Original subtitles

I put this on his coffin. It's

his pride and joy.

Still smells like him.

It sucks, man. That's all you got left to

your family.

I love it. I like it. it's been good to

me. I've had my ups and downs, but this

is where everything I've ever had has

been. Riding bikes, 4 wheelers, fishing

and stuff. You're in heaven. And you

know, this is home. I was, I tell you,

when I was 18 years old, I was that

guy's, I'm leaving on this football

scholarship and I ain't never coming

back, you know. And I went and did

WVU for two years and just

Take me home. Nice neighborhood, good

people, great place to raise kids.

They had a little freedom, but everybody

kind of kept their eye on everybody's

kids, and it was a wonderful place to

raise children. My childhood was great. I

had a good childhood. My dad was a coal

miner. My mom, she's an RN nurse,

so I was full if we had anything we

wanted.

Oceana is just an extremely complex

contradiction. It is this

incredibly beautiful

place with a huge

population of amazing people with

big hearts and so much love to

go around.

There's this darkness that has come over

it that has

affected all of those things. I mean, I

think in a way it's even affected the

natural beauty of this place because

as a person that lives here, I almost

can't look at it the same

because of, and

people don't trust each other like they

used to because there's now, there's

more crime and there's more, you're

getting this much more us

against them mentality.

And it is,

It's incredible and amazing

and awful all at the same time.

It started happening, I guess, probably

10, 15 years ago. I don't

know if it started with over-prescribing

or, I mean, because when I was a kid,

there was always the kid that smoked pot.

And smoking pot and drinking was about

all anybody ever did. And now it's,

they experiment with so many pills. And

most of them are synthetic. And

they are very addictive. And it's taken a

generation of our kids. I always

pictured high school to be like the

stereotypical thing, you know, swirlies,

all that ****. Even like the days

confused, paddle the freshman, **** like

that. Instead, it was

like you would walk down the hall and

kids would justslap you a pill in your

hand. When the prescription drug pill,

OxyContin, hit the market, the whole

game changed. People started

ripping each other off. They started

breaking into people's homes and stuff

to feed their addictions. That, to me,

has been the biggest

downfall of the area. It's an

epidemic here. I mean, anybody

you could talk to here will tell you that

they've at least dabbled in something.

They might not have gotten addicted to

it, but they've at least fooled around

with it. Why here?Because there's nothing

to do. Because this is such a small

place. I mean, you look around, there's

mountains everywhere. I mean,

in big cities, they've got movie theaters

and like malls and stuff like that. We

don't have anything like that. to go

and just do something. I had a group of

friends that there was about

five or six of us. And

in high school, we ran around all the

time together. And I'm just telling you,

they weren't the best for picking up

chicks with, because I'll tell you, they

was all about 300 damn pounds. But

we'd go out, man, and we'd ride up in the

woods and ****. And sometimes, we'd

have a 12-pack or whatever, and we'd be

riding around just, and that was fun.

That's what we enjoyed doing and ****.

And, a lot of people was out to look

good, pick up girls and stuff. Man, we

had good, genuine fun back then.

And then, there just comes a

pointWhere some people, that

just ain't enough. I mean, I guess some

people just got to push it as far as they

can push it. And then that's when you're

at a party or something and somebody,

hands you over here, they got pills

chopped out or something like that, And

that's what we got around here. The

devil, pills. I mean, we got the

Oxys, the Xanaxes, and it just

completely changes people.

Yeah, man, that's all this area is the

drugs, *******. I mean, you got your

parties on your weekends, ******* no high

school duties, college people coming

around, partying, drinking, ****. But

more than anything, this place is

consumed. It's ******* dope and ****.

Nothing to do around here. I mean, if you

want to go to ******* watch a movie,

bowl, and any kind of **** like that, you

got to drive ******* 45 minutes. That's

******* dope. 45 minutes down there. So

******* if you're sitting in town bored,

well, what the **** you want to do?Hey,

man, go get high, go smoke a joint. Go

drink a few beers. I mean, you think that

**** has to do.

It's boring around here. You got

to make your own party.

I got two weeks before I deliver, having

a little boy, a little miniature him.

A little juggalo. Yeah. That's what

he's going to come out listening to,

probably. All right. That

one hair just got it.

You're on drugs, severely

hard, or you're working the

mines all day long.

Or you have a pot to

**** in and that's all you've got.

That's the three things that you have in

this area. There's nothing,

not a thing.

Yeah, that's.

To hillbillies.

Just about everybody around here is on

dope. Growing up,

that was normal, people drinking, people

smoking pot and ****. But then,

I don't know, here in the past

12, 15 years,

the pharmaceutical drugs is ruining

people. I can tell you the people that I

went to school with, I graduated in 2001,

that are dead, OD'd or

some ****.

This is actually the number one county in

the state of West Virginia with

prescription pill abuse. They

won't agree to bring a methadone clinic

here to Palmville. Yeah, because there's

so many old

Christians here. And old people that

don't believe in that, you know.

They think that that's worse than somebody

that has to go out and hunt for pills

every day, just to feel normal, not to

catch a buzz or get messed

up on. People really need it here because

everybody is just, everybody's ruining

their lives. Yeah,

They're getting in situations. Everybody

that's our age, almost like 75% of

them are homeless and living with

parents. Tough wonder bridges, over there

in Oceana.

