All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S01E19 - An Atomic Cat Fight (720p DVD Upscale x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

Man, Chuck, I really
gotta thank you

for letting me in
your carpool like this.

Although it is kind of rude

you haven't introduced
me to your girlfriend. Pfft.

She's not my girlfriend, Drew.

And neither is she your mama.

Whoo!

So whose little
puppy are you, huh?

Oh, this is Wolfgang,

our newest graduate
of the training school.

Wow.

Right out of school
and you get a job?

Whose leg did you hump?

I'd back off on the
sarcasm, Drew.

Wolfie here is
trained to kill.

Anyone not in a
uniform, that is.

And by the way, anyone
know its attack word?

Oh, I think it was, "Attack!"

[laughing]

Relax, Drew. We wouldn't
use such an obvious word.

Oh, by the way,
that's real good.

Make a lot of jerky movements
in the dog's peripheral vision.

Yeah, real smart.

Yeah, hey. How
about a little game?

Let's see how many
attack words we can guess

before we hit the right one.

Sic 'im!

- Kill!
- Mangle!

- Maim!
- Uh, destroy!

Oh, man, I should have
never called shotgun.

[snarling]

I think we have a winner!

[snarling]

♪ Moon over Parma, bring
my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[Drew]
Stop it! No! Agh!
Get away from me.

[upbeat music]

Well, we, uh, don't
usually lend out clothes

from our mannequin displays,

but I'm sure we can make
an exception in this case,

Mr. Carey.

You smell like flea dip.

That's fear.

[giggles]

Lucky he only went for your arm.

Well, my arm was blocking
what he really wanted.

[laughs]

Well, in a couple of
weeks, I'll be able

to go after what I really want.

Oh, yeah? You mean this?

[rattling]

No.

I mean dating you

after you make me head of the
Personal Shopper department.

You know I have to interview
other people for the job.

Huh, I know that.

So, uh, I have a bribe for you.

I'll go get it.

Ooh, hope it tickles!

'Cause I'll need a good laugh

when you find out who
else I promised this job to.

- Hey!
- Hi.

Sorry we're late.

Oswald thought he heard
another package ticking.

What was it a clock?

No, it was a bomb.

I got it to the plane on time.

Now it's their problem.

So, ready for lunch?

Yeah, I'll meet you down there.

I'm just gonna throw
myself out the window.

You know, uh, when
they talk about it first,

they almost never do it.

I know.

Except at DrugCo when
they developed that pill

that made you hopelessly
depressed and chatty.

[sighs]
I never felt so low
as the first time I took it.

I'll never forget
what I was wearing.

Yeah, we know.

Look, guys, I got a
real problem here,

all because some
board member decides

that he wants
somebody to head up

a Personal Shopper department.

What's a personal shopper?

Uh, you got to shop for
rich people who are too busy

to do it for themselves.

Okay, but who gets
to keep the stuff?

So what's the problem?
Nobody wants the job?

No. Everybody wants the job,

but I kind of
promised it to Kate.

[both]
Hey!

And Lisa.

[both]
Aw.

But Mr. Bell is
pushing for Mimi.

[both gasping]

Wait. It gets worse.

I still haven't told everybody
what's really going on yet.

What kind of sound do
you want here, Drew?

We don't really have one
for a guy who's screwed.

What the hell did I
do to deserve this?

You know, Lisa can finally
get a job in management

so we can start
dating without breaking

any stupid company rules,

and Kate wants the same job.

It's my best friend
versus a great relationship.

It's kind of like on Saturdays

when they used to show
bikini movies on Channel 3

and women in prison
movies on Channel 5.

[both]
Uh-huh.

Hell, I'd give it to Kate,

unless you don't plan
on having children,

'cause she'll kick those bad
boys right through your head.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, cookies.

[giggles]

"Baked with love
for my best friend

in the whole wide world."

Oh, look!

They're little Drews!

Yes. I just bent out the sides
of my Santa cookie cutter.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Hey, look, this little Drew's
got a fuzzy little sweater.

Oh. Oh, don't eat that one.

My cats were on
the kitchen counter.

You know, I hope
this isn't a bribe,

because, uh, there's
no guarantees here.

Ta-daa!

Hey, lis. Wow. Great cake.

Maybe it's a bribe
like your cookies.

What does Lisa
need to bribe him for?

She's not up for the
Personal Shopper job.

Well, yeah, I am.

You can't be.

He promised it to me.

How could he do that?

He promised it to me.

Well, Oswald put
a bomb on a plane!

So?

Drew, I can't
believe you did this.

I haven't got a chance
of getting this job now.

She's your girlfriend.

And by the way, why is
your girlfriend bribing you?

This isn't for Drew.

It's for Oswald.

[gasps]
Oh!

Oh, for what?

