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1
00:00:01,787 --> 00:00:02,913
I'm not gonna lie.
2
00:00:02,988 --> 00:00:04,980
Dating long distance can stink.
3
00:00:05,058 --> 00:00:07,755
You don't have a boyfriend to
help you around the house...
4
00:00:10,722 --> 00:00:15,724
Ripped By mstoll
5
00:00:15,872 --> 00:00:18,808
...but at least modern technology
makes it easier to forget
6
00:00:18,876 --> 00:00:21,607
that he's an ocean away
in New York.
7
00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:24,582
But it doesn't help you forget
that every woman in Manhattan
8
00:00:24,651 --> 00:00:26,380
probably wants
to jump his bones.
9
00:00:27,321 --> 00:00:29,118
Hey. Hey, sugar, what's shakin'?
10
00:00:29,190 --> 00:00:31,659
Since we last spoke
an hour ago, not much.
11
00:00:31,727 --> 00:00:33,195
I gotta go see a patient.
12
00:00:33,263 --> 00:00:35,255
Well, be careful. Because
pregnant women are very strong
13
00:00:35,332 --> 00:00:36,799
and they're very horny.
14
00:00:36,867 --> 00:00:37,926
Did you get
the whistle I sent you?
15
00:00:38,036 --> 00:00:39,663
Yeah, I got it right here.
Hi. Hi.
16
00:00:39,738 --> 00:00:41,070
I need to hear it.
17
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:47,112
Great. Have a great day.
18
00:00:47,949 --> 00:00:49,679
Hey, babe.
Hey, sugar, what's shakin'?
19
00:00:49,752 --> 00:00:51,151
I can't really talk right now.
20
00:00:51,220 --> 00:00:52,381
I'm late for Terry at the gym.
21
00:00:52,455 --> 00:00:53,649
The gym?
22
00:00:53,723 --> 00:00:55,555
Who do you need
to go to the gym for?
23
00:00:55,626 --> 00:00:57,925
I, for one, am completely
letting myself slide.
24
00:00:57,996 --> 00:00:59,827
Even the Hispanic
guys have stopped catcalling me.
25
00:00:59,899 --> 00:01:02,629
Yeah, that's great, babe.
I really gotta go. Bye.
26
00:01:06,041 --> 00:01:07,668
Hey, babe.
Hey, sugar, what's shakin'?
27
00:01:07,742 --> 00:01:09,404
I'm just waiting
for a prescription.
28
00:01:09,478 --> 00:01:10,467
For what?
Gonorrhea medicine?
29
00:01:10,546 --> 00:01:12,276
What? No,
I don't have gonorrhea!
30
00:01:12,349 --> 00:01:13,611
If anything, I have
an ear infection
31
00:01:13,684 --> 00:01:15,209
from talking on
the phone all the time.
32
00:01:15,286 --> 00:01:16,754
Look, you
gotta stop worrying
33
00:01:16,822 --> 00:01:18,483
about these cougars
ripping me to shreds.
34
00:01:18,557 --> 00:01:19,889
I'm sorry, Danny.
35
00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:23,293
Just, I miss you so much and you
look so cute in that grey sweater.
36
00:01:23,364 --> 00:01:24,456
Thanks, babe.
That's really...
37
00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:26,893
Wait a minute.
How do you know I...
38
00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:29,995
Oh, my God. I've been compromised!
Mission aborted!
39
00:01:34,646 --> 00:01:35,670
Love you! Bye!
40
00:01:40,587 --> 00:01:42,112
Hey, babe.
Tell me everything.
41
00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:44,090
What's going on?
Did Morgan find his kite?
42
00:01:44,158 --> 00:01:45,786
Hey, did that bear claw guy
ask about me?
43
00:01:45,861 --> 00:01:47,090
He's not responding
to my e-mails.
44
00:01:47,163 --> 00:01:49,393
Sweetheart, you can't spend
your whole time in California
45
00:01:49,466 --> 00:01:50,764
talking to me on the phone.
46
00:01:50,835 --> 00:01:52,530
You're in a new place,
go experience it.
47
00:01:52,603 --> 00:01:53,901
Would you go to Las Vegas
48
00:01:53,972 --> 00:01:55,668
and not go visit
historic Lake Mead?
49
00:01:55,742 --> 00:01:57,107
It's Friday night, Min.
50
00:01:57,176 --> 00:01:59,077
Go out and have fun.
Me?
51
00:01:59,146 --> 00:02:00,909
The way I dress?
The way I flirt?
52
00:02:00,982 --> 00:02:02,176
I'm always asking for it.
53
00:02:02,250 --> 00:02:03,581
Wouldn't you rather
have me stay in?
54
00:02:03,651 --> 00:02:04,641
No. I trust you.
55
00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:06,312
But it's time to go out and
meet a friend.
56
00:02:06,823 --> 00:02:07,949
Hey.
Oh, sorry.
57
00:02:08,024 --> 00:02:09,013
I've gotta go.
58
00:02:09,092 --> 00:02:10,856
Wait, no, I have just... I
wanna ask one more thing...
59
00:02:12,698 --> 00:02:13,892
Are you kidding me?
Who would ruin
60
00:02:13,966 --> 00:02:15,229
a perfectly good muffin
61
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:16,666
by putting chocolate
chips in here?
62
00:02:16,736 --> 00:02:19,365
Whoo! Who's ready
to hang out tonight?
63
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,736
Tonight?
Three years ago,
64
00:02:20,809 --> 00:02:22,299
I asked you to hang out
and you were like,
65
00:02:22,377 --> 00:02:25,176
"Oh, I'm too busy.
Ask me again in 2015."
66
00:02:25,248 --> 00:02:26,944
That was three years ago
tonight,
67
00:02:27,017 --> 00:02:28,747
so me and you...
68
00:02:28,820 --> 00:02:30,412
I remember that conversation.
69
00:02:30,522 --> 00:02:31,581
I'm sorry, I can't tonight.
70
00:02:31,657 --> 00:02:33,682
Wait, you told Dr. Reed you
didn't have any plans tonight.
