Original subtitles

And I told those girls, like Michael Jackson,

"The kid is not my son."

(laughing)

Rodney, you crazy. You ain't tell her that.

You know I told her that. I knows a lot.

What's up, everybody? What's up, everybody?

My people. What's up, Tony?

I've been looking for you all day, man. Where you been?

You got that money you owe me?

I don't have your money,

but I had it when I was looking for you.

But you got money for a haircut, though, huh?

Don't worry about what me and Larry got worked out, okay?

Man, we ain't got nothing worked out.

Either I can cut your hair or I can cut you.

Does that work?

Larry, not in front of everybody, man.

You can talk to me like that in private, brother, all right?

Now, look, what I need to know from you is

how many are in front of me.

What he meant, uh, was take a seat right here, bro.

I got a empty seat, I'll tighten you up, I'm nice, too.

As tempting as that sounds,

I'm gonna have to pass, brother.

Maybe I'll, you know, wait for Larry or Rodney or--

I'll take my man cut. Do you cut?

I tell you what, first cut is on me.

Just go and hop in the seat.

I will give you $20 for me not to sit in the chair.

I'm gonna go ahead and hold tight.

I'll be over here, brother.

Now, go on let the youngster cut your hair up, man.

While he at it, he can take care of them back hairs.

(giggling) He told you about that.

Hey, man, I told you in confidence, dawg.

I can't ever get no love up here.

It's the way you dress, man.

Tell him, Ton. You wouldn't get no haircut

from a brother wearing skinny jeans.

Not when they're hanging that low.

Yeah, y'all keep laughing now.

I can get this whole place cracking.

Yeah, speaking of cracking, pull your pants up.

Man, look, look, Quincy or Quigley, or Quentin-- whatever your name is--

see, now, being a barber is not about, you know,

an overnight success.

It's about taking your time

and building up a client base that trusts you.

I tried to tell 'em,

let me set up a MySpace page for the shop.

You want to be a barber?

All you need is a steady hand

to tighten up that line.

Ow!

Right here. Yeah.

Right here.

Like I was saying,

this is not a sprint.

It's a marathon.

Barbers come and go, man.

How you think I been in the game so long?

Your daddy gave you the shop.

And your daddy gave you this unibrow, but ain't nobody--

Let me-- Hey, hey.

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fees *

* The kids keep talking back to me *

* Family time

* Family time, family time

* Family time

**

Yo, Rod.

I was driving by, and I saw a line up the street.

What's going on? Ask the young fellow, man.

Oh, I came up. That's all me.

Yeah, but he did some type of computer wizardry,

and all of a sudden all these tattoos and piercings

and the cast of "Black Twilight" came out of nowhere.

Wait. Computer wizardry? Mm-hmm.

I don't know what he's talking about, man.

Honesty, I just took some pics of some cuts I did

and posted them online.

Tag the right people, they all re-Vined, re-Tweeted, repost,

and the rest is history.

You can't hate on the young player

if he's bringing in all this paper.

So, uh, which one of you

skinny-jeans-wearin' fools want a cut?

Oh, no, that's old school.

He cool, man. Let him cut you up.

Old school? Man, I'm getting crazy--

Hey. Brush---

Listen, trust me, okay?

Look, this is gonna be your name on Tweeter.

Old-School Rod, that's gonna be you.

Okay, okay.

Hey, everybody, follow at Old-School Rod.

Look at that. Two, three, four, five.

Damn. They all do.

Check that out, though.

Man, that's... that's fast, dude.

It's quick. Okay.

(laughing) All right, let me...

let me try it out, then, you know what I'm saying?

So, uh, who want a cut from "at Old-School Rod?"

Hey, hey, hold on.

You are first.

Uh, who wants a cut... at empty chair dot here?

So, you wanna watch "Real Housewives of Section 8"?

Yeah. Oh, that ratchet fest is my guilty pleasure.

Mm-hmm. I think they are the only TV stars who can't afford

the cable package that their show is on.

(knocking) Hi!

Oh, I know you girls are not having an afternoon cocktail

without your big sis.

Well, grab a glass, why don't ya?

Damn, she's thirstier than the girls on that show.

Yes.

Okay, I'm glad you're both here.

There's something I need to tell you.

I'm having a baby.

Whoa, wait. What? How? What?

What-what are you talking about, Lori?

I'm having a baby.

Just like I said.

And that's just what it is.

Okay, well, that's a shocker,

but first off, you need to ease up off that wine.

