Original subtitles

My poor sister. There's no worse hell

than when your mother doesn't like

- who you're dating. - Yeah.

So, uh, what have you told your folks about me?

Oh, you know, the usual.

You haven't told them.

Call your mother right now.

It's long distance, they live in Florida.

Do it... now.

Oh...

This is crazy. She's gonna miss her stories.

Hi-hi, mom? It's Drew.

Yeah, oh, yeah everything's fine.

I just called to tell you I met a girl, and she's beautiful.

No, not just in my eyes.

[laughs]

Here, let me put you on speakerphone so you can talk to her yourself.

No, no, no. Drew, don't!

Mom?

[Mrs. Carey] He says he met someone, George.

He's probably gonna do that fake girl voice again.

[laughs]

No. I'm real. Hi, Mrs. Carey.

[Mrs. Carey] Oh, that's real convincing.

[dial tone]

Hey, she likes you. Let's go to lunch.

No. I-I don't feel like eating now.

Your mom thought I was a guy.

I-I wouldn't feel so bad,

but it's not the first time it's happened to me.

[theme music]

♪ Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

♪ Well, I woke up this morning ♪

♪ And got me some ribs ♪

♪ Woke up this morning ♪

♪ And I got me some ribs ♪

♪ I'm talkin' extra sauce on the side ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a rib man ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hnn-hnn hnn-hnn ♪

♪ Hey, lookin' ♪

♪ Ho ho ♪

Oh.

[cheering]

Well, I am sorry about the cubicle walls,

but I was brought here to motivate you people,

and I am breaking down

the barriers of communication.

Tom Cruson.

Wow! You're Tom Cruson.

You wrote "I was brought here to motivate you people

and I'm breaking down the barriers of communication."

And, uh, you're Drew Carey, right?

Yeah. How'd you know?

They said look for the big guy

with food all over him.

Do you want to introduce me to the office?

Yeah, h-hey, everybody, can I have your attention?

Drew, stop yelling. The walls are down.

Wipe yourself.

This is Tom Cruson.

He's a motivational speaker

and the board of directors has brought him in here

to help us shake this sales slump.

I need you all to give him your attention and respect.

You missed a spot on the back of your neck.

Thanks.

Tom?

Now, I don't have to tell you people these are hard times.

This store's on the brink of collapse.

[all gasping]

Oh, I'm sorry, that's next week

at Barney's.

But... this store isn't out of the woods, either.

Your board of directors has to choose between downsizing...

[all gasp]

Oh, stop it.

Or increasing productivity.

Now I'm here to help you do the latter

and we are gonna start with a more open exchange of ideas.

And you see this?

Now, this is your worst enemy.

[clattering]

From now on, I want to see face-to-face...

Communication between all departments.

Now, I don't care if you're in payroll.

You might have a good idea about sales

I don't care if you're a janitor

you might have a good idea about advertising.

I'm in security, and I have a good idea

about women's shoes.

Here.

You have issues.

Now, I want to hear some solutions.

If this were my store, I would... nothing.

If this were my store, I would... nothing.

If this were my store, I would...

Kill everyone.

Thank you.

Alright. I think you get the idea.

Friends, you have been wonderful.

I hope to see you all at my seminar tonight at 6:30,

and grab my new book on your way out.

It's a mystery, sort of a departure for me.

But the killer is very motivated.

- Oh, I have one. - Huh.

If this were my store,

I'd be a lot happier 'cause I'd be rich.

You'll never own a store

because you're too eager to please.

Work on that.

I hate you.

Much better.

Alright.

Man, have you lit a fire under me.

I am motivated!

If this were my store I would...

Sell it to the Japanese for big profit, buy a huge house,

and marry a supermodel 'cause I know she'd love me just for me.

That aside, can I ask a question?

Drew, do you have a question or an answer?

I'm pretty sure if it goes up at the end,

it's a question.

Now, I'm a real go-getter,

I-I'm a mover and a shaker here.

How come I've been stuck in the same job for seven years?

Well, have you gone to your boss and told him what you want?

Yeah, like a thousand times.

And you keep bouncing your head against the same wall?

Yeah. Well, you know, until you took 'em down.

[laughs]

Look, if you keep hitting the same wall,

go around it.

You see, there's a whole level of people above your boss Drew.

You've got to get their attention.

But you're invisible here.

Where's Drew? I can't see him, he's invisible.

Except for that spot of barbecue sauce

on the inside of your nose.

Sorry, it gets to the bloodstream faster that way.

How do I get their attention?

Ideas.

This store needs ideas.

Now, someone has to come up with those ideas.

Is it gonna be you?

Uh, my dad always said, "If keep your head down,

you'll work forever."

Your dad's a moron.

Now, lose some weight,

no one respects fat people.

Wow.