71
00:02:33,759 --> 00:02:35,352
Busted.
I wrote it in the notes.
72
00:02:35,429 --> 00:02:37,364
Your notes?
That wasn't a meeting.
73
00:02:37,432 --> 00:02:38,922
Notes for my memoir.
74
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:40,866
I owe Random House
a draft like, last week!
75
00:02:40,936 --> 00:02:41,994
You know what?
76
00:02:42,070 --> 00:02:43,368
I'll just do what I normally
do on Friday nights,
77
00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:45,466
I'll just sit on the stoop and
pretend I'm hanging out with you.
78
00:02:46,343 --> 00:02:48,312
You wanna take a muffin?
Thanks.
79
00:02:49,481 --> 00:02:50,470
Oh, the chips are the best part.
80
00:02:51,818 --> 00:02:54,720
Look, Morgan...
Come over tonight.
81
00:02:54,988 --> 00:02:56,046
Me and you will hang.
82
00:02:56,123 --> 00:02:58,854
Just a little bit,
just you. No dogs.
83
00:02:58,927 --> 00:03:01,226
Just, you know, dogs.
No dogs.
84
00:03:01,297 --> 00:03:03,528
Know dogs? Yeah, I know
like, a million dogs.
85
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,034
I'll see you at 7:30.
86
00:03:16,384 --> 00:03:17,476
Hello?
87
00:03:18,286 --> 00:03:19,845
Miss?
88
00:03:20,823 --> 00:03:21,848
Why don't you open the door
89
00:03:21,925 --> 00:03:23,654
and we can just have like,
a girl-to-girl chat?
90
00:03:24,729 --> 00:03:26,594
Dr. Gurgler?
Oh, great.
91
00:03:27,199 --> 00:03:28,188
It's you.
92
00:03:29,134 --> 00:03:31,160
Rob? What are you
doing in here?
93
00:03:31,238 --> 00:03:32,432
You know, I just moved in here.
94
00:03:32,507 --> 00:03:34,065
Uh, Barb and I
we're... We're finished.
95
00:03:34,141 --> 00:03:35,130
Yeah, after she cheated, yeah.
96
00:03:35,209 --> 00:03:36,268
There...
There's no going back.
97
00:03:36,345 --> 00:03:38,246
Good for you. I mean,
that's what she told me.
98
00:03:38,314 --> 00:03:40,043
Um, I'm still hopeful.
99
00:03:40,116 --> 00:03:42,642
What? She cheated and she
gets to keep the house
100
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,188
and you have to live
in grad student housing?
101
00:03:44,256 --> 00:03:46,919
Okay, look. We both... We both messed up.
Right?
102
00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:48,984
You know, my seasonal allergies,
they drove her to cheat.
103
00:03:49,061 --> 00:03:50,188
She was justified.
104
00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:52,290
This is sadder than sad.
105
00:03:52,367 --> 00:03:54,164
But maybe we can help
each other out.
106
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,132
I need to make a friend
107
00:03:56,372 --> 00:03:58,807
and I see some rope
in your closet that
108
00:03:58,875 --> 00:04:00,434
I'm really not crazy about.
109
00:04:00,511 --> 00:04:01,842
So why don't we forget
about all of this,
110
00:04:01,913 --> 00:04:03,575
let's go to San Francisco
111
00:04:03,649 --> 00:04:05,310
and let's go make a night of it.
112
00:04:06,185 --> 00:04:07,345
What, really?
Yeah.
113
00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:09,719
I mean, you wouldn't be
intimidated
114
00:04:09,790 --> 00:04:11,121
hanging out with a supervisor?
115
00:04:11,191 --> 00:04:14,287
Lucky for you, I have no sense
of professional boundaries.
116
00:04:14,931 --> 00:04:15,955
Oh!
117
00:04:16,032 --> 00:04:17,864
So let's put some
pants on, boss man.
118
00:04:17,935 --> 00:04:18,959
All right.
119
00:04:20,004 --> 00:04:21,335
I am so excited
120
00:04:21,406 --> 00:04:23,841
to hang out one-on-one with you.
Never happened.
121
00:04:23,909 --> 00:04:25,502
I even made a list
122
00:04:25,579 --> 00:04:27,012
of conversation topics.
123
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,276
London Olympics,
what did you think?
124
00:04:33,322 --> 00:04:34,847
That's weird, huh?
125
00:04:34,924 --> 00:04:36,916
Having a Summer Olympics
in a rainy locale
126
00:04:36,994 --> 00:04:38,325
is very strange...
No, no.
127
00:04:38,395 --> 00:04:39,829
...and I wrote a letter...
Jeremy's girlfriend
128
00:04:39,898 --> 00:04:41,263
just went into
Peter's apartment.
129
00:04:41,333 --> 00:04:43,427
This is huge.
This is huge!
130
00:04:44,838 --> 00:04:49,139
Do you think Dr. P
and Lauren are "frenching"?
131
00:04:49,210 --> 00:04:51,645
If it's out of the office,
it's none of our business.
132
00:04:51,714 --> 00:04:53,205
Did I hear Beverly's voice
come out of an Elmo
133
00:04:53,283 --> 00:04:54,580
in the middle of
Times Square? Maybe.
134
00:04:54,651 --> 00:04:56,142
But it's none of our business.
135
00:04:56,220 --> 00:04:59,349
No, you're right. You're right.
It's not our business.
136
00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:00,618
All right.
That's it.
137
00:05:04,164 --> 00:05:05,461
You know, I'm a huge
wall nerd, right?
138
00:05:05,532 --> 00:05:08,263
You are? Yeah. I love 'em.
I, I can't...
139
00:05:08,937 --> 00:05:10,132
I can't get enough of 'em.
140
00:05:10,206 --> 00:05:11,298
Yeah, I love 'em, too.
141
00:05:11,374 --> 00:05:14,208
Yeah, and this one
is really nice
142
00:05:15,145 --> 00:05:16,841
and not too thick...
143
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,955
I was hoping for an
authentic San Francisco
144
00:05:25,026 --> 00:05:26,756
trans bar experience.
