All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S02E20 - Two Drews and the Queen of Poland Walk into a Bar [EXTENDED] (720p WEB-DL x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Up every mornin' ♪

♪ Just to keep a job ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way ♪

♪ Through the hustling mob ♪

♪ Sounds of the city ♪

♪ Poundin' in my brain ♪

♪ While another day
goes down the drain ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows ♪

♪ No one owns
a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a 5 o'clock
me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that the world
looks fine yeah ♪

♪ Holiday ♪

♪ Hey ♪

Okay, it's a half hour to tip
off. Now, here's the rules.

Every time they make a
two-pointer, we take a drink.

When they make a three-pointer,
we chug-a-lug.

Free throw, take a sip.

And if they dribble,
sippity, sippity, sippity

sippity, sippity, sippity,
sippity, sippity...

Hey, we gotta get
going to the game.

You guys are going to the game?

I thought we were
watchin' it on TV.

Well, we were going
to surprise you

when you saw it on TV
but what the heck!

You're-you're lookin'
at the new corporate sponsors

of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Oswald, puttin' a Buzz Beer
sticker on your ass

and streaking the game does not
make you a corporate sponsor.

Hey, that was
a golf tournament.

It was hot and it was
an isolated incident.

Liberating but isolated.

Besides, we've come up
with a much better idea

for free publicity. We're gonna
slap Buzz Beer stickers

on the Cavs players as they run
onto the court, huh.

Hey! Good job, buddy!

What a job out there tonight.

You were dynamite out there.

Once again walking
that fine line

between advertising
and felonious assault, huh?

And there is more.

I'm a reporter in the locker
room after the game.

Thanks for the interview.

Then a quick peek in the showers

to see who's the most valuable
player and I'm off.

Hey, you can come
with us if you want.

No, I think it's best
to keep somebody

on the outside with bail.

Okay.

[door closes]

Ah! Earl, you're out!

Hey, buddy, can I come in?
The game's almost on.

Oh, yeah, sure. So you can
pull a gun on me again?

On second thought, don't move.

I want you right there
when I call the cops.

But first, I'm gonna lock
the backdoor. Hey, Earl!

Relax, Drew,
I was released.

And since making amends
is part of my rehabilitation

I just wanted to stop by
and say I'm sorry.

Boy, is my face red about that
whole attempted murder thing.

[laughing]
What was I thinking?

Yeah, you really
goofed up there, beav.

Hey, listen,
uh, you hungry?

I got some pizza
in the other room, huh.

Oh, great!
But no olives.

Anti-depressants and olives
kinda make me little gassy.

[beeps]
Yeah, hi.

There's a maniac
here who tried to kill me.

My name is Drew Carey.

Who are you
talkin' to, Drew?

Oh! No one just
doing my phone curls. Nine.

And ten! Whoo! Ah!

Hey, look, you know, I know
you were callin' the cops

and I understand
but I did my time, you know...

...I've really changed,
I'm feeling better. Look.

Here's my release form.

"We feel
confident that this inmate

can be reintroduced as
a useful member of society."

Hey, you got an A
in racket ball.

Hey, also here's my EKG.
Look at this.

Um, look. Uh, crazy, crazy,
crazy, crazy.

[hoots]
Sane, right there.

Wow! It's all there
in black and white, huh?

Oh, man, look, I'm... sorry,
I doubted you, man.

I'm glad you got
the help you need.

Hey, listen,
why don't you have a seat

game's about to start.
Want some, uh...

...somethin' to
drink to go with that pizza?

- Yeah, great.
- Okay.

Ice tea, okay?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Yeah, Drew Carey.
I just called you.

Listen, there's a maniac...

Earl, get off the phone.

This time I'm hurt...

...but I'm not mad. I...

[inhales and exhales]

There. Anger gone.

That's just a little technique
I learned in prison therapy

to help me manage my rage.

Uh, I-I mean, my, uh,
my unhappy thoughts.

Well, I gotta go.
I got a roast in the oven.

