Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Good evening, ladies.

Would you like to try Cleveland's own Buzz Beer?

See what we've done is combined your two

favorite beverages beer and coffee.

Now you can stay up and get drunk all over again.

Hey, did you guys really make this yourself?

Yeah, we brewed it in Drew's garage.

Oh, it's great and I like the way you put the worm in.

Just like tequila.

Yeah. Here you get a free one.

Oh?

We got a big problem. We screwed up.

What?

Tim doesn't want two

cases in 60 days.

He wants 60 cases in two days.

We can't bottle 60 cases that fast.

I don't think we could even drink 60 cases that fast.

Oh, yeah? Remember DWI Fridays.

[laughing]

Wait a minute.

We got to keep this from Drew.

And from now on we're gonna start writing this stuff down.

Make a note of that.

- Ah! I'll remember it. - Okay.

Okay, everybody shut up.

Tim. Tim.

Hey, did I get any phone calls?

Okay, listen, I'm expecting a very important call.

I'll be talking to you at the bar for the next few seconds

then I'll be walking over to that table over there.

I'm not familiar with your numbering system

but let's call it table five.

Uh, four.

Okay, five.

Drew, calm down.

I'm okay.

[phone ringing]

Get away from that. Don't touch it.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

This is Drew Carey.

This is Oswald, I'm calling to say

you're making a real jackass out of yourself.

Hey! You're tying up both the lines.

I'm waiting to hear about the job interview.

I think they decided right after you gave them

a bar as a home number.

I'm on call forwarding, okay?

I was goin' nuts sittin' around the house.

I didn't know you were looking for another job.

That means you'll have two jobs.

Wow! You could co-sign for a lot of stuff.

Look, I don't want two jobs.

I just want one good job.

But there's no guarantee that Winfred-Lauder's

gonna promote me to store manager.

So, I'm covering all my bases.

I applied at... Saks Fifth Avenue.

(all) Ooh!

Mister Snooty Pants.

Mister No Shoes No Shirt No Service.

Drew, do you really want to work there?

With all those rich people and their big cars and their suntans

throwing away money like there's no tomorrow.

Take me to heaven, big boy. I wanna go with.

Oh, God. I don't have the job yet.

I don't know why I'm getting my hopes up. Give me that.

(Oswald) Uh, Drew, you don't want to drink that.

That's a bottle with a w...

Leave him be.

He's got enough on his mind.

Maybe I just have to learn to accept my place in the universe.

I'm the guy who always gets screwed.

(Lewis) 'No.'

What?

Great! Now I got worms.

Come on, Drew, a lot of good things have happened to you.

Hey, remember that movie

"It's A Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart?

Yeah.

(Lewis) Well?

You got to see that.

Yeah and your girlfriend's gonna be moving in with you

which allowed your friend Lewis to win

"The no way in hell" pool at the bar here.

Telephone call for Mr. Carey.

[whispering] It's Saks Fifth Avenue.

Is this it?

Is this my big chance?

Do I finally get to take off the bridesmaid dress

and put on the bridal gown?

Yeah and the three of us can carry you over the threshold.

'Cause you're so fat.

[all laughing]

Hello?

Yeah, this is Drew.

Uh, I did. Uh-huh.

Oh, I'll be down there first thing in the morning!

No, no, sir. Thank you very much.

Drew, you got the job?

No, I left my briefcase over there

but they're gonna keep me on file.

How many guys do they say that to?

♪ Moon over Parma bring my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're going bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't loose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

[phone ringing]

Luck, be a lady tonight.

Hello, Drew Carey, assistant personnel director.

May I help you? No.

We don't have a new store manager.

Let me put you on hold, I'll get you the acting store manager.

Acting store manager, can I help you?

What do you mean that last guy was rude?

Do you mean, rude like cursing or rude like this?

Hey, baby. Still handling both jobs?

- Yeah. - Aw.

It's not great for you, but it's good for me.

I'm sleeping my way to the top with just one guy.

Oh, yeah. Hey, let's not try that again, okay?

My back went out and I'm still finding jello.

[laughs]

Here's the file you wanted, temporary store manager

and permanent pig.

You know, Mimi, the opposite of love isn't hate.

It's disinterest.

Get out of my face, twiggy.

What's the matter? You got a thorn in your paw?

Come here.

I'm on break. Bite me!

No. As your acting boss

I'd like you to take some dictation.

Fine. Just keep your hands to yourself.

I'm not one of those secretaries and I got pepper spray.

Good, if I feel the urge to grab you

I'll spray some into my eyes.

