Original subtitles

This is a VCA picture presentation.

What do you think you're doing?

What do you think you're doing?

Huh?

You think you can just walk into a neighborhood like this?

Sneak into someone's house?

Take whatever you want?

Huh?

Don't say a word.

Don't say a mother...

Fucking word.

Are you armed?

No.

Well, we'll see about that.

Maybe I should shoot you.

Breaking and entering.

You shaking?

You scared?

Huh?

I thought you said you weren't armed.

I recall the wisdom of a wise old man.

He spoke to me of a simple, simple truth.

He looked me straight in the eye and said,

Get up.

Fuck me up. I wanna be fucked now.

Up to the fact that Wanda Wanda Wanda

Wanda Wanda Wanda Wanda

Vince, I want someone to turn my face, please.

If you take something from me, I'll take something from you.

You ever back here?

Sure.

Your hair feels like a brick. What'd you put on here, glue?

No.

It's the grossest fucking hair I ever touched in my life.

And what are these?

Nothing, lady.

I know who you are.

You're the pillow man.

To tell you the truth, lady, the only reason I'm here is because I can't get

women. And my friend, the chief, the original pillow man, he had this list of

all these women from the dating service, and he said if I could get some money

or jewelry, he'd sell me the list.

What'd you do that for?

I thought we could go out for some Chinese food.

How about a cup of coffee?

Maybe a movie?

Some ice cream?

You're gonna call the police on me, aren't you?

I guess I better go.

Thank you.

Give me $100 today, right? All right.

Okay. There you go.

But you was behind last two months, three weeks. Hey, I figured I'd get it

Trust me, I'll make it up to you.

Okay, so you're going to give me $50 every month for the next to catch up.

Right, right, right. You want to do it that way? Yeah, right.

Right. Okay. You owe me rent too, Algin. You was behind two weeks last month.

You must pay by Thursday. You understand?

Yes. Do I have any messages?

No, no, no, no. Messages. You must pay the rent.

Ten a month.

Can I speak to you for a minute?

Yeah, what do you want?

Um, look, uh, don't know.

Maybe for the rent, we can get together, you know? Have a little, you know, for

the rent?

No, no, no hanky -panky. Just rent. Just rent. No hanky -panky. No hanky -panky.

I don't fuck bums anyway.

Just get the rent. And your friend up there, your Mr. Chief.

You tell him I kick him out if he doesn't pay. He's behind more than you.

the police on him if he doesn't pay. You tell him.

Yeah, yeah. You tell him.

You tell him.

Thank you, Mr. Habersham.

Okay. I'll be stopping in a short while.

Well, three of you are fine with me.

Mm -hmm.

Certainly.

Who is it?

It's Alden.

Who's Alden?

What do you mean, who's Alden?

It's Alden, your neighbor.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on in.

I didn't get anything. She caught me, so I can't pay for the list.

This room is filthy.

They come here to change the bed.

They do some sweeping.

The corner, if they do any sweeping at all.

I didn't get any money to buy the lift.

I need the door.

I need to take the window. I need to drive that night.

And I'm here near complete disability.

I have acute asthmatic bronchitis and angina.

And I'm here on the fifth floor.

And I get on top of the step.

They tell me, what are you doing?

I'm eating nitroglycerin.

I'm not ready to fall over.

Why don't you take the elevator?

It's broke.

And like Bertrand said, if it's broke, don't fix it.

And if it's broke and they don't fix it, what can I do?

Anyway, I have enough nitroglycerin to last me for two more weeks.

And if I die, who's going to care anyway?

Got any money?

I couldn't get anything. She caught me.

Jewelry?

No, she fucked me, but nothing.

Anyway, I don't know.

I don't know. I put it here, somewhere in those papers.

I don't know where I put it.

I don't know. Look for it.

You can find it.

You can find it. I gave you a regular price.

Here it is right here.

I don't know. It's there somewhere.

Look if you can find it.

It's right here.

I don't know.

I keep looking.

And? It could be there somewhere.

It's right here.

I don't know where it is.

If I can find it, you get it. I give you a break on the price.

I don't know.

It's there somewhere. Next time, when you go next time, next time I give it to

you. So I can find it.

It's there somewhere.

This hotel needs pest control.

Definitely needs pest control.

The guy at the end of the hallway, the one who scratches himself all the time.

Last night, a rat bit one in his bed and bit him.

Bit him on his hand.

He's not going to do anything about it. They don't care. The place is filthy.

It's a mess.

They're Hindu.

What is your name, my friend?

Fred. Fred.

What is your date of birth, my friend?

11 -23 -65.

All right, you're right, you're right, my friend. Thank you very much.

