Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

I know you're nervous, Speedy. But don't worry, buddy.

They can't take 'em twice.

Man, how long does it take to read a hip x-ray?

It's just a picture. It's not like reading words or anything.

Reason number 2,000,005 why you're not a doctor.

Hey.

For your information, I always wanted to be a vet.

Animals fascinate me.

You know, I read an article

that said they can look right into our souls.

- What do you see, birdie? - Squawk, Loser!

- Hey! - Probably just a lucky guess.

I bet he knows lots of words.

- Polly want a cracker? - Loser!

Cut it out.

- Loser! - Shut up.

Stupid bird says what?

- Hey, Oswald. - What?

[bird laughing]

Uh, anyone have a pet squirrel they left outside?

Real cute, big teeth, doesn't like to cuddle.

Shouldn't have tried to take his nuts.

Hmm.

Drew, Speedy, you wanna come in? We'll talk about the x-rays.

Hup, this is it.

I'll come with you.

Sometimes he gets nervous and it helps if I scratch his neck.

Attaboy. You're alright.

Attaboy.

Hi.

Hey, couldn't help but notice your monkey.

Now I can't help but notice you.

Hey!

Okay. Seen the trick.

Persistent little fella, isn't he?

Please tell me there's not a second part to this trick.

Oh, oh sure, walk away.

I was the one getting groped by your monkey.

It's a sentence I thought I'd never say... again.

(Lewis) 'Hey buddy. How'd it go?'

Well... doctor says his hips are gettin' worse

but the good news is

there's a new operation that could fix him.

Yeah. Except that it costs $2700.

Wow. My car didn't even cost that much.

- Loser! - Shut up!

Oh, I'm gonna get the money. I don't care if it kills me.

'Cause I want you to know that incredible feeling you get

when you run and you run and you just can't run no more. Yeah.

How would you know what that feels like, Drew?

[laughing]

Shut up. I've chased an ice cream truck or two in my day.

And hey, listen...

...before we leave, I gotta go to the men's room.

I'll be right back.

Oh, hi. Uh... thank you.

♪ Up every mornin just to keep a job ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way through the hustlin mob ♪

♪ Sounds of the city pounding in my brain ♪

♪ While another day goes down the drain ♪

♪ But its a five o clock world when the whistle blows ♪

♪ No one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And theres a five o clock me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin that the world looks fine yeah ♪

♪ Holiday ♪

[instrumental music]

Hey, pig!

There's a bunch of stuff for you to sign.

Sign here.

Sign here.

Put you hoof print right here.

What? A request form for eight more vacation days.

You just got back from vacation!

Your tan line hasn't even faded yet.

Oh, dear God. Please tell me there is a tan line.

Met a cute guy in Miami and...

...let's just say Mimi got her groove back.

Next week, we're gonna meet to go skiing.

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. Yeah!

A blind guy that could ski. Good for you.

Look. I'd love to give you extra time off. But I can't.

Even though a vacation for you would be vacation for my eyes.

I'm warnin' you.

When I don't get any, I can get mighty unpleasant.

Wonder if they make a mouthwash for your head.

- Hi, Drew. - Hey.

You know, seeing how close you and Speedy are

and all those cute little animals in the vet's office

I decided that I wanted a little friend too.

So look what I got during lunch.

Ah! It's a little... nothin'.

They're so cute when they're small.

Oh, my gosh! Where's my ferret?

There was a ferret in here.

H-how'd it figure out the lock?

He must have been looking in his little mirror

when I was doin' the combination.

[woman screaming]

Oh! I think I found him. See ya.

- Hey, Nora. - Drew.

Well, enough small talk.

We need to update your personal information for health benefits.

'Cause this year you finally waddled into the top risk group.

I'm sure the doughnut's rootin' for ya.

Don't push me, Nora. I gotta lot in my mind.

Including an expensive operation.

Surgery, huh? Well... think happy thoughts.

You're all heart. But the operation's for my dog.

What?

You have a doggy?

And he needs surgery?

Lemme see a picture.

This is Speedy. He needs a new hip.

Hey, you look about his size.

[scoffs]

These are my children.

These are my dogs.

And these are my cats.