For all department heads.

Antidisestablishmentarianism

supercalifragilisticexpialidoci ous.

And regarding our sales in Uganda

[clicking tongue]

Just like it sounds. Got it?

- Aah! - Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

All I got was an F and a U.

You know, I was gonna say something nice

and now I'm not so sure.

What?

Well, I have to admit that you haven't

totally sucked running this dump.

And if those Dutch jerks that bought the store

had half a brain, they'd make you the manager.

- Damn right! - 'Cause you could do this job.

- Yeah. - You deserve this job.

- Yeah! - But you didn't get this job.

They hired some guy from England.

He's on his way up.

[laughs]

What? Oh, no!

[laughs]

I got a new Christmas card.

Oh, hey, Kate

I saw your boyfriend at the free clinic.

- What? - Ha ha.

- Freak out! - Drew?

I can't believe that I got

passed over for the manager's job.

Boy, that makes me mad.

What do you say we go down to cosmetics department

and smash a whole bottle of really expensive perfume?

I don't think that's going to accomplish anything, Kate.

Huh. It already happened. Please don't fire me.

It was an accident.

Can you believe that he gave it to an English guy?

Ooh, look at me.

I'm an English fancy pants.

The way they come over here and steal our jobs.

Those chunnel-digging, giant rock counter-building

mad cow-breeding

room temperature beer-drinking stone heads.

Wouldn't you look like a big idiot

if I was standing right behind you?

Only if I turned around.

Which I will not do.

May I have everyone's attention, please?

I would like to introduce you all to the man we

your Dutch masters, have chosen to run this store.

(male #1) 'Mr. Nigel Wick.'

Wick? That won't be too hard to rhyme in the bathroom.

Welcome aboard, Wick ol' boy!

Yes, yes, thank you.

And now, some of you may have heard that Cleveland was my last

choice for an assignment which makes

all of this just a little awkward.

Oh, you hadn't heard. Well, now it's awkward.

Anyway, I'll try not to make you

all pay for my crushing disappointment.

Carry on, and remember my door is always open.

Everyone return your tray tables

and seats to their upright position

as we begin our gradual descent to hell.

Wow! That's exactly how I imagined their stewardesses.

[instrumental music]

Carey, we have to talk.

By the way, uh, nice, um, box.

Thank you, sir.

Next week I'm having shredded newspapers

put on the floor so I never have to leave.

[taps staff]

Sorry, I'm late, governor.

I was getting petrol in me lorry.

What you looking at, Prince of Wales?

Speaking of unbalanced, have you seen the firm's overheads?

- They're outrageous! - I'm not taking a cut in pay.

A little defensive, aren't you, Carey?

- No, you are. - Wait.

Did I forget to mention I fully intend

to make you assistant store manager?

You do? Oh, man! Finally. Ah...

Hey, can I also be the store duke?

Of course, with title comes responsibility.

- And land. - Maybe later.

But first, you have to learn how to make difficult decisions.

Here's a good one you've already made.

- Ah, look, there's my name. - That's right.

You're eliminating all employee discounts.

- We need the savings. - Ah! Good for me.

Besides, they shoplift anything they really want, anyway.

Ah... Here's another one.

You're cutting down staff lunches to 45 minutes.

- That's brilliant. - Oh, I guess if I can eat

two lunches in one hour, they can eat

one lunch in 45 minutes.

I didn't think of anything else, did I?

You certainly did.

No more free employee parking.

I wasn't quite sure about that one

but you fought hard and convinced me.

Boy, I'm good. And it doesn't matter where I park 'cause, uh

my car will be out front, and I'll be locked in the trunk.

I can't do this.

This isn't a popularity contest, Carey. This is your job.

Yeah, I understand that, sir.

But why can't you just put your name on the memos?

You want answers?

- Sign this. - What's this?

It's a request form for your new desk.

I get a new de... what's all this other stuff?

Oh, it's all your other new cost-cutting ideas

and just some stuff about how we're

no longer providing milk for the day care center.

Blah, blah, blah, words, really.

So you're saying I can finally get the promotion I've been

waiting 11 years for, and a new desk

and all I have to do is be is the store jerk?

You or whoever signs the memo.

They can bring milk from home, can't they?

They bring diapers, don't they?

Well, I'll get 19 CDs for just a penny?

And a football phone, well.

Here, distribute these memos as soon as possible, would you?

Mimi, I think I just made the worst decision

I ever made in my whole life.

You want to hear something worse?

Your car just got hit.

What?

Ha ha ha. Nine more and I got a calendar.

