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1
00:00:01,353 --> 00:00:02,434
[knocking on door]
2
00:00:02,459 --> 00:00:04,088
Coming, Lisa.
3
00:00:07,133 --> 00:00:08,218
Excuse me, ma'am.
4
00:00:08,301 --> 00:00:10,595
Did you order the white meat?
5
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:18,394
Hey, Drew, what's
with the ribbon?
6
00:00:18,478 --> 00:00:19,938
You kidding? It's the
first time we can date
7
00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:21,523
without fear of losing our jobs.
8
00:00:21,606 --> 00:00:24,025
I now declare this relationship
9
00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:25,235
officially open.
10
00:00:25,318 --> 00:00:26,736
Hello!
11
00:00:26,819 --> 00:00:29,032
Later on, Noel Beck from
the daytime soap Loving
12
00:00:29,057 --> 00:00:30,073
will be here to sign autographs,
13
00:00:30,156 --> 00:00:32,319
and then you'll have all the
soft-serve you can handle.
14
00:00:32,346 --> 00:00:33,511
[chuckling]
15
00:00:33,535 --> 00:00:34,911
Soft-serve, huh?
16
00:00:34,994 --> 00:00:38,873
I thought that was just
because you were drinking.
17
00:00:38,957 --> 00:00:41,085
Oh, man, now i'm
out of soft-serve.
18
00:00:41,119 --> 00:00:42,978
[laughing]
19
00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:45,046
[Kate]
Is that my mother?!
20
00:00:45,129 --> 00:00:46,047
Happy birthday, Kate.
21
00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:47,048
[Kate]
Yeah.
22
00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:48,591
She sounds stressed.
23
00:00:48,675 --> 00:00:51,427
Is she okay about us having
dinner with her mom tonight?
24
00:00:51,511 --> 00:00:53,638
Actually, she's
handling it pretty well.
25
00:00:55,431 --> 00:00:58,393
Hey, bet you can't
ignite just one.
26
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:02,939
Sorry. Just killing mom
before time gets here.
27
00:01:03,022 --> 00:01:06,359
I mean, killing mom
before time gets here.
28
00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,571
I'm just killing mom
before time gets here.
29
00:01:09,654 --> 00:01:12,156
There we go. Yeah.
30
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,450
[laughing]
31
00:01:14,534 --> 00:01:17,453
And what are you
laughing at, McGigglepuss?
32
00:01:17,537 --> 00:01:19,080
I'm sorry.
33
00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:21,165
Is it Soviet housewife day?
34
00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:27,297
My mom gave me these clothes.
35
00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:28,965
If I don't wear 'em
on every birthday,
36
00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:31,426
I hear about it for
the next ten years.
37
00:01:31,509 --> 00:01:33,803
Thanks. Oh, by the way,
38
00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:35,972
do not mention that
I have a boyfriend.
39
00:01:36,055 --> 00:01:37,473
What? Jay's not coming?
40
00:01:37,557 --> 00:01:38,975
No way. I am too
serious about him
41
00:01:39,058 --> 00:01:40,977
to introduce him to my mother.
42
00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:42,437
[knocking on door]
43
00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:44,105
That's her. I am not here.
44
00:01:44,188 --> 00:01:45,148
Come on.
45
00:01:45,231 --> 00:01:46,441
No! I am sick. I can't!
46
00:01:46,524 --> 00:01:48,985
My grandma died!
I'm having my period!
47
00:01:49,068 --> 00:01:50,903
My alarm didn't go off!
I was caught in traffic!
48
00:01:50,987 --> 00:01:53,615
I was on a plane to Chicago!
49
00:01:53,698 --> 00:01:55,366
Hi, mommy.
50
00:01:55,450 --> 00:01:57,577
Hi, honey.
51
00:01:57,660 --> 00:01:59,579
Happy birthday.
52
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:07,962
Hi, Drew. Oh, look, I see
one new year's resolution
53
00:02:08,046 --> 00:02:10,715
that made a trip
to Baskin-Robbins.
54
00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:13,009
While I was there, I
picked up my new girlfriend.
55
00:02:13,092 --> 00:02:15,303
Mrs. O'Brien, this is Lisa.
56
00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:18,931
Oh, so you're the lucky
girl who landed Drew.
57
00:02:19,015 --> 00:02:20,475
Nah, actually, I
just fed him once,
58
00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:22,310
and he followed me home.
59
00:02:23,770 --> 00:02:25,647
So how's my
little birthday girl?
60
00:02:25,730 --> 00:02:27,357
Great. I'm doing bad at work,
61
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:28,816
and I'm not seeing anyone.
62
00:02:28,900 --> 00:02:30,068
Kate, your life's a disaster.
63
00:02:30,151 --> 00:02:31,653
But at least you look great.
64
00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:32,987
Yeah. Alright.
65
00:02:33,071 --> 00:02:35,031
I wouldn't be surprised
if it's another sweater.
66
00:02:35,114 --> 00:02:36,699
Happy birthday.
