Original subtitles

[indistinct arguing]

Come now, Bradbury. Retirement's a good thing.

I'm not going.

Hold on. Wait a second. What's going on?

Nobody told me Mr. Bradbury was retiring.

I'm not.

You were meant to retire at...60.

We gave you 20 years to clean out your desk.

But Mr. Bradbury's on the board of directors.

He's the best employee representative we ever had.

I can fight my own wars, you big sack of meat.

Maybe it's time to go.

Of course it is.

He's been on the board for over 40 years.

ThenI'll be good for another 40.

I've got a new heart. And a new hip.

And there's a baboon at the zoo with my blood type.

Mr. Bradbury, you've had the best job in the store.

It's time for you to go out and enjoy your... golden years.

You just want this job for yourself.

You all want this job.

Well, back away you jackals.

Or the kid gets it.

Uh, Mr. Bradbury, you don't wanna do this.

You wanna leave here with your head held high.

Hey, look. It's the oldest trick in the book.

Where? I don't see it.

Maybe you'll see it better down in Florida.

Bye-bye.

What's going on?

Well, just say that I am sitting on a big secret here, buddy.

Yeah? And it's hangin' over your chair.

- So what's the big secret? - Well...

Ah, since you two won't have a chance of gettin' it

I guess I can tell you.

Old man Bradbury finally stepped down

as the employee rep of the board of directors.

Oh, my God. The rumor's true.

The cushiest job in the store is finally up for grabs.

Retreats in Hawaii, company car...

And what's it pay like? 50,000 a year?

- Hm-mmm. - 'Wow..'

That's a lot of dough just for sittin' on your ass.

It's the American dream.

Ass dough.

I'm signin' up. Who do I talk to?

Well, Mr. Wick or one of the other board of directors.

They're the ones who vote on it.

But forget it, 'cause they're looking for someone

with management experience. So, the job's mine.

Oh, yeah?

Well, old man Bradbury

was a janitor when he got the job.

So it could go to any of us.

But between sparkles, dumpy and me, I gotta go with me.

Yeah, forget it. The job's mine.

My face has got board of directors

written all over it.

You have the Bible under there for all I know.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

I would like to apply for the opening

on the board of directors.

Bradbury.

Gotta go.

[theme music]

♪ Up every mornin' just to keep a job ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way through the hustling mob ♪

♪ Sounds of the city poundin' in my brain ♪

♪ While another day goes down the drain ♪

♪ But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows ♪

♪ No one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a 5 o'clock me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that the world looks fine yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Holiday ♪

♪ Ee-e-e yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[instrumental music]

[mumbling indistinctly]

Come on, buddy. You gotta pick a book.

We're here for you, man, but in another five minutes

if you don't pick a book, we're gonna be

at the Indians game before you.

You know, besides, all these business books are the same.

Hey, I got a book for you.

"Kiss Butt For 15 Years In A Drug Lab

"Then Accidentally Unleash A Teeny-Tiny Strain Of Bacteria

"Suddenly It's Goodbye, Lab Coat. Hello, Mop."

I can't find the right book.

These books are all about... networking

and corporate strategy...

...swimming with the sharks, running with the bulls.

I can't swim. I don't wanna run.

I just want a book that'll let the board see me as one of them.

Hey, Kate, can you get me another cinnamon roll

while you're over there?

Sure, Drew. But this is the last one.

You've got to pick a book.

Hey... when did book stores start serving pastry and coffee?

You know, if they clear a couple of these shelves

put in a couch and a TV, I'd be at this book store everyday.

Hey, Drew, if you can't pick one

why don't you just buy a bunch of them?

- Yeah... - It's too expensive.

There. Look at this one.

Thirty-two bucks.

Hm. You know, they should have a place

like a video store, where you...

...where you take a book for a couple of days

and then when you're done with it, you bring it back.

Yeah, they could call it a library.

Drew. Look. Over here.

There's a section called "Business Humor."

This is what you're looking for.

Huh?

"Water Cooler Wit

"Small Talk For The Stall

Knock Knock, Who's There? Success."

[laughing]

I think I should keep looking.

- Excuse me. Sorry. - Hey, what's up?

Oh, um, how to gain the professional edge.

But... you can't eat it. You wouldn't be interested.

Well, then, maybe you can help me.