You have the courage to say

what others only say with their eyes.

Now, you go get that promotion, Drew so I'll be able to see ya.

And you can get their attention by...

Nothing.

And the last woman you slept with felt...

Nothing.

[instrumental music]

[muttering]

- Oh. - Oh!

- Ohh! - Ohh!

Alright, this is the idea that's finally gonna

prove to the board of directors, that I have the drive

and ambition to become the head of personnel.

Give it to us, big boy.

Hold onto your hats.

"All You Can Buy Day."

A customer comes in, he puts down $500,

he gets to keep whatever

he can carry out in half an hour.

Drew, I can carry out about 500 diamond rings.

Alright then, No jewelry.

Yeah, I could carry out a couple camcorders

and a microwave.

Alright, then no appliances.

I'd roll around in the fur coats.

This isn't "Queen for a Day," Oswald.

Alright, so it's a lousy idea,

but I gotta come up with something,

I want this job more than I've ever wanted anything.

More than pubic hair when you were 12?

Sure, like I got to use that in the next eight years.

When do you actually use it?

Oh, it's like lettuce under the fruit plate.

It's just there for presentation.

Oh!

What's wrong with me?

Why can't I come up with anything?

Oh, It's not just you. I mean, America's lost its way.

We're moving too far to the left.

Not politically, just too far to the left.

I just gotta put myself under more pressure.

Look, if I don't come up with something in 60 seconds,

somebody punch me.

Hey!

Sorry. We have lousy internal clocks.

You, know, uh, Drew, there's this guy at DrugCo

who wanted attention,

so, uh, he blew off his boss' head

and carried it around in a bowling bag all day.

- Lewis... - Yeah?

I'm going for Positive attention.

Ah. Well, that's harder.

Drew, these guys are businessmen, all they really care about

is if you can make them a buck.

Yeah, I guess you're right but,

so what's wrong with Winfred-Louder?

How come people don't shop there?

I know, it's their name.

"Winfred-Louder."

It sounds so stuffy and expensive,

not like Chuck E. Cheese.

You hear a name like Chuck E. Cheese,

and you know you're gonna

have some fun.

And some cheese.

[laughing]

Hey, hey, how about putting in a petting zoo?

Nah. Mimi bites.

Hey, how about a mascot?

Then, People will associate us

with something warm and inviting

instead of old money and greed.

We, uh, we tried a mascot at DrugCo.

A lab rat named Little Druggie.

One day he got really high

and moved to San Francisco.

He's got a coffee shop now.

What's its name?

Ratbucks.

[instrumental music]

I haven't heard one thing in this meeting

that's gonna stop this sales slump.

I didn't work my husband to death

so that you bootlicks could fritter this business away.

Shut up, coffin bait.

Hammond!

Oh, crap.

You got your, uh, hearing aid fixed.

It's okay. It's only gonna take a second.

Carey, what the hell are you doing in here?

Look, I'm sorry to barge in like this,

but, uh, it's impossible to get an appointment

and-and Tom Cruson said that we should come to you

if we had any ideas.

Look this will take a minute, Okay?

This is a great department store.

It's, it's a wonderful tradition in Cleveland.

So why aren't people shoppin' here?

Well, forgive me for saying this,

but this place is about as old and stuffy as...

Well, let's just say it's old and stuffy.

What's your point, Carey?

Well, if you want to get people into the store,

you gotta lighten things up a little.

You know, humanize it.

With what?

What's more human than animals?

Ad campaigns using animals are huge!

You got the Energizer Bunny, the Hush Puppy Hound,

Tony the Tiger.

Count Chocula.

Not an animal, but thanks for playing.

Look, we get real animals to be the mascots

and use them to do commercials.

Like in that movie "Babe."

We'll make them look like they're really talking.

You mean John Goodman wasn't really

talking in "Babe"?

Look, I'm a lousy artist, and I couldn't find the right puppets

to save my life,

so...

Satan! Oh, I like this.

No. I'm Louder the Bull,

strong, straightforward,

and ready to charge, at 18.5% interest.

We'll talk about that later.

Oh, I wonder what's gonna be next.

I hope it'll be a monkey.

Nope. It's Winfred the Camel.

'Cause I'm gonna bust my hump

to make you a satisfied customer.

Either that or I'll spit on you.

[laughing]

So, what do you think?

I-I'd hate to think I looked this stupid

for nothing.

It's risky.

But then so is every time I stand up in the tub.

Get with our advertising people.

I want to see storyboards

on that commercial.

You mean you're gonna do it?

Great! Thank you so very much.

You know what, I'm gonna get you some sticky flowers

for your bathtub 'cause I want you to live to see this.

[clears throat]

Oh, my throat's a little parched.

Do you mind if I, uh..

Whoo, man!

