Original subtitles

[birds chirping]

[keyboard clacking]

(male #1) '"Oh, Lord."'

(female #1) '"Shit."'

[woman yawns]

'"Remember when I was in school'

'"I always thought of you as my best friend'

'"even though you were two grades behind me.'

'"I guess that was mainly because the other kids'

'"used to poke fun at me all the time.'

'"I mean, Daddy and Harold and Jim'

'"they used to make me feel real funny'

'"you know, like I wasn't even a woman.'

'"Even Mother made me feel awkward.'

'"I mean, the way she used to just stare at me all the time.'

'It was as if she was watching herself grow up, not me."'

(male #1) '"At least you got attention."'

(female #1) '"Well, somebody staring at you isn't attention.'

'It's, it's more like, uh.. I don't know."'

(male #1) '"You feel sorry for yourself a lot, don't you?"'

(female #1) '"I don't think so."'

(male #1) '"No, you do. You always have."'

(female #1) '"Oh, God.'

'"It's amazing, you know, every time I try'

'to share something with you I get slapped in the face."'

(male #1) '"Why do you get so defensive?"'

(female #1) '"Because I'm getting attacked, that's why.'

'Now, come on, Diane, you know what you're doing."'

"Look, I'm your sister.

"And I suppose I love you.

"But I'm having trouble working up sympathy

for your unhappy childhood."

"Here we go again. You had to wear my hand-me-downs, right?"

"Well, didn't I? Didn't I have to wear all your old clothes?

"I had one new dress in a five-year period.

'"Wasn't just the clothes being second-hand'

'"they didn't fit.'

"The sweaters were all too small.

"I was so embarrassed about having large breasts.

Then with your tight sweaters accentuating everything.."

"They made you real popular.

"It's not the way I wanted to be popular.

But I was, wasn't I? More so than you."

"Shut up."

"Remember the time the four of us

went down to the lake?"

"Shut up."

- "You remember that afternoon." - "Shut up!"

"I've never heard you mention it since.

Let's talk about it now."

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

Is it too much?

Too talky.

'Sounds like bad Tennessee Williams.'

Hmm..

Breasts too large, Richard?

Every female character you create has breasts too large.

Hmm..

But I make them suffer for it.

Well, I think I'll take my obviously inadequate body

into the kitchen and get some more caffeine.

- Uh-uh. - Mm-hmm.

Let's lie down and discuss the next scene.

Well, it's 11 o'clock. What is it?

I can't tell you. I have to show you.

Well..

[chuckling]

[instrumental music]

Is it visual?

Oh. It's visual.

Very visual.

Is it funny?

Oh, if you wanna laugh..

...it's okay.

Can we take a break afterwards, honey?

Oh, yes.

You know, writing is...so exhausting.

[instrumental music]

'Yes, sir? Can I help you?'

Babson and McCullen to see Larry Weisman.

Okay. Just turn left, then right, and you'll be there.

Thank you.

(Richard) 'Oh, God, it's been six months'

'and I haven't found the right color for that car.'

I love that car but it's driving me crazy.

Yeah, it's driving me crazy, too.

So what are we gonna tell him about the book?

We're gonna tell him we're not gonna write the screenplay.

Good. You tell him.

I'm not gonna tell him. It's your turn.

- You're gonna tell him. - Oh! I don't want to.

Please? You tell him.

You're better with words than I am.

So what do you think about the book?

It stinks.

Paula?

Well, um, I think..

Well, I don't think that it makes a screenplay, Larry.

- Do-do we? - No.

Good. I was just testing you.

You guys are honest with me. You've got integrity.

I like that.

Mr. Weisman, Bob Prentiss is on the phone.

'He wants to know if you can play tennis--'

Yeah, yeah, I know. Um..

No, no, I-I don't have the right tennis shoes with me today.

Shall I tell him that, that you don't have the right shoes?

No. No, don't tell him that. I'll speak to him.

Hello, Bobby?

Yeah. I would-I would love to play with you today.

No, I can't.

It's my kid.

He's very ill.

'I'll tell you, I just wouldn't be able to enjoy myself today.'

'I-I just wanna stay here by the phone'

'in case I'm needed at home.'

Aw. That's very sweet. That's.. No.

No, there's nothing, really.

'Okay, Bobby. Bye-bye.'

Oh!

They're gonna be wrapping our movie in about two weeks tops.

- Great. - How's it look?

- Woof. - Woof?

I love it! Oh, please.

- It all works. - Yeah?

'And remember the hassling about the ending?'

- Yeah. - I love the ending.

I-I like the rhythm, I-I like the tone

the way it moves, the way it flows.

I think you're gonna be real happy with it.

- Can we see it? - No, you can't see it.

You know better than that. The director doesn't work like that.

But trust me, it is good. It is damn good.

Hey, look, I wanna do a new project with you guys, eh.

Come on, let's put [indistinct]

I like you. You like me.

I think we got a pretty good combination here.

These are good. Goddammit. This is exactly what I wanted.

This is exactly it, okay? Good work. Good work.

I knew you would get it. Just got to be a little patient.

Oh, boy. Oh, it feels right.

Oh, this is.. Oh, boy, I like this.

- Carol? - 'Uh-huh.'

Is he coming back?

Oh, no, he's gone now.

What does he really think about the movie?

I don't know. He hasn't seen any of it yet.

Probably didn't have the right shoes on.

[chuckles]

Hey, you guys moved into your new house yet?

Well, we still got a little work to do.

Oh, buying a house together means

you'll probably be getting married, huh?

Listen, we're gonna try that new restaurant across the street.

How is it?

I don't know. I have asthma.

(male #2) 'Your table's right this way, gentlemen.'

(Richard) 'This place is just a little overdone, don't you think?'

I mean, what is this, mulch?

Honey, do you think Larry lies about everything?

Probably.

'Cause Carol said he hadn't seen it

which means that he's lying about having seen it

rather than having seen it and then lying

about whether it's good or not.

What?

Oh. Thank you.

You have trouble finding your way back?

We just leave a trail of crumbs.

Enjoy.

Hm...a bit scary buying a house isn't it?

Words like "Escrow"..

Well, it's a nice, strong adult word.

I know. I hate it.

Mmm. Hm, this is sensational.

- Well, try some. - I got some.

No, I put it together much better than you do.

Come on, try it.

See?

Tastes good.

We're good together, aren't we?

Funny, Carol thinking we're getting married, huh.

Well, you know, tradition.

You buy a house, you get married.

Well, if you think about it, I mean, you know..

....we rent our house

we lease our car, we live together.

Do you feel there's a lack of commitment there somehow?

I got committed to a house.

- What are we doing, Paula? - What?

(Richard) Buying this house, living together

nagging at each other, not nagging each other

making love, not making love?

For God's sake, Paula, we act like we're married.

Richard, I thought we made an agreement a long time ago

that we would live together.

And if we changed our minds, then we'd see.

I changed my mind.

Well, I haven't.

Paula, if you were my age, you'd understand.

Alright, let's wait till I'm your age

and then we'll discuss it.

Paula, there's some statements I wanna make with my life.

You're one of 'em.

Living with you just says that you're my lover and my friend.

It doesn't state that you're the woman

I intend to spend the rest of my life with.

Marriage makes that statement.

Marry me, Paula.

- Oh, honey. - What?

I don't know what to say.

Let's talk about it later, okay?

That's great. That's perfect.

They moved into their dream house

and they dated happily ever after.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

I'm gonna lose Richard.

What are you afraid of?

I don't know.

I just keep thinking that life is in three stages.

That you're born, you get married

and then you die.

[whispering] Wait a minute, so you think that if you..

...never get married, you'll never die?

Something like that.

- Do me a favor. - Yeah.

- Put him down for me. - Sure.

Quiet.

Shh, shh, shh.

I'm not very good at this.

Shh, shh. Oh.

[sighs]

Anyway, you know, I associate marriage

with having to grow up.

Now, we've already done that. Why have it rubbed in our faces?

'And another thing.'

'You spend your whole life'

trying to achieve a little personality

a little individuality

only to get married and be referred to

as someone's wife.

