Original subtitles

[serene music]

[chuckling]

- What? - Listen to this.

Drew has his whole day planned.

"Things to do with Lisa.

"Afternoon, move Lisa in.

"Night time options.

Share a silly secret."

Wash each other's hair."

That shouldn't take long.

"Read a sexy story."

Give me that!

I'm trying to make sure everything goes alright.

It's the first time I've ever lived with a woman.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna live with a woman.

Our little Drew's growin' up.

Seems like only yesterday

he was the older, single man in the neighborhood

that all the parents kept their children away from.

Yeah, but now he's living with a woman.

Goodbye, police lineups.

Hey, Drew, how come you've got

coasters in all the bottle rings?

I can't see where my beer goes.

For your information

you put the coasters under the beer bottle

in case it sweats.

So, do you sit on a coaster, Drew?

Knock it off, this is serious.

You know, Lisa and I almost broke up a couple of weeks ago.

Luckily, I came up with the idea of us movin' in together.

Shut up! It's gonna work.

Hey, remember the day I first moved in?

Like it was yesterday, Lewis.

Couple of crazy kids

no furniture, makin' minimum wage.

- Things have changed. - Yeah.

- They raised the minimum wage! - Hello!

Oh! Holy Christmas, Drew

this soup sucks.

It's not soup, I'm simmering potpourri.

Well... I guess, I shouldn't have put the hotdogs in.

Hmm.

Doilies.

[Southern accent] Hey, pa, looks like a woman's comin' over.

Woman on the ranch!

"New Age Woman," "Independent Woman?"

Hey, look, Lewis

you're a "fashion don't."

Oh.

Okay, that's it! Just put 'em back!

In the fan-shape.

Drew, what're you doin' here?

I'm freakin' out. That's what I'm doin'.

[doorbell ringing] Huh! Get down!

- What? - Huh? Nothin'.

Just act normal.

Hello, Lisa!

- Hey, Drew. - Hello, Drew.

Hello, Lisa.

A carpet tree!

I always wondered where carpet came from.

Hey, thanks for getting Jay and his movers to help me, Kate.

I never thought anyone would do it for free.

Well, thanks for moving in with Drew.

I never thought anyone would do that for free.

Lis, did you pack a litter box?

Oh, Mischka doesn't use one.

She's toilet-trained.

She's what?

Toilet-trained, she hops up on the seat

and does her little business.

See, Oswald? Even cats can do it.

Hey, at least I bury it.

Well...

...we're finally gonna do it.

God! We really are.

And I have a good feeling about this.

I mean, I don't care if all those

women's magazine say it's a big mistake.

Ah, who reads that crap anyway?

Uh-oh. We left the door open.

Strays are getting in. Come on you, shoo!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Get out of here!

Wait, wait, wait. These-these are my dogs.

Since when did you get two dogs?

My folks just got into a condo where they

don't allow animals and since you...

Aww.

And since you have such a great yard, I thought...

I.. Well, y-you don't mind, do you?

No. See?

The special surprises are startin' already.

[dog whines]

Well, he likes you.

Alright, y-you know Mischka.

(Drew) 'I love Mischka.'

(Lisa) 'Yes.'

'And this Chaplain.'

Chaplain.

And Stinky.

Stinky.

How'd you get your name, huh?

And finally...

Come on, baby.

Oh, a veteran.

This is Speedy.

He's got a little hip problem.

Aw.

You know, I had an aunt with a hip problem?

But you have a lot less hair on your face.

Now, we're gonna build you a special bed.

Just for you, buddy, yeah!

Well, you know, they-they sleep in the bedroom with us?

Oh.

Now, Speedy...

...you're gonna see some things that you may not understand

but people do it facing each other.

[theme music]

♪ Moon over Parma ♪

♪ Bring my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[upbeat music]

Well, well, lookie here.

An employee change of address request.

Well, this must be a mistake, 'cause Lisa put down

666, Pig Lane. Isn't that your address?

One week and going strong, Mimi.

Jealous?

Oh, ho, ho! Shackin' up?

With you?

[coughing]

Good God, I almost swallowed

my tongue on that one.

Well, that would be bad.

Then how would you feed from the high trees?

By any chance, does your mom know?

What, that I'm living with Lisa?

I'm an adult. I don't have to ask my mom.

She doesn't know! She doesn't know! I'm gonna call.

Put the lipstick down, Priscilla.

Put the phone down, or I get pretty.

No, not my Circus Pink.

Do I have a cold sore, right here, is that--

[shouts]

Hey, Drew.

- Hey. - Hey.

How was your drive to work?

Great.

So, what's new?

Nothin' much.

Oh, wait, uh, last night...