Hello, Karen.

My name is Alden. I'm calling from Dating Compatibilities.

I was matched up to your name.

Well, hello. This is such a surprise.

I've been waiting for this call. This is wonderful.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a lawyer. That's just the type of person I wanted to meet.

Are you a smoker?

No. That's wonderful.

What's your athletic interest?

Lifting weights.

Great. What about your cultural interest?

Theater and film.

I can't believe it. Could you possibly come over tonight for a while and we can

talk some more?

That'd be fine.

I'd love to. You sound so great.

You do too.

What time?

About 8 .30.

I'll be there.

533 Locust?

Right. You sound so wonderful. I'm really looking forward to meeting you.

Bye.

You want some toilet paper?

I got it. Huh?

I got some.

You want some too much bathtub?

Tile?

Flowers? No.

No?

Ugh.

One. Two.

Is this okay? Is the wall okay? I took the paintings off the wall.

Looks good.

Pay attention.

Pay attention.

What am I supposed to do?

Maybe you can help me out.

What am I supposed to do without my list?

Someone stole my list?

Now how can I run my fucking business without my list?

How can I fix up these fucking salams with these beautiful women without my

list?

Most important, most important, how can I fuck these women? And you know that's

why I'm in this business to fuck them and take their money without my list.

And then I give them to the guys and they think they're meeting the girl of

their dreams.

Did you steal my list? Did you steal my list?

Did you give it to a boyfriend?

Did you give it to your boyfriend?

Huh? No?

the fucking limit.

Hey, this is Dating Compatibility.

Can I, uh, can I help you?

What's your name?

Ah, Mr.

Ellison. What a nice name. Hey, uh, uh... Hey, well, yes, we're glad you

Our clients are all reputable, and our reputation is impeccable. We assign

affidavits when different clients have been very satisfied with our service.

Any type of person you think you want to meet?

Well... You'll meet them here.

We've helped thousands of selective couples meet and fall in love.

It's a wonderfully efficient and dignified way to meet your preferred

Hey, I guarantee it.

Well, Miss Allison, what do you think? Would you like to set up an appointment?

Oh, you would? Well, let me write this down. What time would you like to come

in?

Monday at 2 .30. Well, hey, that sounds good to me.

We'll be seeing you Monday.

You know who that was?

Her name is Miss Ellison. You know what I'm going to do with her?

Yeah.

What am I going to do without my list?

I'm going to start a new one.

And I want you two to be the first ones on it.

If you want.

I would like that.

You know, I haven't been feeling too good lately.

Just a little bit off.

You know why?

Because of my list.

I was thinking maybe you could help me out.

Sure, I can.

Well, make a new list. We'll get the person who took it.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, hold the calls.

There wasn't no person. It was a degenerate.

We'll make you forget your life.

Yeah, lighten up.

Have some fun.

I just don't want an individual pilferage in my organization.

What's that?

I don't want anybody stealing anything from me.

I feel better.

Hey, should we have sex?

Oh.

I want to fuck you.

Oh, God, yeah.

Ah, Marcus.

Oh, yeah.

Oh man.

It's back in there. Come on.

Yes, hello.

Yeah, hi.

I'm Henry. I'm Karen's brother. Come on in.

Thank you.

Have a seat. Thank you.

Well, Karen should be down in a minute. You know women, all the preparation

before the big date.

Yeah. Would you like a drink?

Uh, yeah. I'm having scotch and soda.

That'll be fine.

History comes now.

Hello. Hi.

Hi, you must be Alden.

Gosh, you're wonderful.

Isn't he marvelous?

You're everything I was hoping that you'd look like.

I see you've met my brother.

Yes.

Henry, could you please get me a scotch and soda also?

Sure. Thank you.

So tell me about yourself. Have you been practicing law for a long time?

Yeah, about five years.

And you say you're a defense lawyer?

Yes, I've worked on a few cases, depending on the client.

Oh, I think that's wonderful.

Don't you, Henry?

A nice young man like this making such a good life for himself as a lawyer?

Oh, yes.

I think that's commendable.

Highly commendable.

So what would you like to do tonight?

Well, I thought we could go out for some Chinese food and then maybe go to a

movie and maybe later get some ice cream or have some coffee.

That would be wonderful. That's just what I was thinking about doing.

You know, at one time, Henry was going to become a lawyer.

Yes. I went to Yale on a football scholarship.

I wanted to study law, and I did for a few years, but I got sidetracked with

this calendar business of mine.

It was very small. I started it in a friend's garage, but I turned it into a

multimillion -dollar -a -year business.

Yeah, and now he makes calendars and posters for every occasion.

