Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIVE HOME VIDEO, INC.

WHAT THE HELL?

THE STAGECOACH IS COMING!

THE STAGECOACH IS COMING!

[TOWNSWOMAN] NO NEED TO STOP.

HYAH!

HYAH! HYAH!

[CLEARS THROAT]

HANDS UP!

HOWDY.

[HORSES WHINNY]

THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS MONTH.

YOU REALLY SHOULD GIVE THE DEPOSITORS A CHANCE

TO BUILD UP THEIR ACCOUNTS.

HUH?

GOOD LUCK.

HEY. I'VE GOT A JOB.

[PIANO PLAYING]

WHAT'LL IT BE?

I WOULD REALLY LOVE A GIN AND TONIC--

SLICE OF LIME, CRACKED ICE.

WHISKEY.

O.K., BELLE. O.K. ALL RIGHT.

GET OUT! GET OUT!

LEMME GIVE YOU AN IOU.

I AM DONE WORKING FOR IOUs,

AND I'M DONE WORKING FOR ROCKS!

HERE...

HERE'S A REFUND.

OHHH...

ZEKE.

WHY, HARRY BOB FERGUSON!

AHH!

WHAT A TERRIFIC SURPRISE.

I MUST CONFESS,

I'VE NEVER CONSIDERED YOU TO BE

THE READER TYPE--PER SE.

I NEED A BIG DAMN BOOK.

A BIG DAMN BOOK. SUPER. WE CERTAINLY HAVE A FEW.

BUT IF I MIGHT, HAVE YOU BEEN MORE IN THE MARKET

FOR A COFFEE TABLE, IMPRESS-YOUR-GUESTS THING,

OR ARE YOU LEANING TOWARDS

A FLIP-RIGHT-THROUGH-IT- BEFORE-BED NUMBER?

LIKE A CHOCOLATE?

OH. NOT ANOTHER WORD.

I'D LIKE TO RECOMMEND

ONE OF MY VERY FAVORITE AUTHORS TO YOU--

WOMAN NAMED JANE AUSTEN.

THIS IS A WRITER

OF JUST WONDERFULLY EXQUISITE PROSE.

AND AS YOU SEE, IT'S A BIG DAMN BOOK.

HA HA HA!

OH, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE.

YOU'RE GOING TO GET MORE THAN A RUN FOR YOUR MONEY.

HOW MUCH?

WELL, I THINK $2.00 IS A FAIR PRICE.

REALLY?

MM-HMM.

HOW MUCH FOR JUST THE PRIDE?

WELL, ACTUALLY, ONE DOES HATE

TO BREAK UP THE SET.

ALL RIGHT. I GOT TO TEST IT FIRST.

BEG YOUR PARDON?

AAH!

WHERE IS YOUR OUTHOUSE?

IT'S IN BACK.

WHAT'LL IT BE?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I'M A MESS.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

WHISKEY.

WHAT A SURPRISE.

THIS HERE'S THE FERGUSON PLACE.

LET ME HELP YOU DOWN HERE, MA'AM.

WATCH YOUR STEP.

AAH!

SON OF A BITCH!

ARGGH!

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

QUITE SURE.

WELL...

GOOD-BYE.

AND GOOD LUCK.

GOOD-BYE.

YA!

[BRAWLING]

AAAH!

[WHISTLING]

OOH!

TWO!

WHOO!

[WOMAN] EXCUSE ME!

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO.

OOH.

HELLO.

HUH?

OOOH!

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

HELLO.

MY NAME IS LINDSEY THURLOW.

HUH?

THE MAIL-ORDER BRIDE.

HUH HUH...

WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE GROOM?

NONE OF US COULD AFFORD A BRIDE ON HIS OWN,

SO WE ALL JUST SORT OF... PITCHED IN.

THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

MY CONTRACT WAS SIGNED BY A, UH...

MR. CLAYTON FERGUSON.

HE'S IN THE BARN.

THANK GOD.

OHH!

THANK GOD!

[MOO]

MILLIE, COME BACK, DARLIN'!

I WAS JOKIN'!

[MOO]

WOMEN!

THEY'RE ALWAYS ARGUING.

HUH HUH HUH...

RIGHT.

WHAT'LL IT BE--

WHISKEY.

HEY, FERGUSON. IS IT RAINING?

I THOUGHT WE WAS IN DROUGHT.

[CKK]

[CATTLE LOWING]

OH.

OH, GOD.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM, THERE, MISTER?

UH, YEAH. THESE ARE MY COWS.

YOU SEE? THEY SAY "PHIL'S COW,"

AND, UH...

HEY, I'M PHIL.

THEY WERE STOLEN FROM ME ABOUT TWO NIGHTS AGO.

AHH!

YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN.

I BOUGHT THESE COWS LAST YEAR IN...

DODGE.

OF COURSE, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT,

WE CAN SETTLE IT HERE.

THAT'S LIFE, HUH?

I DON'T MUCH LIKE BEING CALLED A...

CATTLE RUSTLER.

I DON'T BLAME YOU.

TAKE 10 PACES.

SAY, I'D LOVE TO, BUT I CAN'T,

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M ANTIHANDGUN.

SO, UH...

LET'S SEE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE FLIP FOR THEM?

I SAID TAKE 10 PACES,

TURN, AND START SHOOTIN'.

THOSE ARE COWS!

WHAT AM I, CRAZY? WHAT HAVE I BEEN THINKIN'?

I'M A SHEEP RANCHER!

HA HA HA!

START WALKIN'!

1...

2...

3...

4...

WHAT COMES AFTER 4?

4 1/2.

4 1/2...

5...

8, 9--

WHERE THE HELL DID HE GO?

I CAN'T FACE ANOTHER WOUNDED TELLER

WITH A WORKMAN'S COMP CLAIM!

[JULIAN] HE TOOK THE BOOK TO THE OUTHOUSE

AND USED IT AS TOILET PAPER!

NO MORE IOUs, NO MORE ROCKS!

[PHIL] WHAT WERE WE THINKING?

[JULIAN] WHY DID WE COME OUT HERE?

WHY DON'T WE GO BACK?

WHAT?WHAT?

YEAH, BACK EAST. BACK HOME.

BACK. COME ON.

YOU'RE TALKIN' CRAZY.

AM I?

WE CAN'T GO EAST.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE.

BECAUSE IT'S AGAINST THE CODE.

EXACTLY. IT'S AGAINST THE CODE.

WHAT CODE?

YOU KNOW WHAT CODE. THE CODE... OF THE WEST.

OH, THE CODE OF THE WEST.

THE SAME CODE THAT SAYS, UH...

[JULIAN] "THE ONLY GOOD INDIAN IS A DEAD INDIAN."

AND "DIE WITH YOUR BOOTS ON."

WAIT. I GOT ANOTHER ONE--

"IF SOMEONE STEALS YOUR HORSE, HANG 'EM."

QUITE A CODE. LET'S STAY.

ADMITTEDLY NOT AN ENLIGHTENED IDEOLOGY.

BUT LEAVING WOULD BE LIKE GIVING UP.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT WOULD BE, BEN.

SO LET'S JUST GIVE UP.

LET'S GET A WAGON MASTER AND GO HOME.

LET'S GO EAST. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I SAY YOU'RE GUTLESS, YELLOW-BELLIED, EASTERN SISSIES!

ALL YOU DONE SINCE YOU GOT HERE IS COMPLAIN!

GO BACK AND LEAVE THE WEST TO THE REAL MEN!

I COULD HAVE THE BOOKS

ON THE WAGON REALLY QUICKLY,

AND THE CAPPUCCINO MACHINE

TRAVELS LIKE A DREAM.

HENRIETTA MISSES HER FAMILY BACK EAST.

I COULD TAKE CARE OF MY GIRLS,

SETTLE MY IOUs--

WAIT!

WE NEED A SIGN.

SIGN?

FROM THE LORD.

ACTUALLY, A SIGN WOULD BE TERRIFIC.

OH! OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

[THUNDERING]

HEY, ZEKE, COME ON. REALLY, THERE'S YOUR SIGN.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME IT RAINED HERE, HUH?

THAT'S NOT A SIGN. IT'S JUST RAIN.

ZEKE, THAT IS A MAJOR SIGN.

IT'S JUST THE WIND, PHIL.

[JULIAN] TOUGH ROOM, PHIL.

OOH!

[THUNDER]

[JULIAN] OH, DEAR.

THAT...

THAT'S A SIGN.

[THUNDER]

WHAT?

OHH!

[BEN] WHO'S HE?

WHO IN THE...

