Original subtitles

**

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. What y'all doing?

- Your chores. - Oh, cool.

'Cause I was just thinking,

I don't feel like cleaning no backyard.

Now look at this.

- All the homies is going to this little thing. - Hmm.

- Cool if I roll? - Absolutely not.

Now go and get your work clothes on and grab that rake.

Man, I don't never get to do nothing around here.

Come on, Tony.

Let the boy go to the fair.

Anyways, I'm enjoying spending time with you.

You work so much, we don't get to

spend a lot of you and me time.

Well, that's the price you pay

when you run a successful business.

Oh, I mean, if it's so successful,

why don't you hire a little help?

What you mean, like an assistant?

Yeah, I mean, if it'll make things easier.

Yeah, I could use somebody to help me out, uh-huh.

Put stuff away in the filing cabinets and run errands.

Yeah, and the best part is,

you'll be able to spend more time at home,

you can relax, kick back,

maybe use our Jacuzzi a little bit more.

Oh, now you're talking. Let's finish this up.

- We can get in that bad boy right now. - Ooh, that sounds nice.

- I'm gonna get swimsuits. - You don't need no swimsuits.

- Tony, the kids are here. - That's a good point.

Hey, yo, Devin! Never mind what I said.

You can go to the fair. And take your sister with you.

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors won't get me *

* Kids be talking back to me *

* Family time

* Family time Family time *

* Family time

**

Okay, so to cut to the chase, this job requires

basic filing skills, organizational skills,

typing skills and occasionally running a few errands.

You do have a car, right?

Yes, sir.

Well, it has a boot on it.

But since I'm about to get this job,

I can afford to get the boot off.

Fair enough, fair enough.

- Okay, so, Melinda. - Hmm?

What separates you from the other applicants?

Besides the fact that they're all basic?

No offense, basic ladies, but seriously, if I get

this job, you expect me to dress stuffy like them every day?

I don't care what my employees wear.

As long as they get the job done,

they could be naked for all I care.

Oh, is that right, Tony?

Unh-unh. Not right in the middle of my interview.

Could you not be rude and wait your turn?

( laughs ) Just basic. You know what I'm talking about?

( laughs )

M-M-M-M-M-Melinda? It is Melinda, right?

Th-this is my wife, Lisa.

- It is Lisa, right? - Oh!

Oh, it's so nice to meet you, Lis--

You know what? Um, this interview is over.

You can go ahead and get up. This interview is so--

You know, as a matter of fact, it's over for everybody.

I want everybody out, okay? This inter-- No more interviews.

It's okay, you can just leave your resumes

- at the front, please, right in the bin. - Out. Come on!

Chop, chop!

Mm-hmm.

Lisa, what the hell are you doing?

What the hell are you doing, Tony?

Are you hiring an assistant, or are you casting an adult movie?

Both. I'm trying to get it cracking up in here.

Spice it up. Okay, I'm just joking.

I just put an ad in the paper and that's who showed up.

Other than this other guy who came in earlier.

Oh, well, great. Hire him.

I could do that. I could do that.

He said he was a convict that was on parole and had

two strikes, so what are the chances of him getting a third?

Okay, well, I don't know, Tony.

Can you at least hire somebody like less attractive?

Less attractive? Lisa, come on.

After being married all these years,

you should know that there is no competition.

I don't know, Tony. I don't like the idea

of you and some beautiful woman spending all that time alone.

Yeah, developing little inside jokes.

I'm just going off of what you said.

You want me to hire somebody less attractive, no problem.

Either one of your sisters need a job? What?

Come on now. They uglier than little pug puppies.

- ( gasps ) - Smile!

- Don't you talk about my sisters. - Okay.

**

- Oh. Like that, Ton'? - Man, she just bust up

in there and kicked everybody out like she run the joint.

What?

Were they all like gorgeous though?

- Man, they was all dimes. - Dimes?

