Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Oh, well, that's smart eating, Drew.

Most of the fat is in the skin.

Oh, Mimi, why you gotta be like that?

I mean, your face.

They're seat covers.

Finally saved enough money to put a down payment on a new car.

Wow, you can afford a new car?

Yup, brand new '91.

Well, what's the matter, was the old one

gettin' a little tight around the hips?

[laughing]

I'm back.

- Hey. - Hi.

I got your postcard from Atlantic city.

Looks like you and grandma had some good times.

Yeah, until grandma got drunk

and decided to talk to me like I was her girlfriend.

Oh, guess what?

Her new guy can still go out at her

like a 65 year old.

You have my mail?

Yeah, it's mostly bills

and your Victoria's Secret catalogue came

but... I lost it.

Oh.

- Did you get the new car? - Buick LeSabre.

You know, it's a little more than I wanted to spend

but at least now, when the cute

girl in the next lane laughs

at me I know it's not the car.

It'll just be me.

You didn't have to stretch yourself so thin, Drew.

Haven't you heard of deferred payments? It's great.

I don't know anything on my micro for six months.

It's not due till March first.

And I bought this TV

no payments for a year.

So, that's not due until...

...March first, uh-huh.

But, the pottery wheel

no payments for a year and a half

so I am good on this baby till March first.

Oh, my God! That's in two weeks!

Pottery wheel? Gee.

You think that would have paid for itself by now.

Oh, my God. I am so screwed. What am I gonna do?

You need money? I got three words for you.

Prisoners love panties.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Yes, this is Drew Carey's desk.

May I ask what this is regarding?

Oh, well, that's okay.

'Cause I'm his... wife.

What? Oh, how awful.

Oh, one minute, I'll go get him.

[on office speakers] Drew Carey, your bank is on the phone.

(Mimi) 'They need to talk to you'

because you bounced a check.

I repeat, you bounced a check.

I don't believe this.

[on office speakers] I bounced a check? It wasn't the one for my prostate exam?

Was it?

How could I bounce a check?

I-I just deposited a bunch of checks.

Oh, one of' em bounced, from who?

What? I don't even know a Kyra Sullivan.

Is her phone number on the check?

Thank.. Oh, you know what?

It's one of my friends must have took it

when I was having my garage sale.

Thanks, just, you know, just transfer the money

from my savings.

Yeah, I know there's a fee for that.

Yeah, I know there's a fee for this call.

What? A multiple fee fee?

Well, listen, buddy, I got a fee-fees of my own.

How about I get your fee right here, fee.

Follow up--

Well, that was rude.

Bounced check? I don't believe it.

What'd you blow all your money on?

Having your corkscrewed tail removed?

Real nice, Mimi, hit a guy while he's down.

I gotta call this woman, and get my money back.

Could you please file this paper for me?

And for once, could you be careful?

I was up all night working on

that proposal.

Oh-oh. Oh-oh-woah.

I think I'm gonna drop it.

Oh, oops.

(Mimi) 'Right into the shredder.'

Oh, lucky it wasn't...

[shredder whirring]

...on.

Oh, I forgot.

That wasn't my proposal

that was you vacation request

your medical claim forms

and, oh yeah, you finally got a letter back

from Antonio Banderas.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Up every morning ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Just to keep a job ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Through the hustling mob ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Sounds of the city ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Poundin' in my brain ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ While another day ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Goes down the drain ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows ♪

♪ And no one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's 5 o'clock me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that the world looks fine ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Holiday ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Ee-e-e yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[instrumental music]

So, you sure this

check bouncer of yours is really gonna show up?

She better show up. You think I've been sitting here

for the last hour drinking beer for nothing?

I could've been...

...well, she better show up, that's all.

Mm-hm. Could you pass the ketchup?

[chuckles] Hey, man.

I know you're in trouble but you can't

go a whole month without spending any money.

Why don't you just let me lend you a few bucks?

Hey, look at this.

What do we got here?

Roasted nuts, staples

napkins, lemons.

- Olive? - Oh.

- Give me that. - Kate.

I think, it's a good time for us to remember the story

of the grasshopper and the ant.

Wait, how'd you hear about the grasshopper and the ant?

Nobody outside of drug coast is supposed to know about that.

What do you mean? I'm talking about the Fable.

Oh, yeah, the Fable.

Genetically engineered ants and grasshoppers killed two workers.

All a big fairy tale.

Go on.

[chuckles] Guys, I don't need a lecture about money.

I maybe cash poor but I am condiment rich.

Hey, they're throwing out old meat at the "Stop and Shop."

Who's gonna give me a ride?

Old meat. Why didn't you say something?

I'll give you a ride if Drew lets us borrow the new car.

Come on, I just got it.

- Oh, please. - Come on, come on.

