Original subtitles

I love my children. I want to be a good mother to them.

But I'm not a person to sit around and sew and decorate and paint.

I am not a housewife. I have never been a housewife.

I told him that...

I wanted to move to a little house with a picket fence

and bear his children even if he wouldn't marry me.

It's perfectly true that I said that, and I meant it.

I wanted Charley's children because I just knew

they would turn out to be wonderful children.

MUST READ AFTER MY DEATH

Well, let's start out.

I was born Allis, A L L I S,

in Cleveland, Ohio, on December 8th, 1911.

Charley, my husband,

was born on October 8th, 1912.

And I have four children.

Correspondence between Charley and the family.

Charley is in Australia.

Tuesday, February 14th.

I can't recognize my own voice on this machine of yours.

It sounds entirely strange and very heart burnish,

or something like that.

Anyhow I wanted to talk just a moment. I'll learn before 7 weeks are up.

Cheerio, I'm off now.

It's incredible someone who travels 16 weeks out of the year,

during those 16 weeks, I am left at home with the children.

Hi, Mommy and the kids.

It's nice to be in Australia where there is no snow.

But it's not a glamorous spot.

It's not as interesting as Hartford, Connecticut.

I'd like to say hello to the children if they are there.

First of all, Annie, you sound wonderful on the record.

I'm glad you got the shoes,

and that you handled yourself very well in the store.

and I'm very proud of you.

And Chucky, I appreciate your jokes. They're very funny.

And I've got a few for you.

Brucie, you can always depend on.

Brucie is always right in there, pitching.

And then...

Douglas, you little monkey!

I can get you loud and clear on the record.

Last night, I was listening to your record,

and I got your pipsqueak kisses, and here's a kangaroo kiss to you.

I'll give you lots of kangaroo kisses when I get home.

I miss you so, and to spend all day long without you.

I simply can't stay up until 2:30 a.m and then get up at 7:30 a.m.

and stay up all day.

But I just don't go to sleep at night.

You're not there to fuss at.

I danced with all the wives.

They all thought I was wonderful. I thought they were wonderful too.

But nobody would leave one behind for me.

They were all being very selfish.

Anyway, I love you. I love the four bastards.

Goodnight, darling. Goodnight, rascals.

Hi, Dad, this is Doug.

I wanted you, to give to you, a pipsqueak kiss.

I mean Daddy, I'm going to give you a pipsqueak kiss.

Hi Dad, this is Bruce.

We're about to call all the papers

and I can throw a snowball.

Hi Pop, this is Chuck.

We miss you at the water-bomb fights

because you usually will keep me dry and those things.

Hi Dad, this is Anne.

You're just allowed to find out our completely in order house,

which means you'll be planning to be sent to the hospital.

I don't know what Anne said on the other side of this record.

We have an agreement. We will not read each other's records.

These are just conversations as if we were talking on the phone.

They are only valuable for the impact...

and effect they have when you listen to them.

I don't think there's any reason these should be kept for posterity.

I am not giving these records back to be shaved.

We will buy them from the office, but I am not giving these up.

These are something the children will love to have in later years.

It will give them a chance to hear you talking to them.

I think maybe in recent years,

you and I have not talked to each other enough.

I think communications have sort of broken down.

We always seem to be reading or rushing around or something.

Maybe we should get away a little more together...

just so we can talk.

I dance, you see. I love to dance.

Some people say...

"You like women", which I do.

There have been 3 that are very interesting and very delightful.

And each case, it was simply a matter of saying, almost...

"How about it?"

I'll tell you about it when I get home, but they're quite interesting people.

I miss you very much indeed,

but I also hope you're having some fun yourself,

and not just working all the time on the house.

However, by God, the bedroom had better be cleaned up or else!

So far, we've kept the house pretty neat.

and I haven't done our room yet because I've been too tired.

This one is for the kids.

I realize...

in many ways, I haven't been a very good father.