Now, let's talk about this.

Who is the father?

I'm not so sure.

You're not so sure?

Lori, what-what are you talking about?

You're too old for that.

What are mom and dad gonna say?

Well, I was hoping congratulations, for starters.

Okay, congratulations. Now, who the hell is the father?

I'm thinking about using a donor.

Lori, you can't be serious.

Yeah, I mean, you've been anti-baby since we were babies.

Look, this is not about you guys.

This is about me,

and this is a choice that I made.

I'm not asking for your approval,

I'm just letting you know what time it is.

Okay. Okay, I respect that, but I wanna know why.

Why the sudden change?

Look at me.

I never imagined my life at 40

would be this big, huge albatross.

I don't have anyone to take care of me when I'm old.

So that's the only reason you want to have kids?

You do realize that you gotta take care of them

before they can take care of you?

Yeah, Lori, don't you think your reasons

for wanting to have a baby are just a little bit self-centered?

I suppose you're the only one allowed

to live the American Dream around here.

Lori, your life is not so bad.

I mean, you have a successful career as a...

What does she do? I'm a paralegal!

And I ain't even a lawyer.

I couldn't pass the bar... five times.

I don't have a man in my life.

Lori, okay, you cannot control

when the right man comes into your life.

No, but I can control having a baby.

Ladies, this is not the 1920s.

Women are perfectly capable

of raising children on their own.

So, you-- You've been really been thinking about this, huh?

I even went to a fertility doctor.

Well, then I guess, uh...

go on and get yourself a do-it-yourself kit

and make yourself a baby.

Okay.

To having a baby.

(softly) To having a baby.

Well, I'm not pregnant yet.

**

(door closes) What's up, Rodney?

I came as soon as you called. What's happening?

My man. Ha ha.

Man, you know what?

Thinking abut making some changes around here.

Yeah.

I was thinking a lot about what that young buck was saying, man,

and I hate to admit it, but...

he's got what they-- what they call, uh...

...swag. Yeah.

Okay, so what kinda changes you gonna make?

You gonna start wearing your pants hanging off your ass or something?

I'm talking about changes to the shop.

I want to bring up to speed, make it more modern.

The shop has been the same for 57 years.

This neighborhood needs a barber shop,

not some trendy, you know, hairstyling center.

Exactly.

Which is why I'm relocating.

What? Relocating?

Yeah. Where to?

Over to the Westside.

Why do you wanna go to the Westside?

Look, this-this is where your roots are, okay, your whole client base.

What about us?

You know how much money I stand to make on that side of town?

So that's what this is all about? Money?

You're damn skippy.

You see this tip jar next to my station?

Come on, man.

Look, I'm even changing the name.

I'm going from Magic Shears to Instacut.

I even got somebody working on the app.

I don't even know what an app is,

but I'm gonna get me one.

Man, I've been getting cuts here since I was a kid.

(sighs) Man...

Okay, so you gotta drive a little further,

spend a little more money.

Okay, a lot more money.

That's not even why I called you.

I called you here because...

I want to contract you to do the build-out for the new spot.

I don't know, Rodney.

It just feels wrong.

Feels wrong? Yeah.

I hear you, man.

Tell me, uh...

tell me how that check feels, though.

Oh, that check feels right.

Yeah, buddy.

I can't believe you're really doing this.

Believe it.

Picking your future baby's daddy off a website.

Well, it's better than picking him out of a bar.

And with this, I don't have to date a guy for six months

to figure out he's an idiot.

It's all laid out before me.

They're prescreened and ready for mama.

Oh, look at this one. 6'3", green eyes.

Your baby gonna look like Michael Ealy.

Yeah, on steroids.

Oh, look!

But he was the captain of the swim squad in his college.

And lookee here.

His family has a history of webbed feet.

No wonder your boy's gonna be a strong swimmer.

Nuh-uh, we don't want no mutant baby. Next!

(laughing)

Oh, my goodness!

"Princeton undergrad, John Hopkins Medical School."

Oh, child, I'll be fine. I can pick myself a doctor!

Dang, this thing needs to come with phone numbers.

Mm-mm, you're gonna have to wait 18 years

for the kid to look him up.

Uh-oh, and look it here, Your doctor's only 5'3".

Ohh, your baby's gonna grow up to be Gary Coleman.

(both) What you talking about, Lisa?

(both laughing)

Don't you think this is a little bit weird, Lori?

I mean, you know, picking a man off some trivia

and planting a seed up in you?