Hey, do you guys
have a neighborhood watch?

You're damn right, we do. So don't
try sneaking around my house.

No, no, no. Actually I was
hoping to be block commander.

Yeah, I-I'm renting
a place next door.

Howdy, neighbor.

[exhales]

[instrumental music]

So, the upshot is, I can't come
within 50 feet of a Cavs player.

It's a slap
on the wrist really.

- So, what about Earl?
- He's always watchin' me.

The cop said until
he does something illegal

there's nothing I can do but
when he starts killing me...

...ooh, baby, do I got him.

[laughs]
Well, you better
be careful, Drew.

His bathroom window is directly
across from your bedroom window.

- You can see everything.
- How do you know that?

Well, remember
that cute, Italian guy

who rented
the place before Earl?

I happen to be glancing out
the window one day

and he was butt naked, eventually.

You mean, Earl can see
right into my bedroom?

- 'Mm-hmm.'
- Oh, man.

Last night I was watching

"Grease 2" in my underwear.

That'll teach the bastard.

Sorry to hear
about your aunt, Mimi.

She was an embarrassment
to the Bobeck name.

I'm hearing a eulogy
with a heckler.

I still can't believe she
was the Duchess of Kraków.

Duchess of Kraków! There's
no royal family in Poland.

Not anymore, you big dupah.

When the Russkies toppled the
monarchy, the Bobecks were

forced out of Poland and fled
to what is now known as Ohio.

See this?

This ring signifies
my new title.

It was passed on
from generation to generation.

Except aunty was little stubborn
so I told the hearse driver

I was going in
for a last kiss goodbye.

Package for the
Duchess of Kraków!

Is anybody here the
Duchess of Kraków?

Hey!

You're lookin'
at her, Spudnik.

No.

Yup. It's true.
I got blue blood.

I can see it in your eyes.

Gimme that!

"To the Duchess of Kraków
from Stanislav Puschinsky."

He's the heir to
the throne of Poland.

Wait a minute. The King
of Poland lives in Akron?

Yeah. Polish royalty
lives all over the world.

[gasps]
Oh my god!

Homemade kolachkes!

A six pack...
and a single rose.

Oh, what's this?

Is it a map of what
the hell's going on here?

"My dearest Mimi,

Congratulations on the
inheritance of your birthright.

I must see you at once.

Sincerely,
Stan, the King of Poland."

Hey look, there's CCs to
King Tut, Queen Latifah,

and Prince Machiavelli.

Shut your food hole!

What would the King
of Poland want with me?

Maybe something to
put in the moat?

- Hey, neighbor.
- Earl, what are you doing here?

I came to ask you
for a really big favor.

Earl, don't you understand?

We don't have the basis
of a good relationship.

You know, we kinda got off
on the wrong foot

that time you pulled
a gun on me.

Drew, that was a toy gun.

If you don't believe me,
call the cops.

Okay, so it wasn't
a real gun, but you know

scarin' off a white man,
that's a great idea.

I was reaching out
in my own stupid, mixed up way.

I-I was trying to say, "Hey,
I want you to be my role model."

What?

I need somebody stable
and healthy to look up to.

Somebody who leads a nice

bland, uneventful life.

You know, I mean,
look at you.

If grey had a face,
you know...

Come on, I-I'll do
your housework.

I'll do your gardening,
if you want, you know...

♪ I'll be your little monkey
just to make you laugh ♪

You know, I always wanted
somebody to say that to me.

Just not a bald guy
with sideburns.

Come on, give me a chance.
You know, at the same time

you'll be teaching me
how to be normal.

I don't want to go
to prison again, Drew.

You know, ten hours a day in a...

...a cell barely bigger
than your cubicle.

You know, no natural light...

You know, kinda like this and...

'...guards barking
orders at you.'

Demeaning you.

Sounds like hell.

Carey!

- Workin' here, boss.
- Atta boy.

[instrumental music]

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[applause]

You know, the dance floor's
the only place

I-I really
feel comfortable in my body.