[ZEKE] STRANGER?

SMELLS LIKE WHISKEY.

WELL, HE'S CERTAINLY COME

TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

[BEN] I DON'T RECOGNIZE HIM.

EASY, SLICK! YOU AIN'T A CUSTOMER YET!

HANDS OFF!

"JAMES H. HARLOW."

"WAGON MASTER."

SURE YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY?

I DON'T EAT MEAT...

WHEN I'M DRINKIN'.

HA HA HA!

LOOK, I KNOW HE LOOKS A LITTLE UNSTEADY,

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT HIM--

SOMETHING IN HIS EYES.

THOSE ARE BLOOD VESSELS.

THE MAN'S A DRUNK.

IT COULD BE PINKEYE.

THAT'S GOING AROUND.

LISTEN, COULD YOU GO THROUGH THAT ROUTE AGAIN

FOR US, HUH?

FOLLOW ME.

GENTLEMEN...

THIS IS THE SOUTHWEST TERRITORIES.

WE'RE GOING TO START HERE.

HERE'S CHIMNEY ROCK.

OVER HERE'S DEVIL'S GATE.

NO, NO, NO. THIS IS--

AAH!

AAH!

PLATTE RIVER. NOW I KNOW WHERE I AM.

CAN'T YOU JUST USE A MAP?

I DON'T USE MAPS, EARL.

BEN!

BEN.

GOT IT ALL UP HERE...

WHERE IT COUNTS!

MMM.

THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.

CAN WE GO, PHIL?

HOLD ON. LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

THIS DUTCH OVEN'S OUR FIRST CAMPSITE.

RIGHT. RIGHT NEXT TO THE PAWNEE NATION.

NO, THAT CAN'T BE THE PAWNEE NATION.

THEY'RE NOT THAT UNIFIED.

PAWNEE'D BE MORE LIKE

THIS HERE MUFFIN TIN.

WE CANNOT ENTRUST THE LIVES

OF OUR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS TO THIS...

DRUNKEN LUNATIC!

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT.

RESPECT...

TAKEN.

OH, MISTER...

I DON'T BLAME YOU

FOR DOUBTIN' MY ABILITIES.

YOU'D BE A FOOL NOT TO.

BEEN A DRUNK FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.

BUT I KNOW THIS LAND!

I JUST NEED A CHANCE.

IT AIN'T ABOUT THE MONEY,

I'LL LEAVE THAT TO YOU.

BUT YOU FOLKS...

YOU NEED A WAGON MASTER,

AND, WELL...

I'D LIKE IT TO BE ME.

WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE OUR MAN, HARLOW.

WHAT?

THANK YOU, JERRY.

WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S... IT'S, UH, PHIL.

YOU WON'T BE SORRY.

OH, MY!

LADIES.

WE LEAVE AT DAWN.

NOONISH.

HEY, THERE-- THERE HE IS!

HEY, THAT LOOKS LIKE A WAGON MASTER TO ME.

WHOA!

PEOPLE READY, MR. TAYLOR?

YES, SIR!

ALL RIGHT. MOUNT YOUR WAGONS!

WAGONS, HO!

GO ON! GO ON!

WAGON MASTER.

YOO-HOO!

YOO-HOO!

WHEN I SAY "WAGONS, HO,"

THAT'S THE SIGNAL THAT Y'ALL PULL OUT

AND FOLLOW ME.

YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY.

BEN, WE NEVER TOLD HIM

WHERE WE WERE GOING.

IS THIS SOME GUESSING GAME?

NO, NO, NO, NO. WE'RE, UH...

GOING, UH, EAST.

EAST?

DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

I DON'T KNOW. DON'T SEEM RIGHT.

I'VE ALWAYS GONE WEST.

WELL, WE'RE GOING EAST.

DO YOU WANT THE JOB OR NOT?

WAGONS...

EAST!

COME ON!

[MAN] BYE, JULIAN!

GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN.

IF I COULD HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR A MOMENT, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

NOW, AS YOU KNOW,

THE SUCCESS OF OUR TRANSCONTINENTAL RAILROAD

DEPENDS UPON THE SUCCESS OF THE LAND RUSH

SCHEDULED FOR THE 4th OF JULY.

PRESIDENT GRANT HAS MADE IT CLEAR,

IF THE POPULATION ISN'T BUILT UP IN THE WEST,

WE DON'T GET ANY MORE MONEY TO SUBSIDIZE OUR RAILROAD.

TOM, LET'S HEAR YOUR REPORT.

PEOPLE ARE CAMPED ON TOP OF EACH OTHER.

TO USE THEIR TERMS,

"THEY'RE CHOMPIN' AT THE BIT

AND RARIN' TO GIT..."

HA HA!

AS SOON AS THEY RECEIVE THE GO-AHEAD JULY 4th.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. MMM!

BEFORE WE COUNT OUR CHICKENS,

LISTEN TO THIS TELEGRAM

FROM A COUPLE AGENTS OUT WEST.

"HAVE LEARNED OF A WAGON TRAIN

"PLANNING TO HEAD EAST.

"REPEAT--EAST.

"FIVE WAGONS IN ALL. POSSIBLE TREND?

STOP-- PLEASE ADVISE."

NOW, GENTLEMEN, I SUBMIT TO YOU,

THERE GOES THE WEST.

HA HA HA!

I JUST HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LATE

TO GIVE WASHINGTON BACK THE $100 MILLION.

[RAPPING]

QUIET!

LET ME SEE THAT.

WILL YOU TAKE THAT OFF, ALREADY?

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY OWN FATHER'S A QUITTER.

STOP SAYING THAT.

JUST BECAUSE A MAN DECIDES TO QUIT

DOESN'T MAKE HIM A...

WELL, I GUESS IT DOES, DOESN'T IT?

ALL RIGHT, THEN, I'M A QUITTER.

BUT THERE'S NO SHAME IN QUITTING.

THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED BY QUITTERS--

ENGLISH QUITTERS, FRENCH QUITTERS,

GERMAN QUITTERS.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

IF NOT FOR QUITTERS,

NO ONE WOULD START ANYTHING.

AND BUCKLE UP.

HOWDY, PHIL.

HOW YOU DOIN', ZEKE?

WHAT'S THAT WAGON MASTER FELLA'S NAME AGAIN?

YOU MEAN HARLOW.

YEP. BEEN GNAWIN' AT ME SINCE I SET EYES ON HIM.

YOU DON'T FORGET SOMEBODY LIKE THAT.

WHY? WHAT DID HE DO?

THAT'S THE ONLY PART I CAN'T REMEMBER.

SOMETHING REALLY GOOD...

YEAH?

OR REALLY BAD.

OH.

YOU MUST REMEMBER SOMETHING.

IT'LL COME TO ME. YOU CAN BE SURE OF IT.

MAYBE NOT.

HOWDY, MA'AM.

I DIDN'T PROPERLY INTRODUCE MYSELF.

THE NAME'S HARLOW.

I'LL BE YOUR WAGON MASTER.

I'D SAY THE JURY'S STILL OUT.

PRETTY QUICK TO JUDGE A MAN, AREN'T YOU?

IN MY LINE OF WORK, IT TAKES NO TIME AT ALL.

I'D LIKE TO PROVE YOU WRONG ONE DAY, MA'AM.

OH!

MY DOLL!

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

HO!

MY DOLL!

OHH!

OHH!

OH...

MA'AM.

COME ON!

YAH!

MOVE IT OUT!

COME ON!

[HARLOW] HOW MANY WAGONS DID WE START WITH, PHIL?

[PHIL] FIVE. WHY? DID WE LOSE ONE?

NOPE. GAINED A COUPLE.

SHOOT, WE'RE TURNING INTO A MOVEMENT.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT.

FIX THIS.

NOT NOW, YOU NINCOMPOOP.

UH, J.P...

YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE JUST PICKED UP

A FEW STRAGGLERS-- ONE OR TWO WAGONS.

THEY'RE CLEARING OUT THE DEADWOOD FOR US.

DEADWOOD. YES.

I'D LIKE TO CLEAR OUT SOME DEADWOOD

FROM AROUND HERE.

YOU'RE DISMISSED, SMEDLY.

DISMISSED...

DISMISSED, SIR?

WAIT, SIR. I-I'VE...

BEEN WITH THE COMPANY 20 YEARS.

NOT FIRED, YOU SNIVELING IDIOT.

DISMISSED! NOW, GET OUT!

OH, YES, OF COURSE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YES, SIR.

TAKE A LETTER.

I'M JUST GOING TO USE YOUR PEN.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

NO, I'M NOT.

