Original subtitles

- You wanted to see me, Drew? - Yeah, Hank. Come on in, have a seat.

- So, how are things on the security beat? - Oh, I can't complain.

You know, I'm just a foot soldier in the war on shoplifting.

Yeah.

So, listen, Hank. Remember last week when I fired you?

I just wanted to call you in to remind you that you're fired.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are. Hank, come on, listen.

You gotta stop coming to work. You make the new guy nervous.

It's his hat. You gotta give it back.

Well, you may have fired me, Drew. But you see, I'm not really fired.

It takes two people to do a firing. And I didn't agree.

Besides, I got a wife to support.

- I thought you were divorced. - Well, she's divorced, I'm not.

Hank, please. You know, I don't like to do this, but it's my job.

I had to fire you. You were overzealous with all the customers.

No, I wasn't.

You told a 79-year-old woman to

"kick the cane over here and eat tile.”

Hey, Drew, that's our policy: Trust no one.

The minute you enter the store, you give up all your rights.

There's two things wrong with that.

First of all, that's not our policy, and second of all, you're fired!

No, I'm not.

Hey, Drew, about that $10 I owe you. I'll pay you next week.

You said you'd have it today.

Well, I don't have it. I can't pay you money I don't have.

All right. Let's see your wallet.

Excuse me?

Let's see if you have the money. Open your wallet.

- Hey, back off, old timer, okay? - Open it.

- No. - Open it.

- I don't have it. - Yes, you do.

Why am I arguing with you? Weren't you fired? Didn't...

Well, if I'm fired, then I'm not really here.

So it's gonna be nobody kicking your ass all around this office in two minutes.

I'm not doing this 'cause I'm afraid.

Yes, you are.

Okay.

- Here, Hank. Sign right here. - What for?

I'm transferring you over to collections. You start tomorrow.

You can't do that to me. I'm one of Sally Mae Cosmetics' best reps.

Oh, yeah?

I'd like to see you try and repossess my makeup case.

You'll have to pry it from my dead, cold hands.

Hey, Mimi. I don't see Drew. Is he here?

Trust me. If he was here, you'd see him no matter which way you look.

Now, get out of my face before I catch a bad case of the stupids.

Always a pleasure, ma'am.

Oh, wait a minute.

Come back here, Handsome and Handsomer.

Hey, hold on. Nobody calls us handsome. This must be a trick.

Oh, I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.

I thought you were two other idiots that I don't like.

It's not a trick. Come on.

Well, as you know, I'm a sales rep for Sally Mae Cosmetics.

More like a billboard.

Well, here's something you need.

Our new line of cologne. I can give it to you for $10.

Oh. Hey, how come it says "sample"?

Oh, it doesn't. It's French. It's called "Sam-play.”

I don't know.

Well, buy it now, get it cheap while the FDA drags its feet on approval.

Oh. I'll take it.

Oh, by the way...

Sally Mae is not responsible for loss of vision, kidney failure, birth defects.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Kate. Get ready to smell something wonderful.

I'm not gonna pull anything.

No. It's a French cologne called "Sam-play.”

Wait till you get a load of this.

You ever smell a cigar that's been sitting in a urinal?

Oh, I get it.

This is one of the pranks you're gonna play on Drew for his birthday.

Not bad.

But stand back, ‘cause this year I have outdone myself.

You finally found a way to top last year's "Hey, Drew. Look over there."

Oh, boy.

I thought we'd never recover from that one.

[laughing] Ouch!

Alright, I know I've come up

with some pretty lousy stuff in the past

but not this time.

Before I show you my trick...

...would anyone like a stick of gum?

Du-u-u-h, okay. It's not too spicy, is it? Huh?

All right. What do you have that's so great?

How about an entire day of practical jokes?

First, we're gonna reset his scale to make him think he's gained 30 pounds.

And then we're gonna let out his pants to make him think he lost 30 pounds.

Here he comes.

Hey, guess what? I'm getting a promotion.