145
00:05:26,828 --> 00:05:28,557
I guess I don't
need this anymore.
146
00:05:29,232 --> 00:05:30,358
This place is kind of awesome.
147
00:05:30,433 --> 00:05:31,924
Yeah. Oh, there's a table,
you wanna grab it?
148
00:05:32,002 --> 00:05:32,991
Yeah, let's get it.
149
00:05:33,070 --> 00:05:35,437
Isn't it so cool that
Danny trusts me enough
150
00:05:35,507 --> 00:05:37,031
to let me spend
the night out on the town?
151
00:05:37,108 --> 00:05:38,098
Yeah.
152
00:05:38,177 --> 00:05:39,508
You know, Barb and I
used to come here.
153
00:05:39,578 --> 00:05:42,207
This is the table where we decided
we didn't want to have kids.
154
00:05:42,282 --> 00:05:43,841
Well, she decided.
155
00:05:43,918 --> 00:05:45,112
Forget about Barb.
156
00:05:45,186 --> 00:05:47,052
Okay? We're out
in San Francisco,
157
00:05:47,122 --> 00:05:48,111
The Windy City!
158
00:05:48,190 --> 00:05:50,591
You could meet
the love of your life here.
159
00:05:50,660 --> 00:05:51,992
It is Sin City, after all.
160
00:05:52,063 --> 00:05:54,794
Yeah. No, you're right.
161
00:05:54,866 --> 00:05:56,629
You know, I used to be
quite the player
162
00:05:56,702 --> 00:05:58,398
before Barb tamed me.
Ooh.
163
00:05:58,471 --> 00:05:59,769
I find that very hard
to believe.
164
00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:02,503
Well, I once
dated a 49ers girl. Whoa.
165
00:06:02,577 --> 00:06:04,101
If we're counting their
H.R. Department.
166
00:06:04,679 --> 00:06:06,238
That's the spirit, yeah.
167
00:06:06,515 --> 00:06:07,880
Okay, I'm gonna
go get us drinks.
168
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:09,111
You order every appetizer.
169
00:06:09,186 --> 00:06:10,175
Okay.
170
00:06:12,590 --> 00:06:15,185
Oh. Bartender, I'd like
to order a drink?
171
00:06:16,061 --> 00:06:17,086
Excuse me?
172
00:06:17,163 --> 00:06:18,926
Okay. Don't make me
call you racist.
173
00:06:18,998 --> 00:06:20,660
Can I get your oldest
Japanese whiskey,
174
00:06:20,735 --> 00:06:22,533
- one cube?
- You got it.
175
00:06:23,438 --> 00:06:25,498
Oh, I see how it is.
176
00:06:25,575 --> 00:06:26,940
When the world's
most handsome man
177
00:06:27,009 --> 00:06:28,409
orders a cool sounding drink,
178
00:06:28,479 --> 00:06:29,707
he is served immediately.
179
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:31,840
But when the world's most
handsome woman wants a drink...
180
00:06:31,916 --> 00:06:33,145
Excuse me.
181
00:06:33,219 --> 00:06:34,311
Are you Mindy Lahiri?
182
00:06:35,321 --> 00:06:37,722
Yeah. Oh, no.
183
00:06:37,791 --> 00:06:39,316
Are you from
the student loan office?
184
00:06:39,393 --> 00:06:40,587
I knew this day would come.
185
00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:42,220
No, Mindy.
186
00:06:42,297 --> 00:06:44,027
It's me, Alex.
187
00:06:45,602 --> 00:06:48,128
I... I lost my
virginity to you.
188
00:06:50,108 --> 00:06:51,097
Whoa.
189
00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:55,044
Rob, I want you to meet
190
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:57,208
my old friend, Xander!
Hey.
191
00:06:57,284 --> 00:06:59,082
It's Alex these days.
Oh.
192
00:06:59,954 --> 00:07:02,150
Alex Eakin?
Wait, you know him?
193
00:07:02,224 --> 00:07:04,819
Alex Eakin is a tech legend.
194
00:07:04,895 --> 00:07:06,989
He's Wired magazine's
person of the year!
195
00:07:07,131 --> 00:07:08,655
Well,
I was last year.
196
00:07:08,733 --> 00:07:10,634
This year it's Girls Who Code.
197
00:07:11,838 --> 00:07:12,964
Wait, how do you know him?
198
00:07:13,039 --> 00:07:14,769
Xander, as I knew him,
199
00:07:14,842 --> 00:07:16,969
he and I shared
kind of a wild weekend
200
00:07:17,044 --> 00:07:18,637
back in college.
201
00:07:18,713 --> 00:07:21,012
Let me weave you a tale.
202
00:07:21,551 --> 00:07:22,849
Oh, appetizers are here!
203
00:07:24,655 --> 00:07:26,123
Mmm. Delicious!
204
00:07:26,491 --> 00:07:29,552
All right. Now, let me
weave you a tale.
205
00:07:29,628 --> 00:07:31,529
The year, 2004.
206
00:07:31,598 --> 00:07:35,057
America was still able to enjoy the
music of R. Kelly without guilt.
207
00:07:35,136 --> 00:07:38,504
There was something going on in
Iraq that I don't exactly remember.
208
00:07:38,574 --> 00:07:39,906
But most importantly,
209
00:07:39,976 --> 00:07:43,378
a 24-year-old Mindy Lahiri
had, brace yourself,
210
00:07:43,447 --> 00:07:44,607
yet to lose her virginity.
211
00:07:45,217 --> 00:07:46,809
Armed in boot-cut jeans,
212
00:07:46,885 --> 00:07:49,821
my cowl neck sweater and
prescription blue contact lenses,
213
00:07:49,889 --> 00:07:52,256
I headed back to college
to lose my "V" card.
214
00:07:52,693 --> 00:07:54,184
Who was my best prospect?
215
00:07:54,295 --> 00:07:56,230
White guys
who are into Asian stuff.
216
00:07:57,233 --> 00:07:59,828
And there I saw him,
Xander Eakin
217
00:07:59,903 --> 00:08:01,598
and his ponytail.