A missus. Mrs. Richard Babson.

Hm. No, thank you. Uh-uh.

No, thank you very much.

What is this, a Manhattan?

With lots of cherries.

- It's good. - God.

I haven't had one of these in years.

It's so adult.

Yeah. Oh, my God.

- Can I have another drink? - Alright.

Listen, listen.

All of the reasons are all well and good

but what it comes down to in the end

is whether or not you love him.

- I love him. - Well, then, okay.

You're gonna have to resolve it one way or another

or you're just gonna destroy the relationship.

See, the..

I forgot what I was talking about.

- My life. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, it sounds to me

like Richard wants marriage

more than you don't want marriage.

Now, he is willing to try more..

Yeah, he wants it more strongly

than you don't want it.

What?

What what? What did I say?

You said that I want.. No.

Wait, you said Richard doesn't want, um..

No, you said Richard wants..

- Does Richard want something? - What?

You said that Richard wants something.

That he wants something. What-what, what does he want?

- Who? - Richard!

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

(Richard) 'Was it possible? Could it be?'

'Then a lizard'

'ran across all their paws'

but they all held their ground.

(Paula) 'Honey, remind me to call home later tonight.'

All was silent

except for a dachshund that sneezed.

'And then there was a puff of smoke'

'and a magician appeared.'

I feel like something is wrong.

"Aha!" he chortled and exhorted.

And then, with a wave of his magic chew-stick

their flea collars started

spinning around on their necks.

Well, the collie got so frightened

'he peed on the spaniel's leg.'

Hello?

What?

I feel like something's wrong. I'm worried about my folks.

They're just getting old, honey, that's all.

I know. I think they're gonna die soon.

- Paula. - Well, it's possible.

So I just practice.

Practice?

Well, I pretend they're dead

and then I really get myself very unhappy

you know, and then I feel the grief.

And then I guess, it's just..

I'm preparing for when it actually happens.

Let me get this straight.

You kill your parents off in your mind

so you won't feel bad when they die?

That's how much I love them.

You're very sick, Paula.

You're beyond Black Irish.

Honey, let's go back east.

My parents are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary

and...I'd like you to meet them.

Before they die?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't think I'd do too well with your parents.

Why not?

Well..

...your preoccupation with death.

I just have to assume you're the tip of the iceberg.

I'm gonna take a shower.

[instrumental music]

You didn't stay to hear my whole idea.

Well, I've been thinking about what you said.

'And, um..'

'Well, you know how I feel about change.'

'I'm not very good at change, you know that.'

'And I'm not impulsive, you know.'

(Richard) 'Who is this?'

Richard, it's very hard to be serious in a shower.

- Please help me. - Oh..

What do you want?

Well...I've had a lot of time

to think it over

and I think we should..

- What? - Go ahead and do it.

- Do what? - Um..

- You know. - You know what?

Get..

Get..

...married.

Are you sure?

I didn't push you into this?

No.

I love you, Paula.

[instrumental music]

- Honey. - Hmm.

If we get married

would you promise me one thing?

Anything, darling.

We won't tell anyone.

[laughs]

The limousine what?

The limousine pulls up

in front of a three-story building.

A nondescript building..

...sitting in the middle of..

Uh, no. Sitting among--

Among the buildings, among the..

...steel structures of--

No, in the countryside.

Isolated countryside.

- Yeah. I-isolated.. - That's good.

Better.

"Waterproofing, weather-stripping

"weaving, webbing..

...weddings."

'Webbing, weddings..'

What comes after wedding?

- Welding. - Oh, that's appropriate.

It's right in there with "Webbing" and "Welding."

"Now And Forever Wedding Chapel."

Too cute.

"Chapel of the Two Bells.

"We rent kneeling benches, candelabras

and caged, live, white whispering doves."

No, I want a wedding chapel that says

"We give sodium pentathol."

[chuckles] Here's a good one.

"Uh, Los Hermanos Wedding Chapel."

It says "Se habla Espanol. No one else is necessary-o"

'What?'

It means if you're Spanish and insane

you get married in 10 minutes.

That's it. Where is it?

"Uh, 1-2-7-2-2, Alvarado Street.

Half a block south of the Burrito King."

Oh, that's perfect. It's on the way to the train station.

Nobody will see us.

Help me.

You know, maybe we should fly. I've been thinking about this.

Three days on a train.

Three days to think about meeting your parents.

Oh, trains are so romantic.

Remember "Giant"?

Remember the scene on the train with Elizabeth Taylor

and Rock Hudson?

"Love in the Afternoon", with Audrey Hepburn

and Gary Cooper.

Remember?

Remember Teresa Wright in "Since You Went Away"?

Teresa Wright didn't get on the train.

Oh. Well, honey

you're-you're gonna love it, I promise.

God, we're really gonna do it, aren't we?

Kiss me. I'm nervous.

Kiss me again.

You promise that once we get married

it's not gonna screw everything up?

No, it's not gonna screw anything up.

Everything's gonna be better.

- We're even gonna write better. - Oh, good.

Right, we'll get better.

Yeah, that's wonderful, honey.

That's great.

Because if it doesn't, you know

I'm just gonna have to kill you in your sleep.

[instrumental music]

Here you are.

You two getting married?

No, we're just visiting relatives.

- Be about 20 minutes. - It's your money.

Right.

- What time did he say? - Whenever we get here.

[speaking Spanish]

(Richard) 'Excuse me.'

'Uh, The Los Hermanos Wedding Chapel?'

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

- What's she saying? - I don't know.

Of course, you realize what you are about to do

is a very serious step.

'It is not to be taken light.'

You fully agree, but I have to ask this of everybody.

- We're very sure. - Yeah.

Alright.

We will begin.

Shouldn't we stand up or something?

No, that is not necessary.

'But if you like, alright.'

God, honey, here we go.

- 'Are you ready?' - Yes!

This is the English ceremony.

I do not know it as well as in Spanish.

So if you will forgive me

I will...I will read it.

"I, Richard Babson.."

You, now, you repeat it after me, what I say.

"I, Richard Babson.."

I, Richard Babson..

"...take thee, Paula McCullen.."

...take thee, Paula McCullen..

'"...to be my lawful wedded wife.."'

...to be my lawful wedded wife..

'"...for better or for worse.."'

...for better or for worse..

"...in sickness and in health.."

...in sickness and in health..

'"...with love and affection.."'

...with love and affection..

'...I dee endo."'

I..

I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

"I dee endo."

I dee endo.

[laughing]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I-I always, um, laugh when I get nervous.

That's alright.

It is to be understood.

'Alright. Now, will you please repeat it after me.'

'"I, Paula McCullen.."'

I, Paula McCullen..

'"...take thee, Richard Babson.."'

...take thee, Richard Babson..

"...to be my lawful wedded husband.."

...to be my lawful wedded husband..

'"...for better or for worse.."'

...for better or for worse..

'"...in sickness and in health.."'

...in sickness and in health..

'"...with love and affection.."'

...with love and affection..

'"...I dee endo."'

What?

I don't understand that.

"I dee endo."

I dee endo.

And by all the power vested in me by the State of California

I now pronounce you man and wife.

And you may kiss the bride.

I have this ring.

You don't have to wear it, you can just...keep it.

'I am very happy for you.'

The witnesses signed the certificate before you arrived.

And they will be sent to you in about a month.

- Well, many congratulations. - 'Thank you.'

And congratulations, Mrs. Babson.

- Don't call me that. - Oh.

Oh. Very well. Very well.

[instrumental music]

♪ Love is only the beginning ♪

♪ What a sweet beginning ♪

♪ Sunny skies ahead ♪

♪ Like the weatherman said ♪

♪ Did it ever feel this good before ♪

♪ Could you get much more from a kiss ♪

♪ Here with you it's easy to ♪

♪ Think about love ♪

♪ You think about me ♪ ♪ You think about me ♪

♪ I'll think about you ♪ ♪ I'll think about you.. ♪

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

What? What..

It's alright. It's alright.

Everybody does this.

- Alright, I'll get it. - Sorry.

