Original subtitles

[man on tv]

Daddy's home.

Ahem! I said daddy's home.

Shh! Love that girl is on.

- tatyana ali got backs. - she sure do.

Boy, you shh me One more time, I'm gonna Knock the shh out of you.

- where's your sister at? - who cares?

What are we having for dinner?

Am I at the right address?

Boy, you pop off at The mouth one more time, You gonna be eatin'

Your dinner through a straw. Keep them pants up.

Ain't nobody wanna see Them skid-marked drawers.

Whatever, pops. Don't hate on the swag.

Swag? Boy, What you know about swag?

Now billy dee williams,

He had swag and a bad perm.

Billy who?

Boy, what are you, 13?

Yes.

What, you think You got more swag than me?

Without a doubt.

Don't make me pull out My frankie, beverly, maze cd.

What's a cd?

Pitiful.

- [stereo turns on] - yeah.

- mm-mm, I like this one. - I know you don't want

- to go there. - go ahead, boy.

Let's see what You're workin' with, boy.

This is all we needed here, A little two-step.

Ugh. Put a little Stanky like that.

You feel me Just a little bit. Oh! Damn!

That is a cramp.

What are you two wild and crazy Kids doin' down here?

And devin, Pull your pants up.

And get your ass Off that table.

I might need some ice, baby.

Ah, what exactly Are you tryin' to prove?

- that I still got some swag. - you clearly still got it.

You just need A walker to carry it.

- ha-ha-ha! - keep it up.

* woke up And my wife said to me *

* the bill collectors Want their fees *

* the kids keep talkin' Back to me *

* family time

* scrub the dishes, Take out the trash *

* history homework Sometimes math *

* the kids are gone We're free at last *

* family time

* family time, family time

* family time

* family time, family time

- * family time - * oh, sing it again

* family time, Family time *

* family time

You always got Something smart to say.

What's wrong with What I got on?

It's fine attire If you're a mechanic.

Next time we'll Do something you enjoy,

Like changing out The septic tank.

Man, you need To get over yourself.

You grew up near rodeo, Not ro-de-o.

I live beverly hills adjacent.

When you're no longer King boulevard adjacent,

Hol-- ahem-- give me a call.

- oh hey, todd. - lisa.

- what are you two up to? - well, I just got finished

Beating the pants off Your husband...Again.

- [chuckling] - whatever.

He's a cheater.

Are you gonna stay for dinner? I can set another plate.

Oh, no. Vivian and I are going To the chateau marmont tonight.

Oh, you don't know Anything about that. It's north on wilshire.

All right. But we'll be having Dinner at the emperor's palace,

- chateau burger king. - anyway.

Your dad called When you two were out. He wants to know

What you have planned for Your mom's 65th birthday party.

Ah yeah, that's right.

Oh, you forgot about that, huh?

Yeah, vivian and I have been Talking about it for days.

We were thinking about Getting mother a cruise.

Yeah, right. As selfish as you are.

I resent that, anthony. And you're gonna Take that back.

I'm not taking nothin' back. Just 'cause you went to harvard,

You ain't no better.

I bet neither one of you Remembered her birthday.

Of course. It's november 6th.

Wrong. It's the 11th, Thank you.

Wrong. It's the 13th.

Just admit it. You both forgot.

No, I didn't. I was talkin' about the day She was born again.

Mm, okay. And what's your excuse?

Ah...Um, well...

- it was because... - whatever.

It doesn't matter. All I can say

Is you better think of something 'cause you know how she is.

Why don't we just Do something intimate here?

Gumbo again?

I do not know what type of mama You got conjured up in your head

But my mama loves gumbo. And if I remember correctly,

I think she dropped A hint a while back about Having an intimate dinner

- for her birthday. - whatever it is,

You two figure it out.

I'm gonna put another Load of clothes in.

So you actually Married the help.

So what are you Gonna get mother?

What do you think of this?

Where'd you Steal that from?

I didn't. The guy I both it from did.

What? I can't afford to buy mama Something nice for her birthday?

With all your Hard-earned lottery winnings?

It's actually Worth about 10 grand, But I only paid 1500.

Does lisa have Something like that?

Well, I originally Bought it for lisa,

But since she's rockin' This big diamond house,

- I don't have to. - [chuckles]

- what's that for? - what?

That little ha-ha-ha-ha.

I know your little Sarcastic laugh.

If you give that to mom, You're gonna have to have

A bigger one In that box for lisa.

- what're talkin' about? - I'm saying,

If you give that to mom, You're gonna Move back in with mom.

I know what this is, That's a straight hater move.

You just don't want me To give her the better gift.

What are you talkin' about?

Your vivian may be that shallow But not my lisa.

All women are shallow. It's in their nature.

[giggling]

Look, I'm just Tryin' to help you out.

Why don't you Help yourself out the door?

Oh. Okay, great. Okay, great.

But you know what? When lisa sees that,

It's gonna be a gift For the entire family.

[giggling]

[giggling continues]

Hey baby, I just want to thank you

For agreeing to throw this party For my mama last minute.

