating?

I'm not hating. I just
want you to learn.

The school system isn't fair
these days, Tony. And besides,

all the other moms are
helping their stupid kids,

and that pushes the curve up.

Wait a minute. Did you
just call me stupid?

But I'm gonna work harder
than all the other moms,

and I'm gonna get an A.

I mean,
Ebony's gonna get an A.

Hey, Dad.
I was wondering.

Since Mom's doing
Ebony's project,

how 'bout you do
my math homework?

We're covering
probability in class,

and it just don't
make no sense.

You asking me to do
your homework for you
doesn't make any sense.

What are the chances
that I'll say yes to that?

Very low, maybe one in 100.

Oh! Now I get probability.
Thanks, Dad!

That's what I'm here for, son.

Hey, can I borrow $20?

Probably not.

See that, Lisa?
You're supposed to guide

your children, not
do their work for them.

All right. I get it.
All right. Sorry, baby.

You're on your own.

Thanks a lot, Dad.

But you know what,
if you want help
with your family tree,

you should ask Aunt Charlotte.
She's coming to visit us
for a few days,

and she definitely
knows more than I do.

Um, rewind that a second.
Did you say Aunt Charlotte

is coming to stay with us?

'Cause you didn't
run that past me.

Why can't my aunt
come to visit us?

I'm not saying she can't.
I'd just like to know

what's going on
under my roof.

Oh, your roof, is it?

I didn't say all that.

Fine, Tony.
I'll just call her and
tell her not to come.

No, no, no. That's fine.
She can come.

I'm just not gonna be
stuck here, entertaining her.

So, you know what?
I'll invite my parents over.

She's old, they're old.
They'll have old people
stuff to talk about.

They were there when the
family tree was just a seed.

[ laughter ]

**

So, anybody seen
any good movies lately?

Oh, honey. Who can afford it?

Going to the movies is like
going to see a Broadway play.

Exactly. You have to save up
to go to the movies these days.

You used to be able to get
a movie ticket, popcorn

and a soda without
taking out a second mortgage.

Of course, that was
before the war.

Which war was that,
the Civil War?

He wasn't in no damn war.

Woman, being with you is
like being a prisoner of war,

except I've got
my own room. Ah?

Ooh. So, you two sleep
in separate rooms?

Is there any other way?

In the immortal words
of the late B.B. King,

the thrill is gone.

Mm, mm.

Okay, we're not
trying to hear all that,

but please change
the subject, please.

Would anybody like
any more coffee?

Oh, no. I'm fine.

No? Nobody want
anything? Ooh, oh!

I'm okay, I'm all right.
Tony, what did I tell you

about leaving
your work boots out?

Oh, I'm sorry, Lisa.
You didn't see them, hmm?

Uh, speaking of see,
this may be a dumb question,

but I notice you guys
are all wearing glasses.

Does that help
with vision problems?

Maybe a dumb question?
Son, that's about

the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

And what that is, is Tony's
passive-aggressive way

of trying to convince me
that I need glasses,

which I really don't.

Mm-hmm. You know, Lisa,
when I was your age,

I was also in denial
about needing glasses,

but once I accepted
that I was getting older,

and my body was deteriorating,
I got glasses,

so I can watch my body
deteriorate.

[ laughter ]

Well, that's really nice.
That's so nice. Thank you.

Appreciate that,
Aunt Charlotte.

Hey, Grandma. Hey, Grandpa.
Hey, Aunt Charlotte.

Hey, Ebony baby. I ain't
seen you since you were--

Yeah, since
I was this tall.

We all get it.
Kids grow up.

Anyways, I need help
with my homework.

Uh, and you need to watch
your tongue, thank you.

Little Miss Smart Ass
over there

is working
on a family tree.

I got to Mom and Grandma
and got stuck.

Oh, but right off the bat,
you can add my mother

or your great-grandma's
sister Lydia

and my father Kent.

On our side over here,

you can add
my cousin Rufus.

He was from Alabama.

Not that I remember Rufus,
but wasn't he from Cleveland?

No. That was
my cousin Bernice.

Rufus was from
Mooresville, Alabama.

Mooresville?
Mm-hmm.

That's funny, 'cause
I got a cousin named Rufus
from out there.

Oh, really? Well,
what was his last name?

Cooper. Rufus Cooper.

That was my Rufus's last name.

No.

But then, he moved away

from Mooresville
to Maryland

when he got married to that--

Mm-hmm, that woman
with the peg leg!

