Original subtitles

**

Oh! Oh, Tony!

Tony!

Ah, damn! What's going on, girl?

I thought you left the sex tape

on too loud or something.

What's wrong with you?

Tony, I think I got a real problem this time.

Yeah, obviously. I think the whole damn neighborhood heard you.

What's going on?

I'm going bald.

What? Oh, no. I didn't sign up for that.

Come on, Tony. Could you please be serious for a minute?

I am serious. I understand this is a hairy situation.

My skin is breaking out...

I think this is a side effect of that birth control.

Ah. There it is.

Now it makes sense 'cause you're also gaining weight.

What?

I'm just saying, I'm agreeing with you.

One of the side effects

of birth control is weight gain.

Oh, what, so now you're some expert on birth control?

Here we go, right on cue, the mood swings.

Oh, damn it, I am not moody!

Okay! Could've fooled me.

Looked like your head was about to spin around.

You know what? Lori has that charity event coming up.

I am not going to go with my hair looking like this.

What is it with your damn sisters?

Lori is always begging. Her hands look like cups.

Tony, I'm going bald.

Baby, it's okay.

Just have Rachel shave her back

and make a wig out of that.

You'll be all right.

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fees *

* The kids keep talking back to me *

* Family Time

* Family Time, Family Time *

* Family Time

**

Good morning!

Good morning.

Morning breakfast?

The most important meal of the day and all.

I would've made it for you.

No, thank you.

The way you went off on me last night,

I would've expected poison in my eggs.

Or worse. Hair.

You're right. I was on one.

I understand how traumatic that could be.

You go to sleep with a full, beautiful head of hair,

and you wake up with LeBron's hairline.

Just promise me you won't start wearing headbands.

That's a promise

because I'm getting off birth control.

Look, no, wait. [ coughing ]

Excu-- Uh, uh, excuse me?

Could you run that by me again?

I said I'm getting off the pill.

You're having a midlife crisis.

You think that having another child

will make you feel young again.

Speaking of which, you want some of these fresh eggs?

I will have a midlife crisis when I actually reach midlife,

thank you, and I love my kids,

We know that, but I don't want any more.

I don't want any more kids either.

So, now I'm confused.

You don't want any more kids,

but you want to get off birth control.

So, am I to assume that you're going

to shut down the factory without any further notice?

In a sense.

In a sense?

Well, does that mean I can get a job

at another factory?

You do, and I'll burn down that factory with you in it.

Okay, well, then I don't get it.

I'm talking about getting my tubes tied, Tony.

Surgery? Oh, no. I don't know about that.

You want to start wearing protection?

You know, Todd knows a good surgeon.

**

So, I'm thinking for this charity event,

we should have a cute little '70s party.

- [ groans ] - Afros...

Everybody does '70s.

I think we should do, like, a nice '80s house party theme.

Ooh, yes, yes, yes! I love it!

And we should host it here.

Yeah! Why not?

What is this charity, anyway?

Oh, Lisa. How many times do I have to tell you?

The Keep On Wishing Foundation

is a charitable organization for underprivileged children

who aren't fortunate enough

to have someone like me in their lives to guide them

through life's obstacles and tough decisions.

What kind of tough decisions can you help somebody make?

Like where to buy the best knockoff purse?

[ laughing ]

[ fake laughter ]

Laugh if you want to, ladies, but don't ask for nothing

out of my Neiman Marcus gift basket they promised me.

Ooh!

Uh, and why exactly are we having it at my house?

'Cause it's a house party. You're the one with a house.

Okay, fine, since you're being persnickety,

why don't we take a vote?

All in favor of having the party here, say aye.

- Aye! - Aye!

All opposed? Okay, the ayes have it.

Oh, really?

It's settled! We're going to have a party here.

I would've preferred more advance notice. That would've been nice.

But you probably don't have to worry about anything.

Those RSVPs are pretty low.

Oh, well you know how to get those up.

All you have to do is make one call.