Hey, congratulations.

Yeah. I'm gonna be the new Regional Personnel Director

for all three Winfred-Louder stores.

- Hey. Way to go. - Congratulations.

That's exactly how I want you to react when I actually get the promotion.

You see, we just had this meeting

and I offered to update all the Winfred-Louder training videos.

If I do a good job, I'm a shoo-in. All I need now is an A-Okay on the money.

[Drew sniffing]

What reeks in here?

I don't know.

Boy, it's about time someone changed those training films.

They look like they were made in the '50s.

Yeah. I've seen those films.

They've always got those guys with the skinny ties

and the crew cuts and the big glasses.

[Oswald laughing]

That's right, buddy. I'm saying, you look stupid.

Well, I won't look so stupid when I'm Regional Personnel Director.

For once I'm gonna celebrate my birthday by getting ahead.

Since Denny's got rid of that free meal thing, I got nothing.

Why don't you guys go down to lunch without me.

I'll meet you there and we'll celebrate.

- All right. - Okay, bud.

Hello?

Oh, yeah. You have an answer for me on the money for those training videos?

What do you mean you have to inform me by registered mail?

You're two cubicles away.

Oh, yeah, well how about this for company policy?

I can hit you with a stapler from here.

Oh, I got the money? Thank you, sir.

By the way, Up-Your-Butt called. He wants your head back.

- Hey, Drew. Can I talk to you for a minute? - Yeah, sure. Sit down.

This is kind of hard for me to talk about.

I think my boss might be coming on to me, and I'm not sure what to do.

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was staring at your breasts.

This is sexual harassment, and I'm Drew Carey.

It's important to define what is and isn't appropriate behavior in the workplace.

The difference can be something as subtle as tone of voice.

For example.

Yes, ma'am, you wanted a package delivered?

Yeah, just one question. Can I get it overnight?

No problem there.

But change the tone of voice, and...

Yes, ma'am, you wanted a package delivered?

Yeah, just one question. Can I get it overnight?

I don't know.

If I can't get it overnight, can you guarantee it by morning?

She stopped talking about a real package a long time ago.

Obviously, that crosses a line.

Another tricky area is physical contact.

In the course of a normal day, we touch many people:

shaking hands, pat on the back, brushing lint off a shoulder. All perfectly innocent.

But there's right touching and wrong touching.

Excuse me. Your hair clip's falling out.

Right touching.

Excuse me. Your hair clip's...

falling.

Wrong touching.

Hey, buddy. You're fired.

It's important to remember that

you have the right to put a stop to this kind of behavior

even if it's your boss.

Good afternoon, Ms. Bobeck.

I have a bottle of Rothschild '67 back at my place and I was wondering--

Hold it. Stop the camera.

- Sir, what are you doing? - Connery. Sean Connery.

That's very good

but I think it's important to keep things a little more real.

Oh, say no more. I'll do Michael Caine.

All the birds adore me, ‘cause I've got sensitive eyes and wavy hair.

If you close your eyes, you'd think that was Michael Caine himself

throwing my promotion down the toilet.

All right, I'll do it your way. Pardon me for having range.

Try one more time.

About your raise, Ms. Bobeck.

Why don't I pick up some wine and we go to a cheap motel to discuss this further?

Let's go to my place. I got beers.

Hold it.

Mimi, you're supposed to say no.

You try looking in those eyes and say no.

Okay, that's it.

I need some cooperation.

I got another video to shoot. The store opens in an hour.

- Mimi, just do the line right this time. - Fine.

I'm sorry, sir, but your behavior is making me feel uncomfortable.

I think that'd be a little more convincing if you took your hand off my bum.

Just keep rolling. We'll cut that out.

I will not go to your motel, but I will file a complaint against you.

And if that doesn't stop you, I could take you to court. That's right.

Sexual harassment is a crime. And it's against the law.

And you don't have to take it.

You could sue, or if you have to, let your knee be the judge.