I'm looking for a book called "Why Is That Man Kicking Me?"

It's by your butt.

How to gain the professional edge.

"Achieve the personal, professional image you want."

Hey, this is it. This is what I'm looking for.

Oh, thank God, we can go.

I don't know. It's only a paperback and...

Are you looking for a sign?

Oh, well, this is kinda hard to put down. I mean it's...

Shucks, really hard to put down.

Hey, sticky fingers

uh, you just got cinnamon roll all over that book.

You just bought it.

Mm and the Lord spoke through the food.

And the food said, "You shall buy the book

"and lead them into the Indians game

where they shall drinketh beer. Hey-ooh."

[instrumental music]

Drew, it's casual day.

Where's your muscle shirt and torn shorts?

Not that I'm complaining.

You're lookin' at the new Drew, Kate.

This is the Drew with a professional edge.

Then why did you unbutton one button on your shirt?

I didn't unbutton it. It flew off after breakfast.

It's kind of sad really.

It was the last of the originals.

Anyway, I love casual day.

I get to wear comfortable clothes

and the customers seem to get a kick outta it.

What is it? Food on my face? Eye boogers, nose hair?

- What? - Nothing, Kate.

I'm just using eye contact to exude confidence

and show an interest in what others are saying.

This book is great.

I'm bored by you as usual, but look.

I appear interested.

Eye contact, huh?

Hello, Larry. How are you today?

I'm married, O'Brian. Cool your jets.

Wearin' a suit on casual day, huh?

Just when you thought the stick couldn't

get shoved any higher.

Casual day doesn't mean careless day, Mimi.

What are you, a landing strip?

Land on this.

You know, that suit is why you're all wrong

to represent the employees.

You're not one of us.

The employees of the store and I are cut from the came cloth.

Really? How much of it did they get?

- Carey. - Hey, Mr. Wick.

Get a load of Drew.

What kind of jackass wears a suit on casual day?

[laughs]

Let me guess, he's wearing a suit?

Did he see me?

[squeaking] Don't be mad. It's alright.

Oh, when you do it so cute like that.

How can I punish you? Like this.

I want you here all day, Saturday

finishing these reports.

Thank you, sir. I hope this won't change your vote for me.

Actually, it has. I'm now voting an emphatic no.

No, wait. I have to sign these reports.

Do either of you two have a pen?

Oh, here's a quandary, hmm?

Mimi's leaky Troll Doll pen

or Carey's classic Mont Blanc?

A perspective member of the board

should use nothing less, sir.

Thank you, Carey.

I'll bear that in mind when I make my vote.

By the way, good move with the suit.

At least someone looks like they came to work today.

It's all about image, sir.

I-M-A-G-E.

Impression, Movement, Attitude, Grooming and Etiquette, sir.

Very good, Carey.

- Uh, sir, the pen? - Oh, what was I thinking?

Thank you.

Oh, wait. Is that the phone?

I'll get it.

Hello. Yes, yes. Yes.

Well, she's right here.

'Yes.'

Yes. Yeah. Sure, I'll tell her. Sure.

You lose.

You're not gonna beat me that easy.

I'm gonna figure out what you're doing.

Suits on casual day. Fancy pens.

Words that spell other stuff when you break 'em down.

Where are you gettin' all these great ideas?

[squeaking] I don't know.

- Tell me. - Ha-ha, I'm over here now.

Oh, wait. Do I hear the phone?

Oh, yes. It's for you.

[man grunting]

Oh. I'm so sorry, Mr. Wick.

S-sorry. O-so sorry.

R-R, really, really sorry.

Y, why won't you wake up?

I'm telling you, Drew's professional edge book

absolutely does not work.

Are you kidding?

Drew's impressing board members left and right.

And this time, it's not by eating wieners

while they chant, "Go, go, go, go."

I'm telling you, that eye contact thing

did not work for me. I can tell you that.

It may impress a boss, but it just freaks out a lab monkey.

No.

- Here you go, guys. - Hey, thanks, Mike.

Hey. I made the cut.

I'm one of the finalists for the board of directors job.

- Hey. Alright. - Congratulations.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I've only read half of you, already you changed my life.

I never thought I'd say this about a book, but... I want you.

Somewhere, a swimsuit issue is crying.

So what are you gonna do next to get this board job?