Alright, you can put your meat in my trunk

but don't get it mixed up with my meat.

No playing "Starsky and Hutch."

Oh, come on, we're not

gonna play "Starsky and Hutch."

Two guys and a girl, looks like

"Dukes of Hazzard" to me.

Hey, last one up on two wheels is a revenor.

- Wo-hoo. - We-hee.

Excuse me. Are you Drew Carey?

Let's see, a woman's approaching me in a bar

and it's not last call on St. Patrick's Day.

You must owe me some money.

I'm Kyra Sullivan, and I'm so sorry about this.

Yeah, and I know this must be embarrassing for you.

Let's just get it over with.

Right, I have the cash in here.

Oh.

God.

I hope, I didn't forget it.

Oh, dear. Let me retrace my steps.

Step, step, step, Warsaw door.

Step, step, step, my car.

Drive, drive, drive, my house.

Step, step, step, oh there's my earring

that doesn't help you.

Step, step, step.

Oh, hi, puppy, watch out, mommy's walking.

- Step, step-- - Okay, listen.

I only have so much time here, before we get back

to "crawl, crawl crawl."

Why don't you sit down over, and relax.

Boy, Kyra. That's an unusual name.

I knew a Kyra once, in junior high, Kyra Sims.

That's my maiden name.

Oh, my God.

I knew that name sounded familiar.

Drew, Drew Carey from junior high.

Kyra Sims.

I don't believe it, look at you, you look great.

Well, you lost a lot of weight.

Oh, and look at you.

Big as life.

What a loser way to meet you after all these years.

No, no. I'm really the one who should be apologizing to you.

Look, I know this is kinda lame, but...

...I'm really sorry, I told all those guys in seventh grade

that I got to second base with you.

It was really cool of you not to deny it.

Hey, you had more of a second base

than I did, back then.

Well, still, nice of you. I was 13.

I was tired of running the bases by myself.

[laughing]

Oh, boy, it's really good to see you again.

We had a lot of good times, back then.

Yeah, it was a full week.

My old roommate stole a whole book of my checks

and wrote them all over town.

Oh, what a jerk.

[sighing] That's not the worst part.

He was paying off gambling debts

and my address is on those checks.

These guys know where I live.

All I need is a week, and I can clear everything up

but... until then I'm scared to go home.

Wow, that's terrible.

Hey, uh, look, I never thought I'd ever say this

but, uh why don't you lay low

at my place till the heat dies down...

...baby.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah, if you don't mind sleeping on a lumpy couch.

Oh, wait a-what kind of gentleman am I?

Here, listen, I'll take the lumpy couch

and you can have the lumpy bed.

This is so great.

Oh, before I forget, let me write you

a good check of my other account.

Oh, you know, I should've asked you this

before I asked you to stay with me.

You're not still married, or anything, are you?

Oh, no. I dumped my old man a long time ago.

Wow, you dumped your old man

and now you're shacking up with me till the heat dies down.

(Lewis) Hey, Drew.

Everything is fine. The car drives great.

Boy, those airbags really come at you, don't they?

[instrumental music]

- Good morning. - Hey, you're up early.

Yeah, I forgot to reset your alarm again.

By the way, I'm impressed.

Clocks that run on potatoes.

Potatoes, they taste good

they're a natural source of power.

Try running anything on stuffing.

Actually, I'm going down to where my old roommate works

and I'm gonna give him hell about stealing those checks.

Where does he work?

At a toll booth on Ohio turnpike.

Tollbooth, huh?

You know some way I always wondered about those--

There's porta potty on the side of the road.

Oh.

You know, it's really sweet of you to give me your bedroom

but why don't you just use the other bedroom?

Oh, I've figured you kinda needed your privacy

besides at night, my-my body is kind of an orchestra.

You know, I just get more and more attracted to you.

[sighs] Well, I better get going.

Oh, wait.

I wanna show you something, it's the valentine you gave me

when we were in the seventh grade.

See, the two skunk's tails form the top of the heart there?

"Would you be my valentine, you little stinker?"

Oh, that is so cute.

Hey, wait a minute, you haven't been like, carrying that around

in your wallet all this time, have you?

No, of course not, I keep it pinned to my underwear.

I'll never forget what you wrote inside here, I...

...think it's one of the sweetest things

anybody have ever said to me.

"I don't think you're fat."

I still don't.

Hey, Kyra, you know what?

Since we're already, you know, like, living together, uh...

...why don't we go out tonight?

You know, like, on a date.

[sighs] Okay, but I get to make the plans.

Pick me up at my place.