You ought to put an olive in that sir.

So what do you say?

What's the best place to shop in town?

Say it, Louder.

What's the best place

to shop in town?

No, Louder.

[Louder] What's the best place

to shop in town?

Ohh, you're making all my stomachs sick.

We go the distance to bring you big savings at Winfred-Louder.

And that's no bull. Take it from me.

[instrumental music]

[applauding]

Whoo!

I-I-I can't believe it.

It's-it's wonderful.

It's... it's genius.

You know, Drew, usually people wait

for other people to tell them that.

Oh, to tell 'em what?

That you're a genius.

Thank you. I know.

[laughs]

And you are gonna get to sleep with a genius.

Really?

And you won't get mad?

[laughs]

You did good, Drew.

You did real...

good.

Boy, all these years, I thought you could get ahead

by working hard,

and keeping your nose to the grindstone.

Hard work is for suckers.

You hear that, kids?

Wow, you really started something.

I have a great idea for the store,

but the line for the board room's like a mile long.

- "Shop by Candlelight"? - Uh-huh.

We'll turn off all the lights in the store

give everyone a candle.

It'll be really romantic.

You know, that's perfect.

Except why don't you call it, uh, "Shoplifting Night"?

Or "The Great Cleveland

Department Store Fire of '96?"

Drew, can I speak to you

for a moment... alone?

Oh, we'll See you later, Drew.

And I think it'd be fun to shop by candlelight.

Yeah, and if it doesn't work out,

we'll just have a "Backdraft to School" sale.

[laughing]

Uh, Drew, I-I know you're busy with this commercial stuff,

and, uh, I'm sorry to bother you,

but I need more overtime.

Oh, you know, I-I wanna help, Nora

but I've already given you more than I should.

I need it, Drew.

This is what I'm saving up for.

I'm buying myself a lumberjack.

Is that legal?

Who cares? Look at him.

Can't believe you can just buy a man.

Drew, I'm lonely.

You can relate.

Help me.

Alright, I'll do what I can,

Try and bend a few rules for you.

Hey, this prospector's

not too bad-looking.

How much for old cookie here?

I need to talk to you, Drew. Hello, Nora.

Who's looking for a man?

Drew.

Hey, uh, you wanna see my commercial again?

No, I don't need to, I've seen the testing.

It's wonderful.

You made us take one risk

and now we're gonna take another.

We're giving you a promotion.

Wow! I don't believe--

Finally! Head of personnel!

Whoo!

No. I'm making you head of promotions.

Wow.

What an honor.

Head of promotions and head of personnel.

Whoo!

No. Just head of promotions.

But I'm a personnel guy.

I-I-I do personnel.

Yes, and your flair for personnel

has kept you at the same desk for seven years.

You've shown us a spark, Drew.

What do you say?

Well... I don't want to sound ungrateful,

I mean, you know it is a great honor, but...

what if it doesn't work out?

I mean, can I get my old job back?

Oh, you'll have to discuss that with my nephew, Ian.

the new assistant director of personnel.

Well he's only 21. How did he...

Oh, you-your nephew Ian.

Fine, and we'll need

three more great ideas by Friday.

This Friday?

Every Friday.

That damn board of directors

wouldn't know a good idea

if it bit them in the ass.

Tattoo day.

Uh, free pizza day.

How about mustache day?

Okay, guess your weight day.

Guess my weight day.

Come on, I'm out of ideas, I need some help here.

Drew, as I see it, you need three ideas

before the board gets here in a few minutes.

Two if you want to go with candlelight shopping.

Oh, I only had one good idea.

What do people want from me?

Lots of guys built a career from one idea.

The White-Out guy, the, uh, Post-It note lady,

Pauly Shore.

You can do it, Drew.

You're creative.

You're the man who came up with the idea

for the foot-wide hot dog.

Yeah, too bad I ate the prototype.

Kate, I'm really in deep here.

I don't even want this job.

And somebody else has my job,

and if I don't come up with something, I am on the street.

Well, you can't worry about that now.

You've got to take care of this.

You're right.

Can't feel sorry for myself.

[snaps] Ideas, ideas...

What do mascots need?

Best friends, of course!

A beaver and a lizard.

I still got it. Three points at the buzzer.

- Whoo! - Whoo!

[clears throat]

You know, Ms. O'Brien,

you remind me of another headstrong young lady

who once sat in that chair,

smoked a cigar,

and dreamed of running the store.

[chuckles]

I fired her.

Now get the hell out of here.

So, boy genius,

your commercial's a success.

People are actually coming in to the store

and asking to see the camel and the bull.

We're very anxious to see

your latest brainstorm.

Well, it's not a beaver and a lizard,

I'll tell you that.

[chuckles]

Um...

We'll give people what they want.

