Original subtitles

**

Tony, do you realize we haven't said a word to each other all evening?

Girl, that's not true.

Weren't you just saying something about the weather?

Tony, that was the radio, yesterday.

Oh, yeah, that's right, that's right.

That five-day forecast was cray-cray.

Don't you think it's a little weird

that we're just not saying anything to each other?

No, no, I'm trying to watch TV and you painting.

What you want to talk about?

Okay, let me just mute this here.

What you want to talk about?

Whew, I mean, I don't know.

(groans)

How was your day?

Good.

Would you like to know how my day was?

Not really.

I'm sorry. Yes, yes.

How was your day?

It was good.

Good. Good.

Yeah. Yeah.

(clears throat)

So, uh...

You want to talk about the kids?

No, I don't want to talk about the kids.

What do you want to talk about?

I don't know, Tony.

But we were so in-tune when we were dating.

I mean, we would talk so much,

we would even finish each other's sentences.

Now it's like we can't even--

Let your husband watch his TV in peace?

You been working out. That was a good one.

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fees *

* Kids keep talkin' back to me

* Family time

* Family time, family time family time **

**

(clock ticking)

You know what, this is-- this is sad.

This is actually really, really crazy.

We have nothing to say to each other.

What do you mean?

You always talk about how I talk too much.

Now I don't say enough?

It's not how much you say, it's what you say.

Okay, what do you want me to say?

I don't want to have to tell you what to say.

Okay, tell me what's going on in your life.

You women are crazy.

You always want to know what's going on in your man's life

and you around me all the damn time.

Just look around. See for yourself.

This, this going on around here.

There's not much to see since all I see is

the back of your head watching TV all the damn time.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've now come to the argument portion of the evening.

Baby, what's the matter?

Nothing's the matter.

I just want to know what you're thinking, Tony.

Okay, okay, okay, I'm thinking...

Has that toaster always been there?

All right, all right.

You want to know what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking, why don't we go upstairs and do something

that don't require any talk?

Oh, how ironic

because that is the only time you want to talk,

is when we're in bed.

I just want to know who your daddy is.

Come on, come on, I-- I--

You want to know what I was thinking?

That's what I was thinking.

Look, I can't just make up thoughts.

That's what every man was thinking.

My girlfriend Monique says that communication

is the most important part of a marriage.

Monique was only married three months.

And she said those were the best three months of her life.

Tony, really, how are we supposed to communicate

if all you ever think about is food, money, and sex?

Damn, is Kobe hurt again?

Oh, and I forgot, sports and your beloved Kobe.

What's wrong with that?

Let's compare marriage and sports.

They got a lot of the same qualities--

camaraderie, dedication, commitment.

Only difference is Kobe's never sweat me about what I'm thinking.

Whew, ooh.

That boy's on fire tonight.

Can I at least push record real quick?

**

(hooting)

That's what I'm talking about, number 24.

Still got them hoppers, baby.

Yeah, we about to get dumped on by the LeBron.

You remember, kinda like how I used to do to you

when we were kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I remember that.

Not never.

Cousin Dave, when did you sneak in?

Oh, I've been here about an hour.

Ay, look, y'all got to stop leaving your door unlocked.

Now, wait a minute,

I thought you were on house arrest.

They ain't say whose house.

Oh, okay, I'm gonna leave that alone.

But I do think it's cute,

you know, two cousins watching the sporting match.

What?

She means the game.

Oh, wait, now don't speak for me.

I'm using the technical term, okay?

It's a match between two sporting teams,

hence a sporting match, just like in tennis.

Now, uh, what dimension are they in?

The what?

Come on, Cousin Dave. That was a joke.

I know there's no dimension in sports.

What inning are they in?

Girl, it's half time.

Oh, who's performing? Beyoncé, Alicia Keys?

No.

That's only in all-star game, okay?

We get commercials, and after that there's a whole 'nother half.

Girl, you ain't been interested in sports

since you was a cheerleader in high school.

What are you doing here?

Uh, it's my house.

Okay, suit yourself.

We're not watching "Basketball Wives,"

we're watching basketball husbands.

For real.

Yeah, and I want to watch the game with you.

I was thinking about what you said yesterday,

and you were right.

I can't blame you for thinking about sports all the time

if that's what you like.

It's up to me to take an interest

in what you're interested in.

You can't be serious.

You want to get into sports

just so we have something to talk about?

