Original subtitles

[snoring]

[banging]

Tony, did you hear that?

Huh?

Did you hear that?

Hmm?

Oh, girl, go back to sleep, it's late.

Unless you want some of that thang.

No, Tony, I'm serious,

I think I heard somebody downstairs.

Should I-- should I call the police?

Girl, we live in a white neighborhood.

You call the police, they're gonna come arrest us.

Relax, man, I'm sure it was nothing.

I'll check it out in the morning.

What if somebody is in our house, Tony?

Well, then tell them to be quiet so I can get back to sleep.

[crashing]

I think there's somebody downstairs!

Do something.

Oh, oh, right, right, yeah, yeah, all right.

I'll go check it out, you stay here, you stay here.

No, unh-unh, I'm not staying in this room by myself.

Come on.

[rustling]

If anybody is down here, you about to get blown away.

That's right.

Don't make me plug this in!

Girl, don't let 'em know it ain't plugged in.

Tony, the door is open!

Oh, damn.

Somebody was up in here.

At least they didn't take nothing.

Except the TV.

Aw, hell no, not the TV!

Let me turn on the news and see if there's been any reports--

Aw, damn!

How they gonna leave the remote!

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me ♪

♪ The bill collector's want their fee ♪

♪ Kids keep talking back to me ♪

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time

What a lovely turn-out

for our first neighborhood watch meeting.

You know, I wouldjust like to take a moment

to thank Tony and Lisa Stallworth

for letting us use their lovely home.

Yes, AKA, the scene of the crime, um-hmm.

My TV!

Oh, Tony, yes.

Yes, it was tragic to hear of your missing television.

You know, I for one will not rest until there are

no more missing televisions in this neighborhood.

Right? Absolutely.

Okay, so for our final order of business, oh...

[Tony snoring]

we need to elect a neighborhood watch president.

Any volunteers?

[snoring]

[yawning]

Thank you, Tony!

Yes, yeah, abs--, well...

All in favor?

Aye.

[all] Aye.

What the hell?

All opposed?

Are you always a jokester?

No, it's settled, it's settled.

You are the new neighborhood watch president.

Meeting adjourned.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

You guys get home safe.

[woman] Thank you, thank you.

Have a great night.

Tony, thank you so much for stepping up to be president.

But, um...

But it is a huge responsibility, I know, I know,

not to mention a huge time-commitment.

Yeah, but--

But after last night, Tony is, you know, he realizes

the importance of this neighborhood watch group.

And he is-- he's so happy to help out

in any way that he possibly can.

Well, I for one, will sleep sounder

knowing that big Tony is watching over us.

Oh, thank you so much.

Of course, mwah.

Mr. President, you sleep well.

Thank you, Cheryl.Bye-bye, all!

Bye.See you later!

Be safe.

I'll try.

[door closing]

That's messed up.

I can't believe you volunteered me

to be president of the neighborhood watch.

I didn't, you did.

You should've stayed awake.

and besides, it's a good thing.

You know, we were lucky that they were gone

when we came downstairs.

83-year-old Mrs. Lewis walked in on her burglars.

I know, that burglar lucky he made it out alive.

It's common knowledge that black women over 80 have no fear.

How are you gonna scare somebody that looked slavery in the face?

She's 83, Tony, not 183, fool.

It's hard to run out of the house with stolen merchandise

while somebody's beating your ass with a switch.

[mimicking elderly woman] Boy, didn't I tell you about all that breaking and entering.

Move your hand, move your hand, move your hand...

You stupid!

$6,000 for a security system?

It would cost me less to get robbed, bye!

Wow.

Sounds like they're the ones doing the robbing.

We'd be better off getting a dog.

Tony, we need to talk about something.

Oh, if this is about last night, that's my bad.

I should've warned you that I was

up to chapter six in the "Kama Sutra".

Don't worry, I'll give you time to warm up and stretch tonight.

[chuckling]

Not that, silly.

We need to do some estate planning.

Neither one of us has a will.

Why, is there something you ain't telling me?

Are you okay?

Wait, wait, am I okay, did the doctor call?

No, we are fine... for now.

But this whole break-in situation has me thinking

that anything could happen.

I mean, what if you were to choke

on that sandwich right now, what would I do?

Hopefully, the Heimlich maneuver before I choke to death.

You know what I mean.

Well, look, If anything happened to either one of us,

then the surviving spouse and the kids would get everything.

What's to plan?

No, I mean, what if something happened to both of us?