- Oh.. - Sorry..

Sorry.

- Honeymooners, eh? - Yeah!

Thank you.

♪ Love me like it's for the first time ♪

♪ And then imagine ♪

♪ It's the last time ♪

♪ Only you and me ♪

♪ Like we dreamed it would be ♪

♪ Soon the early morning sun will rise ♪

♪ But we'll close our eyes to it all ♪

♪ Then day or night ♪ ♪ Then day or night ♪

♪ Dark or light ♪ ♪ dark or light ♪

[train honking]

Oh.

- Are you comfortable, honey? - Oh!

- Huh? - Oh.

[bell ringing]

Listen, you get on the inside. Let me get on the outside.

- Alright. - One of us will fall out.

- Wait, honey. - Yeah, what?

- Damn it, my hair. - Huh, oh, I'll fix it.

Jesus.

I got this.

Here. Pull this.

Here. Wait a minute.

- Thank you. - Okay?

Yeah, I just have to stay on my back, you know because..

Don't worry, we'll get comfortable.

Okay, I never learned how to sleep on the side.

- Ah, that's good. - This is good?

♪ You think about me ♪

♪ You think about me ♪

♪ I'll think about you ♪

♪ I'll think about you ♪

♪ And all of the crazy things ♪

♪ That we can do.. ♪♪

Honey, there are those honeymooners.

Hi, guys, how far are you goin'?

- How far are you goin'? - Buffalo.

Oh, great. We're going to Toledo.

We'll be with you most of the way.

Don't bother 'em, kids.

[keyboard playing off-key]

♪ So it's goodbye ♪

♪ Loneliness ♪

♪ We're leavin' you and you kind behind ♪

♪ We're starting out ♪

♪ We're on our way ♪

♪ Saying with loving ♪

♪ All there is to say.. ♪

[gargling]

♪ You think about me ♪

♪ You think about me ♪

♪ I'll think about you ♪

♪ I'll think about you ♪

♪ And all of the crazy things ♪

♪ That we can do ♪

♪ I know what waits for us ♪

♪ After we've wined and dined ♪

[bell ringing]

Please, watch your step.

Oh, dear God, it's freezing.

Don't they have any redcaps or red tops

or whatever they're called?

I haven't shaved in three days.

I don't see them.

You think we've been in Buffalo long enough?

- Oh, Richard. - Well, I'm cold.

I started getting cold in Arizona.

It's not that cold. Now we are in Buffalo.

No offence, but can't I meet your parents some other time?

I'm too old to meet your parents.

Oh, there they are!

- 'Mom!' - Ah, there she is!

Mom! Hi!

- Give me a hug! - Hi, Daddy!

Oh, Richard. Mom, Dad, this is Richard.

Welcome to the family, Richard.

Thank you, sir.

- Richard? - Yes?

You married our little girl.

Yes. Thank you.

- We're in a lot of trouble. - Oh, I almost forgot.

I brought you your oranges. Your favorite kind.

All the way from California.

The ones from Florida are juicier.

Oh, don't pick up the black one, sir, it's very heavy!

Richard, don't bother. It's the Irish Martyr Syndrome.

- Let me take something. - Mother, just stay there.

- Don't slip. - I'm fine.

- How do I look? - Disgusting.

Thank you.

- Okay. Let's go. - Come on, Richard.

Mom, hold this a minute.

What are you going that way for?

We'll go to the end of the platform and take the stairs.

It's easier.

No one takes the tunnel anymore.

- What are those glasses? - It's nothing.

I had a cataract operation last month.

Why didn't you tell me?

Your mother thought it was best for you children not to know.

Children?

The only problem is now I have no depth perception.

Your mother is like a cat with a bell around its neck.

You know, you can tell where she is by the sound

of something crashing to the floor.

You poor thing!

Good idea to come up these stairs.

A lot faster.

Jesus Christ! It's even cold inside.

- Dear God, it's cold! - Hell, this ain't nothing.

Actually, I never felt it cold enough to wear an overcoat.

Mother, be very careful. It's icy here.

You must call Mary Theresa as soon as we get home.

Mother, I'll call her when I want to.

Well, she'll be deeply hurt if you don't.

Mother, please.

Alright, alright, I'm sorry. I won't bother you anymore.

Shit.

[engine turns over]

[engine revving]

(Tim) 'So, this is your first visit to Buffalo, eh, Richard?'

(Richard) 'Yes, sir. Very interesting city.'

One thing about living in L.A., you miss that beautiful snow.

Snow kills.

You should see Buffalo when everything's frozen.

Everything is frozen, Mother.

Where are we going? This isn't the way home.

Tom Hanrahan died last week. Your father wanted

to stop off at his funeral for just a moment.

Tom Hanrahan, Dad, I thought you never liked him.

I hated the son of a bitch.

I knew you were just the tip of the iceberg.

(Tim) 'I'll be back in a second.'

'No, Ellie, Ellie, you stay in there.'

'It's very slippery out here. I'll be back.'

How do you think your father looks?

He looks fine. Why, is something wrong?

Well, you know

since his stroke, he's been a little strange.

He hardly ever talks.

And I found some, um

pornographic magazines under his socks, real beaver shots.

Mother! Where did you know that word?

Excuse me, I think I'm gonna get some air.

You don't have to go. You are part of the family now.

I appreciate that.

It's just that I get a little claustrophobic in a car.

I don't know if it's me or what

but there's nothing between us anymore, sexually.

Do you have any idea what's wrong?

Oh, I suppose when you're with someone for so long, they become

so familiar that one day, you just forget to do it anymore.

Is it still that important to you?

Oh, yes. I love sex.

It feels so funny to be talking to you like this.

All you ever told me about sex was that

when it was right, it could be wonderful.

Even when it's wrong, it can be wonderful.

- 'More tea?' - 'Thank you.'

(Tim) 'I must say it scared the hell out of me.'

My brother Patrick was a fine doctor.

- Mother! Mother, Be careful. - I'm sorry.

(Tim) 'Yeah, my brother Patrick was a man who respected'

'life on all levels.'

Richard, giving you an example. Turtle soup.

'Loved turtle soup. Made it from scratch.'

Now, here's what I am talking about.

He wasn't the kind of man who'd just take the turtle

and toss it into the boiling water, or crack its shell

or whatever it is that you might say that would cause

'pain to the turtle.'

- 'You know what he'd do?' - 'More pie?'

- 'No, thank you.' - Paula, get Richard more pie.

'You're a married woman now.'

Start doing a little for your husband.

Mother, he doesn't want any more pie.

And if he did, he could get it himself.

Richard, Richard, he'd take that turtle into the cellar

place it on the ground

and he'd go over and sit on the other side of the room

on the floor with a bottle of bourbon

'and a rifle across his knees.'

'And he'd sit there, and he'd sit there'

'and he'd sit and he'd wait.'

And he'd wait for that turtle to just pop its head out

from underneath that shell.

And the moment it did, pow! Blow its head off.

No pain to the turtle. Soup for Patrick.

[laughing]

I used to play the cello before I was married.

Patrick was patient man.

You have to be patient to play the cello.

- 'Not an aggressive--' - 'You know what?'

You know what, Richard? He always got what he waited for.

I was quite promising. I played with musicals here in Buffalo.

We were going to tour all Europe..

- Mommy used to say-- - I met Paula's father--

I'm sorry.

Oh, did I interrupt? I'm so sorry.

- No. You go ahead. - No, I finished.

- No, please. - Really. Go ahead.

Well, I'll help you clean up, mother.

Thank you.

Mommy used to say, "Why can't you be like Patrick?"

'How could I be like Patrick?'

'Patrick was Patrick, and I was who I was, you know.'

But I'll never forget that. Patrick. Patrick.

Mommy used to say, "Timmy, why can't you be like Patrick?"

Honey?

- Honey? - 'Hmm..'

- You alright? - No, I am not alright.

You have very strange parents, you know that?

There's not a double bed in this whole house. Only single beds.

'Just single beds.'

Doesn't anybody sleep together in this place?

These aren't single bed. They're antiques.

