All language subtitles for Crooks.In.Cloisters.1964.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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Congratulations, superintendent.

I take it it was your idea
to switch the registered mail

to the other end of the train?

You take what you like.
But don't print it.

Of course not. Look, Super,
you've done a lot of cleaning up lately.

Who's left that's big enough
to pull off a jig like this?

Well, who do you think?

The only ones I can think of at
the moment is Little Walter and his crew.

You carry on guessing like that, Denvers,
and you'll wind up editor.

- Looks as though you were right, sir.
- I am right.

The Bond Street Jeweller,
the Post office, and now this.

If that mob think they're going
to carry on where the others left off

they're making a big mistake.

Come live with me

And be my love

And we will all the pleasures prove

That hills and valleys

Dale and field

And all the craggy mountains yield

That was smashing, Willy. Smashing!

- And if these pleasures may thee move...
- Oi, Bikini!

What?

Darts! I ain't got no darts!

Pity you don't get
yourself educated, like Willy the poet.

Come on. Cut the cackle!

That's the trouble with you, Walt.

You ain't educated.

You and Willy get yourselves educated.

Leave it for Little Walter
to pay for it, all right?

Go on, Willy.

And if these pleasures may thee move

Come live with me and be my love

Come on.

Come on! Get over it!

Come on! Faster!

Mind the suit, Mia! Faster!

Let's go and cop.

One half down to Squirts.

- There's a message for you, Squirts.
- Yeah, go on.

The top jolly says you're
to go to the warehouse...

- Urgent.
- Ugh!

Oh and he said something
about don't forget to take the plates.

- Oh!
- Here you are, Squirts. One half.

I feel really lucky tonight.
I could really knock them bandy tonight.

Still never mind. Get your finger out.
Come on, let's have it away.

Magnificent.

Now we will wine and dine
and I shall be the envy of all.

Come in.

Excuse me, my lady.

A message for Senor Lorenzo.

It appears he's wanted immediately at the...

gaff I think the gentleman said.

Thank you, Pemberton.

My lady.

I'm so sorry.

So am I.

But as they say in my country...

There is always mañana.

Oh, she look smashing, doesn't she?
I like the way she does that bit.

She's dead on, she is. I like the way
she moves around, don't you?

- Clancy's Bar.
- Oh, is Specs in the Club?

- Specs?
- That's right.

Hello, what's up now?

Sounds like the boss.

Oh, hello.

No, sir.

Superintendent.

No milk until further notice.

Weasels!

Cheers.

Hey, Squirts! How about...

This place is harder to get
into than that post office was last week.

Here, what is this? A case joint?

Get these scrubbers out of here.

- Here, what about her then?
- Out!

Oh... cheek!

Come on, come on.

Ah... Ah...

Trust him to spoil the evening.

That Mungo he should hang from the thumbs.

Never you mind, Specs.

You leave it to Little Walter.

I've got a big
programme laid out for you lot.

Mungo ain't going to make it easy
but I think if we play our cards right

we can continue in business.

But right now
we've got to get out of town.

If we could get to Malaga,
I have an old aunt there.

She could hide us.

Unless of course,
you've got a place laid on, Walt?

Walter told you not to worry, didn't he?

Course Walt's got a place.

What place have you got, Walt?

The right kind of place, Bikini.

So the net closes and the fish struggle.

- But the ocean is deep...
- Oh, he's off again.

Somewhere there's
a place where six little fishes

might disappear like a punters' good luck.

Do us a favour, Willy, will you?

And Little Walter's
found it for you, haven't you?

Where is it, Walter?

An island, down in Cornwall.

An island?

- What?
- We going to live on an island?

- I'm not.
- Yeah, yeah. Squirts.

- Did you bring Jack the Baker's plates?
- Yeah, I got them here.

Hey, what's all this
about an island, Walt?

Here, what's this? Your cosh?

No, that's me supper. Isn't it?

You're not going to get me on an island.

You're not going to get me
on an island neither. That I prom...

Cor!

Gee! Beautiful!

Ah, this is perfection.

We'll get a stack of mazuma out of these.

Yeah, Jack the Baker made a stack,

but he wasn't
round long enough to spend it.

Mungo moved in too fast for him.

Yeah, and a whole pile of that beautiful
snide rhino went under the match.

Never mind about the snide rhino.

What about this snide island?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Oh yeah, well I'll tell you about that.

I've invested some of you boys' money

in a nice place with full mod cons.

Somewhere off the coast of Cornwall.

Here we are.

On the sleepy island of St. Pancras,

bathed in summer sunshine

and only one hour from Land's End.

Well, that sounds all right.

Perhaps I can get
in a bit of fishing down there.

I could bring the golf sticks.

There must be
a golf course by the seashore.

- Fabulous!
- Yeah.

I could do some
of that old sunbathing, couldn't I?

Get myself stretched out
on the golden sands there

all covered in oil.

Soaking up that lovely sunshine,
all glistening...

Hey!

I wanna see you!

- Hey, what's she on about?
- Never mind about that.

Get the gear unpacked.

- Ah well, here we go.
- Funny though, ain't it?

Come on, give us a hand with these bags.

Hey, who put all this on top of my gear?

Oh, get out of it.

Here, what sort of a gaff is this?

You know there ain't a bathroom?
Not even a mirror?

Yeah, and d'you know
where the whats-a-name is?

It's stuck out there
on the edge of a cliff.

Now you gotta
stop worrying about things like that.

This gonna be a rough run.

Rougher than you think.

We almost gotta live
like the real monks did.

Yeah, Walt. You said
you was gonna look after me.

I am, Brother Specs.

Now that's another thing.

All this Walt stuff's
gotta be knocked on the head.

- All you layabouts are brothers now.
- Brothers?

There's a bogey over there
on the mainland with a nice shiny whistle,

all ready to blast.

He might be a bumpkin
but he's still a bogey

and he's gotta think we're real monks.

Same with all
the other schnorrers round here.

So we gotta work like monks.

Now, starting with you, Brother Bikini.

You're fixing the eats. You're cookie.

- Cookie!
- Cookie?

Me?

I couldn't make a pie
with tailormade pastry and tinned fruit.

I ain't never cooked nothing.

Nor ain't I neither,
and you're likely learn quicker than me.

You're cookie.

And in your spare time
you can do a bit of sweeping.

- Sweeping?
- And a bit of scrubbing.

Hah! Fine thing, isn't it?

I always said
you'd turn me into an old scrubber.

Poor old Bikini!

You've properly put
the block on her, didn't you?

Yeah!

And now I'm going to put the block on you.

I've got
a few little labours for you lot as well.

What are you doing down there, Willy?

What did you have
to sort me out this job for?

Great horrible grunting... grunters!

Clear off! Get out of it!

Ugh! Get out of it!

You ought to read 'em
a drop of the old Harry Longfellow.

That would a put the kybosh on 'em.

Oh. You ought to do something about that.

How're you getting on with the chickens?

I haven't been to see them yet.

Well, don't go upsetting them.

We don't want you
breaking any of their eggs.

The way Bikini
cooked them pilchards this morning,

we'll need all the eggs
we can lay our hands on.

Keep at it, son.

- Thank you...
- Keep at it.

...for nothing.

This is certainly not Spanish onion...

English.

Perseverance, Brother.

Blimey.

What?

Get on with your work!

Oh, come and do it yourself then.

Oh, dear. Just about fed up with this lot.

Just for wearing blinkers
he thinks I'm a bleeding horse.

Hello, Tosh.

What are you doing here, eh?

Eh? Oi!

Well, you hungry?