67
00:02:36,783 --> 00:02:40,578
Ooh, I hope this is the
one that lands me a man.
68
00:02:42,914 --> 00:02:44,832
Hey, uh, you know,
as long as you're here,
69
00:02:44,916 --> 00:02:45,917
why don't I get you my receipts,
70
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,002
so you can help me
get started on my taxes.
71
00:02:48,086 --> 00:02:49,170
Receipts?
72
00:02:49,253 --> 00:02:52,674
Aren't we growing up?
73
00:02:52,757 --> 00:02:53,966
Well, this is a step up.
74
00:02:54,050 --> 00:02:57,053
Last year you kept your
receipts in a chicken bucket.
75
00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:00,139
Drew, these are warranties.
76
00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:01,808
Oh, I'm sorry.
77
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,857
"Coupons, two-for-one specials,
78
00:03:09,941 --> 00:03:11,234
"big ideas,
79
00:03:11,317 --> 00:03:13,444
things that kinda look
like arrowheads..."
80
00:03:15,217 --> 00:03:16,550
Oh!
81
00:03:17,573 --> 00:03:21,244
Oh, there you are, you
naughty, naughty boy.
82
00:03:23,822 --> 00:03:24,765
[theme music]
83
00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:28,626
♪ Moon over Parma, bring
my love to me tonight ♪
84
00:03:28,710 --> 00:03:32,964
♪ Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
85
00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:34,716
♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪
86
00:03:34,799 --> 00:03:37,051
♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪
87
00:03:37,135 --> 00:03:39,470
♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪
88
00:03:43,596 --> 00:03:45,674
[instrumental music]
89
00:03:46,978 --> 00:03:48,521
So, you guys doing
your taxes, or..?
90
00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:50,273
Yep. And I have
figured out a way
91
00:03:50,356 --> 00:03:52,734
to take the granddaddy
of all deductions.
92
00:03:52,817 --> 00:03:56,988
I am gonna become
Oswald's legal guardian.
93
00:03:57,071 --> 00:03:59,949
Hey, are you crazy?
You can't adopt an adult.
94
00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:01,117
If you could, I would've adopted
95
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,453
Anna Nicole Smith years
ago and raised her right.
96
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,289
Au contraire..
97
00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:07,457
all I have to do is prove
98
00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:08,916
that Oswald is incompetent.
99
00:04:08,979 --> 00:04:10,352
[scoffs]
Who's crazy now?
100
00:04:10,377 --> 00:04:12,013
[chuckles]
101
00:04:12,037 --> 00:04:13,747
Certainly not Lewis.
102
00:04:14,424 --> 00:04:15,119
Hey, guys.
103
00:04:15,144 --> 00:04:16,014
- Hey.
- Hey.
104
00:04:16,039 --> 00:04:17,221
So what's up?
105
00:04:17,246 --> 00:04:19,427
Lewis is gonna become
my legal guardian.
106
00:04:19,510 --> 00:04:20,595
- Yep.
- Oh.
107
00:04:20,678 --> 00:04:21,763
You know, uh,
Kate, it'd be great
108
00:04:21,846 --> 00:04:23,723
if your mom could
help us pull this off.
109
00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:26,017
Oh, nice thing to
say about a woman
110
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:28,453
who's been institutionalized
for the last 20 years.
111
00:04:29,319 --> 00:04:31,314
What are you talking
about institutionalized?
112
00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,523
Drew and Kate went out
to dinner with her last night--
113
00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:36,652
Oh.
114
00:04:36,736 --> 00:04:38,817
Why don't you get
daddy a Jägermeister?
115
00:04:38,842 --> 00:04:39,715
Okay.
116
00:04:43,743 --> 00:04:45,953
So what is this?
117
00:04:46,037 --> 00:04:47,622
You don't want me
to meet your mom?
118
00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:48,748
You know, if you're
embarrassed of me,
119
00:04:48,831 --> 00:04:49,916
just come right out and say it.
120
00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:51,959
I think she just did. Ow!
121
00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:54,462
I'm just trying to protect you.
122
00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:56,672
My mother thinks I'm
attracted to all the wrong men.
123
00:04:56,756 --> 00:04:59,467
She'll be looking to
find any little fault in you.
124
00:04:59,550 --> 00:05:01,803
Relax. Moms love
me. They always have.
125
00:05:01,886 --> 00:05:04,013
First off, they're
women, and i'm...
126
00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:05,556
well, I'm me.
127
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,976
Plus I'm polite, I'm
hard-working, I'm stable.
128
00:05:09,060 --> 00:05:10,311
Yeah. Kate, you
finally met a guy
129
00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:11,813
you can take home to
mom. What's not to like?
130
00:05:11,896 --> 00:05:12,980
I'd lose the earring.
131
00:05:13,064 --> 00:05:15,149
I'd take the hair down an inch.
132
00:05:15,233 --> 00:05:19,403
Mmm. And how about a skosh
more room in those jeans?
133
00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:21,197
Believe me, it's not
the jeans. It's the skosh.
