Original subtitles

Hey, baby.

Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me.

No, you gotta be kidding me. You are playing poker online,

And you watching tv At the same time. No, that's just extra.

Don't touch that. I'm watching that.

No, it's watching you.

Baby, you are messing up The ambiance down here. Okay?

This is a man-cave. What's wrong with this picture?

Shut up. I need to talk to you.

No talking down here In the man-cave.

Only words allowed Are td, 3d and double-d.

- oh, what about ko? - that was the other one.

What's the problem?

Baby, I just Feel like you would rather Spend more time

In your man-cave Than with your wife.

We used to argue about Not having enough space,

Now too much space Is the problem?

I can't win for losing. I just lost another hand.

Okay, how 'bout this? Since the kids are away,

Why don't you and I play A little game of strip poker

Here in your man-cave?

Would you cut that out? You are somebody's mama.

Now move, I'm trying To win this hand right here. Ha-ha! There it is. Boo-yah!

Lisa. Lisa? Look, I'm just...

Ooh, full house. That's what I'm talking about.

* woke up And my wife said to me *

* the bill collectors Want their fees *

* the kids keep talking Back to me *

* family time

* scrub the dishes Take out the trash *

* history homework Sometimes math *

* the kids are gone, We're free at last *

* family time

* family time, family time

* family time

* family time, family time

- * family time - * oh, sing it again

* family time, Family time *

* family time

- hey, sweet love. - hey.

What, no chocolate kisses From my chocolate missus?

Oh, you talking to me? Nope.

The way you Ignored me last night, All I have for you

Is a snicker.

[snickers]

Baby, I'm sorry About last night, all right? I was on a lucky streak.

That rarely happens When I'm online.

Oh well, maybe you'll get Lucky again tonight...Online.

[doorbell rings]

- well, hello there. - hello. Hi.

- can I help you? - we're your new neighbors

The beaudrys. So nice to meet you.

- this is my hubby, jack. - that's me.

And this vision of loveliness Is my wife, cheryl.

Well, hello. Please come in.

- all the way in. - why thank you.

Well, I'm anthony stallworth, But you can call me tony.

And this beautiful, fine, Wonderful vision of a woman

- is my wife lisa. - nice to meet you both.

Oh, nice to meet you. We just wanted to pop by

And wish you a warm Windsor hills welcome To the neighborhood.

And to give you This basket that cheryl

Painstakingly Put together herself.

- this is beautiful. - yeah, she sure is.

Honey.

- oh, they meant the basket. - they meant the basket.

You're so...

Thank you so much.

You're so welcome.

I just know you and your family Are gonna love it here.

There's a really Rich history in these hills.

- oh, is that right? - yeah, as a matter of fact,

Ray charles used to live Right around the corner.

Ike and tina turner Just on the other block.

Get out of here.

Oh, I thought we were Having a lovely visit.

Oh on, I didn't Mean get of here...

- oh, I got you, didn't I? - she's funny.

But you know, We do have to scoot.

Yeah, yeah. Our boys play Baseball over at summit field,

Coached by yours truly.

Who's the team mom?

Oh, I can't Forget the team mom, Because you are

The love of my life.

I loves being your wife.

And I love you. I love you more.

Well, I hope You enjoy your basket. It's sort of what I do.

It's beautiful. It's beautiful.

- thank you, honey. - thank you.

- thank you. - no, thank you more.

Say tony, Do you play any golf?

Not really. I'm more of a poker Type of dude.

Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. Well, I'm just checking,

Because tomorrow morning I have tee time

And I sure could use Another player.

Speaking of tee time, lisa You'll have to join

The ladies and I for A little tea one afternoon.

- oh, I'd love to. - oh, good. Good.

- good. - okay.

Well, I guess we should Make like a bad check and

- bounce. - bounce.

Oh, raise the roof Every now and then.

Okay. Okay.

Cup of sugar anytime, okay?

- all right, bye, bye. - nice to meet you.

- we'll get out of your hair. - thanks again.

- bye, bye. - bye.

Okay.

[laughter]

Wow.

I knew we were moving To your side of the town

With some bourgie black folks, But I didn't think We'd be actually

Be living next door To the "boujays."