Here, what's the idea of leaving
you all tied up all like this, eh?

Now you can nip away and have
a nice chat with all you old chinas, eh?

Fancy leaving you here on you tod.

Diabolical liberty!

Oh! Morning, Squire.

Everything under control?

Oh ah, I be a-seeing
after your apples, sir.

And I be a-thinking as how we'll be having

a nice apple pie for supper tonight, sir.

- And I'll be thinking we won't.
- Eh?

That poor man's antelope
of yours has beaten you to it.

Oi! Tosh!

Put 'em back, will you? Put 'em back!

You... You skinny gutted
hungry-looking mongrel.

Look at that.

- I think it's ready, Brother Specs.
- You reckon it is?

Well, we'll soon find out.
Go ring the bell.

Right.

Keep moving.

Hey! What's going on?
Hey, put me down there!

Help! Walt!

- Eh?
- Walt!

They're pulling me up there!
Hey, stop ringing them bells.

Walter!

Help!

Boy, am I starving!

Ay, madre mia, the change
of the air make the appetite big.

I could eat a crocodile
stuffed with camel feathers.

Well, it looks as if we're going to.

Yeah, it is a bit grim, isn't it.

- How many, Brother Walt?
- Eh?

Well, I ain't doing
the Indian rope trick, am I?

No... Oh yeah...

I'll have a couple.

How many, Brother Squirts?

I'd go for zero if I was you.

Well, I'll chance a couple as well.

Hey, what are they?

Sausages. What d'you think they are?

Deformed scallops?

What you been doing? Torturing 'em?

Once I have a sister in a Madrid cafe
who served up a meal like this.

- And what happened to her?
- She had to take to the hills.

Did you hear that, did you?

Well, I'm stating
right here and now that this

pot watching lark is a right load of po.

Also, the cookie's job is now vacant.

Turn it in, Bikini...

Now look, I don't want
nobody upsetting Brother Bikini.

She's doing her best.

If any of you wanted anyone
to do some expert shoplifting

or work the diamond ring switch,
you'd be glad of her help, right?

And now she's learning the cooking game.

And I reckon her
sausage bolognaise is great.

- Succulent!
- You what?

I find them succulent!

No doubt in time,
the stomach will rehabilitate itself.

Hmph!

Well, in case you baboons
think this ain't no treat,

information in advance...

You're getting
cold pilchards for breakfast.

That horrible Mungo.
He's a creeping disease.

You're a lucky lot of chaps.

Your Uncle Walt's
done you proud on this caper.

One thing we have
got here is plenty of accommodation.

Now, come on.

You each have
a nice comfortable flop all to yourselves.

All private like.

Here we are.

Hey, Walt. This is a Peter.
It's just like the nick!

Yeah. Sort of homely like.

Do you mean
the real monks do bird all the time?

The monks do much bird, Brother Specs.

They live a life
of hardship and privation.

What's that then?

Are my peepers getting worser
or is that just a plank of wood?

Your peepers are serving
you very well, Brother Specs.

We shoulda given ourselves up to Mungo.

Five or six, seven years, we'd be free.
Would have been nice and easy.

These apartments, Brother Walt...

they're all the same?

Yeah. You don't have to fight
over them. You can take your pick.

Hey! Have you picked yours?

Well uh...

Bikini's fixing up the Head Boy's
office for us two, isn't she?

Charming.

Well, what with me having
to get up so early in the morning like

to get milking them cows.

I don't want to
waken you good brothers, do I?

Oh yes, you're going
to set yourself up all ritzy like.

While us load of old berks have to serve
our time out down here in the dungeon.

No. It ain't like that. It's like I said.

No, of course it ain't.

You're going to have it all smoochy,
all posh like, all carpets on the floor.

No, no! It's not like that.
You know that. You know me.

It's not me. It's Bikini.

Oh no, of course it ain't you!

Look. You know what women are like.

Well, we did Brother Walt.
But I visualise we'll soon have to forget.

Now look. Bikini won't stand for that.
Me down here and her up there.

Hey, just a minute.

We're gonna be celibate monks.
You're gonna be a celibate monk.

Ah boys, no... Come on.

When the poor have cried,
Caesar hath wept.

- Eh?
- Yeah?

Oh!

Caesar wept, did he?

- Oh!
- Walt, if you think you're gonna...

Alright, alright.
I'll have it in the dungeon.

- Bikini gets the office.
- Now that's better.

Brother Walt,
you've just become our Father Superior.

I have? Father Superior?

Ooh yeah... that's nice. I like that.

Father Superior, eh? Ooh!

Good morning, ladies. How's tricks?
What d'you know for a pound then?

Now girls, I'm gonna line you up straight.

Right from the start I want you to know

that I ain't too well up
in this milk getting lark.

So if you lot will be a bit cooperative

and squirt it out nice and easy

I'd be much obliged to you, won't I?

Here we go.

That's right, little lady.
Let's have a bit of music.

Now then,
let's have a nice drop of gold top.

Here, what's up?

What's the matter with you, eh?

Yeah, you, rough chops.

You naughty buttercup.

You're going to get old Walt in bad

if you don't come up
with a bit of that old juice.

I'll look the right Charlie
if I go back to them other fingers

and tell 'em
I ain't pulled it off, won't I?

I've gotta set an example.
I'm the Father Superior.

So listen here.
I'll tell you what, come here.

Now you just pretend
that I'm your old mate, eh?

Let's all be nice and friendly like, eh?

Shall we try it?
Let's have another bash at it then.

Good girl.

Here, Lorenzo,
how long we got to put up with this?

- Ugh, about a year I should imagine.
- What!

Unless something nice happens.
Like Mungo dying all of a sudden.

That Mungo, I... I hate him.

I hate the sight
of his face and the sight of his name.

If I never see him again,
it'll be too soon.

Hey.

What's that then?

Look, Brother Willy! Look what I got!

Oh! Milk.

Yeah! I got it from the cows.
I got it from the cows, I did.

- What is it, Brother Walt?
- Look, I've got milk!

So you have. That's nice.

- What's all the schemozzle about, Walt?
- What schemozzle?

There ain't no schemozzle.
I was just showing Brother Willy me milk.

That's a funny thing to be doing.

What's going on here? What's the matter?

- Look!
- So what? It's only milk.

Of course it's only milk.

What have you been doing then?
Opening a few tins.

Look, look. This is genuine milk.
There ain't nothing crooked about this.

I got this from two lady cows, I did.

But it's usual to get milk from the cows.

I have cousin near San Sebastian.
He does it all the time.

Oh, there's nothing to it, eh?

Wait till you start grappling
with them onions, Brother Lorenzo.

Then maybe you'll think
getting milk from a cow is a big deal.

Brothers! Brothers!

I think that anybody that can extract
milk from a cow at the first attempt

without even taking a course
of instruction on the subject

is deserving of nothing less
than a bounty of praise.

Yeah, he's right.

It looks to me like
Father Superior's pulled it off again.

I think I'll take it up
and show it Bikini.

I'll bet she'll be proud of me.

Yeah, I reckon she will.

Here, Bikini.
Have a look at this. See what I've got!

- What?
- You still in bed?

Is it late?

What time is it?

Eh?

Oh, I gotta get up.

Oh, there's no hurry.

Ooh, what's the matter with you?
You wasn't never like this before.

This is gonna be a rough run,
Brother Walt. Rougher than you thought.

Ooh nice, very nice.

Oh, it's a lovely old crop today.

Ooh good, look at that.

Ah, Brother Lorenzo. No onions?

Oh, he did bring in
an onion yesterday, Brother Walt.