That's not an antique, that's a single bed.

I am on my honeymoon. I want to sleep with my wife.

Honey, we can sleep together, when we get to your folks house.

Are you crazy? That's a week from now.

I know, I know it sounds crazy

but if we slept in the same room

my parents would think we were having sex.

Oh, really? You're acting like a teenager.

Well, this is my teenage room.

This isn't a room for sexual relations

it's a room for slumber parties.

Paula, I want you to listen to me very carefully.

We're on very shaky ground here. Very shaky ground.

What do you mean?

Well, getting married is a very traumatic experience, right?

My coming back here to Buffalo

to meet your parents, that's traumatic, right?

- Right. - Alright.

Well, no matter how old you are, you're still a child

to your parents, right?

Right.

You know what that makes you right now?

- What? - A married baby.

- You're sick. - So let's go to bed.

Let's take a shower together. You can soap me down.

You can soap me up.

(Ellie) 'Paula! Are you upstairs?'

- Honey, I can't. - What?

What do you mean you can't? We're married.

Well, I know, but I feel funny with my parents and everything.

- I don't feel very comfortable. - Why?

- We make noise. - I won't make noise.

Sweet dreams.

Dear God! Is that the way it's gonna be?

For Christ's sake! Freezing to death.

Sleeping in a bed..

[muttering]

Good Lord.

[knocks on the door]

Yes?

- Are you comfortable? - Oh, yes. I'm fine.

I put some towels and a washcloth in your bathroom.

Is there anything else I can do?

No, thank you.

Have you any laundry that needs washing?

Any dirty underwear?

No.

Well, I just wanted a moment to tell you how happy we are.

Paula is very precious to us.

(Richard) 'I love your daughter very much.'

Well, that's all that matters.

Nightie-night.

Would you like me to leave the hall light on?

No.

Goodnight, then. Sweet dreams.

I can't take it anymore. I'm not used to this.

And I'm not used to the cold.

And I am not used to being sexually deprived.

I am standing before you with a frozen erection.

Don't tell my mother, she'll put a mitten on it.

I am not kidding, Paula.

(Paula) 'If we left before mom and dad's anniversary'

'they'd be very hurt.'

[gunshot]

My father! He's killed himself!

[gunshot]

Goddamn pigeons! Filthy creatures!

Why don't they stay downtown where they belong!

Oh, my God, daddy, you scared me to death.

I hate pigeons.

Look at them fat bastards!

[gunshot]

'Bastards!'

[gunshot]

Breakfast, everyone!

(Tim) 'Damn filthy sons of bitches.'

That dirty, dirty crapped all over the roof.

I think I winged one of them, though!

(Ellie) 'Come on, now. Hurry up. Everything's hot.'

Mother, he's scaring the neighborhood half to death.

He's so like his brother Patrick only not as good a shot.

Well, he shouldn't be doing that.

It's alright. He never hurts anything.

Yeah, it gives him something to do.

That's right, Richard. Just sit down.

Daddy, aren't you having breakfast?

No, no, I already had a little something.

I'll, uh, I'll be upstairs taking care of a few things.

Excuse me.

- Mom, is dad alright? - Oh, yes.

This is the time of day he locks himself

in the bathroom with those magazines.

- Can I help you? - No, you just relax.

I've got a little surprise for Richard.

Grits! I made you some grits.

Just the way you southerners like it.

Thank you.

I hate grits. What will I do with this stuff?

She's been up since 6 O'clock this morning making them.

You're gonna eat it.

Happy-go-lucky you, saying it over the grapefruit.

Why don't you eat it?

Oh, come on, she's so happy.

You have to eat it. Can't do this to her.

(Ellie) 'Richard, how do you like it?'

It's very good.

(Ellie) 'I called Mrs. O'Leary for the recipe.'

'She's very interested in your work in Hollywood.'

'I told her about the new play you've written.'

Mother, it's a screenplay. It's for the movies.

(Ellie) 'Oh!'

Does that look like I ate some?

No.

- Let me have your napkin. - What?

Richard, oh, God! That's disgusting!

You might as well finish it.

No one else here eats this stuff.

I'm so thrilled about our anniversary celebration.

It's going to be a lovely party.

Mother, um..

Richard said that he might have to go back a little early.

Oh, dear. Richard, is that right?

We have to do some rewrites.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

It would just kill your father.

'You know, last night he actually cried like a li'l boy.'

'He was so happy that you two had got married'

'and came back to help celebrate our 40th.'

Well, I can't possibly tell him.

Richard, could you do it?

Well, it isn't definite that we have to go back.

I mean..

'There's a possibility that I could make a call.'

Oh, I'm so happy!

Please continue eating, Richard. We don't stand on ceremony here.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Daddy.. Daddy, Mom and I are gonna go out shopping.

We'll be back around 3 O'clock.

So, if Richard comes before then, would you tell him?

- Do you need anything? - No, nothing.

Goodbye, Mrs. Riley. See you later.

So long.

[indistinct chatter]

- Shoot it. - 'Alright, you guys.'

'Another face-off! Never play for the Sabers like that.'

'Let's hustle.'

Be careful, Mother.

Here.

- Oh, Eleanor! - Oh, there's Mrs. O'Leary.

I want to thank her for the recipe.

I'll be.. I'll be right back.

Okay. Mother, wait, wait, wait, wait, here, let me take that.

You go on in now. I'll be fine.

Be careful, mother. Oh, mother!

[screams]

(Mrs. Riley) 'Get away from me!'

[screams]

(Tim) 'Quiet! Someone will hear you!'

(Mrs. Riley) 'Get away from me!'

Daddy! Daddy what are you doing?

- It was a mistake, I slipped-- - It wasn't my fault.

- I was just doing the cleaning! - Hold on.

- Are you alright? - That man is insane.

Please try and understand my father's been very sick.

He's had a stroke and..

I am gonna get out of here.

As soon as I finish those other rooms. I always finish the job.

[instrumental music]

Paula..

Paula..

Paula..

Where're you going? What's wrong?

Go back to the house. Leave me alone.

- I need to.. - What?

- I don't know. - What happened?

I don't want to tell you now.

- It's your parents? - No. They're fine.

Just go back to the house. And don't tell them..

Don't say any..

Don't ask them what's wrong, okay? Please don't do that.

Paula!

[knock on door]

Yes?

My, it's hot in here.

Your father told me about the maid.

Are you alright?

- Are you? - Oh, yes.

That was our third maid.

I think it's wonderful he keeps trying.

Mother, you are some old broad.

Don't be disrespectful.

I just hope it hasn't frightened you about marriage.

Everything frightens me about marriage, mother.

Well, it must be frightening.

At least in my day, we knew what the roles were.

But if you love each other, that's all that matters.

'And marriage isn't to blame for what happened'

'this afternoon with your father.'

'That was just old age.'

Father Time has a way of just beating the shit out of us.

Yeah. You're right.

Paula?

Paula!

I've gone blind.

- Honey? - 'Mm-hmm.'

- Are you ready? - 'Yeah.'

How do I look?

Great.

Turtle soup.

- What a wonderful story. - What do you mean?

Your dad's story about turtle soup.

It'd be great in one of our scripts.

Oh, he'll recognize it.

I-I don't think so. He'll be very hurt.

Oh, maybe you're right.

- I feel very bad about tonight. - Oh, honey, come on.

It's just a simple party. It's no big thing.

It's not the party, I'm talking about, it's you.

I'm fine. Everything is fine, really.

(Eleanor) 'Hurry up! Party's already started.'

Come on! Let's go.

Just tell me what's the matter, it'll only take a second

before we go downstairs and see other people.

Nothing's the matter, dear.

I think it's time for a toast.

This is it? This is the anniversary party?

I think you'll like the champagne, Richard.

Upstate New York, tough little grape.

Thank you, sir, and congratulations.

We're very flattered to be on your guest list.

Oh, well, you know, Richard, I..

I always found that parties where you have

guests are such a nuisance.

I'd like to toast two of the most wonderful

people in my life.

'Thank you for everything.'

I love you.