218
00:08:03,975 --> 00:08:05,136
Yeah, he'll do.
219
00:08:09,315 --> 00:08:11,216
Wow. Sex is cool.
220
00:08:11,285 --> 00:08:14,221
I mean, there's more ponytail hair
in my mouth than I thought, but...
221
00:08:14,289 --> 00:08:15,917
Arigato.
222
00:08:15,992 --> 00:08:17,152
Hey, let's keep hanging out.
223
00:08:17,226 --> 00:08:18,717
I wanna show you
this website I created
224
00:08:18,795 --> 00:08:20,524
to share Monty Python videos.
225
00:08:20,597 --> 00:08:22,088
I probably wouldn't use it,
226
00:08:22,166 --> 00:08:24,192
because while I love
Monty Python,
227
00:08:24,270 --> 00:08:25,703
I wouldn't want people
to know I watched it.
228
00:08:26,105 --> 00:08:28,301
Would you use it
if nobody knew it was you?
229
00:08:28,708 --> 00:08:31,269
Like, it was anonymous?
I guess so.
230
00:08:32,214 --> 00:08:33,203
Huh.
231
00:08:33,882 --> 00:08:36,283
I could make posting anonymous,
232
00:08:37,553 --> 00:08:39,283
scrub the user's
I.P. Address...
233
00:08:39,356 --> 00:08:40,380
Hmm.
234
00:08:40,457 --> 00:08:43,291
...make it so people had the
freedom to post anything they want
235
00:08:43,362 --> 00:08:44,386
Computer talk.
236
00:08:44,463 --> 00:08:45,862
Will I see you again?
237
00:08:45,932 --> 00:08:47,628
We could try the position
where I'm on top.
238
00:08:47,701 --> 00:08:49,932
Missionary? I'd rather die.
Hmm.
239
00:08:50,104 --> 00:08:51,936
This should just be
one magical night.
240
00:08:52,241 --> 00:08:55,006
If you're lonely, just say
my name and I'll be there.
241
00:08:56,212 --> 00:08:57,339
In your crank bank.
242
00:08:58,716 --> 00:09:00,241
And he was always there in mine.
243
00:09:00,319 --> 00:09:01,877
Wait, you were a virgin, too?
244
00:09:02,755 --> 00:09:04,279
But you gave me so many notes.
245
00:09:04,624 --> 00:09:06,718
Yeah. Well, you know,
medically I actually lost
246
00:09:06,794 --> 00:09:08,261
my virginity
in a trampoline accident,
247
00:09:08,396 --> 00:09:10,455
but that's an even longer
story for another day.
248
00:09:10,565 --> 00:09:12,557
You know, Mindy,
I have to thank you.
249
00:09:12,668 --> 00:09:15,763
You gave me the idea to let
users post anonymously.
250
00:09:15,839 --> 00:09:18,001
And that's what put
VideoDumpster on the map.
251
00:09:18,076 --> 00:09:19,635
Wait, you created VideoDumpster?
252
00:09:19,912 --> 00:09:22,313
That' s my favorite place to
get all my A-list wiener pics!
253
00:09:22,382 --> 00:09:23,906
Alex, I'm so glad
I ran into you.
254
00:09:24,884 --> 00:09:25,909
Really?
255
00:09:26,687 --> 00:09:29,156
Then why didn't you respond
to any of my e-mails?
256
00:09:29,958 --> 00:09:31,017
E-mails?
257
00:09:31,094 --> 00:09:32,186
Yeah, e-mails.
258
00:09:32,261 --> 00:09:33,752
Like the one I just sent
you asking you to please
259
00:09:33,831 --> 00:09:35,128
include me in the conversation.
260
00:09:40,139 --> 00:09:42,040
I can't believe
we're snooping on Peter.
261
00:09:42,109 --> 00:09:43,303
I'm not nosy.
262
00:09:43,377 --> 00:09:45,175
I don't even go to restaurants
with open kitchens.
263
00:09:45,246 --> 00:09:46,304
None of my business!
264
00:09:46,381 --> 00:09:47,849
Okay, you know what?
You're right.
265
00:09:47,916 --> 00:09:49,383
But if one of our
friends is cheating,
266
00:09:49,451 --> 00:09:50,783
it's our duty to figure it out.
267
00:09:50,854 --> 00:09:51,878
We don't know
if they're cheating.
268
00:09:51,955 --> 00:09:54,720
Maybe Peter and Lauren
are just friends.
269
00:09:54,792 --> 00:09:56,658
Okay, baby,
no more messing around.
270
00:09:56,728 --> 00:09:57,717
It's time to put it
in your mouth.
271
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:00,488
That's disgusting.
272
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:02,100
Come on, just try it.
273
00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:03,933
You liked it last time.
274
00:10:04,005 --> 00:10:05,802
Open wide.
That's it.
275
00:10:06,609 --> 00:10:07,633
First you didn't want it
276
00:10:07,710 --> 00:10:08,972
now you can't get enough of it!
277
00:10:09,045 --> 00:10:10,377
Num, num, num, num, num.
Oh, boy.
278
00:10:10,881 --> 00:10:13,407
Oh, here it is!
279
00:10:13,484 --> 00:10:14,975
From 2012!
280
00:10:15,054 --> 00:10:16,544
You sent it to
my old college account.
281
00:10:16,622 --> 00:10:18,591
Why didn't you answer it?
Well, I never got it.
282
00:10:19,059 --> 00:10:20,960
All my alumni e-mails
go to spam
283
00:10:21,028 --> 00:10:23,087
because they're always
asking me for money.
284
00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:25,133
Because one time I fell through
a stained glass window.
285
00:10:25,233 --> 00:10:26,792
Ah...
Mmm-hmm.
286
00:10:27,403 --> 00:10:29,167
Mindy, I know
it might seem silly,
287
00:10:29,239 --> 00:10:31,868
but I've never been able to
forget the night we shared.
288
00:10:32,010 --> 00:10:34,309
Goodbye, Xander. It
motivated me to buckle down
289
00:10:34,380 --> 00:10:36,177
and become the kind of
guy Mindy Lahiri
290
00:10:36,248 --> 00:10:37,910
would be proud
to call her boyfriend.
