All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S01E13 - The Electron Doesn t Fall Far from the Nucleus (720p DVD Upscale x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

[instrumental music]

[Mimi]
Good night, Mr. Bell.

Help you with your coat?

No.

Punch out for you?

What are you up to?

Nothing. I just know
it's been a long day,

you're tired, anxious
to go home, you know.

You know, I have a
secret way of knowing

if someone's been in my drawers.

Believe me, if anybody's
been in your drawers,

they'd want it kept a secret.

If I find even one
troll doll out of place,

you're gonna have
ten little plastic feet

sticking out of your butt.

Don't worry. I won't touch

one little thing on your desk.

Drew, I dropped this,

but I caught it on
the first bounce.

That's okay, right?

Anything fall off? Just this.

Eh, doesn't look important.

Alright.

Drew, you go through
this every year.

I really don't think the
number of computers

is what's gonna
impress your dad.

Hey, I'm not taking any chances.

This is the first time my
dad's seen where I work.

Well, actually the
second, but this time,

I'm not talking
through a clown's head.

Sort of.

Sorry.

- Hey, Oswald.
- Hey.

You know. I was
on my delivery route.

And I had the strangest feeling

I was supposed to do something,

and I couldn't remember what.

You were supposed to
pick up my dad at the airport!

- Ohh!
- Damn it!

Now, I gotta drive--

What the hell did I tell
you about swearin', Drew?

Only in church and
in front of old ladies.

- [laughing]
- How ya doin', dad?

Hey! Come here, Katie.

- No pinching.
- Would I?

I'm not six anymore.

Oh, look at that face!

Oh... that's it!

Hey!

I'll let go when you do.

- One.
- One.

- Two.
- Two.

- Three.
- Three.

[both scream]

Hoo hoo hoo!

So, how was your trip?

It was fine, till I got in
the truck with this guy.

He stops every block.

Hey, it's free, old man.

You kiss your gorgeous
mother with that mouth?

Well, someone's still
antsy in their pantsy.

[chuckles]

It's great to see
you. How's mom?

Not as fine as Oswald's mom.

Will you stop?

[scoffs]
I got to make a
few more stops.

You want a ride?

Can I throw packages
out of the back of the truck

and watch the cars swerve?

- Yes, you can.
- Okay.

Bye, guys.

I'm sorry mom didn't get to
come up with you from Florida

for your lifetime achievement
award at the lodge.

Well, you know, she's
busy with her clubs,

her women's groups.

Is Gavin MaCleod at the
Burt Reynolds theater again?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Man! It looks like

a lot of very important
business goes on here.

So this is where you've been
working for the last seven years.

Yep. Right here in front
of all these computers.

Huh! The office sounded
bigger on the phone.

Well, you know, I used
to have a bigger phone.

Drew, I came back for my keys,

and somebody...

Hi. I'm Mimi Bobeck.

Oh. George Carey, Drew's dad.

It is my pleasure, I assure you.

Oh! Well, I see where Drew

doesn't get it from.

So, Drew, I see we
have Hong Kong on-line.

Why don't you link us up

so we can see what's
coming down the Yangtze River

without a paddle?

I can't, Mimi. It's, uh,
Chinese New Year.

It's the year of the
dead stool pigeon.

[scoffs]

Drew, you rascal, you.

I bet he was a real pistol

when he was growin' up.

[chuckling]
Oh, he really gave
his mom and me

a run for our money.

Dad, don't.

I'm sure he did some
really embarrassing things

as a little boy, huh?

You mean, like when
he discovered himself?

Just like that.

Oh, my God.

His mother and me are going,

"Don't touch it in
front of company."

"Don't touch it in
the grocery store!"

Hey!

Look, something's coming
in through Hong Kong.

"If you can see them,

they can see you touching it!"

Dad!

- Anything else?
- Oh, God.

You could write a
book about this kid.

Or at least a
company newsletter.