Oh, you were there.

Well, then there was this morning...

Oh, you did it actually.

So...

So...

Well, uh...

Oh, by the way

they fixed the Xerox machine.

Uh, they needed some toner--

Whoa! Oh, honey.

Save a little somethin' for dinner.

Oh.

- Lisa. - Hey, Jay.

Hey, ready for lunch, Drew?

Yeah. Hey, uh, you sounded

kind of upset on the phone. Everything okay?

Yeah, I need your advice.

I got a shot at a business opportunity

but I'm not sure whether to go for it or not.

Well, you came to the right cubicle, pal.

I can't tell you how many captains of industries

sat in that very chair and I'll tell you what I told them.

"Third door on the left, jiggle the handle."

My brother wants me to invest with him in a Dairy Queen.

Wow! A Dairy Queen.

Yeah, the only problem is it's in Farmington, Minnesota.

Yeah, so let me get this straight.

You can get up at like 4 a.m. and make yourself

a peanut buster parfait, or no wait!

A dilly bar, no wait!

Oh, wait my head is spinning! What're you waiting for, man?

Go do it!

Drew, I have to move to run the place.

Move? Well, forget 4 a.m., you could live there.

- Right underneath the nozzle. - 'Yeah, okay, okay.'

Now, if I move...

...what happens to me and Kate?

Oh, no. I guess you have to break up.

Or she comes with me.

No, she's my best friend, you break up.

That's very adult, Drew, but, um...

This is a difficult situation.

Well, whatever you do, don't hurt her

or I'm gonna do to you what I did in third grade

when you played Keep Away with my pants.

And what's that? Hit yourself and run away cryin'?

Yeah, let me tell you somethin', pal.

I cry a lot louder now.

[upbeat music]

Lisa, honey, you gonna be in there long?

[Mischka meows]

Sorry, Mischka.

Think you can flush this time?

[Lisa humming]

Hey.

Oh, I can't stop thinking about

what Jay said today, how about you?

Mm-hmm.

[humming]

No, I mean, uh..

Kate leavin' Cleveland?

- You think she'd really do it? - Like a..

Mm.

[continues humming]

Wh-what if that happened to us?

You know, what if I were offered some

big million dollar job

in New York or somethin'?

[laughs]

No, really.

And then a beautiful woman like Demi Moore

pressured me into havin' sex?

It could happen. Remember the guy that won the lottery twice?

Hey, uh..

Is there any way to train these dogs

to quit followin' me around?

They're not following you

they're following the food.

Food just always seems to be around you.

You woke me up eatin' in bed last night.

It wasn't me, that was your cat.

Oh, that's funny, I don't... I don't remember

my cat ever saying, "Mm-mm, I loves me chips."

Hey, that was a private conversation

between a man and his chips.

Okay, okay.

We'll talk about your diet later.

♪ You fill up my senses ♪

She ever get to the chorus?

Who's hungry?

Who's hungry?

[barking] I can't hear you!

[barking continues]

Listen, honey, I'm gonna go to the Warsaw and get

a couple of beers with the guys.

But we've got a brewery in the garage.

Oh, yeah, but I feel like havin' a light beer.

Okay. I'll miss you.

I'll miss you too.

- I'll be here. - I know you will.

Who's gonna miss Drew?

[barking stops]

[upbeat music]

Tim, give me a beer.

Man, what a night.

Tim, you don't know what it's like in my house these days.

Thank God you can still come here

to get away from your problems.

[screams]

What're you doin' here?

Besides makin' that stool suffer?

I'm makin' yours jealous.

Just keep your hands off.

I'm here with a band.

Hey, Stosh!

If sex had a face, that would be it.

If nausea had a stomach, it would be mine.

So, I guess it's not goin' real well with Lisa

or you wouldn't be hangin' out alone in a bar.

Look, I just came in to have a beer or two

and then I'm gonna go home.

She's the one that should be tippin' it for you

before battlin' the Great White.

So, uh, Mimi, uh, did you ever live with anybody?

I've had a toothbrush or two in my bathroom.

Well, if you don't mind me askin'

um, how come it didn't work out?

I wasn't ready to be tied down.

Shut up!

No, I mean, if you found the right person it would...

It would have to work out, wouldn't it?

I can tell you're troubled.

Here's what you do.

You get off your bar stool, you get in your car

and you drive until you find someone who cares!

'Uh-oh! The poker sluts are circlin'.'

Hey! Go peddle your produce to somewhere else, honey.

Hey, Drew, have you seen, Jay?

He called up all nervous and wanted me to meet him here.

He said, he's made the biggest decision of his life.

I think it's obvious what it's about.

Traditional burial or frozen.

