Original subtitles

[clock ticking]

[Vogues singing "Five O'clock World"]

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Up every mornin' just to keep a job ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way through the hustling mob ♪

♪ Sounds of the city poundin' in my brain ♪

♪ While another day goes down the drain ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows ♪

♪ No one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a 5 o'clock me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that the world looks fine yeah ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪ ♪ Holiday ee-e-e yeah ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ Tradin' my time for the pay I get ♪

♪ Livin' on money that I ain't made yet ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Gotta keep goin' ♪

♪ Gotta make my way ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ While I live for the end of the day ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a 5 o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows ♪

♪ No one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a long-haired girl who waits I know ♪

♪ To ease my troubled mind yeah ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪ ♪ Holiday ee-e-e yeah ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪

♪ In the shelter of her arms everything's okay ♪

♪ She talks and the world goes slippin' away ♪

♪ And I know the reason I can still go on ♪

♪ When every other reason is gone ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ In my 5 o'clock world ♪

♪ She waits for me ♪

♪ Nothing else matters at all ♪

♪ 'Cause every time my baby smiles at me ♪

♪ I know that it's all worthwhile yeah ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪ ♪ Holiday ee-e-e yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪ ♪ Holiday ee-e-e yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪ ♪ Holiday ee-e-e yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Holiday ♪

[theme song]

♪ Moon over Parma ♪

♪ Bring my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' so don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

Good morning, pig.

Good morning, Mimi. Did you do something to your hair?

My hair is exactly the same.

Oh, well, I guess the snakes changed colors.

[Mimi laughs]

Oh, that's odd.

I thought Weebles wobbled

but they didn't fall down.

- Heh-heh. - What was that for?

That was for snitching that I was late yesterday.

Okay, fair enough.

Uh, could you do me a favor and give me

last year's evaluations from the file cabinet?

I'm not that stupid.

You think I don't know that this

thing's been booby-trapped?

[scoffs]

[drawer shuts]

Uh, that's for putting Equal in my sugar.

Well, the joke's on you

because now I get to be barefoot all day long.

Well, you need some new shoes? I'll make you some.

Now, where did I put my anvil?

Here's your stupid file.

You could've just printed out your own copy.

I already entered it in the computer.

What? You've been messing with my computer?

What did you do, plant a virus?

No, I helped you open your own pig site

www.big.pig.

I'm warning you, if you've been screwing with this...

[automated message on computer] 'Bite me, bite me, bite me.'

'Dough boy.'

That's it. I'm not playing anymore of your petty games.

I have work to do.

Oh, man!

Ha-ha-ha! Now we'll know if you touch all the doughnuts.

[chuckling]

[laughing]

- What's so funny? - Nothing.

I'm just smiling along with you.

[thudding]

Oh, great! Now I need a wet nap.

Well, I always keep a box on hand

just in case my prayers were answered

and it starts raining baby back ribs.

You mean, in case you're brown-nosing

and you need to clean off your portable boss seat.

- Just give me one, please. - No way. Get your own.

You know what, you deserve what I put

in your top left-hand drawer.

Oh, yeah? You open it.

Wimp.

Ooh, a dirty magazine.

Mimi, I'm so disappointed in you.

[rustling]

[sighs] Crazy Glue

injected into your wet naps and a dirty magazine.

And it must be my lucky day, 'cause your fly is open.

What? My fly isn't open.

Yeah?

Try to take your hand away.

[telephone ringing]

(Bell on phone) 'Carey, I need the sales reports. Get in here now.'

Now I know what your weekends look like.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

I love evaluation time.

Ass, prepare to be kissed.

Drew, I know everyone's gonna be sucking up to you today

but I'm just gonna be brutally honest

and I know that you're gonna give me a fair evaluation.

First of all, you're losing way too much weight.

You know, I'd be concerned about that, too, Kate.

And second of all, you should be careful

how often you dole out that 1000-watt smile.

Oh.

How is a gal supposed to concentrate on her work?

Is that why women turn their heads when I walk by?

And finally, with no disrespect to Denzel Washington

you are the sexiest man alive.

- Hey, Kate? - Yeah?

You did pretty good not cracking a smile this year.

Drew, I was being totally sincere. Gotta go.