291
00:10:37,984 --> 00:10:39,315
Goodbye, Xander.
292
00:10:40,188 --> 00:10:43,317
Nowadays, women throw
themselves at me for my money.
293
00:10:43,392 --> 00:10:45,953
The sex is amazing,
but it's also exhausting.
294
00:10:46,029 --> 00:10:47,553
I want something real.
295
00:10:47,630 --> 00:10:49,121
I'm coming to
New York next week.
296
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:50,633
I know it's a long shot,
297
00:10:50,701 --> 00:10:52,897
but I'd be honored
if you'd be my date
298
00:10:53,004 --> 00:10:55,405
to People's Most Beautiful
Billionaires gala.
299
00:10:55,475 --> 00:10:58,070
It's me, Rupert Murdoch,
and the hottest bin Laden.
300
00:10:58,145 --> 00:11:00,706
I'll be waiting out in front
of my hotel until 7:45.
301
00:11:00,782 --> 00:11:01,806
All right, let's go.
302
00:11:01,883 --> 00:11:03,875
I would be proud
to have you as my date.
303
00:11:03,953 --> 00:11:05,285
Love, Xander.
304
00:11:05,589 --> 00:11:06,886
I ended up
having a three-way
305
00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:08,323
with a couple of underwear
models that night,
306
00:11:08,392 --> 00:11:10,121
but I imagined they were you,
307
00:11:10,328 --> 00:11:11,387
for some of it.
308
00:11:14,167 --> 00:11:15,293
Ooh, I gotta take this.
309
00:11:15,368 --> 00:11:18,304
Madame Tussauds screwed up
and my statue is only 6'3".
310
00:11:21,042 --> 00:11:22,305
Don't go anywhere.
311
00:11:24,414 --> 00:11:25,711
Wow!
312
00:11:25,782 --> 00:11:28,308
Without me, there'd basically
be no Internet right now.
313
00:11:28,386 --> 00:11:31,185
Yeah. Hey, you know what else
is interesting? Mmm-hmm.
314
00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:32,885
Since Alex has been here,
you haven't mentioned
315
00:11:32,959 --> 00:11:34,085
the love of your life once.
316
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:36,426
What are you talking about? I've
talked about spareribs like 10 times.
317
00:11:37,298 --> 00:11:38,561
Oh, Danny.
Yeah, Danny.
318
00:11:38,634 --> 00:11:40,431
Well, how is that supposed
to come up organically?
319
00:11:40,502 --> 00:11:43,131
"Oh, I love spare ribs. Oh, I
have a boyfriend named Danny."
320
00:11:43,239 --> 00:11:45,299
Maybe I'm just jaded about Barb.
Mmm-hmm.
321
00:11:46,010 --> 00:11:48,844
Hey, uh, you think I could look
at that e-mail Alex sent you?
322
00:11:49,248 --> 00:11:51,682
I just wanna remember what
romance sounds like. Sure.
323
00:11:58,093 --> 00:11:59,617
What did you just do?
324
00:11:59,695 --> 00:12:01,357
Oh, I just forwarded
the e-mail to Danny.
325
00:12:01,431 --> 00:12:03,195
But that's cool, right?
'Cause you and Alex
326
00:12:03,301 --> 00:12:04,393
are just "old friends."
327
00:12:04,468 --> 00:12:05,526
Why would you do that?
328
00:12:06,872 --> 00:12:08,237
You got Gurgled.
329
00:12:17,553 --> 00:12:18,918
What's up, Rice-A-Broni?
330
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:20,013
Oh, Peter. Thank God.
331
00:12:20,090 --> 00:12:21,387
I need you to go
into Danny's computer
332
00:12:21,458 --> 00:12:22,824
and I need you
to delete an e-mail.
333
00:12:22,894 --> 00:12:24,054
His password is either
334
00:12:24,128 --> 00:12:26,563
ThatStatenKid
or Vatican1 Forever.
335
00:12:26,632 --> 00:12:28,794
Did you take a bathroom selfie
and forget to flush again?
336
00:12:28,868 --> 00:12:30,199
That was one time! Okay.
337
00:12:30,270 --> 00:12:31,738
Don't read the e-mail.
It means nothing,
338
00:12:31,806 --> 00:12:33,501
it would just bother
Danny for no reason.
339
00:12:33,574 --> 00:12:34,564
Please, Peter.
340
00:12:35,844 --> 00:12:37,176
I just got the baby down.
341
00:12:37,247 --> 00:12:39,181
Henry will understand.
Please, I'm begging you.
342
00:12:40,017 --> 00:12:41,143
Fine.
Thank you.
343
00:12:41,252 --> 00:12:42,515
I love you. I love you.
344
00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:44,078
Okay, Morgan.
345
00:12:44,155 --> 00:12:45,248
Now, we don't know
all the facts,
346
00:12:45,324 --> 00:12:46,814
let's not jump to conclusions.
347
00:12:47,561 --> 00:12:49,426
Dr. Reed, it's Morgan.
I'm at Dr. C's house.
348
00:12:49,496 --> 00:12:51,158
There's a cheating scandal
that is gonna blow your mind.
349
00:12:51,232 --> 00:12:52,756
You are involved. What are you doing?
Hang up the phone.
350
00:12:52,834 --> 00:12:54,166
Ahh!
Are you crazy?
351
00:12:54,236 --> 00:12:55,362
I need my hands for crafts.
352
00:12:55,437 --> 00:12:56,735
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to grab...
353
00:12:58,976 --> 00:13:00,705
Yeah?
Hey, it's Peter.
354
00:13:01,847 --> 00:13:02,939
Peter who?
355
00:13:03,815 --> 00:13:05,147
I'm sorry. What?
356
00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:07,286
You hide. I'll answer the door.
Okay.
357
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:08,821
Wait, he knows I'm here.
Why should I hide?
358
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:09,914
We'll both hide.
No.
359
00:13:09,991 --> 00:13:11,720
We'll both answer.
Just relax. Coming.
