Original subtitles

Come on, Speed, Drew's only been outta town a couple of days.

You gotta eat.

He's been eatin', I've been feedin' him.

No, I've been feedin' him.

No, I've been feeding...

So, he's been eatin' nine meals a day?

I wonder if that's how it started with Drew.

Hey, how was Vegas?

No matter what happened, buddy, you look like a winner.

- Yeah. - Well, first of all...

...let me thank Kate for driving away from the airport

with my luggage still in her trunk.

Hey, does this look familiar?

Oh, my God!

I thought that was just a really passionate wave goodbye.

Wait a minute, so you wore that to the convention?

Well, the first day.

Second day, I did this.

Third day was a little warm

so I decided to go a little Caribbean

- Whoa! - Whoa!

Well, now I can take the islands of my wish list.

Why didn't you just buy a shirt?

- I lost a little money. - What?

I lost all my money, okay?

It was the weirdest weekend I ever had in my life

except for that time I ate that mushroom on a nature walk.

Come on and tell us, what was so weird.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Okay, but you gotta promise not to tell anybody else

not even my parents.

Oh, Drew, this isn't one of those stories

that involves a nice dress, an Adam's apple

and big hands, is it?

Hey, my story first, okay?

(Drew) Well, the first thing I did when I got to the airport

was buy some luggage so I wouldn't look like an idiot.

Then, the cab takes me to the hotel.

I get out, and of course

I don't wanna seem like a tourist

so I tried to blend in.

You cannot believe all the lights.

My dad would've been runnin' around from hotel to hotel

yellin', "What am I, Edison?"

Anyway, I checked in and went right to the tables.

I was so hot at craps, I couldn't lose.

Hey, Dilbert! Hey, can I roll?

Hey, you're back, I thought you got cleaned out.

I'm gonna give it one more shot, this is my

never, never, don't loose this money ever money.

Here.

Elvis, if you're up there don't be cruel.

Hey, one hand. The book says to roll with one hand.

What are you, the craps master? Put away the book.

Let the man roll. Let's go, baby.

It does make a difference.

I'm gonna shoot with one hand anyway.

This is my lucky hand.

Okay, wait a minute, uh

that hand lost at the slot machines.

'Okay! Okay.'

Oh, I broke that hand when I was a kid.

Yeah, but it healed real quickly

that's kinda lucky, isn't it? Okay.

Wait a minute. There's a longer lifeline here.

Yeah, will you look at that?

Roll the dice. Let's go, babe. Roll 'em.

(male #1) Okay, here we go!

Oh, gee...

"Many cheats will try to drop the dice

and then replace it with their own rigged pair of dice."

You'll have to exchange those dice, sir

they went off the table.

Hey, do I get extra chips for helpin' out Caesars?

Oh. I guess not.

Okay.

Which hand did I decide on? Right, left, right?

- Please roll the dice. - Any hand.

- Just roll. - Roll the dice. There we go.

(male #2) Three. Craps.

Yes! I love Vegas.

I-I'm a gambling savant. I'm like the Rainman.

Ah!

See, it never works when you rush me.

Just like in the John.

I'm gonna go have a drink

walk around offerin' men a million dollars

to sleep with their wives.

Yeah, you heard me.

Hey, mister, lookin' for a good time?

I'm broke.

They're-they're really good Cirque du Soleil tickets.

Hello, tall, blonde and... tall.

Uh, how about an evening of entertainment?

I'm talkin' acrobatics, positions you've never heard of

swings and big, sparkly outfits.

Oh, I'm not, I'm not really in the market

for, uh, you know, entertainment.

I don't even like paying for it on TV.

Oh, no. I'm talkin' about the Cirque du Soleil.

Oh, if I did do anything it wouldn't be anything fancy

I'm just a Cleveland guy.

You're missin' a hell of a circus, baby.

I've already seen the big top lady.

- 'Four! Winner four.' - There you go.

Oh, wait a minute, I had the thing on the wrong thing.

That's everything I got.

That's all the money I brought to Vegas.

