All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S01E22 - Buzz Beer (720p DVD Upscale x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

[Mr. Bell on speakerphone]
Carey, what did the
memo I gave you say?

Uh, it says, "All annual reports

go directly to
Mr. Bell's office."

[Mr. Bell]
And the one you distributed
to the entire store?

[clears throat]

"All anal reports go directly
into to Mr. Bell's orifice."

But I'm sure it's
just a typo, sir.

[Mr. Bell on phone]
And the CC?

Okay, so the CC to "The Big
Jackass" probably isn't a typo.

But I'm telling you.. I
am telling you buddy,

it's a mistake. It was
just all a big mistake.

[Mr. Bell on phone]
No, I'm telling you.

I want every single
copy that went out

corrected by hand!

[dial tone]

Do you have any White-Out, sir?

[Mr. Bell]
I want some respect around here,

and I'll get it if
I have to toss

every one of you
malcontents out on your ear!

Problems with the boss
this morning, dip-wad?

It was you, wasn't it?

Oh, my God! I sent out a memo

about employees
slacking off in the bathroom.

Holy cow!

Oh. Is it the one
with a picture of you?

It's anatomically correct.

I left it blank.

No, Mr. Bell accidentally threw
out a confidential memo at me.

I'm in the loop!

What does it say?

Oh, my God.

Some Dutch company's
gonna buy the store.

Why would they want to
do that? Business is lousy.

That's exactly why they do it.

These foreign companies buy up failing
businesses, and they tear them down

and put up shopping
malls and make millions.

What'll happen to us?

Well, you and me personally?

We're going to
go through eternity

locked in a death grip
like Popeye and Bluto.

The rest of the
store gets laid off.

Crap! This is the
best job I ever had.

Well, just, Don't
tell anybody.

We don't want to
start a panic... yet.

Yeah. You're right.
Did you hear?

The Dutch are buying the store,

and they're gonna close it!

Oh, Hey, Kate, ready for lunch?

Didn't you hear?
The store's in Dutch.

They may have to sell it.

What'd she say?

She said the yogurt in the
cafeteria's Dutch chocolate.

Oh.

Hey, Oswald,

oh, I gotta get my coat.

Where we going for lunch?

I don't know, but Starsky
and Hutch are in the cafeteria.

You're kidding! Oh, my
God, does Drew know?

I don't know.

Drew, did you hear?

the Dutch are buying the
store! and they're gonna close it!

That's old news. Starsky
and Hutch are in the cafeteria.

Come on, let's go!

[theme music]

♪ Moon over Parma, bring
my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

Yes, I know you don't
have a head of personnel.

That's why I'm talking to you.

I want to be the
head of personnel.

So, uh, who does your hiring?

The head of personnel.

Let me guess.
You don't have one.

Give me the manager.

You know, my first act
as head of personnel

is gonna be to fire this guy.

[laughs]

Don't you think you should just
fax these people your resumé?

Ah, Lisa, I balance my
desk with people's resumés.

I mean, I did that, but it's also
good to have some personal contact.

Mmm. You know, you've
been so busy looking for work,

we haven't had much much
time for personal contact.

Look, you already have
some good job offers.

- It's easy for you to be horny.
- Um-hmm.

No, not you, sir.

Yeah, I was calling regarding
the head of personnel.

Yes, I know you don't
have a head of personnel.

Wait a second.

You didn't transfer me,
you're that same jerk!

Wait till the Dutch
come calling.

Then the wooden
shoe's on the other foot!

Your phone manners
are impeccable, Drew.

I think a Xerox of your ass

would be a nice follow-up.

I have one on file from '82,

but my ass has done
so much more since then.

[Lisa laughs]

There's nothing on the news

about the big Dutch buyout Drew.

If something were going on,
don't you think we'd hear about it?

I don't know. They're
sly ones, the Dutch.

Hmm.

Ever notice how sometimes

they call their
country "Holland"

and then other times
it's "The Netherlands"?

And who are they
hiding from, huh?

People like you, my friend.

Yeah.

You know, the Dutch own more
of this country than the Japanese.

But you never hear about it,
because they sneak in unnoticed.

In fact... one of us
could be Dutch,

and you wouldn't even know it.

Alright, I confess!
I'm a Dutchman!

But only 10%,

and I think the 50%
of me that's German

already stomped it out.

First they buy up our country,

then they ruin my life.

I'd like to tell them
a thing or two.

Those Gouda-eating,
tulip-sucking,

17th-century-dominated
clogheads!

They can kiss my
fine white Netherlands.

That's what they can do.

[door opens]

Hey.

Hey, Kate. How's
the job hunting going?

Oh, well, I've been offered
several executive positions,

but I can't decide where
I want to work more

the fryer, the
grill, or the window.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

There just aren't
that many sales jobs

in the nicer stores.