Oh... so he did.

Big deal.

Please don't speak to me of onions.
All the time, onions.

I smell onions. I taste onions.
In my sleep, I see onions.

I'm becoming screwballs.

Look! Are these the fingers
of an artist? They are like onions!

They look alright to me. A bit knobbly
perhaps but a fair old set of porkers.

No! 'Tain't good,
Brother Walt. 'Tain't good.

Whoa! Hold everything!

Here comes Dan Archer
with his contribution.

Only three? Oh dear. Looks like I'll be
the only one eating breakfast again.

Gert you great big greedy melt.

Brother Walt! I've had it!

That big fat horrible piebald porker

has just pushed me
into the feeding trough again.

She's out to get me, that one.

You leave it to me.
I'll have a serious talk with her.

And them chickens, they're violent.
They come at me like wild things.

Now that I can fix for you.
I'm in with the head boy over there.

I'll put the big squeeze on.

What a right diabolical lot you are.

Three days out there in the farmyard

and all you can come up with
is a... a lot of lousy throw outs.

I keep on digging and digging,
Brother Walt. But I never find nothing.

If there is any taters in them thar hills,

it's gonna take a steam shovel
to find 'em.

I reckon you been sold
a pup here, Brother Boss.

I mean it ain't going concern, is it?

Apples up in the trees looks like
they ain't never going to fall down.

"Up in the trees"?
Course they're up in the trees.

Same as taters is down
in the ground and lettuces is...

well wherever lettuces is.

It's up to you lot
to sort them things out.

And you... Chaucer. Get among them chickens

and see if you can rattle
some eggs out of 'em.

- Hello, Walt?
- Yeah, speaking.

This is Ginzy.

Oh, hello, Ginzy. What's buzzing?

Everything's picking up...

Oh, good. Lovely. Nice.

Sounds like you're really going to town.

We had Wells and Peabody last night.

Wells and Peabody, eh?
Oh, they're not larking about, are they?

Listen, Ginzy.
Tell me who's running the Jelly mob now?

Dangerous Herbert's takin' over.

Oh, Dangerous Herbert.
Tell him we can handle

all the gear
he can lay his hands on down here.

Little Walter is in the market for loot.

Well, Little Walter's mob'll
soon change the shape of these.

Right, sharpish like.

Whack 'em round to Ginzy's place.
He'll see they get to Little Walter's.

Right.

Careful... careful.

Come along, me pretty little mackerels.

I'll just have a quick word
with the Father Superior

and then he'll let us have
a nice look round the place.

Would you mind very much
if we just stayed on the beach?

Course not. You go and enjoy yourselves.

But I'm leaving at one o'clock sharp.

Must get back before the pub shuts.

Come along, boys and girls.

Right. Come along, Mary.

Squirts, look at this.

Here, Lorenzo!

- What they doing now?
- What a right lot of little darlings.

Look at 'em.

And look at us. All cluttered
up in these rotten old cassocks.

Nearly there.

Look at her.
Look at that big lumpy one there.

- Which one?
- Where?

Oh, she'd do me, that one.
She's a bit like Fidgety Kate, ain't she?

- Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Shh! Quiet.

- Sssh!
- What's the matter with you?

Ah, the brunette.
Ah, the maiden with the lovely long limbs.

Long limbs, ah.

For just one moment with her, I would
crawl over 17 miles of broken bottles.

Yeah... and die with your boots on.

Come in.

Oh, dear me... No... oh... oh.

- What's happening?
- Hombre... mire.

- Here she goes. Watch this.
- Which one?

There's another one. Oh, over she goes.

Oh, blimey! Steady, Tosh. Don't go mad.

I'll go mad for you.

Well, that's unblocked your flue for you.

Well, you didn't have to sling
a whole tin of paraffin on, did you?

That was a right old blow out, wasn't it?

Yeah and you've
just blown out your dinner as well.

Well, why didn't you move it?

Well, I didn't know half
of Cornwall was stuck up there, did I?

Well, I think I'll go
and have a little rub down.

Any other job you want doing,
just give us a shout.

Oh, yeah...

And what do you want?

Fill the pail for the curly tail

and I away
to the sty will sail, pig swill.

Now, come one. Puff off, the pair of you.

And keep those other jokers out.
I want to clean up and have a bath.

- Do you need any help with that?
- Oh, get out of it.

Ah, that's it, Mary.

You wait over by the big door.

I think I know where I can find him.
He's probably in the garden.

Right. Come along, Mary.

Come along...

Here, what's your game?
What are you sneaking about after?

I... I'm Phineas Pendennis.
Where's the Father Superior?

Father Superior?
Oh, that's me. I'm the Father Superior.

You are?

Oh well.

I've just brought a party of trippers

from the mainland
to see over the monastery.

Oh no. None of that!

No visitors. No trippers. No fishing.
No trips around the lighthouse.

This is a monk's island. For monks.

But this is my living, Father...

Sorry, son. No visitors.

Monk's island, is it?

What about that piece
I saw pop out of the galley just now?

Piece? You must be dreaming?

You must be dreaming
if you think I'm dreaming.

Don't you tell me I don't know
a bit of plum duff when I see one.

What are you talking about, plum duff boy?

Please, sir. I've sailed the seven seas.

I've fought where the black flag flies.
I've been a pirate and a smuggler

and I took what I wanted
and that includes the local beauties.

- Oh, you're on old smuggler, eh?
- Yeah.

- You've done a bit of pirating, eh?
- Of course.

Well, perhaps I can give you
a job that's a bit better

than rowing a lot
of earwiggers across the pond.

You just hang on a bit, me old Phineas.

Let me get me smother on first.

Well, this won't do, will it?

He does seem to have gone a long time.

- Fellow's got himself lost.
- Yeah.

Perhaps, we'd better go inside
and try and find somebody.

Come along, Mary.

Come along.

I think we'd better try down here.
Come along, Mary.

You'll get your first lorry load
tomorrow morning.

You'll be laughing.

We'll all be laughing, eh?

Here we are then.

Here...

Where did you leave that team of yours?

Oh...

Outside by the big door.

Come on then.

They've gone.

If they're going where I think
they're going, we're in dead trouble.

Come along, Mary.

I think this is
what they call the refectory.

That must be the kitchen.
Bound to find someone there.

Come along, Mary.

Shut that door!

You mustn't open that door today.

Don't you know what today is?
Today is uh... St. Daniel's day.

A-And this is St. Daniel's room.
It goes back a long time. Long time.

It goes back to when St. Daniel here

heard that the good swineherd

had lost his last
and only pig with the dreaded palsy.

St. Daniel felt
a great sorrow for the poor man

and gathering
around him the frogs from the lake,

the fish from the sea,
and the birds from the sky.

St. Daniel said to him, "take them

and care for them
and shelter them in your barn."

This the good swineherd did

and next day to his amazement

and to the joy
of his wife and hungry children

behold the barn abounded
with young and healthy pigs.

And that's how St. Daniel saved the day.

- Isn't that so, Father?
- Oh yeah, yeah. Definitely.

He was one of the boys.

Well, that's very interesting.

Tell me. Who's that chappie over there?

Er, Father, perhaps you'd like
to tell our guests about that gent.

Oh, that one? Fred.

Yeah, he's one of the boys too.
It's him we've gotta thank for being here.

Oh, your benefactor?

Yeah, he's a right old benefactor.

Oh! What a shame! Tea break.

Union rules, all out!

Come back!

Come again.

Tata.

Tata.

They won't come back now.

Oh.

- Shut up!
- I'm fed up.

Come on, this way.