And I think there can be nothing more fitting on this

our 40th wedding anniversary than to..

...welcome in the next generation of loving couples.

'So, here's to our wonderful daughter, Paula'

'and her husband, Richard.'

May you be as happy in your next 40 years together

as Ellie and I have been in ours.

(Eleanor) 'And success with your new play.'

(Paula) 'It's a, uh, movie, mother.'

♪ Love is only the beginning ♪

♪ What a sweet beginning ♪

♪ Sunny skies ahead like the weatherman said ♪

♪ Did it ever feel this good before ♪

♪ Could you get much more from a kiss ♪

(Paula) 'Oh, it's so big.'

(Richard) 'Biggest condominium in Virginia, honey.'

'Eighteen thousand people, all under one roof.'

(Paula) 'Really?'

God, I wish you would've told your parents we got married.

I'm gonna tell them, honey, I'm just waiting

for the right moment, that's all but I'm gonna tell 'em.

Okay. I'm nervous.

(Richard) 'Of course you're nervous, but they're nice people.'

'I mean, you're gonna like them right away'

'and they're gonna love you.'

Here we are.

(Ann) 'I'll get it! Just a second!'

- 'I'll get it!' - Oh, my God. It's my mother.

- Close your eyes. - What?

- Hi, Mom! - Hello! Hello.

- Come on, Paula. - Hello, hello, my baby!

- Oh, it's so good to see you. - Mama, this is Paula.

- Oh, well, it's about time! - Hello. Nice to see you.

Look at that pretty little thing. Richard!

Let me tell you right off. Your sister's here with the kids.

- Oh,Nellie's here, great! - Not so great. She's moved in.

She and Derek, well, I don't think they're gonna make it.

Derek is Nellie's third husband.

Why didn't you tell me Nellie was here?

- We would've stayed at a hotel. - Here let me take care of this.

Don't be silly, there's a convertible sofa in the den.

And I trust you two sleep together.

Tom! Richard's here! Nellie, where are you?

Boys, come on. Give your Uncle Richard a big kiss!

- 'Uncle Richard, oh, my God!' - 'Uncle Richard.'

- 'You look wonderful and fine.' - Oh, I'm fine.

This is Paula.

Hi, Paula, I'm so pleased to meet you!

I've heard so much about you.

(Ann) 'Everybody hold still, now.'

Great, tell me something, Richard, which way did you come?

Did you go east to Syracuse and then down 91?

Across the 270 and on to the beltway?

- From Buffalo? - Yeah.

No, Pop, we got on the New York State Thruway.

Then we got on 67, came right on in here.

You didn't use the access road off of 70

and cross Leesburg Pike?

You see, I used to be with the

Federal Department of Transportation.

'I was with them for 36 years. I made all those access roads.'

'As a matter of fact, that's why you should'

'always use the access roads after 4:00 p.m.'

'You do away with bottlenecks. The traffic moves right along.'

- And you don't pay tolls. - 'And skip to pay tolls.'

Tell me, when are we gonna see this movie

that you and Richard wrote?

Anyway, as I was saying, before we had to sit down to dinner

the man never stopped talking.

He just went on and on and on.

- You never pay tolls. - I pay tolls.

If there'd been some compensation

that's my word for the year.

Compensation in bed might have been more palatable.

But I'm telling you, he had a pee pistol

the size of Robbie's here, uh, like that.

Nellie, I don't think the dinner table is the proper place

to talk about the size of Derek's pee pistol.

Do you always have to be the guardian of good taste?

- Paula, am I offending you? - Well, no.

- Now, there. You see? - She's being polite.

I mean, after all, what can she say?

Annie, Annie, isn't it quicker to come by Riker's Tunnel

with four corners instead of the interstate?

Well, say something about it. Don't just nod.

- Yes, it's quicker. - Hold it! Hold it.

- Tom. - Ssh!

I have an, I have an announcement to make.

I wanna, I'd like to say something.

(Ann) 'Go ahead, Richard.'

Well, I don't know if this is

the appropriate time to say this or not.

But I don't know if there's ever really

an appropriate time to say this. But we'd like to..

Paula and I, we'd, we'd like to say..

- We'd like to tell you-- - You don't have to.

- I can guess! You're engaged! - I told you, mother!

Who's engaged? Who's engaged?

They're engaged!

[indistinct chatter]

We're not engaged. We're married.

What a surprise.

I hope you're pleased.

Of course we're pleased, we're pleased.

It's just that we're just taken aback.

- You understand? - I understand.

It must feel very funny hearing about it

after we've already done it.

Well, I think it's wonderful.

It's like the life cycle. As someone dies, a baby is born.

I'm getting divorced, you're getting married.

'Out with the old, in with the new.'

Oh, Mother, now don't you think it's wonderful?

Well, well, our dinner's getting cold.

Why don't we all just eat up?

(Paula) 'Don't any of the windows open in this place?'

I don't know, the whole condominium

is temperature controlled.

(Paula) 'I just need some air.'

'There's not enough air in this place.'

'I just need a little.'

'A little air.'

What are you mumbling about?

Oh, I can't breathe.

Didn't you have any oxygen when you were growing up?

- What is your problem? - I don't know.

- I'm just tired. - Yeah?

Oh, God, I'm tired. I'm sorry, honey.

Have you noticed that you're tired on a queen-size bed?

I mean, my family, people of this house, they sleep together.

They just have to take turns breathing.

[knock on door]

Yes?

Oh, mom, please.

Someday you're gonna thank me for this.

Paula, are there any wedding pictures?

No, Mrs. Babson.

Well, something has to be recorded.

This could be the most important time of your life together.

Mother likes to record every moment possible.

- Grandma! - Alright, alright, dear.

The boys wanna know if they can play their

video game until it's time to go to bed.

Well, we wanna spend, this is not a great time.

It's fine, they can come right in.

Oh, thank you. Now, can I borrow Richard from you for a second?

Fine.

I wanna talk to him about something.

Now, I don't want you boys bothering Paula, you hear?

- 'Okay.' - 'Okay.'

- Gonna be okay, honey? - Your turn's over.

I'm fine. Just fine.

'Dang!'

Mother, where are the pinwheel cookies at?

Daddy hides them from the kids. They're over the fridge.

I love pinwheel cookies.

You know, you can't get these out in L.A.

Ow! What did you do that for?

I'm so furious with you, I'm beside myself!

What's wrong?

How dare you deny us the opportunity

of seeing our only son get married!

No warning. No chance to do anything, to send you anything.

Not a present, not a card. Not a phone call to wish you well!

Your father's so upset, he's out playing cards.

He plays cards every night.

Well, he went early tonight.

He's absolutely heartbroken.

I wouldn't take it too lightly if I were you.

The man's gettin' old.

- Mother. - No, no, don't touch me.

I'll be fine. I just need some time.

[phone rings] Oh, my God.

Hello.

Who's calling? Who?

Oh, just a minute. It's for you. Larry somebody.

- Larry? - Larry.

Hello, Larry.

What do you mean, where am I? You called me.

Excuse me.

You're in New York? Look, we'll be back in L.A. on Sunday.

Sunday? Does he know you just got married?

Larry, they're not gonna shoot the scene until--

You just tell him you're on your honeymoon.

Another week.

No, we're not gonna cut our vacation short!

We'll rewrite it when we get back. Goodbye, Larry. Goodbye.

You're on your honeymoon.

Anyway, how am I gonna get a party together by Sunday?

We don't want a party, Mother.

I can't believe it.

I cannot believe it.

[sobbing] Oh, God. Oh, my God!

I don't know what to do!

- Get the camera. - What?

I want you to take my picture. Come on, Richard.

I wanna record the worst day of my life.

- Now, go on. - This is ridiculous.

You have to hurry, Richard! Shoot it!

- 'Go on.' - 'How'd you do that?'

- Uncle Richard.. - Ssh! Out, out.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

- 'Richard!' - Hmm?

- 'Want another English muffin?' - I'd love one, Mom.

- Why don't you get it? - Hmm?

- Why don't you get it? - She likes doing things for me.

- Here, I'll help you. - Oh, no, no.

