Original subtitles

where's your ring leader it's coming

you're late if there's anything i detest this tidiness that your end

i refuse to pay for damaged goods hey give it a rest have pops this thing has

been around for thousands of years and seen a lot worse than this heathens

hey come on let's do this thing while we're still

young okay well while some of us are young anyway

take your sin money and be gone buzz

oh magnificent ditto

after all these years of searching oh i finally feel like my

oh my oh god

what the hell is that about reggie it was annoying

me lin come on pick up this creepy [ __ ] and

let's get out of here i know a guy down in san fran will take this off our hands

never said anything about killing why spoil the surprise

hey man yeah well you were just the muscle

to help us get this [ __ ] here from new york

you actually think i hired you to cut this three ways

how could you let that [ __ ] get away he wasn't 10 feet in front of you

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hmm

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[Music] so

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this

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yeah it's pause it went sour can you get somebody to me

232 chaney avenue power

can you please make it quicker

what are you doing in here my car broke down at

the road i'm sorry i'm gonna have to ask you to

leave yeah in about an hour i got a i got a ride coming uh no now

so uh what is this uh clinic or something like that yes it is are you the doctor here

yes i am actually dr helen knoll and you are

boss uh well mr buzz

i'm sorry i'm gonna have to ask you to leave

it's uh it's quite a kinky room you got back

there doc what kind of crazy outfits you run in

here anyway it's a facility to cure those afflicted

with severe cases of nymphomania why would you want to cure that

jesus are you gonna go home i'd have to call for some help i told you i'll be gone

about an hour no trouble all right fine just stay here

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come on this is perfect are you sure

of course i'm sure

[Music] do you know where we are

i've been here before it looks really cold tonight

all right it's a good spot

what what if they catch us give me a break they'll never even know we're gone

i will be back by the time they do head count in the morning

i don't know jess will you quit worrying here

this will call your nerves

[Music] i'll focus

these woods are kind of scary they're not it's romantic

you know what happened to my cousin's friend in

the woods oh what happened to your cousin's friend

in the woods oh her and her boyfriend snuck out one night

and went into the woods to make out and they were

getting into it all hot and heavy when suddenly

something fell from the tree right on the blanket between them

they shined their flashlights on it and saw that it was a piece of raw meat

not like a hamburger from the store but like a bloody

hunk of flesh with the skin still attached

human skin like it had just been bitten off by someone

human skin huh yeah and then they heard this horrible scream

and this thing came out of the woods charging right

towards them and no one's heard from them since

nobody ever saw them again it was alive to tell that story

come on we didn't come here to tell urban legends did we

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come on girl get out of this [Music]

so [Music]

hmm

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what was that what that noise out there was like an animal or something

if you relax there's nothing out here but as horny

but i heard it you need to take your mind off those scary stories

[Applause] lil

what happened [Music]

do

me

[Music]

that was close if they catch you i'm here don't worry about it

i thought i told you to stay downstairs you didn't say please

hey there oh god come on

[Music] well well

ain't this a peach just what are you doing out of your room girly

nothing i was just how'd you get in

where'd you get this please let me go you

better speak up [ __ ] how did you get in oh

maybe you didn't hear the lady she has to be let go she

even said please and just who in the living [ __ ] are you

ah ah don't mind me i'm just passing through we'll

see what the doctor has to say about that smart guy

why don't you just ask her this one doctor

yeah dr helen noel right we met earlier ah nola

i see it now a family resemblance you're the older sister

you're the one who's been trying to get us

shut down we get shut down and i'm out of a job

i don't want to lose my job i like it here yeah i bet you do you pervert i see you

still have your hand on her you noticed that huh she's asked you

and i've asked you politely so do something about a clown

so doc you want to tell me what's really

going on around here i got like 52 minutes to

kill [Music]

what the hell happened here impossible looks like the crate's been busted from

the inside out specimen's missing there's a sizable quantity of blood in

the crate got two over here huh

it looked like reggie cause gorilla and lynn hooper

two that we've been tracking what happened to him

their heart is a rock doesn't appear to be

rigor mortis you got any theories on that tanner

not a hand hey i guess they're just what you'd call hardened criminals

[Laughter] get it hardened

you're laughing on the inside how was i

ever unlucky enough to draw you as a partner

are you serious i requested it and i had to pull

a lot of favors to get assigned to you believe me

what are you talking about you mind if i speak

freely like you haven't been speaking freely

already look every guy at the agency knows

about special agent carol shelley you're the

hottest investigator on the squad is that really

an appropriate way to talk about a superior officer

you said i can speak freely look some of the guys

they've got a nickname for you they call you [Music] siberia shelley

that's so and i'm not even russian yeah well

you know you do come off a little chilly

i i don't i don't think so no and in fact when they're joking about you i tell them

