Original subtitles

♪♪ [upbeat music]

[Lisa] Baby?

I've got some big news.Congratulations.

I didn't even tell you what it is yet.

Whatever it is, I'm sure it's fantastic, baby.

But right now, I'm in the middle of defending

this space colony against these punks online.

It isn't often that, uh, you know, the kids

are at their parents, and I get to play uninterrupted...

till now.

I got a job, Tony.

Oh, that's what's up, baby.

What is it, a teaching gig?

No, no, I got a job

where I can actually make my own hours.

Hm, private tutoring.

No, have you ever heard of Global Root?

It's this-- this really amazing company,

and they sell these great skincare,

and weight management, and nutrition products.

Oh, great, I'll get you a bunch for your birthday.

No, I already got some-- a lot, actually, to sell.

I mean, but the products pretty much sell themselves,

so it's hardly a sales job.

And you know what the best part is?

Is I get to recruit others,

and they can sell the products for me.

And then, I will pretty much be making money in my sleep.

Isn't that great, baby? Tony?

It's a pyramid scheme, Lisa, wake up.

What, excuse me?

Usually, I like to break these things to you gently,

but right now, I'm in the middle

of a particularly tough intergalactic battle,

and I ain't got the time, so I'ma just get

right to the point.

[sighs] You're being scammed.

Get your money back.

Tony-- I mean, come on.

Can you be supportive for once?

I'm trying to make a career choice here.

Again?

Since the kids were born, you've changed careers

like you change your drawers.

Shall we go down the list?

Substitute teaching, prepaid legal,

Myra Jay Cosmetics, and you didn't even stick

with it long enough to get the hot pink town car.

And now, you wanna sell RoboCar?

It's Global Root.Whatever.

Look, get-rich schemes are not a career,

and I've always been supportive.

Well, can you be supportive and buy some Global Root?

Absolutely not.

Okay, well, fine, but I do want you to know

that I am hosting a dinner party here tomorrow night

with all my friends and family

so I can present this amazing product to them.

Whatever you say, baby.

And one more thing...

♪♪

[Rodney] Who you been letting cut your hair?

Was he blind?

Tell me you pressed charges.

Rodney, you were the last one to cut my hair.

Get outta here.Mm-hmm.

Okay, okay, I mean, now that I--

I'm at the wrong end-- bam, okay, that's good.

Are you good, brother?That's real good actually.

Ah... ah.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.Ah!

Get-- say it, Lassie.Ah!

Fire at the barn?

Lit-- Little Timmy fell down the well?

Lloyd.

Lloyd.

Who the hell is Lloyd?

Lloyd Hayweather and Marco Pasquial

are gonna be fighting this Saturday night.

It's gonna be huge, thought y'all heard about it.

Man, you must be on the late freight, man.

They've been promoting that fight for six months.

We got the poster right over there.

That sure is the poster.

Man, that fight gonna be off the chain,

the biggest fight I've seen since Ali-Frazier.

Hey, I ain't seen a fight this big

since I was at Michael Vick's house that time.

I told y'all about that.

I hear you... dog.

Anyway, we gonna be having the Pay-Per-View at my crib, man.

Y'all gotta come kick it.

Uh, no offense, dog,

but your house smell like feet.

But-- but check this one out.

I got the ultimate sports satellite package

and a brand-new 60-inch flat-screen HDTV,

and y'all are all invited to come and watch.

Yo, yo, you got the 60-inch in the man-cave?

That's crazy-- that's great news, dog.

I-- we're about to be poppin' like stoppin',

you know what I'm talking about?

Get my sleeping bag, call my mama.

I'm moving in, don't tell me no.

Okay, uh, slow your roll, playboy.

Look, I am a family man,

so I've made the decision to put the 60-inch

in the living room so my whole family can enjoy it.

It's not in the man-cave.

Family man?[both snicker]

Translation, my brother--

you gettin' punked by your woman.

I mean, I'm trying to figure out

who wear the drawers in the family.

Is she wearing boxers, or is she wearing briefs?

I thought she had leggings on all the time.

All right.

I mean, um, drawers 'cause she--

um... I don't know.

I'll see y'all at the fight, man.

Hayweather versus Pasquial-- mm, mm, mm!

Man, I'm gonna miss it though, man.