134
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:23,282
Whoo.
135
00:05:23,366 --> 00:05:26,327
So, what do you say,
Kate? Can I meet her?
136
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,579
Alright, to prove
how much I love you,
137
00:05:28,663 --> 00:05:29,914
we'll go.
138
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,874
But just have Oswald
kick you in the skosh.
139
00:05:31,958 --> 00:05:33,590
It'll feel like you met her.
140
00:05:33,615 --> 00:05:35,205
[upbeat music]
141
00:05:35,230 --> 00:05:37,255
Ah. That's my boy.
142
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:42,093
[all laughing]
143
00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:45,221
Hey, Mrs. O'Brien,
that was a great meal.
144
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:47,306
What was the name
of that soup again?
145
00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:48,683
I told you already.
146
00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:50,560
But we forgot.
147
00:05:50,643 --> 00:05:51,769
[sighs]
Cockle stew.
148
00:05:51,793 --> 00:05:53,793
[laughing]
149
00:05:53,813 --> 00:05:54,856
What stew?
150
00:05:54,939 --> 00:05:58,359
Cockle, cockle, cockle!
What are you, 13?!
151
00:06:00,111 --> 00:06:02,238
Ah, look, let's get
back to my taxes.
152
00:06:02,321 --> 00:06:03,698
Now, do you think
there's any way
153
00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:05,950
we can prove that Oswald's
mentally incompetent?
154
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,828
I think it would be harder
to prove that he's not.
155
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:09,954
We're gonna be rich!
156
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:11,956
[both]
Whoo!
157
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,375
You know, there are
other ways to get rich.
158
00:06:14,458 --> 00:06:17,086
You could use your
God-given talents.
159
00:06:17,169 --> 00:06:18,963
Oswald...
160
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,633
you used to play the
piano so beautifully.
161
00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:26,053
And Lewis, whatever
happened to your poetry?
162
00:06:26,137 --> 00:06:28,431
I'm still a poet. Want
to hear a limerick
163
00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:30,099
with the word Cockle in it?
164
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:32,035
[laughing]
165
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:34,520
Anybody like an
after-dinner drink?
166
00:06:34,604 --> 00:06:35,479
Sure, I'll have one.
167
00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:36,981
Oh, really?
168
00:06:37,982 --> 00:06:39,483
Would you like the whole bottle?
169
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:42,028
Mrs. O'Brien, perhaps the
brightest ray of sunshine
170
00:06:42,111 --> 00:06:43,404
that your daughter's
brought into my life
171
00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:45,406
is that I no longer
have to drink alone.
172
00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,158
[Oswald & Lewis]
Aww...
173
00:06:49,035 --> 00:06:51,022
You know, you might as
well take the bottle now.
174
00:06:51,047 --> 00:06:52,781
[laughing]
175
00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:53,915
Here, let me give you
a hand cleaning up.
176
00:06:53,998 --> 00:06:55,666
No. Sit down.
177
00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:56,834
Boy, you're well trained.
178
00:06:56,918 --> 00:06:58,377
Mother or ex-wife?
179
00:06:58,461 --> 00:06:59,754
Little of both.
180
00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:01,422
Well, those things happen.
181
00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:04,467
So how long you been divorced?
182
00:07:04,550 --> 00:07:07,637
It's been a while,
about four months.
183
00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,931
Hey! Do you guys
want to see my room?!
184
00:07:10,014 --> 00:07:11,807
Mom kept it
exactly how I left it.
185
00:07:11,891 --> 00:07:13,392
It's like I'm dead.
186
00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:15,019
Wow!
187
00:07:15,457 --> 00:07:16,350
[sighs]
188
00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:19,649
Drew, give me a
hand with the dishes?
189
00:07:19,732 --> 00:07:20,775
Yeah, but Jay offered--
190
00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:21,817
Drew.
191
00:07:21,901 --> 00:07:24,737
Yes, Mrs. O'Brien.
192
00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:26,197
So, uh, what do
you think of Jay?
193
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:27,531
He's a pretty nice guy, huh?
194
00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:29,200
Actually, he scares
the life out of me.
195
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:31,702
No. Oswald's the
one with the curly hair.
196
00:07:31,786 --> 00:07:33,079
Drew, the guy just got divorced.
197
00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:35,039
He'll latch onto any woman
that pays him attention
198
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,624
'cause he misses having a wife.
199
00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:39,585
And then when he realizes how
much fun it is to be single again,
200
00:07:39,669 --> 00:07:40,795
he'll move on.
201
00:07:40,878 --> 00:07:43,881
You know her. He's
gonna break her heart.
202
00:07:43,965 --> 00:07:45,508
No, he won't. I've known
him since high school.
203
00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:48,344
Really? So, what was
he like in high school?
204
00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:51,013
Uh, he broke a lot of
hearts, but you know...
205
00:07:51,097 --> 00:07:53,933
people change. I mean,
Jay's not gonna hurt her.
206
00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:55,851
Why, because he's your friend?