This is the best part.

This has been a Winfred-Louder/Drew Carey Production.

Very powerful, Drew. I laughed, I cried, I felt harassed.

I have to hurry up and get to work. I'm showing these to the board at 9:00.

Which means that they should be carrying me on their shoulders

to my new executive offices by 10:30...

which should be easy, because check this out.

My pants are loose. I'm losing weight.

Losing weight, you say? How much have you lost?

- Have you weighed yourself? - On your scale?

Well, what am I gonna believe? My pants or some silly scale?

I think it must have been that sit-up.

Guys, what's with the pranks? It's not his birthday till tomorrow.

That's just a coming attraction. Tomorrow he wakes up in a little, tiny bed.

Wait till you see the midgets we hired to play us.

Not bad. But my prank is gonna blow yours away.

Check out what I did to Drew's office safety video.

Hi. I'm Drew Carey.

And the next few minutes could save your life.

You know, a lot of people think that office safety is just a bunch of hot air.

Here it comes.

Well, here at Winfred-Louder, we lake it seriously.

Let's face it. Accidents happen.

Oh, my God. Where are the sounds?

I put in sounds.

I went to this guy's recording studio and put in funny sounds.

What do you mean, like snoring or train whistles

or that exciting sound a squirrel makes when you chase him around a pole?

What? Worse. Much worse.

And if I've got this tape, that means Drew has my tape.

Oh, my God.

Thank you for seeing me, and for the opportunity

to show you the next generation of human resource training films.

What's wrong with the films we use now?

Well, with all due respect, Mrs. Louder, they're kind of out of date.

I mean, nowadays women are allowed to wear slacks

and men can have beards

and the quote-unquote nancy boys are now some of our best salesmen.

Mrs. Louder, I'm not gonna make any bones about it.

I want Owen's job.

Carey, I like this side of you.

Let me get it, Mrs. Louder. Let me. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

- Hello? - This is Kate O'Brien. Is Drew Carey there?

Carey, it's Kate O'Brien for you.

I can't believe she called me here. Tell her I'll call her back.

- Don't play the tape. - Busy. Bye.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, after seeing this...

I'm sure you'll view me in a whole new light.

Hi. I'm Drew Carey.

And the next few minutes could save your life.

You know, a lot of people think that office safety is just a bunch of hot air.

Well, here at Winfred-Louder, we lake it seriously.

Let's face it. Accidents happen.

You'd be surprised how many happen right here in the office every day.

From the computer monitor to your pencil sharpener...

danger lurks everywhere.

This could have been a real problem.

An overloaded surge protector could start an electrical fire.

Let me guess, Carey. You shot this after lunch.

I'm sorry. I'll turn it off right away.

Oh, Carey, put a cork in it.

I'm enjoying this.

Scissors. Letter openers.

Staplers.

Don't run with any of them.

And that's just in the cubicle.

Let's take a walk around the office and see if we can find any other hidden dangers.

For example, let me show you the right way and the wrong way

- to pick up a water cooler bottle. - Not the water cooler.

First, never bend at the waist.

Instead, let your lower body do the work. Bend at the knees, slowly.

Yeah. That feels good. I don't think I ripped anything.

In case any of you have any heart conditions

I should warn you in the next scene I climb the ladder.

Turn it up!

Pretty embarrassing about the video yesterday, Carey?

Especially on the day before your birthday.

I don't know if this will be of any help

but... surprise!

Wow! Thank you, sir. You didn't have to do that.

Oh! It's my pleasure.

Now, maybe you'd like to uh, blow out the candles.

[all laughing]

You'd think they have better things to do!

- Hey, happy birthday! - Happy birthday.

Oswald. Lewis. Get out.

What did we do?

Made me the laughing stock of the store, that's what you did.

No one's gonna take me seriously now.

There's no way in hell I'll get the promotion.

What, did you think that was going to be funny?

Well, it would have been if you'd played it at your party like you were supposed to.

You? You did this to me?