Well, maybe if you spent a little more time

looking at the table and a little less time

with the hookers.

You know, what you should do, guy?

You should forget about gambling

go to the Cirque du Soleil.

We did it twice this week.

Just don't get stuck behind the pole.

Mother was right. This place is like Sodom and Gomorrah.

Okay, uh, so I wasn't doing too good at craps.

I lost a little money, but it's no problem

you know me, I-I roll with the punches.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

- Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! - Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Stu...

You, too?

Yeah, I lost everything.

But we gotta be men about this.

- Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! - Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

- Stupid! Whoa! - Stupid! Stupid!

Look at all these quarters.

(both) Quarters.

Hey, what are you doin' in there?

Mind your own fountain, this is our money.

I'm just, uh, tryin' to stop him.

Have a nice day, officers.

I gotta sell someone an Elvis suit.

Sir, would you step out of the fountain?

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Take all my money away?

Oops, too late.

Here you are, sir.

I brought your drink.

Wow! That's service.

I guess I should tip ya.

Don't make us come in there and get you, buddy.

Oh, yeah, I know what you're thinking.

Some hick from Cleveland comes to Las Vegas

and loses all his money...

So, where are you from?

Cleveland.

I'm from Cleveland, too.

Alright, come on out. No one's gonna hurt you.

- Thank you. - Sure.

- Drew Carey. - Diane Pulaski.

Oh, I guess this looks pretty stupid, huh?

Oh. Ooh, thanks.

Don't feel bad I saw an entire family

in the fountain yesterday.

You know, I always feel bad when a hometown boy comes to Vegas

and gets cleaned out.

I mean, I get off work in an hour

maybe I could show you how to have some fun

in Vegas without gambling.

I already met that lady.

Hey, you're from Cleveland.

Uh, I guess I could trust you.

Hey, did you sell that Elvis suit already?

No, I found an ATM.

Oh, yeah, how'd you do?

Excuse me.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

[instrumental music]

Wow!

Oh, see, I love Vegas.

There's drinkin', big production, showgirls.

Hey, what happens when one of the nudes on ice falls down?

Well, if they're hurt they should just stay down.

'Cause they're already on ice.

[laughing]

See, isn't everything funny after six of these margaritas?

Hey, baby, welcome to the church of rock and roll heaven.

[chuckles]

I'm Reverend Jimmy.

That's Reverend Jim, over there.

And that's Jerry Garcia tending bar.

Excuse me, while I wed this guy.

Hey, hey, hey. I got an idea.

As long as we're here, you wanna get married?

Oh, pfft. Yeah, it'd be a kick.

My friends always said I wouldn't get married till

hell froze over and nude women were skatin' on it, so...

Ha-ha.

They wanted Andy Gibb.

Anyway, come on up the alter.

Well, this is it.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

What if I'm makin' a mistake?

Alright, now listen to this.

[mimics guitar riff]

Alright.

Do you take this, uh, foxy lady

to be your lawfully wedded wife until you crash?

Hey, speakin' of foxy ladies

I heard you shot your old lady down.

Down to the ground!

You shot her!

Do you promise to love and cherish each other

through good trips and bad trips? You dig?

I dig.

Cool.

Oh, by the power vested in me by the groovy state of Nevada

I hereby pronounce you, a freak and his old lady.

Alright. That'll be $29.99.

We do take Visa and Master Card.

And I'll need you to sign this marriage certificate.

Why the bum's rush, Jimmy?

Mr. Drew Carey.

- Here you go, Mrs. Carey. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, you guys really do it up here, man.

You got the seal of the State of Nevada on there.

Almost looks legal.

I'm startin' to get a little worried.

Hey, baby, it is legal.

Yeah, right. You better loosen that head band, buddy.

You're gettin' a little loopy.

Hey, man, I'm an ordained minister.

You did know you're really gettin' married, right?

No.

Did you?

Mmm?

Well, let's not have our first fight already, honey.

[laughing]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

- Alright. Shh, shh! - Oh, my God!

- 'Shh.' - My mother's gonna kill me.

What denomination is this?

Drew, Drew, I can explain.