I gotta take my son on his camping trip.

You know, a little father-son bonding.

Rodney, I did not know you had a son.

I didn't either till I got that friend request on the Internet.

[laughs]

♪♪ [upbeat music]

Ah! Hayweather-Pasquial.

Never thought I'd see the day.

Uh, baby, what're you doing?

And is that what you're wearing?

That's a little casual.What're you talking about?

Did you forget about the dinner party, Tony?

The dinner party?

Oh, the-- the-- the dinner party.

You-- you talking about your dinner party

that you're having here tonight?

That dinner party?That's the one, yeah.

Girl, I didn't forget.

That's why I laid out all these little snacks,

and beers, and stuff.Oh, okay.

Well, thank you, baby, I appreciate that,

but can you just go get changed?

I got the food covered.Got you.

[doorbell rings]

Did you hear that?Somebody's early.

It is-- it did sound like the doorbell, didn't it?

Oh, but that's-- that, uh, that's-- that's the gardener.

You know how I be forgetting to pay them?

They probably trying to get their money.

They did a good job last time.

You gotta pay them.Didn't they?

Oh, you know, I'm gonna tell them about that now.

Why don't you go pick me out a blazer or something?

Gotcha, baby, okay, that's a good idea.

[laughs] That's my special girl.

What's up, playboy? Are we good?

All right, check this out, Ton.

These are the homeys, man.

Homeys, Ton, this is Blue, Black, and Vest.

Vest don't really talk that much,

so you gotta talk to him through the eyes.

Anyway, this is an amazing TV that you've got

set up in this living room.Listen here, listen here.

Chatterbox, this is what I need you to do.

I need you to grab them drinks, okay, and them stuff.

Y'all get up, we moving this downstairs, all right?

Homeys, get the snacks.

I don't really do manual labor like that.

Hey, man, why are we moving downstairs?

Man, if you don't get your black ass down them steps--

go on!

Okay, so we just gonna chill down here, all right?

I'm gonna hook up this cable box

so we can watch the fight.

I got a question.

Where the wires at?

Aw, brother, you gotta get more techno-savvy, man.

It's wireless.

So you got cable without cable?

I don't trust it.

And the second question is why are we down here

and that nice-ass 60-inch is upstairs?

Here's the deal.

I totally forgot that Lisa had

this little dinner party thing going on upstairs.

So what we're gonna do is watch the fight down here

and not interrupt what she got going on upstairs.

Oh, come on, Ton, can't you control your woman, dog?

Huh?

I'm tired of this, man-- what's next, brother?

We can't come over when the street lights is on, huh?

Is she gonna be dressing you as well, brother, huh?

Ain't nobody dressing me.

I wear what I wanna wear, and that's all

I'm gonna say about it, okay?

Look, she been on my back

about me not supporting her lately, okay?

So y'all can either watch

Pasquial versus Hayweather down here,

or you can watch Stallworth versus Stallworth up there.

[laughs] That depends.

Is the other Stallworth gonna be baby-oiled up?

You know, with the legs out, the yams showing?

No, no, no.

But if you want, I can put on a movie for you.

Yeah, it's called "Eyes Swole Shut,"

mm-hmm, starring Tom "Bruise" and Nicole "Kill-ya."

Do you wanna see that movie? You sure?

All right, well, y'all shut up and watch it down here.

And keep your voices down, all right?

I'll be back in a minute.

♪♪

♪♪

I'm surprised to see you here, Mr. Barbarian.

Isn't there some big boxing thingamajig

to satisfy your bloodlust happening tonight?

Boxing? Yeah, I don't really follow boxing,

so I wouldn't know.[Lisa clinks glass]

I'd like to make a toast to everyone here.

It means so much to me

that you all came out tonight.

And just to thank everyone,

I have a pretty big surprise later on.

[all] Oh, cheers, cheers, cheers.

[Vivian] Mm.

And I'd also like to make a toast to Lisa

for having us all together.

And I-- and I'm glad we're all together

because I also have a surprise.

I'd like to share with you a very exciting opportunity.

Have you ever heard of... Global Root?

Wait, what?No, no, Lisa.

I was a bit skeptical at first too,

but then Vivian explained to me

about all the amazing weight management,

nutrition, skincare products,

and I have a tendency to be ashy, so--

I know that because I actually--

You know what? I have been hearing

a lot about Global Root.