Oh, man! Like, so, like,

give me more details, man, like, you know,

you got, you got pictures, you know, maybe videos

or something like that?

Come on, man, come on. We be getting off topic here, bro.

I mean, if I can't vent to my homeboy, then who can I talk to?

You're right, man, you're right, uh,

I'm glad we kinda got the relationship where we can vent to each other.

That's what I'm talking about, so Lisa--

Like just the other day, I got evicted.

Evicted?

Yeah, man! Talking about I wasn't paying my rent.

Can you believe that?

- Was you? - No!

But they didn't have to put me on

blast like that, putting notices on my door and everything.

I'm bringing chicks through, they looking crazy,

I can't explain it.

Yeah, that's terrible, man. That's terrible.

Hey, man, it is what is it.

- So you find a new place? - No, not yet, man.

What's your price range?

( laughs )

Why's everybody always complicating things with money?

I thought this was a free country. Am I mistaken?

You right, you right.

Well, I hope everything works out for you, man.

So anyway, back to Lisa, see--

And to think they got me paying thousands of dollars

for a place that ain't much bigger than this.

Just looking around at this spot,

if I had to do a rough estimation

and factor you in...

Yeah, man, you know, if I had my choice,

I'd just crash here in the man cave,

you know what I mean, until I could get

my chips together and, uh, you know, find my own spot.

Here? Uh, well, you know I would, you know, you my boy.

You know, in a minute, a heartbeat.

But, uh, I got a wife.

Oh, man. Say no more, man.

I know Lisa's running everything around here.

You gotta check with her. She running things at the job

and at the house.

Wait, uh, no. She ain't the boss, bro.

You know how I get down, you know.

Oh, I get it. I completely understand.

I don't wanna cause any rifts, man.

Lisa is the boss. You gotta talk to the boss.

You just the assistant manager. You wanna talk to the manager.

I mean, me myself, man, I'd just like to say

I'm your childhood friend and if I gotta stay on the street,

so be it because the boss won't let you let me stay here.

Okay, enough with this boss stuff, man.

You got it twisted. Y-you know what?

As a matter of fact, man, I am the boss.

- You are. - I'm running things around here.

- You better go get the treadmill. - This is my house.

- This is your house. - But you need a place to stay?

- I sure do. - Then I got you.

- That's what I'm talking about. - Say no more.

Way to run your house, man.

You know what I'm talking about?

Hey, hey, Ton', where you going?

I'm gonna go run it by Lisa, make sure it's cool.

**

I'm gonna just tell her straight up, "Look,

Donnie's staying here. It is what is it.

What you gonna do about it, huh?

I don't wanna hear no back talk."

Hell, that ain't gonna work. Oh, this might do it.

I'll just say, "Look, Donnie is a friend in need

and I'm a friend indeed."

No, that's corny as hell. That ain't gonna work.

- Come on, man. - Hey!

Hey! Hey! Uh, Lisa, we need to talk.

Oh, okay. Can you help me unpack these groceries?

- Yes, dear. - So what you wanna talk about?

Uh, it's nothing. It can wait.

No, Tony. You had a serious tone in your voice.

- What's up? - Well, it's about Donnie.

- Oh. Is he all right? - Yeah, he's cool.

Well, actually he's not.

This boy done messed around and got evicted.

Aww, that's terrible.

Ain't it? That's a shame.

And, you know, he was talking about maybe he could

stay here until he finds a new place, but I nixed that

in the bud right away. I was like, "Mnh-mnh."

No, no. Bad idea.

Bad idea. Terrible.

What was I thinking? But it might, you know,

maybe, maybe it's not

- such a bad idea per se. - Oh, no, Tony.

That's not gonna work. I don't want outside company

living under my roof, I just don't want it.

Well, I don't think you'd even realize that he was here really, you know.

( groans ) Hey, what's up, Lisa?

I didn't even hear you come in.

Hey, y'all gotta get some new milk, man.

This one says it expired. Wait a minute.

