Original subtitles

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Up every mornin' ♪

♪ Just to keep a job ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way ♪

♪ Through the hustling mob ♪

♪ Sounds of the city ♪

♪ Poundin' in my brain ♪

♪ While another day goes down the drain ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows ♪

♪ No one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a 5 o'clock me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that the world looks fine yeah ♪

♪ Holiday ♪

♪ Hey ♪

Okay, it's a half hour to tip off. Now, here's the rules.

Every time they make a two-pointer, we take a drink.

When they make a three-pointer, we chug-a-lug.

Free throw, take a sip.

And if they dribble, sippity, sippity, sippity

sippity, sippity, sippity, sippity, sippity...

Hey, we gotta get going to the game.

You guys are going to the game?

I thought we were watchin' it on TV.

Well, we were going to surprise you

when you saw it on TV but what the heck!

You're-you're lookin' at the new corporate sponsors

of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Oswald, puttin' a Buzz Beer sticker on your ass

and streaking the game does not make you a corporate sponsor.

Hey, that was a golf tournament.

It was hot and it was an isolated incident.

Liberating but isolated.

Besides, we've come up with a much better idea

for free publicity. We're gonna slap Buzz Beer stickers

on the Cavs players as they run onto the court, huh.

Hey! Good job, buddy!

What a job out there tonight.

You were dynamite out there.

Once again walking that fine line

between advertising and felonious assault, huh?

And there is more.

I'm a reporter in the locker room after the game.

Thanks for the interview.

Then a quick peek in the showers

to see who's the most valuable player and I'm off.

Hey, you can come with us if you want.

No, I think it's best to keep somebody

on the outside with bail.

Okay.

[door closes]

Ah! Earl, you're out!

Hey, buddy, can I come in? The game's almost on.

Oh, yeah, sure. So you can pull a gun on me again?

On second thought, don't move.

I want you right there when I call the cops.

But first, I'm gonna lock the backdoor. Hey, Earl!

Relax, Drew, I was released.

And since making amends is part of my rehabilitation

I just wanted to stop by and say I'm sorry.

Boy, is my face red about that whole attempted murder thing.

[laughing] What was I thinking?

Yeah, you really goofed up there, beav.

Hey, listen, uh, you hungry?

I got some pizza in the other room, huh.

Oh, great! But no olives.

Anti-depressants and olives kinda make me little gassy.

[beeps] Yeah, hi.

There's a maniac here who tried to kill me.

My name is Drew Carey.

Who are you talkin' to, Drew?

Oh! No one just doing my phone curls. Nine.

And ten! Whoo! Ah!

Hey, look, you know, I know you were callin' the cops

and I understand but I did my time, you know...

...I've really changed, I'm feeling better. Look.

Here's my release form.

"We feel confident that this inmate

can be reintroduced as a useful member of society."

Hey, you got an A in racket ball.

Hey, also here's my EKG. Look at this.

Um, look. Uh, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy.

[hoots] Sane, right there.

Wow! It's all there in black and white, huh?

Oh, man, look, I'm... sorry, I doubted you, man.

I'm glad you got the help you need.

Hey, listen, why don't you have a seat

game's about to start. Want some, uh...

...somethin' to drink to go with that pizza?

- Yeah, great. - Okay.

Ice tea, okay?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Yeah, Drew Carey. I just called you.

Listen, there's a maniac...

Earl, get off the phone.

This time I'm hurt...

...but I'm not mad. I...

[inhales and exhales]

There. Anger gone.

That's just a little technique I learned in prison therapy

to help me manage my rage.

Uh, I-I mean, my, uh, my unhappy thoughts.

Well, I gotta go. I got a roast in the oven.

Hey, do you guys have a neighborhood watch?

You're damn right, we do. So don't try sneaking around my house.

No, no, no. Actually I was hoping to be block commander.

Yeah, I-I'm renting a place next door.

Howdy, neighbor.

[exhales]

[instrumental music]

So, the upshot is, I can't come within 50 feet of a Cavs player.

It's a slap on the wrist really.

- So, what about Earl? - He's always watchin' me.

The cop said until he does something illegal

there's nothing I can do but when he starts killing me...

...ooh, baby, do I got him.

[laughs] Well, you better be careful, Drew.

His bathroom window is directly across from your bedroom window.

- You can see everything. - How do you know that?

Well, remember that cute, Italian guy

who rented the place before Earl?

I happen to be glancing out the window one day

and he was butt naked, eventually.

You mean, Earl can see right into my bedroom?

- 'Mm-hmm.' - Oh, man.

Last night I was watching

"Grease 2" in my underwear.

That'll teach the bastard.

Sorry to hear about your aunt, Mimi.