It's, like, a multilevel sales thing, right?

Well, it's hardly a sales thing, actually.

The products pretty much sell themselves.

And you can make your own hours.

And, heck, you can make money while you sleep.

Yeah, yeah, and the best--

Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh-- make money? Continue, Vivian.

Vivian?Isn't that her name?

Okay, wait-- you know, this is actually really funny

that you bring up Global Root because--

[men] Aw.

Oh, what was that?

Hm? That? Oh, um--

I-- I think a raccoon got into the basement again.

A raccoon?Yeah, yeah.

Remember when I said I thought I saw a raccoon

trying to get into the event-- in-- in through the vents?

Let me go-- let me go take a-- check that out.

Uh, Vivian, keep telling them about Global Root.

It sounds completely legit and not a scam at all.

I'll be right back.

What'd I miss?Oh, man, Gomez just knocked Man-Man McCallister

to the third row!Oh, man.

Man, if the prelims is this off the chain,

the main event gonna be off the hook.

I know what you mean.

This ain't the main event?

Boy, you are dumber than a box of rocks.

You ain't right.

[Lisa] Tony!

But you are whipped.

[mimics bullwhip]

Ha! Why don't you tell her we're down here

watching "12 Years A Tony"?

"I ain't never had to fight this long."

Man, ain't nobody whipped.

I'm coming, baby!

Y'all just shut the hell up.

I don't know who she think she is

coming into my house with the Global Root.

That's my baby.Baby, that raccoon tried to put up a fight,

but he was no match for your boy.

I handled that.How dare she.

How dare she come up in my house

and try to hijack my dinner party

to sell her low Global Root?

Baby, weren't you gonna do the same thing?

[laughs] Are you taking her side?

'Cause I'm saying if you taking her side--

No, no, no, no, no, no, baby, no, no, I am on your side.

I'm on Team Lisa through and through.

You know what? Vivian is a joke.

I don't even like her to be honest with you,

you know what I'm saying?

Were you talking about my beloved?

Yeah, yeah, I was saying, um,

I don't like how that she's not over here all that much,

you know what I mean? We are a family.

We need to get together more often.

Yes, splendid-- how about Tuesday?

Tuesdays don't work for us... ever.

Okay, well, uh, we'll figure it out.

Get some wine.Okay.

Okay. [laughs]

All right, like I was saying, Lisa, you are the best, okay?

Now, if anybody can sell that Global Root crap,

it's you, all right?

Now, let's get out there and treat our friends and family

into some Ponzi scheme that they'll resent us for later.

Okay? You can do it.Thank you, baby.

Mwah, you're so right-- all right, I'm the best, I got it.

Uh-huh.

Oh! Yes.

Did you see that?

What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

Nothing, man, it's still the prelims.

The main event ain't even started yet.

Cool, cool, cool, Lisa's so caught up

on her little pyramid scheme up there,

she ain't gonna notice that I'm gone.

I'll kick it for a moment.

[TV sizzles]

[all] Oh!

Oh, no, no, no, no, what'd you do?

I didn't do nothing, that was you.

What'd I do?It's wireless.

I told you you needed wires.

Your wireless is what have us fight-less.

Let me call this company real quick.

Mm.

That always works.

♪♪

[Vivian] Oh, and here's your starter kit.

And congratulations, you're well on your way

to making a whole lot of money.

All right, well, I've got plenty

of these bad boys in my car, so who's next?

I'm right here, I'm right here, I'm next.

This is actually a funny coincidence

because I'm selling Global Root.

You know, and since there's a line forming,

and this is my house, why not buy from me?

Um, Lisa, may I speak with you for just one moment?

Oh, yes, yes.Okay.

Lisa, what do you think you're doing?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I'm selling Global Root.

Well, maybe you should sell it elsewhere, all right?

Stay out of my territory.

Your territory?

This is my house, Walter-White woman.

Well, maybe you should've claimed it first.

You're in the Global Root business, Lisa,

and I'm in the empire business.

So maybe your best course would be to, um, tread lightly.

[knocking on door]

Oh, I'll get, I'll get it, I'll get it.

Excuse me, pardon me, I'll get it.

Whoa! Hey.

Man, it's these gardeners.