On second thought, I don't trust the man

telling me when not to drink.

( gulping )

( gags ) The man was so right on this one.

Anyway, thanks for letting me stay here.

( exhales ) Donnie's a friend in need

- and I'm a friend indeed. - Tony!

You told Donnie he could stay here without consulting with me first?

- I gotta run everything past you? - Uh, I just thought

- we made decisions about this house together. - Yeah?

Well, I thought I made decisions about my business on my own.

Oh. Oh, okay. That's what this is about.

Yes. You ran up into my office

throwing people out, making me look stupid.

You know what? You're right.

I am? I mean, yeah, I am.

Yeah, you're right, Tony. You should be able to hire

yourself whatever assistant you want.

And as a matter of fact, I have the perfect one in mind.

She's smart, she's capable, sexy.

Oh, you talking about that girl Melinda? Yeah.

She's real qualified too. I was thinking about--

- You wasn't talking about Melinda? - No.

Oh, uh, well, then who?

Hello. This is Stallworth and Wife Construction.

How may I help you?

Yes, all your needs can be met.

Oh. Oh, hi, Mr. Johnson.

- ( mouthing words ) - Yes, he's here.

Yeah. Okay, he's available.

One second. Okay.

Lisa, what are you doing? I was trying to tell you

I'm not here. I don't wanna talk to him.

I'm not gonna lie for you.

Okay, that was not a part of my job description.

Best thing for you to do is face your problems head on,

Tony, all right? Line one.

- Hello, Mr. Johnson. - ( indistinct )

Yes. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

You're absolutely right and I'm sorry about the delay in your payment.

Okay. Check's in the mail. All right.

See how easy that was?

Easy for you to say. You weren't just getting cussed out.

Look, the check is not in the mail,

so now I need you to go down to the post office and mail it for me.

Why can't you go, Tony? You're not doing nothing.

Unbelievable. Can you just please

make me some coffee with cream and sugar?

Fine.

And toss me one of those doughnuts, too.

Diabetes runs in your family, Tony. You don't need all that.

Then why'd you buy that big ol' box of doughnuts?

I hired you to be my secretary, not my nutritionist.

Okay, listen. I prefer the term "office management specialist."

And I really don't like you bossing me around.

I'm bossing you around because I'm your boss.

You know, you've had this real condescending tone with me recently, Tony.

"Take my calls! Get my coffee!

Donnie's moving in to the man cave!"

Who am I, Professor Klump? I don't sound like that.

Look, I see why you're tripping.

Donnie's only staying for a minute.

It's not like he's moving in.

Yeah, man! I'm moving in!

Ha-ha! Moving in!

Like this. Where am I gonna hang that thing?

Uh, fellas, cool. Perfect timing, man.

Do me a favor. Put that box in your hand on the floor,

delicately. You broke my vase last time.

All right, cool, you put that on top of that one.

And y'all can bring my dresser

and put that against the wall when you bring it in here.

I want it to look me straight in the face when I wake up.

All right?

Yep, baby, I'm moving in!

**

Ah, Bugs Bunny, you're so clever.

Donnie, what the hell?

Yeah, what the hell, man? Can't you knock?

I'm about to knock your teeth out.

- What is all this? - It's my stuff.

Okay, but what is it doing here? You're only here for a minute.

Should I be comfortable in that minute?

Besides, you the one that said make yourself at home.

- I never said that. - You didn't say that?

- No. - I could've sworn.

Well, maybe I heard what I wanted to hear.

- And a motorcycle? - It's tight, right?

How did you even get it down the stairs?

I know. It took everything outta me, man, the whole afternoon.

That's why I'm sitting on the bed now, chillin'.

Anyway, what's up with you?

Just came down here to vent.

Oh, man! Well, sit down!

Sit on a beanbag chair, man. Tell me all about it.

I ain't talked to nobody all day.

- It's Lisa. - Is she still tripping?

She had a smart mouth when you married her.

Man, would you just shut up and listen?