When I first come here, I had nowhere to

stay. I slept in the

sand right there for months

with a blanket

and a dirty old pillar that, well,

you can imagine laying on one overnight

in the sand, you know, but I'd dust it

out, try to put my stuff up there, what

little bit I had.

And then I went from that

to a two-man tent. We

set it up there and lived

in it for

just guessing a year, maybe a little

longer than a year. But my

wife would use the bathroom in

this gutter right here. This is where

she'd get up up in the morning, come out

of the tent, come right there to pee, you

know. I was a coal

miner. When I was younger, I was a

coal miner. Had anything I

wanted. Coal miners make good money.

But I let drugs put

me right here. Right here is where drugs

led me.

Everybody's getting laid off from the

mines and everybody's getting laid off

from the strips and everything.

Drugs is what's blooming around here.

You know, I'm being honest with y'all.

Y'all, I know I hate for y'all to be

around this atmosphere

because not everybody's like this,

really. Honest to God,

it's not.

But most people find that that's a quick

dollar because everybody's one,

everybody. People you wouldn't even

think of, cops even,

And that's the quickest dollar

instead of getting out, doing

what you gotta do, ******* digging rope,

washing laundry, watching people's kids.

To make an honest dollar?

Drugs is the next thing.

If you don't work in the mines, the only

other way you got to make money, even

we're close to working in the mines, is

to sell drugs. If you don't see

somebody getting up in the morning and

going to work, they're selling pills, you

know?Prescription drug diversion

is a huge problem here.

because not only does it make the drug

more plentiful, but

it also kind of creates an economy

underground that's far superior

to a legitimate economy, because

most of the kids that are doing it, I

mean, they're looking at service sector

jobs that don't pay well,

and they can make a lot of money. Yeah, I

made this right here. This right here is

off appeal.

In like 20, 30 minutes, man. You just

go to the doctor, you pay cash,

and

pay cash, and they give you the pills.

I'll tell you why I'll show you something

right here and find it, if I can find it.

Right here. They got a doctor

in Washington, D.C. now. You pay him

$1,000 a visit. Look at this bottle.

He is prescribed

450 Oxycontin

30s a month.

He's prescribed 15 30s a

day. Take 6 tablets every

morning, then take 5 tablets at 1 P.m.,

then take 4 tablets at night.

15, and this ain't all he wrote. I wish I

had the other bottles. He wrote these

450 Oxy 30s a month,

200 methadone tens, and

120 speed pills Adderall.

You pay that doctor $1,000 a month, and

this is what he gives you. You think of

the money that was just in this bottle

right here. A hundred of them is $4,000.

450 of these, Oxy-30s.

For the past 10 years, I've averaged

somewhere between 1,800 and 2,000 teeth

extractions. per year.

When we first opened, and I was a little

bit naive about the drug problem as it

was beginning, I think I probably did get

taken advantage of a little bit as far

as, you know, writing

prescriptions for pain medication. But I

learned pretty quick that, you know, I

was going to be not part of that problem.

My dad is also addicted, and me and

him kind of used together. Me and him won

the lottery, $12,000. We spent it in no

time. One week, it was gone. We had

nothing to show for it. We done 1080s

every day. It's epidemic around

here, and it's killing a lot of people,

and it's not going to stop. It's not.

For every person that you bust, three

more pick it up.

Why have you been crying all day?Oh,

because I feel like I'm being forced to

go to a rehab. Why?Because I'm

pregnant. What's

the issue?I don't

want to take my kid. Why are they going

to take your kid?Because I'm

dirty.

I don't know, for the first two years, I

was snorting them. And then, I don't

know, I just seen how good everybody felt

shooting them. So I started shooting up,

and four years later,

I've done, I've done

horrible things for dope. Like,

I've. and stuff I really don't want to

talk about, but

just things that women do, to

get money. I was one of those people

that's walking on the street down there.

I was one of those people. I was scared

to death at first. I was like, oh my God,

I don't want to do this. You know, I was

scared. I was really scared because my

husband, the reason why he went to prison

was because he was trying to support my

pill habit. And I didn't have to do

nothing. I stayed at home all day, and he

went out and robbed coal mines or

whatever he had to do to get us pills. So

when he went to prison, I had to step up

and take that responsibility up for

myself or sit home and be sick. You got

19, 20-year-old girls running around here

that'll give oral sex, any kind of sex

you want for $5 or $10. I mean, it's

horrible. Hepatitis C here, they

said, is like 70 to 80% of this

town from IV users. And that's one thing

I've never done. I ain't never stuck no

needles in my arm or nothing like that,

snort them. yeah?When was the last time

you did it?Just a minute ago, right when

y'all walked in here. I got a whole

pocket full of them right now. I got

Xanaxes and OxyContins.

I like mixing them, and that's a deadly

combination too. They say not to mix

them, but this is the only way I like to

do them. I'll show y'all something. I'll

show y'all how the money is.

And these blue ones right here, I mean,

they don't make regular OxyCotton no

more. They make RoxyCotton. These are

Roxys. That's a 30 milligram Roxy codone

pill. That's anywhere from $40 to

$50 around here, an Mr.

This right here is an Oxy-10, the

top pink. That's $15. This right

here is a peak Xanax. It's a nerve pill.

