Original subtitles

What do you mean you don't have it?

It says here, "Beauty Supply Store."

Oh, well, maybe this will jar your memory.

[air horn blaring]

[clears throat]

Excuse me.

I am on the phone doing very important business, lady.

Do you know how hard it is to get somebody

to refill my keg of dippity-do?

Oh, great, they hung up.

What the hell do you want, Miss Buttinski?

Mommy.

Oh, crap.

Mother Wick, why don't you wait in my office?

If you need to settle your nerves

there's a little brandy hidden under the scotch.

[laughing]

That's it, Mimi.

Th-this attitude of yours

this wild make-up, your outrageous manner of dress.

Oh, you noticed, did you?

Yes, I did.

And I want you to take your lunch hour

and go home, remove all that make-up.

[gasps]

Change your clothes...

...find a new outfit, and come back here

looking like a professional.

I don't think I heard you.

You can't represent me

at the front desk looking the way you do.

Perhaps if we were

"Winfred Louder-Barnum and Bailey."

Hey, there is nothing wrong with my make-up

or my clothes.

You're just used to seeing people who don't care.

Look around.

These people threw themselves together in 20-minutes tops.

I get up at dawn to look this good.

So that's what scares the moon away.

[laughing]

Hey, ain't your fight, hedgehog.

That's enough, Mimi.

I'm reassigning you until you're ready to conform.

Carey, what's the worst job in this dorm?

I've already got it, sir.

Carey?

Uh, I guess it would be

re-organizing the archives in the sub-basement.

That's it, then.

Unless, you're willing to reconsider.

C'mon, Mimi, you don't wanna go down there.

You can adjust, just cut it down to one coat.

Forget it.

I'm not changing for anybody.

You're not gonna break me, Wick.

I can do time in the hole standing on my head.

I'm experiencing mixed emotions here, sir.

Half of me is sad and the other half

wants to beat the hell out of that half for being sad.

Permission to dance a jig, sir?

Neither of us wants to see that, Carey.

Now, just find me replacement for Mimi.

Right away, sir.

Excuse me.

Forgot something.

Uh, just a note, sir, while she's down there

you might wanna get her a tire to play with.

[theme music]

♪ Moon over Parma ♪

♪ Bring my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland ♪

♪ Underneath your silver light ♪

♪ We're going bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

Hey, what are you doin' behind the bar?

Ah, Tim had to run some errands

and he wanted to put someone responsible in charge

that he can trust.

Aah. Go pick a fight so I can pull the gun.

Wait a minute, I've always wanted to do this.

Ah, one Buzz Beer, comin' up.

Look, I'm Tom Cruise.

You're supposed to twirl it then open it

- Oh. - Like this way.

[glass shattering]

That was a 30 year old bottle of scotch, anyway.

Yeah.

You lose. You buy.

Not fair, I wasn't wearing my cup.

Hey, what you guys doing back there?

Oh, Tim asked us to watch the bar.

So, what'll you have?

- I'll have a gin and tonic. - Okay.

What's in that?

We know.

[indistinct chattering]

Oh, forget, I'll have a Buzz Beer.

Make that two Buzz Beers.

Okay. Why don't you go down to the end of bar?

- Come on, I'm right here. - Come on.

I wanna slide it to you.

Alright, but be careful.

[glass shattering]

Okay, we're on the honor system.

Hey, watch it, pal.

Ah, I'm-I'm sorry, man. It was an accident.

Yeah, like your face is gonna have an accident when my fist.

Hey, whoa, whoa, it's alright, it's not worth fighting.

He spilled my beer all over me.

Yeah, well you know, you're asking for it standing there.

Minding you own business and all.

Here, why don't you take my beer?

- Hey, thanks, man. - Yeah.

- Don't I know you? - Yeah, it took you long enough.

Man, Drew, you haven't aged a bit since high school.

You still look like you're 40.

You're bad, bad, Simon Tate.

Wow, I didn't recognize you without my underwear

pulled over my head.

Hey, you guys remember Simon Tate?

- Hey, you're Lewis. - Yeah.

Yeah and uh... I'm not sure if I recognize you.

Let me give you a hint.

Help, help me!

Oh, God.

- Hey, Oswald. - Yeah.

Yeah and you're Kate, right?

Flatsy, flatsy, you're flat and that's that.

Yeah.

Congratulations, you've got something going on there now.

Hey, look about that, you know

I was kind of a jerk in high school

'you know, my parents were breaking up and all?'