How you even know they check these things?

Hmm. Lisa's got a point.

I mean, if he's such a super successful doctor,

then why is he selling his soldiers online for laundry?

I don't know.

Aren't there any guys you actually know

that might be able to help you out with this situation?

Well, I have given this some thought.

But the only guy that I know who's kind,

good with kids, has proven genes

and can put up with my mouth is--

What's up?

What's going on?

Hey, get this.

She wants me to be the father.

Hold up. Wait, wait. Hold up, hold up.

Let me get this straight.

Lisa's sister wants you to give her a baby.

What the hell is this word coming to?

Now, what is the big deal?

Just-- just do what you do at home.

But instead of a sock, use a cup.

I use Kleenex myself.

Anyway, I'm with Tony on this one, man.

I mean, what are you supposed to be to the kid?

You supposed to be the father or the uncle?

Yeah, I don't want my kids to be "brousins."

I got a couple brousins. What's wrong with that?

Oh! Brousins!

Like they cousins, but they're brothers. I get it.

But what if it's a girl?

Would it be a like a "sisaunt" or a "sauntie?"

Well, I got a "brunkle" and a "smaunt."

Hey, everybody, I got some great news for my wallet.

The shop's moving.

Moving? What are you talking about?

That's right. My main man Quentin

found us a spot on the Westside,

and I'm going for it.

Man, I ain't moving nowhere.

Oh. You're fired, then.

Oh, yeah? Uh, Westside did you say?

Yeah, I'm-I'm cool with the Westside.

Hey, and it's a great location, too.

We gonna have so much space to sell jeans,

I'm talking hair weaves,

I'm doing piercings, all that.

You opening up a barbershop or a swap meet?

Now, I know your dad Rondell when he first opened this shop,

and Rondell would not be too happy

with you throwing it all away.

First of all, my dad's name is Sam.

Right. You can't move, man.

My dad brought me here for my first cut.

I had my first kiss in the alley behind here.

I met my wife here.

You married my ex-wife!

And you're a son of a bitch for letting me go through with it.

You don't have to worry.

Real quiet over there, Ton.

Why don't you say something, man.

You got memories, too. No comment.

For the record,

Ton is the contractor that's working on the new spot.

What?

What part of "no comment" didn't you hear?

Say it ain't so, son. You're selling out.

I'm not selling out.

I just compromise my morals for financial gain.

Look, I tried to talk him out of it.

I told him that this was the center of the community and all that.

Look, y'all can be mad at me if you want to,

but it's too late.

It's a done deal.

There's a new business coming in next month.

(laughing)

Rodney, what are you laughing at?

Oh, man, I'm still thinking about "brousins."

It's like "cousins" but "brousins."

That's hilarious!

**

What-what's going on? Is it mom? Is it dad?

(crying) It's me!

(Lisa) What do you mean, it's you?

Remember when I told you I went

to the fertility doctor the other day?

I got the results back,

and it turns out it doesn't even matter

who the donor is.

With my history of fi-- fi-- fi--

fibroids,

my chances of having a baby are slim to none!

Oh. Come here.

(crying)

Okay.

Well, your only other option is a surrogate,

but where are you gonna find a woman who's healthy,

with good genes, who's attractive and...

Oh, hell, no.

Why not? You're perfect.

I know I'm perfect,

but you're not about to have me messin' up my body

with a bunch of stretch marks,

looking like a Bengal tiger for the rest of my life.

You know what? You have always been like this.

Always been like what?

A selfish shellfish.

Growing up, I was always there when you needed me.

I always gave you the clothes off my back.

Those were hand-me-downs.

How dare you call me selfish

when you just decided to have a baby, what, two days ago,

and all of a sudden I'm supposed to rent out my womb?

Lori, maybe you're right.

Maybe you're not meant to have children.

Oh, well, that's easy for you to say, Fertile Myrtle.

I mean, really, you've already got your family.

Okay, what, I'm supposed to feel bad

because I have children and you don't?

You're acting like we're obligated to do this for you.

Look, I didn't ask you. I know you're married.

I asked Rachel only because she's single.

I would never ask you to do something like that.

And you know you wouldn't have to ask,

because if it's something that really means that much to you,

I'd consider it.

(scoffs)

Oh, baby.

You know, Larry,

I think Pops would say I'm doing the right thing.

Uh-huh.

Well, maybe he'd reach down from the heavens and say,

"Boy, you better put my damn photo back up on the wall."