Right there's about anywhere from $2 to

$3. I take them

and mix them and snort them.

How's that make you feel?

Yeah. When the

80s first started coming around, they

were 120. And then because they started

being recalled or whatever happened, they

were like 170, 180. Yeah, you couldn't

find them. I've seen somebody sell one

OxyContin 80 for $200 one time. And

there was like 5 people fighting over it.

got really bad. It would probably take

me, I'd say,

Probably $600 to $800 to

actually get high. If

I was lucky, then I would actually get

high per day.

The CDC tells us West Virginia is the

most prescription per population

on an annual basis anywhere in the

country. There's only 1.8 million people

in the whole state, and every one of

those men, women, and children get about

18 prescriptions a year. And that's

probably at least 50% higher than the

rest of the country.

We go through 150 or so people a day here

and we'll have an overdose that probably

leads to a death every day. So when

you, and some of those don't, because

we're a regional command center, some of

those people don't even get to us. Their

EMS goes to their homes, finds that

they're dead, they just call in and

then they don't even end up in our

numbers here in the emergency department.

Upstairs we deliverAll the babies in a

five- or six-county area, and at any

given time, I'll be... Because of the

drug abuse of the mothers, half the

babies in the nursery are on methadone.

Many people have called the generation

lost, in terms of lost workforce, lost

education, lost lives.

There's a psychological term called

Appalachian fatalism, and

the people of Appalachia have been

repeatedly taken advantage of. At one

time,Local people

owned all the land around us and all of

the mineral rights, which we now

know was worth billions of dollars. And

once people determined that it was worth

billions of dollars, they came in and

essentially shafted all of the locals out

of all of that. They've been taken

advantage of by outsiders over and over

again, to the point that, number one,

they trust almost no one from outside,

and number two, they have a very

fatalisticlook, a

view of their life. Grandfathers and

fathers have worked in the coal mines,

and their bodies have broken down. And

the doctors that the coal companies

brought in were told, you keep them

working. You do what you need to do to

keep them working. And so they were

prescribed medication, and they kept

working, because they were hardworking

Appalachian men. And so there's this

culture of pills are

good. Pills are a

positive thing. And

and then it's just, I think, kind of

progressed from

narcotics, tie locks, and

Percocet that were abused recreationally.

And when OxyContin came on the scene, I

think people thought it was the same kind

of drug. And all of a sudden, they were

taking a huge step up addiction-wise,

and they were just

addicted like that.

My name is James Robert Lewis. They call

me Bobby. This is my wife,

Shadow Lewis. I have a

problem. I have cancer and I've

been on drugs since I was 12

years old, but I've been on oxycodone

since 2007.

I have an addiction, plus I'm fighting

cancer. So these are

215s I'm getting ready to do. One for me

and one for my wife. This is how I do

it. This is not going to make me hired or

I'm not going to be falling over and

nothing of that sort. This is just to

keep me from being sick throughout the

day. I have brain cancer now

is where it's at now. It went

from my stomach to

my head. They've given

me six months to live twice, and I went

to the chemo and radiation in

Pittsburgh, and they're wanting to take

me back into Morgantown

now to do it

for my head. And truthfully,

Morgantown is, they don't have no bedside

managers. It's all students, and they

don't care about nobody.

That's, I'll let them

operate on my back or my hip or whatever

on my stomach again, but I'll never let

them operate on my hip. They want to

drill two holes right here and

one in the back

behind my ear.

There's nobody that can take me except

for God. But I believe in God. I'm not,

I know I'm not doing right, but what I'm

sitting here doing, but

This is how they do you in the hospital.

I'm not going to lie to you. They come

around with a pill and you swallow it, or

they come around with a shot and inject

it to your IV. I mean, it's nothing that

they don't do. There's nothing here

except for drugs in the coma. It's gone

in this little town. They call it Oxyana.

I mean, it's the name of it,

Oxyana. I mean, there's...

Needless to say, there's more dope in

this little town than I've seen in some

parts of this city, for real. I mean,

that's the truth. There's

more dope in this little town than there

is in some places in the city.

Oceana used to be such a wonderful place

to live, and now you're almost ashamed to

say you're from Oceana because people say

Oxiana. And that's pretty much

what it's become. I've

seen 8, 9, 10-year-old

kids. Shooting dope

to 70, 80,

90-year-old people,

older people, shooting dope. If

it wasn't for drugs in this town, in my

opinion, there wouldn't be no town.

It's just so prevalent here that it's

hard for us to keep track. One time

last summer, I literally had to tell the

drug task force to stop making bias

because we couldn't keep up with the

paperwork. You know, we are in an

unfortunate consequence where the people

that we either want to help

who are addicted or that we are after

because their dealers are killing

themselves off.

I got a whole photo of them.

Right here. Born

'83, June 25th,

'83. Died

April 2nd, 2010.

Overdose. There's another picture

of a girl that died, overdosed. It was a

friend of mine. That's one of the

pictures I had at her funeral. She died,

overdose. I mean, the list

goes on. The list goes on.

You know, half of my graduating class is

dead because of pills, and I'm 23 years

old. Like 2 years after I graduated, I

think six of my friends passed away due

to prescription drugs. And

Last year, I helped bury three of my best

friends due to drugs. And

it's sad, man. It's sad

that, you know, they had, some of them

had kids and those kids will never be

able to live down the fact that their dad

OD'd, you know, and that breaks my heart.