Heave to mate till
I see if the coast's clear.

- Shut the gate.
- Right.

What are you doing, Junie?

Scrubbing the floor
on a beautiful morning like this?

It ain't right.

But I always scrub it every Wednesday.

- Do you?
- Mmm.

Well, we'll have
to put a stop to that then.

Here.

Take this. Go in to Newquay
and get yourself a lovely new dress.

Seven and six?

Spend the lot, me little lobster.
Be extravagant.

Well, I don't know
what's come over you, Granddad.

But whatever it is, seven and six
isn't enough to buy me a new dress.

- Not enough?
- No.

What could you get one for then?

Two pounds.

Perhaps 30 shillings.

Oh...

Better make it 30 bob.

Never mind that, sweetheart.
Granddad will see to it for you...

Hurry along now.

You don't want to miss your bus.

Ooh... Oh no.

Well... are you sure you'll be alright then?

Yeah. Yeah. You run along.

- Okay, then.
- Have a lovely time.

Yes, and thank you, Granddad.

- Bye bye.
- Bye.

Look forward to seeing you
in your new dress.

- Thanks, Granddad, bye.
- Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Hey, miss! Young lady!

What do I do now?

Sit tight! I'll throw you a line!

- Oops...
- Alright?

Oh! Make your boat fast, Brother.
Or you'll lose that as well.

You all right, Brother?

Yes, thank you.

Thank you for your help.

Um... my name's Willy... erm Brother William.

It's nice to meet you.

You're one of the new Monks
from the island, aren't you?

Yeah, I nipped over
to buy a pair of gumboots.

I look after the pigs
and these are hardly the thing.

Oh, gumboots?

Oh that's all right, I'll take you to
Mr. Blackman's. I think he stocks them.

He seems to have everything anyway.

Now let's run me spy glass
over this little lot.

Don't sound like it's full of hymn books.

Blast!

The cunning conniving barnacles.

Tulip bulbs?

I bet they never flower.

Cor...

Stone the crows. It's just like Christmas.

They hurt a bit.

And they're a bit stiff too.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid these others
are thirty shillings dearer.

Thirty bob, that's noth...

That's an awful lot of money.

In that case...

I'll take the cheaper pair.

- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.

These.

Well, thank you for everything,
Miss Pendennis. You've been a great help.

I'll say goodbye for now but perhaps
I'll see you when I come again.

Well, goodbye once more and thanks.

I... I hope...

Oh... the oar.

Just a minute.

Well, I was wondering
how you came to lose that oar,

but I can quite understand it now.

I suppose you realise by this time

I'm not a great seafaring man.

Well, you can't be good at everything.

I expect you're
an absolute wizard with pigs.

Oh yeah. I'm very good with pigs.

Well, if you're not in too much of a hurry

maybe I could give you
a few hints about handling the boat.

It might make it easier
for you in the future.

On such a fair day
with such a fair teacher,

it would be truly unfair to refuse.

Ooh!

Oh that's it. Right now.

Keep your hands even.

That'll do.

You wouldn't have
a drop of something to lubricate

an old sailor's parched gizzard,
would you, Father?

I've got a tongue
like an aborigine's nightshirt.

Brother Specs, give him a snifter.

He ain't a bad old sort.

Thank you, Father.

Walt.

Give us you glass, pop.
I'll fill it up for you.

Say when.

Why you've got a bit of a thirst,
ain't you?

Now then Phineas,
you're sure no one saw you come across?

Nah, I used a little rowboat.
Quiet as a shadow in the night.

I came across the water
like a gannet after herring.

Good.

Now then, we're going to need you
to do this trip two or three times a week.

If you want
to keep the job, button your lip.

Rely on me.

Oh, if I might give you
a bit of advice, Father.

Yeah.

Get your bell ringing times right.

I don't know about all the others

but the pub in the village
opens on Vespers

and closes on Benediction.

Oh. Very adjacent.

Brother Specs, you're the bell boy.
Get a check on them bell ringing times.

You're thinking
along the right lines, Phineas.

Anyway,

if you notice
anything else dodgy on this set up,

just you come
and tell the old Father Superior.

Now then, me old barnacle.

I think it's high time
you and me had a nice little chat.

Don't drown yourself now.
Don't forget you're driving.

Granted...

Now then, them tulip bulbs ain't
the ordinary kind. They're very special...

If somebody nicked
one of them bulbs and tried to flog it,

he could get into a big bundle of trouble.

Just being caught
with one of them bulbs in his cottage,

an old fisherman could get
about 18 months in the nick.

Oh. Yes, sir.

They're very bad things, sir.

Yeah, here.

I reckon you deserve a couple
of extra quid a trip, danger money.

There you are.

Thank you, sir.

And if I happen to see any
of those tulip bulbs sort of

tumble out of me cottage,
I'll see you get it back.

That's right, Phineas.

Here, this'll see you across the drink.

Thank you, sir.
My regards to your good lady.

That's a good lad.

Ah!

Brother Specs.

- Hello.
- Benediction.

Doesn't the bell sound
beautiful over the water, Father?

Returning like this makes me realise
how much I've missed the sea.

Do you feel like this, Father?

I do, Brother Lucius.

It's hard to think that
we don't belong here anymore.

Hey, Walt!
Brother Walt! I just spotted them.

There's two geezers coming this way.
They'll be landing any minute.

- Is it the bogeys?
- No, monks!

- Monks?
- Yeah.

Quick, hop off and get Lorenzo.
He's our only hope.

At least he went to Sunday school
when he was a kid.

And then fetch
them hounds up to the office.

- Right.
- And Specs.

- What?
- Keep your trap shut.

- You know how bad you talk.
- Oh yeah...

Lorenzo!

Lorenzo!

Walt wants you. We're in trouble.

Put that down. Come one. Follow me.

A couple of the real monks turned up.

We don't know what
we're going to do about it.

Come on, you stupid goat.

Ow... ooh!

Oh!

'Tain't good, Brother Walt.
This is not what we wanted.

Things could really go wrong now.

Well, we've just
got to bluff it out, ain't we?

Play it by ear, Lorenzo.
You've got the spiel

so I'll leave it to you
to chat 'em and hope for the best.

Quick, give it here.

And let's hope
they don't stay for evening prayers.

Evening prayers?

Ooh, sh...

Cigar!

Saludos amigos.

Please do come in.

Good afternoon to you.

I hope we find you well?

I am Father Septimus.

And this is Brother Lucius.

Ah, that's nice. I'm Brother Lorenzo.

This is Father Walter.

It's very good of you
to come and see us like this.

Not at all. We thought
it was time we paid you a visit.

You see, we were here
on this island before you came.

Ah.

We are far away, inland at the Abbey now.

I think a part of me
remains here on this Island.

Well, it's great to see you, Father.
I'm glad you popped in.

What a pity you had
to scarper like you did

and leave your gear and everything behind.

Perhaps you would like
to take a little wine with us, Father?

To refresh you after that long journey.

Thank you.

I'm sure Brother Lucius,
like myself would be most grateful.

Ah, Brother Spectacles,

would you be so kind enough
as to bring us a little wine, please?

Yes, of course.

Wine? Where'll I get that from then?

The kitchen, señor, the kitchen.

The kitchen... Oh, the w-wine!

Oh, of course. Wine! Oh yeah...

Why don't you flop down
in the chair for a while, Father.

Take it off your feet a bit, eh?

You too, Brothel Lucius.

Quite a flip across the bay, ain't it?

Specially all the way
from that monastery of yours.

Hey, Bikini! Turn it off!

- What?
- Turn it off.

Oh, Specs...