Well, it's not my birthday,

but tomorrow is
the 17th anniversary

of the death of my first dog.

The same day I learned to drive.

W-w-wait. Wait a second.
This is not gonna happen.

We're not gonna
fight over a job.

What if we provided a cage?

Look. I-I-I'm sorry it
turned out this way,

but, you know, we
have to be all adults here

and realize that only one
of you is gonna get the job.

You'll each be provided
with a leotard and a spear.

Your hands will
be bound by soft--

Lewis!

Look, I promise I
won't drag this out.

I-I'll make up my
mind by 1:00 tomorrow.

And then I'm gonna cover my
crotch and run to Puerto Rico.

Okay, so, I guess it's
down to just Lisa and me?

Yeah. It's down to
you and Lisa. And Mimi.

- What?!
- Mimi?!

She's the rudest
person I ever met!

Hey, now, she may
be the most vile person

to ever walk the
face of the earth,

but if my boss wants to
shove her down my throat

and make me give her
a chance, then, hey,

that's my decision
and I'm sticking to it.

Oh, good luck, Kate.

Hey, um, no hard feelings,
even if you lose, right?

Even if I lose?
Here. Have a cookie.

Oh, how cute!

Drew in a fuzzy little sweater.

- Mm-hmm.
- Ohh..

[instrumental music]

Uh, Before we get started, Max,

can I get you a cup of coffee?

What am I, a
cripple? Go to hell.

Be right back with you, buddy.

Oh, hey, Drew.

What's up with old Max?

I'm trying to get him to retire

so I can move Kate
up in cosmetics.

I heard she wanted the
Personal Shopper's job.

Yeah, but only because Max
won't move his rotting carcass

out of Cosmetics.

I can jump-start
that carcass for you.

[buzz]

Wonder how many of those it
would take to take down Mimi.

So, Max, tell me,

how long you been managing
the old cosmetics department?

Three, four hundred years?

54 years. What's your point?

My point is, you've
done a great job,

but maybe it's time you,
you know, you go home,

watch your grandkids retire.

Drew, I'm an 84-year-old
man who works in Cosmetics.

I don't have any grandchildren.

What about all the employees
that are waiting to move up, Max?

Look, I really need this. It
would make life so much easier

if I could give someone
like, Kate O'Brien your job.

You want me to step down?

I'd rather drop dead!

Oh, uh, uh..

What's the matter?

Good lord. My-my-my heart pills.

Oh!

[bottle clatters]

Drew, please.
My pills!

You want them now?

Drew!

[sighs]

If you really wanted
that job for your friend,

you'd have kicked these
under the filing cabinet,

you nancy boy!

Oh, well.

Take a bite of plan "B".

It's on to plan "C".

Ah.

[Mr. Bell on phone]
What is it, Carey?

Uh, this is going to
sound highly unusual, sir,

but I... I can't pick someone

to head up the new
Personal Shopper department.

You see, my... my father was
killed by personal shoppers.

[Mr. Bell]
Carey, what's your title?

The Vicar of Wakefield, sir.

[Mr. Bell]
Carey!

Oh, I'm sorry. You
mean my secular title.

It's, uh... Assistant
Director of Personnel, sir.

[Mr. Bell]
Then quit whining
and hire someone.

And it better be Mimi!

Yeah, but you always said she
makes such a good assistant.

[Mr. Bell]
She's not the
right image for me.

People always walk by my office

and call food
orders into her face.

I'll get right on it, sir.

Sorry I bothered you.

Nancy boy.

You wanted us here at 1:00.

What's the answer, pig?

That's right, Charlie.

All the angels are here,

except one of them's
had a horrible accident

with a paint truck.

Come on, Drew. We have to know.

Well, I guess there's
only one thing to do.

Kate..

[gasps]
Yes! I knew it!

Thank you!

Sorry, losers! Whoo!

That's not what I
was gonna say.

Oh, no. I didn't get it.

This isn't fair and I..

I hate you, Drew.

I wasn't going to
say that, either.

I was gonna say that because
you're a great salesperson--

[gasps]
I got it! Whoo!

Yeah!

Okay, moving on.

Lisa, you have an
obvious sense of style,

and all your work in displays

has given you a lot of
experience coordinating clothing.

And, Mimi..

Yeah?

The boss is shoving
you right down my throat.

Bite me.

So, since you're all qualified
in your own special way,

I've decided to have
an objective competition.

You're all gonna be
personal shoppers

for Winfred-Louder's
most difficult customers.

Whoever handles the
situation best gets the job.

[clears throat]

Well, that's a very
good idea, Drew.

Oh, oops. You got a little
something on your shirt.

This isn't gonna work, Mimi.

I can't believe you would
try something so sleazy.

My cake cost more than that.