207
00:07:55,935 --> 00:07:59,355
No. There's, uh, secret
reasons. Can't tell you.
208
00:08:00,940 --> 00:08:02,358
Drew...
209
00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:03,442
Bye. Gotta go.
210
00:08:03,526 --> 00:08:05,486
Look me in the eye.
211
00:08:05,569 --> 00:08:08,364
Do you really have
a secret reason?
212
00:08:08,447 --> 00:08:09,573
No.
213
00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:10,825
Do you want to see
Kate get hurt again?
214
00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:12,326
No.
215
00:08:12,410 --> 00:08:14,370
Are you the one that painted
pubic hair on my garden gnomes?
216
00:08:14,453 --> 00:08:16,080
[cups rattling]
217
00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:20,835
No. I mean, yes.
218
00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,670
So you'll talk to Kate?
219
00:08:22,753 --> 00:08:24,755
Yeah, I-I'll talk to her.
220
00:08:25,619 --> 00:08:28,619
[instrumental music]
221
00:08:30,428 --> 00:08:32,596
Hey, Gutmaster.
222
00:08:34,098 --> 00:08:35,307
Hi, Mimi.
223
00:08:35,391 --> 00:08:39,145
Say, uh, anyone ever
mistake you for a woman?
224
00:08:43,816 --> 00:08:46,084
I'll have you know
that men find me--
225
00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:47,820
Yeah, I know. They find
you with the lights out,
226
00:08:47,903 --> 00:08:52,074
or they find you
at last call, or...
227
00:08:52,158 --> 00:08:53,617
they find you blocking
the view of the woman
228
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,953
they want to hit on.
229
00:08:56,037 --> 00:08:59,206
Oh, you're really on
today. I'll come back later.
230
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:03,267
Been waiting six
months for that setup.
231
00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:04,253
[clears throat]
232
00:09:05,087 --> 00:09:06,797
- Hey, Kate.
- Hey.
233
00:09:06,881 --> 00:09:08,758
Uh, I've been looking all over
for ya. You know, I had a..
234
00:09:08,841 --> 00:09:10,593
had a little talk with
your mother yesterday.
235
00:09:10,676 --> 00:09:11,969
About what?
236
00:09:12,053 --> 00:09:13,763
Oh, you know, the city dump,
237
00:09:13,846 --> 00:09:15,514
dump trucks, when
Jay's going to dump ya.
238
00:09:15,598 --> 00:09:16,682
Nuclear dumping.
239
00:09:16,766 --> 00:09:19,518
♪ Dump-Dee-dum-dump
Dee-dum dump-dum-dump ♪
240
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:21,812
Damn it. I don't believe her.
241
00:09:21,896 --> 00:09:23,647
Look, she got me
concerned, you know.
242
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:24,940
Jay's just coming off a divorce.
243
00:09:25,024 --> 00:09:26,525
I mean, he's a good
friend and a nice guy
244
00:09:26,609 --> 00:09:29,361
but, you know, he
is on the rebound.
245
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:31,572
Alright,
246
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,407
what are you trying to say,
247
00:09:33,491 --> 00:09:35,534
that I'm not worthy
of having a nice guy
248
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:37,953
become seriously
interested in me? Is that it?
249
00:09:38,037 --> 00:09:40,164
Do you want me
to prove it to you?
250
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:41,499
Don't do anything crazy.
251
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:43,250
Look. Here comes Jay now.
252
00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:44,585
He's probably gonna
prove us both wrong.
253
00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:45,795
And he's smiling.
254
00:09:45,878 --> 00:09:49,673
He's happy Jay coming
to talk to happy Kate.
255
00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:51,967
Uh, Kate, bad news. I
can't make it Saturday night.
256
00:09:52,051 --> 00:09:54,178
Um, I got an out-of-state
move. But it won't be long.
257
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:55,387
It's just some guy
who's moving out
258
00:09:55,471 --> 00:09:56,597
while his girlfriend's at work.
259
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,724
Uhh. Some guys are such cowards.
260
00:09:58,808 --> 00:10:00,351
Excuse me.
261
00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:04,146
Okay if I come with?
262
00:10:04,230 --> 00:10:06,774
I mean, it'd be a great
chance to sit and talk.
263
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:09,318
Sure. I'd love to
have you along, Kate.
264
00:10:09,401 --> 00:10:12,446
I'm just guessing what
you're gonna say. Go ahead.
265
00:10:12,530 --> 00:10:14,490
But I don't have
room in the cab.
266
00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:15,908
Yeah, but you'd have room
if your life depended on it.
267
00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:17,827
Wouldn't ya, buddy.
You hear what i'm sayin'?
268
00:10:17,910 --> 00:10:19,245
Fire in the hole!
269
00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:26,669
Drew, relax.
270
00:10:26,752 --> 00:10:28,504
Jay and I are just having
a little conversation
271
00:10:28,587 --> 00:10:29,588
about a trip.
272
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:33,134
So, after this trip,
273
00:10:33,217 --> 00:10:35,511
how long do you see
us being together?