♪ Oh Kyra ♪

♪ Well you came and you wrote me a bad check ♪

♪ But you paid me right back oh Kyra ♪

♪ You were gone you lost weight ♪

♪ But you're back now ♪

♪ And we got a hot date ♪

♪ Oh Kyra! ♪

♪ I've been waiting for someone like you now ♪

♪ Where the hell is my car ♪

♪ It's not there ♪

♪ It was parked and it's gone ♪

♪ Now it's stolen ♪

♪ It's the story of my life oh Buick ♪

♪ You were here and you left without warning ♪

♪ Now I'm walking to work... ♪

Yeah, hi, it's Drew Carey.

Yeah, listen, I just bought a car from you

and I don't even have the paper work yet and now it's stolen.

Yeah, '91 blue color Saber. Phew.

Repossessed?

No, look, my down payment check

couldn't have bounced. That's impossible.

The only way it could have bounced is that the women

who wrote me the check and it didn't clear.

I'll call you right back.

[sighs]

Yeah, grandma, it's Drew.

Listen, you know those new teeth I helped you buy?

Yeah, I can hear them chattering, sound great.

Listen, uh, no matter who comes to your door today

don't open your mouth.

[instrumental music]

Listen, everybody, I know you are used to big fancy cars

for your executive car pool and I had one, I swear.

I'm gonna get it back.

But in the mean time

hey, how many of you have ridden

in a real delivery truck before, huh?

Let's see a show of hands.

Come on, it's not my fault no one else had a car available.

[dogs barking]

Up, here comes our delivery man.

Scooch in a little, will ya there?

There were hounds!

You didn't tell me there were hounds.

I forgot.

Damn, it's freezing in here.

Hello, Bean. Bet there's somethin' warm in here.

- Hey, hey, don't do that! - Mittens!

(Oswald) 'Those are women's mittens, Mr. Wick.'

Well, considering where my testicles are at the moment

I think I qualify.

You know what my problem is?

Slow metabolism?

No, I believe the best of people.

- I trust people. - Yeah.

Here we are, hey, buddy, you mind, uh

runnin' this up, uh, onto that house for me?

Why what's wrong with this place?

Nothing, trust me.

Okay.

Alright then, out with it.

What's the problem at this stop?

This is no problem but, uh,

you see that beautiful woman Drew's talkin' to.

- Hm. - It's a guy.

And some would say little overly affectionate.

Oh, that's a lovely idea but I'm sure

when Carey gets up close he'll see it's a man.

No, he didn't!

[laughing]

Wow, thanks, buddy.

Talk about gorgeous, man.

My date should kiss me so good.

Yeah.

Jack's in a real good mood

when he get's his estrogen.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Phew, man. What a day?

Kyra is probably a thousand miles away by now.

Can't get my car back without a cashier's check.

Thanks for giving me a ride home, Kate.

Hey, what are friends for? I mean, what do we use?

Maybe three four gallons of gas at what?

Buck 28 gallon.

And my time is certainly not worth

more than 10 bucks an hour.

And that would come to...

...21.50.

But you're a friend, let's call it 20 even.

Fine.

What, no tip?

Wait, wait, Drew. I know what you need. A bounty hunter.

For 50 bucks, I'll cover the state and find her for you.

Yeah, if you can find her, I'll give you a 100.

- Hey, Drew. - Found her.

That'll be a hundred bucks.

You're still here, you got a lot of nerve.

Yeah, if Hickory Farms wasn't givin' out free samples

in 10 minutes, I'd give you a piece of my mind.

Give her hell, Drew.

What happened?

What do you want, lady? The pup is dry.

Oh, I know what you want. My change.

Oh, no, my second check bounced.

Oh, God, Drew, I'm so sorry.

That bastard roommate of mine must have taken

checks from both accounts.

Oh, yeah, the evil roommate.

Let me guess, this evil roommate of yours

can he change shapes and become you, for example?

Let me tell you, Drew, your anger is misplaced.

No, no, no, no. My car is misplaced.

My money is misplaced. My trust is misplaced.

But my anger is, nothin' but net.

Oh, wow!

I wanted it to be romantic.

It was supposed to be our first date.

Ribs and ham.

Wow, you made everything I like.

And no vegetables.

Actually, I did make vegetables.

Beer-Battered Broccoli.

Wow, you can hardly taste the broccoli.

Wait. I get it.

I eat this, I get sleepy, next thing, you know

I wake up in a cargo ship, part of some

chubby white guy slave trade thing you got goin' on.

And here I thought it was so smooth.

[scoffs] But you got me, Drew.

You know what a middle management guy

of your size goes for these days?

Oh, we'll make millions!

[knock on door]

Oh, man, I wrote a check

for girl's scout cookies last week.

It's probably one of their goons.

Is Kyra Sullivan here?

- Now, who are you? - I'm her old roommate.

What? Wait a second, there really was an old roommate?

Yeah, and he's plenty ticked off.

You think that was funny?

Parking your car in my toll booth today?