Now, she been working for me for two days

and she's already driving me bananas.

Th-this ain't gonna work, man.

I can't be around her 24 hours a day.

So fire her.

How am I gonna fire my own wife?

Have somebody else do it?

You know what? That's not a bad idea.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Yeah, man, you should listen to me more often.

- I'm full of good ideas. - And you gonna be the one to do it.

Hold up now. Flag on the play. Time out.

All that stuff. Freeze. I'm not doing none of that.

I'm not even the right person for it.

Now wait a minute, see, you need a job.

And she already has a problem with you anyway.

So I need you to be at my office at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.

Do I at least get a office with a view?

Yeah, the broom closet with a view of the dustpan.

Hard to get up, isn't it? It's that beanbag life.

- You want some help? - Yeah.

Yeah, I thought so.

Hey, man, can I at least borrow a suit? I gotta look the part.

That's true, that's true. This is what we gonna do.

All right.

**

Uh, Tony?

Why do you still have files from 2002?

You know, what you need to do is take all this old paperwork,

file it in file folder boxes and then put 'em in storage.

You see what I'm saying?

And you know what, another thing.

Am I getting paid for mileage?

Because gas is really high

and all these trips back and forth and back and forth...

( gibberish )

- It fluctuates. - Donnie!

There you are, but you are two hours late.

Oh, sorry about that, man. It took me forever to get

that motorcycle started, especially up them stairs.

Whatever, whatever. At least you're here now.

Yeah, and why is he here?

Uh, well, you know, I noticed that we're missing an HR department.

Donnie needed a job, so I hired him to head up HR.

You know what? I'm-I'm gonna go get

them filer folder boxes you was talking about,

'cause I'm sure that y'all have plenty to discuss.

( chuckles )

- ( door closes ) - HR, huh?

Yeah, and since we're on the subject,

what does HR stand for again? Is it "hourly rate"?

- Human resources. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Right, right, right. My bad about that.

Uh, and speaking of which, since I am the head of

human resources, I have been going over these books.

- Oh, is that right? - That, you damn right it's right.

And as I've been going over 'em, I've noticed that there are some

overhead costs that are exceeding the revenue stream.

Oh, that's a lot of big words for you, Donnie.

You're damn right, but let's not digress, okay?

But since we're on the subject,

we need to make some cuts around here, and unfortunately for you,

I gotta fire your ass, Lisa.

Is that right? Me? I'm the sacrificial--

- Let me see those books. - Here you go.

- Yeah. - Take a look at 'em.

- All right. - Let's look together.

You know what? Looks like we're making the same salary.

- Fair is fair. - If I was no longer working,

- there would be no humans to resource. - Technically.

Yeah, and that would alleviate the whole need for a humans resource department.

- I mean, I see what you're saying. - Yeah, you know?

I work so I can keep a roof over our heads,

and you are currently living with me.

So if I can't pay the mortgage--

We need you to pay that mortgage.

I just ordered cable and the whole nine downstairs.

Well, if I can't pay the mortgage,

then you would have no place to stay.

Mmm! Can't have that. You know what?

You're right. I'm fired, and I hate getting fired.

I'm a go. Are you still cooking tonight?

You do the thing with the chicken and the marinara.

This way? Okay.

Oh, hey, Lisa. Do me a favor.

Can you help me push-start this motorcycle?

My engine been trip-- You still tripping' off the job thing?

I fired myself! Okay.

**

( Devin laughs )

So I'll see you at the movies later?

No, you cannot bring your boyfriend!

Are you tripping?

Oh, oh, he's buying?

Oh, all right. For sure.

( bass beating )

What is that?

What the heck?

( sighs )

( bass beating )

What the hell?

**

Hey, Devin, you cool?

Yeah, fam. I'm chillin'.

There it is.

- Donnie, who are all these women? - Hey, man.

I don't know! I found 'em on a stack of resumes at your office.

I called every number. They felt like coming through.