I was desperate.

- You knew this was real? - It was an emergency.

Oh, well, you know, I've been a little lonely

in my life, too, but you get a dog

or you get a cold, hard look at your parents life

and the urge passes.

Drew, Drew, I know this is crazy

but I really needed to be married...

...I've got a custody battle for my children.

Oh, big sentence, big sentence.

Children?

It ended with children.

Hey, Jerry, give me a double anything, I got kids.

They are great kids, and-and I don't need

a whole lot from you.

My ex-husband wants to drag my kids back to Cleveland

and if I'm married, I-I got a better shot at keepin' 'em.

Oh, so you had to trick me?

Well, I mean, hey, if...

...spontaneity is what keeps a marriage goin'...

[chuckles]

No. Okay, okay, look, look, look.

I, I'll be stayin' at my moms.

All you have to do is just pretend you're the dad

when the social worker comes over.

Alright, but if you want I will rip up the certificate

and I'll go back to the fountain and find someone else.

Oh, man.

Drew, you can't stop now.

What happened? What did you decide?

Well, this is the really weird part.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, I'll tell you as soon as I get this.

- Daddy! - Daddy!

- Our new daddy! - Our new daddy!

Sorry, it's just they're doing a little rehearsal

for the social worker.

Uh, kids...

- Our new daddy! Our new daddy! - Our new daddy! Our new daddy!

- Our new daddy! - Our new daddy!

- Our new daddy! Our new daddy! - Our new daddy! Our new daddy!

Drew went to Las Vegas and all he brought us

were these lousy t-shirts with kids in 'em.

Drew, cute Julie's at the coffee machine

'I hid the sugar. Go ahead and make your move.'

No, first tell me where you hid the sugar.

Oh, Drew, there'll always be more sugar.

- Go, go! - I already asked her out once.

I think she's ready for you.

- Try again. - How can you tell?

She looks depressed and vulnerable.

- Ah, Drew's little helpers. - Mm-hmm.

Hi, Julie.

Hi, Drew.

Listen, um...

...I just broke up with my boyfriend.

Does your offer for dinner still stand?

Oh, I could play hard to get, but I'm not. Yes.

[Julie chuckles]

Drew, I hate to interrupt the freshman mixer...

...but I just got a call

your wife is in the lobby waiting to see you.

Your wife?

You creep!

Do you realize I could lose an arm

and this would still qualify as a good day.

Buzz off, Mimi.

Oh, come on. What's your story on getting a wife?

Are things really that bad in Russia right now?

Mimi, you took a beautiful thing and you made it ugly.

I mean that dress.

Oh, I get it.

You're ashamed to her.

Is this one of those things where it's gonna

cost me a buck 50 to look at her?

Is she in a jar?

If you must know, I met a very nice woman

who took me in when I was broke and wet in Las Vegas.

She's gonna lose custody of her kids. I couldn't let it happen.

That-that's beautiful.

I didn't know that love could be that deep.

Well, it's little more complicated than love.

No, I mean that she could love her children

enough to marry you.

Thank you, Mimi.

I mean, waking up every morning next toyou.

Okay.

I mean, if it were me

I would gouge out my own eyes.

Okay! Okay! I get the point.

You don't wanna marry me, which is good

'cause there's laws against the union of man and beast.

- Hey, Drew. - Hey, Diane.

What are you doing here?

That's not the question.

The question is, does she like English accents and soft jazz.

Oh-ho, you won't be interested in her, Mr. Wick.

She's Drew's wife.

Oh.

Blink twice if you're being held against your will.

Oh, see, there's hope for everyone.

[chuckles]

So, Drew, I'm sorry to bother you at work

but I wanted to talk to you.

So, this is where you work?

What do you do?

Well, from nine to noon I sit right here

then I have lunch, makes me kind of full

so I sit... right here.

Anyway, the social worker wants to come by

and see our family in action on Thursday.

So, I thought I'd bring the kids by tonight

so we can practice.

Uh-oh, I have some questionable magazines.

Actually, it's my dad's subscription

that came to the house.