I've yelled at you kids too much, and I shouldn't do that.

I've yelled at Mommy too much, and I shouldn't do that.

But of course, as I've told Mommy,

the only principal source...

of any unhappiness in our family, I think,

is keeping the house picked up

and looking like the place it should look like.

Particularly, our bedrooms. Keep them in decent order.

Then you don't have to worry about the room

because it stays picked up.

If you'll do that, then I'll do my part

to try to be nicer and more pleasant

and to spend more time with you.

Is that a fair bargain?

I love you all very much and I miss you.

One reason I want to call you is that you have said in the past...

that I was to be as frank as I wanted to be.

And if that is true,

we may learn some home truths back and forth, I don't know.

You do have so very much to offer.

I wish you had been more explicit...

in your letters and over the telephone.

In a nice way of course

because the overseas operators listen in.

So that I really knew for certain...

that you did get what you went to New York for.

I feel certain you did, but you've simply ignored it

except for the one little reference saying that...

It was very spectacular.

It was very relaxing and very nice.

And it certainly gives a gal a great big boost

to see lots of care as pimps...

...flow away, and that was what happened.

And I think...

that his confidence was restored in himself.

And his parting remark was...

Someday I'll tell you what you've done for me.

Well, I sure hope you're listening to these alone.

You probably don't really quite agree...

with my philosophy on love and sex.

I think you try to tell me that...

you must feel like a mad dog,

and you like to be possessive.

I know there's a hazard.

There's a hazard that...

Harry or somebody else...

might get to you to the point where you would feel that...

you weren't married to me anymore.

And maybe a lurking of...

I figure that...

if our problem ever came out,

it would sort of shock people.

I want to talk to you about a tremendous experience here.

I took Merle out tonight.

And we went down...

I put my raincoat down in the sand and watched the stars.

And you know very well what we did.

I hope you are not disappointed in me

or jealous.

I said to Merle that I love her.

I love you.

I love you deeply.

I don't know if you remember or not, but I remember terribly well.

But we talked about friendship

and being able to communicate with each other.

But friends are people to whom you can say anything,

and they will understand.

I'm going to ask Merle to say Hello to you,

but she feels...

Allis, it's my first time to talk to you.

I think you're tremendous, yes, yes, yes.

I'm going to ask her to sing for you,

Maybe one of her favorite songs.

Keep my cockatoo cool, Curl

Keep my cockatoo cool

Don't go acting the fool, Curl

Keep my cockatoo cool

All together now

Tie my kangaroo down, sport

Tie my kangaroo down

Tie my kangaroo down, sport

Tie my kangaroo down

I've been listening to your records for a long time this morning

and thinking very much about what you said,

and understanding...

and thanking God that you've had the records

so that you could talk to me.

I love you very, very much.

And you know that,

or you wouldn't have been able to send those two records.

Well, I did the kind of things with Lar.

Sorry, I'm just...

You have done and you are doing a fabulous job with the children.

Goodnight, Darling. I love you.

This is Anne. Goodnight, Daddy.

Hello, Pop, this is Chuck speaking for WM Gross.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, I love you. This is the end of the record.

Sail, baby, sail

out upon that sea

Only don't forget to sail

back again to me

Back again to me

Since the tape recorder was sent just a year ago,

so that I might put down things on tape that I wanted our children to know.

Then Bruce was taken sick and it became a therapeutic device...

for all of us.

It is time to put things on tape.

There's some things...

which are very much in my mind these days.

which I want to think out for myself.

Charley is always criticizing the children.

Patience which had always been with Charley was gone

and he's telling me

that everything that is wrong in the family is my fault.

I think he has a great potential as a father,

but somewhere, somehow, something went wrong.

When Anne was 15, he had a talk with her

she was much too young to understand.

and I think it brought great sadness to her whole life.

Many things that happened to her would never have happened.

She fell in love with a bad boy

because he was the only boy who ever paid any attention to her.