[instrumental music]

(Oswald) 'Lewis? You're a genius.'

- Oh! I don't know. - No, really.

You're right up there with Bill Nye The Science Guy.

Oh...

I thought there was no way we'd get

all that beer bottled in time.

Hey, kiddies, you're doing a great job.

Keep pumping out those brewskis.

Hey, you know if I were paying a Power Ranger

fifty cents an hour to bottle beer

he'd be working his little blue butt off right now.

Hey, hey! That's not how you talk to kids.

- No? - No! Watch.

Hey, kiddies, we're Billy and Bobby Beerbottle.

I'm sad because I'm empty.

I wish some kids would fill us up.

Alright, show's over. Get back to work.

[bottles clanging]

Hey, Stacy. Okay, now.

Give this to the Warsaw and back and remember, if you wipe out

you just bought yourself a case, okay?

Aw! They are so cute at that age, aren't they?

- Oh... - Oh, my God!

(Oswald) 'Oh, Drew, you're home early.'

Oh, my God, you have the neighborhood

kids working in my garage.

Hey, Timmy!

It's illegal to have minors working around alcohol.

[scoffs] Drew, they're bottling it not drinking it.

Okay, everybody, out. Come on, let's go.

Here's a dollar. Don't tell your parents.

Don't tell your parents, don't tell your parents.

Don't tell your parents, give me that, ah.

What the hell were you guys thinking?

I know. It was, it was stupid, it was wrong.

It was working, but it was wrong.

We're just trying to get kids off the street, Drew.

I mean, think of the garage as a day care center with liquor.

We didn't have a choice.

The Warsaw wanted 60 cases by tomorrow.

Yeah, it's all about perception, you know.

Hey, what if we put those kids in green velvet suits

and little pointy hats like the Keebler Elves.

[gibberish]

Three unmarried guys in their 30s dressing up little kids

in the garage where they make liquor.

Yeah, that'd be adorable.

Oh, where's those extra labels?

We could slap them on these bottles

and get 'em over to the Warsaw. Huh.

[phone beeps]

(male #2) 'Drew, it's Larry at the store.'

'I got your memos. I'm about to use them to wipe my...'

(male #3) 'Drew, I got a memo for ya. Kiss my...'

(female #1) 'Die, die, die..'

[beep]

'Die, die, die..'

[beep]

Trouble at work, Drew?

Nope.

Hey, I caught a little girl trying

to steal a case of our beer.

She tried to outrun me, but let's just say

crime doesn't pay.

[bell ringing]

You didn't hurt her bottling hand, did you?

Hey, Drew, how funny are those memos you sent out at work?

They're hilarious.

They're real.

- Huh. Lewis? - Hmm?

- Get me a can opener. - Why?

'Cause I'm about to open me up a big can of whoop ass!

(Lewis and Oswald) Whoa!

They're Wick's ideas, I just signed them.

I don't even do that anymore

he's got a rubberstamp with my signature on it.

You know, this could cause a lot of damage.

Yeah, he's, I got a Blockbuster card

he can rent "Bio-Dome" in my name.

So you were just going to go along with it?

Well, call me crazy, but I thought if I got in on

the inside, I could change things down the road.

Let me tell you a little story about a man who went along.

Played the game.

Toed the line. Rode the rail.

Reached for the stars.

Joined the Navy. Saw the world.

- Lewis? - Yeah? Yeah?

I'll need a ride home.

[instrumental music]

[whistles]

Hey, what's going on here?

Are you kidding, did you forget about that memo

you sent out ordering morning inspections?

Oh, yeah, my morning inspection memo.

Must have been before the pay toilets

but after the free coffee. Ha.

Okay, uh, good. Fine. Uh, good. Hey, see you at lunch?

No.

Thanks to you, she's only got time to binge.

It stinks, Carey. We're all old enough to dress ourselves.

Your fly's open!

Yeah. I'm from New Hampshire.

Live free or die. I'm protesting the inspection.

Glad you're not for Missouri. The "Show Me" state.

Okay, listen, everybody, I know we're all upset about all

the changes and cutbacks but believe me

when the belt tightens we all feel it.

Morning, Drew, that's a beautiful

new desk you got there.

[indistinct chattering]

Okay, inspection's over. Dismissed.

Carey! Come over here.

Here's the newest brainstorm.

We have a number of employees who are reaching

the end of their productive years

and we're about to reward them with large pensions.

You're right, Carey. That's insane!

I'd like 'em all fired.

But these are some of our best employees.

Good! Good! Be sure to tell them that.