Like. say we were driving and the car just flew off a cliff?

And then it just started toppling over and rolling over

and rolling over and then a bus just came and smashed it

and it burst into flames

and then they couldn't identify our bodies?!

Yeah, we need to stop going to sleep with the TV on, okay?

Ooh, I got a better one.

What if we went to sleep and then we woke up.

We was dead and the autopsy report

proved that we were poisoned?

Then it would be obvious we ate dinner

at your mother's house the night before

and you ate off my plate when she wasn't looking, obvious.

And the he irony is that my mother loves you.

Look, I don't even really wanna think about us not being here.

I know.

And to be honest, I really don't care who gets what.

What concerns me most is who gets the kids.

Hmm.

What happens to them?

Well, one thing's for sure.

They won't be eating dinner at your mama's house.

♪

Thinking about the kids?

Yeah.

I called to check up on Devin.

He said he's having so much fun at Marty's,

he wants to move out.

That's half the problem solved.

Well, at least Ebony called to say hi.

Did she ask about her old man?

No, she said hi and hung up.

Really hung up.

Wow, this whole estate planning thing

kind of has you putting things into perspective, doesn't it?

It sure does.

You know I was thinking.

If anything ever does happen to us,

the kids should just go stay with my parents.

Yeah, well, you know, that's one option, honey, but, I mean,

the school is actually closer to where my parents live,

so I think that might be the best choice for the children.

That wouldn't really be an issue.

The kids would inherit the house so

my parents could just move in here.

Besides, my parents have the same last name as our kids.

Yours don't.

What's that got to do with anything?

And besides-- no, your mother is too bossy.

She would drive the kids crazy.

Your daddy's too stuffy, he'd bore 'em to death.

Don't talk about my daddy.

Don't talk about my mama.

Lisa, this is stupid.

We're arguing over a hypothetical situation.

Yeah, you're right, you're right.

Besides, it only makes sense that the kids

could go and stay with Todd and Vivian.

And they can just move in here.

Your brother and sister-in-law are too bougie.

The kids would grow up with misplaced values.

And besides, Rachel or Lori

could move in here just as easily.

Your sister be giving her opinion when it's not asked for.

Which one?

Both of them.

Look, we can go back and forth on this all day,

but the logical choice is still my parents.

Your dad has no backbone.

Okay, Devin would grow up letting women

just run all over him.

What?

My parents have been married 40 years.

He must be doing something right.

Besides, your mama's so fake...

My mama's so fake, what?

That's it.

You know what, whatever, let's stop talking about this.

This is what we're gonna do, okay?

Let's make a list of all the pros and cons

and then invite everybody over for a barbecue tomorrow.

That way we could, we could screen everybody

and see who would be the best legal guardian for the kids.

Ah, I see, like a group interview

without them knowing it.

Girl, you so smart, that's why I married you.

Wait a minute, who's gonna pay to feed all them--

Nice people?

They're family, Tony.

[grunting] I know, I know.

Hey, Lis!

Tony, what is all this?

Oh, you know, when I get involved in something,

I'm all in.

So as president of the neighborhood watch,

I was out putting signs on everybody's front yard.

Okay, that's great, but did you get the charcoal?

Oh, man, I forgot.

I'll go back right now-- oh, oh, here's what I just saw.

83-year-old Miss Lewis and old-ass Mr. Davenport

knocking boots.

Knocking boots?

Unh-unh, nobody says that anymore,

that phrase is "hell old".

Yeah, so are they.

They didn't even bother closing the blinds or nothing.

I ain't seen that much sagging skin since Paula Deen.

Ain't nobody robbing that house again.

Umm, oh, guess what else I saw?

You know, Mr. Evans?

Lettuce ain't the only thing growing in that greenhouse.

Tony, you been over there

patrolling, snooping or... [inhaling] sniffing.

I'm just keeping my ear to the streets.

You know, how the president knows

what's going on in the White house?

Yeah, well, what's happening in this Black House

is that we have company on the way

and no charcoal for our inaugural barbecue.

Oh, that was good, that was good, Black House, White House.

Girl, you missed your calling as a comedian, 'cause you--

I'll go get the charcoal.

Yeah.

Tony?Hmm.

I just want to thank you and Lisa

for having us all over for dinner today.

Oh, family gatherings are just so important.

How important is family to you, Mom?

Oh, very.

Without family,

you have no sense of who you are in the world.

So how about you, Mama?

How important is family to you?