GO AHEAD. I'LL REMEMBER.

ADDRESS IT TO MR. JOHN SLADE...

MR. JOHN SLADE...

SOMEWHERE ON THE HIGH PLAINS.

JOHN SLADE... THE HIGH PLAINS.

DEAR MR. SLADE...

JOHN SLADE... HIGH PLAINS... MR. SLADE.

SOMETHING OF GREAT IMPORTANCE

REQUIRES YOUR IMMEDIATE ATTENTION.

...IMMEDIATE ATTENTION. DEAR MR. JOHN...

WHOA, WHOA! EASY, MR. SLADE, EASY.

PONY EXPRESS.

I GOT A TELEGRAPH FOR YOU.

IF I COULD GET YOU TO SIGN RIGHT HERE.

UNUSUAL SIGNATURE YOU HAVE THERE.

TWO MORE STOPS, AND I'M DONE FOR THE DAY.

WHICH WAY IS ABILENE?

[GUNSHOT]

THAT WAY.

O.K.

AND, UH, WHAT ABOUT DENVER?

[GUNSHOT]

OOH!

DEAD AHEAD.

[THUD]

[BEN] IT'S BEEN TWO HOURS, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

[PHIL] BEN, THERE'S A FORK IN THE ROAD.

THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT DECISION.

THE MAN'S GOT TO USE ALL HIS INSTINCTS,

GET THE LAY OF THE LAND,

THE ANGLE OF THE SUN,

THE POSITION OF THE MOON.

[SNORES]

WHICH WAY ARE WE--

[SNORE]

[SNORE]

UHH!

[WHINNY]

YEAH!

YEAH.

YEAH.

SO WHICH WAY DO WE GO, HUH?

THAT WAY.

YOU SURE?

I KNOW WHICH WAY WE'RE GOING.

WAGONS...

[YAWN]

HO!

YEAH!

HA!

[WHISTLING]

HA!

HA!

[PHIL] THAT'S ENOUGH, ALREADY.

[BEN] "I KNOW WHICH WAY WE'RE GOING."

IT WAS HIS FIRST MISTAKE.

IT WAS HIS FIRST DECISION.

HOPE THERE AREN'T ANY MORE FORKS

IN THE ROAD.

HOPE THERE AIN'T NO MORE FORKS IN THE ROAD.

THAT'S THE LAST TIME I LISTEN TO YOU.

TOLD YOU TO WAKE ME UP.

[WHINNY]

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MISS?

OH. YES, I'M FINE.

NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE CRYING.

IT'S THE FERGUSONS.

THEY'RE DRIVING ME MAD.

I'VE BEEN STAVING OFF THEIR ADVANCES

SINCE WE LEFT PROSPERITY.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY WITH THEM.

YOU COULD RIDE WITH ME.

THANK YOU.

I COULDN'T, THOUGH!

YOU DON'T OWE THEM ANYTHING.

YES, I DO.

MY FAMILY ACCEPTED MONEY FROM THEM

IN EXCHANGE FOR MY HAND.

HA HA HA!

WE'VE GOT A CONTRACT.

WELL, THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

OH, BOY! OH, MY GOSH!

WHOA!

WHOO WHOO WHOO!

WHAT IN THE HELL

ARE THEY DOING OVER THERE, ANYWAY?

OH!

WELL, THEY'RE LIGHTING THEIR FARTS AFIRE.

WHAT ELSE?

YOU GOT ONE, HARRY?

WHOOO!

EHH!

[SNORING AND SNORTING]

[FLY BUZZES]

HA HA!

HALT! WHO GOES THERE?

JUST WANTED A CUP OF COFFEE.

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE.

I'M THE NEW GUY.

[COYOTE HOWLS]

OH...

SURE! THE NEW GUY! HA HA HA!

AHH...

[BIRDS CAWING]

VULTURES!

SOMEONE'S GONNA DIE!

HONEY!

WHERE THE HELL'S THE RIVER, HARLOW?

WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

YOU'VE SAID THAT BEFORE.

MY WIFE'S DYING OF THIRST.

OH, NO. I'M FINE.

LOOK THERE.

TWO SISTERS.

WHAT?

TWO SISTERS. SWEETWATER'S ON THE OTHER SIDE.

WATER!

YES!

OH!

YEEHA!

YAA!

COME ON, EVERYBODY! COME ON!

OH, NO.

SWEETWATER, HUH?

WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?

THIS OUGHT TO BE GOOD.

YEAH.

RIVER MUST HAVE CHANGED COURSE.

I GUESS A LOT OF THINGS CHANGE IN 20 YEARS.

WE TRUSTED YOU.

I NEVER TRUSTED HIM.

WE SHOULD STRING HIM UP.

I GET HIS BOOTS!

GO FIND A TREE, JUNIOR.

I FOUND THE TREE LAST TIME.

THERE AIN'T TREES HERE.

I SAY WE BURY HIM ALIVE.

GO FIND A SHOVEL.

GIVE ME THAT.

DO SOMETHING.

RUN, HARLOW!

COME BACK HERE, NOW.

WHOA!

NO!

[SPLASH]

OH!

WATER!

LOOK AT THAT!

WATER!

HOW DEEP IS IT?

DEEP! THERE'S A SAND BAR OVER HERE.

YEEOW!

OH, DEAR.

LET'S GO! KEEP IT MOVING!

COME ON, NOW!

WAGONS HO!

HONEY, PLEASE KEEP TWO HANDS ON THE REINS.

STOP TELLING ME HOW TO DRIVE!

MOVE!

YEEAH!

THAT'S IT, BELLE!

[HORSE WHINNYING]

AAH!

HA HA HA!

COME ON! COME ON!

NOW, YOU SHUT UP!

I AIN'T ASKED YOU NO QUESTIONS.

OW!

YOU STOP!

WAIT FOR ME!

I'M GONNA GET YOU!

WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

[WHISTLING]

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

COME ON, NOW!

YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.

WHOA!

CRAZY?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CRAZY?

BECAUSE WE RISKED OUR LIVES CROSSING A RIVER

INSTEAD OF STAYING ON THE OTHER SIDE?

BECAUSE WE HAVE FAITH IN OURSELVES?

BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IN A WAGON MASTER

WHO GAVE US THE CONFIDENCE

TO DO THINGS WE NEVER THOUGHT WE COULD?

NO. BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE USE THE BRIDGE.

"IF RIVER CROSSING ANY INDICATION,

"SEE LITTLE REASON TO WORRY. STOP.

"PARTY SEEMS CERTAIN TO SELF-DESTRUCT.

"STOP.

"WILL PROCEED WITH PLAN, HOWEVER.

"STOP.

SLADE."

LITTLE REASON TO WORRY.

HA!

HA!

IT'S NOT HIS MONEY, IS IT?

I WANT THOSE DEFECTORS ELIMINATED.

IF MR. BAD-MAN SLADE CAN'T DO IT,

I'LL FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN!

YES, SIR.

I'M GOING DOWN TO WASHINGTON TO DO SOME LOBBYING.

I WANT THAT WAGONS EAST MOVEMENT

MONITORED VERY CLOSELY IN MY ABSENCE.

YES, SIR!

WELL, HOW DO I LOOK?

FAT, SIR.

RICH! RICH, SIR!

FAT--FAT WITH MONEY.

JEREMIAH'S ON MY SIDE!

YOU KIDS CUT IT OUT NOW!

JEREMIAH STARTED IT.

"JEREMIAH STARTED IT"!

STOP IT!

HEY! COME ONE!

WHY'D HE HAVE TO COME ALONG ANYWAY?

BECAUSE HE'S YOUR BROTHER.

ARE YOU SURE?

I'LL HAVE YOUR MOTHER

TURN THIS WAGON AROUND RIGHT NOW!

ARE WE THERE YET?

I AM WARNING YOU TWO.

DAD...

WHAT IS IT, PRUDENCE?

I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

WHY DIDN'T YOU GO AT DEAD HORSE BEND?

I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THEN.

CAN YOU HOLD IT TILL THE DEVIL'S SKILLET?

NO!

WHOA!

TURN AROUND!

WAGONS HO!

BUCKLE UP.

HYAH!

[TCK TCK TCK]

PA?

I THINK I SHOULD HAVE

GOTTEN OFF BACK THERE, TOO.

MM-HMM.

HA HA HA!

HEY, THANKS.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM, KID?

NO! NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

[DONKEY BRAYING]

THANKS.

[BELCH]

THE MAP CAN'T BE WRONG.