The beaudrys, tony. And they were very nice.

Yeah, yeah. Nice and corny.

Why they gotta be corny?

Because they're not afraid To complement each other

And show their love And do things together?

- well, here you go. - yeah, here I go out the door.

- where you going? - to the gym.

I've got A hot date with zumba.

- lisa, baby... - I know, tone. You love me.

And I love you, too.

But I'm really just afraid Moving into this big house

Has put space between us And our quality time.

I mean, As corny as it may sound,

I do like a little Public display of affection Every now and then.

- are you serious? - I am.

You know that? You can learn a little something From our neighbor jack.

Please. I can't learn Jack from jack.

I was gettin' it.

- come here, girl. - ahhh!

Oh! Damn!

Baby, I'm so sorry.

Why would you Walk up on me like that?

- are you okay? - it's just a rib.

I got others. Don't worry about it.

Okay, I'm sorry. Now, what did you need?

What's up?

Well, the kids called.

They said they wanted to stay In san diego one extra day

So they could go to sea world. And I told them they could

Because I've been Acting like such a jerk lately.

I wanted to spend A little more time with my baby.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Let me go get A shower then.

No, no, no. This sweaty funk Is starting to turn me on.

- ooh... - no, hell no.

Go wash your ass. Go on.

And hurry up.

The fellas Will be here any minute.

What? The fellas?

Yeah. Well, you know when you Said you wanted to play poker?

Well, I invited Kimble and derrick over So that we could play

A real game. You know, Live in the flesh.

Not all that online crap.

Uh, uh, uh. Unbelievable.

- what? - ugh. What...

You know they like Playing with you 'cause You play like a dude.

- [laughing] - hey, where's lisa.

I don't have all night.

Yes, you do, kimble.

My new "soon to be" lady Gets off work at midnight

And I wanna be there To help her unwind.

Uh, you mean hose her down?

That girl ain't sanitary. Boy, your woman's a stripper.

Look here.

Now for the last time,

She is a waitress In a gentleman's club.

Uh, that's code for Servin' up them cakes

And makin' it rain in tips. Check it out.

Yeah, you might wanna Let that one go, player.

Whatever, man, whatever. Come on, where's lisa?

- I'm ready to play. - lisa!

Hey, baby, I hope you don't mind,

But I decided To let you go ahead and Have your guys night

And I'm gonna Step out with the girls. Don't you worry,

Because I called jack And he's gonna sit down for me.

All right. Put some clothes on Before you go.

And wait, wait. What girls Are you talkin' about?

Shelly and simone.

You mean single shelly And recently divorced simone?

You should pass Her my number 'cause I know I could make her moan.

I will be sure Not to tell her that.

All right, baby. I'll be back in a little bit.

Ha, ha. "not to tell her."

Man, man. I have got to get me One of those.

Hey, I bought one like that In tijuana the other day.

All she wanted was An outfit and something to eat.

But you know what? It is officially guy's night.

I'm gonna go ahead And put away this margarita mix

And break open that yak.

Hey, kimble. You should invite Your girl over here

So she could make it rain. You dig what I'm sayin'?

[laughter]

- jack, you checkin' in? - absolutely.

You live right next door, Brother.

Yes sir, brother. But I've learned how to Keep the peace in my house.

Hey tone, You might wanna check in.

As fine as lisa Looked when she left,

Plus, she with them Two single ladies.

That club they go to, there's A lot of light-skinned dudes

With drink money in there.

Let me stop you right there.

Now, lisa and I, We got our thing on lock.

She can be up in the club With 20 brothers up in her face

It wouldn't bother me.

'cause for one, Who wouldn't push up on her?

And two, At the end of the night,

She's bringing it All home to big poppa.

Okay?

Big poppa ain't bringin' home, You better watch out,

'cause you know what they say, When a woman's fed up,

There ain't nothin' You can do about it.

Negro, Your woman is a stripper.

What I'm tryin' to say is,

You got a Kid-free home this weekend

And you'd rather be in here Playing some poker with us

Instead of a little romance With your woman?

Amen, brother.

You know, I gotta go soon.