'You're gonna have plenty of time to do things for Richard'

'so you just take it easy.'

Mrs. Babson, Richard and I have lived together for a long time.

He knows how to do those things for himself.

Well, I'm sure he does, but now that you're married--

Now that we're married, what?

Mother, I have no idea what I'm gonna wear tonight.

- Paula, what are you wearing? - Why? What am I wearing?

Where? Where am I going?

- To the party! - To the party? What party?

I forgot to tell you, honey.

The folks are giving us a little wedding celebration.

A nice idea?

Oh, why, what a lovely idea.

(Tom) 'Well, it's just something simple at Clyde's Restaurant.'

'A few friends, a few relatives.'

(Nellie) 'Mommy, you remember that real pretty dress'

'I'd brought with me. Where is it?'

- Hey, why didn't you tell me? - Again? It happens every year.

(Nellie) 'I hung it very carefully in the closet.'

(Eleanor) 'Alright, then. That's where it is.'

(Nellie) 'No. It isn't!

(Eleanor) 'Oh, my God!'

(Lyle) What time is it in California now?

It's, uh, 7:00 o' clock.

(Nellie) 'I'll get it!'

I better go find Nellie's dress.

Paula, would you see the boys get plenty of coffee.

[Richard and Tim chuckling]

[Tim humming]

- Richard. - Mm-hmm?

I am very impressed.

There's a chauffeur at the door.

He says there's a Mr. Weisman downstairs in our living room--

What the hell is Larry doing here?

Who's Larry?

You understand why we're all in a panic there.

Can you fly back this afternoon?

- We just got here. - 'So?'

(Larry) 'You've seen your parents here.'

You're healthy. They're healthy.

Uh, everybody's fine, thank God. They'll understand.

Maybe if it's that important, we should, honey.

What, uh? When do you need the pages?

Uh, Sunday, latest.

Oh, you tell us what you want. We'll do 'em here.

We'll bring 'em back on Sunday when we come back--

I-I don't think we can work here. I think we should go back.

You know, I'll tell you that Paula may have a point.

- It might be easier for you-- - We'll do it here!

Here's good. You know, where-wherever's good for you.

It doesn't matter to me, but, uh, Sunday, promise me, okay?

Goodbye, Larry.

It was good seeing you.

Oh, ho, ho, whoa, ho!

The changes, the changes.

Look, uh, one last thing about the ending.

At the end, when the characters leave the building

they have to walk off into a fake sunset.

- What are you talking about? - A fake sunset? Why?

Yeah, well, you see, Jean-Claude wants it to be surrealistic

kind of like, uh, Coppola.

So, that at the end, we're not sure

if any of it ever really happened.

Listen, I would love to stay and celebrate.

I've got to get back to New York.

I left Kenny in the hotel room.

Okay, I'll see you kids.

Oh, what are we gonna do? When do we start writing?

Saturday.

Yeah.

[sighing]

Oh, Richard, do we have to go to the party?

[Richard sighs] 'Don't start, Paula.'

It was very sweet of your parents to do this.

But do we actually have to show up?

Look.

I know you don't wanna make a big deal out of this marriage

but to my parents, it is a big deal.

'So, would you do me a favor? Would you let them help us out?'

It'll all be over in a few days and we'll be out of here.

[sighs] Okay.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

[sighs]

What'll I wear?

Why don't you wear the same thing you wore

at your parents' anniversary extravaganza?

That?

Oh, it's not likely the same crowd will be at this party.

[sighing]

Oh, I need air.

Doesn't anybody ever breathe in this place?

I need some air.

- What do you want? - 'Air!'

You want air?

You want some air? Here, I'll give you some air, Paula.

You want air, I'll give you air!

- What're you doing? - Oh, you want air?

- Or you want to talk? - Richard, Richard, stop it.

- What do you want? - I want..

- I want to take a shower. - Well, then take a shower.

[sighs]

Take it with me.

I already took a shower.

[instrumental music]

[pop music]

(Nellie) 'Wait a minute, mother.'

Let me turn this around, so, you get a better picture.

Oh, dear. God, I love weddings.

[indistinct chatter]

Hi, I'm Marion, Richard's second cousin.

This is my second husband Bob Talbot, and our daughter Toni.

Paula, I'm Bob Skinner, an old friend of Richard's

and I wanna tell you, he got some dish!

Hello, I am so pleased to meet you.

I'm Edwina Coolie. I'm not with this party.

I'm having dinner in the main part of the dining room

but I heard there were some celebrities back here.

I just want to take a peek.

Hi, Paula, congratulations. I'm Ron Barbero.

I handle all the Babsons' insurance.

Now, that you're married, if you need anything, give me a call.

(Nellie) 'Paula! Paula, don't move!'

You know how crazy it is?

You're getting married now and the rest of us

are getting rid of our first wives.

You and Barbara are splitting up?

What can I tell you, Richard?

Nice talking to you.

[music continues]

[indistinct chatter]

[mellow music]

There! That-that will be a good one. Thanks.

You're a darlin'. That's real sweet.

[all chuckling]

[no audio]

- Oh, hi, mother. Hi, Richard. - Oh, Nellie.

Oh, isn't this a wonderful party?

- I think so. - I love it.

How long have you two known each other?

- Oh, uh, a month? - Six weeks.

- How about you? - Five years.

Living together for three.

Well, no wonder you're not in a hotel room.

[chuckles] Oh, you're bad.

Are you planning to have children?

[sighs]

[scoffs] I don't know.

Really? You know, you should think about it.

I mean, you're not getting any younger.

Excuse me.

(Eleanor) 'Richard, what is it?'

'What's wrong, dear?'

Paula!

Paula!

Pau...Paula, where you going?

I'm going to the ladies' room. And I'm going to stay there.

- You alright? - I'm fine.

Just pick me up when you're ready to leave.

Take your time. Enjoy yourself.

It's a lovely party, sweetheart.

Everyone's having a wonderful time.

- I'm going to the ladies' room. - Are you crazy?

You can't spend the rest of the night in a bathroom.

They're giving this party for us.

- Now, come on, Paula. - Let go of my arm.

- Come on. - Let me go!

- Oh, my God! I'm sorry. - Oh!

- Are you alright? Oh. - What's going on?

I am sorry, Carl, we're just having a domestic squabble.

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

Paula.

I want you to take one of these.

- No. - It's just a Valium.

- It'll just relax you, come on. - I don't take drugs.

It's not a drug. It's a muscle relaxant.

Now, come on, take it.

It'll just help you calm your nerves.

Come on.

I want you to keep this with you until we get back to California.

Any time you feel tense, you take one of those.

And when we get back there, we'll sort it all out.

I don't want another scene like we had tonight. Not here.

- I'm sorry. - Mm-hmm.

I guess you think I'm pretty cute, huh?

Mm-hmm.

I guess you're pretty crazy about me, aren't you?

[sighs] Paula.

I'm in a bad mood.

I'd like to stay that way for a while.

So, don't try to make me laugh, okay?

Okay.

Richard?

- Mm-hmm. - Break an egg.

Not now.

Please, break an egg on my head. Please.

[sighs]

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I love you.

I'm sorry, honey.

[sighs] I'm always sorry.

[instrumental music]

[chuckles]

- You like it? - Oh, I like it.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Ha ha ha! - Yeah.

Yeah, thanks, Pop.

[chuckling]

- Paula? - 'Yeah?'

I'm going with Pop out to the club.

Probably spend most of the day there.

- 'Is that okay?' - Sure.

Hey, I feel much better today. Really, I do.

I really feel fine.

Oh, good.

Oh, if I get back early, we can work on the, uh, re-write.

No, that's alright, because I'm gonna spend the whole day

with your mother and Nellie. We're gonna go shopping.

We're gonna buy a wedding present for us.

Then we're going to get our hair done.

Then we're gonna go have lunch somewhere and..

- Isn't that good? - Great.

Huh?

- I took a Valium. - Oh.

(Tom) 'Come on. Come on, come on, come.'

Mm-hmm.

[humming]

Nellie, it's time to leave. Will you hurry up, for God's sake?