- Two of the real monks have turned up.
- Real monks?

Yeah, Walt says I've got
to take a bottle of wine up the office.

- Yeah?
- Here, you'd better lay low.

They'd reckon we were
a real bunch of queer monks

if you put in an appearance.

You ain't kidding... real monks, eh?

Hey, the wine. What about the wine then?

- Wine?
- Yeah.

What wine?

- Here, we ain't got no wine.
- What?

Mm... we've got gin, scotch, brandy.
We've even got some beer

but we ain't got no wine.

Hey, what's this then?

- Sherry.
- Take that. That'll do.

Look, tell them we've run out of wine
but we've got loads of scotch and gin.

Righto. I'll take
the glasses with me as well.

Real monks!

No, thank you.

Oh, don't smoke, eh?

Yes, uh well uh...

I reckon you was all double choked
when you had to leave the island, eh?

Choked?

Yes, a good word.

Yes, we were, as you say, choked.

You see we had such great plans.

Ultimately, we intended
to cultivate the whole island.

We ain't got no wine, Brother Lorenzo.

But if you fancy a drop of gut rot...

- We've got scotch and gin and brandy.
- Yes, I'm sure it will be quite suitable.

A most willing member
of our small brotherhood, Father.

But quite incapable
of carrying out the smallest of orders

without making
some dreadful hoo-ha or other.

Yeah, he's a right nutter.

Oh, he's usually
in charge of the taters and greens.

I reckon you could call him
one of them fallers by the wayside

you was talking about.

A little for you, Father.

No, no. It always gives me
a nasty pain in me Darby Kelly.

I think I'll just
have a little drop of Gippo.

What exactly is
the cause of your failure, Father?

Um, is perhaps
the land not yielding enough

or was it the inclemency
of the weather in the winter months?

Good luck, boys.

Good health.

No, God blessed us with fruitful soil.

And the winter weather,
although sometimes a little wild,

caused us no great anxiety.

No, it was the lack of money
that finally defeated us.

However, productive the soil,
we could not grow banknotes.

No?

I think perhaps
you were using the wrong fertilizer.

But I understand. It's a great pity.

What a shame.
Ain't it a shame, Brother Lorenzo?

And you tried to do
your best for them layabouts as well.

It will take time.

But we will not fail
with help such as yours.

Us, Father?

The reason for our visit is to thank you.

The splendid amount
you gave us for the island.

Meant that we did not, after all,
lose everything In our venture.

Oh, that's all right, Father Septimus.
It was a bargain.

Anyhow we needed
a gaff like this. You see we...

Sí, sí, we too have a venture on hand.

Oh?

I should be interested to hear about it.

Ah. Well, uh...

Would you like to partake
of another glass of wine, Father?

Before I speak to you of our intentions.

You don't think it's a tumble then, Specs?

These two jokers
are over here taking sights?

No, they seemed kind of friendly to me.

Yeah?
Well I've heard about friendly coppers.

But they don't stay friendly
once they know you're bent.

Could be these snoops
are over here on a suss

and then they'll go back
and put the bubble in.

Could be. Only I arranged 'em
like they were straight.

Not straight like us, of course,

but straight like
straight-up monks might be straight.

I trust you've had
a pleasant afternoon, Father.

Most entertaining.

And so encouraging to hear
of all your hopes and plans.

Oh yes, we're stacked
right up with hopes and plans.

And quite rightly so.

But I feel I must warn you
and your good Brother Lorenzo.

That the growing
of ground nuts would be very unwise

and even impractical.

Quod semper respice tempus.

So to speak.

Oh, definitely. I think
you're probably right there, Father.

Yes, I think we'll blow them out
and stick with the old oysters and pearls.

The old oysters and pearls.

Yes, we certainly never exploited
that source of revenue.

Perhaps that's where we went wrong.

We mustn't miss our train, Father.

Ah, yes. You must not miss your train.

Tempus fugit, so to speak.

In that case, we must make our farewells.

I hope we may be allowed to visit
you again. Before the winter sets in.

Ah, yes. That's nice.

Course, anytime. It's a pleasure.

Thank you
for your hospitality, Father Walter.

And may I say I hope
you succeed where we failed.

Oh, that's very nice of you. Thanks a lot.

Good journey to you, Father Septimus.

Adios, Brother Lucius.

Goodbye. We shall pray for you.

Goodbye.

And may God be with you, my son.

They're going to pray for us, Lorenzo.

Yes, I know.

And us up to the capers that we are.

Ah!

Ah!

Aah!

Brother Willy was right.
They're a lot of desperadoes in there.

Ah!

Here!

Got a bit of bacon knocking about?

No... you said no knives in no pigs.

Oh yeah.

Look, uh... whack that in a pan
with a slice of fried bread, will you?

Didn't you enjoy your supper then?

Eh? Oh yeah. Yeah, it was very nice.

Doesn't look as though you did.

Well I can't eat all that...

stew, wasn't it?

You know me. I'm a steak
and chips man with a rub of the garlic.

I wish I could cook
you something nice, Walt.

'Tain't much fun
seeing it come back like it does.

You'll soon learn, me little lollipop.

That smells great!

Oh, anyone can fry an egg,
but you can't live on that all the time.

How about a few pairs of Jack the Rippers
or a couple of choice floaters then?

No, I want to cook you something nice.

Well, you've been
too busy tickling up them furs,

you've never had a chance to learn.

How about me buying
you a nice cookery book.

Do you think I could pick it up?

Course you could.

What about all that nonsense
with them dud cheques?

You soon picked
up the forgery business, didn't you?

Yeah.

Yeah I did, didn't I!

Perhaps I could, Walt.

It'll be a doddle.
Yeah, that's what we'll do.

We'll buy you a real nice
cookery book first thing in the morning.

Good morning.

Ah, I know what you've come for, Brother.

You do?

- The Catholic Herald.
- Eh?

I got six back numbers here for you.

Oh! Oh, good. Thank you.

I was wondering
when you was going to come in for 'em.

Yeah.

We've been very busy you know,
because it's, uh, all go being a monk.

Of course, he don't make
things any easier, do you, eh?

Oh, look at that.
D'you know he loves this?

Do him good, that will. Here you are.

What I really come about
was a nice cookery book.

Cookery? l got the very thing for you.

Good.

There you are then.

The secrets of baking and broiling

or Pie making with Felicity Todd?

That is the one definitely.

Cause with the stuff we've been having,
I could eat a pie made by Sweeney Todd.

Sweeney Todd, you know what I mean?

- Here, can you change one of these?
- Oh, I guess so.

Eh, good. There you are.

Don't forget the liquorice
he had and I'll have one as well.

Oh. Hello.

Hello.

Er, you brought the oar back then?

The oar?

Oh, yes! The oar.
Well, I thought you might need it.

I suppose you know
everything about gardening?

All the other brothers did.

Well, no. Well, no.
Not exactly everything.

Oh, I forgot.
You only know all about pigs.

Yeah.

That's funny now you come to mention it.

Old Bertha, that's our big sow,
she's been very bad-tempered lately.

She never did like me very much
but now I can't go nowhere near her.

Oh, that's strange.

Oh, my Aunt Kitty
once had a pig like that too.

Would you like me to come over
and have a look at her for you?

Would you?

Oh, that'd be marvellous.

Oh, no, you'd better not. No.

Well, I'd like you to,
but it's the Father Superior,

he's very strict.

Oh.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Morning.

Gorgeous Geoff, let's see where he is.

Here!

Here, Gorgeous Geoff's
running Saturday, Tosh.

Hey! Didn't tell you
I got a Greyhound, did I?