Don't worry, Drew. I'm gonna take care of the house.

Oh, uh, when the social worker comes over don't be surprised

if I kiss you or touch you like we were couple.

Well, uh, don't be surprised if I like it.

[chuckles]

God.

Where were you when I was really getting married?

Oh, you know those magazines... Ah, forget it.

[chuckles]

Ooh, would you mind picking up Joey and Sarah

from my mom's house on your way home form work?

Oh, I finally get to meet the mother-in-law, huh?

Oh, it's only fair I get to see what

you're gonna look like in 30 years.

Since you already know what I'm gonna look like.

Ta-dah!

[chuckles]

Although there is a 50 percent chance

that I'll have the famous Carey he-hooters.

Mm.

Well, it was short notice but I ran downstairs

and got you something for your honeymoon.

Oh.

It's a blindfold and a Walkman.

Sorry, I can't do anything about the touching.

[instrumental music]

Sorry, it's so crowded tonight fellows.

I'm just, uh, I'm doing a favor for a friend.

Yeah, well, your friend isn't the one sitting on the hump.

You know, I've been in this carpool longer

than this kids have been alive.

So, what? You didn't call it.

I'm not gonna call where I sit.

I'm an adult. Notice the lack of hair.

I call shotgun again after the next stop!

- I call window! - I call window!

I call...

- Damn! - I'm not sitting on the hump again.

Hey, how about everybody just shut up back there.

Okay, now, you're poking me on purpose.

Alright, from now on

you can't touch me because there's a wall here

and you can't put your hand through a wall.

Okay, there's a wall on this side too now, alright.

Stop it! There's a wall. There's a wall...

Shut up! Stop screwin' around.

Don't make me come back there.

Oh, dear God. Drew, you've finally grown into your look.

[Joey grunts]

I'm trying to drive.

No, you're doing it all wrong.

[grunts] Stop it!

Sarah, you try. Go ahead.

Hey, kids, you know Larry pee's when you tickle him.

[chuckling]

[instrumental music]

Hurry up, Joey. Spin the thing, I'm about to hit all the dots.

Just don't let him right hand the red dot

or we're gonna get butt crack.

(Diane) 'Okay, okay.'

Sarah, this is your favorite game

and we gotta practice for tomorrow.

So, we are going to play twister.

We are going to sing songs

and smile the next time you say "Butt crack."

- Butt crack. - Okay, young lady.

Get back in here.

- What's with her? - I don't know.

[grunts] Things aren't going too good at the school.

I think a couple of the kids called her nerdy.

The only thing she wants to do is lay around watch TV and eat.

I think this is dad's area.

Hi.

(Drew) 'So, are you okay?'

This place sucks.

Oh, I put all the money in the living room.

No, I miss Vegas.

Well, miss your friends?

Yeah.

You know what I used to do when I was depressed?

Eat?

Okay. But then, I would go down to the basement to get away

from my brother and everybody and just think all by myself.

You know, 'cause sometimes you need like a special place.

I like to be outside.

Outside is cool.

Hey, you know, what will really make you feel better?

Going out there shoveling some snow

salting down the driveway, huh?

I suppose you want me to exercise for you too.

Diane, Sarah's pickin' on me.

[doorbell rings]

- Hey. - Hey.

I brought over my dad's wedding ring for Drew

and I figured you were gonna need a ring so I brought over

all the engagement rings I've been given.

Take your pick.

- Wow! There are so many. - Mm-hmm. Yeah.

If it helps you choose.

This one is too attached to his mother, high.

- Mm, high. - Yeah.

- This one drinks too much. - Mm-hmm.

- I confirmed his homosexuality. - Oh, I remember him.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Uh, unemployed. - Uh-huh.

And it goes downhill from there.

- Wow. - Hmm.

Too attached to his mother is

just a smaller version of

confirmed his homosexuality...

...interesting.

- Hmm. - Hmm, yeah.

- Okay. - Alright, unemployed it is.

Okay, I gotta go. I'm sorry.

I got a big date tonight.

I might have to start a second hand.

[Diane chuckles]

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

Bye.