Oh, I can see that,
you scary little freak ya.

Hey, neighbor,
great shirt.

Hey, I was about to
tell you the same thing.

You know, Earl, I gotta tell ya
since you've been watching me

I feel like you've really
gotten your life together.

Hey, Earl, let me
ask you something.

When you went crazy,
did you suddenly see black

then see red, then you
woke up like two minutes later

and you didn't know where
you were or what you'd done?

- No.
- Phew! I'm okay then.

You know, Earl, Drew's
a great guy to look up to.

But it's important
to be an individual.

You have to be yourself.

Yeah, that's
an interesting point.

How do we feel
about that, Drew?

We feel that our friends
are just jealous

because they weren't
asked to be role models

but, we'll let it go
'cause we're the bigger man.

Ah, we don't say that

'cause we're setting
ourselves up for a joke.

(Earl)
'Okay, got it.'

Listen, I'm gonna go
order another cheese bur...

Oh, wow.

Hey, I learned to eat
when I'm not hungry.

Hey, thanks, man.

Okay, let me get this straight.

Follows you everywhere, stalker.

Follows you everywhere,
and kisses your butt, friend.

Hey, I can't help it if he
wants to live in my shadow.

Yeah, him and entire
population of China.

Uh, shadow? Yeah,
it's more like a total eclipse.

Three, uh, shadow?
Yeah, 'cause you're so fat.

Real original, Oswald.

Move, peasants!

The table near the jukebox
is reserved for the future

king of Poland.

Well, he's gonna have to wait
'cause it's occupied by the

current king of beers.

You people have no
sense of history.

The two most important families
in Poland are meeting for the

first time in almost
two hundred years.

My prince is comin'.
It's like a fairytale.

Hey! Thanks
for the ride, man!

It's not every day that the King
of Poland rips one in your cab!

Oh, crap.

Hey! Anyone seen
the Duchess of Kraków?

[whispering]
Nobody say a word.

She's right over there,
pal, and she ain't shy.

Mimi?

Mimi Bobeck?

So, you're the
king of Poland?

I didn't expect a crown and cape,
but cripes! Tuck in your shirt!

Can't. Got a rash.

Hey...

You look like you could make it
through a cold Polish winter.

One more crack and you're
not gonna make it through

a cold Cleveland night!

Hey. Where you goin, my
little piszkola pumpy?

Come on! Don't you wanna see how
the King of Poland courts a lady?

I have seen enough!

Wanna keep those feet?

Come on! Gimme a break,
will ya? Hey...

You're not seeing me in my best light.
I'm still in my work clothes.

Oh yeah? What do you do?

Well, I'm outta work right now.

[scoffs]

Goodnight. Don't let the
drawbridge hit you in the can.

Ya know, technically, our families
still own the Crystal Palace in Warsaw

and being next in line, if we get
married, they'd have to let us live there.

Palace, huh?

Oh yeah.

Look, King...

It's all kinda sudden.

Tell you what.
You clean yourself up

show me two weeks
worth of pay stubs...

and I'll think about it.

Why, you know... I got a lead
on an electrician's job.

I mean, I'm the king of Poland.

How tough could it be
to change a light bulb?

[instrumental music]

Hey, Drew.

Kinda like a couple of dolphins
the way we communicate.

Hey, Drew, I got
a flat on the way over

and I need a spare tire.

Ah!

Thanks, Kate. Six months since
a girl touched me.

Ew! I touched
a stranger's fat.

Hey, Earl.
Lookin' good, my man.

You too, Drew. See ya.

Hey, is that why you called
to see what I was wearing today?

Yeah. Hey, you're not angry that
I copped your look, are you?

No, I'm just glad to see
that it works for everybody.

So, what are you
doin' here, Earl?

Oh, just, uh, you know,
being a little monkey.

Just to make you laugh.

[imitating monkey hooting]

Oh, man. He does make me laugh.

Hey, why did you give him a key?