My best friend, Perky, man, when I was,

you know,

since I was, what year did he die?

I don't know, Joey. I wasn't with you

then. I mean, we grew up together all our

lives, man. And he was petroleum

engineering, went to WVU for four years,

got a degree in petroleum engineering and

got a killer job, you know.

And this doctor had hooked him up

on oxys and stuff.

And he didn't live about a year past

that, man. And he overdid and died. We've

known. He was my best friend. He's like

my brother, dude. I've lost two really

close people to Pills, you know.

And when you go look at them

there in that casket and know they're

never going to, they're never going to

breathe again. They're never going to

make you laugh again. You're never going

to get a talk or hang out again. And it's

all because of that. I mean, that sucks.

I hate that. But it's hard to cry

becauseIt's not your

fault. You wouldn't have had it that way.

Every person I know

personally knows somebody who has

OD'd and died.

My girls have a close friend

who his mother OD'd and died.

Everybody knows somebody. It's not like

you know somebody who knows somebody who

knows somebody. Everybody has somebody

that's relatively close to them that has

OD'd and died. AndWhen that is your

reality,

it's scary to think, oh,

well, maybe my kid's just going to go

smoke a joint or something, but what's

after that?When

people dies around here, they say, oh,

they've been oxycuted.

I mean, you got a 20-year-old kid dies,

oh, he's been oxycuted. **** it, he done

it to himself. I mean, they don't care.

What the ****?

Whenever me and her work together about

**** ******* I try to hide a friend for

about months. So then when she see me

snorting my first pill, and I told her

straight up, I was like, no, I'll do the

**** if I got with you. I'm going to

continue to do it. If you want to be with

me, cool. If not, I'll take you home

right now. And she hung around there.

What was that like for you?It was a...

I wasn't expecting it, because I always

said that I wouldn't be with anybody who

would do that kind of stuff, because I

didn't want, I didn't want to get into

it. I didn't want my family to

look down on me as if I was a bad person

for being with somebody. But

I loved them and still do, even though

you get mean sometimes. The thing is,

people look, portray you a different way.

Like they think, just because you did up,

you're a bad, you're a sorry *** ** *

***** you're a bad ************ and they

don't get, you're nothing through to

society or nothing. And all it is, you're

a ******* addict, you can't ******* help

it. I mean, if I could, I'd quit ****

today, wouldn't want to think about

another ******* pill. But ******* when it

gets to the point where you're laying in

a ******* bed, ******* cold, shakes,

******* sweating, ******* can't *******

move, and all these on your ******* mind

is that ******* pill, you just don't give

a **** no more. I mean, I got to the

point, ******* Barry ******* killed me.

And ******* I thought about stupid ****

but ******* started thinking a little bit

rationally about **** and so I tried to

bring myself out of it. But then, you

know, something happened, you get money,

you get something worked up. Get my pill.

I'm happy. I mean, I'm a mean *** ** *

***** some days and ******* know you

don't talk to me, you don't be around me.

Slice little thing and set me off and

I'll fly off the ******* handle. I'm

still with you though. But then as soon

as I get my ******* pill, I'm happy. I'm

a good ************. I mean, I try to

keep it like that way, but it's hard.

Pay $45 for it, one ******* pill.

I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna shoot it up.

I'll hold you in the water on it.

Usually, usually with these, you gotta

******* you gotta cold shoot

these. The other ones, you can throw the

heat to them with these, the heat to

another job on you, and just waste your

******* dope.

Blood rolls back and now you're in there.

I should have wrote $45.

You let everybody do a second off of it

so you can get all your dough up and

after your seconds then it's pretty much

done and over with.

So that's why it's ******* so *******

everybody likes it. It's a tiny slit

******* hit you. You're *******

******* cramps, hurting, and everything

goes away. Just that fast.

There are times that whenever we're down

to like our last bit of money, he'll

be sick. And

I don't like seeing him sick. I've seen

him go through the cold sweats and thrown

up andstuff. And it worries me

because I've heard about the dangers of

people coming off of it. They could die

from it. And I'm scared to

death of that happening all the time. So

I'll tell him, take our last little bit

of money that we've got and go get him

something. It's like if he goes a day

without it, he turns into a

totally different person to the point

where I don't even want to be near him.

But I know that I got to be there for

him. So it's one of those

lose-lose situations, and it

just makes it so difficult.

It also scares me because with the baby

on the way, I don't know,

like if the baby decides that it's going

to be cranky one day and he's sick,

I'm scared that he's just going to blow

up and

just take off somewhere and I won't see

him for the rest of the day

or whatever. Jason pretty much drives

me crazy. I've offered to take him to

rehab, he won't go. He

says he'll go, he'll get cleaned up, and

when that's over, he'll just go right

back. And of course, we've had the talks

about that kind of attitude.

But I think for the most part, he's being

pretty truthful with me about that.

But he's got trouble with the law. And,

you know, him and Chelsea are living in

her grandmother's house.

It's not his. He doesn't have a job, and

he's got a baby on the way. However

responsible is that?

I beg, beg, beg, beg,

beg, hurt, and

never, ever do this, and I, and I said

one night I was just out of...

prison. That was before I ever had any of

my operations or anything. And she was

fresh here. And that's after she'd done

whooped me in front of my friends and

everything. She was

sitting at the house one night and I

was doing a shot. She walked in while I

was doing a shot and

she said, well, she left and then she

come back and then she seen me doing

it again. And she said, well, if you're

going to do it,

And I even cried. I begged her and begged

her, please don't do this. And I wouldn't

hit her. And she sat down after, because

she'd seen how I'd done it, seen other

people, how they'd done it. And she sat

down and fixed it up and she started

poking herself and there was blood

running everywhere. And she had 10 or 15

holes in her. And I finally give in and

said, I'll go ahead and hit

you.

I get prescribed pretty strong

medication because my daddy has

beat on me. It's not like everybody is. I

don't want to come off like everybody

else around here is on dope. Everybody

else is around here and I know that.

And that sounds so bad of me.

But I'm on oxycodone

15s and oxycodone

R5s for boosters.

and I'm on Xanax's.

And I don't have time for my

back to hurt. I don't have time for my

neck to hurt. I have a little girl

that is into everything.

My pain medicine, honest to

God, helps me function.

I don't abuse my medication.

I take them like I'm supposed to

becauseHell, I need them, you know?

I got anxiety and depression.

And I ain't gonna lie, every now and then

I get a little ******* crazy.

I first started doing pills because I

think Kayla, my cousin, she lost, I used

to be like really big. And she

started doing pills and she lost like 80

pounds, like really quick. I lost like,

almost 100 pounds in four months.

Yeah. And I was happy then, but I

didn't know I was going to get hooked on

pills like that. I don't know, me and

somebody robbed this dude,

took like

15, $1,600 from him. And

we took off for the night. We got a bunch

of pills and we got a bunch of Coke and

hung out in Beckley. And the first time I

shot up,It was the OxyContin, the

ones that they made, they used to make,

the OC ones. And it was just the best

feeling in the world. I just fell in love

with it.

It's a love-hate relationship. I mean,

that's the plain fact and the truth about

it. I mean, I love it because the way it

makes me feel and how it takes everything

away, but I hate it because of what it's

doing to me and what it's doing to the

people around me. Because at the

time, I always said, no, it ain't

affecting nobody, it's ******* myself,

but it's affecting everybody around me

too, my family, my friends.

And I got that baby on the way, and I

want you to start doing right, but

******* hell man, ******* I

tried it. Like I said, I go like two or

three days, and I mean, you know,

Chelsea, one night, I was in there,

******* I mean, hot as **** ** in here,

and I was back there ******* shivering,

shaking, ******* shirt was sucking wet.

Man, I felt like I was on my ******* dad

bed. And then just luckily, babe, I took

a loan, me ******* $40, and I went down

Pineville, got me a ******* 30. And soon

I got home and done, and ******* I was

up, moving around, jumping, duty, *******

this, no, ******* you like, damn, who

just have this ************?I mean, you

didn't think that about ****. You

have to have it. You'll do anything to

get it. And so you'll go,And you'll sit

with this old man that sells drugs

because if you sit with him long enough,

then he'll just keep handing you 30s,

80s, coke, whatever you want. And you

know what he's wanting. In your head, you

know what he's wanting, but it's like it

doesn't even matter. It doesn't even

matter because as long as you're getting,

as long as he's feeding those pills to

you and you're getting them, you don't

even think about that. You don't think

about the consequences in your head

whatsoever once you're getting them,

whatsoever. You don't, it doesn't hit you

until after the fact, until after you're

sober. The last thing you think

of before you go to sleep at

night is how

can I get me a fix in the morning?

And when your eyes first open up that

morning, that's the first thing you

think of is how am I going to get it?

And one way or another, you'll get it

if I have to take it. And I've never went

and armed and robbed nobody or beat

up nobody. But I'd trick you.

I'd say, you got any more of them for

sale?Yeah, well, here, sell me two. Well,

when he gets his bottle out, and I'm

gone. I'm convicted of two

murders. Who's going to come under here

and bother me?I mean, not bragging. It's

a shame. I'm ashamed. I'm not bragging to

you. I'm ashamed of,

you know, the lifestyle I've lived, you

know. Is it scary living around here

because-- Yeah, you

never. I'm surprised them

speakers and stuff. I haven't got

stolen yet because, and that PlayStation

3, because there's so many thieves

around here, honestly.

People think, I mean,

people that you think that will be your

best friend, people that's been there for

you through thick and thin,

you'd think that they'd be there for you.

But they'd be the one to **** you over

the most.

Tell them

how we met. When I first seen

her in prison, I walked over to

her. I put my hand up, burning her chin

out to her. I said, as long as you're

with me, you'll keep your head held high.

I broke down when my dad passed away. In

my senior year of high school, I had a

nerve breakdown, but I worked through it.

And I know it's going to be probably the

hardest or harder of me when he does pass

away, but I can handle it. I know that

God has not put me nothing.

I have, God has not put nothing on me I

can't fight in life. And I know this,

I'm going to miss him. And I promise him

from the day we've gotten together,that

I'd always be here to take care of his

mom. And that's what I will do.

And I won't walk away. I haven't walked

away since, you know, we got married. He

thought he was going to lose me after we

went back to prison. And I didn't leave

then. And I know when God does take him,

I won't leave. And this, Bobby is my

special one in my life. It says,

someone special, the most beautiful thing

in the world are not seeing, what's

that word?The

most beautiful thing in the world, art,

not seen, nor touched. Not

seen, touched. These are feelings with my

heart. And Bobby is my heart. I've never

had self-esteem. I've never had nothing.

And when he walked in my life, I always

thought I was fat and ugly. I am a big

girl. I've been heavy since I've been

born. But I can say, God put me here for

me. And now I can say, thanks to my

husband. I love myself now. I never loved

myself before. Because my mom hated me,

and she still hates me. But there's

nothing I can't get through because I got

a great mother-in-law, and I got a great

husband.

Beautiful. Six weeks. She's 6 weeks old.

I'm a mean dog. No, stop. You're not

getting down. When I graduated high

school, I had a nursing license. I had a

brand new car. I had gotten married. I

had anything I wanted. Within three

months after I had my child, I was

addicted to the needle. In one day,

my husband went to prison. The following

day, my car got repossessed before I got

out of the bed. The following day, my

child was taken. So within three days, I

lost everything I ever loved in my life.

And it just got to where I could care

less if I lived or died. I mean, the only

thing I've done, I woke up every day to

do pills. That's it. My mom used to tell

me, your kids don't even mean enough to

you to stop doing drugs. And she's right.

Once you get on them, your kids don't,

nothing means nothing to you. I mean, the

only thing you care about is a pill. And

that's... It completely takes over you.

Yeah, it's like, it's like a demon that's

inside you that you can't get out for

nothing. And it controls your life. You

don't have control of your life no more.

It controls it completely. I'm going to

show you, which I may not should,

but I'm going to show you what I do.

This is one thing

that I can honestly say

that turned me around

to being a better person. This is called

a Suboxone. What I do of the mornings

I'll take, and I'll bend this in half.

Some people take the knife, but I'll just

close enough, I'll tie it in two.

I'll save that one,

but I'll take that, and

which I got dentures. It's hard to do

with dentures, but I fold it up. up,

just like I am right here. And all

I do with that is lay it under my tongue.

And that's it.

It takes all the craving from

drugs away. I don't want

OxyContin no more, but I crave

these. If I ain't got

one of these a day, I'm just as

dope sickas if I

didn't have a shot of dope.

It's getting bad. Like,

you really can't trust a lot of people.

People rob, old people. for their

medicine. Like old

people that come out of the pharmacy,

they'll just hit them and beat them

underneath and then take whatever they

got. It could be high blood pressure

medicine or it just, it don't matter

to people. It's just getting to the point

where it's getting bad.

I mean, people just turn up

missing in a couple weeks or a couple

months down the road. They'll find them

andan old sewage pond or down to Arty

Bay Lake or, I mean, it just

depends. People say, well, they was

ratting and then all of a sudden they're

gone and then they find their bones

somewhere. My grandma freaks out because

over in Metheny, they found like

bones of, I don't think it was one or two

of them girls that was missing from

Oceana. And

all they found was their bones that dogs

have been chewing on. My grandma says, I

don't care what they're doing. They

didn't deserve that.

My brother was murdered. He was

found behind this house in a pool

nine months after he disappeared. He was

tied down with cinder blocks around

his neck and stuff.

AndChess was a big

man, 6'3, 6'4,

260, 270, and he was a rough old

boy. I don't think no one person took him

from the front. At the same time

period, he disappeared. Two

females and another guy disappeared in

about a 2 1/2 week period, all of them

within a four to five mile radius of each

other. And this is a small community,

which you can see, andIt's

just real odd. Maybe they were

partying together and

things just got out of hand.

Ever since I lost my family, I

just, I don't know, it's like a piece of

me's being dead ever since and

I just feel like, you know, you gotta

live life to its fullest, you might as

well speak your mind and let people know.

And don't, you know, don't take people

for granted either 'causeWhen I left my

mom and dad's house that day, everybody

was loving on me, tell you, love you.

I told him I loved him, and then

I left, and I came back up for that

morning to bring my daddy's check, and

every one of them was dead, man.

I went up to my parents' house, it was on

a Saturday. I went back to my

mom's bedroom, and I was talking to her.

She wanted me to order a pizza. I was at

late off time. We didn't have no money.

She wanted me to order a pizza and give

her some cigarettes down the road. They

didn't have a vehicle. Well, she gave

me the money. And my dad was acting funny

as hell because my mom, I was in the

bedroom with her and she kept saying, be

quiet. He's listening. I was like, what

the hell?Well, I jumped up off the bed,

walked through the bedroom door. He took

off running from the door. He'd be

listening to us. You know, acting

paranoid as hell. Anyway, I left. She

gave me $40 that day. I got on the phone

and even acted like I called her to her

peach and ****. Left and went and bought

me a pill, bought me a couple of Oxy 40s.

But my dad told me when I left, I didn't

have a vehicle. He said, go pick up my

check in the morning, my minor's pension

check. He was a cold matter all his life.

I said, okay, I'll be up about 10

o'clock, dad. I left

her. I told him I loved him. I got to see

my brother last time I ever seen him. It

was like 5 minutes. He came out of his

bedroom. He said, you know, I love you.