You know, I have three
ex-salesmen hauling boxes for me

in my moving company right now.

Hmm, room for one
more, pumpkin pants?

Let me see your hands.

What, you don't think
I'm tough enough?

No, I just want to
hold your hands

so you can't hit me
when I tell you no.

- Oh!
- No, honey. No!

You don't want to work
in a moving company.

It's a step back.

Aww.

See ya.

You said no first!

Would you guys calm down?

Just because the
Dutch bought the store

doesn't mean
they're gonna close it.

Yeah, but I've seen it
happen too many times.

I don't want to get caught
with my pants down.

Nobody wants that, Drew.

You know, this is ridiculous.

I've been all day on the phone,

trying to find a job at
another department store.

I don't want to start
back at the bottom

just to work my way back up

to the top of the bottom.

Hey, I just hauled
a bunch of boxes

over to the I-X center.

You know, they're having a
small business expo there,

you guys should check that out.

[telephone rings]
- Hey, that's a great idea.

Hello.

What? Head of personnel?

That's great! For what salary?

Oh, that's wonderful.
What's the location?

Moronville?

You're the same jerk!

[instrumental music]

It's pitch black,

and it's the only place
in this crazy world

where you can truly be
alone with your thoughts.

I got to try this.

Why can't you
just close the doors

on a port-a-potty?
What's the difference?

Aah!

What year is it?

Oh, my God, Lewis,

you've aged!

You look so grotesque!

You were only in there
a second, you idiot!

Oh, gee, I forgot to
turn the oxygen on again.

Well, I'm sure sometimes

when you were a kid,

you forgot to take
your lunch to school.

Nope, uh, sometimes
I forgot to get dressed,

but I never forgot my lunch.

Well, I'm sure you remember

how much more fun
it was to play at recess

than to eat your school lunch.

Boy, you are talking
French here, lady.

Well, kids love the idea

of lunch in a helium balloon.

It's fun!

And it could keep your child

from drowning!

Hey, is that cake in
the balloon over there?

Oh, hey, look!

It's the Hindenburger.

I had a Mission
Impossible lunchbox.

I always wanted to
be the strong man.

[balloon pops]

Drew, did you bite that balloon?

[helium voice]
No!

And I resent the allegation.

- Hey, Drew.
- Hey.

My favorite was the rocket

that shoots garbage into orbit.

Great slogan,

"Shoot your crap into space."

Hey, loser.

And friends of the loser

who are losers by association.

Hey, Mimi, what
are you doing here?

Or do you qualify
as a small business?

I found another memo.

It's only two more weeks

before there's
tulips on the desks

and prostitutes in the windows.

Oh, man, I thought
I had more time.

Hey, is that cake
in that balloon?

What am I gonna do here?

Bartender, the usual.

Are you guys interested

in starting your own business,

or are you just sucking
up my samples?

Sorry, it's just great beer.

- Yeah.
- It really is good.

Yeah.

So, uh, what do you brew
these in these little tanks here?

How much does one
of these things cost?

I could start you off

with one of those
small barrels back there,

that'd cost you about 100 bucks.

Boy. Brew your own beer, huh?

Beer, beer, beer.
Hey, we like beer.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Everybody likes beer.
- Yeah.

You guys thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yeah, let's get as much
off this guy as we can

and get the hell out of here.

You know, microbrewing's
a big thing right now.

I mean, we all drink
Great Lakes beer.

That started out in
somebody's house.

You know, if we pull this
off, it could support all of us.

Hey. Here's my 100 bucks.

I'm starting a business.

Yeah, well, this'll just
about cover your tab.

Those barrels back there

are just for perfecting
the flavor of a beer.

If you want to
brew beer for profit,

you need one of these
big babies back here.

[all]
Whoa.

Runs about 15,000.

If we had 15,000,
we could all retire.

You know, uh, $15,000
doesn't sound so bad

you know, for
starting a business.

I mean, if we all pitched
in a little something,

I could, I could take
out a loan on my house.

Drew, you can't lose that house.

You said it's the only place

where you can go
to the bathroom.

Yeah, you've
worked your whole life

to build up equity
in that house.

You're gonna
risk it all for beer?

Ooh, is your mother
going to slap you.

Look, I-I'm tired
of playing it safe.

If I'm going to have
my own business,

I'm gonna take a risk.

I see you found
the Bal-lunch table.

[helium voice]
Bite me, dough boy!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, everyone take a sip

and tell me what
you think the flavor is.

- Mmm.
- Mmm!

- Tingling.
- Hot.

- Burning.
- Fire.

Yes.

It's Tabasco beer.

I call it, Tabeersco.

Oswald, nobody's
going to buy a beer

that sets their mouth on fire.