360
00:13:12,795 --> 00:13:14,262
Hi, Pete. Hi.
Hey.
361
00:13:14,330 --> 00:13:16,128
Can I use your computer?
My Wi-Fi's out.
362
00:13:16,233 --> 00:13:17,291
That's fine.
363
00:13:17,968 --> 00:13:19,493
Yeah, it's fine.
Come on in.
364
00:13:19,570 --> 00:13:21,198
It's in the... It's right in the...
It's in the bedroom.
365
00:13:21,273 --> 00:13:22,262
Cool.
366
00:13:22,441 --> 00:13:23,567
It's... Yeah.
367
00:13:23,643 --> 00:13:25,474
What, uh...
What's with...
368
00:13:25,545 --> 00:13:26,706
Is that Lauren's baby?
369
00:13:26,781 --> 00:13:27,805
Shh. Yeah.
370
00:13:28,115 --> 00:13:30,107
Lauren had to work late.
371
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:31,709
I babysit sometimes.
372
00:13:32,322 --> 00:13:34,449
He was talking to the kid
the whole time!
373
00:13:34,524 --> 00:13:35,651
You
were right on this one.
374
00:13:35,726 --> 00:13:37,820
Thank you. You know what?
I always say that...
375
00:13:38,196 --> 00:13:39,322
Huh.
376
00:13:39,397 --> 00:13:40,387
What?
377
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,861
This is actually funny.
What?
378
00:13:43,136 --> 00:13:44,967
Dr. Reed...
Yeah?
379
00:13:45,038 --> 00:13:47,064
...he got my message.
380
00:13:47,175 --> 00:13:49,235
And he's gonna come here. When
you just called him right now.
381
00:13:49,311 --> 00:13:50,505
Yeah.
He's coming here.
382
00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:51,706
Yeah.
383
00:13:51,781 --> 00:13:53,544
He's gonna freak out.
Why did you...
384
00:13:53,616 --> 00:13:55,050
Ahh! Why did you leave
him the message?
385
00:13:55,453 --> 00:13:56,579
Shh! Quiet down!
386
00:13:56,654 --> 00:13:57,849
I told you
about my hands!
387
00:13:58,123 --> 00:13:59,682
I'm sorry.
Just relax. We're fine.
388
00:13:59,759 --> 00:14:00,748
Okay, sorry.
I'm sorry.
389
00:14:01,728 --> 00:14:03,094
What the hell's
he doing in there?
390
00:14:11,308 --> 00:14:13,071
I ran all the way
from the opera.
391
00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:15,271
Who's cheating?
Who's cheating?
392
00:14:15,713 --> 00:14:17,511
Oh, that. Uh...
Uh...
393
00:14:17,583 --> 00:14:19,176
That was just
something stupid,
394
00:14:19,252 --> 00:14:22,916
that we, we thought. We thought
maybe Lauren...
395
00:14:22,990 --> 00:14:24,480
I knew it! I knew it!
No, no. Not Lauren.
396
00:14:24,558 --> 00:14:26,550
Of course Lauren cheats on me!
397
00:14:26,628 --> 00:14:28,324
It's not my fault
her baby hates me.
398
00:14:28,431 --> 00:14:29,591
I can't make him eat.
399
00:14:29,665 --> 00:14:32,362
I can't make him sleep. I can't
make him not poop on me.
400
00:14:32,436 --> 00:14:33,904
You know, we have
nothing in common!
401
00:14:33,972 --> 00:14:35,941
Whenever we hang out, I'm like,
402
00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:38,238
"Is he being weird?
Or am I?"
403
00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:40,210
I mean, of course
she would cheat on me.
404
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,772
I'm just a pedantic foreigner
with a silly accent.
405
00:14:43,084 --> 00:14:45,553
No. What?
No. Who? What?
406
00:14:45,621 --> 00:14:47,590
That's crazy.
Are you crazy?
407
00:14:47,657 --> 00:14:48,646
No one would cheat on you.
408
00:14:48,725 --> 00:14:50,159
Look at you.
409
00:14:50,227 --> 00:14:53,561
The opera lover
with the velvet cool cape?
410
00:14:53,632 --> 00:14:54,758
Hold on.
411
00:14:54,833 --> 00:14:57,132
If Lauren's not cheating,
then who is the cheater?
412
00:14:57,804 --> 00:14:59,466
I think personally...
I... I...
413
00:14:59,540 --> 00:15:00,529
That Morgan is.
414
00:15:00,641 --> 00:15:01,768
Morgan?
415
00:15:01,843 --> 00:15:04,335
Yep. That doesn't
sound a lot like Morgan, does it?
416
00:15:04,413 --> 00:15:05,402
With whom?
417
00:15:06,917 --> 00:15:08,384
Dr. L.
Mindy?
418
00:15:08,452 --> 00:15:10,182
You see, he's cheating with...
Wait, what?
419
00:15:10,254 --> 00:15:11,243
Sorry.
420
00:15:11,857 --> 00:15:12,846
It's true.
421
00:15:12,925 --> 00:15:14,085
Danny, I'm sorry.
422
00:15:14,159 --> 00:15:16,720
Mindy had me come over here
and delete a skanky e-mail.
423
00:15:17,130 --> 00:15:18,860
I didn't read it.
I don't know why.
424
00:15:18,933 --> 00:15:20,925
But I can only assume that
this is what it was about.
425
00:15:23,139 --> 00:15:24,401
This is better than the opera.
426
00:15:32,918 --> 00:15:34,409
Sorry that took so long.
427
00:15:35,255 --> 00:15:36,381
What's wrong?
428
00:15:37,258 --> 00:15:38,282
Bitcoin for your thoughts?
429
00:15:39,193 --> 00:15:40,991
Penny, sorry.
Sometimes I forget.
430
00:15:42,866 --> 00:15:44,197
You know, I wish
I'd gotten that e-mail.
431
00:15:44,601 --> 00:15:46,297
We would've crushed that gala.
432
00:15:46,370 --> 00:15:47,359
They would have loved me,
433
00:15:47,438 --> 00:15:49,339
I have a billionaire's
sense of entitlement.