(Nellie) 'Mama, I just got in!'

We'll be late for the beauty parlor.

We can't keep Ramon waiting.

'Paula, dear, you ready?'

- 'Nellie!' - 'What?'

Ready.

(Nellie) 'I am ready.'

- 'Paula?' - Ready.

What are those?

Well, the ones with rings around the necks are Canadian geese.

The other ones are mallards.

I thought ducks went South for the winter.

Oh, not all of them.

Some get too old to make the trip.

I like to help out a little.

You know, mom thinks we're playing golf.

Yeah..

- So, you got married, huh? - Mm-hmm.

I guess you're too old for a father-and-son talk.

Try me.

- Are you kind? - Yes, sir.

- Patient and understanding? - Try to be.

- Got a sense of humor? - Oh, thank God.

- You know all about sex? - Ha ha, more than you.

- Don't be so sure. - Huh.

What do you think? Did I pass?

Nope.

None of those things got a goddamn thing

to do with making a marriage.

Alright, good. Because I was lying.

[both chuckling]

You know the only important thing is, do you love her?

You know, son, I've been tuning your mother out for 42 years..

...but I still love her.

I know, dad.

[geese quacking]

[instrumental music]

Paula, we should've had your nails wrapped.

Men love long-red nails on their backs.

[chuckling]

(Nellie) 'Paula?'

'Paula!'

[violin music]

(Eleanor) 'How's your chicken salad?'

What?

Your salad. Is it good?

Mm-hmm.

(Nellie) 'You know, what I was thinking, mother?'

- Mm-hmm. - Well.

Now, that Paula and Richard are moving

into a larger house, I was thinking about--

Nellie, I was thinking the very same thing.

You were? Ha ha!

(Eleanor) 'Only we're gonna have to coordinate it, though.'

So, we don't both impose at the same time.

I mean, you'll be wanting to take the boys with you.

About time they learned to swim.

- Can I get you anything else? - Mm-hmm.

Nothing more for me, thank you.

- No, thank you. - Sure.

What would you like?

Uh..

Hmm?

Well, can I get you something else, or are you all set?

- Mm-hmm. - 'Hmm.'

(Nellie) 'Now, here's another thought, mother.'

Before you say no, you give it some consideration.

Umm, if Paula and Richard did have the extra room..

...it might be a good idea if we all went out together.

'So, that way we could drive.'

'Oh, and this way, if I wanted to go out at night'

'you could baby-sit the boys.'

Of course, you won't have to do that not all the time.

Mom, some nights I could bring the date over to the house.

(Eleanor) 'Nellie, that's one hell of a long trip.'

'I just hope you don't think your father's'

gonna do all the driving. I mean, the man is old--

Did I say dad had to do the driving?

Well, all I'm just saying is how're we gonna fit--

(Nellie) 'I'm talking about planning a nice trip.'

We ought to..

[all applauding]

- Paula? - What's the matter with her?

(Eleanor) 'Oh, my God! She's fainted!'

[indistinct chatter]

(male #3) I think something happened. Like, she had a heart-attack!

Nellie, I want you to go get the car and get Richard.

Quick. Please!

[siren blaring]

(Ann) 'Alright, I know that..'

Hi.

Hi.

(Richard) 'How're you feelin'?'

Fine.

I'm sorry I embarrassed you and your family.

What happened?

I just wanted to relax.

Relax?

Well...I took a Valium.

Then, I took another one.

And then, I couldn't remember when I took the one...before.

So, I guess I took another..

...one.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

I'm sorry, honey.

Yeah.

[Patti Austen singing "How Do You Keep The Music"]

♪ How do you keep the music playing ♪

♪ How do you make it last ♪

♪ How do you keep the song ♪

♪ From fading ♪

♪ Too fast ♪

♪ How do you lose yourself to someone ♪

♪ And never lose your way ♪

♪ How do you not run out of new things ♪

♪ To say ♪

♪ And since we know we're always changing ♪

♪ How can it be the same ♪

♪ And tell me how year-after-year ♪

♪ You're sure your heart won't fall apart ♪

♪ Each time you hear ♪

♪ His name ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ The way I feel for you is now ♪

♪ Or never ♪

♪ The more I love ♪

♪ The more that I'm afraid ♪

♪ That in your eyes I may not see ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Forever ♪♪

There's a leak in the bedroom.

I just got a pot to put under it.

What the hell is going on here?

What?

[thunder rumbling]

Where did I park my car?

What?

Where did I park my goddamn car?

Probably out front.

[thunder rumbling]

[thunder rumbling]

Oh, my God, what happened?

We got married, that's what happened.

I told you that marriage would screw up the relationship.

That's not what screwed up the relationship.

Here, put this on. You're soaking.

- I don't want it. - Oh.

I don't want it.

Richard, please don't be silly.

No. I don't want it. It's not raining.

That's heaven relieving itself on my head.

Richard, please.

It's all a sign, Paula. It's all a sign.

You know why this happened, don't you?

- You know why. - No. Tell me why.

Because we got married, that's why.

That's what does it. Marriage.

- What marriage? - Our marriage.

We never had any marriage.

We went right from the ceremony to separating. No marriage.

What was that two weeks back East, Roman Holiday?

We were married then, and it ruined everything.

That was no marriage. That was two weeks in a cradle.

Oh, poor baby doesn't like being tucked in.

Doesn't like having to shovel all that mean old snow.

Look at you, trying to kill yourself in a tea-room.

I was not trying to kill myself!

Oh, no, you just had to take 14 Valium

to get through your pastrami on rye!

I did not have pastrami on rye

I had chicken salad, you asshole!

[car creaking]

[clattering]

I'm movin' out.

[instrumental music]

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Oh. Okay.

Hi, Larry.

What? The script?

Um, no, we didn't.

Uh-uh. Larry, please.

Larry. Larry, please.

Larry, don't get crazy, okay?

Alright, I-I-I'll try and find Richard.

Well, I don't know where he is, okay?

I'll just try and find him.

Alright! Alright!

Jeez!

Oh, gee, man, I would love to, I can't today.

Yeah, I got my kid with me right now. Yeah, yeah, Kenny.

Yeah. He's right here in the office with me.

Yeah, well, I tell you, I like to give Karen a break

'every once in a while.'

'Gil, you wanna say hello to Kenny?'

'Yeah, he's a big boy now. Yeah, he talks and everything.'

'Uh.. Hold a second.'

'Kenny, honey, come here, say hello to Uncle Gil.'

'I'm sorry, babe. All of a sudden he's shy.'

'He doesn't want to come to the phone.'

'Okay, I'll talk to you later. Yeah. Okay, now..'

'Yeah. Lunch soon. Promise me, okay? Don't let me down, man.'

'Okay. Bye-bye, Gil.'

Okay.

Well, where is it?

We ran into a little snag. We're not quite finished.

Snag?

You guys, y-you ran into...a little snag?

I have a $10-million movie here with no ending

because you guys ran into a little snag?

Only writers use words like that. Snag.

A snag you have. Wh-what's a snag, huh?

You promised! You guys promised me!

Larry..

...we separated.

Well, I'm really very sorry to hear that, guys. I really am.

It's a shame, but what's that got to do with my movie, huh?

I want those pages.

I don't think we can work together.

No, no, no, don't tell me that.

Oh, no, no, I don't want to hear that. No!

Look, I am going to put you guys in an office

'right next door here, and I wanna see the new pages today.'

You got that? You understand?

You're not listening to her, Larry, you--

No! I'm not listening to her.

I'm not listening to you. I've got a problem!

I will listen to your problem when the work is done.

- You want the work done? - Yes, I do!

Why don't you get Kenny to do it?

That is not funny. That is low.

And you just leave Kenny out of this, okay?

And believe me, that kid would never do to me

what you guys are doing to me now.

Now, both of you are professionals.

I want you to do it, okay?

And I don't want to see either one of you

until the work is done.

We are gonna shoot in the morning.

I want the pages now. Is that understood?

Carol?

Will you come in here and show them the office, please.

If you want me, I'll be on the set.