Oh baby, when I threw Your mom's 64th birthday,

I already knew I would be Planning her 65th, too.

'cause you Always got my back.

Don't you forget it.

- ooh, you know what? - huh?

We haven't christened The living room yet.

And the kids Are sound asleep.

I know that's right, girl.

Come here.

Wait. Let me ask you something. I was talkin' to this friend...

Okay, wait. You with your wife, We're about to get busy

And you wanna Talk about this friend? Times have changed.

You're right. I'm trippin'. My bad. My bad.

See, but the thing is If my friend wants to buy His mama a mercedes...

I'm basically Throwing myself at you

And you wanna Talk about your moms.

I don't know who you are. I might have to get myself

A little boy toy.

Girl, if you don't stop playing. Bring yourself over here.

See, but the thing is, The mercedes is "really" nice.

I'm talkin' about 35 miles highway, 20 on the city.

And he's gettin' A real good deal 'cause It's missing a back bumper.

But the thing is, It's nicer than his wife's car.

Okay. I don't care If you get your moms a mercedes.

Girl, I'm not talkin' about me. I'm talkin' about my friend.

My friend wants to get His mom a mercedes.

But his brother said that His wife would be mad

Because she ain't even Got a car let alone a mercedes.

Okay, I can't Figure out who's who in this Rambling situation

That's preventing me From gettin' some.

But I can tell you about me.

I'm an artist, I love my husband,

I love my family And I love my art.

I don't care about Materialistic crap Like mercedes.

And that's why I love you.

Love you, too.

- mm. - hey, hey, hey, hey.

Get out of my pots, tony.

But it smells so good. Listen, baby.

I just want to say thank you For hooking this all up On such short notice.

I know, mama's boy.

I'm gonna be Daddy's girl tonight.

[doorbell rings]

Okay.

Well, hello there, Brother-in-law.

Vivian.

- todd. - simpleton.

You still Drinkin' that hater-ade?

Whatever.

Careful with that. It's fragile.

Like you?

- hey, vivian. - hi, lisa.

Oh, it smells so spicy in here. I just love chitterlings.

Chitlins. And I don't eat those.

Oh. Well, You've got to try 'em.

Anyway, I brought your mom's Favorite pie.

- oh, is that sweet potato? - what's that?

- no, I brought pumpkin. - pumpkin?

I thought Pumpkin pie was a myth.

- let's put this in the kitchen. - okay.

Thank you.

So, are you still Gonna give it to her?

- hell, yeah. - [laughing]

She's gonna love it.

[doorbell rings]

Uh-uh, I'll get it. This is my house.

Okay, smart guy.

Hey, dad.

Where's mom at?

Oh, she's hobbling on up here.

She said Something about her gout.

I stopped listening Halfway through.

How are you?

You all right, mom?

Ooh.

Your father is so rude. You could've waited.

After all, It is my birthday.

- happy birthday, mom. - happy birthday, mother.

How are you?

Oh, a little touch Of bursitis in my shoulder.

I thought Dad said it was your gout.

No that, too. Could you help me Over to the couch?

I'll do it. No. Seniority.

Thank you. Oh--

- careful. Careful. - oh, thank you, honey.

Move!

Happy birthday, beverly.

Oh, hello dear.

Are you Enjoying your birthday?

Well, I would be Enjoying it a little more

If someone Offered me a little drink.

I'm parched.

You don't have any Arsenic over there, do you?

Daddy.

Well, 65 is a Respectable run, isn't it?

[laughter]

So mom, How does it feel being 65?

Well, it would Feel a little better

If my children thought enough Of their mother

To throw her A bigger birthday party.

I thought you said you wanted Something more intimate.

Fifty people is intimate.

Six people is just pathetic.

Um, on that note, Anyone for dessert?

Hope it's Better than the gumbo.

Well, it's pumpkin pie.

Why don't we just Get to the gifts.

- I'll go first. - no, I'm going first.

I have seniority.

I am the older, Good-looking brother.

That's from Vivian and I, mom.

We've been worried about you Driving by yourself lately.

It's just what you need.

Maybe they think You're senile.

[beverly] Maybe they do.

Oh, I've always Wanted one of these.

What the hell is it?

It's a gps for your car So you don't get lost.

I don't get lost.

'cause I'm 65, You think I get lost?

Darius, do I get lost?

Oh, if I was only so lucky.

No, no, no. We don't think you're senile.

We just thought that if you Were driving someplace new,

It would be helpful And then we wouldn't Have to worry about you.

I don't believe I was talking to you, vivian.

Now I have many things:

Arthritis, high blood pressure, Gout, glaucoma,

A touch of west nile virus.

But god knows,

I am not senile.

We never said you were.

I'll take it back, Get you something different.

Maybe next year, We'll get it right.

[clears throat]

Here you go, mama. This is from me.

Thank you, baby.

[gasps]

Oh, this is gorgeous!

This is a gift.

Wait for it. Wait for it.