I wasn't handling it very well, but that's just a reason

it's not an excuse so, look I-I wouldn't blame you

if one of you guys just want to take a shot at me right now.

Lewis, come on, settle down, that was ages ago.

Yeah, but I can still taste that urinal cake.

'Yeah, I'm really really sorry about that, you know.'

Uh, if I'd any money, I'd buy you all a beer.

Aah! Ha-ha!

You're poor.

Lewis, you drove over here in AMC Matador.

Shut up.

Look, uh, it's been a lot of water under the bridge

so, why don't you sit down

and tell us what you've been up to?

Well, uh, I went to California, did a stint in the navy.

Uh, came back 'cause my mom took a fall and effected her memory.

Actually I shouldn't even be here tonight

'cause uh, I'm grounded.

Oh, hey, there's the manager.

I gotta give him my resume.

Man, you know, you-you learn to use the computer

you sharpen up your office skills

and, you end up begging to be a bus boy.

I hope you get it.

You know, I'm glad I'm gonna get a chance

to make things up to you guys, you know.

This might sound a little corny, but uh...

...it's time I get a few checks in my "Done good box."

Wow.

Has he changed?

I always thought he'd grow up to be a murderer.

Or something in the murdering field.

I can't believe I'm saying this

but I actually feel sorry for the guy.

Yeah, he almost saved my neck a couple of minutes ago.

Hard to believe that's the same guy

who made me a nervous wreck for four years.

- Four years, Drew? - Yes.

My first day of freshman year he told me

he was gonna kill me on my last day of senior year.

[chuckles]

Every time I saw him in the hall

he was like, "A thousand eighty days, Drew."

"Eight hundred more days, Drew."

Worst part was he didn't graduate so I'll get calls

at college, "As soon as I pass Algebra, Drew."

Shh.

- Hey, uh, how'd it go? - Hey, it went great.

It's in the bag, man. I can't wait to tell mom.

Uh, hey, listen, before you call her, how's your typing skills?

Well, 95, a 100 words a minute, why?

Well, I'm in personnel over Winfred-Louder

and I'm looking to replace an executive secretary.

- You interested? - What?

Hey, everybody deserves a second chance.

Hey, I won't let you down, Drew. I know all that stuff.

I used to be in the steno pool on the navy.

Isn't that a girly job?

[instrumental music]

Drew, Simon doesn't know where to file the vacation request.

- Have you seen Mimi? - Nobody's seen her for a week.

Is she still doing time down on the sub-basement?

Do you know the number down there?

There's no phone. You have to use this pneumatic tube.

They put someone down in the bowels

of this store without a phone?

I won't worry about Mimi.

Word is, someone's been killing all the alligators down there.

I heard that the cheese disappeared

from all the mouse traps.

So, now she has crackers.

Drew, we have a problem.

What's in the bag, Chuck? A head?

Yeah.

Mimi did this to half the mannequins in the store

and now she's missing.

I think she might be losing the duct system.

I hear she asked you if she can live on drywall.

I'm worried, Drew.

We have a disgruntled employee

down there that's bent on revenge.

And she's dangerously close to the store's operations room.

Oh, God help us. She's found the fuse box.

Hey, boss, you're gonna have to find somebody to cover for me

this afternoon, I'm going golfing with Wick.

You going golfing with the boss?

Boy, you're moving up quick.

I'm not even allowed to talk to him outside the building.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm the big man on campus again.

Man, this is just like at high school.

This is the best job I've ever had.

Simon, what's my little bulldog doing away from the phone?

- Arf. - Ooh.

[laughing]

Ooh, Simon.

Brilliant choice to replace Mimi, Carey.

It's nice not to be visually assaulted

when I step out of my office.

Hey, hey, Drew, look here.

[laughing]

Ah, just like when we were kids, huh?

I'm just kidding, little buddy. Here you go.

Ah, you might wanna watch that, Simon.

Peewee is kind of sensitive about his height.

Ah, ha, no, no. I tease him, he laughs.

Well, this is a place of business

so just take it easy, okay?

Okay. You got it, boss.

Hey, hey, going somewhere?

I wish to clean up now.

Okay, where's your dollar?

Please, I wish to clean up now.

Oh, you haven't heard the new rules?

Yeah, Mr. Wick, yeah you need a dollar to get into his office.

Simon, what are you doing?

Hey, don't look at me, Mr. Wick said he didn't want

all kinds of people going in and out of his office.

Okay, thanks.

Hope you get a dollar to get out.

Si-Simon, you can't take money from the cleaning people.

Yeah, I'll give it back to him later, I'm just having fun.