Uh, excuse me?

Is this the Carey residence?

Alex, it's not Thursday.

Drew, this is Alex, the social worker.

Who's not supposed to come until Thursday.

Oh, my God. I don't know what day it is.

Does that make me a bad mom?

No, no, no. It-it's Wednesday. I'm a day early. Hi, I'm Alex.

Oh, so, we'll see you tomorrow, Alex.

Sorry, for the surprise, but this is the only way

we can see how you really live.

Believe it or not, some people actually

try to prepare for this things.

Well, not us.

Hey, look, the twister game's out.

Who wants to play?

Yeah. You wanna see us play twister, buddy.

Uh, Sarah. Honey.

- I'll go get her. - Great.

Sarah?

Do you see a red Frisbee?

What are you guys doing?

Oh, we were driving by, we saw

a kid on the roof and we thought

"Hey, let's get back all the Frisbees

and Super Balls we lost up there."

- Oh, oh, oh. - Here, here we go.

[grunts]

Oh, my God. Sarah!

Hey, get down from there right now.

(Sarah) 'I can't hear you.'

'I'm in my special place.'

Oh, my God.

Man, if the social worker sees this

I'm gonna blow everything for Diane.

Oh, you guys gotta help me.

Drew, you keep the social worker inside.

- We'll get her down. - Yeah. Okay.

So, where is your daughter?

Um...

Uh, she'll be right down.

[chuckles]

Well, seems like a nice place.

Nice quite neighborhood.

(Sarah) 'No, no. I'm not coming down.'

'No! No, no, no. I'm not coming down.'

Squirrels. We got, uh, squirrels.

[man screaming]

[grunts]

Big, clumsy, stupid squirrels.

[knock on door]

Why, I bet that's them now.

The eagles have landed.

But the owl is still in the nest.

Hey, do I smell...

(Diane) 'Drew.'

What's going on?

Sarah's on the roof.

Oh, my God. What is she doing up there?

- Sarah honey, are you alright? - 'Yes.'

What on Earth made you wanna go up to the roof?

(Sarah) 'Drew!'

Okay, I got us into this. I can get us out of this.

Uh, Sarah, honey.

Uh, if you come down I'll tell you a story.

(Drew) 'Yeah?'

'I'm listening.'

Okay, uh, once...

...I went too high to get to my special place...

...and I got too close to the sun and my wings fell off.

And then the Tin Man came by with...

...um, some three magic beans...

- Get down from there right now! - 'No!'

Sarah, honey, you are scaring me to death.

Please, come down.

I-if this is about the kids at school teasing you

or how you need to use deodorant now.

Glad somebody finally said something.

- Hey! - 'That's it!'

(Sarah) 'That's it! Now, I'm never coming down.'

Sarah, you-you quit scaring your mother right now, young lady.

If you don't come down

I'm climbing that ladder and coming up.

Let me tell you something that roof may not hold.

(Drew) 'No! No! I'm coming down.'

Thank God.

Is this your report card?

It's really bad.

Yeah, thanks. I've been looking for that.

I hope you're not gonna hold this against us?

Hey, some cases can go a year before I see

how a family functions under pressure.

But I think your new dad here did pretty well.

Wait till dinner, Joey's gonna choke on a chicken bone

aren't you, buddy?

(Alex) 'Let me talk to the kids first'

but it's looking pretty good.

[Diane chuckles]

Oh.

Drew, thank you.

So, uh...

...if this all works out you're heading back to Vegas

I guess, uh, next we can get a divorce.

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, we should probably fight first.

- No. - Yes!

See, irreconcilable differences.

- Alright. - Whoo.

[instrumental music]

Why do I have to sit on the hump?

'Cause we called window.

Look, I can see, I can see.

Hey, Oswald, guess what I had for dinner?

What did you have, Lewis?

Oh, it's just a little seafood.

That's it! From now on, there's a wall here.

- And there's a wall here. - Guess what? I have a drill.

[imitating drill machine]

Oh, look, he forgot to put in a ceiling.

- Stop it! - Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky.