Original subtitles

Hey, Larry. Who's your buddy? Whose your pal?

You'd like a bite of this.

Wouldn't ya?

Wouldn't ya?

Where did you get that?

From your dreams.

Looks good, doesn't it?

It's a six-footer.

What would this take you?

Three bites?

Hey, Larry, in between the lines.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, uh, before we go to lunch

we want to show you our new promotional campaign

for Buzz Beer.

Is it better than the steering wheel bottle opener?

Oh, much better.

You know all the big companies sponsor family-type events

like, uh, sporting events and county fairs.

Well, we've come up with a way of, uh

helping parents spend some fun time with their kids

while bringing them all into the Buzz Beer family.

We call it Buzz Beer Children's Theater.

That's right, every week at your local library

you get a visit from...

'...Little Oswald.'

(Lewis) 'And Little Lewis.'

♪ Te-dee te-de te-de-tede te ♪

♪ Te-dee te-de te-de-tede te hey ♪

This week's episode is entitled

My Dad's Stronger Than Your Dad.

(Oswald) 'Hey, Little Lewis, I bet'

'my dad's stronger than your dad.'

(Lewis) 'Oh, yeah, Little Oswald?'

'Well, I bet my dad's stronger than your dad.'

(Oswald) 'Hey, who do you think you're screwing with?'

[indistinct yelling]

- 'Whoa!' - 'Whoa!'

- 'What are we fightin' about?' - 'Huh?'

(Oswald) 'The one thing both our dads have in common'

'is that they both drink Buzz Beer.'

- 'And lots of it.' - 'Mm-hmm. The end.'

- 'Thank you.' - 'Thank you so much.'

[indistinct chattering]

Was this a two case idea or a three case idea?

I got an idiot talking for me. What's your excuse?

- Oh! - Come on.

♪ Te-dee te-de te-de-tede te ♪

Hey, pig.

Hey, Mimi. Finally figured out what pig means.

- Pretty important guy. - Yeah, that right.

That's why I had it put on all your business cards.

What?

"Drew Carey, Pig. The other white meat."

[phone ringing]

Wait, Mimi, to show you

I'm above all this, I'm gonna let you know

that something happens when you pick up the phone.

Oh, hey, Kate, Kate, could you get that for me?

- I'm kinda busy. - Sure.

Kate, don't.

Hello. Yeah, she's here.

Hold on a second.

Quit yanking me, dip wad.

Hello, yeah.

Okay, alright, thanks. Bye-bye.

[gasps]

Oh, I'm sorry. Forgot.

It happens when you hang up the phone.

Good one, pig.

I probably shouldn't even tell you

that they just called to say you have a message

on the pneumatic tube.

How many times I've to tell you, Mimi

there's two kind of people in this world.

The quick and the...

[whooshing]

Stupid!

[laughs]

Damn it, Mimi. This is a brand new suit.

Hey, I can't help it if it got sucked

into your gravitational pull.

How you gonna top that one, pig?

[explosion]

What are you smilin' about?

Just picturin' you topless.

Pig!

♪ Moon over Parma bring my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're going bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't loose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

(Kate) I think this whole Win A Date With Kate thing is crazy.

I mean since when did I become a ham for you guys to give away?

Since we couldn't afford the ham.

And besides, you agreed to do this.

- When? - Last night.

You said "Hey, if that's what it takes to sell beer

then give me away as a date."

- I never said that. - Yes, you did.

You even called and left a message on my machine

which I happen to have right here.

- Perhaps you'd like to hear it. - Yes, I would.

[Kate on tape recorder] 'Hi, Drew, I would like you'

'to give me away for a date in Buzz Beer..'

[Oswald on tape recorder] 'Contest.'

'How was that?'

Gee, I guess I can't argue with that.

It's all there in words I've used over the past five years.

Come on, we'll chaperone you

and look, we're sellin' more Buzz Beer than we have all year.

Yeah, you know it's, uh, it's kinda romantic.

Like Cinderella.

But instead of a glass slipper

our Prince Charming will find your name under a beer cap.

- Oh! - I won, I won. Look!

Hey, looks like a winner.

Bernard. I remember you from high school.

I beat you up once.

Twice, but all is forgiven.

Hey, this cap's a fake.

Anyone can see you scan this

on a triple pass 24-bit scanner.

You should have used a single pass 36-bit snap scanner

print it up on a photo-realistic color laser printer.

Geeks.

(Mr. Wick) You're the one that slammed into me

you idiot, you're goin' to pay.

Why did you stop in the middle of the street?

Well, I certainly thought how can I get

my spare tire shoved up my bum.

Change for the phone, please, Bob.

Keep in a bottle of your cheapest beer.

Make that two.

Oh, my God. They ordered Buzz Beers.

That guy with Mr. Wick is so cute.

Oh, please, oh, please. Let him win.

Hey, there's something on my bottle cap.

Yes!

Oh, it's just a hair.

Who's this Kate? And why do I have to date her?

Alright, that's it. I am not goin' out with our boss.

Wait a minute, you can't back out

of something we promised you'd do behind your back.

Hold on, listen, listen, look. I-I'll have talk with Mr. Wick.

You know, you're an employee. It'd be uncomfortable.

You know, he may seem obnoxious and rude

but deep down, he's really a reasonable person.

[screaming] Operator. Operator!

I got cut-off.

[grunts]

[yelling] You may want to have this checked.

It wouldn't give me my quarter back.

Hey, Mr. Wick, I need to talk to you

about that date you won with Kate.

What are you doin'?

Just adding a little energy boost

to the water supply.

"Aqua Java. Caffeinated Water."

Yeah, I noticed the employees get a little sleepy after lunch.

I thought this would help them through that mid-day lull.

And, uh, to ensure they're good and thirsty...

...a large bowl of salty pretzels.

But we make our coffee with that water.

Oh, my God. That's why I jogged home last night.

Hey, Drew. Hey, Mr. Wick.

How is it goin'? Great coffee, huh?

Listen, I've been assigned a report you asked for.

I also included a couple of footnotes, a couple

of book reports. and a review of a movie

I saw last night, copy machine was broke

so I wrote out a few copies by hand.

Here's a copy for you, here's a copy for you

and, hey, have a copy.

Well, off to inventory, I know we're not supposed to do it

for another couple of weeks, but hey, what the heck! See ya.

In about an hour, that's gonna be one sleepy, sweaty man.

Uh, you know, Mr. Wick, if you don't wanna go out with Kate

I can have a talk with her and let her down easy, you know.

You tryin' to take away my prize?

I smell fraud.

No, sir, here's all the information

on the limo service, and two tickets to see "Grease"

at The Cleveland Play House.

Although it is a bit of a dilemma. Kate's an employee.

It's against the rules for me to go out with her.

On the other hand, Tonya Harding as Rizzo

in "Grease" is hard to pass up.

Well, then, uh, don't think of it as a date.

Just think of it as free dinner and a show.

You know, I'm sure Kate will be great company.

She's a good person. She's funny--

Yes, yes, I'm sure I can listen to her jabber

for a few hours and pretend to laugh every 12 minutes.

Hey, I can have her wear a watch on her head if it will help.

[both laughing]

- That's very funny, Carey. - Thanks, sir, I--

No, no, I'm just practicing.

Drew, please tell me you changed his mind.

Uh, I know you think I can reason with Mr. Wick

but have you noticed my cubicle, my paycheck

the angry woman who sits behind me?

Alright, I guess I can get through one night.

I've had bad dates before, I'll just grit my teeth

and drag myself through hell one more time.

That's the spirit.

Hold on.

Oh, Drew, the wending machine fell over on the fourth floor.

There's Snickers as far as the eye can see.

Oh, well, I better...

...go and make sure...

...everyone's alright.

Hey, Sandra Dee.

Rumor has it, you're taking Mr. Wick to see "Grease."

Just keep your mitts off, he's mine.

Mimi, calm down. It's just dinner and a show.

I just don't want you undoing my work.

I almost got him where I want him.

Yesterday he said, "How do you want your coffee?

The usual?"

The usual. He knows me.

Knows you? He's stalking you.

All I'm sayin' is I've got three things in my hair

that I could kill you with.

So they learned to dodge the brush, did they?

Fine, just remember.

You come back and there's been any funny business...

...I'm gonna crush you just like this tomato.

Hey, it's one thing to yell fire in a crowded theater

but next time you say there's free Snickers

you better mean it, baby.

(Oswald) 'Lewis and I have come up with another great promotion idea.'

You know all the famous dance crazes, the lambada

the twist, the "Achy Breaky Heart."

Wait a second. Let me fast forward about two minutes.

Lewis, Oswald, that's the stupidest idea

I've ever heard in my life.

- Okay, go ahead. - Alright.

You really gonna like this one.

We've come up with a dance craze

of our own, a Buzz Beer dance

The Buzzy.

Hey, you ready?

♪ Boy good are you za ♪

♪ Buzz Beer I said-aa ♪

♪ Buzz Beer that's right-aa ♪

♪ Buzz Beer ♪ ♪ Do the Buzzy ♪

[buzzing]

That is brilliant!

We show that to people, if they don't drink more beer

we threaten to show it to him again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

- 'Hey.' - Hey, guys.

(Oswald) 'Hey, Kate, you back from your date.'

- Um-hmm. - That wasn't so bad.

You survived a night with that

pasty-faced tea sucker.

[chuckles] Tea sucker.

Parked the car, honey.

- Missed you. - Me too, Wicky.

Oh, my God.

Kate and Mr. Wick...

...like each other, that...

That can't be... bad, can it?

No, let me see, you...

...probably have to spend a lot more time with your boss.

And if things don't work out, odds are, they'll blame you.

Let me fast forward about two minutes.

Nope, still screwed.

Let me try two hours.

Hey, I'm drunk off my ass.

Nothing seems so bad.

Look at this, huh?

Saturday night, I got my boss

in the backyard, playing pool.

Now, if I could only get my heart doctor in the refrigerator

my mom in my secret magazine door, life would be perfect.

Drew, I thought we welcomed each others dates

into the group, no matter what.

Remember, when you were dating that atheist.

"I don't believe in this." "I don't believe in that."

'"Your God doesn't exist."'

We never said she couldn't hang out with us.

Yes, and you handled it quite maturely

when you got her in a headlock and started yelling

"Say God, say God."

Alright, Mr. Wick.

One more ball, and you're snookered again.

I hate losing. I hate it.

(Drew) 'Good luck, buddy.'

What did you do that for?

Beat my boss! What are you, nuts?

Oh, look. I win, I win.

Oh, that's it, he's beaten us at snooker

cricket and duckpins, I'm going in.

Yeah, it's time to play our kind of a game.

Good old American Chinese checkers.

Carey, now that we're alone

there's a couple of things I'd like to know about Kate

but I'm not quite sure how to ask her.

So I thought you being her best friend and all, I could ask you.

Oh, sir, I don't know if I'm really comfortable--

Now, what's Kate's favorite cologne?

Oh, uh, those kind of questions, oh!

That's easy, it's, uh, Obsession.

Obsession.

Now, speaking of obsessions

sometimes, I'm naughty...

...and I like to be disciplined.

You think Kate would go for that?

Carey, cat got your tongue?

No, sir, actually, I'm just hoping

for a heart attack.

What about nude pictures?

No, no, there's no way.

Uh, Kate would never pose for nude pictures.

Oh, oh, not of her. Of me, you know.

Me as a, as a nude cowboy perhaps, you know.

Or, or me playing naked bocce ball, ah.

You know, I-I must have had too many kippers for lunch

'cause, all of a sudden, I don't feel so good, and...

In fact, I...

I feel much better now. Thanks.

Drew, I'm going crazy.

Nigel made this special photo album for me

but he won't let me look at it until tonight.

But he didn't say you couldn't look at it.

No, but I say, I can't look at it.

Oh, hi, cupcake.

Oh, sorry. You don't like it when I call you cupcake.

I've been a naughty boy.

We'll talk later.

Carey, I thought I asked you for some insurance reports.

Oh, but, sir, you didn't give me

those final figures until this morning.

If I don't have these reports in my desk in one hour

one of us won't be hanging around your house this weekend.

Nigel, don't you think you're being a little hard on Drew?

It's none of your concern, cupcake.

Ooh, I said it again.

[chuckles] You'll have to punish me twice.

I'm sorry, honey, but Drew's my best friend.

I'm sorry, honey, but you're out of line.

- What? - You're also an employee.

So, why don't you go downstairs

and sell your pretty, little lipsticks?

Oh, is that what you think of me?

Now, it comes out, doesn't it?

Well, you know, Drew was right.

You really are a pompous, bullying

petty excuse for a man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You misheard me. You misheard me.

I-I believe I said, "Confident, intelligent

highly forgiving boss."

Come on, Drew, you've been wanting to tell him off

for a long time, here's your chance.

Kate, that was my retirement speech.

I don't believe you.

Here I am, defending you

and you're not gonna even back me up.