She was an embarrassment to the Bobeck name.

I'm hearing a eulogy with a heckler.

I still can't believe she was the Duchess of Kraków.

Duchess of Kraków! There's no royal family in Poland.

Not anymore, you big dupah.

When the Russkies toppled the monarchy, the Bobecks were

forced out of Poland and fled to what is now known as Ohio.

See this?

This ring signifies my new title.

It was passed on from generation to generation.

Except aunty was little stubborn so I told the hearse driver

I was going in for a last kiss goodbye.

Package for the Duchess of Kraków!

Is anybody here the Duchess of Kraków?

Hey!

You're lookin' at her, Spudnik.

No.

Yup. It's true. I got blue blood.

I can see it in your eyes.

Gimme that!

"To the Duchess of Kraków from Stanislav Puschinsky."

He's the heir to the throne of Poland.

Wait a minute. The King of Poland lives in Akron?

Yeah. Polish royalty lives all over the world.

[gasps] Oh my god!

Homemade kolachkes!

A six pack... and a single rose.

Oh, what's this?

Is it a map of what the hell's going on here?

"My dearest Mimi,

Congratulations on the inheritance of your birthright.

I must see you at once.

Sincerely, Stan, the King of Poland."

Hey look, there's CCs to King Tut, Queen Latifah,

and Prince Machiavelli.

Shut your food hole!

What would the King of Poland want with me?

Maybe something to put in the moat?

- Hey, neighbor. - Earl, what are you doing here?

I came to ask you for a really big favor.

Earl, don't you understand?

We don't have the basis of a good relationship.

You know, we kinda got off on the wrong foot

that time you pulled a gun on me.

Drew, that was a toy gun.

If you don't believe me, call the cops.

Okay, so it wasn't a real gun, but you know

scarin' off a white man, that's a great idea.

I was reaching out in my own stupid, mixed up way.

I-I was trying to say, "Hey, I want you to be my role model."

What?

I need somebody stable and healthy to look up to.

Somebody who leads a nice

bland, uneventful life.

You know, I mean, look at you.

If grey had a face, you know...

Come on, I-I'll do your housework.

I'll do your gardening, if you want, you know...

♪ I'll be your little monkey just to make you laugh ♪

You know, I always wanted somebody to say that to me.

Just not a bald guy with sideburns.

Come on, give me a chance. You know, at the same time

you'll be teaching me how to be normal.

I don't want to go to prison again, Drew.

You know, ten hours a day in a...

...a cell barely bigger than your cubicle.

You know, no natural light...

You know, kinda like this and...

'...guards barking orders at you.'

Demeaning you.

Sounds like hell.

Carey!

- Workin' here, boss. - Atta boy.

[instrumental music]

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[applause]

You know, the dance floor's the only place

I-I really feel comfortable in my body.

Oh, I can see that, you scary little freak ya.

Hey, neighbor, great shirt.

Hey, I was about to tell you the same thing.

You know, Earl, I gotta tell ya since you've been watching me

I feel like you've really gotten your life together.

Hey, Earl, let me ask you something.

When you went crazy, did you suddenly see black

then see red, then you woke up like two minutes later

and you didn't know where you were or what you'd done?

- No. - Phew! I'm okay then.

You know, Earl, Drew's a great guy to look up to.

But it's important to be an individual.

You have to be yourself.

Yeah, that's an interesting point.

How do we feel about that, Drew?

We feel that our friends are just jealous

because they weren't asked to be role models

but, we'll let it go 'cause we're the bigger man.

Ah, we don't say that

'cause we're setting ourselves up for a joke.

(Earl) 'Okay, got it.'

Listen, I'm gonna go order another cheese bur...

Oh, wow.

Hey, I learned to eat when I'm not hungry.

Hey, thanks, man.

Okay, let me get this straight.

Follows you everywhere, stalker.

Follows you everywhere, and kisses your butt, friend.

Hey, I can't help it if he wants to live in my shadow.

Yeah, him and entire population of China.

Uh, shadow? Yeah, it's more like a total eclipse.

Three, uh, shadow? Yeah, 'cause you're so fat.

Real original, Oswald.

Move, peasants!

The table near the jukebox is reserved for the future

king of Poland.

Well, he's gonna have to wait 'cause it's occupied by the

current king of beers.

You people have no sense of history.

The two most important families in Poland are meeting for the

first time in almost two hundred years.

My prince is comin'. It's like a fairytale.

Hey! Thanks for the ride, man!

It's not every day that the King of Poland rips one in your cab!

Oh, crap.

Hey! Anyone seen the Duchess of Kraków?

[whispering] Nobody say a word.

She's right over there, pal, and she ain't shy.

Mimi?

Mimi Bobeck?