Aww, cat lady. Who'd have guessed, huh?

So when's Speedy getting his operation?

Oh, I wanna get it done right away, but I can't afford it.

Listen... I think I might be able to help you.

I've worked out a system.

To use the company insurance to pay vet bills.

You just claim your pet as a dependant.

What? That's cheatin' the system. I can't do that.

The system gives us order.

Without the system, there is chaos.

Okay, I think everybody heard me.

You say no one's ever been caught?

Not once in seven years.

Ah, what am I thinkin'. I-I can't cheat the company.

Besides, everyone knows I don't have a wife and kids.

You don't need a wife and kids.

We have same-sex benefits.

You just pretend you're gay.

I'm sorry. This is my stop. I think I'm gettin' off.

Don't be a wuss. I'm the only one that see's the forms.

[scoffs] I can't. That's crazy.

Okay, Drew.

I'll be crippled just so people don't think you're gay.

Oh, man... okay, look.

I'll do it only if you let me pay it back. With interest.

Fine. Pay it back and I'll send it into the company.

So... what would his name be?

- Who? - Your lover.

It has to be something you're comfortable with

and can easily remember.

I don't know. Drew and John. No.

Drew and Tom. No.

Drew and Michael.

Drew and Michael, cordially invite you to...

Oh! What the hell am I doin'? Just put down anything.

[instrumental music]

(Drew) 'Okay, get well, Speedy. Take care.'

Thanks, Oswald. You can hang up now.

Did you hear him, Kate? Doesn't he sound great?

For once, I am beatin' the system

and since I'm payin' 'em back with interest

I don't feel bad at all.

- But you know what I do feel? - Huh.

Somethin' furry runnin' up my leg.

Ferret! Ferret!

I'm not gonna get it. You have to get it out.

Hurry up! He's gettin' really high. He's about to find a hole.

Alright. Stand still.

Matt, you little weasel. Come to mama.

Oh, Jeez. Is it promotion time already?

Okay, wait. Wait, wait. I got it.

One, two, three! Hey, where you going?

It's just been up Drew's pants.

It's probably gonna jump off the building.

If you've emptied your arc...

...Mrs. Louder wants to see you immediately.

It's about some insurance claim you filed.

I guess they don't cover pullin' your head out of your butt.

Hi. Uh, you wanted to see me.

Come on in, Drew.

Now, this is a rather delicate area--

Did I mention how wonderful you all look today?

- 'It's a pleasure--' - Quit babbling.

If I wanna hear babbling, I'll talk to one of these yes men.

That's right.

Now, Drew.. How is Aaron's hip coming along?

- Who? - Your significant other.

Oh! Yeah. Great. You know the...

It's gonna take a while to heal, but the vet said...

I mean, the doctor. He was a vet.

That's the only kind of doctor I'll use.

One who's served his country in the field of battle.

God bless America. Can I go now?

Sit down, Mr. Carey.

You know, it isn't our policy to challenge employee claims

and-and certainly we make no judgement

on your personal lifestyle, but--

Since when are you gay?

I'm sorry. Isn't this a personal matter? You know...

I was told those papers wouldn't be seen by anyone.

Well, normally they wouldn't, but Nora's off today

and yours came up for review.

Now, on the off chance you're confused. Let me explain to you.

Simply being rejected by woman

doesn't qualify you as a homosexual.

Well, what exactly are you asking me? I mean--

We'd like to meet Aaron. It's not that we don't trust you.

It's just we know you've dated women.

You know, I-I really resent this invasion of privacy.

What goes on between a man and a woman, or a man and a man

or a woman and a woman, or a woman and a woman and a man...

I don't have to go through all the combinations.

I think you get my point.

Nevertheless, we'll need proof of the relationship

otherwise, you could be prosecuted for insurance fraud.

We will not be made fools of.

[instrumental music]

[upbeat music]

Here. Cheer up, buddy.

Pretty soon you'll be up and around.

I'll be out of a job. We'll both be eatin' the same food, huh.

- Hey, Kate. - Hi.

What's that?

It's a humane trap for my ferret.

I'll just put some food in there

to lure him in and bam! He's trapped.

Then I spray some water on the cage.

Flick the lights like lightning

and pretty soon he thinks I'm god!