She ran away to him when he went to New York

because she could not stand the fights in the house.

She could no longer stand being in this house.

I hope this isn't the reason why she's married.

And I think now she has found happiness.

I am worried about the load which Chucky is carrying

and if things go on as they are now,

he is going to have to carry an ever greater...

weight.

He's 16.

Chuck studied a total of about...

six hours last night.

and it should have taken him an hour and a half, at the most.

I don't see how he can get through this Summer or next Winter.

Because he has no idea of studying.

He has no idea how to read for content.

He has never been taught.

Charley said, You should have taught him.

But when I tried to tell him, Charley wouldn't let me.

Bruce has been...

growing stouter for the past 2 years. He's now 13.

You want to tell us all the things that are bad with us.

Now, I'll tell you something.

They're bad about you and Mom.

How do you expect Douglas and I to do all the things you ask?

To clean up our rooms and be nice boys.

But we come home and first of all,

you and Mother fight all the time.

Every day Mother's got a new thing she's trying to shove down my throat.

Last night the newest thing was...

and before that it was prune seed,

and before that, vegetable juices, and before that, it was vitamins,

and everything else.

If you would leave me alone about eating, I'll do fine.

But when you try to shove crud down my throat,

I don't give a fuck.

If he runs away from home because it's too much to handle,

which he does often,

he always calls me to tell me where he is.

I'm worried about Douglas.

I don't know where we went wrong.

I know that I feel...

that all hell has broken loose

since we came to Hartford 12 years ago.

Anne once said to me, What happened?

We were such a happy family.

I don't like him being unhappy at the office.

I don't want him to stay if he's unhappy there.

I went back to Italy this Summer because I had to go.

I was gone 10 days.

And I'm glad I went because I think it saved my life.

I think it saved my sanity

and it gave me a belief in myself again.

Because my friends believe in me. They think I can do anything.

They call on me for anything.

I am back again.

I just feel that somewhere something has to be done...

to help the family.

I have to go to sleep.

It's one o'clock, and I'm tired, and this has been a difficult session.

But I've been putting this down for one reason.

If Charley and I do get to see somebody,

after they have seen us once, then I will give them this tape,

and I will ask them to listen to it.

Because some of these things

I don't want to say in front of Charley yet.

Because I feel he is on the brink of something

and I'm scared of that too.

And so whoever you are, Goodnight.

And Chuck is a counselor there.

This has been a fabulous experience for Chuck.

Camping brings back lots of happy memories to me.

I remember two of the great big wonderful Indian war canoes

we used to go out on at a pond at Wellanagonac, a Denmark name.

I remember trips that we've taken in the car.

I wish we could have done this with our kids.

We never did and it's too late now.

Anne's gone.

It brings back...

wonderful memories of Arizona trails with my father

when we rode horseback.

I must have been a nasty girl

because I wouldn't take any guff from anybody.

Yet they all liked me, and they all loved me.

So I don't quite see what's happened since then.

But I guess...

I guess people don't like that kind of a person, really.

Anne is married. Chuck is 17.

Bruce and Doug were working to bring themselves out of miseries.

They're both in a high emotional state.

- And Chuck has to have a realm of... - Neurological stuff.

No, physical... medical stuff. We've passed the neurological part.

This is going to cost money.

Now I wonder what I should do.

The next 10 years will bring Douglas up to 21 years of age.

Should I forget time to...

be a businesswoman or do anything else and simply stay at home

and keep house and try to make things calm, comfortable and quiet

for Charley and the boys?

I have to get this to Dr. Lenn.

What is Charley's role in this house?

Trying to be a sweetheart, a wife, and a mother.

Many women are unable to handle both of these roles adequately.

They'll settle on one or the other.

So, there's a conflict between roles.

Very often your role as a breadwinner

and your role as a Charley Good fellow at home

who is always available to take the kids anywhere they want to go,

and to meet the needs of your wife.