I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to my friend Drew.

Look, Fatty McAss...

Mr. Bell says it will
make him very happy

to see me get the job.

And we all want
Mr. Bell to be happy.

Capisce?

One more thing.

Kate... if Lisa gets this job,

I want you to know
it's not because

it's the only chance we
have to save our relationship.

And, Lisa, if
Kate gets this job,

it's not because she's the best
friend a guy could ever have.

But if Mimi gets this job,

I want you to shoot me
and look for the microchip.

I'd rather be dead

than serve those
stinkin' extraterrestrials.

Listen, I really appreciate
your lettin' me in here

to monitor the personal
shopper tryouts like this.

Whoo!!

I don't want to
stand on top of them

and make them nervous, you know.

So who you rooting for?

That woman Lisa you
been seeing on the sly?

Hey, she's just a friend.
Who I secretly kissed

where this camera's
pointing right here.

And this camera right here. Ooh.

You guys in security
must know everything, huh?

I'm a security guard, Drew.

What I see, I never tell.

Oh, by the way,
you should be glad

you stopped flirting
with Brigitte in shoes.

Why? Is she married?

She's a guy.

Hey, there's
Lisa, my girlfriend.

100% woman, right?

Turn up the monitor.

[Lisa]
Hi, I'm Lisa Robbins. I'm
your personal shopper.

Save the song and dance.

I want you to know
this is Winfred-Louder's

last chance to fail
me as a customer.

Well, that's not going to
happen, Mr. Newcomb.

We're taking a whole
new approach to shopping.

Before you make me part of
your daily affirmation, perky,

let me tell you, I also don't
go for that sucking-up crap.

I don't even know why I'm here.

I hate trying on clothes.

Well, then, don't
worry about it.

It's taken care of.

[club music plays]

Oswald!

Who's this?

I spoke to your secretary.

He's exactly your measurements.

So you can just relax and see
how you'll look in these clothes.

[music continues]

Isn't that a little
tight in our crotch?

Not at all.

Free as a bird.

Let me see my butt.

What do you think?

I'm surprised we
don't get more action.

You're telling me.

Look at that. She's brilliant.

She's gonna win.
We're gonna start dating.

We're gonna get married.

Boy, oh, boy.

If she only had breasts
like that guy in shoes, huh?

And I found 12
more in the same cut.

You're gonna look fantastic.

Thank you.

By the way, I also do swimwear.

[Lisa chuckles]

How about dinner tonight?

Hey, he's hittin' on her.

Get away! Get away!

I'll cut you, man.

I'll cut you!

Attention,
Winfred-Louder shoppers,

this is to remind you there is
no flirting with the salespeople.

I repeat, There is no
flirting with the salespeople!

So what do you say?

Or is this something
you didn't prepare for?

Here's the number
of a friend of mine

who works in shoes.

Her name is Brigitte,

and, uh, I think
you'll really like... her.

Alright!

Sold out a transsexual
just to make a sale.

Whoo!

Man, I'd hate to be in
Kate and Mimi's shoes.

I'd hate to be Mimi's shoes.

They're white socks.
They're exactly the same,

except this one has
ribs and this one doesn't.

I guess that's where
I'm getting hung up.

Okay, how about this?

I'll put them both
behind my back

and you can pick a hand.

I guess I'll go
with.. I can't decide.

Oh, yes, you can. Come on.

Uh... right, I guess.

Non-ribbed. Great.

But I'm not sure what
my husband would like.

Oh. Brrrring!

Hello? It's your husband.

He says they're white
socks. He doesn't care!

Kate's gonna blow.

Want me to close a
few vents in the area,

cut off the air flow?

Takes the fight
right out of them.

Maybe later, just
for fun, you know?

But this really ticks
me off, you know?

If Kate expects to
be management,

she's got to learn
some other way

to control her anger.

[mouth full]
Are you going to
finish that muffin?

Okay. Let's imagine you've
already bought the socks.

They're good socks,
happy socks, you're happy.

You're walking out of the store,

you look in the bag,
what do you see?

- Ribbed.
- Good!

But I think I bought
the wrong ones.

[gasps]

Mrs. Hoyt, could you turn
this way a moment, please?

What's Kate doing?

I can't see. I think
she's gonna talk to her.

Better get ready
to cut off the air.

Mrs. Hoyt, what's your
favorite thing in the whole world?

Why, that would either
be my dog Buttons

or my cat Buttons.

I can't decide.

Oh, it doesn't matter,

'cause if you don't
pick some socks,

all your Buttons are dead!

Oh, God. The ribbed socks,
the green pumps, the blue suit.

I don't know which hat!

Meow!

Your choice.

[woman]
So, what do you think?

Oh, dear God.

Why don't you take those off

and we'll get you upstairs

and buy you some
grown-up clothes.