That's right!

[ screaming ]

Wait, wait, wait a second.
Wait a second, giggles.

Uh, if your cousin Rufus
is her cousin Rufus,

that, that means that--

That means we're cousins.

That's right! [ laughing ]

This is some good stuff.

Baby, put the pen down.
No, no, no, go upstairs,

but leave the evidence.

I'm sure this has got to be
some kind of mistake.

Really, there's a lot
of people named Rufus Cooper.

Man, with peg legs?

Not in Mooresville. They had
a population of about 60.

What is the problem? It just
means you're distant cousins.

[ laughter ]

I think I need a drink.

I think I need a double.

[ laughter ]

**

Tony, we're related!

Well, technically we were
related since we got married.

No. Come on. you know
this is different.

We're cousins.

But maybe not as bad
as it sounds.

Tony, what possible
upside could there be?

Well, off the top of my head,

if there was
a medical emergency,

we'd be perfect donor matches
for each other.

Oh, God. Let's face it,
Tony. We are freaks.

Uh, no. You're a freak.
That's why I married you
in the first place.

And this freak will definitely
smack you upside your head.

If that smack caused me
to bleed out,

that would constitute
a medical emergency,

and you'd be a perfect
blood donor match.

Oh, here's a fun fact.

Albert Einstein married
his own cousin. True story.

Fun fact. You're
no Albert Einstein.

Maybe you. You married
your own cousin.

Tony, come on.
Really, what do we do?

Uh, nothing.
There's nothing to do.

We just pretend that this
information does not exist,

just like I pretended
I didn't see nothing

when I walked into
Devin's room without knocking.

What did you see?

Horror.

The horror, Lisa.

We already built
a whole life together.

All right? We'll just
let sleeping dogs lie.

Agreed. Let's just, just not
think about it ever again.

Ever.
Ever.

Still thinking about it.

Me, too.

Well, I do know one thing
we can do that will take
our minds off everything

that we're allowed to do
as husband and wife.

Yuck! It felt like
you're my brother.

I wouldn't know. I've
never kissed my brother.

You know what I mean.

Well, then what do we do?

I don't know.
Just read something.

Just read something, take
our minds off of everything.

This is probably
a good pink book.

Lisa, will you please just
admit that you need glasses?

Weak eyes run in your side
of the family.

You mean our side
of the family.

**

Damn, Lisa.
Did you sleep at all?

How could I, Tony?
I was up all night,

researching stuff
on the Internet.

How many times
do I have to tell you

nothing good can ever come
from the Internet?

So, if I look up
your Internet history,

there'd be nothing on it?

Maybe a few websites,
but I've been letting Devin

use my computer,
so that's probably him.

Mm. Well, was on Med M.D.
and it was saying that,

because of our, you know,
our circumstances,

our kids might have
some genetic issues.

If our kids had
some genetic issues,

wouldn't we have noticed
by now?

Maybe we've been ignoring signs.

See? Glued to their phones.

We've been over this.
It's just kids being kids.

Maybe, or maybe they're easily
captivated by shiny objects.

Hey, I was wondering.

How'd you all two not know
you were cousins?

Don't you have
the same last name?

That's the stupidest thing
you've ever said.

Wait a second.

If you two are cousins...

does that make us related?

Correction, that is.

All right. Come on,
you two light bulbs.
We'll take you to school.

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning, Lisa!

Good morning, Aunt Charlotte.
Why are you in such a good mood?

Because I have fallen
in love with Darius.

Tony's father?

What's wrong? I'm single.
He's handsome and funny, and--

Married to Tony's mother.

Oh, technicality.

What do you mean
technicality?

I mean I didn't see
any chemistry between them.

Aunt Charlotte, they've
been married for decades.

You were around them
for an evening.

And did you see
the sparks flying

between me and Darius
last night?

No, I did not!

Please. Come on, cut this
nonsense out, Aunt Charlotte.

He's practically
your brother-in-law.

At least I didn't marry
my own cousin.

Now, now Tony. I know
there are some main laws

about messing with a man's wife,
or his sister or his daughter,

but I don't think
there's nothing in the book

on messing with
a brother's cousin.

What are you
getting at, Rod?

Go and let your boy
get with Lisa.

Go and let your boy
punch you in the throat.

Ooh.

Why are you and Lisa getting
so worked up over this?

Dad, we're cousins.

That's a label. Technically,
we're all related.