You know, we should talk.

I could use some young, good, bright lawyers like yourself.

We should discuss this over lunch.

Yeah, yes, we could.

That'd be nice.

So tell me about you.

Well, I do a lot of everything.

I dabble in painting, and I like to go to the opera, and I'm also a writer.

As a matter of fact, I've been working on a series of articles for a scientific

journal that's doing quite well.

Mommy.

Yeah? I have to tinkle.

Well, go ahead, but don't miss the bowl.

Yes, Mommy.

I think you're so sexy.

I just love to fucking suck strangers.

I love your suit.

Thank you.

Of strangers who turn you on so much.

I'll have to guess what they

got underneath your clothes.

Maybe that's why I like strangers.

Take off your clothes for me.

Sigh.

Thank you.

That was so good.

Did you miss the ball?

A little, Mama.

Get over there.

When are you ever going to learn?

I'm going to have to diaper you again.

Naughty boy.

Little Henry just loves it when mommy rubs his pee -pee, huh?

Now, I know that you'd like to suck on Mommy's tits and stick your pee -pee

inside her, but you've been a bad boy, so you're just going to have to stay

right here and watch.

Tonight you can only suck on your pacifier.

Come on and give it to me from behind.

It's alright.

Ah.

uh uh

I love you.

Yeah. Maybe we can go out and get some Chinese food or go to a movie now.

Sounds good. Let's do it.

The fuck you doing asking my wife out, motherfucker?

Your wife?

Yeah, you stupid or something? She look like my sister.

I didn't think there was much of a resemblance.

Yeah? Get your motherfucking ass out of my house, jawhead, jive -ass

motherfucking...

My dick, bitch.

Chinese food, huh?

I got your Chinese food, you bitch.

Ah, yeah. Fuck that egg roll, baby, yeah.

I got wonton soup for your ass.

Ah, yeah.

Yeah, give me some of that trim, baby.

Good. Oh, baby, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Oh, this is good, baby. It's so hot.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Come on, baby. Oh, yeah.

Oh,

deep, baby.

Make me cough. Oh, God. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I love you. I love you.

But Mr. Taylor.

But, Mr.

Taylor... He said he was a lawyer. I know he wasn't any lawyer. He wanted to

take my wife out to Chinese dinner. What kind of clients do you have over there

in this dating service or whatever this is you're running?

I didn't send him over.

What do you mean you didn't send him over?

He had our address and phone number. He said he was from your place.

Listen, Mr. Taylor, I didn't send him over.

Somebody came into the offices, broke into our files, and stole the list of

women. If we can find out who that guy is, I'm going to turn him into the

police. Okay?

I know where he lives. He left a pizza receipt.

His name is Alden Pillerman.

He lives at the Hotel James.

Look, we'll take care of it.

And we'll make it up to you, too. Believe me.

What do you mean you're going to make it up to me? I spent money on this

motherfucker. And you're telling me you're going to make it up to me?

Man, I'm telling you, I'm going to try and take care of it.

Try to take care of it?

Listen, motherfucker, I can't help...

Could you get the door?

I am, Mr. Chas.

There is no light bulb here.

There is no light bulb here.

Yeah.

Mr. Chez, is it true that you Spanish men love women?

Oh, say, very much.

I have a little favor I'd like you to do for me, and there's something in it for

you, too.

You might call it one and a half.

I'd be delighted.

Alton Pillow Man, you have phone call.

Phone call? I'll be right there.

Hey, you guys want to buy some bus tickets?

How about some food stamps?

Food stamps?

No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't stay here, my friend.

No? No, get out of my hotel. No soliciting in my hotel.

Fuck you.

Get out of here, you bob. Get out of here. I call the police if you don't get

out of here.

Bob.

Bob. Hello?

Alden Pillow Man.

Yes? This is Tony.

From Tony's Pizza.

You purchased a 20 ,000 pizza, and you've won a trip.

A trip? Really? Where?

A lot of places.

You qualify for a trip to a lot of places, and there's two other people

involved, and they're women.

Would you like to go over to the apartment right now and meet them, get

them? Are you kidding? I really want a trip.

No.

Yes, you want a trip.

I want you to go over to this place right now. It's 2721 Pacific.

You got that?

Yeah, 2721 Pacific.

Can you find it?

Yeah, I can find that.

I want you to go over there as soon as possible.

I really want.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, just go on over there right now, okay?

Wow, I won a trip. I can't believe it. I won.

How you doing?

You're always pretending to relax, though. Yeah.

I'm relaxed.

That's him. That's him.

That's him.

Alden. Alden?

Alden Tillowman.

I'm Tony.