I'll be back. I
want to grab a pen.

Well, that's just great.
Why don't you just tell her

how I used to walk around
the house in high heels?

Ooh, good one!

[theme song]

♪ Moon over Parma, bring
my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

You know, boys, playing pool,

it's like making love.

You take your time...

You keep a steady hand...

And beware of
anyone named "Fats."

Yeah!

Yes! And the all-Carey
team takes the lead!

You know, I can't believe

you didn't move this
thing inside, Drew.

The only thing stopping
me was your mother.

Eh, she didn't want a bunch
of sloppy, drunken men

hanging around in the basement.

So, what'd she get?

[All]
A bunch of sloppy,
drunken men

hanging around the yard.

Boy, do I remember that fight.

"George, you're not bringing
this pool table in the house."

"Well, I'm not taking it back."

"Well, then, it's
staying outside."

- "Fine."
- "Fine."

- "Fine!"
- "Fine."

- "Fine!"
- "Fine!"

You could hear it all
the way down the block.

Boy, I'll never forget
you, Mr. Carey.

Playing out in the rain and snow

while we sat inside watching,

drinking hot chocolate.

What was it that Mrs.
Carey used to say?

She used to say "One
more bolt of lightning,

I get both sides of the bed."

Eight-ball in the side pocket.

Yeah!

- Boom.
- Boom.

If we're very quiet,

we can observe the
bull elk and its calf

in a violent struggle
for dominance.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey.

Hi, Mr. C.

Jay, this is Drew's dad.

Drew's dad, this
is my boyfriend Jay.

[clears throat]
You the body-shop punk
or the carny worker?

No, I'm the mover trash.

No, he's not.

He owns his own moving company.

I'm actually
dating a stable guy.

You are stable, aren't you?

Well, that's what
the parole board said.

Boy, phew!

Hey, pizza should be
done. Who's hungry?

Me!

Uh, we're actually gonna
play one more game.

How about a game of eight-ball?

Winner gets control
of the other guy's life.

Wait, I already lost
that to you last week.

Well, then you have
no choice. Rack 'em.

Drew, whatever
happened to your plans

to build a deck and a
Jacuzzi out in the backyard?

Well, uh, you know

the Aspen place
needed a new roof,

and I kinda had my eye
on the small Pacific nations.

Son, when was the
last time you got a raise?

Well, not recently,
but many things

such as VCRs and digital
watches have gotten cheaper,

so it's kind of a wash.

Besides, Winfred-Louder
always comes through

with a nice Christmas gift.

Yes, it's nice to get
something personal.

You know, last year, I
got all my employees

leather jackets with the
company logo on 'em.

Hey, how about you?

Uh, something like
that, only on a rope.

Mr. Carey, you should know

that Drew is one of the
most beloved members

of the Winfred-Louder family.

Last year, he went for
$65 at the bachelor auction.

Oh, so, I stuffed. It was
for a good cause.

Beloved doesn't
get you a Jacuzzi.

You want the
nice things in life,

you got to have
a way to get 'em.

So, what's your game plan?

You don't think I
have one, do you?

Do you?

Yeah, I keep planning on showing
up to work until somebody dies

and they bump me upstairs.

I also plan to put you up in
a hotel next time you visit.

You don't have to wait
until somebody dies

to get a better position.

You ever think of
joining the lodge?

A lot of good
networking goes on there.

You know the guy that
designed the federal building?

He was a Wildebeest?

No.

[Both]
A wildebeest bus hit him.

[both]
Killed him.

I can kill people.
Cool. I'm joinin'.

Joining what?

My dad wants me
to join his lodge.

[Jay]
You know, Drew, I'm an elk.

And it's a great
business connection.

Yeah. I can wear
my Rudolph antlers.

We don't wear antlers.

Well, is there a
rule that one can't?

You guys really wanna join?

Sure, if your dad
will sponsor us.