THIS AIN'T THE WAY TO ST. LOUIS.

HE KNOWS THE WAY, BEN.

THE RIVER WASN'T WHERE YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

PHIL.

WELL, HARLOW, YOU DON'T PUT MUCH STOCK IN MAPS,

BUT I THINK WE SHOULD TRUST THE UNITED STATES ARMY.

WHY?

MAYBE IT'S CONSIDERED MORE RELIABLE

THAN A STACK OF SKILLETS AND MUFFIN PANS.

HE GOT US ACROSS THE RIVER, DIDN'T HE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

THE RIVER--LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT DECISION.

WE SHOULD HAVE STRUNG YOU UP

BACK AT THE RIVER.

FINE! YOU PEOPLE DON'T LISTEN TO NOTHING ANYWAY!

YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE--

WHO?

WHO, JAMES?

NEVER MIND.

YEAH! NEVER MIND!

NEVER MIND YOURSELF.

NEVER MIND YOU.

NEVER MIND YOU!

NO! NEVER MIND YOU!

I DON'T CARE!

WAIT!

WHAT?

NOW I REMEMBER.

WHAT?

HARLOW. JAMES HARLOW.

WE KNOW HIS NAME.

HE DID SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY BAD,

LIKE ONE OF THOSE HORRIBLE ACTS AGAINST NATURE

THAT ARE JUST SEARED INTO YOUR BRAIN.

WHAT WAS IT?

I WISH I COULD REMEMBER!

ZEKE!

BUT I BET IT'S EATING AWAY AT HIM,

SAPPING HIS CONFIDENCE,

CLOUDING HIS JUDGMENT.

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA

IF WE TOOK A BREAK

FROM THE PRESSURES OF THE TRAIL,

IF WE SHARED OUR FEELINGS AS MEN

WITH OTHER MEN

IN THE HOPES THAT IF WE GOT THIS OLD BUSINESS

OFF OUR CHESTS,

IT MIGHT MAKE OUR JOURNEY EASIER.

PHIL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

JUST SHARE SOMETHING PERSONAL WITH THE GROUP.

YOU KNOW, SOME DEFINING MOMENT FROM YOUR PAST--

A JOYOUS MEMORY,

A BROKEN DREAM.

WHO'D LIKE TO GO FIRST?

HARLOW?

WHY DON'T YOU START FIRST, PHIL?

YEAH, IT'S YOUR MEETING, PHIL.

I GUESS I COULD START US OFF.

I BET A LOT OF YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW

THAT BACK IN ST. LOUIS,

I USED TO BE A SURGEON.

I USED TO WORK IN A FIELD HOSPITAL

DURING THE WAR.

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

BOY, WE'D WORK DAY AND NIGHT. WE'D NEVER SLEEP.

WE WOULD EAT WHILE WE OPERATED.

ONCE, THERE WAS THIS YOUNG SOLDIER I WAS TRYING TO SAVE.

HE TOOK A CANNONBALL IN THE STOMACH.

HA HA HA!

IT WAS A MESS. YOU CAN IMAGINE.

AFTER 18 HOURS OF SURGERY, I DID IT.

OF COURSE YOU DID!

I NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY LIFE...

UNTIL THE PATIENT DIED.

OH, PHIL.

I LEFT A BOLOGNA SANDWICH IN HIS LUNG.

HA HA HA!

THAT'S ENOUGH!

WELL, PUT A SHAKE IN MY HAND

AND MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO USE A SCALPEL.

I'VE GOT A BETTER STORY.

GO, CLAYTON!

WELL, GO RIGHT AHEAD, CLAYTON.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANY OF YOU FELLAS

REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE 13.

YOU KNOW--THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUR LIFE

WHEN THE GRASS IS GREENER, THE SKIES ARE BLUER.

YOU COULDN'T STOP PULLING THE WINGS OFF BUTTERFLIES.

JUST ABOUT EVERY TIME

YOU GOT WITHIN 100 FEET OF A FEMALE,

PUT A LITTLE PUP TENT IN YOUR BRITCHES.

ONE DAY, I'M DOING SOME CHORES

FOR OLD LADY CONNORS.

THAT OLD HAG.

THERE SHE IS, NAPPING ON HER BED WITH HER TEETH IN A GLASS

AND HER MOUTH KIND OF SLUNG OPEN.

I FIGURE, WHAT THE HECK. IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.

CLAYTON, FINISH THIS STORY THE NEXT TIME.

THIS IS THE BEST PART.

MARY'S HUSBAND DISAPPEARED

FOR TWO HOURS LAST NIGHT.

I SAW HER WAGON ROCKING THE OTHER NIGHT.

DO YOU THINK IT WAS SHE OR THE HUSBAND?

OH, PLEASE, THAT WOMAN--

LADIES, LISTEN...

AS LONG AS WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE ON THIS TRIP TOGETHER,

I THINK IT'S TIME WE GET SOME THINGS OUT IN THE OPEN.

NOW, I'VE HEARD THE GOSSIPING AND THE WHISPERING,

AND IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY,

WHY DON'T YOU SAY IT TO MY FACE?

WHAT'S IT LIKE?

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU MAKE?

HOW DO YOU STAY AWAKE?

YOU DON'T ACTUALLY BLOW, DO YOU?

BLOW WHAT?

CONSTANCE!

LADIES! LADIES!

OH, WELL, I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT.

UH, YEAH. YOU, HENRIETTA.

UH...MY HUSBAND TOLD ME

THAT THE LARGEST PENIS EVER RECORDED WAS 4 1/2 INCHES.

IS THAT TRUE?

SO, HARLOW,

YOU SURE THERE'S NOTHING YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE?

ABOUT WHAT?

PHIL, I GOT ONE!

ABOUT THESE DOGS THAT WERE STUCK--

HARRY BOB, TERRIFIC.

LOOK HERE, HARRY BOB.

WHEN I WAS 10 YEARS OLD,

I KILLED MY BEST FRIEND TOMMY HANLEY.

THE FOLKS THOUGHT HE DIED FALLING OUT A TREE.

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS,

I BEAT HIM WITH A CLUB THEN DRUG HIM IN THE WOODS.

HA HA HA!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I DONE IT.

HA HA HA!

THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

I FEEL BETTER ALREADY.

WE KNOWED IT WAS YOU.

NO, YOU DID NOT, NEITHER.

YEAH, WE DID.

NO, YOU DID NOT!

ACTUALLY, IT'S VERY SANTA FE,

WITH THE CONFLICTING EARTH TONES

AND THE PRIMITIVE MOTIF.

BUT THE WHOLE THING'S BUSY FOR ME.

HOW ABOUT YOU, ZEKE?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN, HARLOW?

IT'S SORT OF A SIGNPOST,

A MESSAGE TO US FROM THE SIOUX.

THE MESSAGE IS, UH, WHAT?

WELL, IT MEANS IF YOU CAN READ THIS MESSAGE,

YOU'VE COME TOO FAR.

[HARRY BOB] I CAN'T READ.

WHERE HAVE YOU LED US?

SHUT UP, BEN. REALLY!

HARLOW'S INSTINCTS WERE RIGHT.

FOLLOWING THAT STUPID MAP LED US HERE.

WHERE IS HERE?

INDIAN COUNTRY.

WHAT?

[CHILD] INDIAN COUNTRY!

OH, GREAT.

JUST WHAT WE NEED.

OH!

YOU GOT TO BELIEVE IN HIM.

QUIET DOWN.

QUIET DOWN!

I SAID QUIET--

[GUNSHOT]

THE MAN SAID QUIET DOWN!

WHAT THE HELL WAS YOU THINKING?

I'M SORRY.

ALL RIGHT.

IF WE'RE GOING TO SURVIVE IN INDIAN COUNTRY,

WE'RE GOING TO START THINKING LIKE INDIANS.

FIRST, WE'LL WALK BAREFOOT, JUST LIKE THE INDIANS.

I THOUGHT INDIANS WORE MOCCASINS.

WELL, BEN, WE DON'T HAVE ANY MOCCASINS.

EXCUSE ME, GENTS.

I ACTUALLY BROUGHT A PAIR FOR SUMMER WEAR.

I REALLY THINK

THEY'D JUST BE PERFECT.

JULIAN WILL WEAR MOCCASINS,

AND THE REST OF US WILL GO BAREFOOT.

[HARLOW] NEXT WE'LL WRAP ALL THE METAL RIGGINGS

ON OUR HORSES AND WAGONS--

ANYTHING THAT RATTLES IN CLOTH TO MUFFLE THE SOUND.

WE'LL TRAVEL BY NIGHT AND HIDE OUT BY DAY.

WE'LL MAKE CAMP IN AN ARROYO SO WE'RE HIDDEN FROM VIEW.

NO CAMPFIRES.

WE'LL SLEEP ON THE GROUND, JUST LIKE THE INDIANS.

[WHINNYING]

I'M UP.

I'M UP. I'M UP. I'M UP.

WHAT IS IT?

[HORSE WHINNYING]

AHH...

AHH...

UH-OH.

[INDIANS CHANTING]

UH...EXCUSE ME.

GOOD MORNING!

UH, YOU SPEAKUM ENGLISH?

YOU'VE GOTTEN US IN ENOUGH TROUBLE.

I'LL HANDLE THIS.

[LAUGHING]

YOU WANT TO SHAVE A BUFFALO BUTT

AND DANCE NAKED WITH A BEAVER?

YOU SPEAK ENGLISH. THAT'S GREAT.

WE WANT TO TRAVEL EAST

TO THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN.

SKIP THE EUPHEMISMS.

I KNOW WHICH WAY EAST IS.

WHAT DID I DO?

[CHANTING]

[INDIANS LAUGHING]

HA HA HA!

I'D LIKE YOU TO KEEP IT

AS A GIFT FROM ME TO YOU

FOR YOUR HELP.

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

WOW! A COLT .45!

[GUNSHOT]

[WHINNYING]

WHOA!

AAH!

DAMN!

OH!

OW!

AH-AH-AAH!

SON OF A BITCH!

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

WOO! WOO!

WOO! WOO! WOO!

WOO! WOO!

"I THOUGHT I'D TELL YOU.

"WE AIN'T GOT NO MORE FUEL.

WE RUN OUT OF COAL TWO HOURS AGO."

"YOU WHAT?"

"I WAS AFRAID OF WHAT YOU'D DO TO ME."

"WE'LL DEMOLISH THIS CHURCH AND BURN THE WOOD."

"NO, PLEASE. WHATEVER YOU DO,

DON'T HARM MY CHURCH."

"SHUT UP, PREACHER, OR I'LL SET YOUR HAT ON FIRE.

HA HA HA!"

UH, SIR.

I TOLD YOU NEVER TO DISTURB ME AT THIS HOUR!

I AM SO SORRY.

WE'VE BEEN GETTING SOME REPORTS

THAT SOME OF THE HOMESTEADERS

ARE HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS

ABOUT THE LAND RUSH.

APPARENTLY THE WORD ABOUT THE WAGON TRAIN IS SPREADING.

WHAT ABOUT THAT WAGON TRAIN, SIR?

SLADE HAS NOT BEEN VERY EFFECTIVE.

FORTUNATELY, I HAVE A BACKUP PLAN.

AH!

AND THEY SHOULD BE JUST ABOUT THERE.

SO WHAT BROUGHT YOU OUT WEST, JULIAN?

OH, THE MEN.

I JUST HEARD IT WAS CHOCK-FULL OF THEM.

THE MEN? OH, YEAH. I GET IT.

I GUESS MEN READ MORE BOOKS THAN WOMEN, RIGHT?

HERE YOU GO, MILLIE, DARLIN'.

AH, THAT'S GREAT. THANKS.

HELL. LOOK AT YOU, JULIAN.

WHAT DID YOU SEE, A MERMAID?

COLD WATER USUALLY DOES THE OPPOSITE TO ME.

[HOOFBEATS APPROACHING]

HARLOW, YOU'VE BEEN SO GOOD TO ME.

JUST DOING MY JOB, MA'AM.

LISTEN...

I WAS THINKING.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO COME TO MY WAGON TONIGHT,

AND WE CAN TALK...

OR SOMETHING.

MA'AM, I...

I'D...

DID I SAY SOMETHING WRONG?

NO. NO, MA'AM. YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING WRONG.

IT'S JUST THAT-- WELL, YOU SEE--

FACT IS, I DON'T GET PAID TILL ST. LOUIS.

AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO,

I JUST CAN'T RIGHT NOW.

BUT I WILL WHEN I CAN

WHEN I HAVE WHAT I DON'T HAVE NOW.

WHAT?

WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN--

AS IF I'D CONSIDER IT,

YOU--YOU... YOU GIMPY OLD DRUNK!

MA'AM?

OH!

OH!

HMPH!

HYAH!

♪ BUFFALO GALS, WON'T YOU COME OUT TONIGHT ♪

♪ COME OUT TONIGHT, COME OUT TONIGHT ♪

♪ BUFFALO GALS, WON'T YOU COME OUT TONIGHT... ♪

MOUNT UP!

[IMITATING GUNFIRE]

WAGONS HO!

NO, WAIT. I'M HARLOW.

YOU WERE HARLOW LAST TIME.

HEY, YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

WHATEVER WE ARE TO THE WORLD,

WE'RE HEROES TO THEM.

YOU CAN BE PHIL.

NO WAY!

I'D RATHER BE HARRY BOB THAN PHIL.

WANT TO BE HARRY BOB THEN?

O.K.

LET'S GO! COME ON!

BELLE.

HARLOW.

I'D JUST LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE OTHER DAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY--

OH, NO. NO. NO.

HARLOW, IT'S ME THAT SHOULD APOLOGIZE.

I HAD NO CAUSE TO GET RIGHTEOUS.

IT'S WHAT I'VE DONE FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS.

WE'VE ALL DONE THINGS WE'RE NOT PROUD OF.

AT LEAST I KNOW I HAVE.

I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT, UH...

NO, NO, NO.

HARLOW, IT'S O.K.

MA'AM, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY IT

BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT, MA'AM.

I'D LIKE TO SAY

THAT I DON'T THINK OF YOU...

AS JUST A WHORE.

OH, HARLOW. THAT'S SO SWEET.

THANK YOU, MA'AM.

GOOD EVENING TO YOU.

AHH...

[MEN AND WOMEN MOANING]

OH! OH!

CONSTANCE? PHIL?

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHERE I KNOWED HIM FROM!

I WANT TO HEAR. HI, CONSTANCE.

HI. OHH...

THIS BETTER BE GOOD.

I MET HIM BACK IN '46.

HE WAS WAGON MASTER

FOR A PARTY GOING TO CALIFORNIA.

WHAT PARTY?

DAMN IF I CAN REMEMBER.

ZEKE, YOU'RE KILLING ME.

I KEEP THINKING OF REINDEER.

REINDEER?

YOU MEAN, LIKE DANCER AND PRANCER?

NOPE. NAME SOME MORE.

UH... DONNER AND BLITZEN.

THAT'S IT! THE BLITZEN PARTY.

THE DONNER PARTY?THE DONNER PARTY?

OH, YEAH. THAT'S IT.

THE WORST WAGON TRAIN DISASTER IN HISTORY,

WHERE THOSE PEOPLE FROZE TO DEATH IN THE SIERRAS?

AND THOSE THAT SURVIVED...

LET'S JUST SAY

THEY HAD THEIR FRIENDS FOR DINNER.

I HIRED THE WAGON MASTER

FROM THE DONNER PARTY.

HUH!

IF HE SURVIVED,

DO YOU SUPPOSE HE ATE--

ZEKE!

HE SAID HE DIDN'T EAT MEAT.

LOOK. THOSE WERE VERY EXTREME CONDITIONS.

WHO KNOWS HOW ANY ONE OF US WOULD HAVE SURVIVED

ALL THAT SNOW, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

LET'S KEEP THIS AMONGST OURSELVES.

THERE'S NO SENSE IN ALARMING THE OTHERS.

I'M ALARMED.

THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

UNLESS IT SNOWS.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, ZEKE.

IT'S JUNE!

SHH!

UH! OHH!

OHH!

OH, MY.

LOOKS LIKE CHRISTMAS

CAME A LITTLE EARLY THIS YEAR, PHIL.

JESUS! MUST BE A...

MUST BE A FREAK STORM, HUH?

HEY.

HEY, ZEKE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

STOP IT! IT'S CRAZY!

I CAN'T... I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

I CAN'T BELIEVE--

UH! UH!

IT'S-- IT'S SNOWING!

WE'RE MAROONED!

BEN, YOU'RE OVERREACTING.

[BEN] HEY, WHERE'S HE GOING?

HOW DO I KNOW?

MAYBE TO SHOOT SOME GAME.

OH, MY GOD!

THERE'S NO REASON TO GET CRAZY.

HARLOW'S OUR FRIEND.

THEY WERE ALL FRIENDS AT DONNER PASS.

OH, MY GO--

UH! GET A DOCTOR!

I AMA DOCTOR.

[OWL HOOTING]

MMM.

[BELL RINGING]

COME AND GET IT!

COME AND GET IT! FOOD!

FOOD!FOOD!

GET OUT OF MY WAY!

THE MEAT WILL BE READY IN ONE MINUTE.

WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

HARLOW!

[LINDSEY] OH, HOW NICE.

ME AND MY BROTHER

GOT DIBS ON THE RUMP.

WHERE IS HE?

[JULIAN] I HAVEN'T SEEN CLAYTON TODAY, ACTUALLY.

[JEREMIAH] I'M SO HUNGRY!

OH, MY GO--

DON'T EAT THAT!

HMM?HMM?

I'M SORRY, CLAYTON.

[CLAYTON] YOU'RE SORRY?

WHOEVER STOLE MY MILLIE'S GOING TO BE REALLY SORRY.

OH, MILLIE. SUPER.

HA!

[LINDSEY] THIS IS A VERY GOOD FEAST.

HEY, GIVE ME SOME.

HERE WE GO, ZEKEY.

THANKS.

GIT!

GIT!

HEH HEH HEH!

[MAN] BRING IT UP NOW!

HEH HEH HEH!

EH...

EH...

WHAT?

[MUMBLES]

UGH!

HEH HEH HEH!

EEK!

UH! UH!

HMM!

AAH!

AAH!

AAH!

OOH! UH!

OH!

OH!

AAH!

OOH! AH!

OH!

GIT UP! HYAH!

[WHISTLING]

GIT UP!

[HARLOW] WHOA!

WHOA!WHOA!

WHOA! WHOA!

MISTER...

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU BEEN BLOWED FROM A CANNON

AND LANDED ON A BARREL CACTUS.

THE NAME'S SLADE.

JOHN SLADE.

HARLOW.

JAMES HARLOW.

SLADE.

THAT NAME SOUNDS REAL FAMILIAR.

LET'S NOT START THAT AGAIN, ZEKE, HUH?

[WOMAN] OH!

OW!

[MUTTERING]

HEY!

9, 10, 11, 12.

AHA.

HMM!

HEY.

HMM!

OH!

BASTARD!

COULD BE.

DON'T KNOW IF MY MA AND PA WERE MARRIED.

KILLED MY PA BEFORE I COULD ASK.

MR. SLADE.

UH...

HI.

PHIL TAYLOR.

UH...

[COUGHS]

PIONEER.

LISTEN. BOY...

HOW DID WE COME TO THIS, HUH?

YOU'RE COUNTING YOUR BULLETS,

AND WE'RE, UH, SAYING OUR PRAYERS.

THIS HAPPENED SO FAST, YOU KNOW?

WHEW! I MEAN, WHAT IF YOU, UH...

YOU TOOK A MOMENT FOR YOURSELF,

YOU KNOW, LIKE A TIME-OUT, IF YOU WILL?

THINK ABOUT MAYBE SAYING,

"HEY, I DON'T WANT TO PLUG THESE GUYS

IN THE HEAD."

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

HA HA!

I LIKE YOU, PHIL.

I LIKE YOU, TOO, SLADE.

TELL YOU WHAT...

I'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU FIRST

AND SAVE YOU ALL THAT, UH...

PAINFUL ANTICIPATING.

[JEREMIAH] PA!

O.K., STUD.

EASE THE HAMMER BACK NICE AND SLOW

AND GIVE ME THE WEAPON.

JULIAN.

NAME'S SLADE.

OH, SUPER.

SPELL IT OUT FOR ME

SO I CAN GET IT RIGHT ON YOUR TOMBSTONE.

OH!OH!

YOUR MOVE, SISSY BOY.

OH, PLEASE.

THAT'S SO DODGE CITY.

YOU'RE GONNA DIE SLOW...

REAL SLOW.

ALL RIGHT.

[GUNSHOT]

WHAT WAS THAT?

THE WARNING SHOT.

WARNING SHOT.

YOU THINK A WARNING SHOT'S GOING TO SCARE ME?

IT'S LODGED ABOUT 6 INCHES IN YOUR TUMMY.

HMM?

WOW!

YOU'RE GOOD.

I KNOW.

I HEAR THAT ALL THE TIME.

LISTEN, PUMPKIN,

YOU'VE GOT TO GET YOURSELF SOME MEDICAL ATTENTION.

GUNSHOTS HAVE A TENDENCY TO FESTER.

AND I'M REALLY SORRY WE HAD TO MEET THIS WAY.

EH...

SON OF A GUN!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

YEAH!

YAH!

YAH!

SLICE, SLICE, SLICE...

AND LIFT.

YAH! YAH!

WHOA!

HO, THERE!

HUP!

SHIT!

EVERYBODY IS GOING ON

ABOUT THIS WAGONS EAST MOVEMENT.

THERE'S RUMORS OF CROP FAILURE AND CHOLERA,

RUSTLERS AND INDIANS.

THEY'RE TEETERING ON THE EDGE.

I'LL TALK TO THEM.

THEY JUST WON'T LISTEN.

NOW WITH SLADE DEAD AND YOUR BACKUP--

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR BACKUP PLAN?

WHO THE HELL KNOWS?

THEY'RE PROBABLY DEAD DRUNK IN SOME COW TOWN.

I'M CALLING IN THE CAVALRY.

GREAT, GREAT!

WHO WOULD THAT BE, SIR?

A GROUP OF MEN ON HORSEBACK

WHO WEAR BLUE UNIFORMS AND YELLOW SCARVES

AND SABERS AND GUNS.

DON'T YOU KNOW WHO THE UNITED STATES CAVALRY IS?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE USING A FIGURE OF SPEECH,

WHICH, OF COURSE, YOU'RE NOT.

YAH! YAH!

HEY, IT'S BIG SNAKE!

OH.

BIG SNAKE, WHAT'D YOU SEE?

OVER HERE.

WELL?

BAD NEWS. BIG TROUBLE.

LET'S KEEP THAT TO OURSELVES.

SO WHAT'S NEWS?

CAVALRY'S COMING.

THEY COME TO STOP YOU.

COME TO STOP US?

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

MY HUNCH IS THIS--

THAT LAND RUSH COMING UP ON THE 4th OF JULY...

THEY DON'T WANT US SPOILING THEIR FIREWORKS.

BUT WE'RE SO CLOSE TO...ST. LOUIS.

WE SHOULDN'T CHANCE IT.

[TALKING SIMULTANEOUSLY]

ALL RIGHT. LISTEN.

LISTEN.

I SAY WE MOVE ON.

WHO'S WAGON MASTER HERE?

WE CAN OVERRULE YOU.

I'VE GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.

LIKE WHEN YOU LED THE DONNER PARTY?

[JULIAN] THE DONNER PARTY?

HELLO.

[BILLY] I DON'T GET IT.

HARLOW WAS THE WAGON MASTER

FOR THE DONNER PARTY...

BEFORE HE BECAME A VEGETARIAN.

WEREN'T YOU, HARLOW?

AM I RIGHT, PHIL?

[PHIL] THANKS, BEN.

IT'S A LITTLE UNFAIR.

YOU CAN'T CONDEMN A MAN BASED ON ZEKE'S MEMORY.

WHAT MEMORY?

TELL THEM IT AIN'T SO, HARLOW.

[WOMAN] YEAH, TELL HIM.

TELL HIM.

OHH...

OHH...

HARLOW!

HARLOW, WHAT'S WRONG?

WHERE YOU GOING?

HARLOW!

IT WAS SO STUPID.

YOU SCARED EVERYBODY.

THAT IS ENOUGH! SHH!

THE CAVALRY.

IT'S THE CAVALRY.

OH...

[CAVALRYMAN] I GO FIRST.

THESE ARE LIEUTENANT BARS, MISTER.

[MAN] WHAT DO THEY WANT?

WHAT DID WE DO?

HI, LIEUTENANT.

YEAH. HELLO.

AS OF 0800 THIS MORNING,

THIS ASSEMBLY HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY CLASSIFIED

AS A FEDERAL INSUR--

RECTION.

I HAVE ORDERS FROM GENERAL WILLIAM H. LARCHMONT

TO INSTRUCT YOU TO EITHER TURN BACK

OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.

WHAT EXACTLY ARE THE CONSEQUENCES?

YOUR STANDARD U.S. CAVALRY MASSACRE.

HE CAN EXPLAIN.

YOU HAVE 24 HOURS TO DECIDE.

FROM RIGHT NOW?

UH, YEAH.

WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE?

WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE?

2:25.

WELL, THEN, 2:25 IT IS.

UH, HAVE A NICE DAY.

NICE SEEING YOU AGAIN.

LET'S MOVE OUT!

OH, GREAT.

NOBODY'S LISTENING.

[WOMAN] WE'LL GET KILLED.

DAMN. I SHOULD HAVE SAID 2:30.

OH, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

AT LEAST THEY GAVE US 24.

[GUNSHOT]

OW!

OOH!

IT'S MY BROTHER. HE'S BEEN SHOT.

MY LEG!

MY POOR LITTLE BROTHER.

[JULIAN] OH, GOD!

[PHIL] WHAT HAPPENED, CLAYTON?

HE WAS BITING OFF A CHAW OF TOBACCO WHEN...

YEAH?

I SHOT HIM.

EXCUSE ME?

IT WAS MY TOBACCO.

THAT'S A GOOD REASON.

ANYBODY HERE KNOW HOW TO REMOVE A BULLET?

PHIL?

I CAN'T PICK UP A SCALPEL.

HOW BAD IS IT?

ONLY A FLESH WOUND.

OH.

AREN'T YOU GOING TO HELP MR. FERGUSON, DADDY?

COME ON. MOVE HIM.

EASY.

BRING HIM OVER INTO MY WAGON.

WE'LL NEED HOT WATER AND PLENTY OF TOWELS.

[CLAYTON] I WAS JUST DROPPING--

[CRACK]

[HARRY BOB] YOU SHOT ME!

AAH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DOC?

[PHIL] SCALPEL.

[JULIAN] SCALPEL. MM-HMM.

HERE YOU ARE.

AAH!

AAH!

SCISSORS.

[SNIP SNIP]

SCISSORS.

AAH!

WOO!

[MAN] WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

[MUSIC AND LAUGHING]

I DID IT.

I GOT IN THERE,

AND I FORGOT ABOUT ALL MY FEARS.

THE KNIFE BECAME AN EXTENSION OF MY HAND.

THE BLOOD, THE TISSUE--

NONE OF IT BOTHERED ME.

DR. TAYLOR, I'M PROUD OF YOU.

OH.

OH...

UH, SO MY BROTHER,

HE CAN WALK AGAIN?

OH, UH...

ABOUT THAT, CLAY, YOU KNOW,

THESE FLESH WOUNDS CAN BE PRETTY TRICKY.

THERE ARE COMPLICATIONS AND--

YOU HAD TO AMPUTATE?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THE LEG IS, UH, FINE.

A LITTLE STIFF.

NOW, THAT'S TO BE EXPECTED.

WELL, YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, CLAY...

UH...

THE LEG IS NOT THE ONLY PART THAT'S STIFF.

ACTUALLY, HIS WHOLE BODY IS KIND OF, UH...

WELL, HE'S, UH... HE'S, UH...

HE'S DEAD.

BUT HE, UH, HE WANTED YOU TO HAVE THIS, HUH?

OH! MY TOBACCO!

THANKS, DOC.

UH...

OH...

HARLOW!

HARLOW!

HARLOW!

HARLOW...

UH!

SORRY, SIR. YOU WERE DELIRIOUS.

YOU WANT TO SLAP ME BACK?

YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO.

LIEUTENANT.

YES, SIR.

I WAS DREAMING.

YES, YOU WERE.

DID I SAY ANYTHING?

WELL, YOU, UH, MENTIONED HARLOW.

HARLOW!

YOU TWO HAVE SOME SORT OF HISTORY TOGETHER?

NO! YES, YES, YES.

YES, WE DO.

IT WAS ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO

WHEN HARLOW LED THE DONNER PARTY,

AND I, RIGHTFULLY SO, APPROPRIATED MANY OF HIS HORSES

AND MOST OF HIS SUPPLIES FOR MY RAID ON THE MEXICANS.

WHILE HIS PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT RESCUE FAILED, OF COURSE,

I RODE ON TO GLORY AND BECAME A COLONEL.

THEY OTHERS FROZE AND ATE EACH OTHER.

OH, GEE!

LUCK OF THE DRAW, LIEUTENANT.

JUST THE LUCK OF THE DRAW.

OOH!

BUT THIS IS JUST THE KIND OF THING

THAT THE PRESS BLOWS WAY OUT OF PROPORTION,

ESPECIALLY IN LIGHT OF A PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.

IT'S-- IT'S OFFICIAL, SIR?

YES, LIEUTENANT.

IT'S OFFICIAL.

DAMN THAT HARLOW.

THOUGHT HE DRANK HIMSELF INTO OBLIVION YEARS AGO.

BUT NO MATTER. I'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM TOMORROW.

THE SECRET DIES WITH HIM.

NO ONE ELSE KNOWS.

EXCEPT FOR ME.

WHO TOLD YOU?

YOU DID, SIR.

VERY OBSERVANT, LIEUTENANT.

VERY OBSERVANT.

BUT NOW I THINK YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES--

USE YOUR HEAD AND ACCEPT

A PLUM POSITION IN MY CABINET

OR SEARCH FOR YOUR BRAINS

BY THE LIGHT OF A CANDLE.

GOOD NIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT.

GOOD NIGHT, MR. SECRETARY.

ARE THE MEN IN BED?

WELL, THEY WERE, SIR. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT NOW.

GOOD. ALL RIGHT, LIEUTENANT.

TUCK YOU IN, HUH?

YES, SIR.

I THINK A BEDTIME STORY WOULD BE IN ORDER.

ALL RIGHT, SIR. JUST ONE.

IT'S VERY LATE, SIR.

DO YOU WANT TO HEAR INDIAN JOE MEETS THE TALKING ROCK?

WELL, THE COLONEL'S FAVORITE

IS THE LONE PONY ON THE HIGH PLAINS.

HIT ME.

DANG. THIS BOY CAN DRINK.

I NEED A FEW MORE CUSTOMERS LIKE HIM.

SAY, DUSTY, YOU HEAR ABOUT

THAT WAGON TRAIN HEADING THIS WAY?

YEAH. A BUNCH OF WHORES, DEGENERATES, AND MURDERERS.

THERE'S TALK ABOUT THEM MASSACRING SETTLERS

ALONG THE TRAIL--

PILLAGING AND RAPING LIKE IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS.

THEY'RE LETTING INDIANS SLEEP WITH THEIR WOMEN.

WELL, THEY'RE GOING TO GET THEIRS.

THERE'S A RUMOR THAT THE SEVENTH CAVALRY'S GOING TO WIPE THEM OUT.

THEY'RE SENDING IN THEIR CRACKERJACK GENERAL LARCHMONT

TO MAKE SURE THE JOB'S DONE.

LET'S HAVE ONE FOR THE SEVENTH CAVALRY!

TO THE GOOD GENERAL!

HOW AM I DOING?

WELL, THEY'RE STILL BEHIND YOU.

YOU KNOW THE LAST TIME I WAS ON A HORSE?

AT THE CARROUSEL IN ST. LOUIS.

AND I WAS THROWN.

THE CAVALRY.

OH, MY GOD.

WHOA!

CIRCLE THE WAGONS!

GIT!

PHIL, I GOT AN IDEA!

KEEP THOSE WAGONS AROUND!

HYAH!

PHIL, YOU KNOW HOW WHITE GUYS

ALWAYS CIRCLE IN THEIR WAGONS?

MAKES IT EASIER FOR THE CAVALRY TO GO AROUND.

WHY DON'T YOU SQUARE THE WAGONS?

THE CAVALRY WOULD HAVE TO GO IN WIDE CIRCLES.

SQUARE THE WAGONS!

SQUARE THE WAGONS!

SQUARE THE WAGONS, WHITIES!

SQUARE THE WAGONS? I DON'T GET IT!

BILLY!

BILLY!

MISS LINDSEY, GET BACK.

I GOT IT!

SO THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE IN HERE?

HOW DO THEY WALK IN THESE THINGS?

BIG SNAKE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S FILTHY.

I'M HIDING BEHIND IT.

GET OVER THERE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING WITH THAT?

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT! EVERYBODY STAY DOWN!

[PHIL] STAY DOWN!

WAIT FOR MY COMMAND TO FIRE!

AND REMEMBER...

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

NO ONE BUT NO ONE CAN TAKE AWAY WHAT THIS TRIP HAS MEANT TO US.

I DID IT, HONEY.

I GOT IN THERE AND FORGOT MY FEARS.

DR. TAYLOR, I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU.

I DIDN'T PROPERLY INTRODUCE MYSELF.