Hi. Tony Pizzeria. That's me.

Nice to meet you too.

I'd like you to meet the girls here.

This is Carrie.

And this is Miss Ellison here.

They've also won the trip.

Why don't we sit down here and you can have a little conversation with them,

to know them.

Nice to meet you too.

You like them?

Yeah.

Excuse me?

Hey,

I understand.

Mr. Ched?

This is Alden Pillow Man.

Hello, Mr. Ched. Did he win a trip too?

I'll explain that.

We just did here, okay?

Where do I go?

Over there.

Ches, sit over there.

I want to show you what you're going to experience on your trip.

You see, Mr. Ches here won the trip to the 10 ,000th pizza.

And now he's going to show you where he went.

Something like a travelogue.

Yeah, right.

Travelogue.

Where am I going to go?

Huh? Just pay attention. Pay attention.

Yeah.

Am I going to go on a trip soon?

Yeah, it's a trip.

Just sit there.

Yes,

oh yeah.

What about my trip?

Take them after or something, all right?

But what about my trip?

Hey, shut up.

You want to go on a trip?

Then shut up.

I forgot my book.

Rapido duro.

Rapido duro.

Rapido duro.

How about my trip?

Take my shoe off.

Take it off.

Um, what was that about?

Where am I going on a trip?

Hey,

Eldon, a lot of places, a lot of places.

You got two people going with you, two girls. You know any girls?

How about them?

Oh, no, they already left.

Do you know any girls?

No, I don't know any girls myself.

Come on, Eldon. Any good -looking guy like yourself, you must know a few girls

now, don't you?

Well, I just don't know any girls. I... Wait a minute.

I got a list.

Oh. Oh, he's got a list.

Uh -huh.

I got a list of all these girls.

I can call some of them up.

Yeah, well, that's a good idea.

Where's the list?

Right here.

Let me show it.

I'm sure some of them would want to go.

It's a nice lift.

It's nice.

It's a nice lift.

Huh?

Where am I going?

Yeah. What?

Where am I going on a trip?

Out the door.

What do you mean?

We're going to Out the Door in South America.

Where's that?

Out the door.

Get the fuck out of here.

Come on, come on, come on. You heard him. You're out.

Out the door.

And don't come back.

Thank you, Mr. Chez.

Hey. Anytime, compadre.

Did she speak Spanish with you?

She's an intelligent woman, huh? Very intelligent.

Chief.

All Hindus take their money back to Hindu land so Americans

cannot get it.

I slept for five months in the Golden Gate Park.

All by myself.

And until I decided against it, because it was too chilly, and I moved back in

here,

What kind of problem is this?

Chief, I can't get any women.

I didn't get my trip. They kicked me out. No one will talk to me. I'm

Chief, you've got to help me out.

You're the chief.

You have to become one with your dick.

What do you mean?

One with your dick.

You have to cut your hair so your head looks like your dick.

No, short hair. I had short hair before. I don't like it.

The women don't like me with short hair.

One net with your dick.

I didn't get pussy for two months.

You had got to have one net with your dick.

I'm intimidated by women. They don't like me like that.

I'm the chief.

The original pillow man.

Heed my words.

One with your dick.

Now you must return to the bowels of civilization.

Where? The bus station.

One with your dick.

Oneness with my dick.

I can't cut my hair.

I would never get any woman if I cut my hair.

I can't fucking. No way.

Oneness with my dick.

Oneness with my dead. Oneness with my dead.

Oneness with my dead.

Hi.

Hi. Were you ever in the Marine Corps?

No.

He should be. He'd look great in a rain uniform.

Um,

how'd you like to come to my house for a cup of coffee? Maybe later we can go

and get some Chinese food and go to a movie and maybe get some ice cream.

Yeah, that sounds great.

Great.

It's this way.

Okay. All right.

Number 51.

51, okay. He has checkout date on the 25th.

Okay. And now 25th, 26th, 27th to the 29th, he keeps telling me he's going to

pay me on the 1st. I see.

Yeah. Is he still here?

He's been here three weeks.

He was here before, then he had to go into the jail.

Okay. What's his name?

Chief.

Chief. Okay.

Now, look, if I ask him to leave and he doesn't, do you want to have him

arrested? No problem.

Well, I just wanted to know that.

Okay.

51, huh?

Yeah, upstairs, in the back.

Okay.

Nice place.

Thanks. You can have a seat right over there. Thank you.

Would you mind if I fix the back of your head?

Sure. Okay.

There we go.

That's better. Thank you.

Would you excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable?

Okay.

The chief was wrong.

I didn't have to cut my hair.

Yeah?

Yeah, man, Mr. Chief, this is the police department.