If I had to choose between a family reunion and a root canal,

slap on the mask and turn up the gas.

You don't really feel that way, do you, Mom?

Oh, but I do.

Oh, of course she feels that way.

Tony, of course she does.

Uh, Aunt Vivian, what about you?

How do you feel about kids?

OH, um... wow, there is a reason

that Todd and I don't have children.

You're just gonna put Todd on blast

like that in front of everybody?

Oh, it's got nothing to do with Todd.

His swimmer's are at an Olympic level, no, um...

I'm just not good with children.

If I'm around them for longer than an hour,

I just break out I hives.

Now children, that's another story.

There is nothing more important on this earth than a child.

Hmm, hmm, I heard that, you can say that again.

Nothing...

More important on this earth than a child.

Those were her exact words.

[whispering] Nothing!

Hmm, well, my mother, she absolutely

adores children, don't you, Mom?

Don't you just love children?

Of course, I do.

Especially now that you're all grown and out of the house.

What?

I never knew you felt that way.

I can't believe you said that.

I can.

After raising you three?

She done her time.

Well, what about you two?

How do you feel about kids?

No maternal instincts at all?

No time for them.

Did she really just ask me that?

Okay, I'm saying, well, what if it were Devin and Ebony?

Who? Are you really gonna ask me that?

Your grandkids, Mom.

Oh, Devin and Ebony, I'm sorry.

No, like I said, with family,

it just gives you a sense of who you are in the world.

But they just take up so much of your damn time.

Mmm, preach.

I need to go check on the meat outside.

Um, yeah, but, excuse us.

How's everything, gentlemen?

I was just telling everyone about your first beer, son.

Oh, yeah, I must have been, what, 22, 21?

Try 14.

It was at Christmastime.

You two kept begging me for one so I gave you one.

And you threw up all night.

It was disgusting.

The throwing up, not the beer.

I liked it though.

The beer, not the throwing up.

Well, as a judge,

I can't tell you how many young black men

I've had to incarcerate behind the misuse of alcohol.

It's a travesty.

See, that's why Viv and I have decided not to have children.

It's too much responsibility.

And she always gets hives if she's around them

for more than an hour, it's... the weirdest thing.

Yeah, we heard all about it, Michael Phelps.

Well, I feel my greatest achievement

was raising my three daughters.

Aww... thank you, Daddy.

I feel the same way, Carl.

I'm proud of my two boys.

I think I did all right.

Thank you, Father.

And there's no way in hell

you can pay me enough money to do it again.

Ha-ha, not in a million years.

Raising kids after 50 would be like pledging my fraternity.

Going in, you know you're going to get your ass kicked,

But you're glad you did it when you finished.

But you know there's no way in hell

you're ever gonna do it again.

You got that right.

So none of you would ever want to be around children again?

Oh, baby.

All of us here, we all love children.

More or less.

And I can speak for everybody here,

that if we had to raise kids again, would we want to?

[all] Hell, no.

I rest my case.

Baby, baby, baby, relax.

People are gonna start to get suspicious.

Lisa, what's wrong with you?

Yeah, baby, are you okay?

Too late.

I'm fine.

Well, you're not acting fine.

Now Lisa, what is going on?

Are you well?

Well, you do look a little pale, relatively speaking.

Honey, did you go back to Dr. Gibbs?

Are you seeing doctor?

Are you pregnant?

Is it twins, triplets?

[gasping]

I am your mother and I have a right to know.

I am fine, okay, I'm not pregnant,

it was just a check-up, that's it.

Oh.

What's with all the questions about kids?

Are my grand babies all right?

Yeah-- as a matter of fact, where are Devin and Ebony?

Look, the kids are fine, okay?

What has gotten into you, Lisa.

Do you expect men of our age to be raising kids again?

Why are you asking them about raising children?

Lisa, look, I know you just said you went

to Dr. Gibbs and he gave you a check-up.

But did he tell you anything else?

You can tell us.

Lisa... what are you not telling us?

Mom, stop it, don't cry, don't cry, okay, just, listen.

Tony and I just decided to do

a little bit of estate planning, that's all.

Oh, no, my baby's gonna die!

I have not had enough time with you.

Nobody's going to die!

Come on, stop lying.

I'm not gonna die.

You're not?No.

Oh.Gosh.

You scared me to death.

Dry your eyes.Oh.

No, you scared yourself half to death.

Lisa didn't say anything about dying.

Well, she gave me plenty to infer from.

I can't help it if I'm a critical thinker.