It's just next door here.

Larry took the phones out so you wouldn't be disturbed.

So if, if you need anything, just holler.

'Are you two alright?'

No.

No, we're not alright.

(Richard) 'Wanna take a break?'

Uh, sure.

Let's send out for some food.

No, I wanna go somewhere. I'm starving.

- What do you want to eat? - I don't care. Anything.

Chinese?

No, I'm not in the mood for Chinese.

Mexican? The Villa Taco?

I don't know, I'm not sure what I want. Something.

Thai. There's a Thai restaurant near here.

Nah.

Italian. You always liked Italian.

Anything.

French. Deli food. Hungarian.

Too heavy. Go ahead. Whatever, whatever you want.

Japanese. Tempura.

Sukiyaki, teriyaki.

Anything like that appeal to you?

- I don't care. Whatever. - How about shit on a shingle?

Alright, that's not funny. I said it didn't matter.

Well, Jesus! We can't make up our mind on anything.

We're talking about stinkin' food here!

- Well, I'm not hungry anymore. - Well, I am.

- Well, go eat! - No.

I go and eat, I come back, then you want to eat.

We're gonna stay here.

We're gonna stay here until we finish the goddamn scene.

[typewriter keys clacking]

Leo...pushes..

...the...door...open.

(Paula) 'And heads down an empty hallway.'

Down...a darkened...hallway.

An empty, darkened hallway.

Alright. Alright An empty, darkened hallway.

What do you think? There's gonna be a crowd?

It's 4 O'clock in the morning.

- He appears to be confused. - Appears..

He stops at the door to Jacobson's office.

He listens.

There's no sound from within.

'He then very slowly takes his hand..'

- Are you dictating? - No.

It sounds like you're dictating.

- I'm not dictating. - Well, it sounds like you are.

I mean, you got the ending all--

Well, hey, you can jump in any time, you know.

Well, thank you very much. That's very nice of you.

Well, What do you wanna say?

Well, I'm not saying what you said

wasn't alright. It's just your attitude.

You're treating me like a secretary.

Oh, I'm very sorry. Would you like me to type?

Yes, I would.

Especially, since you got the ending all worked out..

I do not have the ending all worked out.

Well, then what are we gonna do? We ought to talk about it.

We can't have Leo walking down corridors for the rest his life.

He does not have to be walking down a corridor!

Well, that's alright if he does.

But what's gonna happen afterwards?

Well, we were just getting to that.

No, you were getting to that. We've never discussed it.

Alright, let's just discuss it now, okay? Sit down.

We'll talk about it.

Now..

He's in the corridor...alone, right?

So? I don't know.

I mean, either he has to go into Jacobson's office

or into his own.

So what do you think?

Hello?

'Do you have something to say?'

I'm thinking.

Well, how am I supposed to know that? You're staring.

Well, what am I supposed to stare at when I'm thinking?

When you think, you stare.

You want me to hold up a sign that says "I'm thinking"?

Oh, please. Forget it.

Well what the hell are we gonna do?

Just because our relationship's in the toilet

doesn't mean we can't work together, does it?

[knock on door]

Hi, how's it going? Where are we now?

In the corridor.

We're still in the corridor?

He's on another floor!

Oh, oh, good.

Hey, listen, kids. Karen and I went through

some pretty rough times together, too.

Commitment. Discipline. Make it work.

I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna kill him.

'I'm gonna kill him dead.'

'I'm gonna take his head off.'

I'm gonna chop it up in little pieces.

I'm gonna grind him down. I'm gonna step on him.

And then maybe I'll feed him to the dog.

Oh, God!

I'm going to tell Larry we can't do it.

Oh, come on. It's one stinkin' scene.

We've been here since 11 O'clock this morning.

We're not gonna do it.

- Wanna quit, huh? - Quit?

I'm not the one who's riding the bike.

Oh, God. I can't stand this.

I'm going crazy.

I'm really gonna go crazy in here.

You want me to tell him?

You want me to tell him we can't write two lousy pages?

I'll tell him. Larry, we can't write two lousy pages!

There, I told him. Do you feel better?

Yeah, all of a sudden you know just what to say, don't you?

Just got got all the words to put together now.

What's that supposed to mean?

That means for the last 14 hours

you have not contributed one thing to this scene!

I see.

This is what you wrote. You like that?

You wrote this too. Isn't that great?

Are you proud of what you wrote?

Isn't this nice stuff that you wrote here?

- You like it? - Yes, I like it.

- Do you want it framed? - I damn well like it!

Let me tell you one thing, you little shit!

I'm better than you are.

- What? - Any day.

Oh, God! It's locked!

Larry! God!

Did you think he's stupid enough to lock us in here?

- Is the door locked? - Yes, it's locked.

If the door is locked, then he locked us in.

Well, How do you know he locked us in here?

Because the door is locked. Is the door locked?

Yes! So we can't get out!

Did you try to get out? Yes.

And you couldn't get out. So it's locked!

'God! Do you understand the word "Locked"?'

'That means you can't get out! You tried to get out, you..'

I need air. I need air.

She doesn't understand the word "Locked".

- Locked! L-O-C-K-E-D! - Air.

Air? You want air? I'll give you air!

Here. There's air! Come here. Stick your snout out there!

Are you getting any air? You getting some air?

[crying]

[mellow music]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Let's not go through any more pain.

We'll file for divorce in the morning, alright?

[sobbing] Do you know what the worst part is?

It's that right now

I need to go and tell my best friend all my problems.

But you're my best friend, and I'm losing you.

You're not losing me. I'll always be your best friend.

But that's not who I wanted to marry.

When you get married you're supposed to..

...have romance and passion and all that.

We didn't have any.

Yes, we did. We had it all.

Then why couldn't we just have left it alone?

Because I loved you so much.

I wanted to say it to the whole world.

You didn't want to marry your best friend. I did.

We had it all, Paula.

[mellow music]

That could have been the best exit line of your life.

'I know. I forgot it was locked.'

Well..

...I guess you're stuck with me, huh.

- I know.. - I said the perfect..

- I know. - Then I went to the door..

- I know. - It was, I mean..

- Come here. - Did you hear what I said?

- I did. Every word. - I said I loved you.

I love you, too.

I wasn't gonna leave, I was gonna go somewhere

and then call you.

I know.

- I have a wonderful idea. - What?

How would you like to make love to a married woman?

Now, maybe.

Oh. Come on.

Why don't you try?

I'm told we're great.

Oh, yeah?

I'll do my best.

- Honey, you were right. - Hm.

Leo and Jacobson don't have to go into the corridor at all.

They don't even have to go in the building.

I don't give a shit.

[laughing]

You will.

Woof! This is good.

This is good, woof! Wait till Kenny reads this.

Two weeks, tops. This is good.

Well..

"Leo's out in the corridor." No, he's in the corr..

No, he's out. Good.

"He goes out of the corridor, leaves the building.."

[birds chirping]

[instrumental music]

♪ How do you keep ♪

♪ The music playing ♪

♪ How do you make it last ♪

♪ How do you ♪

♪ Keep the sun from fading ♪

♪ Too fast ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ The way I feel for you ♪

♪ Is now or never ♪

♪ The more I love ♪

♪ The more that I'm afraid ♪

♪ That in your eyes ♪

♪ I may not see forever ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ If we can be ♪

♪ The best of lovers ♪

♪ Yet be the best ♪

♪ Of friends ♪

♪ If we can try ♪

♪ With every day to make it better ♪

♪ As it grows ♪

♪ With any luck that I suppose ♪

♪ The music ♪

♪ Never ends ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ I know ♪

♪ The way I feel for you ♪

♪ Is now or never ♪

♪ The more I love ♪

♪ The more the I'm afraid ♪

♪ That in your eyes ♪

♪ I may not see forever ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ If we can be ♪

♪ The best of lovers ♪

♪ Yet be the best of friends ♪

♪ If we can try with every day ♪

♪ To make it better ♪

♪ As it grows ♪

♪ With any luck then I suppose ♪

♪ The music ♪

♪ Never ♪

♪ Ends ♪♪