There'll be no more running away.

[laughing]

Kate, this'll never work. What animal is that stupid?

Dumpty-dum, well, look, a snack. Good.

[groaning]

Who here didn't know that was gonna happen?

[clattering]

Hey, let's get him out of there before he chews his arm off.

[groaning]

Huh! Glad that parrot wasn't here.

I'd never hear the end of it.

[giggling] So, Drew, have you decided

what you're gonna tell the board?

Are you're gonna try to prove to them you're gay?

Kind of ironic. Isn't it?

You've spent your whole life

trying to prove that you're not.

[laughing]

This is not helping me with my problem.

I will help you with your problem.

If you don't tell the truth, you'll get fired.

At the very least, lose your health insurance.

And you need that health insurance, Drew.

Especially, living in such a dangerous neighborhood.

What are you talking about? This neighborhood isn't dangerous.

Oh, yeah? Fried Chicken Shack?

Corn dog stand?

Three doughnut shops, all within walking distance?

Location, location, location!

Just remember, Drew, people don't kill people.

Corn dogs kill people.

Mmm.

She's right, you know. I can't lose my health benefits.

I gotta find a same-sex partner.

[giggling] Oswald?

Wait a minute. Why is it automatically me?

Oh, you know, you're my friend.

Well, so is Lewis. Why'd you pick me to be gay over Lewis?

Because you're...

...you're more sophisticated, you know what I mean.

- No, what's your point? - Alright. I'll-I'll be honest.

I'll just say it right out in the open.

Lewis is too obvious of a choice.

Hm.

- Sometimes, pretty is a curse. - Oh.

- Oh. - Oh.

I-I see. Yeah, okay.

So-so, what do I have to do?

You just have to walk in the board room

like you'd had a hip surgery

and then pretend to be my boyfriend.

Oh, well... what if they start asking questions?

You know me all my life. You know everything about me.

Well, I know about you, but not about us.

How long have we been a couple?

I don't know. Six months?

And we're already living together?

Jeez! That's kinda quick.

Alright, nine months.

And did we ever go on vacation?

What do we do on Sundays?

And a song! We need a song!

Lewis wanna do this?

After seein' how snippy you are with Oswald?

I think not.

[instrumental music]

So now you're gay?

Oh, man. Who told you?

Doesn't matter. 'Cause I don't believe any of it.

I just haven't figured out what your angle is yet.

You're under my magnifying glass, pig.

You know what? You're even huger than before!

Whatever you're up to...

...you're not gonna get away with it.

I'm here, I'm queer. Get used to it.

Oh, Drew, I heard you got in trouble. I'm so sorry.

You're sorry? How about me?

I have to lie about who I am for the rest for the time

I work here, which is basically forever.

Not forever.

In a year you'll decide it was just an experiment.

You have to keep your relationships with women

a deep, dark secret.

The same way I'm sure they do.

Excuse me, I'm here for an interview with Drew Carey.

I was just leaving.

I have to help hold my husband down

while they give him a bath.

So, ah, Ms. Wolfe, have a seat. Shouldn't take too long.

Hey, says here you type 90 words a minute.

That's right.

Can you take your glasses off?

Why?

Just for a second. I wanna see something.

I knew it.

A young Nick Nolte!

[chuckling] C'mon. Let's get back to the interview.

I can't.

I won't be able to think straight

until you put those glasses back on.

[chuckles]

So, um, according to your resume...

...as far as possible positions

it says you're, um, up for anything.

That's right. What do you say we go out?

Oh, look, um, Ms. Wolfe, I should tell you this.

This isn't gonna help you get the job.

Although I do like you better than the woman

who told me I look like an old Cris Farley.

Well, then I don't want the job.

I just wanna have sex with you

eat pizza and show you some cheers I know from high school.

Ah-ha...

[shouting] Mimi?

Hm?

Does this young lady belong to you?

Why? Whatever do you mean?

You're not gonna out me as a heterosexual, Mimi.

Nice try though.

Oh... oh, right.

Guess it was stupid. Thanks anyway, Jenny.

Oh... ah, by the way, your next interview is here.

Ah, sorry Aaron's late. You know, bad hip and all.

