All language subtitles for Best Friends 1982 1080p FDNG WEB-DL DDP 2 0 H 264-PiRaTeS_Subtitles01.ENG

[birds chirping]

[keyboard clacking]

(male #1)
'"Oh, Lord."'

(female #1)
'"Shit."'

[woman yawns]

'"Remember when
I was in school'

'"I always thought of you
as my best friend'

'"even though you were
two grades behind me.'

'"I guess that was mainly
because the other kids'

'"used to poke fun at me
all the time.'

'"I mean, Daddy and Harold
and Jim'

'"they used to make me
feel real funny'

'"you know, like I wasn't
even a woman.'

'"Even Mother made me
feel awkward.'

'"I mean, the way she used to
just stare at me all the time.'

'It was as if she was watching
herself grow up, not me."'

(male #1)
'"At least you got attention."'

(female #1)
'"Well, somebody staring at you
isn't attention.'

'It's, it's more like, uh..
I don't know."'

(male #1)
'"You feel sorry for yourself
a lot, don't you?"'

(female #1)
'"I don't think so."'

(male #1)
'"No, you do. You always have."'

(female #1)
'"Oh, God.'

'"It's amazing, you know,
every time I try'

'to share something with you
I get slapped in the face."'

(male #1)
'"Why do you get so defensive?"'

(female #1)
'"Because I'm getting attacked,
that's why.'

'Now, come on, Diane,
you know what you're doing."'

"Look, I'm your sister.

"And I suppose I love you.

"But I'm having trouble
working up sympathy

for your unhappy childhood."

"Here we go again. You had to
wear my hand-me-downs, right?"

"Well, didn't I? Didn't I have
to wear all your old clothes?

"I had one new dress
in a five-year period.

'"Wasn't just the clothes
being second-hand'

'"they didn't fit.'

"The sweaters
were all too small.

"I was so embarrassed
about having large breasts.

Then with your tight sweaters
accentuating everything.."

"They made you real popular.

"It's not the way
I wanted to be popular.

But I was, wasn't I?
More so than you."

"Shut up."

"Remember the time
the four of us

went down to the lake?"

"Shut up."

- "You remember that afternoon."
- "Shut up!"

"I've never heard you
mention it since.

Let's talk about it now."

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

Is it too much?

Too talky.

'Sounds like
bad Tennessee Williams.'

Hmm..

Breasts too large, Richard?

Every female character you
create has breasts too large.

Hmm..

But I make them suffer for it.

Well, I think I'll take
my obviously inadequate body

into the kitchen
and get some more caffeine.

- Uh-uh.
- Mm-hmm.

Let's lie down
and discuss the next scene.

Well, it's 11 o'clock.
What is it?

I can't tell you.
I have to show you.

Well..

[chuckling]

[instrumental music]

Is it visual?

Oh. It's visual.

Very visual.

Is it funny?

Oh, if you wanna laugh..

...it's okay.

Can we take a break
afterwards, honey?

Oh, yes.

You know, writing
is...so exhausting.

[instrumental music]

'Yes, sir? Can I help you?'

Babson and McCullen
to see Larry Weisman.

Okay. Just turn left,
then right, and you'll be there.

Thank you.

(Richard)
'Oh, God, it's been six months'

'and I haven't found
the right color for that car.'

I love that car
but it's driving me crazy.

Yeah,
it's driving me crazy, too.

So what are we gonna tell him
about the book?

We're gonna tell him we're not
gonna write the screenplay.

Good. You tell him.

I'm not gonna tell him.
It's your turn.

- You're gonna tell him.
- Oh! I don't want to.

Please? You tell him.

You're better with words
than I am.

So what do you think
about the book?

It stinks.

Paula?

Well, um, I think..

Well, I don't think that
it makes a screenplay, Larry.

- Do-do we?
- No.

Good. I was just testing you.

You guys are honest with me.
You've got integrity.

I like that.

Mr. Weisman, Bob Prentiss
is on the phone.

'He wants to know
if you can play tennis--'

Yeah, yeah, I know.
Um..

No, no, I-I don't have the right
tennis shoes with me today.

Shall I tell him that, that you
don't have the right shoes?

No. No, don't tell him that.
I'll speak to him.

Hello, Bobby?

Yeah. I would-I would love
to play with you today.

No, I can't.

It's my kid.

He's very ill.

'I'll tell you, I just wouldn't
be able to enjoy myself today.'

'I-I just wanna stay here
by the phone'

'in case I'm needed at home.'

Aw. That's very sweet.
That's.. No.

No, there's nothing, really.

'Okay, Bobby. Bye-bye.'

Oh!

They're gonna be wrapping our
movie in about two weeks tops.

- Great.
- How's it look?

- Woof.
- Woof?

I love it! Oh, please.

- It all works.
- Yeah?

'And remember the hassling
about the ending?'

- Yeah.
- I love the ending.

I-I like the rhythm,
I-I like the tone

the way it moves,
the way it flows.

I think you're gonna be
real happy with it.

- Can we see it?
- No, you can't see it.

You know better than that. The
director doesn't work like that.

But trust me, it is good.
It is damn good.

Hey, look, I wanna do
a new project with you guys, eh.

Come on, let's put [indistinct]

I like you. You like me.

I think we got
a pretty good combination here.

These are good. Goddammit.
This is exactly what I wanted.

This is exactly it, okay?
Good work. Good work.

I knew you would get it.
Just got to be a little patient.

Oh, boy. Oh, it feels right.

Oh, this is..
Oh, boy, I like this.

- Carol?
- 'Uh-huh.'

Is he coming back?

Oh, no, he's gone now.

What does he really think
about the movie?

I don't know.
He hasn't seen any of it yet.

Probably didn't have
the right shoes on.

[chuckles]

Hey, you guys moved
into your new house yet?

Well, we still got
a little work to do.

Oh, buying a house
together means

you'll probably be
getting married, huh?

Listen, we're gonna try that new
restaurant across the street.

How is it?

I don't know. I have asthma.

(male #2)
'Your table's
right this way, gentlemen.'

(Richard)
'This place is just a little
overdone, don't you think?'

I mean, what is this, mulch?

Honey, do you think
Larry lies about everything?

Probably.

'Cause Carol said
he hadn't seen it

which means that he's lying
about having seen it

rather than having seen it
and then lying

about whether it's good or not.

What?

Oh. Thank you.

You have trouble
finding your way back?

We just leave a trail of crumbs.

Enjoy.

Hm...a bit scary
buying a house isn't it?

Words like "Escrow"..

Well, it's a nice,
strong adult word.

I know. I hate it.

Mmm. Hm, this is sensational.

- Well, try some.
- I got some.

No, I put it together
much better than you do.

Come on, try it.

See?

Tastes good.

We're good together, aren't we?

Funny, Carol thinking
we're getting married, huh.

Well, you know, tradition.

You buy a house,
you get married.

Well, if you think about it,
I mean, you know..

....we rent our house

we lease our car,
we live together.

Do you feel there's a lack
of commitment there somehow?

I got committed to a house.

- What are we doing, Paula?
- What?

(Richard)
Buying this house,
living together

nagging at each other,
not nagging each other

making love,
not making love?

For God's sake, Paula,
we act like we're married.

Richard, I thought we made
an agreement a long time ago

that we would live together.

And if we changed our minds,
then we'd see.

I changed my mind.

Well, I haven't.

Paula, if you were my age,
you'd understand.

Alright, let's wait till
I'm your age

and then we'll discuss it.

Paula, there's some statements
I wanna make with my life.

You're one of 'em.

Living with you just says that
you're my lover and my friend.

It doesn't state
that you're the woman

I intend to spend
the rest of my life with.

Marriage makes that statement.

Marry me, Paula.

- Oh, honey.
- What?

I don't know what to say.

Let's talk about it later, okay?

That's great. That's perfect.

They moved
into their dream house

and they dated happily
ever after.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

I'm gonna lose Richard.

What are you afraid of?

I don't know.

I just keep thinking
that life is in three stages.

That you're born,
you get married

and then you die.

[whispering]
Wait a minute,
so you think that if you..

...never get married,
you'll never die?

Something like that.

- Do me a favor.
- Yeah.

- Put him down for me.
- Sure.

Quiet.

Shh, shh, shh.

I'm not very good at this.

Shh, shh. Oh.

[sighs]

Anyway, you know,
I associate marriage

with having to grow up.

Now, we've already done that.
Why have it rubbed in our faces?

'And another thing.'

'You spend your whole life'

trying to achieve
a little personality

a little individuality

only to get married
and be referred to

as someone's wife.

A missus.
Mrs. Richard Babson.

Hm. No, thank you.
Uh-uh.

No, thank you very much.

What is this, a Manhattan?

With lots of cherries.

- It's good.
- God.

I haven't had one of these
in years.

It's so adult.

Yeah. Oh, my God.

- Can I have another drink?
- Alright.

Listen, listen.

All of the reasons
are all well and good

but what it comes down to
in the end

is whether or not you love him.

- I love him.
- Well, then, okay.

You're gonna have to resolve it
one way or another

or you're just gonna
destroy the relationship.

See, the..

I forgot
what I was talking about.

- My life.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, it sounds to me

like Richard wants marriage

more than you don't want
marriage.

Now, he is willing to try more..

Yeah, he wants it more strongly

than you don't want it.

What?

What what? What did I say?

You said that I want.. No.

Wait, you said
Richard doesn't want, um..

No, you said Richard wants..

- Does Richard want something?
- What?

You said that Richard
wants something.

That he wants something.
What-what, what does he want?

- Who?
- Richard!

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

(Richard)
'Was it possible? Could it be?'

'Then a lizard'

'ran across
all their paws'

but they all held their ground.

(Paula)
'Honey, remind me
to call home later tonight.'

All was silent

except for a dachshund
that sneezed.

'And then there was
a puff of smoke'

'and a magician appeared.'

I feel like something is wrong.

"Aha!" he chortled and exhorted.

And then, with a wave
of his magic chew-stick

their flea collars started

spinning around
on their necks.

Well, the collie
got so frightened

'he peed on the spaniel's leg.'

Hello?

What?

I feel like something's wrong.
I'm worried about my folks.

They're just getting old,
honey, that's all.

I know. I think
they're gonna die soon.

- Paula.
- Well, it's possible.

So I just practice.

Practice?

Well, I pretend they're dead

and then I really get myself
very unhappy

you know, and then
I feel the grief.

And then I guess, it's just..

I'm preparing for
when it actually happens.

Let me get this straight.

You kill your parents off
in your mind

so you won't feel bad
when they die?

That's how much I love them.

You're very sick, Paula.

You're beyond Black Irish.

Honey, let's go back east.

My parents are celebrating
their 40th wedding anniversary

and...I'd like you to meet them.

Before they die?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't think I'd do too well
with your parents.

Why not?

Well..

...your preoccupation
with death.

I just have to assume
you're the tip of the iceberg.

I'm gonna take a shower.

[instrumental music]

You didn't stay to hear
my whole idea.

Well, I've been thinking
about what you said.

'And, um..'

'Well, you know how I feel
about change.'

'I'm not very good at change,
you know that.'

'And I'm not impulsive,
you know.'

(Richard)
'Who is this?'

Richard, it's very hard to be
serious in a shower.

- Please help me.
- Oh..

What do you want?

Well...I've had a lot of time

to think it over

and I think we should..

- What?
- Go ahead and do it.

- Do what?
- Um..

- You know.
- You know what?

Get..

Get..

...married.

Are you sure?

I didn't push you into this?

No.

I love you, Paula.

[instrumental music]

- Honey.
- Hmm.

If we get married

would you promise me one thing?

Anything, darling.

We won't tell anyone.

[laughs]

The limousine what?

The limousine pulls up

in front
of a three-story building.

A nondescript building..

...sitting in the middle of..

Uh, no. Sitting among--

Among the buildings,
among the..

...steel structures of--

No, in the countryside.

Isolated countryside.

- Yeah. I-isolated..
- That's good.

Better.

"Waterproofing,
weather-stripping

"weaving, webbing..

...weddings."

'Webbing, weddings..'

What comes after wedding?

- Welding.
- Oh, that's appropriate.

It's right in there
with "Webbing" and "Welding."

"Now And Forever
Wedding Chapel."

Too cute.

"Chapel of the Two Bells.

"We rent kneeling benches,
candelabras

and caged, live,
white whispering doves."

No, I want a wedding chapel
that says

"We give sodium pentathol."

[chuckles]
Here's a good one.

"Uh, Los Hermanos
Wedding Chapel."

It says "Se habla Espanol.
No one else is necessary-o"

'What?'

It means if you're Spanish
and insane

you get married in 10 minutes.

That's it. Where is it?

"Uh, 1-2-7-2-2, Alvarado Street.

Half a block south
of the Burrito King."

Oh, that's perfect. It's on
the way to the train station.

Nobody will see us.

Help me.

You know, maybe we should fly.
I've been thinking about this.

Three days on a train.

Three days to think
about meeting your parents.

Oh, trains are so romantic.

Remember "Giant"?

Remember the scene on the train
with Elizabeth Taylor

and Rock Hudson?

"Love in the Afternoon",
with Audrey Hepburn

and Gary Cooper.

Remember?

Remember Teresa Wright
in "Since You Went Away"?

Teresa Wright didn't get
on the train.

Oh. Well, honey

you're-you're gonna love it,
I promise.

God, we're really
gonna do it, aren't we?

Kiss me. I'm nervous.

Kiss me again.

You promise
that once we get married

it's not gonna screw
everything up?

No, it's not gonna screw
anything up.

Everything's gonna be better.

- We're even gonna write better.
- Oh, good.

Right, we'll get better.

Yeah, that's wonderful, honey.

That's great.

Because if it doesn't, you know

I'm just gonna have to kill you
in your sleep.

[instrumental music]

Here you are.

You two getting married?

No, we're just
visiting relatives.

- Be about 20 minutes.
- It's your money.

Right.

- What time did he say?
- Whenever we get here.

[speaking Spanish]

(Richard)
'Excuse me.'

'Uh, The Los Hermanos
Wedding Chapel?'

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

- What's she saying?
- I don't know.

Of course, you realize
what you are about to do

is a very serious step.

'It is not to be taken light.'

You fully agree, but I have
to ask this of everybody.

- We're very sure.
- Yeah.

Alright.

We will begin.

Shouldn't we stand up
or something?

No, that is not necessary.

'But if you like, alright.'

God, honey, here we go.

- 'Are you ready?'
- Yes!

This is the English ceremony.

I do not know it as well
as in Spanish.

So if you will forgive me

I will...I will read it.

"I, Richard Babson.."

You, now, you repeat it
after me, what I say.

"I, Richard Babson.."

I, Richard Babson..

"...take thee,
Paula McCullen.."

...take thee, Paula McCullen..

'"...to be my lawful
wedded wife.."'

...to be my lawful
wedded wife..

'"...for better
or for worse.."'

...for better or for worse..

"...in sickness
and in health.."

...in sickness and in health..

'"...with love and affection.."'

...with love and affection..

'...I dee endo."'

I..

I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

"I dee endo."

I dee endo.

[laughing]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I-I always, um, laugh
when I get nervous.

That's alright.

It is to be understood.

'Alright. Now, will you please
repeat it after me.'

'"I, Paula McCullen.."'

I, Paula McCullen..

'"...take thee,
Richard Babson.."'

...take thee, Richard Babson..

"...to be my lawful
wedded husband.."

...to be my lawful
wedded husband..

'"...for better or for worse.."'

...for better or for worse..

'"...in sickness
and in health.."'

...in sickness and in health..

'"...with love and affection.."'

...with love and affection..

'"...I dee endo."'

What?

I don't understand that.

"I dee endo."

I dee endo.

And by all the power vested
in me by the State of California

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

And you may kiss the bride.

I have this ring.

You don't have to wear it,
you can just...keep it.

'I am very happy for you.'

The witnesses signed the
certificate before you arrived.

And they will be sent to you
in about a month.

- Well, many congratulations.
- 'Thank you.'

And congratulations,
Mrs. Babson.

- Don't call me that.
- Oh.

Oh. Very well. Very well.

[instrumental music]

♪ Love is only the beginning ♪

♪ What a sweet beginning ♪

♪ Sunny skies ahead ♪

♪ Like the weatherman said ♪

♪ Did it ever feel
this good before ♪

♪ Could you get much more
from a kiss ♪

♪ Here with you
it's easy to ♪

♪ Think about love ♪

♪ You think about me ♪
♪ You think about me ♪

♪ I'll think about you ♪
♪ I'll think about you.. ♪

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

What? What..

It's alright.
It's alright.

Everybody does this.

- Alright, I'll get it.
- Sorry.

- Oh..
- Sorry..

Sorry.

- Honeymooners, eh?
- Yeah!

Thank you.

♪ Love me like
it's for the first time ♪

♪ And then imagine ♪

♪ It's the last time ♪

♪ Only you and me ♪

♪ Like we dreamed it would be ♪

♪ Soon the early morning sun
will rise ♪

♪ But we'll close our eyes
to it all ♪

♪ Then day or night ♪
♪ Then day or night ♪

♪ Dark or light ♪
♪ dark or light ♪

[train honking]

Oh.

- Are you comfortable, honey?
- Oh!

- Huh?
- Oh.

[bell ringing]

Listen, you get on the inside.
Let me get on the outside.

- Alright.
- One of us will fall out.

- Wait, honey.
- Yeah, what?

- Damn it, my hair.
- Huh, oh, I'll fix it.

Jesus.

I got this.

Here. Pull this.

Here. Wait a minute.

- Thank you.
- Okay?

Yeah, I just have to stay on
my back, you know because..

Don't worry,
we'll get comfortable.

Okay, I never learned
how to sleep on the side.

- Ah, that's good.
- This is good?

♪ You think about me ♪

♪ You think about me ♪

♪ I'll think about you ♪

♪ I'll think about you ♪

♪ And all of the crazy things ♪

♪ That we can do.. ♪♪

Honey, there are
those honeymooners.

Hi, guys,
how far are you goin'?

- How far are you goin'?
- Buffalo.

Oh, great.
We're going to Toledo.

We'll be with you
most of the way.

Don't bother 'em, kids.

[keyboard playing off-key]

♪ So it's goodbye ♪

♪ Loneliness ♪

♪ We're leavin' you
and you kind behind ♪

♪ We're starting out ♪

♪ We're on our way ♪

♪ Saying with loving ♪

♪ All there is to say.. ♪

[gargling]

♪ You think about me ♪

♪ You think about me ♪

♪ I'll think about you ♪

♪ I'll think about you ♪

♪ And all of the crazy things ♪

♪ That we can do ♪

♪ I know what waits for us ♪

♪ After we've wined and dined ♪

[bell ringing]

Please, watch your step.

Oh, dear God, it's freezing.

Don't they have any
redcaps or red tops

or whatever they're called?

I haven't shaved in three days.

I don't see them.

You think we've been
in Buffalo long enough?

- Oh, Richard.
- Well, I'm cold.

I started
getting cold in Arizona.

It's not that cold.
Now we are in Buffalo.

No offence, but can't I meet
your parents some other time?

I'm too old
to meet your parents.

Oh, there they are!

- 'Mom!'
- Ah, there she is!

Mom! Hi!

- Give me a hug!
- Hi, Daddy!

Oh, Richard.
Mom, Dad, this is Richard.

Welcome to the family, Richard.

Thank you, sir.

- Richard?
- Yes?

You married our little girl.

Yes. Thank you.

- We're in a lot of trouble.
- Oh, I almost forgot.

I brought you your oranges.
Your favorite kind.

All the way from California.

The ones from
Florida are juicier.

Oh, don't pick up the black one,
sir, it's very heavy!

Richard, don't bother.
It's the Irish Martyr Syndrome.

- Let me take something.
- Mother, just stay there.

- Don't slip.
- I'm fine.

- How do I look?
- Disgusting.

Thank you.

- Okay. Let's go.
- Come on, Richard.

Mom, hold this a minute.

What are you going that way for?

We'll go to the end of the
platform and take the stairs.

It's easier.

No one takes the tunnel anymore.

- What are those glasses?
- It's nothing.

I had a
cataract operation last month.

Why didn't you tell me?

Your mother thought it was best
for you children not to know.

Children?

The only problem is
now I have no depth perception.

Your mother is like a cat
with a bell around its neck.

You know, you can tell
where she is by the sound

of something crashing
to the floor.

You poor thing!

Good idea
to come up these stairs.

A lot faster.

Jesus Christ!
It's even cold inside.

- Dear God, it's cold!
- Hell, this ain't nothing.

Actually, I never felt it cold
enough to wear an overcoat.

Mother, be very careful.
It's icy here.

You must call Mary Theresa
as soon as we get home.

Mother, I'll call
her when I want to.

Well, she'll be
deeply hurt if you don't.

Mother, please.

Alright, alright, I'm sorry.
I won't bother you anymore.

Shit.

[engine turns over]

[engine revving]

(Tim)
'So, this is your first
visit to Buffalo, eh, Richard?'

(Richard)
'Yes, sir.
Very interesting city.'

One thing about living in L.A.,
you miss that beautiful snow.

Snow kills.

You should see Buffalo
when everything's frozen.

Everything is frozen, Mother.

Where are we going?
This isn't the way home.

Tom Hanrahan died last week.
Your father wanted

to stop off at his funeral
for just a moment.

Tom Hanrahan, Dad,
I thought you never liked him.

I hated the son of a bitch.

I knew you were just
the tip of the iceberg.

(Tim)
'I'll be back in a second.'

'No, Ellie, Ellie,
you stay in there.'

'It's very slippery out here.
I'll be back.'

How do you think
your father looks?

He looks fine.
Why, is something wrong?

Well, you know

since his stroke,
he's been a little strange.

He hardly ever talks.

And I found some, um

pornographic magazines under
his socks, real beaver shots.

Mother!
Where did you know that word?

Excuse me, I think
I'm gonna get some air.

You don't have to go.
You are part of the family now.

I appreciate that.

It's just that I get a little
claustrophobic in a car.

I don't know if
it's me or what

but there's nothing
between us anymore, sexually.

Do you have
any idea what's wrong?

Oh, I suppose when you're with
someone for so long, they become

so familiar that one day, you
just forget to do it anymore.

Is it still
that important to you?

Oh, yes.
I love sex.

It feels so funny to be
talking to you like this.

All you ever told me
about sex was that

when it was right,
it could be wonderful.

Even when it's wrong,
it can be wonderful.

- 'More tea?'
- 'Thank you.'

(Tim)
'I must say it
scared the hell out of me.'

My brother Patrick
was a fine doctor.

- Mother! Mother, Be careful.
- I'm sorry.

(Tim)
'Yeah, my brother Patrick
was a man who respected'

'life on all levels.'

Richard, giving you an example.
Turtle soup.

'Loved turtle soup.
Made it from scratch.'

Now, here's what
I am talking about.

He wasn't the kind of man
who'd just take the turtle

and toss it into the boiling
water, or crack its shell

or whatever it is that
you might say that would cause

'pain to the turtle.'

- 'You know what he'd do?'
- 'More pie?'

- 'No, thank you.'
- Paula, get Richard more pie.

'You're a married woman now.'

Start doing a little
for your husband.

Mother, he doesn't
want any more pie.

And if he did,
he could get it himself.

Richard, Richard, he'd take
that turtle into the cellar

place it on the ground

and he'd go over and sit
on the other side of the room

on the floor with
a bottle of bourbon

'and a rifle across his knees.'

'And he'd sit there,
and he'd sit there'

'and he'd sit and he'd wait.'

And he'd wait for that
turtle to just pop its head out

from underneath that shell.

And the moment it did,
pow! Blow its head off.

No pain to the turtle.
Soup for Patrick.

[laughing]

I used to play the cello
before I was married.

Patrick was patient man.

You have to be
patient to play the cello.

- 'Not an aggressive--'
- 'You know what?'

You know what, Richard? He
always got what he waited for.

I was quite promising. I played
with musicals here in Buffalo.

We were going to
tour all Europe..

- Mommy used to say--
- I met Paula's father--

I'm sorry.

Oh, did I interrupt?
I'm so sorry.

- No. You go ahead.
- No, I finished.

- No, please.
- Really. Go ahead.

Well, I'll help you
clean up, mother.

Thank you.

Mommy used to say,
"Why can't you be like Patrick?"

'How could I be like Patrick?'

'Patrick was Patrick,
and I was who I was, you know.'

But I'll never forget that.
Patrick. Patrick.

Mommy used to say, "Timmy, why
can't you be like Patrick?"

Honey?

- Honey?
- 'Hmm..'

- You alright?
- No, I am not alright.

You have very strange
parents, you know that?

There's not a double bed in this
whole house. Only single beds.

'Just single beds.'