According to Dr. Lenn,

the basic difficulty between us is we have different sets of values.

According to Dr. Lenn, Charley has to live by his values.

My values are more permissive.

It's still gone back to the old thing that your father is very jealous

of my years in Europe,

of my 1st marriage, of my singing...

and of anything pertaining to this.

I got to the point

where I wasn't interested in volunteer work anymore.

I didn't want to do it, and I don't want to do it.

But neither do I want to sit around and just do housework.

I don't play bridge,

and I'm not a going out to coffee person.

So what do I do with my time?

Now the next question is, Do I have the right...

to take the time from the family to do anything?

I've got to find something

in which I am successful at.

Tom, I am at the point that I am breaking

from not having success.

I cannot point out anywhere in my life...

in 55 years that I have had success.

It's also a question of if I'm going to spend as much money as it looks

on psychologists and psychiatrists.

Because Dr. Lenn said he wants to work intensively with Bruce

and may pull in psychiatrists.

- Bruce? - Yeah.

Now if you don't shout, you can come in here and help us.

I hope I can.

We started out this tape...

discussing what I should do...

with my life as a person.

We worked out how much my father spent

on drinking and smoking.

We figured out if he cut it down by one quarter,

it would have saved us a great deal of money.

We showed it to him and he just said, Hmm

and the next day he was drinking Vodka.

- Bruce, you can't go out by trying... - You listen to me!

You know what Judith told me? Judith told me I could spend...

I didn't say a word. You explained how you were...

And I explained how I am.

And then I opened my mouth...

Now, you didn't listen to...

You're not going to tell me that ever again.

Sorry, Bruce, go right ahead.

First thing I said...

We're not getting this done by talking about it.

May I say something?

You interrupt me every time I open my mouth.

Because you have no damn business to.

It's none of your business what I spend on my expense account.

You brought this on yourself. You're wrong!

It isn't the deal I think.

If you go on cheating...

- Will you come back here, please? - I'll do anything for you right now.

She started the whole damn thing. This is wrong.

I'm not happy...

with the way in which the association is developing.

We've dictated a memorandum to Lou Chapman

about some of these things

and I may get fired for it, but I don't give a God damn if I do.

Can you tell me why...

just because I produce an idea, it's no goddamn good?

Maybe it's because they know about you and me

and about what we believe in.

It wouldn't change the fact that you're free as air

and I'm glad you've used the freedom,

or that I'm as free as air.

I think maybe

we have been a little forward in getting this across.

We probably would have been better off to be hypocritical

and pretend that we don't.

Social mobility, the meeting of people the small world it is.

We aren't doing as well as we should be doing in Hartford.

I stopped entertaining

because after every dinner party, there was a fight.

I hadn't said the right thing or done the right thing.

Something was wrong.

- Why first Allis do you come in here - Yes, I had to go to the toilet.

Go to the toilet!

The hell with the cat!

My wife tells Bibi to sit in my lap.

Charley, shut up.

Oh, nuts to you!

What do you want?

You're as bad as burnt fruit.

He drank Martinis after Martinis.

He drank them during dinner, another one after dinner.

And they were double Martinis.

I'm surprised that Burt Healy

thought it was necessary to caution me on expenses and drinking.

I haven't been drinking, Dear, either.

It's just that I think I'm beginning to learn

something about the mysteries of life.

I know it's a very strange request, but I can't help making it.

And I hope you understand this.

I'd love to get together with her myself.

And I hope you will sponsor this,

and if you don't feel you should, just say so.

And concerned that there might be any hazard of this...

relationship being disturbed by outsiders coming in.

On the other hand, in our country, as in your country

there are very adequate laws.

I came down, Charley was in front of me.

I said something to him, and he slapped me in the jaw.

My jaw hurts quite badly and all my teeth hurt.

And I fell down when Charley hit me.

Chuck went for him, and...