- Well, give it back to him now. - I think I said later, Drew.

I'm trying to have fun.

You're not trying to ruin my fun, are you, Drew?

No. No. No.

'Cause that would be a mistake.

Yeah, I was just gonna say, "Hey, why don't we go downstairs

and beat the hell out of that guy with the wandering eye?"

Hey, hey, I know the one you're talking about, come on.

Max, don't ask any questions

just put on your dark glasses and take your break, now.

Don't stay too late, Drew.

There's been Mimi sightings all over the store.

Did you see what happened to the make-up counter?

That was no boding accident.

Give it a break, everyone's going crazy around here.

Hey, pig. Welcome to Mimisoft, download this.

Eww.

How did she scan that?

So, she got into a couple of computers, big deal.

(Mimi) 'Heal, Antonio.'

Mimi?

It's time for dinner, Antonio.

I hope you're not on a fat-free diet.

[screaming]

Oh, man. In my own dream I made a fat-free joke about myself.

(Mimi) 'Drew?'

It's a dream within a dream.

I gotta get out of here.

Oh, it's not a dream.

'Drew?'

Mimi, where are you?

'Over here.'

- Where? - 'Here.'

- Marco. - 'Polo.'

- Marco. - 'Polo.'

Mimi, how long you're gonna stay down there?

Why don't you come back up?

(Mimi) 'And give in to Wick? No way.'

'I just wish it wasn't so dark down here.'

'I'm so lonely.'

'Oh, I forgot to tell ya.'

[babbling]

What? I can-I can- I can't hear you.

[babbling continues]

Mimi? Mimi, you're fadin' out.

'Come closer, I'm so weak.'

What is it?

[Mimi laughing]

It's okay, Mimi. I can forgive you for that.

Because I got a...

[screaming]

'Missed, send down a donut.'

I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, let alone a donut.

Where's all my candy bars?

Si-Simon, are those my candy bars?

Nope.

Come on, Simon. I'm sure those are my candy bars.

No. But I let you watch' em while I go to the Jon.

And uh, if anybody touches these candy bars...

...heads are gonna roll.

Ah, I'll show him.

Touch, touch, touch.

Simon, Simon.

Oh, good, he's gone.

Mr. Wick, you're here, gotta need to talk to you.

No time, he'll be back soon.

But wait, you don't like Simon anymore, either? Good.

'Cause I think it's time for you to let him go.

I'd love to fire him, but, uh, you have to.

I-I can't, I've got slender wrists

uh, that's actually the Wick code of arms.

"Two slender wrists against the field of heather."

Oh, really?

Well, the Carey code of arms is a guy

ducking behind a guy with slender wrists.

You fire him.

Look, you're the one that recommended him

plus he's made an ungodly mess of the files.

I need Mimi to come back up here and reorganize everything.

I don't care what she looks like, just get her back up here.

We-hee. Look what I found.

Show some spine, Carey.

Fire him.

Hey, you're pretty fast on those slender ankles.

[upbeat music]

Okay, Speedy, this is Skipper

Bee, Shakespeare, Casset, Sky and Rockford.

Guys, this is Drew's dog, Speedy.

He's new in the neighborhood

he's little bit different from you

but he can run, bark, bite and sniff butt

as good as any of you.

Alright, now, get out there and play. Get out there.

[dogs barking]

But stay in the yard.

And remember, you pee on it, you bought it.

Hey, have you guys seen the neighbors, everybody's outside

looking for the dogs?

Uh, we left the note with their cats.

Ah, it's nice to see Speedy makin' some new friends.

Look, they're really getting along.

Well, they're really getting along.

Didn't know Speedy could do that on wheels.

Yeah, it's kinda like John Voight and James Fannin

coming home.

Hey, see why I call him Speedy.

Well.

Hey, remember the great idea I had about hiring Simon?

Uh-oh.

No, it's fine. Everything's working out great.

- Really? - No.

That's my impression of the guy who makes good decisions.

Now, here's my impression of the guy who's really upset.

He's a nightmare. I gotta fire him but he's nuts.

He's right to where he was in junior high.

Today he made Wilson call himself a doodie-head.

[laughing]

Drew, there's 20 dogs having sex in your backyard.

It's doggy Caligula out there.

I'll get the hose.

Whoa, never gonna let that dog lick my face again.

Are you okay?

I heard a rumor that you tried to fire Simon

and he beat the crap out of you.

Actually, that's tomorrow.

Drew, you can do this. You're his boss.

- Just fire him. - No, you don't understand.