Hey, can I drive one of
those little cars in the parade?

[imitating sound of car]

You know, uh... maybe I
am missing something here.

I remember visiting the
lodge when I was a kid.

They had me in a blindfold.

I heard the secret
Wildebeest chant.

That was one of the best days

me and my dad spent together.

Yeah. Good thing that
babysitter crapped out.

She didn't really
crap out. I kinda

discovered myself
in front of her, too.

[instrumental music]

Wow, it's just like I imagined.

Your dad was so great to
sponsor both of us, man.

This is so, like,
out of the past,

you know, all men,

dead animal parts
all over the walls.

It feels so primal.

I just want to get
naked and howl.

You do that, you're out of here.

Help yourself to the food, boys.

No, Drew. Wait a minute.

There's someone
I want you to meet.

Drew, this is Tom.

I think you might
want to listen to him.

He may have some
good news for you.

I'll be right back.

I forgot to kiss the antlers.

Sit down, Drew.

Thanks.

Um...yeah.

Your dad may not
have mentioned it,

but I'm a headhunter
for Jones and Wiley.

He tells me you're thinking
about making a change.

Well, I'm not looking,

but there's no ring on my finger
if you know what I'm saying.

[laughing]

Listen, I circulated
your resume

to some of my best clients,

and I've got three
great offers for you.

Wow! three people bidding for me?

- Yeah.
- I didn't even stuff this time.

Well, look, we
promised your dad.

You join this lodge, and we'll
do anything we can for you.

If you know what I mean.

Hey, Drew? This
is Brother Lester.

He's in charge of admissions

for the whole lodge.

Hey, how you doin', Drew?

Oh.

What are you doing?

I'm returning the secret
Wildebeest greeting.

I was adjusting my glasses.

We don't have a secret
Wildebeest greeting.

Oh.

We met Lester
over at the buffet.

He showed us how to
make a tongue sandwich

that looks like
it's really talking.

What line are you in, Drew?

Uh, at the moment,

I'm in Personnel
at Winfred-Louder.

You know, downtown.

Oh, man, downtown.
I don't envy you.

Yeah. The traffic is murder.

Yeah. Not to mention
how dark it gets at night,

if you know what I mean.

You know, this lodge uses

"You know what I mean" a lot,

if you know what I mean.

Well, we, we try to
be a little discreet.

Hey, did you hear
the one where the Jew

walks into the massage parlor?

Now, you do know what
discreet means, right?

Why? There's nobody
at a Wildebeest meeting

that's gonna be offended.

Why not?

Well, let's just say,

a Jew won't be walking in here.

[laughing]

How do you know..

How do you know
who is walking in here?

We've never met. For all you
know, I could be 1/16th cherokee.

[scoffs]
Yeah, right.

I am. Get out of
here. You are not.

Yes, I am. My
great-grandmother was Cherokee.

So, I suppose you
want me to leave now.

Look, we don't care
about 1/16th Indian.

We're just trying to
maintain a membership

where we can be ourselves.

Can you just excuse
us for a second?

Can you believe
this? I can't join a place

that doesn't let any
blacks and Jews in.

You know, I thought I
felt a bad vibe in this place.

Me, too. I thought I thought it
was 'cause I ate too much meat.

Drew.

I talked to Tom.

He really likes you.

He's going to help
you out big time.

That's great, dad. Can I
talk to you just for second?

Hey, George. Come on!

It's your night.

Thanks, Drew.

This is the best
night of my life.

Yeah. Mine, too,
except for the time

mom forgot her glasses
and ran over the dog.

[instrumental music]

Drew, I'm doing a column
for the store newsletter,

"Strange but Drew,"

and I want to get
my facts, uh, straight.

Is it true your first kiss
was with a ham?!

[chuckling]

Hey, am I looking
at a Wildebeest?

No, that's just Mimi.
She's my boss' assistant.