Some friend you are.

And you, I don't want you to ever call me again.

More bad news, Carey.

You've ruined my relationship with Kate

and you embarrassed me in front of the entire store.

You're fired.

[crying] ♪ 'Cause I got high hopes ♪

♪ I got high hopes ♪

♪ I got high apple pie in the sky hopes ♪

[shouting] Everybody!

♪ Every time you're feelin' low ♪

♪ Here's the way to go ♪

♪ Just remember that ant ♪

♪ Oops there goes ten years of my life ♪

Oh, and Carey, one more thing.

Gotcha.

[laughing]

You mean, you weren't really fighting?

No, it was all a prank.

We weren't even dating.

I rigged the bottle cap so Mr. Wick would win

and I could teach you not to give away people as prizes.

And I did it just to watch you sweat.

Was that bad of me?

Should I be punished?

I'm sorry I had to do this

but I still love you. Best friends, right?

[chuckles] Yeah, well. You know, you got me, alright.

So, all that stuff about the report due in one hour

I'm fired is just a joke, right?

No, no. One hour, or you're fired.

Just checkin'.

Thank you so much for being such a good sport, Mr. Wick.

No problem, actually, it was rather nice

getting to know you better.

Yeah, it was really nice. I had a lot of fun.

- What's the word? - "Grease" is the word.

[both laughing]

- I love you. - Hmm?

Nothing.

Alright, I love you.

Oh, well. Thank you, sir.

Okay, back to work.

O'Brien, wait.

You're welcome.

Hey, uh, O'Brien.

So, I hear this, this thing between you and Mr. Wick

was a joke, is that true?

Yeah, it was a joke

and it just keeps on getting funnier.

Oh, well, then, I'm sorry to hear about your car.

What did you just say?

I'm just saying, you know, that if someone scratched...

...slut...

...on the doors, trunk and hood...

...that it would be a shame.

In fact, I'm gonna find out who did it.

Wow, what a great place to spend the lunch hour.

- At a toy store. - Yeah.

Hey, hey, see if you can hit

these bubbles with that paddle ball.

Okay.

Here, I'll show you how to hit the bubbles.

Drew, I have a really big problem.

Mr. Wick's in love with me.

Does this woman ever stop?

She's nutty, I'll tell you. She's nutty.

Drew, I'm serious. He told me.

Hello, Drew.

I dreamt about you last night.

Thank you, sir.

Tell me, Drew, do you, do you think you can get me

these insurance reports?

I'd really, really like you to do that.

If-if you do that, I'd be so happy.

And who knows, maybe you'd be happy too.

Well, did you hear that?

Well, you weren't kiddin'.

Man, he really wants those reports.

Jeez, I don't wanna hurt him.

How do I tell him I'm not interested?

Let's see, what were some of my favorite ways to get dumped?

Oh, once a woman wrote a "Dear John" letter

on the bottom of a pie pan.

You know, it doesn't hurt so much when you're full.

Kate, could I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, uh, Kate, you want us to...

...leave, so just you're comfortable

or should we stay, so we're all uncomfortable?

No, I'd like you to stay. You're her friends.

You should hear this.

Kate, I'd really appreciate an answer

at the end of this poem I've written you.

'"I'm no Byron, I'm no Keats'

"but when you're near

it's like I have eaten 100 sweets."

- Mr. Wick, please. - There's only a little more.

"I'm a skinny, little boy in this body of a man.

"But come on, give your love to me.

"Love me, love me

love me if you can."

Uh, I'm sorry, Nigel.

I just don't feel the same way.

I'm sorry.

Oh!

Uh, wait, Mr. Wick, let me read the last verse for ya.

Gotcha.

[laughing]

Sorry, I couldn't hold it any longer.

[laughing]

Alright, so you got me back for getting you back.

Ha ha, the jokes on Kate.

Nice one, Drew.

But I'll get the both of you next time, I swear.

And we'll help.

And I'll get you the time after that.

And we'll help.

Thanks, Carey.

I guess my heart led me into a bit of a situation there.

Same thing happened to me once, sir.

I, I know how you're feeling. I mean, once in 7th grade--

Yeah, I'm, I'm over it, Carey.

Your rebound is here, sir.

Oh, man. My toast is stuck.

What do I do?

Uh, no.

Don't stick a knife in a toaster.

Ah, this will do the trick.

Hey, you're still doing the Buzzy.

Help.

That's great, you added a new move.