(laughing) Knowing my father, he had to reach up.

Man, I'm gonna miss this place.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have agreed to build the new place.

You wanna come to my house and pay my bills, Larry?

Do I get all the benefits?

I'd ask for your benefits, but I've seen your wife.

Hey, man, why don't you tighten me up one last time for old times' sake?

You know what? This one's on the house.

I gotcha, babe. My man.

But the next one's gonna be double.

Are you sure about this?

I mean, this place is an institution.

Sorry, Tony, it's done.

Free Rodney's Shop!

Rodney, boom-by-aye! Rodney, boom-by-aye!

You can't sell this place, Rod.

And before you say anything, brother, yes, I owe you money,

but this shirt was free, as you can see.

Next thing, this is an establishment

that we have built together as a community, brother,

and you need to stand by it.

So, in honor of my protest, I'm going on a hunger strike.

Want some potato chips, brother?

Yeah, yes, damn, I'm so hungry.

Oh!

Don't get it twisted, though,

I'm breaking my fast right now,

but the revolution starts on Monday,

and it will not be televised, brother.

(cell phone ringing) Hello?

What? Hold on.

No, no, you can't do this.

No, I've got a contract!

Hello? Uh... What happened?

Man, the people that's supposed to take over this lease,

they're pulling out.

So, what does that mean, you staying?

No, it means I'm going bankrupt

paying for two locations.

I'm screwed!

**

(door opens)

Baby, I just had the craziest day.

What's wrong with her?

Uh, Tony, can we talk in the kitchen?

This is my house. Can't they go in the kitchen?

Or better yet, their kitchens?

Go in the kitchen.

Baby, what's going on?

Tony, I wanna have a baby.

Are we back on this baby thing again?

No, it came out wrong. I-- I wanna have a baby for Lori.

Tell your sister to grow her own babies!

(softer voice) Tell her to grow her own babies.

Let's just say she doesn't have any more...

fertile ground.

So she wants to use my pasture?

Our pasture.

Your pasture.

Okay, I'm sorry for calling you selfish.

I forgive you.

(slowly) And you're sorry for calling me selfish, too.

I guess.

Look, you know I would do anything for you.

You want a baby shower? I got you.

But there are just some things that are off the table,

like...my lady parts.

I know, I know I was wrong.

I'm sorry.

It's just this whole "having a baby" thing

is driving me crazy.

It's like my biological clock has got me ticking.

If you think this is a good idea,

then I support you... and your sister.

Oh, thank you, baby.

Ooh!

That was so sweet!

That's what family's all about.

Ah!

But I can't have you carrying my baby.

What? Lori, can't you make up your mind

about one damn thing in your life?

Okay, okay, okay.

Maybe I was being a little too dramatic

about the whole baby thing.

I mean, I thought that having a baby

would help me make a family.

But I realize that I've already got a family.

All of you are my family.

And there is no family

better than the one I already have.

I love you guys. Love you.

All right.

I know that I was talking a lot of mess earlier,

but the truth is,

if you really needed one of us to have your baby...

ain't no way it was gonna be me, okay?

'Cause, uh, stretch marks ain't the lick.

Besides, you ain't gonna have me walking around

looking like I'm wearing a corduroy jumpsuit every day.

Okay, whatever. Where's the wine?

I ain't having a baby now.

You know where the wine is.

**

What's going on? You back in business?

Hell, yeah.

Can't keep a good institution down.

I knew my protest would work, man...

until Miss Jenkins starts selling them plates.

Man, it through the whole revolution to a screeching halt.

Man, your life is gonna come to a screeching halt

if you don't pay me for some of them haircuts I gave you last week.

Come on, Larry! Let that go, man!

That's in the past, brother!

My pockets are a little light right now.

Can you get off my back?

Then how you got money for Miss Jenkins' plates?

Don't worry about how I got money for Miss Jenkins' plates.

That's for me, Miss Jenkins

and her husband that's always out of town.

All right, brother? Do you get the message?

Tony, I thought about what you said.

I thought about what all of y'all said,

and I thought them pulling out of the lease was a curse,

but it turns out it was a blessing.

But aren't you gonna go bankrupt?

No.

Hey, the young buck has got A-1 credit.

What? Yeah!

He convinced me he could make a go of it,

so he's taking over the lease at the other spot.

He's my personal government bailout.

So, Rodney's gonna stay, baby.

All right! Yeah!

I-I still get to--

You still get the bid on the other spot. I got you, man.