Boy, I don't know what's wrong with them.

Okay, first of all, sir, I just wanted to apologize

that you're having problems with our satellite service.

You are one of our valued customers.

We don't want you to feel like we don't appreciate you, we--

Okay, listen, I don't need to hear about all that, okay?

Listen, my cable is not working.

What?

How are you gonna watch the Hayweather-Pasquial fight

if you ain't got cable, sir?

You need to get that fixed.

That's why I called you.

[laughs] You're right, you're right.

You did call me, right? That's why you called me.

I know, man, but, hey, if I get this fixed,

can I come kick it?

I ain't got nowhere to watch the fight.

Man, me and my girl got into this big ol' argument.

She kicked me out again.

I'm, like, "Give me my cereal."

She's like, "No, I'm--"Really, really, really?

Look, man, if you fix the cable,

you can kick it, not a problem.

I can fix it, but I'm gonna need to get up on that roof.

Now, serious question--

do you have a really sturdy ladder?

Sturdy.

You didn't bring a ladder?

You're not gonna report me, are you?

Man, I'm not gonna report you, okay?

Now, can you please just hurry your ass up and fix the cable?

Whoa, bubba, I don't need you getting all testy with me, okay?

You know what? I could leave.

No, no, no, no, no, please, don't leave, okay?

Just can you help a brother out here?

Yeah, yeah, man, all right, all right,

I'ma hook you up-- all right, look.

First thing I'm gonna need to do is take a look,

so I'm gonna have to scale the side of your house.

Can-- can-- can you do it quietly?

'Cause my-- my wife, I-- I can't have her know.

Brother, don't worry about nothing.

I'm very nimble and surprisingly light on my feet.

It's cool, I got you.

Well, what's the update?

Cable guy's here, should be fixed soon.

Good 'cause I ain't wore my good clothes for nothing.

Man, them ol' ass jeans?

These jeans ain't old, man, they vintage.

You know how many months I had to wear these

without washing them to get them to look like this?

Besides, like that Charles Barkley jacket

was ever in style.

Come on, man.

Whoa, whoa, where y'all going?

Upstairs!

No, no, no, y'all can't go upstairs.

She can't know y'all are here.Come on, dog!

You got potato chips, man.

You got a delectable spread up there.

Let us roll up-- plus, he gotta pee.

You know what?

All right, I got an idea.

♪♪

Okay, the coast is clear, come on!

Hurry up, hurry up.Where we going again?

The TV that way.

Man, if you don't get your ass out that back door.

Can I get some water?Brother, stick to the plan.

Hey, Lisa.

Yeah, I was thinking, um, you know, I got some buddies

that may be interested in buying some Global Root.

Should I invite them over?Please do, why not?

That little thug Vivian has totally edged me out.

[knocking on door]Oh, oh, that's them already.

Let me go let them in right quick.

[clears throat]

Hey, hey!

Welcome to my house for the first time this evening.

Thank you for having us for the first time this evening

'cause we have not been here before.

Now, I hear you and your friends

are interested in some exciting investment opportunities?

Most definitely, we are definitely interested

in investing in some of that delicious grub

that you have laid out-- are those sliders?

Homeys.

Hey, sister-in-law, we have a question.

Oh, sure, what's up?

Um, this is kinda weird.

These profit margins are, uh, kinda low on this product,

so it looks like the only way we're gonna get our money back

is if we recruit others.

So, if everyone is recruiting friends and family,

won't we run out of friends and family to recruit eventually?

Then somebody's gonna get scammed...

and it'll probably be me!

Vivian.

Huh, huh? Huh, what was that?

What was that, Todd?I didn't say anything.

Oh, excuse me, ladies, Todd needs me for something.

No, I don't.Come on.

Oh, yes, I do.

[glass breaking on roof]

Is there somebody on our roof?

What? On the roof?

Girl, you are tripping, ain't nobody up there.

Damn, did y'all feel that?

I specifically asked you for a sturdy ladder, brother,

'cause I got a big-ass raccoon up there.

It's gonna cost you extra.

[chuckles]

See you got appetizers over here, though.

Tony, who is that?

Huh?Who is that?

Oh, um, the brother said he wanted

to, uh, buy some Global Root,

so I told him to come on in.

Girl, you've got customers flying in.