Come on, Lori. You know that they will be perfect for an '80s party!

Oh, hell, no.

I'm not calling them them heifers.

I am not trying to open up old wounds.

What old wounds?

I mean, just because you were part of a rap group,

they kicked you out and then blew up to be

these huge sensational international stars

I mean, why would that be a wound?

Okay, so now you're pouring salt in the old wound.

N-Pepa.

[ laughter ]

You guys just don't understand.

It's not funny that Salt-N-Pepa

kicked me out of their group!

I've got things to do.

Yeah, the swap meet's about to close.

- [ mumbles ] - You know what, I've got to go, too, honestly.

I have my appointment with the OB-GYN.

Wait a minute. Is everything okay?

Yeah. I'm just getting some more information

about a tubal ligation.

Oh, you're getting your tubes tied, sis?

Thinking about it.

Don't you think that's a little premature

and invasive?

It's an outpatient surgery. You're in and out the same day.

No, it's still surgery.

Now, you remember when Aunt Judy went in.

She woke up, and both her feet had been removed.

She was just going to get an eye exam.

I remember. Rachel is right, for a change.

Okay, so what about Tony?

Why doesn't he just get a vasectomy?

He would never go for that.

Oh, but he can go for my little sister

going under the knife and then probably

going into a coma, never waking up,

then he's going to die of sadness and depression,

then you're all going to expect us

to take care of your orphaned children,

and honey, I am too fine for all of that!

No! You need to talk to your husband, cutie.

**

Tony, what are you doing?

Just fixing a broken pipe.

Oh, you're a contractor.

Shouldn't we just call a plumber?

Trust me, Lisa. I know a little something about pipes.

Okay, well, speaking of pipes,

I want to talk to you about something.

Well, can't it wait? I'm right in the middle of this.

Can you hand me that wrench, please?

Yeah. So, I was doing a little research,

and you know, even though it's really common,

it still says it's a major risk

for a woman to have her tubes tied.

Exactly. That's why I want you to stay on birth control.

Or there's another option.

Lisa, we already talked about this.

I don't like how those things feel.

Have you ever thought about fixing your pipes?

That's what I'm doing right now.

No, the other pipes.

Don't tell me those pipes upstairs are leaking again.

The ones downstairs.

Where, in the man cave?

More like your manhood.

Tony, have you ever thought about getting a vasectomy?

What? [ thud ] Oh! Ooh!

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay. You want to run that by me again?

Tony, gosh, all I was saying,

that you might want to consider getting a vasectomy.

The big snip? Oh, hell, no.

Who's been filling your head with this nonsense?

Nobody.

Nobody, uh-- Okay, all right.

I was talking to Lori and Rachel.

Ah-ha! I don't need a vasectomy.

You need a sisterectomy.

It's really not that big of a deal, Tony.

What not that big of-- Not that big of a deal? Yes, it is!

Until we get a dog, ain't nobody getting neutered around here.

Oh, but it's okay for me to get spayed?

Look, this wasn't my idea. This was your crazy-ass idea.

You know what? It's all on me, huh?

You don't want kids, I don't want kids,

but somehow you don't have to do anything,

and I'm the one that has to take medicine

that makes my hair fall out, or even get surgery?

And don't forget about the mood swings.

How about I swing that wrench at you?

I'd rather take a wrench to the head

than a knife to the-- Now, don't get the idea.

So, you won't even consider it?

Oh, yeah, I'll consider it. Hmm, let me think about.

Oh, yeah, yeah-- No!

I need a damn aspirin now.

**

This guy's a bum, man! He can't even make free throw.

I ain't worried about this damn game.

Lisa wants me to get a vasectomy.

What's the difference?

You plan on having some more kids?

- No. - So, what's the problem?

The problem is I don't want to get a vasectomy.

[ scoffs ] I don't see what the big deal is, man.

I got one.

Donnie, you don't even have any kids.

I know. It worked!

When I got ObamaCare, man,

I went and got everything done.

