Original subtitles

Drew, do you got any Fruit Roll-Ups in here?

I'm starving.

Hey, don't eat the only healthy thing

in my lunch.

Have one of the fried mozzarella balls.

Don't you have any plastic wrap at home?

That's my new self-help program.

Everyday I wrap my sandwich in an inspirational article

and I canread it while I'm eating.

"How to hypnotize women."

Kate, you won't tell anyone about this.

Maybe.

No, I mean, Kate...

You won't tell anyone about this.

Do you believe this guy? Hey!

What?

He's sniffing my fruit roll.

Kate, these are the last four people

that will ride in a carpool with me.

Don't blow it, okay?

[squeaky voice] Drew!

What?

What?

He's so weird, Drew.

Oh, He's just rockin' out to some tape.

"James Earl Jones reads Schindler's List."

So what? The headphones aren't even plugged in.

[theme music]

♪ Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

Alright, it's 30 degrees below with the wind chill,

but I was able to rack up the balls and break.

Did you sink anything?

Part of the nine ball went in the side pocket.

The rest of it just scattered around the yard.

Your turn.

Ohh, I need some gloves.

Coming right up.

And we got gloves.

The secret's in the cinnamon.

It's so cute the way you join in

all our little reindeer games.

You know, on days like this, my real crazy friends

they sit around a fireplace and toast marshmallows.

Why do you guys have to play pool

on the coldest day of the year?

I dunno, why do you celebrate New Year's on the first day of the year?

There's no logic behind it, You just do it.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Metal snaps.

Ow! Ow!

Close the door!

Goodness gracious,

we can't afford to heat the whole outdoors.

[door slams shut]

Man, I hope it's cold tomorrow so I don't have to work.

I still haven't done my employee evaluations.

I hope you're sensitive with those evaluations Drew.

You don't want to write down something like,

I don't know, for example,

"The guy's got a goofy haircut."

That could really hurt... someone.

Drew, when you get to Earl's evaluation,

I've got a few things to add.

Because the way he was acting in the car this morning,

it was just the tip of the iceberg.

Come on, he's a little quirky, but he's okay.

Who's Earl?

Oh, he's a guy I hired a few months ago.

Nice guy, bit of a loner, kind of quiet.

Always carries around a hatbox.

Come on, I'm serious. He's always creeped me out,

but now he stares at me all the time.

Oh, I'm sure it's not all the time.

Mhmm. I knew you'd say that.

He was staring at me at 10:00 when he went to get coffee,

at 10:15 when he went to wash his hands,

at 10:40 when he took his break,

at 10:50 when he did his deep-knee bends,

at 11:20 when he cracked every single knuckle.

So every time you're spying on him, he's staring at you?

Exactly.

You know how most guys

just undress you with their eyes?

With Earl, it's like,

I don't know how to put this.

He's taking off my skin.

We had a crazy guy at Drug-Co.

Turned out he accidentally took a drug

that turns you into a psychopathic axe murderer.

It's not on the market yet.

Apparently it gives you headaches.

Sometimes you just like to hear

yourself talk, don't you?

Alright Kate, if it will make you feel better,

I'll go talk to Earl.

Thanks.

Oh, By the way, he also thinks he's the store manager.

It's probably just an affirmation.

If you say those things over and over, you know they come true.

I learned that

from my ham and cheese sandwich yesterday.

Although my tuna sandwich disagreed.

It said to just be happy as you are.

Whew!

I scratched, and either it's really cold out there,

or there's a lot more room in my underwear.

[instrumental music]

Oh, look. One of the mannequins escaped

from the "Big and Useless" department.

What are you doing here?

I don't know. Why do people slow down to look at a car wreck?

Listen, uh, Just so I don't start any rumors,

who are you buying a tie for?

Just someone special, as if you cared.

Someone I know?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Here's his picture.

[scoffs]

Antonio Banderas?

Your special someone is Antonio Banderas.

Does, uh, does he know about this?

We've written a few times.

Oh. Let me guess. You write to him,

and then he sends you back

an autographed restraining order.

Hey, it's no different than that thing

between you and Sara Lee.

Hey, I only wrote to her once.

That was a great idea,

a cake you can eat in the shower.

Hey, Drew.

Mimi, you find anything yet?

Nah, I'm still looking.

Wait a minute.

Gummi bra!

Well, he should wash it out, then. You know.

So, uh... what can I do for you?

Oh, you know, just making my rounds.

Making sure everybody's happy.

Just wanted to say hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

Ooh, and, uh, I need to buy a tie.

Okay, let me just, oh..