Chuck was about ready to kill him.

I grabbed Chuck's coat and tore it a bit.

Chuck took off his coat, and ran after his father,

and told him to take off his glasses, and Charley didn't.

And they were screaming at each other outside

and then Charley drove off.

He cried and cried a lot about how unhappy he was.

A 14 year-old...

he should be with his parents, and he shouldn't be there.

What were they trying to do?

Get him away from the family by being in boarding school.

I have an 11 a.m. session with Dr. Lenn today

in which he tells me

that Dr. Altenberg and he were in complete agreement

that Doug was simply parroting me in everything he said,

and that subconsciously I had passed on to Douglas

my desire not to have him go to school.

And this something I simply...

cannot understand, I can't believe.

Dr. Lenn says that Dr. Altenberg says...

that I did this...

I've done this as a means of getting at Charley.

That it was my last way of being able to get at him.

Dr. Lenn made me sound like...

a lowest form of human being...

that I can imagine.

He said...

that I had damaged my whole family.

That I would have killed myself rather than do it consciously.

But that unconsciously I had done it.

I begged him to let me leave them.

I begged that...

if as a wife and a mother, I had done this to my family,

then I should leave.

And he said, No.

That Douglas needed to know his mother was at home.

I cannot understand...

why...

Douglas should have a mother at all

if his mother has been responsible...

for the condition he is in now.

Dr. Lanning said Bruce is doing well and is looking forward to the weekend.

- I would like to say a few things. - Is it recording?

Yeah.

Yes, it is recording.

One afternoon Doug and I are upstairs, and you and Mom were fighting.

It doesn't make sense.

We were doing no wrong and you were blaming each other.

I did not address you, Bruce, because I've been trying to avoid that,

knowing you have these irrational outbursts about your father.

You think Mother wears the pants in the family.

No.

Yes, you make up an excuse for Mom.

No, when I say I want you to set the table or something,

I back it up.

But you fight Mom.

You yell at us, then say, leave him alone

You said...

These are your kids. You brought them up wrong.

You've done this or that.

You have said... I can't remember the exact date.

I would suggest a different approach here.

Alright, I did.

Allis, you're going against the law on this thing.

...was out of town, had the right to see him at home.

Not when I'm in high school.

So, I'd better know, or I'll have to learn it by myself.

Now, why didn't you clean the waste baskets yesterday?

No, I fucking hate it!

- Get back to the chores. - No, I will not!

It's my turn to talk about whatever I want to.

He's right.

Every time I bring up something, you change the subject back to chores.

Now, I want to call my trumps on this right now.

Dad isn't going to say anything.

Organize your thoughts in your mind, then say what you want to say.

Session with Bob Goodwin.

The home is the last refuge...

that we can turn to.

That's what I tell him and his mother.

A child's rule in the family...

mother rule, father rule, otherwise you have chaos.

Because...

Chaos, you like that.

But do you feel you are fit?

In fact, a disappearing father.

At times I'm very angry because you're out with that girl,

going to terrific places.

But you're not wise enough.

You're bound, you're in this...

You're living

between the TV screen and the kitchen sink.

And you resent it. So you love the girls and the wife.

You're always talking about

how you're accustomed to expanding the bed.

The leader to the children.

Children can accept ideas without time for interpretation.

The leader can get cut down,

be ignored, he has no thoughts.

He has to have this kind of channel.

So in other words,

the woman's role is crucial at this point.

Bruce came home at 9 a.m. Saturday morning

until 9 p.m. Sunday night.

Douglas saw Dr. Altenberg at nine.

Chuck telephoned himself and talked to Franconia College,

and made a date to spend the night of the 23rd with them,

and stay in class on the 24th,

and talk to different teachers and see...

then they would make a decision if they'd accept him at Franconian.

Bruce is coming home again this weekend,

and if things go right, he's going to come home

on the 17th, and stay through till the night of the 22nd.