knock that [ __ ] off you know because it's not funny

that's kind of why i want to be partnered up with you

you know to prove to them that you're not as cold as

they say you are i suppose i should thank you for your

gallantry wow forget it i got a sense about women

i knew that underneath your icy exterior you're

probably a warm charming girl with a great sense of

humor someone guys shouldn't be afraid of you know

kind of really could take to a baseball game or

maybe even dinner you mean like on a date

well that's sweet of you eden tanner i mean it you know no one's ever really

put it to me quite like that before sort of blurting it out in a plumsy sort of way

perhaps once this case is over with you could give me a call sometime

really sure when you're out of diapers that's mature

now can we get this nonsense off the table and get

down to the business of figuring what happened here

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uh ever since high school susie's had this um

condition oh sis swipe eat around the bush i'm an

info you can say it i won't be offended uh she's always been a little

hyper-sexual did you hear the one about the cheerleader

who did the whole football team on the 50-yard line

i don't know the big deal is i mean we all had a good time

and nobody got hurt uh yeah a couple months ago we took her

here for this experimental radical therapy but yeah i've had my suspicions about this

place all along you mean like the room with the

sex toys yes oh the ravaged room i love that

place oh god anyways some therapy right um you think a clinic designed to cure

nymphomania would shield its patients from sex rather than encourage it wow

i got here just in time to interrupt the great escape so where's the real doctor

hey buddy look a little green around the

gills funny i just mind your manners we'll get

along fine you got to get the hell out of here i mean it manners

you got to get the hell out of here please what do i call the cops bad idea

hey what's this worse idea

[ __ ] man sorry stay cool

uh do you wanna tell us what's going on

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what was that get back to your room [Music]

looks like we have a third victim apparently an older gentleman

apparent cause of death appears to be a gun

wound and i'm guessing judging by the position

of his body that he was shot while lying against

the crate probably also safe to assume that the

blood is his and perhaps the blood seeped into the crate

saturating whatever was on the inside what's in the crate anyways

i can't discuss it with you tanner you don't have level 4 clearance uh

it's just you and i out here i promise i won't tell

right level four clearance what the hell is level four

clearance anyways i mean what's in the crate agent shelly what

are we dealing with here all right

looks like we got company friends ears yeah couple friends i left back in the

woods friends who might not be so friendly if they

dragged me oh i see and you're putting us in the

middle of your little disagreement how chivalrous well i think it's cool

it's not what you think you're just gonna have to trust me okay

stay here please wait where are you going watch them who died and made him boss

nobody's going anywhere

you're staying put till i find a doctor then i'll take care of buzz myself

hey hey

[Music] you

i just wanna take you from this place

so am i

[Music] you're gonna have to wait there because i got something

new i know

alarm

i know i'm hurting

i like it when you have to wait you get so excited

all right baby come and get me

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doctor i've been looking for you that's a nasty

pump what happened did that get the jump on

you untie me you're blithering fool

ah

[ __ ] where's the goon well he went to go find the

doctor then he's coming after you will you get us

out of these things just shoot them off not unless

you like mushroom clouds it's a gas pipe well

think of something

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oh god honey [Music]

he's got a live one tonight

what was that it's marty and corey let me see what's

going on wait you can't just leave us here like this

well let's come out that end ha ha

uh

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looks like it's gone for now come on

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what is the meaning of this outrage uh you must be

the doctor dr horatio van gelder and i demand to

know who you are and what you are doing with my patients

well not much i just went a couple of rounds with a mummy

upstairs are you on medication sir take a look

at her leg that wasn't my one of your sex toys

oh i should say not help me get her downstairs immediately

oh [Music]

that ring oughta be worth a pretty penny damn

looks like the thing came through here you can see that again

oh my god

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[Music] what the hell happened to him death appears to be caused by numerous

lacerations the wounds appear to be not the work of just a single blade but of multiple