Oh, lisa.

Do you have Anything this beautiful?

Ah...No.

Oh. Help me with it, dear.

You know, my arthritis.

Thank you.

Still your number one girl.

[chuckling]

This is great.

Oh, my son Knows his mommy so well.

Mwah!

Yes, yes he does.

It's too bad He doesn't know his own wife.

Excuse me!

What happened to her?

You're in deep ca-ca.

Deep ca-ca.

You gonna tell me what's wrong?

Wrong?

Why would there be Something wrong?

Did you do something wrong?

No, I'm just saying.

Just saying what?

That you humiliated me In front of your family?

- is that what you were saying? - what are you talkin' about?

I go through all this trouble Decorating for your mother,

Cooking, and you Didn't even bother to Tell me you got a gift?

And didn't bother to say It was from the both of us.

I thought that was assumed. I mean, we are a team, right?

Well, so was shaq and kobe And you see how that worked out.

At least got rings.

I couldn't even get A tennis bracelet.

Hold up. Now I thought You weren't materialistic.

Oh, since when Do you listen to me?

I always listen to you. That's how I know you said You weren't materialistic.

I just feel like Your mother is more important To you than I am.

Now you know that's not true.

Oh, okay, all right. Beverly and I

Are floating in the ocean.

You have one life preserver.

Who do you throw it to?

- don't do that. - no, oh, no.

We are floating In the abyss.

Now choose.

Well...

Well?! You actually Have to think about it?!

Look, I'm not Getting caught up in this. To tell you the truth,

I originally bought That bracelet for you.

- it's worth about $10,000. - you gave your mother

A $10,000 bracelet That was actually meant for me?

No, it's not That big of a deal.

I got it from A guy at the car wash.

Oh, my goodness. So now you're shopping For me at the car wash.

You're making it sound Way worse than it is.

- try making it sound better. - I only paid $1500.

You were gonna give me A stolen tennis bracelet.

Oh, now that sounds way better.

Way better.

Baby.

Lis...

Lisa, I bought you this house.

That's what a man wants.

Diamonds are A girls best friend.

I thought I was your best friend.

Ha!

Rise and shine, son.

Hey, pop.

What are you doing Over here so early?

I talked to your brother.

And after he stopped laughing,

He said things are still A little bit chilly

Between you and lisa.

Chilly ain't the word.

I had to buy a dog house Just so I could sleep in it.

How many years Have you been married, son?

Fourteen.

Fourteen years and you still Haven't figured out the game.

I never looked at it Like a game.

She does. Well, you better catch up.

You see son, If you recognize it's a game,

You and lisa Can have a lot of happy years.

Remember we talked About this at your wedding.

You were swimming in the Champagne fountain at the time.

Well, I was hungover

Throughout the entire time Of your honeymoon.

But that's beside the point.

When it comes to women, If you want to win,

You got to take everything That you think is logical

And turn it The exact opposite way.

That doesn't make any sense.

Of course it doesn't. They don't think like us.

They talk in riddles And live in shadows.

Like bats?

Well, I could say something,

But my bat Is your mama.

You remember when you mom Dropped a hint

That she wanted An intimate birthday party?

Yeah, I thought That's what she wanted.

No, she wanted a party.

Electric slide and everything.

Pop, I'm a grown man.

Why are we just now having This conversation about women?

Son, you can Go over some things

And you can Go under some things,

But you don't know What the crap smells like

Until you step directly in it.

So, you get up, Wipe your feet on the grass,

And get back in the game.

Oh.

I didn't know You were down here.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I got you something.

What's that?

Just a little something To say I'm sorry.

I'm listening.

Well, apparently, I'm not able to read What my mother wants.

Oh, that was Pretty obvious the second She came through the door.

I should've known. It was her 65th birthday,

And my mother Is anything but subtle.

But times have changed.

See, my pops has given me Some real insight,

Even though It's 14 years too late.

I should apologize, too.

It's your mother, she just, She just gets to me.

You know that.

I just felt Like you weren't on My side this time.

- the bracelet was too much. - no, it wasn't the bracelet.

Well, that was the straw That broke the camels back.

But, you know, It's your mother.

You can get her Whatever you want.

Aren't you gonna open it?

Yeah.

- car wash? - liquor store.

Better than tiffany's.

Wow, that's beautiful.

But I don't want this. I told you.

It wasn't about the bracelet.

Oh, okay. So I can take it back?

Yeah, of course you can. I don't care about

These ridiculous displays Of extravagance.

Ha! I got you.

I'm not taking it back. I get it. I get it.

Fourteen years, But I finally get it.

What are you talking about?

You women are tricky, But I get it.

See, everything is the opposite On planet crazy.

These things mean Absolutely nothing to me.

Uh-huh, sure they don't.

- love you. - love you, too.

[knock at door]

Todd. What are you doing here This time of night?

I need someplace To lie my head down.

What happened?

I tried to one-up and gave mom Three-carat diamond earrings,

And vivian only has two.

Make yourself at home.

[laughs]