After that vasectomy I got a root canal,

a hip replacement.

I even snuck into an OB-GYN's office

to get a Pap smear.

Donnie, men can't get Pap smears.

I know!

Kinda figured that out once they had me in 'em stirrups.

[ scoffs ] That's disgusting.

You think any one of these players got one?

Come on, Ton, you know that's ridiculous, dude.

Ain't no 6'9" ball player

could fit in them little-ass stirrups.

No, man, I'm talking about

do you think any one of them got the big snip.

Nah. I mean, considering that

they usually have six or seven kids

by the time they 30 anyway, they probably should.

Hey, let me give you some advice, man.

Mm. This should be rich.

You ever heard of a Ben Franklin close?

The only thing I know about Ben Franklin

is he's on the $100 bill.

Okay, whenever Ben Franklin had a problem, he would list

the pros and the cons, and he would make his decision

based on whichever side made the most sense.

So, what are your pros?

Well, first of all--

I'll tell you one. Number one, you can have worry-free sex.

Number two, you could save money by not having no more kids.

And number three, it will make Lisa happy,

which will make your marriage better.

That's a good one. I can get behind that.

So, what are your cons?

- Let's see-- - Number one,

the doctor could drop the scalpel,

and you could get way more than a vasectomy.

Number two, the next time

the homies say you're coming up short,

it will be true.

I thought I was supposed to be listing my own pros and cons,

not listening to your nonsense.

And number three, if you ran into, let's say

Halle Berry at the supermarket,

and she wants to have your love child,

right, but you can't do it because you got a vasectomy.

If I was Martin right now, I'd be saying,

"Cole, you're stupid."

Well, if it was me, I would go with my wife

and whatever makes her happy.

Okay, but what if you decide

you want to have kids one day?

Huh.

Between you and me, I keep a private stash

in my mom's freezer for such an occasion.

I'm done. I'm off of you.

**

So, what's up with Tony?

Is he going to get the snip or not?

Uh, probably or not.

He's not feeling it, and I'm really not trying to press the issue.

In the back of Tony's mind, he wants to have more kids.

No, no. We talked about it. He doesn't want more kids.

Maybe not with you.

What?

He's a guy.

Guys always have a back-up plan,

in case the first marriage doesn't work out.

Oh. That's absurd.

- Is it? - [ doorbell ringing ]

- That's absurdity. - Is it?

It's ridiculous. And rude.

Ooh. Is that Lori?

Hey, did you talk to him?

I asked politely. You know I didn't want to push it.

So, uh, let me guess. They said no.

So, so, they are coming?

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

[ cheers and applause ]

Girl, I haven't seen you since!

Since you kicked Lori out of the group!

I wasn't going to bring it up, but...

basically, yeah.

Oh, and Rachel, I remember when you tried

to get with one of our back-up dancers.

Chill!

But I did better with his sister.

I can't believe you guys are here!

Well, you know, we were in town

shooting another commercial, you know,

Lori called, said she's having a charity function,

so here we are.

And guess what?

I announced Salt-N-Pepa's there,

and I swear the RSVPs just shot through the old roof.

Well, you know, we was just happy she called.

We thought she was still pissed at us.

Why would I be pissed at y'all?

Maybe because you got replaced?

What exactly happened anyway?

Me, Salt and Spice,

we were taking the college circuit by storm.

I mean, killing it.

- We were hot. - Yes.

And I get one little bout of laryngitis,

and you kicked me to the curb.

You sounded like a dying cat.

Whatever, Cheryl.

One little bout, missed one little rehearsal.

I look up, and they replaced me

with a little 16-year-old named Deidra.

- Who? - Dee Dee!

- Who's Dee Dee? - Spinderella!

Oh! She was hot.

Okay, but that is all behind you guys now, and now

you're coming back together for underprivileged children.

Exactly.

Underprivileged children. Where's Spinderella?

Huh? I don't see her. Did you get rid of her, too?