274
00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:37,346
Wow.
275
00:10:38,931 --> 00:10:40,224
I don't know. My
ex-wife asked that once,
276
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:43,477
and I said forever. Well,
and that didn't last, so...
277
00:10:43,561 --> 00:10:44,645
- Forever.
- Um-hm.
278
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:49,150
So that's the level
of your commitment?
279
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:50,276
Forever?
280
00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:51,402
Well, I'd go beyond that,
281
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,362
but that's not
scientifically possible.
282
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:56,157
Oh, you and your facts.
283
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:57,867
Kate, don't push me.
I'm not ready for this.
284
00:10:57,950 --> 00:10:59,618
Jay, I want you to tell me
285
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:01,328
where you think this
relationship is going.
286
00:11:01,412 --> 00:11:02,454
Now!
287
00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:03,932
[sighs]
288
00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:05,666
Fine. I'm outta here.
289
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:08,752
Jay, if you don't
come back right now,
290
00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,045
you can keep walking!
291
00:11:10,129 --> 00:11:11,338
Oh, he'll be back any second.
292
00:11:11,422 --> 00:11:12,631
Look, here he comes.
293
00:11:12,715 --> 00:11:15,259
Ah, he's bluffing. He's... gone.
294
00:11:17,116 --> 00:11:18,089
[sighs]
295
00:11:18,971 --> 00:11:20,890
I blew it, Drew.
296
00:11:20,973 --> 00:11:24,518
So, uh, who are
you mom-mad at?
297
00:11:24,602 --> 00:11:27,521
Mom-me or would
you mother not say?
298
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,880
[instrumental music]
299
00:11:32,610 --> 00:11:33,861
[knocking on door]
300
00:11:35,946 --> 00:11:37,406
Hello, Lynn.
301
00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:39,200
I am bringing all
these clothes back,
302
00:11:39,283 --> 00:11:41,577
and I want my pony.
303
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,579
Honey, what's wrong?
304
00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:45,664
[sighs]
You know what's wrong.
305
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:48,375
You used my best friend to
try to break up my relationship.
306
00:11:48,459 --> 00:11:49,960
I just wanted Drew to warn you.
307
00:11:50,044 --> 00:11:52,379
You haven't listened to me
since you were ten years old.
308
00:11:52,463 --> 00:11:54,757
You can't keep
interfering with my life.
309
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:58,344
I only sent Drew because
I was worried about you.
310
00:11:58,427 --> 00:12:00,596
Worried about what? Jay
is the most wonderful man
311
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,640
I've ever met in my life.
312
00:12:02,723 --> 00:12:04,892
Fine. If you want me to,
313
00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:06,018
I'll-I'll meet him again
314
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:08,854
and get to know him better.
315
00:12:08,938 --> 00:12:11,565
You can't. He left me.
316
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:16,237
I'm sorry. It'll be okay.
317
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:20,658
If only there was some way that
we could anticipate these things.
318
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:23,535
Oh, yeah, I guess we
could listen to our mother.
319
00:12:23,619 --> 00:12:25,093
[groans]
320
00:12:25,118 --> 00:12:26,956
Can't you ever stop?
321
00:12:27,039 --> 00:12:29,833
Not when I see you making
the same mistake over and over.
322
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:32,336
And the perfect guy is
right under your nose.
323
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,421
What are you talking about?
324
00:12:34,505 --> 00:12:36,298
Drew.
325
00:12:36,382 --> 00:12:37,758
Have you ever thought
about dating him?
326
00:12:37,841 --> 00:12:40,594
You know, your father
was my best friend.
327
00:12:40,678 --> 00:12:42,471
We were very happy.
328
00:12:44,139 --> 00:12:45,891
You're right.
329
00:12:45,975 --> 00:12:48,894
You know, I should
call Drew right now
330
00:12:48,978 --> 00:12:51,689
and see if he wants
to start a relationship.
331
00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:53,190
'Cause it's the end of the world
332
00:12:53,274 --> 00:12:56,610
and my mom's been
chugging cough syrup again!
333
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,073
No, I never thought
about dating Drew.
334
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,199
In the first place,
335
00:13:02,283 --> 00:13:03,450
Drew's in a relationship.
336
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:06,912
In the second
place, Drew's... Drew!
337
00:13:06,996 --> 00:13:09,373
So, what's the
matter, he's too stable?
338
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,208
He's got too good of a job?
339
00:13:11,292 --> 00:13:13,627
- Oh, he treats you too nicely?
- Yeah.
340
00:13:13,711 --> 00:13:16,130
You know, I think you
better stop looking at the guys
341
00:13:16,213 --> 00:13:18,646
with the tightest butts
and start looking at,
342
00:13:18,713 --> 00:13:20,217
Drew.
343
00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:25,472
Hey, I'm sure Drew's
butt is plenty tight.
344
00:13:25,556 --> 00:13:27,266
[sighs]
Ugh.
345
00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:30,019
Now you have me
thinking of Drew's butt.