He's become the guy we were all scared off in high school again.

He's not that big but he's got this look in his eyes

that let you know he's capable of anything.

There's something wrong with his head.

Hmm. I always thought he's like hearing voices or something.

Well, how come guys that hear voices never hear anything good?

Aye, go track down the president.

Tell him what a great job he's doing.

Climb to the top of the watchtower

and just enjoy the view.

Who made the salad? Bonjour Gee. Ha ha.

Drew, this guy is all bark.

Deep down, all bullies are really cowards.

Yeah, he gave you all the time in the world to get away.

The only warning he ever gave me was...

"Hey, Lewis, you're bleeding. Wham!"

I think he's scared of you.

Yeah.

- Yeah, you can take him. - Yeah.

He's a scrawny loser

who couldn't get a job till you helped him out.

Drew, you're a wrecking machine.

Ask any buffet line.

That's right, do to him what you did

to the sizzlers at Easter Brunch.

Yeah, and I ate on the way over there.

[upbeat music]

More fan mail from the Phantom?

Yeah.

"Greetings from Empress Mimi of the Underworld.

"From now on, your surface laws no longer apply to me.

"PS, I found access to the cafeteria.

Operation Dessert Storm, begins at noon tomorrow."

Oh, man, I sure am glad

Wick didn't ask me to go down there and get her.

Just remember, don't shoot till you see yellows

blues and aquamarines of her eyes.

Oops, missed a spot.

Missed a spot.

In my homeland, I was surgeon.

Simon, we need to have a talk we should've had a long time ago.

Oh, sure, it'll cost you a dollar.

It's not gonna cost me anything.

I'm gonna talk, and you're gonna listen.

Okay, look, I gave you a big chance here

and you turned on me.

This isn't just my work, this is my home.

These people aren't my employees, they're my friends.

There's no room for a bully around here.

It takes a lot of guts for you to say that, Drew.

Yeah. Yeah, I got of guts, and you know why?

Because you may act tough

but deep down inside, behind that clenched jaw

and that vein starting to throb out on your head.

Deep down inside, you're just an insecure little boy.

Ha!

I can still feel a rib you didn't break.

Oh, my God. I'm in the sub-basement.

Mimi.

[dramatic music]

Mimi?

[screaming]

What the hell is the matter with you?

Uh, it's just been a while since I've seen you.

I like what you did with your face.

I just stood up to a bully.

Doesn't look like you stood up for very long.

My friends told me to stand up to him.

That all bullies are cowards.

Well, let me tell you something, this bully was no coward.

He beat me, then he beat me some more.

He was a very, very, brave bully.

You idiot, like nobody's ever been beat up by a bully before.

Yeah, but I fired him, and that's the point.

That's why I came down here, Mimi.

I got good news, you-you can come back up

amongst the top dwellers.

Go back up there?

No way.

I'm the boss down here.

No jerks breathing down my neck.

No distractions from my work.

And best of all, no pigs undressing me with their eyes.

Look, this may just be the concussion talking, but, uh...

...it would really mean a lot to me personally

if you'd come back up.

I want a 50% raise.

Ten.

Three extra vacation days

so I can go to Club Med for singles.

Hey, if they let you in, sure.

Forget it.

Still not enough.

Oh, what the hell do you want?

I want you to understand how I feel.

You don't know what it's like to be treated

like some kind of leper.

That's where you're wrong, Mimi.

I know what it's like to be humiliated.

Oh, please.

Look, you have to promise you'll never tell anybody this, but...

I was in third grade...

...and, it was Christmas time...

...and, I had to play a sheep in the school activity play

'cause I-I couldn't fit into the shepherd costume.

You couldn't fit into a shepherd's costume?

They're robes for God sake.

Oh, that's terrible.

There's more.

I crawled to the entire play

wasn't till I sat on a bail of hay

that I realized that my bare butt was exposed

'cause some jerk cut the rear-end out of my costume.

[laughing]

Why weren't you wearing any underwear?

You only get one story.

Now, look, you-you have to promise

you won't tell anybody about this.

Drew, I swear, I won't repeat it to anyone.

(Drew) 'Good, 'cause for 15 years, everybody called me badass.'

[laughing]

Don't worry, Drew.

It's our little secret.

Oh. By the way...

The cafeteria is now open for lunch.

- What? - Oh, nothing.

[instrumental music]

I gotta get some sleep.

Oh, I know what always works.

[instrumental "Twinkle twinkle little star"]

[panting] Aye, I'm getting tired.

Can't you just take a pill or something?