Hey, you touch it, you buy it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay, well, don't bother!

They're all messed up now.

Anyway,

I'll just start again.

Hey, just out of curiosity, Earl,

did you lose your hair, or did you pull it out?

[chuckles]

Wait a minute. She's doing it again.

Who?

Kate. She's starin' at me.

She does this all day long.

She makes me feel like Charlton Heston

in that ape movie.

Planet of the Apes?

No.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes.

[snaps finger] That's the one.

Wow, that's so funny.

She thinks you're staring at her,

and you think she's starin' at--

Hey, whoa.

Hey, man. You didn't have to touch me.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Hey, you wouldn't like it if I just came up

and started touching you.

Uh, I wouldn't like it. I don't like it. I'm not liking it.

Well, you can tell Kate

and any other employee that has a problem

that they can mind their own business.

L-Look, nobody's hassling you here, pal.

It's okay, Just calm down. You know,

just... keep up the good work.

Alright, well, thanks for stopping by Drew.

Now, if you don't mind,

I got a department store to manage.

Man, I should have known he was nuts

by those crazy glasses.

The no-touching thing, the anal-tie thing,

the delusions-of-power thing.

It's got all the classic textbook signs of a Thing

or, at least, something in the Thing family.

So, he is crazy?

Hey. I don't wanna be the first to say anybody's crazy.

I already said it.

Then I concur.

He's Wicky in the Wacky Woo.

How did I miss it?

We gave him a psychological profile.

He passed with flying colors.

Look, under the question,

"Have you ever had seizures,

blackouts, or been institutionalized?"

It says, "Never."

It doesn't say, "Never."

It says, "Over."

As in turn over.

No, it doesn't.

Oh, my God.

What's it say?

Well it says, in so many words,

technically speaking, that he's Wicky in the Wacky Woo.

Boy, look at all these institutions.

"Institution for the Criminally Insane,

Institution for the Criminally Insa--"

Oh.

"Yale University.'

"Outpatient Facility for the Criminally Insane."

Oh.

Well, I want to say one thing.

"Earl" minus "L" is "Ear."

How much more clear could it be?

Lewis, "Clear" minus "CL" is "Ear."

No. Now you're reaching.

Fire the guy. What's the problem?

Well, legally, first I gotta offer to send him

to the company shrink.

I heard she's really good. I think she's Freudian.

How do you know?

She has a beard and she smokes a cigar.

Drew, you gotta get rid of this guy and fast.

No. Here's what you do.

You walk up to Earl, grab Mimi,

use her as a human shield,

and say, "Earl, you're fired."

No, there's got to be a better way.

I don't want to grab Mimi.

Ah, what am I worried about?

I've fired people before. I can do it again.

Besides, we learned all about this in our termination seminar.

You just gotta be calm, speak in a confident voice,

and never end a sentence with,

"Oh yeah, big shot? I dare you."

It says right here, Drew,

"Always try to make the person being fired feel valuable."

[Lewis] You know, Drew, if you want to make a guy feel valuable.

When you break the body down

into its chemicals, it's worth $187 and 50 cents.

Or I could just sit there and pretend to listen

while he babbles on like a lunatic.

Yeah. I'm talking to you, pal.

[instrumental music]

Ah-choo.

Oh, I see you cleaned your blowhole.

Hey, I got some, uh, paperwork on Earl

that says you're gonna fire him.

That's right.

You can'tdo that, I like him.

I like the way he looks at me,

like a lady.

He's looking at you like a trench coat.

He wants your skin.

Really? So, he's nuts?

Uh-huh.

It's always the cute ones.

Oh, hi, Earl.

I got to go.

But please feel free to use

any of the sharp objects on my desk.

Okay.

Hey, Drew, what'd ya want?

Well actually, there's somethin' I need to talk to you about Earl.

Why don't you come in and have a seat?

Wait a minute, Drew.

Your necktie isn't tied right.

Can't have an executive

walking around like that.

Now, what is it you wanted to say?

Well...

the thing is, Earl, we're phasing out the tie department.

Huh?

Yeah, that's right, we're phasing out ties altogether.

Tab collars are in. I-I blame the French.

Au revoir, mon tie.

But-but what about my job?

Oh Earl, there's lots of other positions out there.

You know, my mom always said, "God never closes a door

without opening a window."

My mother always said, "Close that damn door,

"or I will throw you out that window!"

[yells indistinctly]

You know, Earl, we have a.. psychologist

here at Winfred-Louder. I'd be glad to call her.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

I'm not crazy.