I'm just glad it wasn't my Tony.

What about the rest of us?

I'm sure you're glad it wasn't Tony too.

Lisa and I decided to do some estate planning

just so that we're prepared

in the case that something happens to us.

Yes, and to be honest, we're not convinced

that any of you have what it takes to raise our children.

Excuse me?

I hear the foster care system

has made strides in recent years.

Don't be silly, Vivian.

If anything happens to you two,

Darius and I, obviously

will take custody of the children.

Obviously?

Whoa, there's a couple more grandparents here in this room.

And Aunties, I'll have you all know

this is a Parcheesi from Ligi... bag right here?

I am well equipped and so is Rachel

to take care of your two children.

Um-hmm, okay, first of all, this is a knock-off, so knock it off.

Unh-oh!

Second of all, I'm not into kids like that,

okay, they eat a lot...

You are a kid!

[all shouting]

Please, calm down, please, I have something I have to say!

Okay, I know that each and every one of you

love Devin and Ebony, okay?

And that if necessary,

each and every one of you would be there for them.

Tony and I, we know that, right?

Yeah, so don't take it personal if you're not the ones

that we choose to put on the estate as a legal guardian,

it's just a formality.

We know it takes a village and you're all our village, huh?

Or are we the the village idiots?

I found your little pros and cons list in the trash.

Oh.

So, does anybody want to hear what Anthony and Lisa

really think about us?

Don't do that, please...

[all talking at once]

Okay, okay, hey, hey, hey, all right now, hey, listen.

This is my house, all that yelling, y'all relax,

please, go sit down, please, pretty please.

All right?

I wanna know the cons.

I get you, just sit down, okay and we'll straight all this out.

Now brother, give me that.

Not so fast, little brother.

I think everybody should know

exactly what you two think of us.

Now, you don't have to do that, Todd.

Oh, I think I do.

Let's see.

Mom, you're too bossy.

You'd drive the kids crazy.

Judge Calloway, you're too stuffy.

You'd bore them to death.

Dad, apparently, you have no backbone

because you allow mother to run all over you.

Hmm.

Rachel and Lori?

Oui?

You two give your opinions when they're not asked for.

Oh, I think that's ridiculous.

And I think that shirt around your neck looks stupid.

Really stupid.

Vivian, you and I are too bougie.

Being around us they would grow up with misplaced values.

Oh, now, that's true.That's very true.

And you, Mr. Calloway, are faker than a three-dollar bill.

Are you calling me fake?

I didn't write this list.

Look, we can explain.

Three-dollar bill, really, you wrote that part down?

We can explain.

Allow us to, please, if you don't mind.

No need, we'll see ourselves out.

No, no, let them explain.

No-no-no, we owe you an apology, okay?

All right, now.

The reason why Lisa wrote that list--

Tony?

Oh, I'm sorry, you're right,

we were supposed to keep that between us.

The reason why we, wink-wink, wrote that list is because--

I don't know how you could let your wife

say those terrible things about me.

If anybody's feelings were hurt, we sincerely apologize.

Son, I--

Darius, let's go.

Yes, dear.

Well, I'm right behind you

'cause I got a -- at the house anyway.

Lisa, you've been jealous of me since you were four days,

four months old.

Tony, can I borrow ten dollars, it's happy hour.

If you don't get your little alcoholic self home.

Come on, Donna.

We're leaving, too.

I would say goodbye, but it would probably come off fake.

Mom.

I will not forget this, Lisa.

How dare you.

Mom?

[laughing]

Vivian.

Hmm, and that's my clippity-clap.

Bougie, huh?

Well... if the shoe fits.

That went well.

OH, yeah, I think so.

I had no idea it would be so difficult

choosing a legal guardian for our kids.

Well, I've decided.

I think your parents should be the legal guardians.

What?

Yeah, your daddy's a judge.

I mean, that'll come in handy for Devin down the road.

I was just about to say,

I think your parents should be the legal guardians.

You don't even like my mama.

Ebony is about to be a teenager.

Payback's a bitch.

[chuckling]

Okay, okay, how about this.

How about we make both our parents the legal guardians.

You know what, that is the best idea I've heard all day.

Deal.Deal.

Okay, now that that's settled, Mr. President,

you thinking what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking it's been awful quiet around here

since I was elected president of the neighborhood watch.

It's been two days, Tony.

Well, my first term's off to a good start.

Come here, first lady, help me get sworn in.

Ooh, girl.