I know.

Water!

We'll make our
money on the water.

Oh, I'm gonna lose my house.

- No, you're not.
- No.

Hey.. hey, I've got it.

Tidy beer. Huh?

It's blue,

and when you throw
up, it cleans the toilet.

I'm gonna lose my house.

No you're not.

No, Drew, you're not
gonna lose your house,

we're all in this together.

And I have a great
marketing idea,

Jay's gonna be the spokesmodel.

- He is?
- Yeah

I went to a bunch of bars

and asked the guys
if they'd buy beer

with a man on the label.

A lot of them weren't sure,

but then I went to one bar,

all the guys said yes.

- Hey, baby.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Alright, I've got it.

Now, I'm not a marketing genius,

but I've come up
with a container

for our beer.

Now, what is more
trustworthy, warm,

and familiar than
a milk carton?

Oh, I'm gonna lose my house.

They-they put everything
in milk cartons.

Orange juice, candy,
pancake batter.

And it's recyclable.

But it's a milk carton!

Little kids can't read.

"Hey, can Timmy
come out and play?"

"No, I'm sorry, honey.

"He just had a bowl of cereal,

and he's hammered."

Oh, and I suppose
you guys came up

with the perfect flavor beer.

Well, we'll just have to see.

Now, this is my last brew,

and.. I think it's my best yet.

Oh!

Ohh!

Oh, my God. That's disgusting!

Well, if you had
bothered to swallow,

you would have seen

that there is no
aftertaste whatsoever.

Oh.

Hey, the rotten
egg taste is gone!

How can you taste anything?

You keep taking a sip of coffee

between every sip of beer.

Hey, it's late. I'm
trying to stay awake.

You know, they go
pretty well together.

It, uh, makes the
buzz last longer.

Hey...

Don't look at me
like that, Drew.

I'm not a pork chop.

No. Coffee and beer.

Coffee-flavored beer!

[gasps]

That's perfect!

Coffee and beer!

I got to pee just
thinking about it.

We got to have a name.

Why don't we call it

"Drew put his house on the line

so he gets to name the beer."

- No.
- No.

Or we could call it Drew brew.

- Hmm.
- No.

Hey, what about Java beer?

Hmm.

Drew brew.

- No.
- No.

Cap-beer-chino!

Drew brew.

Buzz Beer.

Yeah!

Hey, Buzz Beer. Hey.
Now I've got the slogan.

"Stay up and get
drunk all over again."

[cheering]

[instrumental music]

So, it's the big day.

You ready to get fired?

Hey, what a complete outfit.

You're even wearing
Dutch Boy paint.

Listen, when they
close this dump,

I want to be sure
I get transferred

to one of their other dumps.

Yeah, well, I don't need that,

'cause I got bigger
things brewing.

Good-bye, Mimi.

Uh, you know,

I just want to say

that, uh, I know we've
teased each other a lot

over the last year,
and I-I truly hope

that you live a
long, miserable life.

You know, this possibly being

the last day and all, I
probably ought to tell you

I left you a few
little surprises

that you haven't, you
know, triggered yet.

Mimi, there's not
a thing you've done

that I don't know about.

Well, first off,

I been spitting
in the coffee pot.

That's disgusting!

Other people drink
from that coffee pot.

Friendly fire.

Oh, the other thing
I've been doing

is I've been
threatening the president

in your name.

Oh, and here's the biggie.

[rattling]

Oh! It's awake.

Aw, Mimi, you gave
me your firstborn.

[cabinet shaking]

Uh, Lashondra,

could you call animal
control, please?

Thank you.

[cabinet rattling]

Actually, there's only
one thing I did to you.

Uh, rest your hands
on the home keys

and look at the screen.

[telephone ringing]

[phone ringing]
- See ya!

[Mr. Bell]
Mimi!

[telephone ringing]

[Mr. Bell]
Pick up the damn phone!

What's the matter with you?

[telephone ringing]

Good one, pig.

Yeah, well, you got to get
up pretty early in the morning...

to put on all that makeup
and get here by 9:00.

Drew.

Hey, they faxed
over your loan papers.

All you have to do is sign.

Are you sure you
want to do this?

Are you kidding?

This is the paper that's
gonna set me free.

Stay away from
the file cabinet, Kate.

[cabinet rattling]

Mimi?

No, it's something
she put in there.

Oh, right this way,
Mr. Van Houten, sir.

Oh, by the way,

I have this keyboard
attached to my hands

so I'll always be working.

Mr. Carey, I'm Paul Van Houten

from Van Heusen, Van
Horton, and Van Halen.

Uh-huh.

I was informed of the
humor of that comment

by my translator.

Perhaps I shouldn't have
trusted an East German

to polish my zingers.