Is that why you're firing me?

Oh, Earl,

who's to say who's crazy?

You know, except for the nine or ten doctors

on the back of your application.

Look, I see what's going on here.

You know, you're firing me at the end of the day,

trying to make me feel valuable.

Oh, I almost forgot. Wait.

Earl, you're very valuable to us.

Check.

Alright.

So, where's the security guard?

You know, they always have one hiding somewhere nearby.

Oh well, I don't.

Oh, so I could kill you right now and...

no one would stop me.

He's behind the post. Chuck!

Chuck, Chuck, oh, Chuck.

Alright.

Why don't you come with me Earl?

Don't touch him.

We'll pick up your personal belongings

and walk quietly to your car.

Oh, feel free to make a break for it.

It's been kind of a slow day.

See you later, Earl.

Oh, you will because you got to go home sometime right?

Oh yeah, you come to my house, pal.

You don't even know where I live.

720 Sedgwick!

Oh, yeah? That's where I used to live

right before I moved..

in about an hour.

[instrumental music]

Jay, honey, I've been thinking about us.

Ooh, are we naked and covered in daisies?

Yes.

And we're seeing each other exclusively.

[chuckles]

Gee, look how fast we got dressed.

Look, I don't wanna pressure you into anything,

I know that you're just coming out

of a difficult relationship.

So, what do you say?

Exclusive or not?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Yes.

Hey, everybody, we're going steady.

[indistinct cheering]

Boy, I'd hate to see what you'd grab

for a marriage proposal.

- Aw. - Aw.

That's so cute.

Drew, I thought you were going straight home after work.

You're not scared to go home, are you?

Why would I be scared?

I stopped at my house before I came here.

Oh, so you're not worried

that Earl might be hiding in the bushes waiting to kill you?

Oh, of course not.

Wait a minute.

Is that why you made me wear your hat and coat

when I went inside to get your mail.

Please. What an imagination.

Then how come you sat in the car

and kept yelling, "Hurry up, Drew"?

I got confused.

You looked so much like me in my hat.

Oh.

Oh.

Relax, Drew.

Earl's crazy. He's not a stalker.

Besides, it's been three hours since you fired him.

Most disgruntled employees strike

within... oh, sorry.

Right about now. Watch your back!

[chuckling]

Got you.

Yeah, you got me.

Can we stop it now alright?

I-I just want to put this day behind me.

- Alright. - Behind you.

Yeah, behind me.

No, behind you, it's Earl.

[yells]

[laughs] Got you again.

Alright, everybody put their hands on the table.

- Hey. - Aah.

[laughing]

Okay, I'll laugh along as if I know what the joke is.

[laughing]

Oh, my side hurts.

He fired Earl.

Oh, Earl's here.

Hey Lewis, see the joke? Wave bye-bye to the joke.

No, Drew, he's not kidding.

Earl is sitting over there.

Oh realy? If Earl was sitting behind me,

would I do this?

Hey, Earl, how many finger am I holding up?

Uh, okay, nobody's laughing.

So I take it, Earl really is sittin' behind me?

Ah, crap.

Drew, get out of here.

No way.

Drew, you don't understand.

The calls are coming from inside the bar.

I got to go talk to him.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

There's too many people here.

I'll do this later.

[instrumental music]

Alight. The basement's clear.

Attic's empty.

There's no one in the bathroom.

Except Mr. Bubble.

[both chuckling]

There's no one in the bedroom.

I could've called that one.

Well, alright.

Thanks for stopping by.

Everything's fine.

I-I'm cool.

Hey, man, we don't mind stickin' around,

although we know you're a brave guy, Bubbles.

[both chuckling]

Come on. You don't have to stick around.

Everything's gonna be okay.

No, we want to, it'll be fun.

It'll be like a slumber party.

Or it'll be like, uh, Slumber Party Massacre.

Somebody goes off to have sex

and gets killed.

[chuckling]

Okay, you guys can stay,

but just one night.

And no psycho killer humor.

Sure.

Ka ka ka.

Cha cha cha.

Ka ka ka.

Cha cha cha.

Ka ka ka.

Cha cha cha.

[knocking on door] [screams]

I'll get it.

Drew, you can't just open the door.

Yeah, there's a lunatic after you.

I ordered a pizza.

I guess the Domino's guy forgot our secret knock.

It's Chuck from security.

What's he doing here?

Oh, I forgot, I told him what was going on with Earl

and I asked him to stop by.

I was worried about you.

Bang! You're dead.

Very stupid move, Drew.

Let me in and close the door.