I think he's gonna ask you to marry him.

Yeah, like that'll matter in a thousand years.

Oh.

Why would he be thinking about marriage now?

Uh, I think I know.

I had lunch with him today

and he's got this great business opportunity

to move to Minnesota.

Hmm, I hear wedding bells.

Oh, I love to hear those two special words.

Open bar.

Wh-what am I gonna do?

I-I never expected this.

I mean, I...

I can't say yes.

We haven't even been dating a year yet.

I hope he takes it okay.

Here comes, Wile E Coyote, waitin' for the anvil.

- Hi, guys. - Hey.

Come on, let's all go the bathroom.

Okay.

Uh, Kate, listen, there's somethin' I need

to talk to you about.

Okay.

Um...

Oh, Jay, don't.

What? I'm tying my shoe.

Oh! Go ahead.

Look, um, normally I don't move this fast.

But something's come up

and I don't think I should wait any longer to do this.

Oh, Jay.

I co-signed a loan for my brother

and I'm moving to Minnesota to run a Dairy Queen.

You know, this is all very romantic and everything

but... I can't let you go on with this proposal.

Proposal?

Um, you're not proposing to me?

Oh.

Oh, jeez, Kate.

I'm sorry that's what you were thinking.

Oh.. I feel terrible.

So, you're just asking me to move to Minnesota with you?

Now I feel worse.

So, what's this all about?

I told you, I'm...

I'm moving to Minnesota.

Uh-huh. So you're dumping me for a Dairy Queen?

Well, actually it's one of the new ones

with a drive thru and a brazier.

But you don't wanna hear about that.

- Okay, so you're not proposing. - No.

Uh, and you're-you're moving to Minnesota.

Yes.

I'm probably never gonna see you again.

- Probably not. - Mm-hmm.

Alright, that's it, I'm breaking up with you.

Kate, you're just upset.

Ten, nine, eight...

Okay, I don't know what you're doing.

- But you don't scare me. - ...seven, six, five...

- You have anger issues. - ...three, two, one.

I'm not scared, but I'm leavin'.

Kate, hey...

Are you.. I mean, you okay?

Jay's moving to Minnesota without me.

Kate, if it makes you feel any better

you can hit me.

That didn't help.

I gotta get out of here.

Hey, hey, you're not going anywhere alone, okay?

She didn't have to hit me so hard.

Love hurts, buddy.

Oh, yeah?

I'm gonna get in shape and when I do

I'm gonna come back and kick love's ass.

[cars honking]

Uh, Kate, are you sure you should be driving?

Yeah, it calms me down.

Move it!

[Lewis whimpering]

Oh, great! The police!

It's not the police, that's Lewis in the back cryin'.

Man, one day you're in love

the next day he's in Minnesota!

[tires screeching]

What's the point of it all?

The point is to stay between the painted lines.

Who cares?

Oh, Katie...

Okay, I got the wheel! Grab her!

You guys, it's a terrible plan.

She's still got the accelerator.

I never told my father I loved him.

Oh, stop it!

Well, let's just go to Oswald and Lewis' place

and we'll have a couple of beers

and we'll sort this whole thing out.

Our house? We never go to our house.

We don't even like to go to our house.

Wait, I know where we can go.

I know what'll make little Katie feel better.

[tires screeching]

We're going to Jay's!

Now, would we be actually stopping at Jay's?

Or is this more of a drive by type situation?

[upbeat music]

♪ Searched the world over and I thought I found true love ♪

♪ You met another and ♪

♪ Pfft you was gone ♪

I am so glad

you guys talked me out of going to Jay's.

You know, tonight should've been the worst night of my life.

But thanks to friends like you

and two pounds of cheap Chinese in my belly

tomorrow morning is gonna be the worst night of my life.

- I gotta go pee. - Okay.

I see you guys are still buying in bulk.

I was dating a Russian girl.

I was trying to impress her.

(Kate) 'Lewis!'

Seat's hangin' on the wall, Kate.

Hey! We got messages.

How many?

- Twelve. Alright. - Yeah.

[beep]

(Oswald) 'Hey, Lewis, it's Oswald.'

'Goin' to the Warsaw tonight?'

(Lewis) 'Hey, Oswald, Lewis here.'

'You goin' to the Warsaw?'

(Oswald) 'Lewis. You there? It's Oswald.'

'I'm thinkin' about the Warsaw tonight.'

(Lewis) 'Hey, it's me Lewis, you there?'

[beep]

(Oswald) 'This is Oswald.'

'Pick up if you're there, man.'

(Lewis) 'Hey, uh, maybe we should do'

'somethin' else tonight.'

'Nah.'