I could have called the cops but technically

you weren't in Pennsylvania or Ohio.

Wait a second, there really was an old roommate?

You're the reason that I lost my car.

You're the reason my grandma lost her teeth.

You're the reason I kissed a man, full on the mouth.

I'm bouncing checks all over town because of you.

I think you owe both of us some money.

Oh, yeah. Or what are you gonna do?

Whatever it takes to make me look like less of an idiot

for not believing Kyra here.

You know, I may not be able to beat you up.

I may not even be able to stop you from beatin' me up.

But I know a woman with stubble who would walk through fire

for me and she'd kick you ass.

You are insane.

Insane? You wanna see insane?

That was my dinner. Now I'm really mad!

Okay, okay.

Here, drive safely and have a nice day.

I didn't mean that.

Just force of habit.

And another thing, tow boy

how come those links don't start

till three hundred yards after the booth?

It's like a demolition derby out there, huh?

Thanks for standing up for me.

[Kyra sighs]

I hope I can kiss as good as that man.

Almost.

[instrumental music]

♪ Oh Kyra are you here ♪

♪ Are you makin' my breakfast ♪

♪ Where the hell is my couch oh Kyra ♪

- Hey, Drew. - All my furniture's gone.

I told you he'd notice

That Kyra. She's the sweetest, you know.

She felt so bad about bouncing that second check

she wanted to give you somethin', so she's havin'

all your furniture reupholstered.

- Yeah. - Even the coffee table?

I guess she's having it refinished.

- 'Yeah.' - And my stereo?

What is this, a test?

She ripped me off, don't you get it?

She took everything, she robbed me!

It's, everything's gone.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

If she ripped you off, why is your TV still here?

Oh, Gee, why would someone take a 70 year old TV

where you have to use pliers to change the channel.

Oh, man, she even took the pliers.

Gee, and they seemed like such nice people.

- Yeah. - They?

Yeah, her and her brother.

You-you know, coming to think of it, he was pretty in shape

for a guy who worked at a toll booth.

Oh, my God. He was in on it.

It was all a big con. How can I be so stupid?

How am I gonna find these people?

We're sorry, we let 'em get away with it.

But at least one of us was on the ball.

She dropped her wallet and something told me

maybe I should hold on to this.

[laughs]

Hey, I never said this when I was sobered.

- But Oswald, you are a genius. - Yeah.

And there's all kinds of ID in here.

I mean, there's five Social Security Cards alone.

And-and eight driver's licenses...

Hey, Kate! It's Kate.

Hey, you're finally getting your floor buffed.

That's one way of puttin' it. Yeah.

Hey, I got good news too.

I went to the bank and consolidated all my debts

into one big loan, only 21% interest

no payments for a year.

Hey, it's the idiot's club, welcome.

Hey, I found this note from Kyra on your door.

"Dear, Drew, I'm sorry.

"I feel real crappy conning you like this.

"But I'm my own boss and the hours are good.

"I'll always remember the special times we had

"in the fifth grade at that place.

"That time you said those nice things.

Always Kyra Sims."

I thought she spelt Simms with two M's not one.

She did.

And we didn't meet in fifth grade.

We didn't together until seventh grade.

Oh, my God, she's not even the same person I thought it was.

She's a total stranger.

I slept with a stranger.

Hey, I slept with a stranger.

Boy, how bad did she need furniture, huh?

[knock on door]

Coming.

- Are you Drew Carey? - Yes, sir.

Did you have some furniture stolen?

You're a detective, right?

Well, be thankful you engraved your name on all your stuff.

'Cause we found it on a truck that had a

little accident pulling out of a toll booth.

Ha, I told you they didn't start those lanes soon enough.

Can you identify the suspects?

'Cause if you can, you're in line for a reward, Mr. Carey.

See, I knew something good was gonna come out of all of this.

- How much? - Fifty bucks.

Fifty bucks, really? Oh, it's great!

I-I'll be right up, thanks very much.

Thanks, thank you, bye-bye, thank you.

Did you hear that?

The insurance company would have gave my $5000

for my old crappy stuff but I'm not gettin' it, instead

I'm gettin' all my old crappy stuff back plus 50 bucks.

I'm screwed again!

Drew, this only happened 'cause you're one of the most

wonderful caring, trusting people in the world.

Sure once in a while, you're gonna get burned.

You're gonna loose your car. Your furniture.

Your dignity.

But hey, look on the bright side

we got a great place to play soccer inside.

[crackling]

More good news, Drew.

I'm on your team and we just scored.

[whistling]

Oh-oh.

Oh.

Oh, listen up, I know what you're thinkin'.

I-I told them it was a fable, huh?

Oh, no, don't get mad at me.

So I'm guessin' you'll be at the company picnic?

Hey, it was just a joke.