You know, you have a
lot of nerve coming in here,

buying things up,

and putting all these
people out of work.

Actually, we've decided
to keep everyone

below management.

Are you below management, miss?

You bet I am!

High five!

Ooh!

Ooh, I'm so sorry.

You're supposed to high-five me.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

Oh!

You're-you're a
regular American.

Good. Very-very good.

So you're firing all
of management, huh?

Well, that's fine,

'cause you see this
paper here, dutchy?

This paper says

I don't need this job anymore.

I'm gonna start my own business

I'm gonna be so successful,

I'm gonna buy and
sell people like you.

You're not fired.

We're interviewing management

and deciding who we're keeping

on a case-by-case basis.

Oh, thank God!

I-I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I-I-I mortgaged my house
on some beer scheme,

but I'm gonna need
a steady paycheck.

I don't even know
if it's gonna work.

It's a crazy beer and
coffee concoction.

Well, that's not so crazy.

I've heard that Heineken

is releasing a whole
line of coffee beers.

They should be in
the stores shortly.

What?

See? We do have
a sense of humor.

[laughing]

Let me see five on that.

Now let's get on
with the interview.

The biggest question

is why have you
been in the same job

for seven years?

I was taught that
if you work hard,

you'll get ahead,

and boy, I've been working hard,

but I can't get anywhere

because nobody
ever leaves this place.

Hell, no one even ever dies.

For a bunch of
beef-eating midwesterners,

we sure hold out a long time.

Then why didn't you leave?

Well, you know,
I-I love this place.

My mom used to take
me here when I was a kid.

You know if you flush
all the toilets at once,

you can get scalding water

out of the drinking fountains.

You make a loop around twice

and yank real hard.

Wow! And that's
legal in Amsterdam?

Uh, this beer thing,

are you really
going through with it?

Yeah, I figure what the hell?

It's about time I
tried something crazy.

I respect that.

I always wanted to
do something crazy.

But you'll forgive me

if I hope you're not successful,

because I'd like you
to stay with us here

at Winfred-Louder.

You mean I can keep my job?

Oh, thank you, Herr sir!

Is there anybody
you're not keeping?

Just one.

[chuckling]

I see you finally
got the keyboard

off your hand.

You're paying for this, idiot.

At least I can pay for it.

I still have my job.

[Mimi]
So do I, pig.

The Dutch boys just told me

they're keeping me on.

I laughed at that
stupid Van Halen thing.

Well, then if you're
not fired, then who is?

Mr. Bell?

What are you staring at, Carey?

You're acting like you
never seen me before.

Oh, my God!

Do you believe this?

Amsterdam is the city of whores,

and they accuse
me of philandering!

So you're the one
that's gettin' fired?

No. No, I'm just taking
all my possessions

for a little ride.

Sure you don't want to
rephrase that question

more stupidly?

Just hold on, just one second

'cause there's a few things
I've written down to say to you

in the event of
your early demise.

Really? What happened, Carey?

Did the wizard give
you some courage?

Alright. Here we go.

Let's see.

Oh, that's kind of spiteful.

Never met your mother.

A dated Saddam
Hussein reference.

You know what?

You just lost a job,
and it's hard out there.

Good luck.

Thanks, Carey.

I appreciate that.

By the way, uh...

you shake hands
like a little ballerina.

Uh, you know, sir, uh,
as a parting gesture,

I'd like to offer you a
letter of recommendation.

Oh?

I can't believe
you're doing this.

What a wimp.

Uh, it's called being
the bigger man, Mimi.

It's right here
in the top drawer

of the file cabinet.

Help yourself.

I'll race you to the
place we're gonna

say we're gonna be
after this happened.

[instrumental music]

You know, now that we're
gonna be brewing beer at home,

you won't have to
spend all your time here.

I don't spend so much time here.

- Beer Drew?
- Yeah, thanks.

- Hey, you hungry for a--
- Yeah.

- How about a--
- No.

- And one for your--
- No.

Here it is.

The first batch of Buzz Beer!

[all cheering]

Buzz Beer all around.

Alright.

Ow!

I thought you told
me this was twist-off.

Other way.

Oh.

Here's to buzz beer.

Now you can drink and
operate heavy machinery.

Now all we need is a jingle.

Hmm.

Oh, here's one.

- Oh.
- Hey!

♪ We've got a new beer ♪

♪ And I brew it
with my friends ♪

♪ The name is Buzz Beer ♪

♪ The one you
dunk doughnuts in ♪

♪ It's got that be-e-ean ♪

♪ And it's got caff-eine ♪

♪ Buzz Beer ♪

♪ Stay up, get drunk again! ♪

♪ I said again ♪

♪ Buzz Beer ♪

♪ Buzz Beer stay up
get drunk aga-a-ain ♪

[all cheering]