[beep]

We'll get the rest later.

So, I see you almost finished your latest masterpiece?

Ah, yeah.

I call it, uh, "Petticoat Junction."

You see there's a hotel and, uh...

Well, there's Uncle Joe.

Still a-movin', sort of slow.

At the junction.

[Kate screams]

There's a dead cockroach on a toothpick in there!

Yeah, I do that as a warning to all the other cockroaches.

You know, you guys have been great

but I-I'm ready to call it a night.

Come on, Drew, you can drop me off on your way home.

Oh no, you're not ready to go home.

Yeah, I am.

No, you ate all the Chinese.

Remember what my dad used to say.

"Close the door if you're gonna do that?"

No, he said...

"Don't make Drew go home if...

"If she's there and her

dogs are there and her cat who pees on his toilet's there."

She keeps singin', but she never gets to the damn chorus.

Drew, is there something you wanna talk about?

Don't make me go home. Please don't make me go home.

It's the first time that's ever been said in this apartment.

Look, Drew, when you first move in with somebody

there's always a period of adjustment.

Yeah, sure, I mean, take Oswald with me, huh?

I mean, I used to come in at all kinds of weird hours

workin' at Drug Co. but, you know

when I got home, there was always a sandwich

waitin' for me.

- Oh. - Oh.

I never made you a sandwich.

Well, you always made my bed. That was nice.

I never made your bed.

Well, that changes our whole relationship.

And our locks.

Wendy's.

Burger King.

McDonald's. What am I, a rookie?

Come on, challenge me!

Drew, it's 3:30 in the morning.

There's not a frier left gurgling in Cleveland.

You have to go home.

I know a little after hours grill

where you can get some French fries

and the cops will turn their heads.

- Oh, Drew. - I-I don't wanna go home.

I don't know what to say to her. You know, it's crazy.

If years ago, if you'd have told me

I'd end up with a woman like Lisa, I-I-I wouldn't believe it.

And then, if you'd have told me I was trying to get out of it

then I'd say, "Well, I can't really deal with that

until I'm done defending my Mr. Universe title."

Drew, I know things aren't good for you at home right now.

The only way that people can solve their problems

is through open, healthy communication.

Oh, you can just pull over here.

Thanks, Drew.

[glass shatters]

(Kate) 'Okay, Jay, now we're'

'officially broken up!'

Go, go, go, before he wakes up.

[tires screeching]

[upbeat music]

"Dear, Drew...

"I sense you're having some problems.

"Staying at my friend Laura's.

"The... animals are with me.

"Please call me in the morning.

Lisa."

She left me.

♪ I'm a-lone ♪

♪ Oh the house is mine ♪

♪ No more stupid so-ongs ♪

♪ Except for this one ♪

♪ No more cat seat on my toilet ♪

♪ Oh I can rub my butt ♪

♪ Up on the cat tree ♪

♪ Oh the house is mine ♪

♪ Uh-uh do the butt tree dance ♪

♪ Uh uh uh uh ♪

♪ Oh you can rub your butt ♪

♪ On the cat tree anytime ♪

♪ Uh-uh uh ♪

Well, I see you got my note.

Note? What note?

Oh, this is from you?

Oh, my God, no.

Drew...

...stop it.

Um, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Hey! You should've seen my dance.

Although, my finale did not include the cat tree.

So, you weren't happy?

About as happy as you.

That bad?

Oh, my God, honey.

Look, um...

It's 4:00 in the morning and...

I know you gave up your place

and we invested a lot in this, so...

You know, if you wanna give it another shot, I mean...

We'll go to counseling, we'll read books.

I already called the cab.

Okay, let me help you with your bags.

Yeah.

Thanks, Drew.

I've had some fun times these last couple of weeks.

It's only been a week.

Oh, man.

I'll see you at work.

Hey, uh, one more thing.

Can I keep Speedy?

Well, sure you can.

Oh.

That was your plan all along, wasn't it?

Yeah, see most guys are nice to

the crippled dog to get the girl.

- 'Mm-hmm.' - Me on the other hand...

Yeah.

[upbeat music]

[glass shatters]

(Kate) 'Hey, Steve, that's for dumping me'

'right before the prom.'

Go, go, go, go!

[tires screeching]

[glass shatters]

'Hey, Susie, that's'

'for telling people I stuffed.'

Move it!

[tires screeching]

[glass shatters]

'That's for the C-minus, Sister Beatrice.'

Go, go, go.

[glass shatters]

Hey, you! You...

Who're we up to?

Uh, Peck Clemens, seventh grade.

Oh, yeah.

'That's for giving me mono!'

Go, go, move it.

[upbeat music]

[chuckles]