346
00:13:30,102 --> 00:13:33,188
Just for that...
347
00:13:33,272 --> 00:13:34,815
Grammy's legs.
348
00:13:34,898 --> 00:13:37,735
[imitating old man]
Katie... grampy's weepy eye.
349
00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:40,571
You're just... you're...
350
00:13:40,631 --> 00:13:43,631
[instrumental music]
351
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,202
Hey, anybody want
another drinky-poo?
352
00:13:47,286 --> 00:13:48,579
Yeah.
353
00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:50,080
Who the hell are you?
354
00:13:50,164 --> 00:13:51,970
What are you doing
in my rumpus room?
355
00:13:52,030 --> 00:13:53,266
[laughs]
356
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:54,835
I think we're fine.
357
00:13:54,859 --> 00:13:55,937
[laughing]
358
00:13:55,961 --> 00:13:57,671
Hey, how's the
adoption coming along?
359
00:13:57,755 --> 00:14:00,799
Stupid Oswald passed
the competency test.
360
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:03,927
Thank you, normal,
functioning adult.
361
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:08,474
That's Dr. Normal,
Functioning Adult to you, sir.
362
00:14:08,529 --> 00:14:10,368
[all laughing]
363
00:14:10,392 --> 00:14:12,436
How you hanging in there, tiger?
364
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,146
Fine. Why wouldn't I be?
365
00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:15,230
Men are slime.
366
00:14:15,314 --> 00:14:17,524
Amen to that, sister.
367
00:14:17,608 --> 00:14:19,735
Besides, it is stupid Jay.
368
00:14:19,818 --> 00:14:23,072
I promised myself I am not
going to cry over that loser.
369
00:14:23,155 --> 00:14:24,073
Alright.
370
00:14:24,156 --> 00:14:25,199
Besides,
371
00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:28,035
I can have any man
in this bar. Am I right?
372
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:29,578
- Hey, shh.
- Whoo!
373
00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:30,913
Hey, hey!
374
00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:32,206
She's been drinking.
375
00:14:32,289 --> 00:14:34,708
And I know there's
not a man in this bar
376
00:14:34,792 --> 00:14:36,460
that would take advantage of
a woman who's been drinking.
377
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:37,503
[whispers]
I have a gun.
378
00:14:37,586 --> 00:14:39,630
I have a gun!
379
00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:42,633
Hey, we still got time.
380
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:44,051
Let's get a few more pitchers.
381
00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:45,636
Yo!
382
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,012
Hey, ho. Ooh!
383
00:14:47,096 --> 00:14:48,555
You and Lewis don't have to
work first thing in the morning,
384
00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:50,265
but me and Kate do.
We're calling it a night.
385
00:14:50,349 --> 00:14:52,976
Oh, you giving
up, you big baby?!
386
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:57,773
Fine. Go home and crawl
into your rubber sheets.
387
00:14:57,856 --> 00:14:59,733
I'm staying.
388
00:14:59,817 --> 00:15:01,151
Well, so am I.
389
00:15:02,495 --> 00:15:03,670
[Kate laughing]
390
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:07,241
Hey, honey, they
got Kiss from a Rose.
391
00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:09,952
No, not Kiss from a Rose.
392
00:15:10,035 --> 00:15:11,703
That was Jay and my song.
393
00:15:11,787 --> 00:15:13,414
Oh, I'm sorry. You
gonna be okay?
394
00:15:13,497 --> 00:15:17,626
Well, if you mean by okay,
am I gonna weep uncontrollably,
395
00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:19,545
curl into a fetal position,
396
00:15:19,628 --> 00:15:22,047
then sure, I'll be okay.
397
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:26,427
Oh, man.
398
00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:28,554
Hey, listen, pal,
399
00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:31,098
listen, uh, my friend is
just kinda going through
400
00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:33,058
a little bit of a rough
time, there you know.
401
00:15:33,142 --> 00:15:35,519
If you play that song, it's
just gonna 'bout kill her.
402
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,855
[scoffs]
That's my girl's song.
403
00:15:37,938 --> 00:15:40,190
and I'm going to
Bosnia tomorrow.
404
00:15:40,274 --> 00:15:42,609
I'm planning on proposing to her
405
00:15:42,693 --> 00:15:43,944
right in the middle of the song.
406
00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:45,446
[Kate sobbing]
407
00:15:45,529 --> 00:15:47,906
Look, there's plenty other
romantic songs on the thing.
408
00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:52,202
Look, there's, uh,
Dude Looks Like a Lady.
409
00:15:52,286 --> 00:15:53,620
Freebird.
410
00:15:53,704 --> 00:15:56,331
Uh, Cop Killa.
411
00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:58,250
Listen, man, I'm playing
the Seal song,
412
00:15:58,333 --> 00:15:59,751
so get outta my face.
413
00:15:59,835 --> 00:16:00,794
Whatever, dude.
414
00:16:00,878 --> 00:16:02,337
[coin falls]
Oh, I'm sorry.