Hey! Look at the bright side.

There's not a woman in this building

who won't be looking at your butt as you walk by.

Oh, even as I was saying it, I knew it was wrong.

Look, Drew, this will all blow over. Just...

put it behind you and don't look back.

Don't blame Kate for ruining your presentation.

She was just trying to keep up with us.

What kind of hell are you guys gonna put me through?

I'd better not wake up with another naked dummy of my mother.

Don't worry, buddy. After all you've been through

- we've called off all the rest of the pranks. - Yeah, all right.

I gotta figure out a way to get back some respect so I can get that job.

Or at least get people to quit following me around with matches.

Why don't you guys go to lunch without me.

I've been munching on this all day.

Okay, buddy.

If you don't think that's an improvement, you're wrong.

Blow it out your butt when it's not busy.

Did you come in here to make the worst day of my life worse

or do you have something work-related to discuss?

Well, face it. You're not going nowhere. You're gonna be in this cubicle forever.

You better start sucking up to the kid in the mail room with the dead eyes

‘cause he's gonna be moving up to the top of this company before you.

No, he won't, damn it.

Judy? Yeah, put Mrs. Louder on. It's Drew Carey.

Drew. In personnel.

Yeah, that's right. Gassy Carey.

Thank you.

Oh, Mrs. Louder? Yeah, listen, I know you're in the middle of a big meeting

but I insist.

No, I am asking if I can come down and address the board

for just a couple minutes.

No, I don't have any more funny videos. Thank you.

I'll show that kid in the mail room.

Today is not just my birthday.

Today is the day I show Winfred-Louder that I am no fool.

Oh, damn it. Oswald and Lewis.

Oswald, how could you leave that cake in your truck all morning?

You knew it was made of tofu.

Well, Drew didn't seem to notice. And what's the problem if it got a little warm?

The problem is, wherever Drew just went

he's armed with about a quart of spoiled bean curd in his belly.

Hi. Good afternoon. And, just thanks for seeing me.

Are you going to burp the alphabet today?

No. No, I'm not.

Actually, yesterday just wasn't one of my better days.

Somebody played a childish prank on me.

But, you know, you have my word that

something like that is never, ever gonna happen again.

So?

You know, this is crazy. Here I am trying to ask you to take me seriously

when what I should be doing is showing you my record.

Which is down in my office. I'll be back in just 10 minutes.

Mr. Carey, don't move.

If you have something to say, say it now.

Okay, if I'm gonna stay, then I'm gonna sit.

‘Cause, I always wanted to sit...

in one of these chairs.

Okay, then. Let's cut to the chase.

I think I'm qualified for this job and I think I deserve it.

Notwithstanding that little prank, which pretty much blew up in your face...

we think you're the man for the job.

Oh, my God. Really? You're kidding?

You are our new regional manager.

All right. Well, thank you.

In title only, and only for the next 30 days.

We're closing one of our stores and the other one's

accidentally burning down next month.

You're getting a new parking space, a token raise

- and a hearty pat on the back. - l wouldn't do that.

- Congratulations. - Thanks.

Well, I guess there's nothing else for me to do

but to rush out of here and prove to you

that you chose the right man for the job.

Here I go.

Board room looks great.

Are those new ceiling tiles? ‘Cause, boy, let me tell you...

How about those Cavaliers?

Could someone get the door for me?

Carey, you dropped your wallet.

It's yours.

Hey, you. Minimum wage.

Minimum wage plus 5 cents, thank you.

- You from UPS? - No, ma'am. I'm with Global Parcel.

Oh, good. Let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.

Just get it to Spain.

Well, actually, Global only serves Ohio and Indiana.

But, I can get it to the Pennsylvania border

and then we can give it over to Worldwide Parcel.

- And they can get it to Spain? - No, they can get it to Jersey.

Then we give it to Universal. They're the big boys.

They can get it to Bermuda.

- And then what? - Well, do you know anybody in Bermuda?