Doesn't anybody
sleep together in this place?

These aren't single bed.
They're antiques.

That's not an antique,
that's a single bed.

I am on my honeymoon.
I want to sleep with my wife.

Honey, we can sleep together,
when we get to your folks house.

Are you crazy?
That's a week from now.

I know, I know it sounds crazy

but if we slept
in the same room

my parents would think
we were having sex.

Oh, really?
You're acting like a teenager.

Well, this is my teenage room.

This isn't a room
for sexual relations

it's a room for slumber parties.

Paula, I want you
to listen to me very carefully.

We're on very shaky ground here.
Very shaky ground.

What do you mean?

Well, getting married is a very
traumatic experience, right?

My coming back here to Buffalo

to meet your parents,
that's traumatic, right?

- Right.
- Alright.

Well, no matter how old
you are, you're still a child

to your parents, right?

Right.

You know what
that makes you right now?

- What?
- A married baby.

- You're sick.
- So let's go to bed.

Let's take a shower together.
You can soap me down.

You can soap me up.

(Ellie)
'Paula! Are you upstairs?'

- Honey, I can't.
- What?

What do you mean you can't?
We're married.

Well, I know, but I feel funny
with my parents and everything.

- I don't feel very comfortable.
- Why?

- We make noise.
- I won't make noise.

Sweet dreams.

Dear God! Is that the way
it's gonna be?

For Christ's sake!
Freezing to death.

Sleeping in a bed..

[muttering]

Good Lord.

[knocks on the door]

Yes?

- Are you comfortable?
- Oh, yes. I'm fine.

I put some towels and a
washcloth in your bathroom.

Is there anything else I can do?

No, thank you.

Have you any laundry
that needs washing?

Any dirty underwear?

No.

Well, I just wanted a moment
to tell you how happy we are.

Paula is very precious to us.

(Richard)
'I love your
daughter very much.'

Well, that's all that matters.

Nightie-night.

Would you like me to
leave the hall light on?

No.

Goodnight, then.
Sweet dreams.

I can't take it anymore.
I'm not used to this.

And I'm not used to the cold.

And I am not used
to being sexually deprived.

I am standing before you
with a frozen erection.

Don't tell my mother,
she'll put a mitten on it.

I am not kidding, Paula.

(Paula)
'If we left before
mom and dad's anniversary'

'they'd be very hurt.'

[gunshot]

My father!
He's killed himself!

[gunshot]

Goddamn pigeons!
Filthy creatures!

Why don't they stay
downtown where they belong!

Oh, my God, daddy,
you scared me to death.

I hate pigeons.

Look at them fat bastards!

[gunshot]

'Bastards!'

[gunshot]

Breakfast, everyone!

(Tim)
'Damn filthy sons of bitches.'

That dirty, dirty
crapped all over the roof.

I think I winged
one of them, though!

(Ellie)
'Come on, now. Hurry up.
Everything's hot.'

Mother, he's scaring the
neighborhood half to death.

He's so like his brother Patrick
only not as good a shot.

Well, he shouldn't
be doing that.

It's alright.
He never hurts anything.

Yeah, it gives
him something to do.

That's right, Richard.
Just sit down.

Daddy, aren't you
having breakfast?

No, no, I already
had a little something.

I'll, uh, I'll be upstairs
taking care of a few things.

Excuse me.

- Mom, is dad alright?
- Oh, yes.

This is the time
of day he locks himself

in the bathroom
with those magazines.

- Can I help you?
- No, you just relax.

I've got a little
surprise for Richard.

Grits! I made you some grits.

Just the way you
southerners like it.

Thank you.

I hate grits.
What will I do with this stuff?

She's been up since 6 O'clock
this morning making them.

You're gonna eat it.

Happy-go-lucky you,
saying it over the grapefruit.

Why don't you eat it?

Oh, come on, she's so happy.

You have to eat it.
Can't do this to her.

(Ellie)
'Richard, how do you like it?'

It's very good.

(Ellie)
'I called Mrs. O'Leary
for the recipe.'

'She's very interested
in your work in Hollywood.'

'I told her about the new
play you've written.'

Mother, it's a screenplay.
It's for the movies.

(Ellie)
'Oh!'

Does that look
like I ate some?

No.

- Let me have your napkin.
- What?

Richard, oh, God!
That's disgusting!

You might as well finish it.

No one else
here eats this stuff.

I'm so thrilled about
our anniversary celebration.

It's going to be a lovely party.

Mother, um..

Richard said that he might
have to go back a little early.

Oh, dear.
Richard, is that right?

We have to do some rewrites.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

It would just kill your father.

'You know, last night he
actually cried like a li'l boy.'

'He was so happy
that you two had got married'

'and came back to help
celebrate our 40th.'

Well, I can't possibly tell him.

Richard, could you do it?

Well, it isn't definite
that we have to go back.

I mean..

'There's a possibility
that I could make a call.'

Oh, I'm so happy!

Please continue eating, Richard.
We don't stand on ceremony here.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Daddy.. Daddy, Mom and I
are gonna go out shopping.

We'll be back around 3 O'clock.

So, if Richard comes before
then, would you tell him?

- Do you need anything?
- No, nothing.

Goodbye, Mrs. Riley.
See you later.

So long.

[indistinct chatter]

- Shoot it.
- 'Alright, you guys.'

'Another face-off! Never play
for the Sabers like that.'

'Let's hustle.'

Be careful, Mother.

Here.

- Oh, Eleanor!
- Oh, there's Mrs. O'Leary.

I want to thank her
for the recipe.

I'll be..
I'll be right back.

Okay. Mother, wait, wait, wait,
wait, here, let me take that.

You go on in now.
I'll be fine.

Be careful, mother.
Oh, mother!

[screams]

(Mrs. Riley)
'Get away from me!'

[screams]

(Tim)
'Quiet! Someone will hear you!'

(Mrs. Riley)
'Get away from me!'

Daddy! Daddy what are you doing?

- It was a mistake, I slipped--
- It wasn't my fault.

- I was just doing the cleaning!
- Hold on.

- Are you alright?
- That man is insane.

Please try and understand
my father's been very sick.

He's had a stroke and..

I am gonna
get out of here.

As soon as I finish those other
rooms. I always finish the job.

[instrumental music]

Paula..

Paula..

Paula..

Where're you going?
What's wrong?

Go back to the house.
Leave me alone.

- I need to..
- What?

- I don't know.
- What happened?

I don't want to tell you now.

- It's your parents?
- No. They're fine.

Just go back to the house.
And don't tell them..

Don't say any..

Don't ask them what's wrong,
okay? Please don't do that.

Paula!

[knock on door]

Yes?

My, it's hot in here.

Your father told me
about the maid.

Are you alright?

- Are you?
- Oh, yes.

That was our third maid.

I think it's wonderful
he keeps trying.

Mother,
you are some old broad.

Don't be disrespectful.

I just hope it hasn't frightened
you about marriage.

Everything frightens me
about marriage, mother.

Well, it must be frightening.

At least in my day,
we knew what the roles were.

But if you love each other,
that's all that matters.

'And marriage isn't to blame
for what happened'

'this afternoon
with your father.'

'That was just old age.'

Father Time has a way of
just beating the shit out of us.

Yeah. You're right.

Paula?

Paula!

I've gone blind.

- Honey?
- 'Mm-hmm.'

- Are you ready?
- 'Yeah.'

How do I look?

Great.

Turtle soup.

- What a wonderful story.
- What do you mean?

Your dad's story
about turtle soup.

It'd be great in
one of our scripts.

Oh, he'll recognize it.

I-I don't think so.
He'll be very hurt.

Oh, maybe you're right.

- I feel very bad about tonight.
- Oh, honey, come on.

It's just a simple party.
It's no big thing.

It's not the party,
I'm talking about, it's you.

I'm fine.
Everything is fine, really.

(Eleanor)
'Hurry up!
Party's already started.'

Come on! Let's go.

Just tell me what's the matter,
it'll only take a second

before we go downstairs
and see other people.

Nothing's the matter, dear.

I think it's time
for a toast.

This is it? This is
the anniversary party?

I think you'll like
the champagne, Richard.

Upstate New York,
tough little grape.

Thank you, sir,
and congratulations.

We're very flattered to be
on your guest list.

Oh, well, you know,
Richard, I..

I always found that parties
where you have

guests are such a nuisance.

I'd like to toast
two of the most wonderful

people in my life.