THE NAME'S HARLOW.

I'LL BE YOUR WAGON MASTER.

JULIAN, WOULD YOU MIND SCRUBBING MY BACK?

SINCE THAT BRONC THREW ME, I CAN'T REACH IT.

ALL RIGHT, LIEUTENANT!

LET'S SOUND THE ATTACK! I WANT MY BIG HORN.

SIR, ARE YOU SURE WE REALLY NEED THE BIG HORN?

OF COURSE, YOU IDIOT!

IT INSTILLS FEAR IN THE ENEMY AND SAPS THEIR STRENGTH

AND TURNS THEIR BOWELS TO JELLY.

WHERE'S MY BIG HORN?

SOUZA!

YES, SIR!

SOUND THE CHARGE.

[PLAYING CAVALRY CHARGE]

LET'S KILL SOME PEOPLE!

TO GLORY!

CHARGE!

CHARGE!

DAMN IT.

HONEY, IS THAT MANUAL UNDER THE SEAT?

GO GET THEM, DAD.

THEY'VE SQUARED THE WAGONS!

THEY'VE WHAT?

THEY'RE NOT SHOOTING, LIEUTENANT.

WHY AREN'T THEY SHOOTING?

SIR, THESE PEOPLE AREN'T RENEGADES.

THEY'RE JUST SETTLERS.

FOOL.

THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK.

HO!

HO!

THEY'RE WOMEN AND CHILDREN.

THEY'RE SETTLERS. I AIN'T SHOOTING.

IS THAT MR. HARLOW?

WHERE?

IT'S HARLOW!

IT'S HARLOW!

HARLOW.

HARLOW.

LET'S GO.

HYAH! COME ON!

HYAH!

ALL RIGHT!

HOPE I'M NOT TOO LATE

TO JOIN YOUR LITTLE PARTY.

LET'S FORGET ABOUT THE SETTLERS AND SHOOT HIM.

EASY, BOYS.

YOU MAY GET ME,

BUT I'M GOING TO TAKE

YOUR FEARLESS LEADER WITH ME.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO, SIR?

DO? UH...

UH...

TAYLOR! SMITH!

HAVE YOUR MEN FORM A HUMAN SHIELD AROUND ME.

GENERAL, SIR, I'M CALLING YOU OUT.

I'VE HANDLED TOUGHER MEN THAN YOU, HARLOW.

LIEUTENANT, SHOOT HIM.

I'D LIKE TO, SIR,

BUT I'M AFRAID MY HANDS ARE TIED.

HE'S CALLED YOU OUT IN FRONT OF THE MEN.

IT'S A, YOU KNOW, WESTERN THING.

A WESTERN THING, YOU SAY?

GENERAL, SIR, I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR DISMOUNT.

THANK YOU.

YOU PACK A PRETTY FAIR PUNCH THERE, HARLOW.

KNOCK ONE FOR ME!

GO, HARLOW!

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! YOU HEARD ME!

[BEN] FIX HIS WAGON, HARLOW.

AAH!

GOOD JAB.

BACK DOWN ON THE GROUND.

KEEP YOUR HANDS UP.

HOW LONG DO THESE THINGS USUALLY LAST?

HOW WOULD I KNOW?

I'M GETTING KIND OF HUNGRY.

CAN I GO PLAY?

SURE, SWEETHEART.

[BELLE] YOU'RE LOSING HIM, HARLOW!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

GOOD. STAY DOWN.

[HUMMING]

WHOOPS.

AAH!

WOULD YOU LIKE A VANILLA WAFER?

HERE YOU GO.

I GOT IT!

YES!

[GRUNTING]

HARDER!

PUSH HARD!

[BABY CRYING]

HUH?

[WHISPERING]

O.K.

GET UP!

YAY!

OVER HERE.

O.K., HONEY!

LET'S GO HAVE SOME PIE!

HARLOW!

YEAH!

JAMES ALOYSIUS HARLOW!

I KNEW YOU'D DO IT, BUDDY!

YOU HAVE A SEAT, YOU BIG HERO.

TODAY, WE OPEN THE BOUNTIES OF OUR GLORIOUS LAND

TO THE COMMON MAN!

SO LOOK TO THE WEST,

FOR THEREIN LIES YOUR FUTURE!

WHA--?

WHERE THE HUMBLE WAGON...

WHAT IS IT?

LOOKS LIKE A WAGON TRAIN.

BUT THEY'RE HEADING EAST.

THEY'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!

THAT LOOK GOOD?

MY HAIR LOOK WHITE TO YOU, SON?

COME SEE ME WHEN YOU'VE GOT SOME MINK.

IF I GET MY HANDS ON THAT KID THAT SCALPED ME...

LOOK AT THIS, DAD!

JEREMIAH, PUT THAT AWAY!

SHOWED INITIATIVE.

HE'LL MAKE A FINE OFFICER ONE DAY.

I'M PROUD TO BE SCALPED BY A BOY LIKE THAT.

LISTEN TO ME!

PAY NO HEED TO THOSE FOOLS!

THEY'RE DUNDERHEADS! THEY'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!

YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO ME!

LAND FOR THE TAKING!

YOUR TIME IS NOW!

LAND RUSHERS, GET READY!

NOT NOW!

ABOUT TIME. AH, WELL.

SMEDLY!

[GUNSHOT]

AAH!

OH, YEAH!

HA HA HA!

SHOULD WE TELL THEM?

NAH. THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN ANYWAY.

BUT WHO KNOWS?

MAYBE IT'LL WORK OUT FOR THEM.

HA HA HA!

WAGONS EAST!

HARLOW.

EVENING, GENTLEMEN.

EVENING.

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU BOTH

FOR, UH, WELL, FOR BELIEVING IN ME.

WE NEVER DOUBTED YOU FOR A SECOND, HARLOW.

NOT ONCE?

HONESTLY?

YEAH.

OH, THE RIVER CROSSING.

YEAH.

AND THE FORK IN THE ROAD.

OH, YEAH.

THE INDIAN CAMP.

UH-HUH.

AND THAT WHOLE THING--

I GOT TO GET GOING.

COME ON. PLEASE.

WITHOUT YOU, WE WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE.

WHEN I RIDE INTO ST. LOUIS TOMORROW,

I'LL BE THINKING OF JAMES H. HARLOW-- WAGON MASTER SUPREME.

WE'LL MISS RIDING WITH YOU, HARLOW.

I APPRECIATE THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WOULDN'T MIND SEEING YOU AGAIN.

I'D LOOK FORWARD TO THAT,

ESPECIALLY SINCE I HAVEN'T BEEN PAID YET.

WE HAVEN'T--

LET'S WAIT UNTIL ST. LOUIS.

HE COULD STILL GET LOST.

DON'T YOU WISH THAT, UH...

THAT THIS WOULD NEVER END.

YEAH.

MMM...

BUT, I GUESS IT'S--

YEAH. I GUESS.

IT'S OVER. YEAH.

UNLESS...

YEAH?

NAH.

UNLESS?

NO. I'D BE WRONG.

NO, HARLOW.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING,

AND IT DEFINITELY WOULDN'T BE WRONG.

REALLY?

YOU MEAN...

YES!

THAT WE COULD GO BACK AND START ALL OVER AGAIN?

NO. DEFINITELY WRONG.

OR...

OR?

WE CAN HOOK UP AND GO NORTH TO CANADA.

I HEAR IT'S WARM THERE ALL YEAR ROUND.

OH, HARLOW!

OH, HARLOW!

LOOK. A SHOOTING STAR.

QUICK. CLOSE YOUR EYES AND MAKE A WISH.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU WISH FOR?

IF I TELL YOU, IT WON'T COME TRUE.

AAH!

QUICK!

WHAT WAS THAT?

WOW!

IT'S CLAYTON FERGUSON.

OH, MY GOD!

TALK ABOUT YOUR BAD LUCK.

[PHIL] WHAT DO YOU FIGURE THE CHANCES OF THAT ARE?

WHERE ARE YOU HEADED, JULIAN?

I'VE BEEN TALKING TO SOME PEOPLE.

THEY THINK I MAY HAVE GIVEN UP ON THE WEST TOO SOON.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE OUT THERE FOR YOU?

SAN FRANCISCO.

[WHISTLES]

COME ON!

SO LONG, MY FRIENDS!

BYE-BYE!

REMEMBER...

IF YOU'RE EVER IN MY COUNTRY AGAIN,

I'LL HAVE TO KILL YOU.

HA HA HA!

I'M SERIOUS.

[LAUGHTER STOPS]

WAGONS HO!