Runs at the White City, he does.

Very fair form in Ireland, he had.
Reckon he could win a couple races here.

Look at that! Second last time out 29-57.

Not a bad time, is it?

Here, know what we need?

You in trap three, him in trap four,

let him break just in front of you.
As he comes out, the old horns.

Woo! Ow... ow! Ooh!

Bound to do it, ain't he? Couldn't fail.

Yeah, I reckon he could really do this
when he was running into form.

I must get a bet on.

Must be somewhere in this village.
Where's Willy got to?

You hang on. I shan't be a minute.

Hello, hello, it's all happening again.

You great, long,
slimy, hairy-headed nosh bag!

Look, six copies of The Catholic Herald.
You couldn't eat one of these, could you?

You had to go
and nosh my lovely Sporting Life.

I got a good mind to stick one
on your chops, you horny-looking...

Ah! Thank you er... er...

for the loan of the oar, Miss Pendennis.

Oh, I expect you'll need this too.

You going to do a bit of rowing, are you?

Are we ready to depart, Brother Squirts?

Oh, yes, Brother Willy. We're quite ready.

Tata, Miss. See you later.

Come on, Tosh. Home we go.

Come on, me old goat then.

Ooh! You ain't putting on weight, Tosh...

Oh, please.
You'll like it when you get in.

Oh.

Tata... see you soon.

How they turning out, Brother Squirts?

The Bank of England is like
to pay 4 pounds 19 and 6 for these.

Ooh! That good, are they?

You're joking, aren't you?

Here you are. Anyone you like.

Lovely.

- You can almost smell the mint.
- Yeah.

What's the matter with him?

He had a load of liquorice this morning.

Didn't half give him some stick, honestly.

Upset all his organs, it has.

Well, keep bashing 'em out.

Remember, we only get
one real one for every two of these.

Yes, all right.

How about that one then, Brother Lorenzo?

Ah... magnificent.

Truly a diamond.

This might be the one I'm looking for.

A good one, eh? No mockers.

Ah, no mockers
in these stones, Brother Walt.

A blue-white Brazilian.

It's perfect.

Ooh that's got a lot of sparkle.
That must be worth a few bob.

Six carats.

Well, all grist to the mill.

All right, son?

Yeah, grand, ain't it?

Lovely. Keep at it.

How you are for stock, Brother Bikini?

Oh, not too bad.
I've got enough for two or three days yet.

That's all right. There's a load
on ice waiting to be shipped down.

Is that the finished article?

Almost. They've all been Koshered.
Nobody'd ever recognise them now.

That's good, 'cause Ginzy's
setting up a mannequin parade.

That way we'll be able
to knock 'em off at tip-top prices

and cut out them crooked fences. The...

bloodsuckers.

Ooh. Here, have a look at this one.

This is the one I fancy, Brother Walt.

Yean... I fancy that.

- I reckon it's myxomatosis.
- Eh?

Yeah, I read about that once.

It's horrible.
They all curl up and all die in the end.

No, with that they go all skinny.
This one, she's gone all fat.

Besides, only rabbits get that.

Well, the way her old snout's twitching,

I shouldn't be surprised
if it ain't foot and mouth disease.

You'd better come out of it, Tosh.

We don't want you to fall in
for a dose of that lot.

I fear the worst.

It's ptomaine poisoning.
This they catch from bad food.

'Tain't good.

What d'you give her
for breakfast, Brother Willy?

All them pilchards that was left over.

Ugh!

Well, that's it then.

If you ate a cotchel of Bikini's pilchards

you'd have ptomaine poisoning.

Look out, ditto. Here, she comes.

Here, Brother Bikini.

Brother Walt
reckons it's ptomaine poisoning

on account of eating your pilchards.

Oh, he does, does he?

Ow!

I reckon she's gonna help you, Will.

Ooh!

I reckon somebody's
about to become a father.

Oh... ooh!

Brother Willy, you're the pig-minder.

Looks like you're gonna
have to be the midwife as well.

Oh, no! No, I... I can't do that.

Well, I've never been married or nothing.

Yeah, but you've been
to Blackpool though, ain't you?

No... no, 'tain't good.

I have a sister
who married a farmer in Castile.

They have the piggies. But the mamma pig,

she never gives birth
when the man is present.

Always, you must have the lady.

Yeah.

No! I didn't wanna be cook
and I ain't gonna become a nurse.

So you can send
for your sister who married a farmer

and who lives in a castle...
and that's that!

No, Bikini! Don't mess about!

Bikini, you're the only who can do it.

Bikini! Bikini!

- Here, what's this turned up? A skirt?
- Hello.

Oh!

Oh yeah. That's all right.
That's the one I told you about.

That's Phineas's granddaughter.

You never told us she was like this.

- She's good.
- Yes, she's very fair, ain't she, eh?

- Yes, very fair.
- That's what I said, didn't I?

Here, look!
Don't let her know what's wrong.

I'll go and have a little chat with her.

Yeah, I would if I was you
before little old Specs gets in there.

- Hallo.
- Hallo.

Oh.

That's the Father Superior.

Your medical supplies
from Granddad, Father.

Oh yeah, thank you.

Is it Bertha?

Yeah... it's very serious.

You know what's the matter?

Yeah.

And you want me to look after her?

- Oh yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

What about your monastic duties?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Come on, Brother Specs. Come on, you lot.

Let's get back to our monastic duties.

Ah, Walt, I wanted to watch it.

Here, I think this calls
for little celebration, lads.

Pitter patter of tiny trotters.

- Lovely, thank you.
- Let's have a light.

Blimey! The Montez diamonds!

Hurry, lads. Oi, come on.

Hold on, hold on. I'll give it a light.

Don't inhale. 'Tain't good, that.

Let's give you a hand with it.
It'll stunt your growth, that will.

What are you talking about?
Get out of it, you.

It's all right now, Brother Willy.

Well, I...

I'd better be going.

Granddad will wonder where I've got to.

Oh, yes.

80, 85, 90, 95, a ton, right?

Oi!

Oi! Now listen,
that's a hundred pounds to win.

Gorgeous Geoff. White City.
Saturday night. You got it?

Right, Brother Squirts. I got it.

Good boy.

Here.

Here, listen, Phineas.
Don't make any mistake, will you?

'Cause that'll come to a lot of money.

Now leave it to me,
Brother Squirts. I'll get it on for you.

Don't forget, not a word to anybody.

This is just between you
and me and little Tosh here, right?

Ah, tight as a fish's gear box.

And that's watertight.

Yes, fine.
See you later. Come on, come on, you.

Cor, stone the crows!
A hundred quid to win.

Better have five bob on this myself.

That's a hundred pounds
and five shillings to win.

You're having a go, Phineas.

It's information.

I know the owner.

Oh, it's too big for me.
I'll put it through to Newquay.

I suppose you'll
be getting commission on that then?

Just a crust.

I think this calls
for you buying me a pint of rough.

We ain't open yet.

Oh... alright then. Only drink it up quick.

Hey, wait a minute!

Shilling in the pound?
That's several crusts.

Better make that a large whisky.

Ah, lovely.

Tosh!

Tosh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Right, finished?

Good boy. Come on.

Come on.

Come on, bed time.

Come on.

Come on, lovely.

And if you get me
up again in the middle of the night

I'm going to report you
to the Father Superior.

Did you hear what I said?

Come on then, you great-horned monster...

Get in here.

Right, come on and no snoring. Understand?

Good boy, good boy, good boy.

Go away.

It's all right, Bikini.
It's only me, Little Walter.

I know it is. Go away.