'Thank you for everything.'

I love you.

And I think there can be
nothing more fitting on this

our 40th wedding anniversary
than to..

...welcome in the next
generation of loving couples.

'So, here's to
our wonderful daughter, Paula'

'and her husband, Richard.'

May you be as happy in your next
40 years together

as Ellie and I have been
in ours.

(Eleanor)
'And success with
your new play.'

(Paula)
'It's a, uh, movie, mother.'

♪ Love is only the beginning ♪

♪ What a sweet beginning ♪

♪ Sunny skies ahead like
the weatherman said ♪

♪ Did it ever feel this
good before ♪

♪ Could you get much more
from a kiss ♪

(Paula)
'Oh, it's so big.'

(Richard)
'Biggest condominium
in Virginia, honey.'

'Eighteen thousand people,
all under one roof.'

(Paula)
'Really?'

God, I wish you would've told
your parents we got married.

I'm gonna tell them, honey,
I'm just waiting

for the right moment, that's all
but I'm gonna tell 'em.

Okay.
I'm nervous.

(Richard)
'Of course you're nervous,
but they're nice people.'

'I mean, you're gonna
like them right away'

'and they're gonna love you.'

Here we are.

(Ann)
'I'll get it! Just a second!'

- 'I'll get it!'
- Oh, my God. It's my mother.

- Close your eyes.
- What?

- Hi, Mom!
- Hello! Hello.

- Come on, Paula.
- Hello, hello, my baby!

- Oh, it's so good to see you.
- Mama, this is Paula.

- Oh, well, it's about time!
- Hello. Nice to see you.

Look at that pretty little
thing. Richard!

Let me tell you right off. Your
sister's here with the kids.

- Oh,Nellie's here, great!
- Not so great. She's moved in.

She and Derek, well, I don't
think they're gonna make it.

Derek is Nellie's
third husband.

Why didn't you
tell me Nellie was here?

- We would've stayed at a hotel.
- Here let me take care of this.

Don't be silly, there's a
convertible sofa in the den.

And I trust you two
sleep together.

Tom! Richard's here!
Nellie, where are you?

Boys, come on. Give your
Uncle Richard a big kiss!

- 'Uncle Richard, oh, my God!'
- 'Uncle Richard.'

- 'You look wonderful and fine.'
- Oh, I'm fine.

This is Paula.

Hi, Paula, I'm so pleased
to meet you!

I've heard so much about you.

(Ann)
'Everybody hold still, now.'

Great, tell me something,
Richard, which way did you come?

Did you go east to Syracuse
and then down 91?

Across the 270
and on to the beltway?

- From Buffalo?
- Yeah.

No, Pop, we got on
the New York State Thruway.

Then we got on 67,
came right on in here.

You didn't use
the access road off of 70

and cross Leesburg Pike?

You see, I used to be with the

Federal Department of
Transportation.

'I was with them for 36 years.
I made all those access roads.'

'As a matter of fact,
that's why you should'

'always use the access roads
after 4:00 p.m.'

'You do away with bottlenecks.
The traffic moves right along.'

- And you don't pay tolls.
- 'And skip to pay tolls.'

Tell me, when are we gonna see
this movie

that you and Richard wrote?

Anyway, as I was saying, before
we had to sit down to dinner

the man never stopped talking.

He just went
on and on and on.

- You never pay tolls.
- I pay tolls.

If there'd been some
compensation

that's my word for the year.

Compensation in bed
might have been more palatable.

But I'm telling you,
he had a pee pistol

the size of Robbie's here,
uh, like that.

Nellie, I don't think the dinner
table is the proper place

to talk about the size of
Derek's pee pistol.

Do you always have to be
the guardian of good taste?

- Paula, am I offending you?
- Well, no.

- Now, there. You see?
- She's being polite.

I mean, after all,
what can she say?

Annie, Annie, isn't it quicker
to come by Riker's Tunnel

with four corners
instead of the interstate?

Well, say something about it.
Don't just nod.

- Yes, it's quicker.
- Hold it! Hold it.

- Tom.
- Ssh!

I have an, I have an
announcement to make.

I wanna, I'd like to
say something.

(Ann)
'Go ahead, Richard.'

Well, I don't know if this is

the appropriate time
to say this or not.

But I don't know
if there's ever really

an appropriate time to say this.
But we'd like to..

Paula and I, we'd,
we'd like to say..

- We'd like to tell you--
- You don't have to.

- I can guess! You're engaged!
- I told you, mother!

Who's engaged? Who's engaged?

They're engaged!

[indistinct chatter]

We're not engaged.
We're married.

What a surprise.

I hope you're pleased.

Of course we're pleased,
we're pleased.

It's just that
we're just taken aback.

- You understand?
- I understand.

It must feel very funny
hearing about it

after we've already done it.

Well, I think it's wonderful.

It's like the life cycle.
As someone dies, a baby is born.

I'm getting divorced,
you're getting married.

'Out with the old,
in with the new.'

Oh, Mother, now don't you think
it's wonderful?

Well, well, our dinner's
getting cold.

Why don't we all
just eat up?

(Paula)
'Don't any of the windows open
in this place?'

I don't know,
the whole condominium

is temperature controlled.

(Paula)
'I just need some air.'

'There's not enough air
in this place.'

'I just need a little.'

'A little air.'

What are you mumbling about?

Oh, I can't breathe.

Didn't you have any oxygen
when you were growing up?

- What is your problem?
- I don't know.

- I'm just tired.
- Yeah?

Oh, God, I'm tired.
I'm sorry, honey.

Have you noticed that you're
tired on a queen-size bed?

I mean, my family, people of
this house, they sleep together.

They just have to
take turns breathing.

[knock on door]

Yes?

Oh, mom, please.

Someday you're gonna thank me
for this.

Paula, are there
any wedding pictures?

No, Mrs. Babson.

Well, something
has to be recorded.

This could be the most important
time of your life together.

Mother likes to record
every moment possible.

- Grandma!
- Alright, alright, dear.

The boys wanna know
if they can play their

video game until
it's time to go to bed.

Well, we wanna spend,
this is not a great time.

It's fine,
they can come right in.

Oh, thank you. Now, can I borrow
Richard from you for a second?

Fine.

I wanna talk to him
about something.

Now, I don't want you boys
bothering Paula, you hear?

- 'Okay.'
- 'Okay.'

- Gonna be okay, honey?
- Your turn's over.

I'm fine. Just fine.

'Dang!'

Mother, where are
the pinwheel cookies at?

Daddy hides them from the kids.
They're over the fridge.

I love pinwheel cookies.

You know, you can't
get these out in L.A.

Ow! What did you do that for?

I'm so furious with you,
I'm beside myself!

What's wrong?

How dare you deny us
the opportunity

of seeing our only
son get married!

No warning. No chance to do
anything, to send you anything.

Not a present, not a card. Not a
phone call to wish you well!

Your father's so upset,
he's out playing cards.

He plays cards
every night.

Well, he went early tonight.

He's absolutely heartbroken.

I wouldn't take it too lightly
if I were you.

The man's gettin' old.

- Mother.
- No, no, don't touch me.

I'll be fine.
I just need some time.

[phone rings]
Oh, my God.

Hello.

Who's calling? Who?

Oh, just a minute.
It's for you. Larry somebody.

- Larry?
- Larry.

Hello, Larry.

What do you mean, where am I?
You called me.

Excuse me.

You're in New York? Look, we'll
be back in L.A. on Sunday.

Sunday? Does he know you just
got married?

Larry, they're not gonna shoot
the scene until--

You just tell him
you're on your honeymoon.

Another week.

No, we're not gonna cut
our vacation short!

We'll rewrite it when we get
back. Goodbye, Larry. Goodbye.

You're on your honeymoon.

Anyway, how am I gonna get a
party together by Sunday?

We don't want a party, Mother.

I can't believe it.

I cannot believe it.

[sobbing]
Oh, God. Oh, my God!

I don't know what to do!

- Get the camera.
- What?

I want you to take my picture.
Come on, Richard.

I wanna record
the worst day of my life.

- Now, go on.
- This is ridiculous.

You have to hurry, Richard!
Shoot it!

- 'Go on.'
- 'How'd you do that?'

- Uncle Richard..
- Ssh! Out, out.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

- 'Richard!'
- Hmm?

- 'Want another English muffin?'
- I'd love one, Mom.

- Why don't you get it?
- Hmm?