cutting implements perhaps even claws or talons

could you check the other one please

bourbon these girls are definitely out for some fun

looks like the party's over permanently

you know i don't get it she's hard as a rock the same

way that costco and hooper were at the crime scene

and her skin looks like it's calcified how i mean it's not the result of any

natural causes at least none that i'm aware of but we'll do that

is she going to be okay doctor i'll be fine

i'll be fine these wounds must be clean before they become infected

any weapons around this place doctor we don't want to arm ourselves for if

and when that thing comes back this is a science facility not an armory and

speaking of that you want to fill me in on this little

sex clinic of yours and uh feel free to keep it short

actually my work deals with sex only

indirectly the true focus of my studies is the

secret of youth you see i believe that sexual behavior

extreme sexual behavior is the key to unlocking the genetic mysteries of youth

sexually hyperactive individuals exude vast amounts of pheromones and chemicals

before and after intercourse chemicals which when properly treated

are capable of regenerating cells on a subatomic

level that's a nice mouthful doc but it just

sounds like an excuse to lock up a bunch of horny young girls to me actually

it only so happens that women have proven more crucial to my studies than men

i once attempted a series of experiments using satirisus as its base

set of what satirises the male version of nymphomania

but the chemicals exuded by males were insufficient to my needs

and i was driven from my original facility by community leaders

who objected to my work as is always the case

extreme medical science is met with extreme reaction by those of

smaller minds who do not understand fools all of them

i can only imagine the the resistance met by

great pioneers such as christian barnard who performed the first heart transplant

or gregory pinkus who invented the contraceptive

pill or even dr jekyll with his life altering

serum dr jekyll was a storybook doc yes yes but that that doesn't change the

validity of my point i am using human sexuality in a quest

for eternal youth and some might say i am playing god but

i ask you is not god himself a sexual being no these are questions more suited for

theologians and philosophers i am a man of science and my work speaks

to the truth of my theories thanks for keeping

it short you should be fine now my dear

where's this proof you're talking about doc you are looking at her

asians are genetically predisposed to a slower aging process for some reason

corey has responded well to my serum my one true master stroke

youth defying age what are you talking about she can't be more than 25.

on the contrary she recently turned 61. ew

you mean i've been muff diving an old hag

so what did your friend do with this little

treasure like if we knew we'd tell you [ __ ]

i'd give you a spanking but i know you'd enjoy it too much hey

maybe you know tell me and i'll be gentle

wasn't the uh kicking the balls enough or do

you like them blown off too unlock the cups

hey [ __ ]

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he's bleeding all over my pack gross

we should all get out of here to someplace safe i'm afraid cory shouldn't be moved

i'll stay down here with her okay i'll look at the others

you got any handcuff keys your goon garth handcuffed

a couple of young ladies together upstairs that

irresponsible ignoramus always late for work always shirking

responsibility i have my suspicions he's

taking advantage of my patients no but i have

yet to prove it well you keep working on that doc

if i can i'll get you his pink slip on a platter

[Music] don't go order

so

nice work yeah this uh thing came in handy oh hi what happened

my head hurts yeah come on we'll go fix it up we'll stay close

that thing's still out there somewhere wait what thing what was all

that screaming

blind's dead big shock i got a cell phone i can

use yeah but only if you tell me what's going on

see i can clean with you about what i'm doing here but i

still don't know who you are or what you're doing with a gun

okay truth i'm a federal agent i've been undercover for six months

tracking a couple of antiquities thieves they deal relics on

the black market or until got word that they were bringing

some artifacts into new york artifacts discovered in central

libya just outside a vast plane of volcanic rock called the

black harouch wait are you for real oh it gets better

evidence suggested these were artifacts we've been

searching for for 18 months artifacts not of terrestrial origin

not of ter oh you mean like e.t right an

alien we've had the crash site locked down for two years

we think the ship itself came down 5000 years ago but

we've never been able to find the occupants so we think

they jettisoned just before impact so you're telling me

some kind of x-files guy or something like that yeah something like that

this is so cool [Music]

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that's better

not now baby some crazy [ __ ] going on in this place tonight

oh i know this thing attacked me and corey

what thing oh scared the [ __ ] out of me i need a good screwing to calm me down

no no my boys had a running with that asshole's boot

they're still pretty sore oh okay didn't make it better

jesus don't you ever get enough oh i'll be gentle with your poor sword little riri

thank you

shelly here yes buzz what the hell's taking so long what's taking

us so long what do you think we're doing out here twirling our

thumbs the package has been revived i know the package has been revived

we've been following a trail of bodies out here like bread crumbs

leading straight to where you are listen buzz agent tanner and i

we've concluded that the specimen was revived by blood at

the scene which possibly provided a rejuvenative effect

on the thing's flesh the creature may even need blood for sustenance for survival

all right we'll be there as soon as we can uh yeah hurry thank you

just before i got here we were about to nab the thieves and retrieve the

artifacts and they pulled the double cross i got away with that but uh i'd

leave the rest behind the rest the mummified

remains of an extraterrestrial being

i think it's the co-pilot of the craft i don't know how but

the damn things come back to life that's what's going on

it's pissed off hungry and horny or maybe it's just after that well

what's in there a fossilized hand of what we

think is the captain of the ship possibly that

thing's commander killer can i see hey it's empty i didn't want that goon

to get his hands on it so where is it someplace safe

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are you sure you can't make your boys stand to attention