Suddenly, I feel like spooning.

We got our thing on lock, okay? Now just deal the cards.

[music playing on tv]

[snoring]

What in the heck?

Who is that?

[cell phone ringing]

What the hell?

Hey, sleepy head.

Hey, baby. Who's lorenzo?

That number don't... I don't even know...

Lorenzo, he-- you know what? The bigger question is

What are you doin' Checkin' my phone?

You know better than To be up in my purse.

Yeah well, your phone With a missed call From lorenzo woke me up.

I don't know what to tell you. I mean, you shouldn't be

Checkin' my phone anyway, Even if it did wake you up.

I mean, I wouldn't do that to you.

Besides, we got this whole Trust thing on lock.

Ain't that right?

Ah, yeah.

I believe I heard you tell The fellas something like ah,

You got your wife on lock.

Yeah, that's what You said, right?

Damn, these walls are thin.

No, you just got a big-ass mouth To go with that big-ass head.

Now lorenzo is nobody.

I mean, but you should know Brothers was tryin'

To holler at your wife In the club, player.

'cause I was Shakin' them cakes,

Shakin' them cakes.

Shakin' them, shakin' them, Shakin' them cakes, baby.

Eyyy.

But you see Where I'm at, right?

Mm-hmm.

Now unless you just wanna Sleep on the couch

While we got this Whole house to ourselves,

Then let's go to bed.

Give me my phone.

I can't believe I just got hustled.

I got straight Reverse psychologied In my own damn house.

And bring me my purse.

Mm, so lorenzo's Hooking you up?

Yes, he is hooking me up.

Everybody says he works it out. So I'm really excited.

Yes, and I heard he has a really Nice package, so you're lucky.

- [cell phone rings] - this is him right here.

Girl, you better take that 'cause lorenzo don't be playin'.

He don't have time-- Hey, brother-in-law.

- hey, baby. - what's up?

Ah, I left your plate Right there on the table. I gotta take this call.

Okay? I'll be...

Why you so moody This early in the mornin'?

Why you up in my kitchen This early in the mornin'?

My sister needed to talk. So here I am.

I knew it. Lisa's stepping out On me, huh?

What?

Come on, don't act like That's not what you guys Were talking about.

Okay. Anthony, you trippin'.

What would make you think Lisa's cheating on you?

She went out with Her girlfriends last night.

Shelly and simone.

Ooh, sexy simone?

Sexy, newly single, simone.

Mm.

I had a whole night Planned here.

We were just gonna Stay in, play some poker,

I even broke out The margarita blender.

What? She passed up this Love trap of kitchen appliances

To go out with a fun night With her girls?

She must be nuts.

You ain't funny, rachel. I mean, you funny,

But you ain't, Ha, ha funny.

Okay well, you funny for even Thinking such a thing, okay?

'cause my sister adores you.

Why? I don't know. But she do.

And she is the most Loyal person I know.

Well, except for That time in college

When that heifer Stole a date from me.

She stole One of your girlfriends?

No. I've had my share Of fine men.

And kevin was one of 'em.

He took us both Out to lunch one day.

And do you know She had the nerve to slide Him her digits

Right in front of me.

Then what happened?

Oh, I slid my digits To kevin's roommate chris.

She was fine.

You know, if you weren't My sister-in-law,

I'd wanna hear The rest of that story.

But I don't.

Look, if lisa Was cheating on you, I'd know it because

She tells me everything. Including,

How much of a bum You've been lately.

Taking her for granted.

Forgetting to do The simple things That make her happy.

- she told you that? - mm-hmm.

That and the fact that you ain't Been making her toes curl

- like you used to. - what?

Oh, no. Now I can curl some toes.

Look. Let me give you Some advice, tony.

It don't take much to please A woman like my sister,

Make her happy, Make her feel appreciated.

You know, she's not one of those Clingy, hey look at me,

I need attention, Type of chicks.

- that's true. - and...

You're fortunate enough To have a woman

That actually enjoys watchin' The game with your butt,

And don't mind that Beer belly situation You got goin' on there.

Hey, hey, don't hate on The buddha belly.

It's cushion For the pushin'.

Any-hoo.