What? The police.

Yeah. So, what's the problem?

I pay rent here for three months, and I'm here five months now. So, here in

hotel, huh?

Uh, where?

Right here in this hotel.

I've been in jail five times. No, uh, twice.

Well, how do you like it?

Looks great.

Come here.

I'm going to mess it up, are you?

No, I won't mess it up. I promise.

Come here.

Just relax.

Your arms are great.

Your chest is great.

God, and your head is great.

Well, see, then you've only been here about three weeks, right, Mr. Chief?

Where? Here in this hotel.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, I see. You see, from the fourth until now,

it's three weeks.

God,

it's so perfect.

I'm in love with a man like you.

resident here. No, no, I don't think so. I think that you have to be, you think

you have to be in a place like 30 days.

They don't have your tent, your tenancy. See, that's the only problem.

You see?

I don't think you're a paid resident. I think that you have to be here like 30

days. You understand that? You know, that's the way the law's written.

Wonderful. It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I'm glad you liked it.

I feel the same way.

Would you do me a favor?

What? We can have you arrested.

Oh, you... Shut up!

Listen, I don't have that option, Mr. T.

Okay?

put these on for me it's just for fun you know a little game sure okay

the woman's got my money i know but i don't have that option see that becomes

the civil problem see that's something you got to work out with your lawyer and

at this uh hotel here right but right now we got to work on things that are

happening right now okay like number one you know you don't want to wind up in

jail. That would be very silly, wouldn't it?

And then number two, you know, isn't there someplace you can stay the night,

someone to sit with, take your stuff over there and then settle with your

tomorrow morning? I mean, like the basic problem is, you know, you don't want to

wind up in jail, right?

Private Pillowman, report it as ordered, sir.

Pillowman, your shirt is not buttoned. Your belt buckle is not lined up. Your

feet are not at a 45 degree angle. Your head is not square to the front. You're

looking at the sky, boy. What are you, a bird watcher?

Sir, no sir.

Then get your head down. You better start talking like a man.

Sir, yes sir.

Pull them words up from the gut, boy.

Growl. Sir, yes sir.

Sir, yes, sir. You burr -headed idiot. You do not appreciate my cheerful

good morning.

I am not your mother. I will not wake you up like your mother does. Do you

me?

Sir, yes, sir.

I can hear you.

Sir, yes, sir. What time is it now?

Let's see here. It's at three o 'clock.

Tell her to give me until seven and I'll be out of here.

You'll be out by seven.

No, right now.

Oh, don't say that. You shut up. Okay, I'll talk to her, all right, Mr. Chief?

Please do. But if she says no, we still have to get you out. Okay, okay, but...

She gave me until seven. I'll be out of here. Okay, seven o 'clock, right?

Right, even before seven. Okay, seven. Okay, now you understand that if you're

still here at seven o 'clock, she's going to have to have you arrested.

Okay, talk to her.

Okay, yeah, I'll talk to her, all right?

All right, do that.

Okay. You know, thank you. I just want you to understand that.

I do, officer.

I do. All right, I'll talk to her.

Do that. Okay, thank you. Thank you, officer. All right. Did I hear somebody

laugh? How about it, Dick Hales? Was that you?

Sir, no, sir.

Didn't I tell you you had your last laugh the first time you laid eyes on

Sir, yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Okay, now, he says that he'll be out by 7 o 'clock.

No way. No way. No, no, no. He said you've got to compromise with the fellow

little bit. You know, give him a chance.

5 o 'clock. I give him 5 o 'clock. He must be out. Okay, 5 o 'clock.

We're the United States Marine Corps, and we're proud of it. We're in a class

all by ourselves.

Mr. Chief.

Yeah, officer. Yeah, yeah. She says 5 o 'clock.

5 o 'clock.

Two hours to get all my stuff out of here. Yeah, but you know, five o 'clock

what she says, and that's better than right now. So I'd take her up on that by

the way, huh?

Yeah, but... Okay, I'll be out of here.

I'll be out of here. Okay, now, okay. Now, you understand that, okay?

Yeah, I promise you. Five o 'clock. Okay, all right.

Okay, 5 o 'clock, all right?

Okay. All right, now, now, if you're still here at 5 o 'clock, call us right

back, all right?

Okay, right.

Now, I don't think you're trying to be fair with the guy, okay? I do understand

that. I have. Last five days.

Okay, 5 o 'clock. We'll be out, all right? Thank you very much. Thank you.

thank you.

Bye. Bye.

Thanks, officer.

Yeah.

I told you, one net with your dick.

I told you.

Take my shoe off.

Hang it off of me.

Where am I going to go?