415
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:10,846
Hey, you know, I'm an idiot.
416
00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:11,972
Of course, you have every right
417
00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:13,557
to play that song for your girl,
418
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,641
and you know what?
419
00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:17,394
It's on me.
420
00:16:17,478 --> 00:16:19,771
Aww.
421
00:16:19,855 --> 00:16:22,816
Drew, you saved my life.
422
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:24,610
Ohh.
423
00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:27,488
Ahh, you know what?
424
00:16:27,571 --> 00:16:29,239
Jay and I don't
even have a song.
425
00:16:29,323 --> 00:16:31,492
We have a color.
426
00:16:31,575 --> 00:16:33,869
Don't let him play Red!
427
00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:37,831
So what song are we gonna be
listening to for the next half hour?
428
00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:39,958
I don't know. Whatever K-9 is.
429
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:42,753
[dog barking Jingle Bells]
430
00:16:49,464 --> 00:16:51,964
[instrumental music]
431
00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:53,597
Are we there yet?
432
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,723
I told you.
433
00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:57,309
We got a flat tire
20 minutes ago.
434
00:16:57,392 --> 00:17:00,062
But the cab's still moving.
435
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:02,439
I made a deal with the guy.
436
00:17:02,523 --> 00:17:04,024
He's not charging
us for the spinning.
437
00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:05,776
[Kate]
Oh.
438
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:10,197
Drew, thanks for driving
around with me and talking.
439
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,281
Oh, that's alright.
440
00:17:11,365 --> 00:17:13,075
You know, if we
get home right now,
441
00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:14,701
we'll still have 15
minutes to cling to our beds
442
00:17:14,785 --> 00:17:15,911
before we have to go to work.
443
00:17:16,125 --> 00:17:18,125
[laughing]
444
00:17:19,498 --> 00:17:21,542
♪ Ruff-ruff-ruff... ♪
445
00:17:21,625 --> 00:17:22,960
♪ Ruff-ruff-ruff... ♪
446
00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:24,253
Don't do that anymore.
447
00:17:24,336 --> 00:17:25,921
Oh, sorry.
448
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,005
Ooh.
449
00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:29,716
Hold my hand.
450
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,718
You going to throw up again?
451
00:17:31,802 --> 00:17:33,303
I didn't say, "Hold my hair."
452
00:17:33,387 --> 00:17:36,056
I said, "Hold my hand."
453
00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:40,686
[chuckling]
It's okay, Kate.
There'll be other guys.
454
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:42,187
Of course, your
mom will hate 'em,
455
00:17:42,271 --> 00:17:44,731
but, you know,
eventually she'll be dead.
456
00:17:47,985 --> 00:17:50,937
So how serious are
you and this Lisa girl?
457
00:17:51,944 --> 00:17:54,449
Oh, Kate, you know, all
relationships are different.
458
00:17:54,533 --> 00:17:56,577
You can't judge yours by
what's going on with mine.
459
00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:58,620
Think you'll marry her?
460
00:17:58,704 --> 00:18:01,081
Pfft. I don't know. We're
not that far along yet.
461
00:18:01,164 --> 00:18:02,249
Hmm.
462
00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:09,798
Kiss me.
463
00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:11,466
What?
464
00:18:11,550 --> 00:18:13,260
Kiss.
465
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:15,095
Kate, you don't know
what you're saying.
466
00:18:15,178 --> 00:18:18,015
You're drunk, and
you've been throwin' up.
467
00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:21,143
What? My-my mom says
I should be dating you.
468
00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:22,686
I think she's right.
469
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,938
I always say I should be dating
470
00:18:25,022 --> 00:18:26,523
someone exactly like you.
471
00:18:26,607 --> 00:18:28,609
And who's more
like you than you?
472
00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:30,485
Tell me that, you.
473
00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:36,617
Wow. Well, I don't
know what to say.
474
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:38,368
Would've been nice if
you would have told me this
475
00:18:38,452 --> 00:18:40,203
a long time ago.
476
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:43,206
Eh, we probably would've
started dating and broken up,
477
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,167
and then I wouldn't have
you as my best friend.
478
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:47,794
Besides, you need a
guy who's more like Jay.
479
00:18:47,878 --> 00:18:50,672
You know, I mean,
this could work out, but,
480
00:18:50,756 --> 00:18:52,633
you know, you'd have
to be drunk all the time.
481
00:18:58,639 --> 00:19:00,223
Kate?
482
00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:08,148
You know, I covered for
you on those garden gnomes.
483
00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:11,610
But... we're even,
484
00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:14,696
'cause I'm gonna take 50 bucks out
of your purse to pay for the cab ride.
485
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:18,220
[instrumental music]
486
00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:24,623
Hi, Drew.
487
00:19:24,706 --> 00:19:26,875
Hey. How are you feeling?
488
00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:29,461
[Kate]
Um, not so good.
489
00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:31,672
A-about last night,
490
00:19:31,755 --> 00:19:34,508
you-you know I-I
was drunk, right?
491
00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:35,926
You were drunk?