Yeah, and I want you to take up painting,

and, you know, some of the things I like.

Hold on, hold on.

What dimension am I in?

Oh, now who is number 33?

Who cares? He's a bench player.

It don't matter.

Oh, he is so cute. They need to play him more.

He just threw the ball over the backboard.

Now, how many points is that?

Okay, look, I appreciate what you're doing,

but let's do this some other time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, bro.

Your lady is trying to learn about sports.

You should encourage that.

And do the fingerpaint she asked you to do.

'Cause when I was locked up in San Quentin--

hold up, was that Chino?

Anyway, painting was a good way

to get my aggression out.

Had to avoid that red and blue, though,

which was challenging to my creative aesthetic.

You know what I'm saying?

'Cause those are two of the primary colors, man.

See, Tony, that's why Cousin Dave

is one of the few family members of yours I actually like.

Thank you, Lisa.

And you are one of the few women of Tony's that I like.

Thanks for stopping by, Dave.

Oh, shoot, I gotta get back to the house anyway.

Oh, but hold up.

If my parole officer comes through,

y'all didn't see me.

Cousin Dave comin' out.

Cousin Dave? Huh?

Break yourself. What?

Come on.

Oh, shoot, I was just testing you.

Make sure you ain't get...

(Lisa) Mmm, mmm.

Okay, now who is that?

Why are they all in such good shape?

When are you start going to get in shape, Tony, huh?

When you gonna start getting in shape?

'Cause you said you were gonna start doing cardio like five months ago,

and you still haven't.

(knocking on door)

Hey, what you doing here?

Well, Ellen and I were just in the neighborhood doing Pilates

and we thought we'd stop by and say hello.

Oh, who's Ellen, you may be asking?

I was thinking that.

Hey, what's up? I'm Ellen.

Yeah, she's Ellen.

Ellen and I have been seeing each other

for the past couple weeks,

and I thought it was time for her to come

and meet my little sister.

Oh, okay, well, it is nice to meet you, Ellen.

Nice to meet you, too.

Rachel told me a lot of good stuff about you.

And now that that's all out of the way,

what the hell do you got on?

Oh, this?

Tony and I were just watching the game.

You don't even watch sports.

Hold on.

Is he forcing you to watch athletics?

Is he?

Because you're your own woman.

You can choose what you watch and what you wear.

No means no.

Right, baby.

No, actually, it was nothing like that, you see.

It was actually my idea.

You know, me and my husband were just taking interest

in each other's interests.

Oh, here we go. So let me guess.

You're gonna pretend to, what, like sports,

and he's gonna, what, paint?

Exactly.

Oh, thank goodness you said that.

No, no, like Rachel was telling me

that you were like this good artist,

and then I saw that hideous piece on your easel,

and I was just...

you know, I was appalled.

But I mean, knowing it's your husband

and he's like trying to connect with you,

I think it's really cute.

It's a terrible piece of art, but it's cute.

Um, Ellen, was it? Ellen, right, okay.

Uh, my husband hasn't started painting yet.

I painted that.

Ooh, oh.

Oh, you mean like when you were just starting out.

No, I get it.

That was from last Tuesday.

Whoo, Lisa, you look so cute in that outfit.

You know, we better go.

I'm so glad you guys finally got to meet.

It's really not that bad. I can't lie, it's terrible.

It's just horrible!

(door closes)

This is phenomenal.

This is a beautiful painting.

It's a beautiful piece of art.

How could she say that?

**

Ooh, the nerve of her.

To come up in my house, criticizing my artwork.

"Oh, that was such a hideous painting.

Rachel said you were such a great artist."

What does she think she is?

Look, I'm sure she didn't mean it like that.

What does the word "hideous,"

what does that mean to you, Tony?

She said that? Yes.

She used that exact word, "hideous"?

Yeah, that's pretty bad. That's pretty bad.

Now, me personally, I thought it was a wonderful painting.

What was it a painting of?

I don't remember.

But I remember passing it in the living room

and thinking it was a wonderful painting.

Come on, girl, who cares what she thinks?

Yeah, you're right.

There it is.

Show me what you've got.

Girl, you know what I got.

Ha ha. Very funny.

Come on, where is it?

Where is it?

You didn't have a problem finding it this morning.

Come on, Tony.

Where is that painting you were supposed to try your hand at?

I thought we agreed.

Look, Lisa, I love that you have your hobby, okay,

but it's just not my thing.