[Kate chuckles]

Working hard, swine-butt?

Hey, you can't touch those. Those are confidential.

It's okay, don't worry, I'm not gonna look at them

except the puff piece you wrote

on your little pencil-holder, Lisa.

Wait a minute, this is no Valentine.

"Needs to show more maturity in the managerial area.

Occasionally lacks patience. Stupid and blind."

- I didn't write that. - She's dating you, isn't she?

Why so mean today? Run out of Mimi chow?

- Hey, Drew. - Uh, thanks, Mimi.

I'll take those papers right to the recycling bin for you.

Yeah, you mean, these evaluations?

Oh, look, here's Lisa's.

- I wonder what it says. - Oh, hey.

Nice try, Mimi, but Lisa is much too secure in her job

to wanna see her evaluation. Isn't that right, Lisa?

Secure? Yes. Curious? Yes.

Wishing I had said yes last night? Maybe.

[chuckles]

No job's worth that, honey.

[laughs]

You didn't write anything bad, did you, Drew?

No, in fact, I remember a little something

about asset to the company.

[laughs] I'll see you tonight for dinner.

Oh, wait, you know, I can't, I'm going

clothes shopping with Kate.

Kate wants your advice on buying clothes?

No, I want hers, we've been doing it every year since high

school. She even taught me which side of the gap to shop on.

Oh. Well, that's okay. Actually, I just remembered.

I'm going shopping with my friend Antonio tonight.

He wants me to help him pick out a cup.

- Lisa, she's my best friend. - Yeah, and I'm your girlfriend.

Well, why does this have to make you so crazy?

Hey, don't call me crazy.

Oh, honey...

[sighs] We're-we're both getting a little upset.

I-I-I think it's time.

Okay.

What I like most about you is...

...your sense of humor and your sexy voice.

And what I like most about you is

you make me laugh and you cry at movies.

[sniffling]

[sobbing] "That'll do, pig."

[chuckles]

- That's all he said. - Heh-heh.

"That'll do, pig."

[laughing]

And you knew what he felt.

[laughing]

Alright, you just have a great time with Kate.

But please remember

things go in clearance for a reason.

Yeah, like I'm gonna buy yellow spandex pants again

after all those papaya jokes.

Hey, Drew, huh...

I found this basket on my desk

and I'm allergic to muffins.

Oh, you mean, just like you were last year on evaluation day.

Oh, really? Is today evaluation day? I didn't know.

I don't know. Let me check.

Anyone have a pen I can borrow?

[pens clattering]

Yup, it's today.

Well, uh, anyway, uh, huh, I figured

you know, you being the greatest guy in the world and all--

(Mimi) 'Attention, office!'

The evaluations are already in management's hands.

There's no longer any reason to bootlick Drew Carey.

Get your chubby little hands off my basket, Drew.

You said you were allergic.

Allergic to chubby hands on my basket.

[instrumental music]

Drew, come on down.

(Drew) 'I don't wanna. The-these pants have a problem.'

Oh, sure, blame the pants.

Come on. How bad could they look?

Well, there was the famous MC Hammer pants incident.

- 'Hm.' - Eesh.

And, of course, Drew was the last

actual member of members only.

- Yeah. - Yes.

(Drew) Okay, I'm coming down.

[laughing]

What's wrong? They look great.

Yeah, but they wrinkle weird.

What do you mean, "Wrinkle weird?"

I don't know, they kinda, you know, they tent.

Oh, come on, I'm sure you're making a mountain

out of a mole hill.

Come on, have a seat.

[laughter]

Oh, man, and I've seen pup dance before

but that's a three-ring circus.

Wow, is there still snow on top of it in the summertime?

Whoo!

Look, we have to discuss this

'cause I'm either taking it back or I'm buying 20 more pairs.

[knocking on door]

Who is it?

(Lisa) 'Someone who needs more maturity'

'in the managerial area'

'to be a greater asset to the company.'

Oh, well, the big top's coming down.

[door opens]

- Hey guys. - 'Hey.'

Drew, can I talk to you?

Wanna see what I can do with my new pants?

Drew, that evaluation you wrote

questions my whole management technic.