I'll see you here in a minute. We're

going to bring the pizza back.

I left and came back up right

next morning and I seen methadone pills

laying all over the counter. I was like,

what the hell?Because Daddy usually kept

them on him. I like gold to him. And

they,I started tiptoeing over. I was

going to try to get me a couple of them.

I looked around the corner and my dad was

sitting there and he had dried blood. It

was already dried down the side of his

head. I looked at him and I said, what do

you do?You folks don't fall and hit your

head?And he never moved. And

I looked down and I looked down and he's

left-handed. He's sitting in a chair.

He's like he's right here sitting in a

chair. His head was there and his

hand was like his. Well, I looked down

and there's apistol laying. It was my

brother's pistol. I was laying facing him

and I thought, my damn heart just

dropped. I said, oh God. I said, mom,

Chad. I started yelling for my mom and my

brother and nobody had answered.

But anyway, I know Dave was dead, but I

had to see myself, man. I went to my

brother's room. He was laying halfway off

his bed. He had a blanket. Dad had put a

blanket on him from his waist over

top of him. I didn't have enough guts to

lift a blanket off of him. I know he was

gone. Anyway, I left that room,

and I guess rising in such a state of

shock. When I left his room, I

went to my mother's room, and

bless her heart, man, she had multiple

sclerosis. She's in real bad shape. She

was dying. And she was laying in a fetal

position with her hands like this and her

eyes closed and a blanket on her. She

never knew what hit her. He shot her like

she was asleep point-blank rain.

But I got in the room. It was dark in

there. I couldn't see real good. I

started shaking her leg. I was like, mom,

mom, get up, mom. I said, get up, mom.

She never moved. And I turned the

light on in the bedroom. When I turned

the light on in the bedroom, I seen where

he shot her in the head. And her whole

pillow was saturated with blood. I mean,

and the sad thing about it was I

left. I didn't know what to do. I was in

shock. I left and I went to the bottom of

the driveway. And I went to the bottom

of the driveway. It was January 31st.

Brother, it's cold up here. I had no

shirt on. I was in a pair of shorts and

no shoes. I guess I'd freaked out so bad.

And these cars going in there, I was

hollering. I was flagging, please stop,

help me. Somebody stop, help me.

Everybody's going on by. They thought I'd

have been crazy, a madman or something. I

talked to people later, but nobody

stopped. So I had to go back up there,

go back in and get the phone that was

sitting with my dad. I just turned my

head and I grabbed the phone. And

I noticed then when I grabbed the phone,

a picture of my daughter up there, my dad

was holding a little waltz-sized picture

of her in his hand. We

kind of found out, I found out the reason

he'd covered my brother up with that

blanket, he'd shot my brother in the eye.

I guess he couldn't stand and look and

see what he'd done. He shot my brother

four times, and he shot my mother three

times. And I'll go ahead and be

honest, this might **** some family off

or whatever. And the cops don't know it

either, but my mom was prescribed

oxys right from my brother to keep him,

and he's safe away from my dad. When I

found my baby brother laying on halfway

off his bed, he was sprouted out like

this. And both my mom's scripts was

laying at the tips of his finger, her

script bottles. So I suppose they got in

an argument, and he killed them over.

So I guess, you know, I hate anybody to

look at my dad and say that he killed

My family over pills or whatever, but

that's what they do to you, man. They

made him crazy.

Psalms 107 verse from, O

give thanks unto the Lord, for he is

good, for his mercy endureth forever.

That's one of my favorite

passages in the Bible. He's my

life. I mean, I

don't praise nobody else.

And I thank him every night for letting

me live another day. And nine times out

of 10, I thank him every morning for

letting me wake up, because I'm not

promised.

Hang on, because these two, I'm not

much, but I hang on for these two.

I'm going to until I can't no more.

My ex-husband kept me alive while I was

ODing. Did

you want to die?Yeah.

Wow. Because my kids weren't in my life.

And I was in, I was away from them.

And that's why I really am on drugs, is

because

it's my crutch with my kids.

Yeah, I mean, if y'all had just any,

like 1/4 of the addiction that we've

been through, man, you would understand

completely. You wouldn't even ask that

question. You'd still be

like, damn, why am I still alive today?

**** you

know. Nobody's going to care. You know,

this is West Virginia. I think we're all

a bunch of inbred pieces of

**** you know. People's actually

trying, you know, we can't get nowhere.

It

just sucks, man.

You can't have a beer. You want yourpasty?

I'm gonna be straight up. I

am a white girl in this world trying to

make it. And that's all I am. And that's

all I'll ever be, as far as I see it. But

I want better for my youngin'. If it

wasn't for me getting hurt,

I wouldn't be here. I know for a fact I

wouldn't be in this area. There's nothing

here. There's nothing here to grow up on.

I'm so much better than what I got.

I want her to grow up thinking

the world is her oyster and

whatever she wants to do,

she can't. I don't want her to

be left back or

limitated

because she's from West Virginia.

I used to be the most laid-back person in

the world. Carefree,

hung out. I tell you what, I went with my

mom and dad's every single day. This

lift's 2 minutes from here. I'd walk up

there, drive up there and see them every

single day. I was a very happy

person, and that

happened, and I'm not happy, man.

How can you be happy when you lost?