I can't join that lodge, man.

It's all just a bunch of bigots.

You know, my
lodge isn't like that.

You know, the
Wildebeests are a disgrace

to hard-drinking, male-only
organizations everywhere.

So, did you talk to your
dad after the lodge meeting?

Well, I tried to,
but it's kinda hard

to have a heart-to-heart
talk with your dad

when you have to strip him naked

and shove him in the shower.

Oswald's an Indian?

How come no one ever told me?

I don't know, but all
the signs were there.

He found a use for
all parts of the buffalo

after the hunt. He had 90
different names for snow.

You know, he-he
does shed a single tear

every time someone pollutes.

Hi, No-Loincloth-Big-Enough.

Are you ready for lunch?

Drew, you want to come with?

Nah, I can't eat. This
is driving me crazy.

I gotta come up with
a plan to show my dad

I can be a success
without the lodge.

I love you whether you're
successful or just the way you are.

Man, it's six months
till employee reviews.

This sucks.

Aww. Look, the little dog's

dressed like Shakespeare.

Why don't you guys go
ahead. I'm gonna make a call.

Alright. See you then.

Bye.

[Mr. Bell on phone]
Hello.

Mr. Bell, it's Drew Carey.

[Mr. Bell]
What is it?

Well, sir, I was
wondering if you had time

to see me in your
office for a few minutes?

[Mr. Bell]
Sure. Call me around
the first of the month.

Uh, no. I-I need
to talk to you now.

[Mr. Bell]
Are you high, Carey?

No, sir, I.. I want a raise.

[Mr. Bell]
Sorry, Carey. No can do.

No want do.

No care do.

Are you high, sir?

[Mr. Bell]
Anything else, Carey?

Look, I've worked
here for seven years.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but if I don't get a raise,

I'm leaving.

[Mr. Bell]
Alright. I'll give you
an extra $100 a month.

Oh, my God! Thank you, sir!

Oh, my God. I can't believe it!

Boy, I don't know what
I would have done if...

How about 125?

[dial tone]

I didn't want to make you
nervous, but I had to hear.

Your dad's gonna
be so proud of you.

Yeah. Maybe now I can tell him

that I'm the one that
stole his Playboys

and broke the kitchen window.

I thought that was
your brother Neil.

Still could be. Let's see
what it's worth to him.

[instrumental music]

♪ Money don't buy
everything, it's true ♪

♪ But what it don't
buy, I can't use ♪

♪ Just give me money ♪

Hey, dad.

How's the VCR coming?

It was working at 1:00.

Then it broke at 3:00.

Then it was working at 4:00.

Then it broke at 6:00.

Now I'm just
trying to figure out

why the clock still works.

Listen, I appreciate
you takin' a stab at it,

but maybe I should
just take it to someone

who, you know, knows
what they're doing.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you wanted it
screwed up by a novice.

Here. It's fixed.

Thanks.

So how did you wear
out the freeze frame?

Uh...

Sporting events.

[clears throat]

Hey, uh, I got some good news.

I got a raise.

You're kidding. Congratulations!

See? More leverage
when you negotiate

your deal for the new job.

This calls for some ice cream.

Dad, last night, you said

the anniversary of your bypass

called for some ice cream.

Alright.

This calls for some
of your low-fat cheese.

So I guess I don't have to
join the Wildebeests after all.

What are you talking
about? Of course you do.

Well, you know, I'll
be so busy rebudgeting

and, uh, looking for,
hold on to your hat,

a new car...

I just won't have the time.

A new car.

What year?

I was thinking a '92.

Maybe a recalled '93.

Join the lodge.

What for? I'm doing everything
you want. I'm moving ahead,

I just got a
promotion and a raise.

And pretty soon, I'll
be running that joint.

Yeah. And then what?

And then you'll
complain about it.

Man, I'm never good
enough for you, huh?

I remember one time I
came home with four Cs,

you said, "why
didn't you get six Cs?"