Yeah, well, that's kinda the point.

We're supposed to be getting into each others things.

That's what I'm talking about, girl.

Get out of them jeans.

Come on, Tony, can't you be serious?

You really didn't do the painting.

I sat through that whole stupid game for you.

You ruined that whole stupid game for me.

Ruined? Excuse me?

I think you need to rethink that comment.

Okay, Lisa, Lisa, look, I didn't mean it like that.

I'm just saying, you know, why can't we just be

into our own separate things?

You do your thing, I do my thing.

Then we come to bed and do the tan-ta.

How about you get nothing thing?

How about that?

Lisa. Yeah.

That's how you feel?

So what you saying is, sometimes you don't want me around?

Exactly.

(chuckles)

I mean, what did you say?

Did you say, sometimes you don't want me around?

'Cause I don't have to be around.

No, no, no, no, no, just sometimes.

You know, when the game's on.

Or when I'm thinking, you know.

Trying to relax. Have some of that "me" time.

You get it, right?

So then it's cool if sometimes I don't want you around?

Totally.

Like when you totally focus on that laundry,

I am not trying to get in your way.

Okay, well, why don't you just get totally focused on that couch?

'Cause sometimes I don't want you around, Tony.

Like, like in this bedroom. Tonight.

I am not sleeping on that couch.

Oh, you don't have to sleep on the couch.

But you ain't sleeping in here.

I can sleep mad all by myself.

Believe that.

What? (door slams)

(muttering)

You don't want me around? I don't want you around!

How about that?

Sleep on the couch... (muttering)

Babe, what exit is it?

Babe, what exit we getting off at?

Babe, I'd check my cell phone,

but I'd rather concentrate on the road

to make sure that we don't crash and die.

You're welcome for that, by the way.

That was our exit.

You know, that would have been a lot more helpful

before I drove past it.

Oh, I'm sorry, was me giving you directions,

was that important to you?

Isn't it hurtful when someone that you love knows what you want

and just, just ignores it anyway?

It's hurtful, right?

Okay, okay, I see your point.

I'll just get off at the next exit.

So is this what we're gonna do?

Just not talk to each other?

Uh, isn't that what you wanted?

I tried to watch the game with you and talk sports,

but you made it very clear

that you didn't want me around.

Of course, I want you around.

That's why I'm taking you out to dinner, hello.

I didn't want to be in the bed with you last night,

and I really don't want to be in this car with you right now.

What makes you think I would want to go to dinner with you?

Okay, all right, you know what?

Let's not fight, let's just go out,

have a nice night, okay?

If it happens to lead to some make-up sex,

I'm willing to do that.

Tony, where?

Anywhere, girl.

We can get it in right in here, girl.

These seats recline. You know I'll get down.

Tony, where are you taking me to dinner?

Oh, remember, I told you that Cousin Dave recommended

an Indian food spot,

the one that I had you get directions to, hello.

Do you not remember that I don't like Indian food?

Girl, talking about West India, Jamaica.

(chuckles) Wow.

Of course, you don't remember.

Us not sharing hobbies was a symptom of a bigger problem.

We don't really know each other, Tony.

Come on, Lisa.

So you don't like Indian food, okay.

You know what, tell the truth,

I don't really like Indian food either.

See, we got that in common, too.

Let's go get some Italian.

No, take me home, Tony.

Okay, all right, all right.

That's what I get for taking recommendations

from a brother that likes prison food.

Go for one of them iron grilled cheese sandwiches, though.

They kinda...

**

Lisa, did you really make Tony sleep on the couch

these last few nights?

The way I see it, Tony made himself sleep on the couch

the last few nights.

And how did you know? Did he call you?

Told him to stop spreading our business.

I'm your sister. I know these things.

You know, Ellen and I were just having a conversation

about how you should not let your arguments bleed into the next day.

Ellen? You still with Ellen?

Mm-hmm. Things are going great.

That's funny. (chuckles)

I thought, after what happened the other day,

you would have kicked her to the curb.

For what? What she do?

Insulted me?

Remember "hideous painting"?

Girl, you still on that?

You never have my back, Rachel.

If I was dating somebody and they offended you,

I would cut them off.

If that were the case, you'd be single right now.

I swear, sometimes you are such a spoiled brat.

I am not a spoiled brat.

I just like to get my way.

So, what, am I supposed to just put my happiness to the side

because Ellen didn't like your hideous painting?