Ha ha, I think the first one's waiting in your box right now.

Yeah, but, Mr. Wick, I can't...

Ah, damn it.

Bert, how you doin'?

Oh, you know me, can't complain.

You've worked here a helluva long time, Bert.

Do you ever get up in the morning and say to yourself

"I just can't take it another day?"

I know I say it all the time.

Hey! Why don't we quit? Me and you?

- You go first. - Like...

Like I'm going to quit now?

Tomorrow I'll be vested in my pension.

Yeah, well, about that pension of yours, Bert...

Wow! Is this real mahogany?

Put your cheek up against it. It's so cool.

Hey! I can hear the rainforest.

Drew, why'd you call me in here?

Oh, uh, I was wondering about those kids of yours, Bert

they're, they're they makin' enough

to start supporting their old man?

Ah! That's what's so great about my pension.

I'll never be, a, a burden on my kids.

[sighs] I've met your kids, Bert. They're ungrateful bastards.

Well, maybe the middle one, but the rest are okay.

Yeah, well, listen, Bert, we're cutting back everywhere

and everybody's making sacrifices so...

...give me a dollar and call it even.

Hey! Here he is.

Happy retirement, Bert.

That's what all those crazy question were about, Drew.

You were just stalling me for the party.

Yeah. Ha ha ha. What'd you think I was gonna do? Fire ya?

As a matter of fact, I got a little something for you myself.

It's a $100,000 bar wrapper.

Hey, listen, we should take this party out of Drew's office.

I'm sure he's very busy with plans to invade Poland.

[Bert laughs]

Oh! I got one.

How many Drews does it take...

[indistinct whispering]

[all laughing]

Alright, it's not worth it.

[panting]

- What is it, Carey? - Is there another exit, sir?

- What're you talking about? - They're organizing, sir.

They're fed up of all the new rules

and are threatening to walk out.

It's pretty ugly out there, sir. Look.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow.. ♪

They're lampooning you, sir.

But why are they after me

you're the one that signed the memos?

Yeah, but management's management to them.

One suit's just the same as the next.

Don't ever compare your suits to mine.

Well, I, I better go out there.

It wouldn't look good to have a walkout

my first week in command.

No! I mean, uh, they have guns.

All Americans have guns.

The whole store is packin' heat.

Then, you go, Carey. Find out who's behind this and fire them.

- No, sir. - What?

I'm not firing anybody. Not the pensioners.

Not the rabble-rousers, nobody's getting fired.

Not the negligent, not the incompetent.

You get your mediocre job and you die there.

Then you get a bone spur and you take

a year off and the company died.

That's the way we do things in my America, pal.

I lost my point.

Inspiring speech, Carey.

But if you think for one minute that I'm afraid to go out there

and fix things myself, you're sadly mistaken.

Get out of my way.

Excuse me, everyone, I know you're all very upset

about the recent changes in policy

I'm doing away with all the new changes.

(all) Yay! Alright! Yeah!

Yes, the reign of Carey The Horrible is at an end.

[cheering]

- What? - To show you I'm not such a

bad fellow, I'll let you choose your own punishment

for questioning my authority.

You humiliated me in front of the whole store...

Least you could do is let me keep the desk and the title.

No, I'm afraid this calls for tough love.

I don't believe in tough love, sir.

I-I believe in fun love.

Fun cupcake love.

Oh, alright, you can keep the desk.

I happen to know that he loves his new desk most of all, sir.

I saw him kissin' it.

Oh, yeah, I dropped some sprinkles off my donut.

I just want you to know, sir, that I share your disgust

with Drew's spineless and weak-willed nature.

And just for the record

I'd have no problem with taxation without representation.

Splendid! You have the desk.

- Thanks, Mimi. - You're welcome.

I don't know what you did in there

to make him change his mind

all I can is winner, loser.

Ha ha. I got a new desk. Hey!

I got a new desk. Hey!

I'm not going to forget what you did to us, Carey.

I'm not done with you.

Yeah, well, w-w-whatever you do

just don't let anything happen to my new desk, okay?

I love this desk.

And if anything should happen to this desk

like say if it went up in flames...

...it would kill me.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Mimi, how do you like your desk?

Medium or well done?

[camera clicks]

[instrumental music]

Bars!

Beer.

- Bars! - Beer.

Yeah, well, it's been done.

[groans]

Do they use frogs?

- Yeah. - Oh, man.

We had names picked out and everything.

I'm the frog formerly known as Prince.

And I'm Enrique Papato.

[laughing]

Okay, let's get this stuff out of the...