Well, tomorrow is the big day.

We're having a formal lunch interview

in the executive dining room.

Which should be a breeze once I read

the chapter on professional dining etiquette.

Ah, that's where your six-meal-a-day training

gives you the edge.

- So your shoo-in, right? - Well, it's not over yet.

I still gotta beat out Larry, Sally and complete department

and... Mimi.

Mimi's a finalist?

How the hell could she get any board member to vote for her?

This may be the medication talking, Mimi.

But I'd like for you to meet my parents.

No, Jerry.

I'm a very freaky girl. The kind you don't take home to mother.

Oh my God. She's out with Gerald Boardroom-to-bedroom Thompson.

I can't even believe she'd stoop that low.

So what? She gets one vote.

He gets one last vision of Mimi before he dies.

I just wanna thank you again for helping me to become a finalist.

May I be so bold as to say I...

I hope your teeth end up on my night stand.

Well, that sounds exciting.

But you must know that now that we're dating, uh

I can't help you any longer.

You can't get me the job?

It's over. It's not you. It's me. Bye, bye.

Move over, pig. I need a drink.

Uh, what your date would have said to you tomorrow morning.

[whistles]

Hey, I turned him down.

I can't help it if I'm the kinda woman that he wants.

Hey. Anyone got a dented rusty old Buick?

Just got hit by a street sweeper out front.

Oh my God. What-what color is it?

Primer.

Say you... mind moving your book?

It's not my book.

But you're standing right here. It's gotta be your book.

Well, you're standing right there, so you gotta be a moron.

Wait a minute.

This is Drew's book.

Oh, this is where he's getting all these great ideas.

Um, would you mind if I used your backdoor?

Actually, I prefer it.

[instrumental music]

- Give it. - No.

- Give it to me. - No.

Finders keepers. Buy another one.

I can't. It's sold out.

Oh, this is so beautiful.

I'm gonna cream you.

No, you're not. Give it to me.

Oh, no. What's the matter?

Didn't you read the chapter on professional dining etiquette?

Of course, I did. I memorized that whole book.

Well, which seat at the table is the power seat?

- That one. - No.

It's the one holding you up.

[laughing]

The power seat at the table

is the one facing the door, dipwad.

[laughing]

Oh, relax, Drew.

They're not gonna do a urine test before lunch.

Then why did you pee in that cup?

Hey, how you doing?

(male narrator) Number one, The Proper Handshake.

Grasp firmly, pump twice, let go.

Kinda like the old two-pump handshake, huh, Mr. Wick?

Ha, I read that far.

Yeah, when the food comes

you're gonna be like a bear at the dump.

Please sit down and relax everyone.

We don't stand on formality here.

Well, that's good. 'Cause I hate formality.

Oh...

A shrimp fork in the olive dish.

Are we barbarians?

You're fired.

Now let's have a lovely meal.

Sorry, I'm late.

Number two, be on time.

My grand muffin this morning really

cleared out the old inventory.

But now, I'm ready to re-stock the shelves.

Psst. The pressure's got to him.

He's off the wagon.

It's down to you and me.

Great to see you, Mrs. L.

Us domers have to stick together.

You know what I mean, pappy. Yeah, alright. There you go.

Please forgive me if I eat lightly.

I have a bleeding ulcer

which has been causing me a few problems.

Number three, speak positively

and be enthusiastic.

Hey, what a great way to lose weight.

You know they say a bleeding ulcer is the rich man's disease.

Boy, I wish I had a bleeding ulcer.

Really? My father always said...

"Wishing was a sign of passivity and fear."

You're right sir. I'm gonna get a bleeding ulcer.

So, Mimi, tell us why you feel you're qualified

to be the new employee member of the board?

Oh, well. Thank you for asking, Mrs. Louder?

Now let me tell you why I'm qualified.

Number four, avoid interrupting others.

I've had my butt kicked around this store for 15 years.

You owe me.

Number five. Think before you speak.

There. Top that.

Number six. Speak well of colleagues.

Well, actually, Mrs. Louder, Larry's right.

He does work hard and deserves better from the store.

But what he deserves most is better representation

on the board and that in my humble opinion, would be me.

Well spoken, Mimi.

I'm surprised we haven't had a chance to chat more often.

Yeah. It sucks, don't it?