I didn't give him a key.

I thought he came in
with you guys.

Hey, he forgot his jacket.

Check his pockets,
I bet he stole something.

No, wa-wa-wait. Hey, say,
wait, this isn't right.

He-he came to me 'cause
he wanted someone to believe in

someone he could trust
he wanted a role model.

- Check his wallet.
- Okay.

Uh-oh. Look at this license.

That's my name
and that's my address

but that's not my face.

Why would he want a license
with your name on it?

Hmm. Maybe this
will give us a clue.

"Things to do.
Monday, be more like Drew.

"Tuesday, be more like Drew.

"Wednesday, be more Drew.

(Oswald)
'"Thursday, be Drew.'

"Friday, Drew.

Saturday, pickup dry cleaning."

"Pickup dry cleaning."

"Pickup dry cleaning" what do
you think he means by that?

I'll tell you what it means,
it means he wants my life.

Hey, here's an idea.
Let him have it.

[instrumental music]

Hey, pig. If the King of
Poland calls, I'm not here.

No problem. By the way

what's black and white
and gross all over?

Oh, my God! You're not Drew.
You're creepy Earl.

Hi, Mimi.

And what did you do with Drew?

Do you have him locked
in a closet somewhere?

- No.
- Oh, I know.

Is he bound and gagged
in the trunk of your car?

- No.
- Oh, well.

Have you thought about tying him
to a chair and dangling

a roast beef just
out of reach of his tongue

so that it drives him crazy?

I mean, it's just a thought.

Mornin', Mimi.
Man, I pity the cheetah

that tries to take you down.

Beautiful.

I'm having deja-pig.

What are you talkin' about?

Mornin', Drew.
Same old bunch of crap, huh?

Alright, man. I've been lookin'
for you, we have to talk.

And what's with the Ken wig?

Oh, good Lord, Carey.

You didn't tell me
you had a son.

- I don't.
- Oh.

About this report,
where you suggest

"We promise
the employees everything

but give them nothing."

I didn't write that report.

I did.

Well, this is a quandary.

I really liked it.

Well, he's doin' my job.
He shouldn't be doin' my job.

Or should he?

I say you both show up tomorrow

and we have a Drew-off.

Whoever does the best job,
get to be the Drew.

It's not much of a prize,
but anyway.

Hey, listen, pal,
I wanted to help you

but this has gone too far.

There can only
be one Drew Carey.

Yeah, you're right.

Look, I-I just
admired your life.

And I guess, I went-
I guess, I went too far.

Uh, I'm just gonna
get out of your hair.

I guess it's best for everybody
if I just disappeared.

Hey! Why don't you and your
buddies come by tomorrow night

and we'll throw back a few
farewell beers, huh? Yeah.

Uh oh. Here comes the
"King of Poland."

How do these guys
get out on the street?

Yeah, Drew. I filled out all the
employment forms, and I'm ready to go.

Jeez! Have you put on weight
since I've seen you this morning?

Probably. What are you talking
about? I didn't hire you.

Oh, well the little you did.

Aw, jeez.

If I don't get a job, I don't get
Mimi's respect, and I don't

take her away to Poland.

You wanna take our
Mimi to Poland?

God bless you, your highness!
God bless you! Long live the king!

Hey, thanks!

Ya know, if I didn't have three
bastard sons, I'd make you

the heir to the throne.

Story of my life. I'm always three
bastards away from the brass ring.

[instrumental music]

Hey! Mimi, you came!

Yeah. Keep it in your apron.
What do you want?

I did it. I'm workin'.

Before ya know it, I'll
scrape together enough dough

to get us back into the palace
and rule in Poland.

Oh, well why stop at Poland?
If I get a part time job

at Burger King, we could take
back the Balkans!

Can we just, you know,
sit down?

Allow me.

You, now, I should have just
blown you off right away, but

out of respect to our poor,
beleaguered people, I...

Oh, jeez! It was wet!

Lemme get that for ya.

Hey! You're not getting
anywhere near there.