You get disappointed when
I get second-degree burns.

Oh, come on.

Come on! There's
nothing wrong with a father

wanting more for his
son. You can do better.

The Wildebeests can help you.

Yeah. Maybe I can get
a job in the cloakroom

hanging up their sheets.

What are you talking about?

Maybe it's a different
crowd than when you joined.

But, you know, these guys...

One guy said that Mexicans
shouldn't learn English

so they wouldn't know we're
paying 'em less than blacks.

Nah. Same crowd.

And that doesn't bother you? You
know, I sure wasn't raised that way.

Of course it bothers me,

but there are idiots everywhere.

You ignore 'em if you
want to get ahead faster.

You know what?

This isn't even about the lodge.

This is about you
being too stubborn

to take your father's advice.

Hey, you know, I like
my job, problems and all.

I enjoy my friends.
I have a good life.

Now, I'm not a kid
anymore, so leave me alone.

You'd think you'd be satisfied
to know that I'm happy.

Now, now let me tell you.

I did very well working
at a job for 35 years

that I hated. Happy
doesn't mean,

jack cheese.

Yeah? If you're gonna
start swearing, I'm leavin'.

You don't have to. I will.

What are you doing?

I'm playing pool.

No, you're not.

You're going to listen to me.

You know, I got a
lot of things from you.

My stubbornness,
my perseverance,

my low waistline.

If you think a day goes by where
I don't hear your voice in my head

telling me to try
harder, you're wrong.

And I'm not saying I don't appreciate
everything you've done for me,

but, you know, get off my ass!

Neil's the one who
stole your Playboys

and broke the kitchen window.

[scoffs]

You know, I said the
same thing to my father

when I was about your age.

He beat the crap out of me.

Yeah. Grandpa used
to tell me that story

before he put me to bed.

Yeah well, your grandfather

was from the old country.

He didn't know any better.

Dad, since when is
Pennsylvania the old country?

I'm sayin'... He
was bitter, Drew.

He never reached
his full potential.

I don't want you
to feel like that

20 years from now.

I won't. And if I do, it's
going to be my own fault,

so, you know,
you're off the hook.

[sniffles]

It's 20 years, That's all I got?

Give or take.

Ten years,

you want to leave
your wife and kids

for that hot number
with nice muffins

behind the counter
at Dunkin' Donuts.

But you get over that.

Dad.

The woman at dunkin' donuts

is 64 years old now.

She smokes out of her neck.

[scoffs]

Startin' to snow.

[sniffs]

Still want to play?

Is my last name Carey?

Buck a ball.

You're on.

You know those rain
gutters look clogged.

You know, they were like that

when I bought
the place from you.

You know, for all your talk,

you didn't do one thing in
30 years to fix this house.

Why do you think I sold
it? Place is a money pit.

Hey, no eating in the car.

I'm only renting it for a week.

I don't want peanut
shells all over the place.

Come on, watch it.
That's genuine pleather.

Drew, can you please put
the top up?! I'm freezing.

Come on, this is great. The
heat is on. The top is down.

Way to spend a raise, Drew.

I got a cold front
blowing across my head

and a warm front
brewing in my pants.

I'm either gonna catch
pneumonia or become a tornado.

If it'll make you feel better

I'll drive behind this truck.

It'll block the wind.

Drew, that's a garbage truck.

Yeah, but see? It's
better. It's less windy.

Oh, man!

Don't you hate it
when bits of paper

fly off a garbage truck?

Oh, it just figures.
If you're not

complaining about the cold,

you're complaining about a
couple little of pieces of paper.

Okay, come on. Put
the top up, Drew.

Come on!

Alright! Alright!

- Hey, shut it all the way!
- Yeah, all the way, man.

I can't. It's stuck.

Oh!

Oh, man, it's like
a catcher's mitt!

Uh Oh. Diapers! Incoming!