I don't know what we'll do for those three days.

Charley can take a week off if he wants.

I've just come from Dr. Lenn's. We had a good visit.

I think Dr. Lenn is saying to me...

Stop telling Charley what to do. Let him make the decisions.

Even if they're wrong, and I'm trying to do that.

Or even if I think they're wrong.

Charley and I had a good session with Mrs. Hewitt.

The first we've had without having a fight together.

Well, I haven't ended up feeling, I wish to God he'd leave me alone.

I think things are going a great deal better now.

I am beginning to feel better,

and I'm beginning to feel that maybe I can do things.

I'm a bit worried about Dr. Lenn and I'm not going to until next week.

I think I, myself, have been in...

probably in more severe psychological condition than I realized.

It's a rough day today.

It's 9:30 here, and I have a 12:00 visit at the institute.

Run errands, and then 3 p.m., Dr. Lenn,

down to my CLU class at 4:30

and back out Dr. Mendel Forrest at seven...

for the group therapy session.

Charley is seeing Dr. Lenn next week,

alone on Tuesday.

Chuck is seeing him on Monday.

We've changed the date for the marathon.

The deal is to Justin that we bring the husbands in on this.

Possibly even as much as 24 hours.

I think this would be wonderful.

I really think this would be terrific.

Charley is being wonderful.

He's so much... nicer when he's sober.

And he's been giving up drinking for several weeks,

and it's all the difference in the world.

And I can't find the records that he sent back from Australia

that I put somewhere for safekeeping.

He brought home the dictating machine so that we could tape them.

And now I can't find them because I put them away

and he didn't get angry, and I was so afraid he would.

And it was wonderful...

because I hadn't done nothing right.

I don't know what to do.

Dr. Lenn says that when a man marries,

he marries because he wants a woman with a capital "W".

And he wants a woman

to be greeting and be a house bizman.

Alter his ego and keep a calm happy house for him.

And I've done a rotten stinking job of that.

And I'm not a woman with a capital "W".

March 21st, 1967

First day of Spring, and we're expecting a snowstorm.

- Is Bruce okay? - He has signed out.

- Where is he? - He's at the institute.

They can keep him for 10 days after he has signed out.

Now they want me to commit him and I absolutely refuse it.

The doctors say he shouldn't come out.

Maybe you...

- But I'm not going to commit him. - Why not?

Because if I commit him,

then we can never take him out

unless we get a psychiatrist release and go to court.

And I'm not turning my child over to anybody.

What does he do? Have therapy or...

He has two half-hour sessions a week with the psychiatrist.

- And that's it. - Is that all?

And this is what is bugging him and what is bugging me.

Charley says,

He's in the best place he can possibly be.

You should take it on faith, and I won't.

So I raised hell.

Two half-hours a week.

To be living there, that doesn't sound like much.

Yeah.

What's he even doing in there?

Because he was throwing things around and he threatened his father.

Threatened his father?

He sat there one night. He said, I'll kill him.

He finally picked up something and threw it at him.

And because he was getting uncontrolled fits of anger.

When he would tear things up and throw things around.

Mommy said one day,

Allis, I like Charley, and I think he's a man-god.

This was before we had married.

But she said,

I have never in my life met someone with such an inferiority complex.

And he did have one.

He's actually known for his job up here.

Then he wrote a book.

The book was for a college course,

and he had never written a book before in his life.

And this was a big pat on the back.

And...

I had college. Well, I speak four languages.

I would drop out from high school,

and I dropped out of college in December of my sophomore year

because of the war.

And then I went on to night school whenever I could take it.

I met Charley and married him.

Then I realized I couldn't go on to college anymore, I had to stop.

Because he had no college, and he is very sensitive about it.

And this man is so unsure of himself that it's absolutely wicked,

and I think he's grown fearful of losing me...

to somebody that might be more interesting.

Dr. Lanning said that Bruce could not come home for the weekend

and Bruce was perfectly furious.