No, straight up. Word of honour.

I've brought you a present.

Oh, leave off, Walt.
I want to go to sleep.

You'll like this. It's lovely.

Come on, Bikini. Be a sport.

Look at that!

I reckon that's the best pie
I've ever seen in the whole of my life.

I bet it don't half taste good an all.

A right drop of gear, isn't it? Yeah!

It has the smell of the pie that is real.

Oh, you couldn't eat blackberry
and apple pie after that big breakfast.

- Couldn't we?
- Wanna bet?

We could force ourselves, dear lady.

A little bit for Tosh.
He's dying for a bit here.

Can't get any on the island,
d'you know what I mean?

Here, oh, oh!

Get out of it, you.
He's got his horns in a terrible place.

What's this then? The breadline?

Just 'cause you can't work outside

don't mean to say
you don't have to work inside.

What about diving down the crypt

and getting the wheels
of industry turning?

- Come on.
- A bit for Tosh.

You too.

- Lovely.
- Come on.

Where's my bit of pie then?

I always thought you were a steak
and chips man with a rub of the garlic.

Come on! Whack us a piece of pie.

Where's Willy?
It's a wonder he ain't smelt the cooking.

I expect he's still
out feeding his animals.

Well, when he comes in, send him down.

Lorenzo's got enough on his plate
and that boy's got a lot to learn yet.

Here you are, din-din.

Come on, grub up!

Lovely day.

I'm not surprised you don't feel so good.

If you keep going out
in the rain to feed that menagerie

you're going to feel a whole lot worse.

A whole lot worse.

Look at you, you're soaking wet.

What do you do over there?
Tell 'em little bedtime stories?

- Here you are.
- Thanks.

Hold on, I gotta couple
of tablets in here for you.

Thanks.

Here. Take these.

If you don't be careful
you're going to go down with the flu.

I think I'll have a little lie down.

Looks like all our lovely
home grown veg is gonna be washed away.

The wind's playing marbles
out there with the brussels sprouts.

What's that?

Eggnog.

Oh, is that for me?

Cor, that don't half get your back up.

Here, give us a kiss,
you luscious lump of monkhood.

Oh, get out of it.

This ain't for you.
It's for Brother Willy.

For Willy? Eggnog?

What's going on here?

He ain't well. He's gone to bed.

That ain't like Willy, is it?

No, I'm worried, Walt.

I think you ought to get through
to the mainland and get a quack out here.

Can't do that. The blower's off.
The lines blew down in the storm.

Look, I think I'd better go
and see how he's shaping.

Yeah, he'll like that.

Tell him I'll be down
with his eggnog in a minute.

Right.

Look at that lot. Come on, lively now.

Come on,
get your skates on, me old Bikini.

- Look at that spread here.
- Smashing, isn't it?

Here you are, Tosh. Come on, eat it up.

Here you are, brothers. Get stuck in.

But we want you to serve it up.

You'll have to wait a minute, I've gotta
take this down to Brother Willy.

I think he's caught the flu.

Oh dear. Fancy that.

Poor old Brother Willy
getting the "stoodle-oo".

- Yeah.
- Ay, 'tain't good that.

I have an uncle in Sevilla
once who got this "stool-dee-do".

Yeah, what happened to him?

Nothing.

- He died.
- He died.

Yeah, ain't it grand.

Oh, he don't look none too good, Walt.

No.

Don't he look hot? What do you make of it?

I don't know.

I mean if he'd a been stabbed
or sliced with a razor I'd know what to do

but these sort of things
you pass over to the doc.

Here, what was in the black bag
that old man's granddaughter brought over?

That looked like a doctor's bag.

Yeah, I wish it had have been now.

That was the Montez diamonds.

Well, how are you then, Willy boy?

He's very dodgy.

Hmm. He does look a bit rough.

Let me see.

Ay, he's got very much fever.

I think it is good
we bathe his head in some cool water.

I'll get it.

What d'you make of it, Lorenzo?

He is very sick... Could be pneumonia.

Poor old Willy.

You're joking!

Cor, rotten, ain't it?

He's probably been ill for several days.

This may be the crisis.

If so, the few next hours could decide it.

D'you mean
to say Willy might be saying tata?

It's possible.

And him with all that
lovely poetry inside him.

There must be something we can do.

A few M&B tablets or one single injection...

work miracles.

Without them,
we can only hope for the miracle.

Well, I could row the boat
across the mainland, couldn't I?

- I'll come with you, eh?
- Come on then. Let's have it away.

In this sea, you'd never get across.

Well, we could try, couldn't we?

Even if you did make it,

probably be too late.

That's a nice thing, ain't it?

D'you mean
we just got to wait here until he...

Don't say that.

There must be something.

There's only
one person who can help Willy now.

You'll keep an eye on him,
won't you, Lorenzo?

Well...

I'm Little Walter.

And I ain't any too sure
how I'm gonna put this to you.

I won't tell you
what sort of a feller I am

'cause I reckon you know that already.

Also you'll know,

I ain't done too much
of this sort of thing.

I come about young Willy.

He's out there
on his peter and can't make it himself.

Willy ain't a bad feller.

He ain't never done any real bad villainy.

H-He's only our lookout man

and sometimes he does a bit of driving.

You couldn't take him on a job proper.
He wouldn't know what it was all about.

He sort of... fancies himself
as a bit of a... poet.

I've known him a long time now.

Ever since he was
a nipper nicking poetry books

off of stalls in Petticoat Lane.

He never had any real people.

Not to speak of.

So, um, I more or less took charge of him.

Everybody thinks the world of him,
don't they? All the hounds...

Even the bogeys.

I reckon you'd like him
as well if you knew him like we do.

Now, it looks as if...

If he may drifting on just 'cause
we ain't got a few old tablets.

So I come to you.

I reckon that's all.

So do your best, will you?

He's a good Willy.

He... He says if you don't soon
send him down something to eat

he's going to come
up here and cook it himself.

Whee!

You great, steaming, short-sighted nitwit!

- It's Willy...
- Where you going?

It's Willy, he's alright.

- Willy's what?
- I'm going to tell the boys.

- He's alright?
- Yeah!

He's alright!

Where is he?

Cor, what a right
old Charlie you turned out to be, eh?

Well, well, well, you had us all fooled.

I thought we was gonna have
an extra share to split up.

You don't think I'd've left you
with those kinds of worries, do you, Walt?

How you feeling, Willy boy?

Fine... Thanks to you lot.

No, it's Brother Lorenzo
and Bikini you got to thank for that.

They did the lion's share.

Course that...

That old shamrock might have had
a bit to do with it, that old monk.

He said a bit of him
remains here on the island.

Here is the results of race number five...

First... number six... Gorgeous Geoff,

owned by Squirts McGinty.

Pity old Squirts disappeared like he did.

That's four on the trot now his dog's won.

Good job for me he did disappear.

I've lost a fortune on it as it is.

Some lunatic in Newquay keeps sticking
a hundred quid on it every time it runs.

D'you know up to now
it's cost me over 1,300 nicker.

- What's that?
- Thirteen hundred nicker.

Did you say someone in Newquay?

Yeah, why?

Can you spare a minute?

Come and have a drink.

Alright. Take over Charlie, will you?

What's the matter, Brother Walt?

Ain't you gonna finish your Bomb Surprise?

Me what?

You duff! Ain't it nice?

- It was marvellous, wasn't it lads?
- Marvellous!

It's a new recipe.

Ten out of ten for that.

Here you are, have a drop
of brandy in the coffee.

Here you are, Tosh.

- Here, Willy.
- Thank you, Brother Specs.