Mm, I don't think so. Uh, you're exaggerating.

Oh, I exaggerate. Why didn't you put that in my evaluation?

[scoffs] There wasn't any room after all the bad stuff I put in there.

[laughing]

Uh...

Just because I'm your girlfriend, you're worried

that people will think you're playing favorites.

So you're tougher on me.

- Uh, not exactly. - Not exactly what?

Not exactly. I-I was being honest.

(Oswald) 'Sit down, Drew. Show her the trick.'

Look, I put some good things in there, too.

But I-I have to be objective.

You know, I take my job seriously.

Wow, you must really think I'm bad at my job.

And how can you call me immature?

I wasn't the one in the bathtub yelling

"Hey, look, it's a Jacuzzi."

Shh, shh, shh!

Look, come on, have a seat.

The thing I like most about you is...

[scoffs] I can see what you like best about me.

- That's it. - You're not walking out on me.

You're walking out on my pants.

[door shuts]

That is just great.

That's just what Lisa and I need right now.

How'd she get hold of her evaluation, anyway?

There's only one person

diabolical enough to have done this.

- Mimi. - Kate.

Who do you think it'd be, Kate?

[sniffles]

I'm gonna get back at Mimi in a way she will never forget.

She is gonna rue the day she ever decided

to mess with Drew Carey.

This is my independence day.

Say, Drew, I got a big date tomorrow night.

Do you think I can borrow your pants?

[instrumental music]

I gotta thank you, Chuck, I could have

never rigged up Mimi's desk

like this all by myself.

Hey, careful with that, Drew.

We wouldn't want those to detonate too soon.

I can't believe you got all these instructions

right off the Internet.

Yeah, you'd be surprised at what you can

pick up in the teen chat room.

Hey, that reminds me, I gotta log on

and tell Britney what happened on "90210."

Sorry, Drew. Lisa wouldn't take any of her gifts.

But she did say she'd come up and see you.

By the way, if you're apologizing to somebody

you might wanna give 'em something

better than chorcolates.

What?

They're Belgian chocolates.

No. "Beldan Chorcolates.

Imitation chocolate substitute."

Oh, man, I got it from the same guy

who sold me my brand-new Folex.

Hey.

Hello, Drew.

Did you wanna talk about something work-related

or do you wanna give me a diamond norklace?

[sighs] Okay.

I thought about what you said and you're right.

Maybe I did overcompensate just a little on your evaluation

'cause you're my girlfriend.

It's not just that. It's your job.

I have to know sometimes you'd put me first.

It goes without saying I'd be there for you. Mm.

Hey, let's take the rest of the day off.

- We'll say we're sick. - Today?

I, I got some pranks I wanna watch.

Ah.

Oh, so now you've got pranks that are more important than me?

I'm getting back at Mimi for showing you your evaluation.

She didn't show me my evaluation.

- Yes, she did. - No, she didn't.

Don't tell me Mimi didn't show you your evaluation.

I got trolls about to explode.

I walked into the sales manager's office

asked to see my evaluation and he showed it to me.

Oh, my God! I gotta get busy.

Honey, won't you, uh

grab your coat and, uh, go downstairs?

- I'll be just a second. - Okay.

I can't believe we're doing this.

What I like most about you is if anything explodes

at least I won't be described as a loner.

[clears throat]

Mimi, w-what happened to you?

None of your beeswax, pinhead.

I'm trying to show some concern.

Obviously, you injured one of your hind legs.

I hurt my leg running to get the phone.

It turns out my sister's been rushed into emergency surgery.

She's probably under the knife right now.

Oh. Mimi, I-I'm so sorry.

Now if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone with my thoughts

until the hospital calls.

Don't go behind your desk. I mean, uh...

Maybe you should just take the day off.

I can't. I used up all my sick days following Kiss on tour.

Well, uh, at least let me get you a more comfortable chair.

- Hey, you ready, Drew? - Almost.

- Okay, I'll wait. - No, that's unnecessary.

Look, uh, it'll only be a second.

Why don't you just go wait down in the car?

Oh, by the way, I parked in the sun.

So you might wanna put a towel down on the car

before you sit down.

You are so thoughtful.

[telephone ringing] I got that!