I gather from Anne that he called her and was incoherent for 10 minutes.

He was so angry.

Then finally he calmed down, and she talked to him.

And...

helped him a little, I think.

He talked to me and was angry at me.

And Dr. Lanning took away his telephone privileges for a week.

I've lost all my spunk and all my get-up-and-go,

and I don't find it anywhere.

Bruce today, I asked him to cut the grass,

He said, No, I don't live here anymore.

Why should I?

Bruce, this is your home.

No it isn't, I come here for 11 hours, once a week.

It isn't my home anymore.

What are people doing to our children? Then they say it's our fault.

It isn't, not entirely.

The 2 or 3 times when I talked to Bruce in there,

it seemed to me that Bruce...

was under the influence of some kind of a tranquilizer.

I cannot go on being told I'm wrong.

I've got doubts in my mind. Doctors aren't always 100% right.

I don't know what's the matter, Darling.

I don't know what's the matter.

Charley and I love each other. We cuddle up to each other at night.

And we can't open our mouths to each other.

We just seem to be bristling at each other all the time.

I don't want a divorce or a separation.

I can't stand seeing my children like this.

I don't like it.

I don't like the idea of taking a tranquilizer

but I decided I had better do it these few days while Bruce is home

because I have to be in a condition where he does not get upset tonight.

Dr. Lanning said that, Bruce tells him this morning that...

the tantrums last year and all the scenes that he put on...

were done on purpose...

to get attention, which is exactly what Bruce told me.

Chuck brought home a test that he took once before,

but he's so confused on arithmetic,

and he has been all along ever,

and nobody will listen to me about it.

I still know that the thing I should do with this family

is take these three boys into the mountains,

or into the wilderness somewhere where they can settle down...

and grow,

and then bring them back into civilization.

None of them are in a good mental condition.

And Dr. Lenn says it's because I'm a non-conformist,

and in this world you have to be conformist.

Maybe I am a non-conformist,

and maybe Charley is a bigger conformist than he thinks.

But...

I still don't believe in conformity.

I don't believe in conforming for conformity's sake.

Nothing anybody says is going to make me agree.

I believe in what you do,

and I think it's a wrong civilization or a wrong culture

that requires you to conform in order to do anything.

Charley once remarked about wanting him to go to a school for the retarded.

There's nothing retarded about Chuck.

It's simply a block.

He's scared because...

he won't have anyone to lean on when he goes to college.

And I just think I'm right...

that he should have taken a year off and not gone.

I think we're wrong not to have told him so.

I don't know what to do about it at this point.

But I hope Chuck doesn't break.

I couldn't stand it if Chuck broke too.

We can't all go into the institute.

- Would you like to see Dr. Lenn? - No.

Don't you understand me?

You don't understand me and I want somebody else to.

I don't want to go to that institute. I want to go and do the paper.

I want to do the paper.

- How can I do it now? - Because you want to.

Everything is going around in circles in my head.

I worry about everything, and I know what I have to do.

And I want to do it.

I want to get out of school and I want to do this.

I want to live, and I'm not living.

You see, I'm not living. I feel like this all the time.

I don't know where the back room... I think they call it...

the secrets have been something like...

Then I have to go to the institute.

And I'm not...

I took the tape over that I made with Chuck.

He was in hysteria yesterday.

Charley behaved like this. He couldn't let Chuck alone.

He said on the tape...

Chuck, if you ask me questions, you're going to answer.

He doesn't realize Chuck is just talking the talk.

He's trying the same thing.

I just feel as if the whole world was coming apart.

Dr. Lenn says...

the whole family is planning on committing suicide

because Charley and I do not agree on what the kids should do.

I told Dr. Lenn...

Why don't you let me leave? Why can't I leave?

Dr. Lenn said he didn't think Charley would stay much longer.

Then why sweat it out?

Why not just make a break if Charley is not going to stay?