I mean, I lost everything, man. I'm not

******* happy.

And I sit up here by myself, and I

sit and look at them pictures, and just

sit and dwell on the **** think about

what all drugs has done.

It is a struggle. It's like an

alcoholic. Every time he passes that beer

coral, he thinks, boy, it tasted good.

Well, every time I see somebody doing

dope, I think,Boy, I remember the rush I

got off that. But I block it out,

and, I love to go through this

program and have my kid and just have a

normal life. Like, even if I got to work

at McDonald's or something like that,

just, it's a normal life. Like, I don't

have to worry about dope. But it's just

living in this area. It's just, it's

everywhere. Can you have a normal life

here?No.

It's just not possible.

It's in your face everywhere you go. I

hope every day my kid don't want to go. I

don't want my kid to go through this.

At all. At all. I would never wish this

on anybody. I would not wish this on

anybody. I wish

everybody could, you know, have

this. same mindset that that

have a good, happy, clean life, not need

stuff like that, but it's just not that

way and.

It's hard. It's hard to explain because

they're just. There's no

saving some of these people. I have to

tell my kids all the time. Look, a lot of

the stuff that happens here is not.

It's just not normal. That's just not the

way that it is in a lot of other places.

And sometimes you get scared and

frustrated and you say, man, I just want

to get out of here. I just like to take

my kids and get out of here.

But I love this place. And I love the

people here. And I

guess I don't have solutions. I don't

know what to do.

It's like he didn't kill me that day, but

he did, you know what I mean?I feel, to

be honest with you, I feel like I'm just

waiting for my turn. And I feel like,

you know, I don't know how y'all are

atheists believe in God or whatever, but

I believe when I go, you know, if there's

a hell, I know my dad's there. But I

believe when I go that my mom and my

brother will be waiting there on me.

SometimesThat's what I want. I'm

not suicidal. I'll never kill myself. I'm

scared of death from dying, but

I feel like this all got sucked out of me

that day. I'll tell you that. I just,

I don't know. I'm dying

to sniff some right now. The

only thing I know is their war on drugs

ain't working at all.

They need a totally new approach. We're

spending billions of dollars, and what

are we getting out of it?Just more

problems. Did you

see Jason when he was tiny?

Right here. Little guy. At

one time, he was a little guy. I

don't do anything. I take my Plavix

and blood pressure pill. That's it.

That's all I take.

And I'll tell them when they're like, my

knees are hurting, I'm going to take it

and leave. Take your Tylenol.

Don't cut it. should. That's in your

head. Well, not when you be on stuff.

It's still, it's in your head. You be on

Tylenol and stuff and little stuff don't

cut. Well, but if you went to rehab and

got educated on your disease. I know

my stuff. I think Jason is a

binge addict. Yeah. I don't

think he does it every day. But if

he's got money, he'll do it.

Because he does, he binges A lot. That's

what really scares me. Because binge

addicts are more likely to die of an

overdose.

I hate that. Did I hurt my family?

But I can't help it, though. It just

happened. It felt normal.

I told you I'd take you to rehab. I

told you I'd get you in rehab.

I can't afford the methadone clinic,

Jason, but I'll get you in rehab.

I said it's a lot easier than done.

Well, you're going to have to, baby, or

somebody else is going to end up raising

that child for you.

That does **** me off. Well, baby,

nobody can do it but you. Because if I

could do it for you, it wouldn't

have been done. Well, I'll get it

worked out. Always

seem to somehow.

Yeah, for now. For now. For now, itworks.

Well, like I said, I'll take you to a

rehab.

I'll buy you cigarettes while you're

there. I'll get you underwear, socks,

whatever you need, pajamas, whatever.

But I can't do it for you.

I get busted again. I get 15 life

on three times. Do you care?Yeah, I care.

What kind of dad will I be sitting up

there talking to my daughter behind me?

You know?I'd rather-- I'll tell you

the truth. You might think I'm crazy,

but,

uh... I'm not going back to jail. I'm

not. They have to kill me. I'm just not

going back. I've done my time. I'm not

going back. They have to kill me. I

promise you. You might even hear about it

on the news. The ************* come out

there after me. I don't know how

about you this. We're aiming for a rude

awakening, because I'm not ******* going

back.

Behind my brown eyes, you see only tears.

Only if you look closer, you can revere

my fears. If you look at my arms under my

shirt, all you see is cuts and wonder how

much it hurts. I'm torn from one

place to another. Why is that?

Only the one that loves me is my mother.

Why must my dad left this life so short?

Makes me wonder if I would have ever

wounded up in court. As I

lay here just thinking of the days, how

could I have done such a good job of

******* them away?I'd like to look at it

as my journey is just beginning, but why

does every day seem like it's just the

ending?

Down in the will of

God in

me and my love did

me.

As we sat the

curtain,

my love

fell off to sleep.

I had a bottle

of burgundy

wine My love

she did not know

So I

poisoned that tears little

girl

On the banks below

I drew a saber's

over

It was a

bloody night

I threw her in

the river

Was a dreadful sight

My father

often told

me

That money would set

me free

If I would murder

that dear little girl

Whose name was Rose

Connolly

My father sits

at his cabin

door

Wiping his

tear-dimmed eyes

For his only son

soon shall walk

My race is

run beneath the sun

The scaffold now

waits for me

For I did murder

that dear little girl