[crackling]

Hello? It's for you.

Of course it's for me. It's my phone.

Keep your hands off my crap.

Oh. Hi, mom. Yeah, I took her to the hospital.

They're gonna do it right away. Okay, bye.

Touch one more thing, and you're gonna know how a popsicle feels.

Um, I was just taking your trolls over to my desk

'cause I'm gonna take the day off

and I thought you might like to sit closer to the sun

because you're such a beautiful flower.

No way, Drew. I know you.

You probably got that rigged or something.

Uh, don't hurt yourself bending over. Let me get that.

Hey, Mimi, have you got a pen I could borrow?

- Oh, sure. - Uh, no. Not that one.

It's empty. Fifty thousand, forty thousand...

[explosion]

[telephone ringing] I got it.

[crackling]

I'm starting to like this.

Hello?

No, you idiot. Wrong number.

Hey, by the way, uh, Henderson told me about your sister.

Is there anything we could do for you?

Well, a little prayer wouldn't hurt.

Insult man. Insult man for Mimi Bobeck from Drew Carey.

Oh, my God. I forgot.

Hey, Drew. Oh, you gotta be Mimi.

That photo you sent me was black and white.

But are those your eyelids or two monkeys bending over?

Oh, look, pal, I think that's enough, okay?

Hey, hey, what, did the trailer park cancel the dance?

[telephone ringing]

[crackling]

Goodnight, everybody. Drive safely.

Look, everybody, I, I-I made a bad choice.

I scheduled all this stuff yesterday to get back at Mimi

for something that turns out she didn't even do.

It's okay, Drew. It's just that on this day of all days...

[sobbing]

Drew, are you ever gonna stop tormenting this poor woman?

Yes, absolutely. I am done.

[explosions]

Oh, no...

[sobbing]

- No... - Okay, uh, now I'm done.

[Mimi sobbing]

Mimi, I am so sorry.

Is there, uh, anything I could do

to make it up to you?

[sobbing] Well, you-you

could work for me today.

Sure, anything you want. Just-just stop crying, okay?

[sobbing]

[chuckling]

Oh, by the way, the hard drive crashed

and I have to re-enter everybody's everything.

- What? - Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, yeah, but cheer up.

My sister's in the hospital, but it's just for liposuction.

[laughing]

You made me pray for your sister's liposuction?

And light a candle, 'cause I'm going to get a pedicure.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Sorry, Drew, but you've got to wake up. You could lose Lisa.

You left her in a car and forgot all about her.

Yeah, look, I know I messed up.

But you know how hard I am working

to make this relationship work.

I just wish I knew if Lisa and I were meant for each other.

But there's no way to know.

I mean, h-how does anybody know what's gonna happen

in, like, 20 years?

I know.

In 20 years there'll be, uh

no cars, no money

and sex will be with machines.

So, in other words, for you almost nothing will change.

Look, you know, I'll be okay. I'll just sleep on it tonight.

By tomorrow I'll know what to do.

[knocking on door]

Oh. I don't think she's gonna wait outside till tomorrow.

What do you mean? She's here? Now?

Oh. Do you want us to stay?

- Yeah, we'll stay. - That's what friends are for.

[indistinct chatter]

Meet us, you know, we'll meet

you over there.

[door opens]

Hey.

Oh, Lisa, that's so nice of you. You didn't have to do that.

You didn't have to bring me all the stuff

I left over at your house.

Well, I-I thought you might want these things back.

[sighs] Well, look

just let me start by apologi--

Drew, Drew, it's not about that.

It's about, well, everything.

I guess there's only one thing left to do.

Move in together.

What?

I think we should move in together.

You know, let's, I mean, our biggest problem is

we just don't see enough of each other.

This way we'll see each other all the time. Yeah. See?

- It'll-it'll be perfect. - We'll have to get along.

Get along? Hell, we'll have to love each other.

Why didn't we think of this before?

We've been too busy fighting.

Oh, this is gonna be great!

- Let's celebrate. - Yeah.

Drew, the bedroom.

Oh, yeah. Even better.

[instrumental music]

[intense music]

[spray hissing]

[door opens]

You will self-destruct in five seconds.

Oswald, get me up. Lewis.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]