So, you're the king of Poland?

I didn't expect a crown and cape, but cripes! Tuck in your shirt!

Can't. Got a rash.

Hey...

You look like you could make it through a cold Polish winter.

One more crack and you're not gonna make it through

a cold Cleveland night!

Hey. Where you goin, my little piszkola pumpy?

Come on! Don't you wanna see how the King of Poland courts a lady?

I have seen enough!

Wanna keep those feet?

Come on! Gimme a break, will ya? Hey...

You're not seeing me in my best light. I'm still in my work clothes.

Oh yeah? What do you do?

Well, I'm outta work right now.

[scoffs]

Goodnight. Don't let the drawbridge hit you in the can.

Ya know, technically, our families still own the Crystal Palace in Warsaw

and being next in line, if we get married, they'd have to let us live there.

Palace, huh?

Oh yeah.

Look, King...

It's all kinda sudden.

Tell you what. You clean yourself up

show me two weeks worth of pay stubs...

and I'll think about it.

Why, you know... I got a lead on an electrician's job.

I mean, I'm the king of Poland.

How tough could it be to change a light bulb?

[instrumental music]

Hey, Drew.

Kinda like a couple of dolphins the way we communicate.

Hey, Drew, I got a flat on the way over

and I need a spare tire.

Ah!

Thanks, Kate. Six months since a girl touched me.

Ew! I touched a stranger's fat.

Hey, Earl. Lookin' good, my man.

You too, Drew. See ya.

Hey, is that why you called to see what I was wearing today?

Yeah. Hey, you're not angry that I copped your look, are you?

No, I'm just glad to see that it works for everybody.

So, what are you doin' here, Earl?

Oh, just, uh, you know, being a little monkey.

Just to make you laugh.

[imitating monkey hooting]

Oh, man. He does make me laugh.

Hey, why did you give him a key?

I didn't give him a key.

I thought he came in with you guys.

Hey, he forgot his jacket.

Check his pockets, I bet he stole something.

No, wa-wa-wait. Hey, say, wait, this isn't right.

He-he came to me 'cause he wanted someone to believe in

someone he could trust he wanted a role model.

- Check his wallet. - Okay.

Uh-oh. Look at this license.

That's my name and that's my address

but that's not my face.

Why would he want a license with your name on it?

Hmm. Maybe this will give us a clue.

"Things to do. Monday, be more like Drew.

"Tuesday, be more like Drew.

"Wednesday, be more Drew.

(Oswald) '"Thursday, be Drew.'

"Friday, Drew.

Saturday, pickup dry cleaning."

"Pickup dry cleaning."

"Pickup dry cleaning" what do you think he means by that?

I'll tell you what it means, it means he wants my life.

Hey, here's an idea. Let him have it.

[instrumental music]

Hey, pig. If the King of Poland calls, I'm not here.

No problem. By the way

what's black and white and gross all over?

Oh, my God! You're not Drew. You're creepy Earl.

Hi, Mimi.

And what did you do with Drew?

Do you have him locked in a closet somewhere?

- No. - Oh, I know.

Is he bound and gagged in the trunk of your car?

- No. - Oh, well.

Have you thought about tying him to a chair and dangling

a roast beef just out of reach of his tongue

so that it drives him crazy?

I mean, it's just a thought.

Mornin', Mimi. Man, I pity the cheetah

that tries to take you down.

Beautiful.

I'm having deja-pig.

What are you talkin' about?

Mornin', Drew. Same old bunch of crap, huh?

Alright, man. I've been lookin' for you, we have to talk.

And what's with the Ken wig?

Oh, good Lord, Carey.

You didn't tell me you had a son.

- I don't. - Oh.

About this report, where you suggest

"We promise the employees everything

but give them nothing."

I didn't write that report.

I did.

Well, this is a quandary.

I really liked it.

Well, he's doin' my job. He shouldn't be doin' my job.

Or should he?

I say you both show up tomorrow

and we have a Drew-off.

Whoever does the best job, get to be the Drew.

It's not much of a prize, but anyway.

Hey, listen, pal, I wanted to help you

but this has gone too far.

There can only be one Drew Carey.

Yeah, you're right.

Look, I-I just admired your life.

And I guess, I went- I guess, I went too far.

Uh, I'm just gonna get out of your hair.

I guess it's best for everybody if I just disappeared.

Hey! Why don't you and your buddies come by tomorrow night

and we'll throw back a few farewell beers, huh? Yeah.

Uh oh. Here comes the "King of Poland."

How do these guys get out on the street?

Yeah, Drew. I filled out all the employment forms, and I'm ready to go.

Jeez! Have you put on weight since I've seen you this morning?

Probably. What are you talking about? I didn't hire you.