Okay, but what are they doing here?

( sighs ) They are here for the turn-up, brother.

I'm about to turn you upside down and hang you out the window

if you don't get these women outta here before Lisa comes home!

- ( Devin laughs ) - What? Devin?

Uh, excuse me, ladies. Can I talk to my 16-year-old son?

Yeah, 16. Damn shame.

But I'm damn proud. Just like his daddy.

Tell your mom, I'll kill you. What you doing downstairs?

You know, I was just upstairs chillin'

and I heard a party going on, so here I am.

Boy, if you don't get your black ass up them stairs!

Really? For real?

All this fineness going on and I can't hang?

Can I at least have one of the honies tuck me in?

Oh, yeah, sure, soon as I get this belt off to whip that ass.

( laughs ) Hey! All right!

Listen. Excuse me for a second?

Excuse me for a minute.

What happened? I thought you were supposed to fire Lisa!

Man, first, you are way too close to my face.

Number two, you've married a rarity, man.

She got beauty and brains, you know what I mean?

She turned everything so upside down,

at the end of it, I fired myself.

Now believe it or not, I'm still gonna get

my paycheck at the end of the day, brother.

Donnie, get these women out and then you get out.

( laughs )

I'll get them out after I'm done.

I'm not going nowhere. I got squatter's rights.

The minute I moved in here, I got more rights than you

and Lisa put together.

Now, if you get a little amendment together,

I'll help you pass the ballot, but that's the law.

So until then, Donnie stays.

Now if you'll excuse me.

Ladies, could you have a seat? I'll be right with you. Cool.

Could you excuse me, brother? You are infringing on my space right now.

- What? - Y'all having a good time?

I'm glad we got black, white, and Asian.

This is a good situation we got going. Brother?

Would you mind dipping? I have a little private business to attend to.

I'm trying to make the world meet each other.

**

**

( sighs )

- Lisa, we gotta talk. - Tony, I gotta talk to you.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't be trying to switch stuff around on me now.

Now, there's only one way to say this, so I'm just gonna be blunt.

- Okay, but listen. - I'm tired of listening.

Now, there comes a time when a man has to put his foot down.

And guess what? This here's that time.

Now, this situation here, it ain't working out.

- But, Tony-- - But nothing!

I'm just gonna come right out and say it, okay?

- Lisa, you're fired. - Oh, you can't fire me.

Yes, I can! I paid the cost to be the boss.

You can't because I quit.

Oh, Lisa, really? Why?

Oh, okay. Come on, cut it out.

We both know this situation wasn't working out.

We're a team, man.

We're not supposed to be bossing each other around,

not at home or at work.

But I did take the liberty of finding my replacement.

Hey, Mr. Stallworth.

Am I being punked?

I looked through the resumes

and she was the most qualified candidate.

Oh, all right. We're cool, cool.

I guess you can finally get that boot off your car, right?

Oh, you believed that? That was a lie--

I mean, joke.

Did you really believe you was hired?

'Cause that was a joke, too.

Okay, see, now, Tony.

I'm just kidding. Welcome to the family.

Uh, you mind getting me some coffee?

I'd be happy to. You take cream and sugar?

Uh, just cream. I got all the sugar I need.

- Aww. - ( chuckles )

Well, I guess I'll get going.

Oh, uh, actually there's one more thing I need you to help me with.

**

I never understand these shows. This is another housewife?

- Mm-hmm. - How many they got?

- I don't know. They on a roll. - I see.

"Housewives of Compton"? Is that it?

How ghetto is that?

Excuse me. I think y'all forgot something.

Oop. They're about to fight.

- Oh, there it is. - She going in!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh-wee. She should not have done that.

Hey, who do you-- Put me down!

Y'all just gonna let Ludacris and tall Tyrese take me outta here?

Get me outta here! I am furious! I got squatter's rights!

Let me down! I'll be back!

And don't nobody touch my cereal I left downstairs!

**