Uh, wouldn't you know it Carey

they have forgotten my fish-knife.

Hand me yours, would you?

Oh, the f-f-fish-knife, fish-knife.

Of course. There. Why don't you take it yourself?

And reach across the table?

This is the executive dining room, man.

Oh. Uh, okay then.

Here, take all my knives.

Oh, this is hardly executive behavior.

Hand me only...

...the fish-knife.

Oh, you want the fish-knife.

Coming right up, uh...

Oh, oh.

- Which one's the fish-knife? - Uh...

Oh, what a lovely scarf, Mrs. Louder.

Oh, why thank you.

It was a gift from my eldest nephew.

Yeah, fascinating. I'm gonna go powder my nose.

Anybody got a magazine?

Number seven, do not announce

where you're going.

Ah, what the heck? I'll take the wine list.

Hey, I just thought of a reason why I should be in the board.

People... like me.

I consider myself, above all, a people person.

Oops. Sorry.

Sorry nothing. You did that on purpose.

Yeah, so what?

Number three, speak positively

and be enthusiastic.

Oh.

[clanking]

Hey. He's a really good shover.

And you're gonna take that from him?

That's not muscle, you know.

Carey, why don't you finish him off

with a fish-knife? Ha-ha.

[instrumental music]

I-I know the guys and I helped you

work on this trick all weekend.

But now we're thinking that maybe

the David Copperfield Special isn't the best place to look

to solve career problems.

I mean, we were really drunk.

No. Look, I really need this.

You know, I finally figured out

why Bradbury stayed on the board so long.

They are not looking for somebody

with a professional edge.

They want somebody who's just too fun

to hang out with.

Until it wasn't his armpits making those

sounds anymore, he was really fun.

(Mrs. Louder) 'So that's it.'

Oh. Did-did you make a decision, sir?

An announcement will be made later, this afternoon, Mimi.

Uh, excuse me, if I may interrupt?

I would like to show you a side of Drew Carey

that you've never seen before.

But first, I need a volunteer.

You sir, would you step forward please?

Now, Mrs. Louder. You always say there's no money in the budget.

But have you checked behind Thompson's ear?

Oh, ho, ho.

And they always say that the board is against change.

[coins clinking]

[all applauding]

Why don't you do some real magic?

Escape this humiliation. Ha, ha.

That's enough, Mimi.

Go on. That was fun.

Now, if you'd be so kind to lie on the desk and relax.

This won't take very long.

Hmm, I knew that line was gonna come back and haunt me someday.

You owe me big for this, Carey.

Relax. Magic really turns Mimi on.

Oh.

Lovely assistant.

Hey. Hands off, Thompson.

Uh, let me just say, ladies and gentlemen that

if selected, I promise to... raise.

(Mrs. Louder) 'Oh..'

- Raise. - 'Oh.'

- Ah-ah. - Raise.

[all cheering]

The Spirit of the board...

And make all of their troubles...

...disappear.

[applauding]

Oh, ah.

I hope you'll consider this as you make your selection.

Oh, that was wonderful.

I've never been so entertained.

I believe, based on our earlier discussions

and this presentation, we can announce the winner now.

Congratulations, Carey.

I never thought you'd make it to second choice.

The new employee representative is...

Oh, there he is...

...Larry Almada.

- Sorry, I'm late. - 'What?'

What kinda crap is this?

Congratulations, Larry.

See you in the board room in 20 minutes.

How the hell did you pull this off?

Yeah, what did you do? Sleep with the old broad.

Yes. Yes, I did.

Oh my God.

That's right. I slept with her.

Everyone else talked about it but I did it.

I got the job and I don't care.

Well, the only good thing about this is that

you didn't get the job.

Hey, it's only your constant failure

that's keeping me standing.

Wait a second.

The book says we're supposed to lose gracefully

and I'm sorry I lost.

Look, these are for you.

Really?

Oops, they must have seen you.

Wow. She's incredible Drew.

Look at all the places she's worked.

Well, you know, sometimes people cheat a little on their resumes.

I'm sure it's not all exactly true.

Good afternoon, sir.

I am Tiffany.

I am here to apply for the opening in cosmetics. Ha-ha.

- Bradbury. - Oh.

You know, uh, if you'd have shaved off

that mustache, you might've had a chance.

Screw you.