Oh, well the little you did.

Aw, jeez.

If I don't get a job, I don't get Mimi's respect, and I don't

take her away to Poland.

You wanna take our Mimi to Poland?

God bless you, your highness! God bless you! Long live the king!

Hey, thanks!

Ya know, if I didn't have three bastard sons, I'd make you

the heir to the throne.

Story of my life. I'm always three bastards away from the brass ring.

[instrumental music]

Hey! Mimi, you came!

Yeah. Keep it in your apron. What do you want?

I did it. I'm workin'.

Before ya know it, I'll scrape together enough dough

to get us back into the palace and rule in Poland.

Oh, well why stop at Poland? If I get a part time job

at Burger King, we could take back the Balkans!

Can we just, you know, sit down?

Allow me.

You, now, I should have just blown you off right away, but

out of respect to our poor, beleaguered people, I...

Oh, jeez! It was wet!

Lemme get that for ya.

Hey! You're not getting anywhere near there.

Obviously, you've never been to Poland.

So you might want to take a look at this book.

Wanna see a picture of that fancy Crystal Palace you been talkin' about?

Oh yeah.

Okay, well you see the Carpet Barn here?

Yeah, well your Crystal Palace is this big pile of rubble just off to the right.

Aw, jeez.

So you might just want to save your dough for something real

and not for rushing off to this big pile of nothin'.

Yeah, well if you were there, you could make it somethin'.

Together, we could make it a castle worthy of your beauty.

You know, put up panelin'.

Do I look like Martha Stewart? It's a pile of rocks!

[instrumental music]

Come on, guys. We'll stay at Earl's for five minutes, and we'll leave.

- No way! I'm not going. - No, I'm not goin'.

We'll go over there and we'll make an excuse

we can leave right away.

I got one, I never stay in a house

more than five minutes where the arm of the chairs

are made out of real arms.

Alright, how about this?

We go over there and we can't take it anymore

we'll yawn and go, "Oh, boy, am I sleepy."

Hey, does he know we're not all doctors?

'Cause we could say we're a team of surgeons

and we've been called to an emergency

Siamese twins separation.

Okay, let's give that a special code name

we'll call that The Moron Plan.

[knock on door]

(Earl) 'Come in.'

Oh, my God.

It's my house.

Hey, guys, have a seat.

Make yourselves at home.

Oh, that shouldn't be too hard for you, Drew.

Hey, who wants pizza?

[indistinct chattering]

Oh, come on, you want a slice, huh?

A-and you want a slice, I'll give you a slice.

Come on, everybody wants a slice of pizza.

I got to warn you though...

...even though I said don't

they put olives on the pizza

and I said no and I...

[whimpering]

It's not working for me.

Now! Who wants a beer?

Oh, I don't know, Earl, I really--

- Drew. - What?

- Drew! - What?

Calm down, Earl.

I'm Drew! There is no Earl.

That's who this farewell party's for.

Earl is gone.

Well, this might be a little after the fact

but here's a little farewell present for Earl.

Here, this is all my money. Got to go.

Stop right there!

Drew, it's four of us and one of you.

And with me supervising, they should be able to

take that knife away from you.

Oh, no, guys, you...

You thought I was threatening you with this?

No, no. No, this is for pizza.

[laughter]

No, this is for threatenin' you.

Oh-oh!

Yeah, that's better, huh?

[yawns]

I-I'm sleepy.

Look, uh, Earl...

...we all know that's a toy gun. So...

Oh, yeah? You sure of that?

How lucky you been in your life, Drew?

Oh, crap. It's a real gun.

Come on, buddy. I just want to lead a nice, simple, quiet life.

So come into the kitchen where I can kill ya.

Oh, man, I'm gonna die in the kitchen.

I hate proving that cocky cardiologist right.

[whimpering]

You know what, Earl? I can prove mathematically

that you cannot kill Drew Carey.

Oh, Drew, just go in the kitchen and get it over with.

No. Wait a second. I-I wanna hear this.

- I'm kind of a math buff. - Okay.

There's a train leaving Pittsburg going to Detroit

at a 140 miles an hour.

[mumbling] Okay.

Okay. And there's another train, going 125 miles an hour

from Boston to Albany, New York. You got it?

[sighs]

- Yeah. - Okay.

[screaming]

We got him, Kate, call the police.

You're gonna be all over the news, Earl

and you're never gonna be able to do this in this town again

'cause everyone's gonna see how dangerous you are.

Everyone in town?

You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

- Buzz Beer stickers? - Yeah.

Drink Buzz Beer. Drink Buzz Beer.

(Oswald) 'Drink Buzz Beer.'

I'm free. I'm free.

Ah-whoo!

It's cold outside.

[wood creaking]