How'd you know I wasn't behind the door with a gun?

I've already been in the house three times, Drew.

Or should I say, "Mr. Bubble"?

You mean, you can get in and out of my house

without me knowing it?

Well, it might have been a bit more difficult

if the fake plastic rock with the key in it,

wasn't sitting under the welcome mat.

Well, it's easier than sticking it

up the ceramic frog's butt, let me tell you.

You know, I never had to worry about that stuff before.

I don't want to start having to worry about that now.

Well, you better start now, Drew.

One out of every eight stalking cases

is a disgruntled ex-employee.

The other seven are unrequited love.

So, you're safe there.

Look, I appreciate ya stopping by,

but I think we have everything under control.

Yeah. Right.

Alright, people.

We work together, we can get this done quickly.

Kate, close all the blinds and the drapes.

Okay.

You, tall guy, get me some rope.

We're gonna set up a few trip wires.

You, Jay, go shovel the walk.

Thanks, Chuck, but I don't think I really need all this stuff.

You're not gonna die on my watch Drew.

Curly, go find me a tape recorder.

I don't want a call coming into this house that's not on tape.

Curly, I like that.

Hey, what are you gonna call me?

Uh, annoying. Let's go.

We have work to do.

Hold it. Stop.

So far, I can't go to my favorite bar without being watched,

I can't pick up my own my mail.

I can't even talk on the phone without it being recorded.

W-what the hell's gonna take for me to feel safe?

A 24-hour police watch.

An unlisted number.

An electronic security system.

Or you could just move.

Alright, that's it. Thanks for everything.

But I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life hiding

from this guy in the off chance he might show up.

You know some people, spend their whole lives

running from danger but I'm not gonna do that.

[scoffs] Drew, you have a surge protector

on your electric toothbrush.

Hey, seven out of ten household accidents

occur in the mouth.

Are you sure you don't want us to stay?

Yeah, look, I appreciate everybody's concern.

But, you know, it's time for you guys to go.

Thanks.

Take it easy, Drew.

It's all under control. Thanks, see ya.

[all yelling]

[all chuckling]

Somebody deserves a bubble bath tonight.

Hey, Earl! If you're out there,

I'm-I'm comin' out with the trash!

I'm all alone!

Just me and my tiger-wolf hybrid foamy.

[fakes growling]

Shh. Foamy, shh.

That's a cute name, "Foamy."

What, uh, what are you doing here?

♪ 720 Sedgwick ♪

Okay, that's your first mistake.

Now, I'm gonna go upstairs, I'm gonna get my bat,

and I'm gonna come down here and show your second mistake

which was waiting for me to go upstairs and get my bat.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

I'm not here for the reason you think.

I just need to talk to you.

I came by the Warsaw tonight.

but I couldn't do it in front of your friends.

That's what you wanted?

Yeah, I don't want to lose my job, Drew.

If you think I should talk to the company shrink,

then, uh, I guess I'm willing to do it.

Really?

Yeah. That's all I wanted was,

to get her number.

So, you're not mad at me?

Nah. You were just doing your job.

Oh, man, well, I gotta admit I was pretty scared there for a while.

I mean, my whole life flashed before my eyes.

and boy, I should've never gone with that perm.

[cackles]

Listen, why don't you wait right here?

I'll go get the number of that shrink.

Okay..

You know, uh,

I may have misjudged you,

but, you know, you gotta admit,

you were acting kinda crazy.

[chuckles nervously] Oh, yeah. I know.

But I-I think I'm ready to take matters

into my own hands and solve my problem.

Well, you-you just gotta really be proud of yourself, Earl.

Be right back.

I-I-I'm just really glad we got to work this thing out.

You know?

I mean, I just, I just love happy endings.

Oh, me too, me too.

Drop it.

Now.

Hands where I can see them.

Got the number. Oh, my God!

Chuck, put the gun down.

It's-it's okay,

I reasoned with him.

Drew, if I didn't come back to find my beeper

he would've shot you.

Really?

Yeah.

I'll hold him here, Drew.

You go call the cops.

Well, Alright. But before the cops get here,

I want you to think about this.

[groaning]

Hey, hey, hey, easy, Drew.

He'll get enough of that in prison.

Ka ka ka cha cha cha.

Ka ka ka cha cha cha.

[shrieking]

Night, Mimi.

Night. Have a good weekend.

You, too.

"Dear Mimi,

"and in closing, my darling Mimi,

"I will love you longer than time itself.

Eternally yours, Antonio Banderas."

"P.S. Thank you for your picture.

I think I found Waldo."