Original subtitles

Hi, folks.

My name is Dave Starr.

You know I feel miserable this afternoon.

Last night I dream I was locked up in a room

with a thousand beautiful blondes and a thousand beautiful brunettes.

Then I dream I was a woman.

But I want you to know I come from a very honest family.

Everybody in my family is honest except my brother.

He's so honest he finds things before they're lost.

He was up the river so many times they call him Showboat.

In fact he did 30 days so often they decided to name a month after him.

My brother. He studied for a doctor once.

The doctor was too busy to study for himself.

Then my brother became an M.D. a mental deficient.

What a doctor he was?

He treated a guy five years for yellow jaundice before he found out the guy was a Chinaman.

Well he finally took his license away because he committed an illegal operation.

He opened up a guy's head with a beer bottle.

- Dave, stop! - Joey! Joey Ross.

Hey Joey, stop! - How you been?

- Well, wait a minute. Come on,

hurry up and do that song of yours or we'll get out of here.

- Oh no, I'm sorry. I can't do that song today. I got a headache.

- You got a headache? - Uh-huh.

- Well, man, why don't you do what I do when I get a headache?

- Why? What do you do?

- Well, I go home. I take my wife. She lies down on the sofa.

- Uh-huh.

- I lie down alongside of her.

- Uh-huh.

- I rest my head on her shoulder just like this.

- Oh, yes.

- She kisses me a few times.

- Uh-huh.

- And my headache disappears just like magic.

- Why don't you try it sometime?

- Gee, I think I will.

Uh, what time will your wife be home?

- Oh, come on. You never should.

- Hi honey. - Hi, how are you??

- Oh, trouble with my husband again.

He's so cheap, if he doesn't give me some money to buy some new clothes, I'm just gonna leave him.

- Your husband? Why, my husband's the cheapest thing on two feet.

- But I've got a plan. If he doesn't give me any money today,

I think I'm gonna walk right past the pool room without a stitch of clothing on.

- You know, that sounds like a good idea.

I've got news if it works for you, I'm gonna do the exact same thing.

- Here he comes now.

- Hello, baby darling!

- Don't you call me "baby darling", you, cheap thing.

- Honey, why should you say I'm cheap?

I just happen to have an impediment in my reach, money.

That's the last thing I think about before going to bed every night.

- Well, I've got news for you.

If you don't give me some money right now to buy some new clothes,

I'm gonna walk right past the pool room without a stitch of clothing on.

- Honey, you mean to tell me that you'd walk right past the pool room?

- I would... - Without a stitch? Are you shaming me in front of all my friends?

- I would...

- Well, I just happen to have a few bucks with me, honey.

So, let me see, all right. I just cashed my relief check, see?

$1,000, $2,000, $3,000... what's this $5 doing here, see?

Now, what do you do with my loot?

She took it... Well, how about

giving me a kiss now to seal the bargain?

You call that a kiss?

- You call yourself a bargain?

- How do you like a thing like that?

- I told you - pay off.

- Oh, boy, do I get my husband now.

- Hey, hello, doll. How are you?

- You're late!

- I'm sorry I'm late. I had an automobile accident.

- An automobile accident?

- Yeah, I fell out of the patrol wagon.

- Oh, stop those bum jokes, you cheapskate, you.

- Oh, don't call me a cheapskate. I'm not cheap.

You know, I go out. That's one thing about me.

I don't care what I do with my money as long as I don't spend it.

- Oh, yeah?

- And you know what I'm really doing, see?

I put away enough money for a rainy day.

- Oh, yeah? Well, how much have you saved?

- Well, I'll tell you the truth. Ever raised two days in a row. I'm broke.

- Broke? You're not broke. You just don't want to give me any money to spend on clothes.

That's all. Why, you know that if you don't give me any money,

why, I'm going to go past that pool room where all your friends seem to congregate and walk there undressed.

- You're going to walk by the pool in front of all my friends undressed?

- That's right.

- Is that what you're going to do in front of all my friends?

- Certainly.

- Well, when you pass the post office,

here, mail this letter.

I'm. Here I am once again, folks.

- Hey, Dave, how you been?

- Hey, Joe, where you been? I've been looking for you.

- I've been in Paris.

- You've been in Paris?

- Oh, land of romance!

- If a man has three girls, he's called an orchid.

- In Paris? - That's right.

- And if he walks down the street with two girls, he's called a daisy.

- A daisy? - Uh-huh.

- And if he walks down the street with one girl, he's called a rose.

- A rose.

- Say, how do you rate?

- Shake hands with a stinkweed. - Stinkweed?

- Yeah, I don't understand. What do you have to do to get a girl around here?

I can't get myself arrested if I can't get a girl.

- Well, I'm surprised. I understand that there's eight girls to every fellow in this neighborhood.

- Well, then I got news for you.

Gee, there must be somebody running around here with 16, because I ain't even got one.

- Well, around here, you gotta have it. - Well, I got that.

- What's that? - That's it.

- Well, you came to the right party. - Yeah?

- You see, I have a certain magic perfume that goes all the way from Paris.

- Magic perfume? - That's right.

I put it on this handkerchief.

Now, all I have to do is waft this handkerchief under your lady's nose.

- You waft it under? - That's right.

Say a few magic words in french, and the girl immediately will fall in love with you.

- Aw, Joe, you're joshing me. You know that.

You know, I don't believe that. No, I never believe that.

- Well, here comes young lady now. A young lady's coming along

and I'll show you that this works. How about that?

Isn't she cute? - Yeah, that's nice.

- I'll show you how this works.

- Boy, what a wonderful perfume!

[speaks french]

- Love me.

- Hey, give me that handkerchief!

- Give it to you? I'll sell it to you.

- You sell it to me? How much?

- $50.

- $50? That's a lot of money to blow in.

I'll give you a buck.

- I'll take it.

- You take it. Give me. I'll owe you a buck.

All right. Now, all I got to do is waft it under her. - That's right.

- A rhyming shammy - ickle, mickle, pickle.

- Oh, I want you to make my spine tingle. Make me feel good.

Make me feel great all over.

- Lady, you don't want a man. What you need is a masseur.

- How about that? - Yeah, you do it all right. Keep going.

- Uh, uh, tubes, oranges, la coulis de pot.... Uh, uh, and a stone jagged!

Pancakes, smells? Who needs them? I got my own orders. Hey!

Hello, folks.

You know, I went to the track this afternoon.

I took my wife with me. She's one of the best negs I know.

I don't want to say my wife is exactly fat.

Well, I know she bent over to tie her shoelaces,

and somebody threw a saddle over.

What happened... What happened...

She came in second and paid 680$.

You know, marriage is like a warm bath,

once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

How you take my wife, please?

You know, I got married but better or for worse...

I couldn't do any better and she couldn't do any worse

and she was worse than I took her for all,

I accepted from her father was a 12-room house,

I got a kind of convertible and 51% of his business.

After that I was on my own.

Well, I gotta go now, folks.

You see, it's the kiddies night off to go to the movies,

So I gotta go home line to me. I'll see you later.

Prepared specifically for Pornolab.net