- Why don't you get it?
- She likes doing things for me.

- Here, I'll help you.
- Oh, no, no.

'You're gonna have plenty of
time to do things for Richard'

'so you just take it easy.'

Mrs. Babson, Richard and I have
lived together for a long time.

He knows how to do those things
for himself.

Well, I'm sure he does,
but now that you're married--

Now that we're married, what?

Mother, I have no idea
what I'm gonna wear tonight.

- Paula, what are you wearing?
- Why? What am I wearing?

Where? Where am I going?

- To the party!
- To the party? What party?

I forgot to tell you, honey.

The folks are giving us
a little wedding celebration.

A nice idea?

Oh, why, what a lovely idea.

(Tom)
'Well, it's just something
simple at Clyde's Restaurant.'

'A few friends,
a few relatives.'

(Nellie)
'Mommy, you remember
that real pretty dress'

'I'd brought with me.
Where is it?'

- Hey, why didn't you tell me?
- Again? It happens every year.

(Nellie)
'I hung it very carefully
in the closet.'

(Eleanor)
'Alright, then.
That's where it is.'

(Nellie)
'No. It isn't!

(Eleanor)
'Oh, my God!'

(Lyle)
What time is it
in California now?

It's, uh, 7:00 o' clock.

(Nellie)
'I'll get it!'

I better go find
Nellie's dress.

Paula, would you see
the boys get plenty of coffee.

[Richard and Tim chuckling]

[Tim humming]

- Richard.
- Mm-hmm?

I am very impressed.

There's a chauffeur
at the door.

He says there's a Mr. Weisman
downstairs in our living room--

What the hell is
Larry doing here?

Who's Larry?

You understand why we're
all in a panic there.

Can you fly back this afternoon?

- We just got here.
- 'So?'

(Larry)
'You've seen
your parents here.'

You're healthy.
They're healthy.

Uh, everybody's fine, thank God.
They'll understand.

Maybe if it's that important,
we should, honey.

What, uh? When do you
need the pages?

Uh, Sunday, latest.

Oh, you tell us what you want.
We'll do 'em here.

We'll bring 'em back on Sunday
when we come back--

I-I don't think we can work
here. I think we should go back.

You know, I'll tell you
that Paula may have a point.

- It might be easier for you--
- We'll do it here!

Here's good. You know,
where-wherever's good for you.

It doesn't matter to me, but,
uh, Sunday, promise me, okay?

Goodbye, Larry.

It was good seeing you.

Oh, ho, ho, whoa, ho!

The changes, the changes.

Look, uh, one last thing
about the ending.

At the end, when the characters
leave the building

they have to walk off
into a fake sunset.

- What are you talking about?
- A fake sunset? Why?

Yeah, well, you see, Jean-Claude
wants it to be surrealistic

kind of like, uh, Coppola.

So, that at the end,
we're not sure

if any of it
ever really happened.

Listen, I would love
to stay and celebrate.

I've got to get
back to New York.

I left Kenny
in the hotel room.

Okay, I'll see you kids.

Oh, what are we gonna do?
When do we start writing?

Saturday.

Yeah.

[sighing]

Oh, Richard, do we
have to go to the party?

[Richard sighs]
'Don't start, Paula.'

It was very sweet
of your parents to do this.

But do we actually
have to show up?

Look.

I know you don't wanna make
a big deal out of this marriage

but to my parents,
it is a big deal.

'So, would you do me a favor?
Would you let them help us out?'

It'll all be over in a few days
and we'll be out of here.

[sighs]
Okay.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

[sighs]

What'll I wear?

Why don't you wear
the same thing you wore

at your parents'
anniversary extravaganza?

That?

Oh, it's not likely the same
crowd will be at this party.

[sighing]

Oh, I need air.

Doesn't anybody ever
breathe in this place?

I need some air.

- What do you want?
- 'Air!'

You want air?

You want some air? Here,
I'll give you some air, Paula.

You want air, I'll give you air!

- What're you doing?
- Oh, you want air?

- Or you want to talk?
- Richard, Richard, stop it.

- What do you want?
- I want..

- I want to take a shower.
- Well, then take a shower.

[sighs]

Take it with me.

I already took a shower.

[instrumental music]

[pop music]

(Nellie)
'Wait a minute, mother.'

Let me turn this around,
so, you get a better picture.

Oh, dear.
God, I love weddings.

[indistinct chatter]

Hi, I'm Marion,
Richard's second cousin.

This is my second husband Bob
Talbot, and our daughter Toni.

Paula, I'm Bob Skinner,
an old friend of Richard's

and I wanna tell you,
he got some dish!

Hello, I am so pleased
to meet you.

I'm Edwina Coolie.
I'm not with this party.

I'm having dinner in the
main part of the dining room

but I heard there were
some celebrities back here.

I just want to take a peek.

Hi, Paula, congratulations.
I'm Ron Barbero.

I handle all
the Babsons' insurance.

Now, that you're married, if you
need anything, give me a call.

(Nellie)
'Paula! Paula, don't move!'

You know how crazy it is?

You're getting married now
and the rest of us

are getting rid
of our first wives.

You and Barbara
are splitting up?

What can I tell you, Richard?

Nice talking to you.

[music continues]

[indistinct chatter]

[mellow music]

There! That-that will
be a good one. Thanks.

You're a darlin'.
That's real sweet.

[all chuckling]

[no audio]

- Oh, hi, mother. Hi, Richard.
- Oh, Nellie.

Oh, isn't this
a wonderful party?

- I think so.
- I love it.

How long have you two
known each other?

- Oh, uh, a month?
- Six weeks.

- How about you?
- Five years.

Living together for three.

Well, no wonder
you're not in a hotel room.

[chuckles]
Oh, you're bad.

Are you planning
to have children?

[sighs]

[scoffs]
I don't know.

Really? You know, you should
think about it.

I mean, you're not
getting any younger.

Excuse me.

(Eleanor)
'Richard, what is it?'

'What's wrong, dear?'

Paula!

Paula!

Pau...Paula, where you going?

I'm going to the ladies' room.
And I'm going to stay there.

- You alright?
- I'm fine.

Just pick me up
when you're ready to leave.

Take your time.
Enjoy yourself.

It's a lovely party, sweetheart.

Everyone's having
a wonderful time.

- I'm going to the ladies' room.
- Are you crazy?

You can't spend the rest
of the night in a bathroom.

They're giving
this party for us.

- Now, come on, Paula.
- Let go of my arm.

- Come on.
- Let me go!

- Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
- Oh!

- Are you alright? Oh.
- What's going on?

I am sorry, Carl, we're just
having a domestic squabble.

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

Paula.

I want you to
take one of these.

- No.
- It's just a Valium.

- It'll just relax you, come on.
- I don't take drugs.

It's not a drug.
It's a muscle relaxant.

Now, come on, take it.

It'll just help you
calm your nerves.

Come on.

I want you to keep this with you
until we get back to California.

Any time you feel tense,
you take one of those.

And when we get back there,
we'll sort it all out.

I don't want another scene
like we had tonight. Not here.

- I'm sorry.
- Mm-hmm.

I guess you think
I'm pretty cute, huh?

Mm-hmm.

I guess you're pretty crazy
about me, aren't you?

[sighs]
Paula.

I'm in a bad mood.

I'd like to stay
that way for a while.

So, don't try to
make me laugh, okay?

Okay.

Richard?

- Mm-hmm.
- Break an egg.

Not now.

Please, break an egg
on my head. Please.

[sighs]

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I love you.

I'm sorry, honey.

[sighs]
I'm always sorry.

[instrumental music]

[chuckles]

- You like it?
- Oh, I like it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Ha ha ha!
- Yeah.

Yeah, thanks, Pop.

[chuckling]

- Paula?
- 'Yeah?'

I'm going with Pop
out to the club.

Probably spend
most of the day there.

- 'Is that okay?'
- Sure.

Hey, I feel much better today.
Really, I do.

I really feel fine.

Oh, good.

Oh, if I get back early, we
can work on the, uh, re-write.

No, that's alright, because
I'm gonna spend the whole day

with your mother and Nellie.
We're gonna go shopping.

We're gonna buy
a wedding present for us.

Then we're going to
get our hair done.

Then we're gonna go have
lunch somewhere and..

- Isn't that good?
- Great.

Huh?

- I took a Valium.
- Oh.

(Tom)
'Come on.
Come on, come on, come.'