An occasional flower, Surprise dinner,

Tell her she looks good And mean it, will go along way.

As much as I hate to say it, Thank you, rachel.

Oh, and if a woman has to hear How good she looks

From outside sources More than once a week,

That's a potential problem Waitin' to happen.

- I'm just sayin'. - all right, you said enough.

Thank you. All right, bye-bye.

Oh, that's hilarious. I'm gonna go get my checkbook.

- okay. - all right.

* candlelight, The mood is right *

* there'll be some toe Curling up in here tonight *

Hey. You must be tony.

I am. Who are you?

Lorenzo. Good to meet you.

I know this negro ain't Grinning up in my house.

Ah, where's my wife?

Ah, she went upstairs To grab her purse, actually.

You know, it's great To finally meet you. You have an amazing wife.

I know this.

And she was cool With me coming by.

Oh, she was cool With you coming by?

- yeah, yeah. - that's great. Lisa!

Um, she just, you know, I told her I'd come on by

And take care of business And be on my way.

You know, I aim to keep All my clients happy.

Clients?

You mean, She is paying somebody To curl her toes?

She actually just went upstairs To get her checkbook.

You know, I gotta say,

I'm really glad that you are Open to this whole experience.

Check this one out, player. Um, I don't know what experience

You talkin' about, But I don't roll like that And neither does my wife.

Who just happens to be The most sexy, beautiful,

Wonderful woman in the world. I don't even deserve her.

But you know what? I know what you deserve.

- what's that? - you deserve an ass whoopin'.

- baby! - don't you "oh, baby" me.

Is this what it is now, huh? You go out with your little Fast-ass girlfriends,

All of a sudden, you got little Gigolo lorenzo talkin' about

Being open to new experiences? You a freaky-deaky now?

My blood pressure just shot up, My gout's kickin' in.

- I'm about to catch me a case. - calm your butt down.

I met lorenzo the other night At a travel experience party

- before we went to the cork. - the cork?

It's nice now. They got Security and everything.

How did we get here?

Actually, I came over In my porsche.

I ain't talkin' to you. This is a conversation Between me and my wife.

Lorenzo is a travel agent.

He's here with a surprise I have For our upcoming anniversary.

Look, ain't nobody-- Say what?

That's right.

A romantic Weekend getaway cruise To cabo san lucas.

My boyfriend, patrick and I, Took it a couple months ago.

We had matching Thongs and everything.

Good times. Good times.

I should probably go.

Oh, thank you. Bon voyage.

- thank you, lorenzo. - you're welcome.

You hungry?

You ain't getting off That easy, tony.

Baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been Taking you for granted

And for not making Your toes curl like I used to.

Dang, rachel Got a big old mouth.

Yes, she does.

Come here.

Babe, I'll make it up To you, okay? And to prove it,

I got you some patrelli's,

Little flowers, Little wine to sip on.

Oh, shoot. My baby romantic.

Uh-huh. And then after,

We got some Toe curling business To take care of.

You know what? Let's skip to the business first

'cause your mom called to say She and the kids are on the way.

And from the sounds of things, She gonna drop 'em off

- while the car's still running. - you know she will.

- let's do it, baby. - it's been a long time.

Come on with Your sexy self, lorenzo.

Hey, that ain't funny.

You tryin' To break up a happy home. That ain't funny.

- that was tasty. - you gettin' better at that.

Baby, tell me something.

Why didn't you Let me surprise you For our anniversary?

Are you kidding me?

Need I remind you of our last Two anniversary nightmares?

I thought you liked camping?

Not on our anniversary.

And definitely not with The kids in the tent.

It's okay, though. I have come to realize

That after all these years,

My husband is just Not a good planner.

So I decided to take Matters into my own hands

So I could Guarantee our happiness.

- all right, mama. - that's right.

'cause if mama stallworth Ain't happy,

None of the stallworth's Gonna be happy,

Especially you, big poppa.

I know that's right.

Uh-huh.

Speaking of happy, How them toes doin'?

Oh, I got some happy feet.

Thank you very much.

You can thank me Some more if you want.

- give me some. - [doorbell rings]

Hmm...They're back.

Love you.