Obviously, you've never
been to Poland.

So you might want to take
a look at this book.

Wanna see a picture of that fancy
Crystal Palace you been talkin' about?

Oh yeah.

Okay, well you see
the Carpet Barn here?

Yeah, well your Crystal Palace is this
big pile of rubble just off to the right.

Aw, jeez.

So you might just want to save
your dough for something real

and not for rushing off to
this big pile of nothin'.

Yeah, well if you were there,
you could make it somethin'.

Together, we could make it
a castle worthy of your beauty.

You know, put up panelin'.

Do I look like Martha Stewart?
It's a pile of rocks!

[instrumental music]

Come on, guys. We'll stay at Earl's
for five minutes, and we'll leave.

- No way! I'm not going.
- No, I'm not goin'.

We'll go over there
and we'll make an excuse

we can leave right away.

I got one,
I never stay in a house

more than five minutes
where the arm of the chairs

are made out of real arms.

Alright, how about this?

We go over there
and we can't take it anymore

we'll yawn and go,
"Oh, boy, am I sleepy."

Hey, does he know
we're not all doctors?

'Cause we could say
we're a team of surgeons

and we've been called
to an emergency

Siamese twins separation.

Okay, let's give that
a special code name

we'll call that
The Moron Plan.

[knock on door]

(Earl)
'Come in.'

Oh, my God.

It's my house.

Hey, guys, have a seat.

Make yourselves at home.

Oh, that shouldn't be
too hard for you, Drew.

Hey, who wants pizza?

[indistinct chattering]

Oh, come on,
you want a slice, huh?

A-and you want a slice,
I'll give you a slice.

Come on, everybody
wants a slice of pizza.

I got to warn you though...

...even though I said don't

they put olives on the pizza

and I said no and I...

[whimpering]

It's not working for me.

Now! Who wants a beer?

Oh, I don't know,
Earl, I really--

- Drew.
- What?

- Drew!
- What?

Calm down, Earl.

I'm Drew!
There is no Earl.

That's who this
farewell party's for.

Earl is gone.

Well, this might be
a little after the fact

but here's a little
farewell present for Earl.

Here, this is
all my money. Got to go.

Stop right there!

Drew, it's four of us
and one of you.

And with me supervising,
they should be able to

take that knife away from you.

Oh, no, guys, you...

You thought I was
threatening you with this?

No, no.
No, this is for pizza.

[laughter]

No, this is for threatenin' you.

Oh-oh!

Yeah, that's better, huh?

[yawns]

I-I'm sleepy.

Look, uh, Earl...

...we all know
that's a toy gun. So...

Oh, yeah?
You sure of that?

How lucky you been
in your life, Drew?

Oh, crap. It's a real gun.

Come on, buddy. I just want to
lead a nice, simple, quiet life.

So come into the kitchen
where I can kill ya.

Oh, man, I'm gonna
die in the kitchen.

I hate proving that
cocky cardiologist right.

[whimpering]

You know what, Earl?
I can prove mathematically

that you cannot kill Drew Carey.

Oh, Drew, just go in the kitchen
and get it over with.

No. Wait a second.
I-I wanna hear this.

- I'm kind of a math buff.
- Okay.

There's a train leaving
Pittsburg going to Detroit

at a 140 miles an hour.

[mumbling]
Okay.

Okay. And there's another train,
going 125 miles an hour

from Boston to Albany,
New York. You got it?

[sighs]

- Yeah.
- Okay.

[screaming]

We got him, Kate,
call the police.

You're gonna be all over
the news, Earl

and you're never gonna be able
to do this in this town again

'cause everyone's gonna
see how dangerous you are.

Everyone in town?

You thinkin'
what I'm thinkin'?

- Buzz Beer stickers?
- Yeah.

Drink Buzz Beer.
Drink Buzz Beer.

(Oswald)
'Drink Buzz Beer.'

I'm free. I'm free.

Ah-whoo!

It's cold outside.

[wood creaking]