Your mother and I have been
through much worse.

Worse than being related?

Please. I wish your mother
was just my cousin.

Try being married to her.

[ laughter ]

You know, I got
a very interesting call
from Lisa earlier.

Really?

Yeah. Turns out her
Aunt Charlotte has developed
quite a crush on you.

Yeah. Son, I've got
this thing about me.

I've got this
animalistic ruggedness.

Women just can't resist me.

[ laughter ]

It's a gift and it's a curse.

Well, which part of it
is the curse?

The part where
he's delusional?

No, no. I'm not delusional.
It's called pheromones.

They've been following me around
all my life, you know.

But don't worry. I'm going
to let that woman down easy.

Well, you know, pops,
you could throw 'em my way.

Well, you know Rodney
is the perfect rebound.

More like a bounce pass.
Rodney, you are a woman's
rock bottom.

But I'm okay with that,
you understand me?

Yeah, yeah.
Rock bottom that.

**

You and Tony?

Cousins.

Yes!

I can't believe that.

Just thinking about it
makes me sick to my stomach.

Okay. The issue is not that
you two are related to Tony.

Yes, it is!

'Cause usually when we're
all out in public together,

I can just say, "Oh, that's just
somebody my sister married."

But now, I have to say
he's one of us!

Oh, Lord.

This is just going to mess up
my total upper echelon standing.

Okay, has everybody in this
family lost their minds?

You two, with your reputations,

Aunt Charlotte being in love
with Tony's father...

So, what's wrong
with that?

He's married to Tony's mother.

So, what's wrong with that?

Honey, something about
that man. It just exudes

animalistic ruggedness.

I can't see
how you don't see it.

No, no. I really can't.
I really can't see it.

I'm a lesbian,
and I can see it.

I think you need to have
your vision checked, Sis.

Will everybody get off
my back about my vision?

How many fingers
am I holding up?

I know which finger
I'm about to throw up.

Look here. Are you really
having problems seeing?

Maybe. Maybe I can't see as
well as I used to, so what?

You're just getting old.

Well, maybe I don't want
to be getting older!

And call me superficial,
but maybe I don't want
to be wearing glasses.

I don't see what the big deal
about wearing glasses is, Sis.

I mean, you're an adult.
Are you scared people

are gonna tease you,
call you "four eyes"?

I mean, there's a lot of
other things they can call you

because, guess what, you're
married to your cousin!

[ laughter ]

Well, you can always have
a reality show and call it

"How I Met My Cousin."

[ laughter ]

Or "The Real Hussins
of Hollywood."

[ laughter ]

**

Guess where I was.

Downstairs?

Yeah, but before that
I was at the DMV all day.

Okay. I was at work all day.

Tony, what I'm trying
to tell you is that

I had to renew
my driver's license today.

Okay. Big deal. People
renew their driver's
license all the time.

I passed without glasses!
Therefore, I don't need
glasses.

Girl, please. They ain't
no real doctors at the DMV.

And since when
are you a real doctor
to give your opinion?

All right. Fine. I concede.
You don't need glasses.

I won't bring it up
ever again.

Thank you. Gracias.

You're welcome.
Now, can we talk

about the real issue
at hand?

Oh, you mean
the cousin thing?

No, no, no,
these gas prices late--

of course, I'm talking
about the damn cousin thing!

Girl, I can't believe
we spent a whole minute

talking about the DMV, when
we have real issues to discuss.

I know, Tony! I can't
stop thinking about it.

Neither can I.

You know, when people
start finding out,

they're going to look
at us different.

People are going to stop
wanting to do business with me.

And then we might not be able
to run for public office!

Okay, now. When were
either of us thinking about
running for public office?

No, you obviously wouldn't,
but I always thought

I'd make a decent
politician.

Maybe even president.

Okay, you know nothing
about politics at all,

but you think one day
you might be president.

Not if this cousin story
leaks to the press!

Oh, Tony.
What are we gonna do?

I don't know.
It's one thing

to accidentally
marry your cousin.

It's another thing to
stay married on purpose.

Are you saying what
I think you're saying?

Do we have a choice?

Hey, thank you.
Thank you all for coming.

Tony and I have something
pretty important we need
to talk to you about.

We all know you're cousins.
It's old news.

[ laughing ] Oh, you
are so funny, Darius!

No, no, no, it's not that.

We've decided we're going
to move the family to Alaska.

What?
What?

No one will know us there,
and we can just start fresh.