We'll bring the camel and the bull from the commercial,

into our store for a personal appearance.

Oh, that's good.

So he wasn't a one-shot wonder.

I owe you ten bucks, Dottie.

Deduct it from the career you owe me Hammond,

shut up.

[instrumental music]

Have you ever seen anything like that mob downstairs?

There are so many people, we're gonna have

to bring the animals in through the basement.

It's like they've never seen

a camel and a bull together before.

Well, they haven't. They don't co-exist in nature anywhere.

What would happen if a camel and a bull got into a fight?

Eh, the bull would win, he's got the horns.

Yeah, But the camel's faster

and has the superior reach.

But if the camel

lured the bull into the desert...

- Ahh. - Ahh.

Gee, no wonder so many people

want to see these animals,

there's so much heated speculation.

My God, you guys are idiots.

Drew, I need you. Now.

Oh, please, tell me you got in a fight

with a really angry shopper.

We got a problem, Drew.

All the animals are upstairs in the board room.

What!? They're supposed to be downstairs chained to a pole

being poked at by little children

and crapping on the floor.

We tried to get them on to the freight elevator,

but the camel pushed all the buttons.

We ended up on the top floor, the doors opened

the animals bolted.

[sighs] - Where's the trainer?

Oh, did I mention that bolting included kickin' the trainer

right in his King Tuts.

Oh, man, did you call the zoo?

The zoo? That'd take forever

I called the police.

Not the police, they'll kill 'em!

Damn right.

I want my cufflinks back.

Wow! Ha-Ha. All of a sudden

I feel like a beer and a cigarette.

[laughs]

Carey, if we get out of here alive,

you're fired.

Alright, but you're gonna be missin' out on a lot of good ideas.

like Winfred and Louder here.

Chuck, shoot them.

I can't shoot an innocent animal ma'am.

Then shoot Drew.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, okay, we got an idea.

Now it's crazy, but it just might work.

we need to clear a path

from the bull to the door.

wel, thanks for coming to get me.

I knew the board of directors

would reconsider my proposal.

They're no dummies.

What?

[grunting]

Oh, crap.

[bull bellows]

[screaming]

And stay out of the China department!

Both of you!

Alright.

Now what about the camel?

Huh, I was never worried about the camel

I just didn't want the two of them ganging up on me.

Okay, come on, humpy, let's go.

I'm sick of you offering cigarettes

to our nation's youth.

Let's go! Let's get out of here.

Move it, move it, move it!

Oh, uh, on the other hand they only

may cause cancer.

Don't let him lure you into the desert!

[instrumental music]

Look at that.

They gave that motivational guy $25,000

to tear down the walls.

Now they're putting them back up.

At least my idea got a call from Bob Saget.

At least they gave you

your job back.

Yeah, thank God, there's some sense of justice.

They must have weighed my seven years of hard work

against the little Louder boy's two weeks of brown-nosing

and booted him out.

Ian Louder didn't get booted out.

They made him vice president of marketing.

Oh, why didn't I take

brown-nosing in college?

[laughs]

Come on, Drew you're not really that upset

about this, are you?

I.. No, not really.

Besides, he's going nowhere.

There's too many other highly qualified

blood-sucking nephews

ahead of him.

You know what?

I'm gonna work even harder

to get that promotion.

It's mine.

And I don't care if nobody here

appreciates how hard I work,

I am gonna get it.

Drew, could we talk?

I'll see you later, Drew.

I just wanted to thank you

for reinstating my overtime.

Now I can afford a lumberjack

with ten fingers who speaks English.

Couldn't happen to a nicer girl.

Congratulations, Nora.

You know, Drew, If I weren't so uptight and scared of my emotions,

I'd kiss you right now.

What the hell.

[chuckles]

I'm glad you're back.

Oh, and by the way,

don't ever tell Pierre that I did that,

or he'll make you sweetheart

of the logging camp.

Boy, are you

in trouble, dip-squat.

There's an angry mob downstairs

expecting a bull and a camel.

Gee, where's your parents when you really need 'em?

Yeah, You can make jokes now, doughboy,

but you're not gonna be jokin' when you find out

what Mrs. Louder wants you to do.

Oh, look, here comes Chuck..now.

Put your suit on, Louder.

How come I have to be the bull?

'Cause I got the gun.

[director] Cut! Alright, everybody. Let's take five.

Leave the animals on the set.

You're stepping on my lines, man.

Hey, at least I didn't relieve myself

in the middle of the scene.

You want to make something of it?

I could kick your butt from here to Bombay.

You talkin' to me?

Are you talkin' to me?

There's nobody else here, so you must be talkin' to me.

Oh, yeah, that's a good De Niro.

Uh-huh. Come here,

I want to show you something in the desert.

Oh, not again.