- Brandy, Brother?
- Yeah. Good.

Well!

Now that we're all here
I'd better tell you the good news.

Good news?

The sentence is up

with full remission for good behaviour.

Eh?

Back to civilisation.

Do you mean...
do you mean we're gonna float off?

Lovely old London. The bright lights.

Parties and excitement.
The old razzamatazz.

Well, I don't fancy that, Brother Walt.

I'd liable crack up under all that.

Nah, I can't leave.

Besides, I got a whole field
of curly greens coming up out there,

they need me.

No, we mustn't leave now, Walt.

I'll miss the best of my rhubarb.

'Tain't good.

Any day I shall be presenting
our delightful cook

with a genuine Spanish onion.

Is that right?

Oh, that's great.

Now I'll be able to have a go
at that potage flamboyant.

Oh, that's marvellous.

What's the matter with you lot?
You all gone punchy or something?

I had to stick shooters
up your back to get you here.

All of a sudden this is the place to be.

And what's all
this malarkey about curly greens

and the best of the rhubarb?

With the vegetables we're taking back
we'll be able to live in the plush places.

But Walt, I've got some very
good friends down in the pigsty.

Bertha and her little porkers...

Not to mention them down
at the chicken run.

Yeah... and what about my cooking?

If you want to cook,
I'll get you a job in Luigi's caff.

Your wages'll buy me cigars.

Listen you!

I wanna cook
the kind of fodder I wanna cook.

I want me own pots and pans... me own stove.

I want my own kitchen!

Get on her.

She never knew that chips was made
from taters till she read that book on it.

You mean I gotta go back
and start dodging the traffic again?

I feel safe out here.

You know what Oxford Street's like
at Christmas Time.

I'm liable get done up in style.

When Christmas comes, you'll be loaded.
You'll be able to go anywhere you like.

Monte Carlo, Cannes, Biarritz... the lot!

But we want to stay here, Brother Walt.

Me? I'm the specialist once again.

The salad king.

The hands have come
to terms with the spade.

The muscles have grown big with labour.

The mind is at peace.

He's right, you know, Walt?

It sorta gets you, don't it.

It sorta got me.

I sorta like all this jazz.
I'm definitely for staying on here, Walt.

Well, I say it's time to go.

This letter arrived on the first boat
that got through from the mainland.

It's from the real monks.

They want to pay us another visit.
And that would put the tin hat on it.

Next thing they'll be wanting us
to play 'em at cricket or something.

You can't live a life
of "dodgement" forever.

If we'd come down here as farmers

maybe we could have stayed,
but it wouldn't have been safe.

'Cause we was monks, we pulled it off.

I like being a monk. It's all right.

It's good for me nerves.

I don't have to grab for me hat
every time there's a knock at the door.

Do you think
I'm gonna find it easy to leave?

You think I ain't got no chinas down here?

What about my girls over the cowshed?

They've grown
to like their old Uncle Walt.

You know the trouble with you lot?

You're forgetting
that you're a band of hard nuts.

A team of villains.

You went out on thieving
instead of going to work.

You stole what you want.

You had high jinks, cut capers,
and a right old time, but work?

You didn't want to know about that.

Well now, the twisters are twisted.

You want to work out here and can't.

You're crooked.

You're bent.

You ain't welcome.

Yeah, they don't want to know us, do they?

We'll have to start
hiding again, that's all.

Sí, sí... 'tain't good.

Oh, it ain't as bad as all that.

Ginzy's found us a drum in Ealing.

Very remote and secluded.

We wait there till he settles
all the deals and then we split up.

I reckon with nearly 30 grand apiece.

Yeah, I think you're right, really, Walt.

All the same I'd like to have known
the name of them new apples I'm growing.

How much did you get? 300 apiece?

Good going, Ginzy!

Well, that just leaves the last few bits

and we'll bring them down with us.

Right.

Oh, uh... Get a few bottles
of scotch in for the boys

and we'll see you tomorrow night.

Tata.

Now then...

Are they looking
after you all right, Hornblower?

Yes, sir.

Well... it's all over.

You've been a good lad
so here's a little bonus for you.

Cor... thank you, sir.

Will you not be coming
this way again, sir?

Somehow I don't think so.

But if we do, you're our lad.

Been a pleasure to be of service, sir...

Well, uh, there's just one more thing.

What would you say to your pretty
little granddaughter marrying our Willy?

My little lobster marrying
into one of your crowd?

Gordon Bennett and stone the crows.

I'll go down
with the ship before that happens.

I'm not standing no crooks in my family.

- Leave off.
- Right, bang him away in Willy's cell.

- Come on then.
- What are you doing?

I'll have the law on you!

I'll see the Bishop!
I'll call the coast guards!

The Lord Lieutenant'll hear about this.

Now you'll look
after him for me, won't you?

- Yes, Father.
- Good girl.

Ah, here he is! Going fishing, eh?

Well, make sure
you don't let this one get away.

Now mind how you go
in that galleon of yours, Willy.

Tata then. Tata, Willy.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Father.

Tata. Look after her!

Can't get these in the trunk,
me old lovely.

You'll have to wear 'em.

Me old lovely! You snake in the grass.

What's all this about then?

I'll tell you what it's all about!

It's about a little ceremony that
up to now you've very conveniently forgot.

You must think I just got
off the boat or something.

Well, I'm beginning
to see through you, Walter Doddy.

You make no mistakes about it!

As soon as we get out of here

and you grow some
proper hair on your bonce

you're going to marry me,
you Father Superior you.

- I am?
- You am... I mean, you are.

I'm fed up with being one of the mob.

You've had me dangling
on a string long enough.

Alright.

Pull your darts out and tea-for-one.

I'm telling you straight.

Alright, alright. If you say so.
But don't do a Sarah Bernhart on me.

Alright.

Alright?

Oh... Well then... Alright.

What are you lot laughing at?

Well, it won't be too bad.

She can make a nice cup of tea anyway.

Never mind, Walt.
Happens to the best of us, don't it?

Especially when you get to your age.

That's right.

So don't come round knocking
on our door with a safe you want opening.

From now on he's gonna be respectable.

Ain't you, Walt?

Yeah.

Hey, which way to the pub?

Eh?

The Ship.

Oh, up there and on the right.

Come on then. Don't hang about.

Get all this lot on the boat.

I only phoned
a few bets through to Newquay.

Now there's no law against that, is there?

No law against taking bets in boozers?

I didn't say I took any bets.

You trying to kid me

that you had a 100-pound bet on a dog?

At the White City, in London?

A bottle-opener?
In a nasty little place like this?

Well, Superintendent.

Oh, you do yourself a big favour, chummy.

You tell Mungo all about it.

I just put on a few bets
for Phineas, that's all.

Phineas? Don't give me no Phineas!

Oh. No, no, he's a fisherman.

Well, where will I find him?
Now, immediately!

Well, if he's not in his cottage,
maybe he'll be over on the island.

He's does a bit of fetching
and carrying for the new monks.

Monks? New monks? What monks?

They're coming, Father.

They're not wearing the habit.

I thought they might not be.

Do you know why
Father Walter wanted us to meet him here?

No, Brother Lucius.

He simply said
it would be to our advantage.

May I extend greetings to you?

Look Father, I ain't got time
to stand here and jabber.

This is for you and the boys.

The best of luck
and look after yourselves.

Here, cop this, son.

What we gonna do now, Walt?

Nothing, Specs.

We ain't got nowhere to go.

Would you mind, Father?

Thank you.

The deeds of the island.

Father Walter has given
everything back to the Order.