Well, no.
They will all know you.

You'll be the only
Negroes around.

That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.

Mm-hmm. Don't you think you guys
are being a little bit rash?

What about the kids?

I think they need to see
a specialist anyway.

They'll be fine as long as they
can get a cell phone signal.

You two have no idea
how much you're overreacting.

Hey! Everybody's here!

Hi, baby.

Hi, Ebony!

Devin, Ebony, we have
something important we need
to talk to you about.

I knew we was adopted.

Shut up, stupid.

I have some important
news to tell you, too.
Can I go first?

Sure.

I got an A-plus
on my project.

[ cheering ]

In your face, other moms!

Were you embarrassed,
honey?

No, why?

Uh, nobody made fun of you?

No. Why would they?

'Cause, you know,
it says your father
and I are cousins.

Yeah, through marriage.

Wait, it's
through marriage?

So we're not related.

No.

But wait. Does that mean
me and Ebony aren't related?

Boy, go upstairs
and study something.

Anything. You need to fix
that brain of yours.

Ebony, we're so proud
of you, baby.

Thanks, Dad.

Tony, Lisa, we have
something to tell you.

We figured out
a long time ago that
you're not cousins.

What?

What? You all knew
that we weren't cousins?

[ laughter ]
And you didn't
tell us.

Yes.
Why?

Because we enjoyed
watching you squirm.

That we did,
that we did.

[ laughter ]

Wasn't it such fun,
Darius?

Uh, Charlotte, you need
to remove that hand

from my husband's knee before
I remove it from your wrist.

[ laughter ]

Easy now, Bev.
She can't help it.

You're right. I forget
how helpless women are

to your--
what do you call it?

Raw animalistic ruggedness?

Ah. That's right.

Now, take me home,
big boy.

Okay. Let's go.

I think I just threw up
in my mouth a little bit.

Ah, well. Another one
bites the dust.

Listen, if it's
not too much trouble,

could one of you give me
a ride to the airport?

Ah, yeah. Tony?
You mind?

Yeah. It's rush hour.
That's your aunt. Go
take your auntie home.

Oh, come on, baby.
Yes, give your auntie
a ride to the airport.

Yeah, I can't because
I don't have my license.

What are you
talking about? Why?

Because I failed my eye exam.
I need glasses, Tony.

Yeah, you're right,
'cause I'm over here.

Hello.

**

Lisa, come on out.

I don't want to!

Baby, they're just glasses.
Come on. Let me see 'em.

No!

I'm gonna see 'em eventually,
don't you think?

No!

Baby, I'm your husband.
I'm like the IRS.

You can hide all you want.
I'm still gonna find you.

Hmm. Fine!
Coming out.

- Don't look!
- I'm not looking.

Don't look.
Look the other way!

All right.

All right.
What do you think?

You want me to be honest?

100% completely honest.

Give it to you straight.

Just straight shoot with me.

All right.
Baby, you look great.

Really?

Yeah.

But they're not that bad?

Not at all. I don't know why
you're worried about glasses.

Everybody wears glasses.

I don't know.
I think I'm just worried

about getting older, Tony.
I'm scared you're not

gonna be attracted
to me anymore.

Are you kidding? Baby, you
look like a sexy librarian.

You mean it?

Yeah. Tell me
I'm being too loud.

Tony.

I'm serious! I'm serious.
You're a librarian,

and I'm a schoolboy being
too loud in your library.

[ laughter ]

All right, all right.
[ clearing throat ]

Hey. Keep it down.

This is a library.

And you'd better bring back
your books on time,

or I'm going
to have to fine you.

Mmm, what if I can't
pay that fine?

You don't have 10 cents?

Mm-mm. I do not have 10 cents.

Well, then I'm gonna have
to take you into my office

and punish you.

Ooh! Do what you gotta do!

You're just making
fun of me, Tony.

No, baby. Not at all.
Look, the older you get,

the sexier you get.
You're more beautiful

than the first day
I met you.

Aw, thank you, baby.
You, too.

You know, that means a lot

since you can finally
see me clearly.

Look, baby.
The older you get,

the more I'm gonna love you,
no matter what.

Wrinkles, G-string
Depends, whatever.

You'll be the hottest
grandma around.

You're just saying that.

No. Ain't nothing sexier
than an old bald woman

with her teeth out
and some thick-ass glasses.

That's funny, Tony,
but when I get that old,

I'm not gonna look
nothing like your mother.

Ugh!