Mm-hmm.

[humming]

Nellie, it's time to leave. Will
you hurry up, for God's sake?

(Nellie)
'Mama, I just got in!'

We'll be late for
the beauty parlor.

We can't keep Ramon waiting.

'Paula, dear, you ready?'

- 'Nellie!'
- 'What?'

Ready.

(Nellie)
'I am ready.'

- 'Paula?'
- Ready.

What are those?

Well, the ones with rings around
the necks are Canadian geese.

The other ones are mallards.

I thought ducks went
South for the winter.

Oh, not all of them.

Some get too old
to make the trip.

I like to help out a little.

You know, mom thinks
we're playing golf.

Yeah..

- So, you got married, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

I guess you're too old for
a father-and-son talk.

Try me.

- Are you kind?
- Yes, sir.

- Patient and understanding?
- Try to be.

- Got a sense of humor?
- Oh, thank God.

- You know all about sex?
- Ha ha, more than you.

- Don't be so sure.
- Huh.

What do you think?
Did I pass?

Nope.

None of those things
got a goddamn thing

to do with making a marriage.

Alright, good.
Because I was lying.

[both chuckling]

You know the only important
thing is, do you love her?

You know, son, I've been tuning
your mother out for 42 years..

...but I still love her.

I know, dad.

[geese quacking]

[instrumental music]

Paula, we should've had
your nails wrapped.

Men love long-red nails
on their backs.

[chuckling]

(Nellie)
'Paula?'

'Paula!'

[violin music]

(Eleanor)
'How's your chicken salad?'

What?

Your salad. Is it good?

Mm-hmm.

(Nellie)
'You know, what
I was thinking, mother?'

- Mm-hmm.
- Well.

Now, that Paula and
Richard are moving

into a larger house,
I was thinking about--

Nellie, I was thinking
the very same thing.

You were? Ha ha!

(Eleanor)
'Only we're gonna have
to coordinate it, though.'

So, we don't both impose
at the same time.

I mean, you'll be wanting
to take the boys with you.

About time they learned to swim.

- Can I get you anything else?
- Mm-hmm.

Nothing more for me, thank you.

- No, thank you.
- Sure.

What would you like?

Uh..

Hmm?

Well, can I get you something
else, or are you all set?

- Mm-hmm.
- 'Hmm.'

(Nellie)
'Now, here's another
thought, mother.'

Before you say no,
you give it some consideration.

Umm, if Paula and Richard
did have the extra room..

...it might be a good idea
if we all went out together.

'So, that way we could drive.'

'Oh, and this way,
if I wanted to go out at night'

'you could baby-sit the boys.'

Of course, you won't have
to do that not all the time.

Mom, some nights I could bring
the date over to the house.

(Eleanor)
'Nellie, that's one hell
of a long trip.'

'I just hope you don't think
your father's'

gonna do all the driving.
I mean, the man is old--

Did I say dad had
to do the driving?

Well, all I'm just saying
is how're we gonna fit--

(Nellie)
'I'm talking about
planning a nice trip.'

We ought to..

[all applauding]

- Paula?
- What's the matter with her?

(Eleanor)
'Oh, my God!
She's fainted!'

[indistinct chatter]

(male #3)
I think something happened.
Like, she had a heart-attack!

Nellie, I want you to go get
the car and get Richard.

Quick. Please!

[siren blaring]

(Ann)
'Alright, I know that..'

Hi.

Hi.

(Richard)
'How're you feelin'?'

Fine.

I'm sorry I embarrassed you
and your family.

What happened?

I just wanted to relax.

Relax?

Well...I took a Valium.

Then, I took another one.

And then, I couldn't remember
when I took the one...before.

So, I guess I took another..

...one.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

I'm sorry, honey.

Yeah.

[Patti Austen singing
"How Do You Keep The Music"]

♪ How do you keep
the music playing ♪

♪ How do you make it last ♪

♪ How do you keep the song ♪

♪ From fading ♪

♪ Too fast ♪

♪ How do you lose
yourself to someone ♪

♪ And never lose your way ♪

♪ How do you not
run out of new things ♪

♪ To say ♪

♪ And since we know
we're always changing ♪

♪ How can it be the same ♪

♪ And tell me how
year-after-year ♪

♪ You're sure
your heart won't fall apart ♪

♪ Each time you hear ♪

♪ His name ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ The way I feel
for you is now ♪

♪ Or never ♪

♪ The more I love ♪

♪ The more that I'm afraid ♪

♪ That in your eyes
I may not see ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Forever ♪♪

There's a leak in the bedroom.

I just got a pot
to put under it.

What the hell is
going on here?

What?

[thunder rumbling]

Where did I park my car?

What?

Where did I park
my goddamn car?

Probably out front.

[thunder rumbling]

[thunder rumbling]

Oh, my God, what happened?

We got married,
that's what happened.

I told you that marriage
would screw up the relationship.

That's not what screwed up
the relationship.

Here, put this on.
You're soaking.

- I don't want it.
- Oh.

I don't want it.

Richard, please don't be silly.

No. I don't want it.
It's not raining.

That's heaven
relieving itself on my head.

Richard, please.

It's all a sign, Paula.
It's all a sign.

You know why this happened,
don't you?

- You know why.
- No. Tell me why.

Because we got married,
that's why.

That's what does it. Marriage.

- What marriage?
- Our marriage.

We never had any marriage.

We went right from the ceremony
to separating. No marriage.

What was that two weeks back
East, Roman Holiday?

We were married then,
and it ruined everything.

That was no marriage.
That was two weeks in a cradle.

Oh, poor baby doesn't like
being tucked in.

Doesn't like having to shovel
all that mean old snow.

Look at you, trying to kill
yourself in a tea-room.

I was not trying to kill myself!

Oh, no, you just had
to take 14 Valium

to get through
your pastrami on rye!

I did not have pastrami on rye

I had chicken salad,
you asshole!

[car creaking]

[clattering]

I'm movin' out.

[instrumental music]

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Oh. Okay.

Hi, Larry.

What? The script?

Um, no, we didn't.

Uh-uh. Larry, please.

Larry. Larry, please.

Larry, don't get crazy, okay?

Alright, I-I-I'll try
and find Richard.

Well, I don't know
where he is, okay?

I'll just try and find him.

Alright! Alright!

Jeez!

Oh, gee, man, I would love to,
I can't today.

Yeah, I got my kid with me
right now. Yeah, yeah, Kenny.

Yeah. He's right here
in the office with me.

Yeah, well, I tell you,
I like to give Karen a break

'every once in a while.'

'Gil, you wanna say
hello to Kenny?'

'Yeah, he's a big boy now.
Yeah, he talks and everything.'

'Uh.. Hold a second.'

'Kenny, honey, come here,
say hello to Uncle Gil.'

'I'm sorry, babe.
All of a sudden he's shy.'

'He doesn't want
to come to the phone.'

'Okay, I'll talk to you later.
Yeah. Okay, now..'

'Yeah. Lunch soon. Promise me,
okay? Don't let me down, man.'

'Okay. Bye-bye, Gil.'

Okay.

Well, where is it?

We ran into a little snag.
We're not quite finished.

Snag?

You guys, y-you ran
into...a little snag?

I have a $10-million movie here
with no ending

because you guys
ran into a little snag?

Only writers use words
like that. Snag.

A snag you have.
Wh-what's a snag, huh?

You promised!
You guys promised me!

Larry..

...we separated.

Well, I'm really very sorry
to hear that, guys. I really am.

It's a shame, but what's that
got to do with my movie, huh?

I want those pages.

I don't think
we can work together.

No, no, no, don't tell me that.

Oh, no, no,
I don't want to hear that. No!

Look, I am going to put
you guys in an office

'right next door here, and I
wanna see the new pages today.'

You got that? You understand?

You're not listening to her,
Larry, you--

No! I'm not listening to her.

I'm not listening to you.
I've got a problem!

I will listen to your problem
when the work is done.

- You want the work done?
- Yes, I do!

Why don't you
get Kenny to do it?

That is not funny. That is low.

And you just leave Kenny
out of this, okay?

And believe me,
that kid would never do to me

what you guys
are doing to me now.

Now, both of you
are professionals.

I want you to do it, okay?

And I don't want
to see either one of you

until the work is done.

We are gonna shoot
in the morning.

I want the pages now.
Is that understood?

Carol?

Will you come in here and show
them the office, please.