434
00:15:49,708 --> 00:15:51,199
And maybe we could've
435
00:15:51,811 --> 00:15:53,210
seen each other afterwards.
436
00:15:56,451 --> 00:15:57,611
Hey, this is really fun.
437
00:15:58,086 --> 00:15:59,452
Let's get out of here.
438
00:15:59,555 --> 00:16:01,682
Do you wanna go for a walk?
We can keep talking.
439
00:16:02,559 --> 00:16:04,527
Dude, I thought
I told you to leave!
440
00:16:04,595 --> 00:16:05,823
Okay. You can't
tell me to leave!
441
00:16:05,897 --> 00:16:07,023
You're not my wife!
442
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:09,860
Oh? You like that!
443
00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:10,993
Dance, monkey! Barbara!
Oh, my God.
444
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:12,093
Is that your friend?
445
00:16:13,374 --> 00:16:14,534
Oh, God. Oh, God.
This is all my fault.
446
00:16:14,608 --> 00:16:16,133
I should've just let him
kill himself in his room.
447
00:16:21,083 --> 00:16:22,415
No, no, no, no.
448
00:16:22,486 --> 00:16:24,387
Oh! Ooh!
Look at me, big man!
449
00:16:24,455 --> 00:16:25,444
Who's on top now, buddy?
450
00:16:26,658 --> 00:16:28,820
Oh, God.
451
00:16:36,104 --> 00:16:37,298
Everyone's safe.
452
00:16:39,208 --> 00:16:40,539
This man may be pitiful.
453
00:16:41,178 --> 00:16:43,841
He may be weak and angry.
454
00:16:44,583 --> 00:16:46,677
He's wearing an
extra-large tan polo.
455
00:16:47,853 --> 00:16:49,253
And everyone heard that fart.
456
00:16:50,824 --> 00:16:52,190
But you know who else
used to be a loser?
457
00:16:53,828 --> 00:16:55,524
Me.
458
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:56,929
But one day, many years ago,
459
00:16:56,999 --> 00:16:59,093
a cool, slightly older woman
460
00:16:59,336 --> 00:17:01,601
rocked my world sexually
461
00:17:01,939 --> 00:17:04,568
so I could rock
the world technologically.
462
00:17:06,779 --> 00:17:07,905
So, let's forgive him.
463
00:17:08,949 --> 00:17:11,042
Because who knows
what he may turn out to be.
464
00:17:12,721 --> 00:17:14,417
Probably nothing, he's like,
465
00:17:14,490 --> 00:17:15,650
in his 30s.
466
00:17:16,058 --> 00:17:17,321
But he's okay.
467
00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:20,760
Anyway. I'm buying
everyone's drinks.
468
00:17:22,301 --> 00:17:23,495
Hell, I'll buy the bar.
469
00:17:25,038 --> 00:17:26,300
Can I get, uh, four mojitos?
470
00:17:26,373 --> 00:17:28,001
No, you're drunk.
He'll have two.
471
00:17:28,075 --> 00:17:29,542
Okay, can I have two mojitos?
472
00:17:30,311 --> 00:17:32,041
Yeah, I feel terrible about this
473
00:17:32,114 --> 00:17:34,606
but Dr. L kept saying it was
the best sex she's ever had.
474
00:17:34,684 --> 00:17:35,742
It wasn't even that good for me.
475
00:17:35,818 --> 00:17:38,117
Betrayed by a friend.
476
00:17:39,691 --> 00:17:40,715
Oh, well.
477
00:17:40,892 --> 00:17:42,383
"Oh, well?"
That's it?
478
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:45,622
No, that's not it, Pete,
you're right.
479
00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:48,102
He cheated with my girlfriend.
480
00:17:48,903 --> 00:17:50,132
Okay, okay, okay.
481
00:17:50,205 --> 00:17:52,673
Time out.
Time out, everybody.
482
00:17:52,741 --> 00:17:53,800
He called me a friend.
483
00:17:53,877 --> 00:17:55,105
The man deserves
a thrashing and then some,
484
00:17:55,245 --> 00:17:56,873
but let's be adults.
Yeah, you're right.
485
00:17:56,947 --> 00:17:58,278
Okay? Look at Peter and I,
486
00:17:58,350 --> 00:17:59,578
we went through this.
487
00:17:59,651 --> 00:18:02,212
We forgave and forgot.
And now,
488
00:18:02,321 --> 00:18:04,415
he babysits my girlfriend's baby.
Yeah.
489
00:18:04,491 --> 00:18:06,391
He puts so much
into a relationship
490
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:07,951
he gets almost nothing out of.
491
00:18:08,329 --> 00:18:09,490
Well, thank you.
492
00:18:09,598 --> 00:18:11,065
No, we're... We're
good here, I think.
493
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:12,157
Puccini awaits.
494
00:18:12,235 --> 00:18:13,293
Scusi.
495
00:18:15,273 --> 00:18:17,673
You know, I think he's
being a little hyperbolic.
496
00:18:17,743 --> 00:18:19,574
- I get a ton out of this relationship.
- Yeah, I know.
497
00:18:20,112 --> 00:18:22,081
But I do gotta run, because I
gotta get this guy in the crib.
498
00:18:22,215 --> 00:18:23,513
Yeah. Go, go, go.
Yeah, yeah.
499
00:18:23,584 --> 00:18:25,074
Once again,
sorry about the spit up.
500
00:18:25,152 --> 00:18:26,245
Yeah.
Don't even...
501
00:18:26,321 --> 00:18:27,720
Wow. What a great
night, huh?
502
00:18:27,789 --> 00:18:28,848
Bye, Dr. P.
Bye-bye.
503
00:18:28,925 --> 00:18:30,688
Why would you tell him
you were cheating with Mindy?
504
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,160
Sorry, it just popped out!
505
00:18:32,229 --> 00:18:34,129
You also said I was
a cheater, for the record.
506
00:18:34,198 --> 00:18:36,360
And a lot of people
think Dr. L and I
507
00:18:36,434 --> 00:18:38,266
do have a very
palpable chemistry.