[ screeching ]

Ooh, looks like someone is still bitter.

No! I ain't bitter.

I ain't bitter at all.

We did not come here to fight.

Yeah, what did you come here for, Cheryl, huh?

To rub your success in my face like Proactiv?

Okay. This was a bad idea. Let's go.

No!

- We tried, Lisa. - No, let's go.

Let them go. Let them go. They fancy. They fancy.

- Let them shoot their way on out the door. - I heard that!

**

[ all chattering ]

- Anything, ladies? - [ doorbell ringing, knocking ]

You okay? All right. Got you drinks. You're good.

Hey! Well, if it isn't Grace Jones!

Just call me a slave to the rhythm, darling.

[ laughter ]

Wow! This is a good turnout.

I'm glad so many people care about the youth.

Oh, girl, please. They don't care nothing about the youth.

They only care about Salt-N-Pepa.

Mm. Well, I only care about how I look, so, how do I look?

Fierce, darling. Fierce.

Stranger?

Stranger! Now what about me?

You look great, you look just like Tina Turner

before Ike's biggest hits.

- Ooh, ooh. - Ooh. Too soon?

Uh, you know, Chris Brown and Rihanna joke,

that would've been too soon.

I see you Michael Waxing, but you're not moonwalking.

You're just walking backwards.

- He's going for it. - He did. He tried.

[ singing ]

Donnie in the building.

But, who are you exactly?

I'm Rick James.

Both: Shut your mouth!

I'm just talking about Rick James.

Those appetizers look like one hell of a jug.

Can I get one?

Absolutely.

Nice. Uh, can you point me to the drinks,

so I can wash it all down?

Help yourself, super freak.

Ow!

- Where's Lori? - I think she was in the kitchen,

last time I checked.

Oh, let me stranger over there.

Uh, well, she was in there a few minutes ago.

Rachel, this is a costume party.

How come you ain't dress up?

- Whatever, LL Fool J. - You know what?

When you said we was doing an '80s party,

I thought it was going to be whack,

but I'm having fun with this.

Remember I used to get it in on the street corner.

You remember, I got bars. Hold on, hold on.

* Yeah, big Tone used to rap a lot *

* Now I've got a family, wife kind of sexy *

* Sister-in-law manly

* Uh, I got bars like candy

* Lisa love me long time

* Rachel can't stand me

* But that's cool 'cause I ain't going nowhere *

* Big daddy's stalwart

* Fall like no hair

* Weavy

That's okay, 'cause I get more ladies than you, LL No Game.

I told you you'll have fun, Tony.

See, you should listen to your wife sometimes.

Yeah, well, but sometimes

when you're saying something that I don't want to hear.

Yeah, whatever. Have you seen my sister?

Yeah. He's standing right next to you.

That's enough, human beat box!

Now where's the rest of the Fat Boys? You ate 'em?

There she is.

Oh, Cyndi Lauper. This is so cute!

But you don't look like a girl that just wants to have fun.

Good news. The party's a success.

We raised all this money!

Wow! That's really good!

That's great, sis!

Okay, what could possibly be the bad news?

When the people find out Salt-N-Pepa ain't coming,

they're going to want all this money back.

Ooh.

If you leave now, you can make it

to the border before they catch you.

Lori, why wouldn't you tell them

Salt-N-Pepa aren't coming?

You mean I put on all this for nothing?

Yeah, you did, so why don't you disappear

like your waistline did in the '80s?

Please take this seriously.

Honestly, I think you're overreacting.

I mean, no lie, it would've been really great

to have Salt-N-Pepa here, but everybody seems

to be having a good time, regardless.

Tony: Yeah, that's true.

Hey, what's up, y'all? Great party, okay?

But where the hell is Salt-N-Pepa?

Everybody's asking about 'em now.

I'm sure you're over exaggerating.

[ chanting ] We want Salt-N-Pepa! We want Salt-N-Pepa!

Oh, no. See, this is terrible.

First they humiliate me

by kicking me out of the band, and now this?