Yeah, I said it. The painting was wack.

You're my sister.

You're supposed to dash my dreams and clown my work.

But she's some random chick off the streets.

She don't get those privileges.

So choose.

This Ellen chick or me, your sister.

Wait, I know you did not just give me an ultimatum.

Don't worry, I'll wait.

Keep waiting.

And while you're waiting,

why don't you invest in an art class?

Yeah.

Oh, you just lost your door privileges.

You take the servants' exit.

What servants? You ain't got no servants.

Don't you touch that door. Don't you touch that door!

Don't you touch that door, Rachel!

**

Oh, there you are.

I, uh, I brought you another blanket.

Baby, can we please end this fight?

Think one of the coils in the couch shifted an organ.

Look, I'm doing what you said, okay?

Look, I'm painting, I'm painting, huh?

Check this out, your boy Picasso ain't got nothing on me.

Who is that supposed to be?

Baby, that's you. Look at it.

It's like looking in a mirror.

You could make the hips a little smaller.

Hey, my bad, I took creative license.

Hey, I just came down here to tell you

that I was wrong.

You? Impossible.

No, no, I was forcing the issue.

And we shouldn't be forcing ourselves

into each other's hobbies.

I don't know, kinda digging this painting thing.

Uh, no, what I think we should do is just

find a new hobby together, you know,

something we both are interested in.

Cool, I'm with that.

You like Cubans?

Girl, ain't nothing like a fine Cuban cigar.

Cousin Dave got a hookup.

Now, you know I don't like no cigar smoke.

How about video games?

I'm an adult, okay?

I'm talking about doin things.

I'm not sure exactly what,

but I'm sure we can find something.

I got this little book of hobbies. Okay.

Let's see, I'm sure we can find something.

Ooh, that looks good.

That looks fancy, right?

Why don't we try that?

Yeah, let's do it, let's do it.

(inaudible conversation)

(no audio)

(inaudible conversation)

(no audio)

(no audio)

(no audio)

Oh. Oh, man.

Whew, I am gonna be so bruised tomorrow.

You know, you didn't have to hit me

with so many paintballs, Tony.

I was trying to win.

You didn't have to knock me off my motorcycle either.

Well, I was trying to win, too.

This isn't working, is it?

You think?

**

Girl, this what I'm talking about right here.

Yeah, this is nice.

Is hot-tubbing a hobby?

'Cause this is something I can get behind.

In fact, I'm sort of an aficionado in it.

Yeah, I have to admit this is really nice. Mm-hmm.

But I just wish we could have found a hobby to share.

Girl, why?

We share the house, we share the kids.

Girl, we share our lives together.

Not to mention these sweet bubbles.

That's right.

And I have to admit I appreciate

the fact that you even tried.

Mm-hmm, I heard that.

I know some brothers that wouldn't even try at all.

I got one cat that literally hides from his wife.

I almost never have to hide from you.

I hide. I hide from you.

That's my alone time.

But you know what, while we're sharing

this nice ambience and this nice champagne,

why don't we share one of these nice Cubans, huh?

Okay, well, as long as it's with you,

I am all good.

And you know what?

Even if we don't always have something to say to each other,

you are the person I enjoy not saying anything to.

Mmm. Mmm!

I heard that.

Why don't we take a moment

and enjoy not saying anything to each other right now?

Mm-hmm.

(panting)

There you two are.

The front door was locked. It's the weirdest thing.

So what did you do? Scale the fence, Spider-woman?

You didn't see the "no trespassing" sign, Rachel.

Oh, yeah, I saw it.

It was right next to the sign that says,

"My sister is too good for you."

Where's your little art-critic friend?

Oh, you talking about, "Wassup? I'm Ellen.

Nah, it's cool."

Please, you'll be happy to know I ended things with her.

You're my sister and you were right,

so I chose you over her.

Besides, she's not really my type.

And she knew nothing about art.

Exactly, I really have to agree.

Like look at that. That is a beautiful self-portrait, Lisa.

I told you.

Did I tell you it was spot-on? I told you.

Come on, those are not that big.

You know what, since you here,

why don't you grab a glass-- Okay.

All right, you got any more of the Cubans?

I might, I might.

Oh, about that Ellen thing.

She dumped you, didn't she?

Please, I'm Rachel. Ain't nobody dumping-- yeah.

She kicked me to the curb.

Aw. (laughs)