492
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:39,096
Oh, no. What am I
gonna do with this ring?
493
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:40,639
And I already
broke up with Lisa.
494
00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:43,350
I told my mother.
She was so happy.
495
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:45,936
[sobbing]
How could you
do this to me?
496
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:51,942
I suppose the sex didn't
mean anything to you either.
497
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:54,820
- Drew?
- What?
498
00:19:54,903 --> 00:19:58,115
You had so much to drink,
you couldn't get your eyelids up.
499
00:20:00,492 --> 00:20:02,327
Thanks for understanding.
500
00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:04,329
So, why am I here
and who am I meeting?
501
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:06,164
Uh, I can't tell you yet.
502
00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:07,916
[clearing throat]
503
00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:12,546
You did this?
504
00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:14,381
You got Jay and my mom together
505
00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:15,757
and had them come down here?
506
00:20:15,841 --> 00:20:18,343
Or wait. Are they dating?
507
00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:21,388
We were talking.
508
00:20:21,471 --> 00:20:23,890
I called your mom and I
asked her if your acting crazy
509
00:20:23,974 --> 00:20:26,601
had anything to do with
what went on the night before.
510
00:20:26,685 --> 00:20:27,936
Exactly. So I was
honest with him.
511
00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:29,354
I told him that
I liked him fine,
512
00:20:29,438 --> 00:20:30,981
but that you had your doubts.
513
00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:34,359
He saw right through that,
which led to a big screaming fight.
514
00:20:34,443 --> 00:20:37,487
Which led to spaghetti
leftovers. He's okay.
515
00:20:37,571 --> 00:20:38,905
I can't believe this.
516
00:20:38,989 --> 00:20:41,241
What did you say to
maker her change her mind?
517
00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:44,911
I told her that I love
you. I'll never hurt you.
518
00:20:44,995 --> 00:20:47,205
And I hope this goes on forever.
519
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:50,208
Oh, and I hired her
as my accountant.
520
00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:52,419
See, everything worked
out just the way I planned it.
521
00:20:52,502 --> 00:20:53,795
Drew, you had
nothing to do with this.
522
00:20:53,879 --> 00:20:55,922
We just came down here
to ask you out to lunch.
523
00:20:56,006 --> 00:20:58,300
Oh, so I guess that
means you're buying, huh?
524
00:20:58,383 --> 00:20:59,760
He can afford it, right?
525
00:20:59,843 --> 00:21:02,429
Uh, well, a lot more
than you can, Drew.
526
00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:05,432
You owe $213.83.
527
00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:08,435
Oh, well, isn't that great?
528
00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:09,978
What a country.
529
00:21:10,061 --> 00:21:13,106
You get a boyfriend,
you get a new client,
530
00:21:13,190 --> 00:21:15,025
and I get screwed.
531
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:17,486
Well, God bless America.
532
00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:21,156
Well, you guys go ahead and clear
outta here. I got something to do.
533
00:21:21,239 --> 00:21:23,283
I'll meet you down
at the restaurant.
534
00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:25,202
So, why'd you call me
up here in the first place?
535
00:21:25,285 --> 00:21:26,286
I'll explain to you later.
536
00:21:26,369 --> 00:21:28,038
Hey, did your mom
just grab Jay's butt?
537
00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:33,376
Hey.
538
00:21:33,460 --> 00:21:35,712
Where's this Kate?
I'm dying to meet her.
539
00:21:38,298 --> 00:21:41,343
Look, man, I-I-I'm sorry. I just
can't introduce you two now.
540
00:21:41,426 --> 00:21:42,594
Kind of a bad time.
541
00:21:42,677 --> 00:21:44,679
You said I was just
what she was looking for.
542
00:21:44,763 --> 00:21:47,307
You're a good-looking guy.
You'll meet other women.
543
00:21:47,390 --> 00:21:51,144
Hey, you kidding, man? I have
to pay women to go out with me.
544
00:21:51,228 --> 00:21:52,646
Alright, get the hell
out of here, buddy.
545
00:21:52,729 --> 00:21:53,897
Hey, come on!
546
00:21:55,774 --> 00:21:57,317
So much crap,
547
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,153
they had to start a second pile.
548
00:22:02,544 --> 00:22:05,544
[instrumental music]
549
00:22:08,370 --> 00:22:11,623
Ode to Mrs. O'Brien, by Lewis.
550
00:22:11,706 --> 00:22:12,791
[piano plays]
551
00:22:12,874 --> 00:22:14,626
"Your love is eternal
552
00:22:14,709 --> 00:22:16,670
"and infinitely true,
553
00:22:16,753 --> 00:22:18,505
"your wisdom and encouragement
554
00:22:18,588 --> 00:22:20,006
"has guided us through,
555
00:22:20,090 --> 00:22:22,259
"we bow to your beauty
556
00:22:22,342 --> 00:22:24,678
"and intellect, too.
557
00:22:24,761 --> 00:22:27,681
Cockle, cockle, cockle stew."
36776
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