Otherwise, he takes pretty good care of himself, you know.

Exercises, takes his vitamins.

My man! I think I'll keep him.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

- Hi. - Hi.

Drew, Aaron, thank you both for coming by.

This won't take long.

Uh, ah, how is your hip, Aaron?

Oh, it's getting better.

The doc says I'll be up and running around the yard

before you know it.

He loves to run. Very outdoorsy.

It's pretty interesting, Aaron.

It is Aaron, isn't it?

Because you're our global parcel delivery man

and I know you as Oswald.

Well, it was Oswald

but ever since Drew and I became more than just friends

I've gone by Aaron.

Because to me, Oswald is dead.

So what do you wanna know?

Well, first we're going to separate you.

What?

I'm going to ask you

the same questions separately.

If you really are a couple

you'll know everything there is to know about each other.

Sounds like the newly wed game.

What's the craziest place you ever made whoopie?

[laughs]

Aaron, could you wait outside, please?

Oh, my blue eyes are gonna miss you.

Yup, Drew Alison Carey really is gonna miss you

from the top of his five foot ten-inch frame

to the bottom of his size ten shoes.

Alison. Got it.

So, Carey, tell us about your first date.

Our first date, well, the one thing I do remember

was that, it was the dead of winter.

Drew was wearing a swimsuit.

That's right. And we shared a ski lift.

And I said "My feet are burning.

Let's get off this beach and go some place quiet"

Oh, my favorite color, red.

His favorite color is blue.

I think his favorite movie is "Dirty Harry."

I like "The Crying Game," that and "Tootsie."

Oh, "Hey Jude."

The theme from "Tootsie."

- And Drew loves pizza. - Oh, I love pizza.

- And beer. - And beer.

He can't get enough beer.

Oh, you cannot get enough beer.

[instrumental music]

You two are very similar, in that all your answers are wrong.

You know absolutely nothing about each other.

Have you two even met before today?

Can't believe you don't know anything about me.

- Me? What about you? - "The Joy Luck Club?"

"The Joy Luck Club" is my favorite movie?

I remember you told me how neat it would be to have

a multi-generational family and then I said--

They don't need to hear all this?

Why do you always have to cut me off?

You're always cutting me off. Like the other day--

I do not do this.

See this is what I'm telling you.

This is exactly what--

Can we talk about this later?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were the boss of me.

Well, I thought I had some say!

We were wrong. They're a real couple, alright.

- What? - We're convinced.

Really? We can go?

Please take your cat-fight else where.

Well, then I guess we'll be going

if that's okay with you.

Fine.

Hold on a second, Carey.

Mrs. Louder, wouldn't they be perfect

for our new advertising campaign?

Oh! I hadn't thought of that!

But you're right, Wick...

Adv-advertising campaign?

Yes, Winfred-Louder is reaching out

to minorities in the community.

You two would be perfect to represent the gays.

Oh, I don't know.

Wait a minute. Wait. What will we do?

Well...

We'd use your images on all our Winfred-Louder advertisements.

On buses, on television and newspapers.

You'd go to gay festivals and parades.

Basically, wherever there are gays in Ohio

you'll be there for us.

Oh, wait, I can't, we can't-I can't

be a role model for somebody I'm not.

I'm...

We're not gay.

Well...

...nice to meet all of you.

So this was a fraud?

You better have a bloody good excuse for this, Carey.

Well, the truth is the, ah

same-sex benefits were for my-my dog.

He needed a hip operation.

Oh, I had a hip operation too.

It's hell in rainy weather

but it's great to catch a frisbee again.

- So you understand? - I understand this.

Your health benefits are suspended

until you pay this off.

And on a personal note, I am very disappointed...

...to think I was going to fix you up with my grandson.

Come on, Speedy, let's see those legs work, huh.

(Drew) 'Come on. Attaboy.'

Come on.

[laughing] Yeah.

Attaboy.

Hey, what do you wanna do first, huh?

You wanna go to the dog park? Play frisbee?

Or you wanna go outside and just run

and you run till you can't run no more?

Anything you wanna do. What do you wanna do, huh?

[rustling]

[outro music]

[instrumental music]

[baby chuckling]

[instrumental music]