Well, this is the only department

where the clothes actually fit.

I guess I never
lost my girlish figure.

Yeah, well, that girl's
been around a long time.

Come on, we're going upstairs!

No! Everything I
need is right here.

Ooh, cool scrunchies!

What, do you think
you're 12? Come on!

You let go of me!

You're not my mom!

Oh yeah, that's right,
'cause then I'd be

about 1000 years old.

Ah, you better keep an
eye on this one, Chuck.

Things could get ugly.

Oh! I think they ate
ugly for breakfast.

You will not cost
me this promotion.

I am your personal shopper

and I will personally drag
you upstairs by the hair

if you don't move
it, you old bat!

Ohh. Who are you calling
an old bat, you.. sea cow?

Why, you old piece of crap!

Aah!

Looks like we're
down to two, Chuck.

- You wanna...
- I'm on it, Drew.

While you're down there,

you might want to
help her find her teeth.

So, how'd we do?

Look, uh... don't kill
me, but honest to God,

you both did great.
It's a, it's a dead heat.

Oh, damn it, Drew.

You're just scared
to make a decision.

We both know one of us
is not gonna get the job.

Yeah, this has got
to stop here and now.

Just give us a tiebreaker.

Give us one tough customer

so we can have a fair
fight and be done with it.

Yeah, give us the
toughest, nastiest,

most difficult person

anyone could ever
have to shop for.

Okay, I got to go downtown
to give a statement.

But if I won,

I want that little punk
banned from the store!

That girl.

[instrumental music]

So it's the last
delivery on my route.

I go up to the
door, I ring the bell.

She answers the
door, and get this,

she's completely naked.

Oh, my God, you're kidding.

All 600 pounds of her.

I am sorry, Oswald.

I should have warned
you about grandma.

I mean... She's 82.

She feels she's past the
age of modesty, you know?

Then explain the
pasties, my friend.

Well..

- Hey!
- Hey, buddy.

So how long is this gonna take?

Uh, not very long. I just have
to pick whether Lisa or Kate

did a better job of
shopping for Mimi,

give the winner the job,

and then you go look for my head

and you go look for my body.

Well, for your sake,
I hope Lisa wins.

Kate wins. Hi, Kate.

Hi. I'm gonna win, alright,

if I can just get Mimi
out of Mr. Bell's office.

[knocking]
Mimi, come on out.

[Mimi]
Alright, but if anybody's
thinking about laughing,

they'd better look
at that old chick's

teeth imprints on my fist.

Wow!

[Oswald howls]

Oh, I'm taking
this off right now.

Although, I don't have to,

'cause you already
undressed me with your eyes.

Actually, my eyes were
covering you with a tarp.

Okay, this is gonna be tough

after the great job Kate
did, but, uh, I did my best.

I could not get her to
change her makeup.

Yeah, I heard they
removed it once

and found a whole other
painting underneath there.

- Ready, Mimi?
- Ready.

Oh, man!

Don't let the sun go down on me.

Wow.

Okay. Drew, the envelope, please.

Oh, boy.

Alright, uh,

let me just ask Mimi
one thing, though, uh,

Mimi, which one of
your personal shoppers

would you rather go back to?

What, are you kidding?

Look at me, I'm gorgeous.

Can I have a moment
alone with Kate, please?

I wish we both could have
gotten the job, Kate. I'm sorry.

Thanks.

I'm going to wear this home.

I hope that crazy woman

doesn't sit next to
me on the bus again.

Look, if it makes
any difference, um,

you did great. You're totally
ready for management.

The next job's yours.

Thanks. I mean, it's
okay that it was Lisa,

'cause now you guys can date.

And you know what? I actually
learned something about myself.

I don't have to resort to anger.

You tried to kill that
lady's dog and cat.

Oh, you heard that?

I, uh, got you a little present.

"World's greatest
manager in training."

Yeah, the "In training"
part peels off, you know,

in case you would
have got the job.

Thanks.

Did you get anything for Lisa?

Yeah, I got her lingerie.
Part of that peels off, too.

[laughing]

You know, you may
think I'm down, but I'm not.

I'm gonna work even
harder to get a promotion.

'Cause you know what? If I
can make Mimi look good...

A cure for cancer
can't be far behind.

[instrumental music]

Oh, you work here, too.

I was doing a little
modeling today.

Just a temp gig.

So I was wondering what
time you get off tonight,

because, uh, you know, I
do private shows... Brigitte.

[all laughing]

♪ Oswald's got a boyfriend! ♪

♪ Oswald's got a boyfriend! ♪

Oh, man, this is so weird,

'cause we saw her in
the bathroom earlier today.

Should we call and tell him?

Nah, he'll find out.

You know, I like a
woman with big hands.