I completely forgot.

I told the homeys about y'all landscape situation.

Would you mind if I showed them your landscaping?

Uh, yeah.

Bam, like that-- homeys?

I'm gonna make sure they get there.

You know they been trying to steal stuff.

Yeah, the brother in the vest look a little sketchy anyway.

A little birdie told me that you have

the professional fisticuffs on tonight.

Now, what're you talking about?Don't be coy with me.

You think I wanna be in here with these matrons

talking about Global Poop?

Okay, look, it's downstairs in the man-cave, all right?

But just be cool.

[chuckles] I'm always cool, brother.

All right.

Tony? What's going on?Huh?

What is going on?

Oh, uh, I think they-- they had to go to the bathroom.

Bathroom? I thought he said something about the landscaping.

Oh, the landscaping, yeah, but, you know,

I told them they should try--

they can see the bathroom from the landscape.

When you-- well, look, check it out.

See, uh-- [clears throat]

Ooh, uh...

Where'd everybody go?

Mm, um... I don't know.

You know what? Maybe they got lost

trying to find the other bathroom.

As a matter of fact, why don't you go look around back,

and I'll check-- I'll check back here to make sure they--

yeah, I'm gonna check real quick.

What in the world?

Tony?

[overlapping chatter]

What the hell is going on down here?

Yeah, what the hell is going on down here?

Yo, Pasquial's got him on the ropes

is what's going on down here.

Oh, really?So-- so-- so this is how you support me, Tony?

By undermining my dinner party?

Baby, I'm-- I'm sorry, I-- I wanted to tell you.

[all] Oh!

I want everybody out of my house now!

Really? I fell off the roof for this?

♪♪

♪♪

[Lisa] Tony, you take your homeys.

Everybody out of my house, please!

Tony, this is not the time nor the place.

Can you get control of your woman?

Relax-- look, babe, come on.

The fight's already on, can't they just stay?

Oh, really, Tony?

Now, you wanna undermine me in front of everybody?

I don't like repeating myself.

Everybody out!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I-- I can stay, though, right?

I mean to help fix what you just yanked out the wall.

And we can stay, of course, right?

Of course, sister privileges.

And-- and Viv and I have in-law privileges, right?

Oh, please, don't get me started on Miss Viv here.

What, me? What's wrong?

What-- what me? Don't play innocent.

How dare you play innocent, Miss Global-Root-Jacker.

Y'all know I've been having a hard time finding a job.

And when I finally find something,

I can't even count on-- on you, my sisters, my family,

my friends, nobody for support.

Baby, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-- you rockin' and pacin'.

I already know where you at with it.

Bring it down, okay? I apologize, okay?

Look, I should've been behind you 110%.

I'm behind you now, you feel me? All right?

I got this, okay?

Now, I think I have a way to fix this if you let me.

Listening.Okay, all right.

Uh, who wants to buy some Global Root from my wife?

We just bought some from Vivian.

Nobody? Okay, um, well, check this out.

Who wants to watch the rest of the fight

upstairs on the big screen?

Hey, hey!

Right, you too? And you?

All right, cool-- okay, let me rephrase that then.

Who wants to buy some Global Root from my wife

so we can watch the big fight upstairs on the big screen?

Huh, huh?

That's what I'm talking about.

Y'all better chop-chop, we on round six.

Come on.Come on, everyone.

Come, come-- my baby sister...

[announcer] And the winner by unanimous decision

is Hayweather!

[overlapping chatter]

Make it rain on my hand.

Let's roll, homeys.

Uh, excuse me, aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, no, do we have to?

Hey, hey, supply and demand, fellas.

The demand was high for the fight,

so now you gotta buy my wife's supply.

Line up.

Hey, uh, Lisa.

What do you say we go ahead and, uh, split these sales?

What do you think?Oh, sorry, Viv.

I'm in the empire business.

Thank you.

Todd, get in line.

Hey.

What if I was to tell you

that this was my whole plan all along?

Oh, then I would tell you that I don't believe you,

not even a little bit.

Now, break out your checkbook, Tony.

I'm doing this.

Oh, oh, you-- I get it.

You-- you're doing this for the family?

No, I'm doing this for me.

I like it, I'm good at it.

Now, get to the back of the line, Tony.

All right.

♪♪