We saw Dr. Lenn at MEM this morning.

We came away very depressed.

He said...

that Chuck is in danger of not graduating.

And that Chuck realizes this.

He said that he had a...

16 page psychologist report on Charley that was made 3 or 4 years ago

that I didn't know about.

And this report went into Charley... as a person,

and into his...

work at the office,

and what he was doing...

under the terrible difficulties which he had at home.

I said that any report

that Dr. Lenn was getting from anybody...

was incorrect or incomplete

simply because they had never investigated the whole situation.

What is the meaning of life? What does all this mean?

How important are the things that we think are important?

The status symbols, the...

I don't know. I'm just rambling on,

trying to communicate with you somehow.

I don't want to be with him.

I don't know.

I said to him at lunch today...

I'm sorry Charley. I realize that...

...a very poor wife to you.

And he said,

Well, there's only been two areas: housekeeping and finances.

It's almost 5 p.m.

And I came out... for a ride.

I don't know what is wrong today.

I don't know why.

I don't know what triggered it.

Because I thought everything was going so well,

and I was happy about the weekend,

and I was happy about... Bruce.

And all of the sudden I'm drowned in tears,

and I don't understand anything.

When I walked into Dr. Lenn's office

I say, What happened? What went wrong?

And Dr. Lenn says...

All the children have failed.

Because of the atmosphere of the house.

I want out.

I've brought four wonderful children into the world.

Where the hell have they all gone? What's happened to them?

Saying this down don't make peace of myself...

I know...

the kids are going through this anguish and unhappiness...

And I can understand people who kill their children

rather than have them live like this.

I just don't have the courage to do it.

Just end it all.

To not have them suffer and be unhappy anymore.

They sound terribly unhappy.

All of us are in such a mess.

July 17, 1967

This has been a very difficult winter for us.

Bruce went into the institute on Thanksgiving Eve...

and came out on June 23rd.

Chuck was doing very badly in school

but started to do better in the 2nd semester

and came through with 2 B's and 2 C's when he graduated.

Douglas was in school the 2nd half of the year.

We are trying to learn.

We have had almost...

Well, we've had weekly sessions with Dr. Theodore I. Lenn...

and sometimes more often.

I have been in group therapy.

And we have been seeing Mrs. Elizabeth Hewitt

at the Institute of Living... every week.

We may be coming out of it now.

Meantime this Winter, from January 31st onwards...

I would make tapes in the car.

And I am now combining these tapes

in case we want to use them at a future date

or if Dr. Lenn would like to use them.

January 16th, 1968

I went down to Anne this afternoon.

and had a good time with her.

Chuck is at Franconia College.

I am disturbed.

He's not sure that...

he's finding things quite the way he thought they would be.

He hasn't had any written work to do, at least he didn't the first week.

He told me to stop mothering him.

Now, this brings up something which has worried me considerably.

Obviously, I'm jealous of my role as mother.

I wouldn't be a mother if I weren't.

But I am beginning to resent, very much indeed,

the psychologists and psychiatrics' idea...

of downgrading mothering.

This is what it seems to me they're doing.

Don't mother me. You don't know.

It's up to me to make my own decisions.

Now, I have given these kids all kinds of freedom all their lives,

and I am very resentful of this.

I think this is completely wrong.

The more I think of it,

the more I'd like to finish bringing up the two boys by myself.

I also talked to Colonel Tenfold

who was distressed to hear about Chuck.

He sent his warm regards, as did the Birch Society.

I got the shopping all fixed up and done.

Things shipped off to Morgan and Anne.

And my escort was a very charming...

blond lady who dances beautifully.

And the whole party went off extremely well.

And it was nice to be young again.

So goodnight, my Dear. I love you.

And he said...

that a lady interrupted him and said, Georgie...

If I were your wife, I would poison you.

And Sir George said...

Madam, if you were my wife, I think I would take it.

Subtitles by Gianni777