If you want me,
I'll be on the set.

It's just next door here.

Larry took the phones out
so you wouldn't be disturbed.

So if, if you need anything,
just holler.

'Are you two alright?'

No.

No, we're not alright.

(Richard)
'Wanna take a break?'

Uh, sure.

Let's send out for some food.

No, I wanna go somewhere.
I'm starving.

- What do you want to eat?
- I don't care. Anything.

Chinese?

No, I'm not in the mood
for Chinese.

Mexican? The Villa Taco?

I don't know, I'm not sure
what I want. Something.

Thai. There's a Thai restaurant
near here.

Nah.

Italian.
You always liked Italian.

Anything.

French. Deli food. Hungarian.

Too heavy. Go ahead.
Whatever, whatever you want.

Japanese. Tempura.

Sukiyaki, teriyaki.

Anything like that
appeal to you?

- I don't care. Whatever.
- How about shit on a shingle?

Alright, that's not funny.
I said it didn't matter.

Well, Jesus! We can't make up
our mind on anything.

We're talking
about stinkin' food here!

- Well, I'm not hungry anymore.
- Well, I am.

- Well, go eat!
- No.

I go and eat, I come back,
then you want to eat.

We're gonna stay here.

We're gonna stay here until
we finish the goddamn scene.

[typewriter keys clacking]

Leo...pushes..

...the...door...open.

(Paula)
'And heads down
an empty hallway.'

Down...a darkened...hallway.

An empty, darkened hallway.

Alright. Alright
An empty, darkened hallway.

What do you think?
There's gonna be a crowd?

It's 4 O'clock in the morning.

- He appears to be confused.
- Appears..

He stops at the door
to Jacobson's office.

He listens.

There's no sound from within.

'He then very slowly
takes his hand..'

- Are you dictating?
- No.

It sounds like you're dictating.

- I'm not dictating.
- Well, it sounds like you are.

I mean, you got
the ending all--

Well, hey, you can jump in
any time, you know.

Well, thank you very much.
That's very nice of you.

Well, What do you wanna say?

Well, I'm not saying
what you said

wasn't alright.
It's just your attitude.

You're treating me
like a secretary.

Oh, I'm very sorry.
Would you like me to type?

Yes, I would.

Especially, since you got
the ending all worked out..

I do not have
the ending all worked out.

Well, then what are we gonna do?
We ought to talk about it.

We can't have Leo walking down
corridors for the rest his life.

He does not have
to be walking down a corridor!

Well, that's alright if he does.

But what's gonna happen
afterwards?

Well, we were just
getting to that.

No, you were getting to that.
We've never discussed it.

Alright, let's just discuss it
now, okay? Sit down.

We'll talk about it.

Now..

He's in the corridor...alone,
right?

So? I don't know.

I mean, either he has to go
into Jacobson's office

or into his own.

So what do you think?

Hello?

'Do you have something to say?'

I'm thinking.

Well, how am I supposed
to know that? You're staring.

Well, what am I supposed
to stare at when I'm thinking?

When you think, you stare.

You want me to hold up a sign
that says "I'm thinking"?

Oh, please. Forget it.

Well what the hell
are we gonna do?

Just because our relationship's
in the toilet

doesn't mean we can't
work together, does it?

[knock on door]

Hi, how's it going?
Where are we now?

In the corridor.

We're still in the corridor?

He's on another floor!

Oh, oh, good.

Hey, listen, kids.
Karen and I went through

some pretty rough times
together, too.

Commitment. Discipline.
Make it work.

I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna kill him.

'I'm gonna kill him dead.'

'I'm gonna take his head off.'

I'm gonna chop it up
in little pieces.

I'm gonna grind him down.
I'm gonna step on him.

And then maybe
I'll feed him to the dog.

Oh, God!

I'm going to tell Larry
we can't do it.

Oh, come on.
It's one stinkin' scene.

We've been here
since 11 O'clock this morning.

We're not gonna do it.

- Wanna quit, huh?
- Quit?

I'm not the one
who's riding the bike.

Oh, God. I can't stand this.

I'm going crazy.

I'm really
gonna go crazy in here.

You want me to tell him?

You want me to tell him
we can't write two lousy pages?

I'll tell him. Larry, we can't
write two lousy pages!

There, I told him.
Do you feel better?

Yeah, all of a sudden you know
just what to say, don't you?

Just got got all the words
to put together now.

What's that supposed to mean?

That means
for the last 14 hours

you have not contributed
one thing to this scene!

I see.

This is what you wrote.
You like that?

You wrote this too.
Isn't that great?

Are you proud
of what you wrote?

Isn't this nice stuff
that you wrote here?

- You like it?
- Yes, I like it.

- Do you want it framed?
- I damn well like it!

Let me tell you one thing,
you little shit!

I'm better than you are.

- What?
- Any day.

Oh, God! It's locked!

Larry! God!

Did you think he's stupid enough
to lock us in here?

- Is the door locked?
- Yes, it's locked.

If the door is locked,
then he locked us in.

Well, How do you know
he locked us in here?

Because the door is locked.
Is the door locked?

Yes! So we can't get out!

Did you try to get out? Yes.

And you couldn't get out.
So it's locked!

'God! Do you understand
the word "Locked"?'

'That means you can't get out!
You tried to get out, you..'

I need air. I need air.

She doesn't understand
the word "Locked".

- Locked! L-O-C-K-E-D!
- Air.

Air? You want air?
I'll give you air!

Here. There's air! Come here.
Stick your snout out there!

Are you getting any air?
You getting some air?

[crying]

[mellow music]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Let's not go
through any more pain.

We'll file for divorce
in the morning, alright?

[sobbing]
Do you know
what the worst part is?

It's that right now

I need to go and tell
my best friend all my problems.

But you're my best friend,
and I'm losing you.

You're not losing me.
I'll always be your best friend.

But that's not
who I wanted to marry.

When you get married
you're supposed to..

...have romance and passion
and all that.

We didn't have any.

Yes, we did. We had it all.

Then why couldn't
we just have left it alone?

Because I loved you so much.

I wanted to say it
to the whole world.

You didn't want to marry
your best friend. I did.

We had it all, Paula.

[mellow music]

That could have been
the best exit line of your life.

'I know.
I forgot it was locked.'

Well..

...I guess
you're stuck with me, huh.

- I know..
- I said the perfect..

- I know.
- Then I went to the door..

- I know.
- It was, I mean..

- Come here.
- Did you hear what I said?

- I did. Every word.
- I said I loved you.

I love you, too.

I wasn't gonna leave,
I was gonna go somewhere

and then call you.

I know.

- I have a wonderful idea.
- What?

How would you like to make love
to a married woman?

Now, maybe.

Oh. Come on.

Why don't you try?

I'm told we're great.

Oh, yeah?

I'll do my best.

- Honey, you were right.
- Hm.

Leo and Jacobson don't have
to go into the corridor at all.

They don't even have
to go in the building.

I don't give a shit.

[laughing]

You will.

Woof! This is good.

This is good, woof!
Wait till Kenny reads this.

Two weeks, tops.
This is good.

Well..

"Leo's out in the corridor."
No, he's in the corr..

No, he's out. Good.

"He goes out of the corridor,
leaves the building.."

[birds chirping]

[instrumental music]

♪ How do you keep ♪

♪ The music playing ♪

♪ How do you make it last ♪

♪ How do you ♪

♪ Keep the sun from fading ♪

♪ Too fast ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ The way I feel for you ♪

♪ Is now or never ♪

♪ The more I love ♪

♪ The more that I'm afraid ♪

♪ That in your eyes ♪

♪ I may not see forever ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ If we can be ♪

♪ The best of lovers ♪

♪ Yet be the best ♪

♪ Of friends ♪

♪ If we can try ♪

♪ With every day
to make it better ♪

♪ As it grows ♪

♪ With any luck that I suppose ♪

♪ The music ♪

♪ Never ends ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ I know ♪

♪ The way I feel for you ♪

♪ Is now or never ♪

♪ The more I love ♪

♪ The more the I'm afraid ♪

♪ That in your eyes ♪

♪ I may not see forever ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ If we can be ♪

♪ The best of lovers ♪

♪ Yet be the best of friends ♪

♪ If we can try with every day ♪

♪ To make it better ♪

♪ As it grows ♪

♪ With any luck then I suppose ♪

♪ The music ♪

♪ Never ♪

♪ Ends ♪♪