All language subtitles for Przeswietlenie_1974_DVDRip_30NAMA

X-ray

It was a real blow...

It's been 3 years now but
I still can't get over it.

I try to take it with
a pinch of salt...

but only not to see things
so clearly.

I resent my fate.

It's handicapped us,
discarded us and made us inactive.

I don't want
to throw around empty metaphors

but it's as though
you're a theatre audience.

You can watch
but you can't take part yourself.

I'm a, how shall I say,

a social animal.

I like having people around me.

I want to know everything.

I'm one of those people
who will squeeze in everywhere.

I mean, I'm not a sly boots
or anything,

I just seem to get through
to people easily.

And this illness obviously rules
out certain things right from the word go.

Some people really brought it home
to me...

What got me down the most was
that it was the people...

the closest people, or at least
I'd thought of them as such.

If your lungs stop
you from doing your job,

and I'm a brass musician,

then you're forced to give it up
and come up with something else to do,

which is not so simple once
you hit 40.

It's a tad too late to look
for a profession.

When I'm in charge of
a construction site I know that,

right here, there's going
to be a building.

And, how shall I put it,
it's something that's there to stay,

and, you know,
you can't just rub it out.

You do some jobs

and there's nothing
there afterwards.

For instance,
when you're lucky with your programme

and it includes pieces that you like,
or love.

When they happen to be in your repertoire
you feel this strange pleasure when

you hear individual sections
of those pieces.

I guess,
I miss that more than anything.

So here I am. I miss it...

What can I say,
I'm practically a nobody here...

I'm dying to get onto
a building site.

That's where I am somebody...

Here I'm torn up by the roots.

I even loose my confidence.

I need to find myself something to do.
You deliberately come up with things.

I never used to do any craftwork,

and some time ago I just started
to do these tapestries.

There's over 3 thousand knots
on each one,

but I did them out of necessity,
to make the day go by.

When I came here,
I thought I'd found a perfect retreat.

Comfort, excellent conditions,
food served on time,

cleanliness, lots of sleep
and not a worry in the world.

After three months
I'd had it completely.

I'm going on leave today.

Sometimes I shop for silly bits
and bobs at my old shops.

I get peculiar pleasure out of joining
the queue, whereas in the past

I used to get annoyed at the sight
of few people in front of me.

You got used to
a certain lifestyle

over the years like
the daily shopping for bits and pieces.

Life used to be made up
of those little chores,

among other things.

And here at the spa
where everything is provided

you miss having
to face every day problems.

As far as I'm concerned,
I'm here for treatment,

but in reality someone's paying for me,
aren't they,

someone's working for me.

In that sense,
I mean it's not a waste,

but my time is useless.

At this moment
I am completely redundant.

Well, that's how I see it.
This is how I feel about it.

And that's the reason why I feel...
sad.

Sometimes I seriously wonder what's
going to happen to me in the future.

Because if I could stay...

but it doesn't look like
I'll be here much longer,

so I don't know.

When you sit down
and rationalize everything

you manage to order everything
in such a way that

you can find a way out
of every situation.

The worst thing
you could do though is go to bed

in an anxious state of mind
and start to think about it all.

The problems grow
to such proportions

that you think they're impossible
to overcome.

But that's not
a healthy way of being.

For me, Sunday's the worst day.

Maybe because you've got so much time
on your hands.

When it's sunny there's the club,
you can watch a film,

but that's not enough.

Especially when all the visitors
arrive looking all fit and cheerful.

Then they all go back to their homes
while you're stuck here.

That's why sometimes
I don't go to bed.

I'd like to go back
to being just like everyone else,

to go back to work,
you know,

maybe to have my family back.

All I miss, really, is my work.

Idleness tires me out.
Any kind of work would do...

of course one that
I could handle in my condition.

I'm not giving up, you know,

I've always managed
to get myself back on my feet.

I'll never stop hoping that
I'll get better.

I've decided that
I want to be healthy.

I've got my moments of despair but it
takes me virtually 10-20 minutes

to pull myself together.
I've got to make it.

Maybe that's why I've always come out
of these situations in one piece.

I kept on going for treatment calmly,
without any fear.

I never stopped believing that
I'd pull through.

Even in January and February
when the doctors lost hope.

And it was really bad then.

They wouldn't give me
a cat in hell's chance, as they say.

But I didn't once think that
it was the end.

If I get my health back nobody will be
able to tell me that

I'm not a fully-fledged person.