508
00:18:38,337 --> 00:18:39,599
No, they don't.
Well...
509
00:18:39,672 --> 00:18:41,106
I'll tell you
this much.
510
00:18:41,541 --> 00:18:43,134
Best birthday I ever had.
511
00:18:45,881 --> 00:18:47,508
So, do you want
to take that walk?
512
00:18:49,252 --> 00:18:50,241
Oh, man.
513
00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:54,153
Listen, Xander, if I had gotten
your e-mail when you sent it,
514
00:18:54,226 --> 00:18:56,126
man, my panties
would have exploded.
515
00:18:56,662 --> 00:18:57,890
But now...
516
00:18:58,965 --> 00:19:00,957
It just makes me
miss my boyfriend.
517
00:19:02,002 --> 00:19:03,402
Boyfriend? Oh.
518
00:19:03,838 --> 00:19:04,862
Okay.
519
00:19:05,107 --> 00:19:06,335
Well, it must be someone great.
520
00:19:06,408 --> 00:19:08,741
Is it Richard Branson?
The Dalai Lama?
521
00:19:08,879 --> 00:19:11,348
Okay, it's obviously not
either of those guys.
522
00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:14,810
He's just a local ethnic man
named Danny Castellano.
523
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,082
And he might not
have your money,
524
00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:19,684
or your height or your tolerance
for other cultures, actually.
525
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,125
But he makes me happy,
526
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:24,825
even when he's like, 100
miles away in New York City,
527
00:19:24,901 --> 00:19:26,334
the City of Brotherly Lights.
528
00:19:29,339 --> 00:19:30,932
What the hell?
Ow!
529
00:19:31,009 --> 00:19:32,135
That's my boyfriend.
530
00:19:32,210 --> 00:19:33,269
My boobs!
531
00:19:33,746 --> 00:19:36,910
God, why don't you pick
on boobs your own size!
532
00:19:36,983 --> 00:19:39,043
Are you really cheating on
me with this nerd, Alex?
533
00:19:39,353 --> 00:19:41,447
Is this because I fell
asleep during your TED talk?
534
00:19:41,557 --> 00:19:43,218
It was so boring!
It was 10 minutes!
535
00:19:43,292 --> 00:19:45,158
- They can be very tedious.
- Mindy.
536
00:19:45,228 --> 00:19:46,890
Uh, meet my girlfriend, Grace.
537
00:19:48,132 --> 00:19:49,691
Did I not say
girlfriend earlier?
538
00:19:49,768 --> 00:19:52,863
No, you didn't.
But I didn't either.
539
00:19:52,939 --> 00:19:54,270
But I did before you did.
540
00:19:54,340 --> 00:19:55,865
And I did him before you did.
541
00:19:56,109 --> 00:19:57,737
So, like, 12 years ago.
542
00:19:57,812 --> 00:19:59,643
I was like, 10 then.
Thanks.
543
00:19:59,714 --> 00:20:01,376
Okay. Well, I'm 10 now!
Like 10 jillion.
544
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:04,648
I am not 10 jillion! Hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
545
00:20:04,721 --> 00:20:06,747
That is my
only friend! Okay?
546
00:20:06,824 --> 00:20:07,950
Obviously.
547
00:20:08,025 --> 00:20:09,493
Ow!
548
00:20:09,561 --> 00:20:11,461
All right, okay.
You should go.
549
00:20:11,531 --> 00:20:13,829
She won the secret Hunger
Games we billionaires have.
550
00:20:14,067 --> 00:20:15,558
Oh, my God.
Okay. Okay.
551
00:20:15,636 --> 00:20:17,434
We shouldn't have done that.
552
00:20:17,772 --> 00:20:19,171
You'll always be in my bank!
553
00:20:21,510 --> 00:20:23,638
Peter, thank you
so much for babysitting.
554
00:20:23,714 --> 00:20:25,774
I'm gonna need you
again next Thursday.
555
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,181
Jeremy has a flute recital
556
00:20:27,252 --> 00:20:28,743
and I can't miss another one.
557
00:20:28,821 --> 00:20:30,345
Yeah, okay. No problem.
558
00:20:30,422 --> 00:20:32,084
Okay. Thank you.
You know what?
559
00:20:33,226 --> 00:20:34,353
It's a big problem.
560
00:20:36,765 --> 00:20:38,528
I don't wanna be your
babysitter anymore.
561
00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:40,057
What are you saying?
562
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,213
I did wish for a birthday kiss.
563
00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:53,951
I should have been specific.
564
00:20:56,292 --> 00:20:58,157
Hey, babe, you're calling late.
565
00:20:58,227 --> 00:20:59,627
Just wanted to say, "Hey,
sugar, what's shaking?"
566
00:20:59,696 --> 00:21:01,722
Hey. That's my line.
Oh, no.
567
00:21:01,799 --> 00:21:04,530
Does this mean it's caught
on with old people? Damn it.
568
00:21:04,603 --> 00:21:06,594
So, I was wondering.
Did you talk to Peter
569
00:21:06,672 --> 00:21:08,470
and tell him to delete
an e-mail to me?
570
00:21:10,277 --> 00:21:11,642
I did, I did.
571
00:21:11,712 --> 00:21:13,271
But it was just
a stupid e-mail
572
00:21:13,348 --> 00:21:14,975
from an ex-boyfriend.
I didn't want you to read it
573
00:21:15,050 --> 00:21:16,609
and get worried over nothing.
574
00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:19,953
No, come on. I'm not worried.
I trust you.
575
00:21:21,225 --> 00:21:22,351
I trust you.
576
00:21:22,427 --> 00:21:24,623
But only
about our relationship.
577
00:21:24,697 --> 00:21:27,428
I do not trust you not to eat
junk food for every meal.
578
00:21:27,634 --> 00:21:29,124
What are you eating now?
579
00:21:29,236 --> 00:21:30,260
Sounds like chips.
580
00:21:30,404 --> 00:21:32,066
Chill! These are krale chips!
581
00:21:32,474 --> 00:21:33,463
Krale isn't
a vegetable!
582
00:21:36,185 --> 00:21:44,188
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