- Oh, I ain't giving this money back. - Okay, all right now.

Don't you worry your pretty little Cyndi Lauper head, okay?

I have an idea.

**

Excuse me, excuse me! DJ, please stop the music.

I just want your attention.

I am the sepia Cyndi Lauper,

and I know we all want to have fun!

So, I just want to thank you all

for your generous donation

to the Keep On Wishing Foundation.

See, I believe the children are our future.

All right, now, enough with the yeb!

Cut the yeb, now. We want to see Salt-N-Pepa!

Salt-N-Pepa! Salt-N-Pepa! Salt-N-Pepa!

All right, all right, all right!

Without further adieu, that's French

for "They're coming down the stairs,"

here is the original Salt-N-Pepa!

[ cheering ]

**

* Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop *

* Shoop

* Shoop ba-doop

* Shoop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop *

* Oh, oh, oh, shoop

* Shoop ba-doop

* Shoop ba-doop

* Shoop

**

Hey, stop the music. Stop the music.

I ain't the smartest piranha in the forest,

but even I know they ain't no damn Salt-N-Pepa.

That's Lisa and other one.

[ crowd booing ]

Really?

I can't believe you thought that was going to work.

Well, it was worth a try.

Okay, everybody, everybody, relax. Salt-N-Pepa will be here.

[ cheering ]

Just not tonight.

[ booing ]

Wait. Wait a minute, wait.

Are those boos for us?

Yeah, 'cause this doesn't sound like a party I want to be at.

It's them! It's really them!

I didn't think you guys were gonna show.

It's for the kids, Lori.

Hey, everybody. Salt-N-Pepa's here!

Saw, saw, saw, saw, Salt-N-Pepa's here!

[ cheering ]

So party up, drink, have some food,

and they'll be right back to holler at you all.

Don't look over there. It's Halloween.

**

So, you was trying to pass off as me?

Girl, that ain't nothing compared to the time

I tried to get into a party as Biggie Smalls.

I forgot he was dead.

Babe, listen.

We ain't want to leave on bad terms.

We just hope that we can be friends again.

I don't know, Cheryl. It's just hard for me.

I mean, I can't help but be bitter.

Look at you guys.

You're famous,

and we started this all together

as Salt-N-Pepa-N-Spice.

Lori, that was the '80s. It's time to let it go.

I mean, really. Who are we kidding?

Salt-N-Pepa-N-Spice?

That is so corny.

Can you come up with something better, like Cinnamon?

I wanted to be a rapper, not a stripper.

Girl, look, I know you're still mad,

but just take all that built-up anger

and, ah, push it.

Hmm.

Push it real good.

Well, I just want to let it be known

that I still think, when we were in the studio

creating this song, that y'all should've

listened to me and pulled it.

Pulled it. Pulled it.

And that's another reason why we kicked you out.

**

You know, Lisa, I was thinking,

and I know this is probably not the best time for this,

but I don't want you to get your tubes tied.

And I've decided I don't want you to get a vasectomy.

Then what are we going to do?

I can't risk having another Devin.

No, actually my doctor offered another solution

that won't make me gain weight or lose my hair.

Okay. You sure?

They're making strides and waves these days.

You won't be able to tell.

Shut up, Tony.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the moment we've all been waiting for.

My girls, my friends, Salt-N-Pepa!

[ cheering ]

* Push it

Are you all ready for this old school party?

- [ cheering ] - Make some noise! Come on!

* Pepa's here, and we're in effect *

* Want you to push it, babe *

* Coolin' by day then at night *

* Working up a sweat, come on, girls *

* Let's go show the guys that we know *

* How to become number one in a hot party show *

* Now push it

* Ah, push it

Come on, y'all.

* Push it good

Don't pull it, Lori. Push it.

* Push it real good

* Ooh, baby, baby, baby, baby *

* Get up on this

* Saw, saw, saw, saw, Salt-N-Pepa's here **

**

You still got it.