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wow it's working your heart all over

no way come on

doctor it's that thing again don't be afraid my dear

the door at the top of the stairs is reinforced steel

what about marta susie and the others i can't risk you or my research

i'm sorry my dear but they will have to fend for themselves doctor please please

out of here get out of the main road i got back up

on the way oh god blocked it he's got the keys oh

the kitchen the back door stand back

guys [Applause]

[Music]

in here hurry i'm going after him helen you

just go just momentarily i told you i'm going

after him my jacket if you please go

stick close this stuff heard that thing before [Music]

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time for you to go what no i'm not leaving without my sister

uh

hmm

so

why didn't it come after us i don't know we got lucky

yeah so what is it with you anyway what do

you mean i mean i told you to stay back in the

office and you didn't i told you to go out the back

way and you wouldn't yeah we didn't say please touche

you really should be downstairs where it's safe yeah

i know um i just want to make sure that you were

you know that you were i appreciate that but don't be getting any funny ideas

no i know you're type you don't know anything

about me you're smart carry yourself well

don't lie very good no ring no husband i'm guessing no boyfriend

conservative nine to five job maybe a legal aide or a secretary

more likely something where you help people a teacher

high school counselor suddenly get dropped in

the middle of something you only read in books or

seeing the movies meet a guy with a an unusual career

it's an exciting life you get all starry-eyed thinking

i'm your one-way ticket at adult friday nightsville

don't be ridiculous don't deny it you showed a

lot of gumption coming in here to get your sister

yeah you know i took care of the big goon too and he took care of the big gun too

once this is over it's back home counseling high

school punks this thing does not end like some

harlequin romance right guess you're going to tell me that i'd get

hurt if i was with you or you're married to your job something like that

say you're smart [Music]

how does that feel my dear what's going on up

there suze it would be best if you calm down

but they might be hurt i'm certain help is on the way please dear

yeah i know i know calm down right what i need is a

valium out of the question you know what it's okay i rated

the medicine cabinet last week girl needs your vitamins

upstairs mummy thing he got hurt

sprayed by the fire extinguisher you mean to say it was hurt by the phone

monoammonium phosphate a compound derived for the most part

from salt what do you mean that's what extinguishing foam

is made out of a derivative of salt and that's what i

used to hurt the alien with earlier it's probably why i didn't come after us in

the closet you smell the salt in there right but why would salt hurt it oh you

ever kill a slug or some of that on them and watch it show up see if it's anymore

[Music] huh

just to be on the safe side we should put some

distance between ourselves and that creature

how that leads to a series of underground

passageways used to run liquor during the

prohibition it should lead us above the ground

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corey corey

come on

damn [Applause]

so

i know she's still here just stay with me okay susie

footprints so that thing went this way

i think

susie

[Music] [ __ ]

helen sorry

doctor what are you doing i need to rest for a moment are you kidding me i mean

that thing could be anywhere just for a while

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[Music] did you even try to stop it what a

fascinating creature i can't let you harm it what

the hell are you talking about a specimen like

that thousands of years old and yet somehow still alive

think but it could tell us about life and

death think what it could mean to my research

into the mystery of life we're out of your [ __ ] mind

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[Music] just up here

shelly the last thing i need is for you to blow my

head off tonight sorry about that partner partner

oh helen knowles my partner agent shelly hi so partner

took you so long well we found the exchange point what the hell happened down there

and what happened to the to the items it's okay it's no secret she's seen

everything too much very well what happened to

the creature outside in the tunnels underneath the

house i had to liquidate it it's nothing but a pile of

rancid alien glop now i should send the collections team up

there tell them to bring some it's on their way what happened to the hand

lost it buzz not again shelly give me a break i've had a rough night

just send the extermination team in there they'll find it all right good work buzz

let the paramedics take a look at you down at the car you look like hell

so that's your partner huh she's pretty she's just my partner

you were great in there tonight thanks i guess it's back to my

nine-to-five job and lonely friday nights huh

i don't i don't want anything to happen to you

that's what i thought it's nice to meet you mr

agent pussywork hey

call me sometime yeah right

okay

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i just wanna take you from is a this thing to waste a little look that was

all they took to get you all up in my personal space

i knew the

after rules

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but now everything seems so messed up no more boozing in plastic cups so i grab

me some chicks in a bottle of booze farm and bring it to a school of fire

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me [Music]

me

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me [Music] me

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so what can i do to give you guys something

unique special something that no one else can

do seriously i'm thinking what can be just sort of a gift or a trade or something i

can offer that no other producer on the planet can do weird

as it sounds i came up with this idea and it's been great so

far this is our last night for anybody here who buys 100 bucks worth of stuff

whatever it is you will get an executive producer credit on my next movie

check it out this is not some weird little gimmick like okay i'm saying this is on the

credits of the movie

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[Music] so

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so

you