All language subtitles for elviras_movie_macabre_the_werewolf_of_washington_2010_-_shout_tv

Hello, darlings. It's me, the number one
candidate for special elections,

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. And you
know how I've been looking for ways to

pocket a few extra bucks lately?

Well, it finally dawned on me, mainly
because I usually go to sleep at dawn,

that the wealthiest people in America
are the politicians.

I mean, all you've got to do is tickle a
lobbyist every now and then, and

kablam, you get a big old endorsement.

Endorsement, that's politician for
money.

So here's me throwing my ring into the
hat.

See? Ring. Ha.

I'm publicly announcing my candidacy.
Now I'm officially in the running.

I wish I knew what I was running for.

Lord knows I know what I'm running from.

But I figured they usually have two
boobs in office anyway, so why not mine?

At this point in my career, it's time
that I stand on a platform, since I'm

usually lying down on one. But that's a
whole other story, one that I'm sure my

opponent will drag out and use against
me.

Well, if he thinks I'm going to be
intimidated by a little mudslinger, he

know who he dealing with, do he? Why, I
have made my career rolling around in

the mud. And a little red meat never
hurt anyone.

Well, except vegans.

So, if you couldn't tell, tonight's
movie also has a bit of a political bent

it. Kind of like what we've heard about
that former president.

It's The Werewolf of Washington. As in D
.C., you see.

It stars the legendary Dean Stockwell as
the Speaker of the House.

And let me tell you, when this guy gets
into a debate, the fur really flies.

Really, there's fur.

Boy, this movie is almost as fun to
watch as C -SPAN, except with a lot less

and violence.

So, sit back, you little constituent,
and prepare to pull your lever as we

for the werewolf of Washington on Movie
Macaw.

happen in America.

That it could happen now.

That it could ever happen to me.

Jack Whittier is my name.

Maybe you remember my byline.

I was the youngest member of the
Washington Press Corps.

Its fastest rising star.

One of the best and brightest, as we
used to say.

Before so much blood passed under those
pretty Potomac bridges.

I was... having an affair with the
president's daughter, and I wanted out.

Without hurting her feelings or,
frankly, my career.

So I had my paper reassigned me to our
bureau in Budapest.

Somehow, the president heard...

i was banished for being too pro
-administration and he offered me a job

i couldn't refuse

which is where the

terrible events that were to destroy my
career and my life begin

it's silver i found it in a

little shop

I didn't think there were such things
left.

What's it for?

You mean you don't know?

Honest to God, Giselle, I'll have you in
Washington within six weeks. I'll get

you a visa.

I'll get you a job.

I don't want a job.

A job with who?

The FBI?

Stop it, Giselle. Now, will you come on?

Hey, fella.

What do you think you're doing? You
trying to get somebody killed? You ran

right into the tree.

What are you doing? I'm just standing
here right in the middle of the road.

Will you say something? What's the
matter? Can't you speak English?

Giselle, will you get back in the car?
I've got to make it to the airport.

I'm sorry, sir.

I just, I lost my temper.

But my car won't start and I have to
catch a plane. It's very important.

Do you know, is there a gas station
around or someone that could help me?

It won't stop.

Hey, mister!

I really need help!

How do you say help?

Shaggy!

Shaggy? Scooby?

Why, if it weren't for you meddling
kids.

Now, please, the only reason I'm asking
you is because my car crashed because of

him. Now, could you just give me a
little help, please?

I'm dying to hear this one.

We can't leave, got that?

I told you my car is stuck.

Listen. It's because of him. It's all
his fault.

What are you afraid of? You don't have
to go anywhere.

Just wait for when he hears it, Al.
Leave the headlights on, okay?

There,

there. Over there? Yes, over there. All
right, fine. Is it far?

Yes, it is far. How far?

Not too much. Oh, good. I can walk. No,
not tonight.

Come in. Do you know what time the
departure schedule of the train is?

Moon.

Moon. Come in.

Not tonight.

Come in.

I'm in a hurry. Come in.

What are you afraid of?

She's out.

And so it must have been a wolf.

He could find no corpse.

Oh, come on.

I killed a man and I killed him with
this thing.

You said it was an accident, my boy. It
was an accident.

But are you going to just take my word
for it? Aren't you going to detain me?

The inspector has offered us his car and
the driver.

What's going on here? This country is
crawling with... Bureaucrats? Where are

they? Why aren't they here questioning
us?

Jack, they are willing to let go of us.
Let's go.

What are you trying to cover up?

Is the White House behind this? What
house?

The White House.

It's easy.

You don't even know what are you saying.

What did she say?

She says you are feverish because of the
bomb.

I'm afraid I must ask you to leave the
area at once.

I tell you again, no one has been
reported missing. No corpse has been

If you continue to make a nuisance of
yourself, I shall have you lock it up.

How come you speak English?

Huh?

That was your son that I killed, wasn't
it?

Yes,

that was her son.

And you don't even care that I killed
him?

She says you didn't kill him. You
released

him.

He needed to die.

Long to rest.

Because of the communists? Secret
police?

The dark.

The pentagram.

Because of the sign of the pentagram.

Ah, the pentagon is behind all of this.

The pentagram.

The mark of the beast.

Beast. Oh, that's just a bunch of
insanity.

Whoever is bitten by a werewolf and
leaves becomes a

werewolf himself.

Ah, bull.

Find out who she's working for.

The wolf bit you, didn't he?

Yes, dammit.

Jeez,

if we couldn't give him a necklace, at
least make sure it fits.

And remember, a werewolf can only be
killed with a silver bullet or a stick

with a silver handle.

I'll see you guys next time.

Jack? The president wants to see you.

He's in my bedroom. Senator Bond does
not represent the people of Maryland.

Hello there, Mr.

President. You know, I was just telling
the Attorney General here, that Senator

Bond, oh, he makes me so sick.

I just can't stand it. This is country.

I'm sure your husband doesn't even feel
that strongly about it. Thank you, Mr.

President. Jack, you see the kind of
problems we have here?

Judge, I want you to meet Jack Whittier,
the new assistant press secretary. How

do you do?

Mrs. Captree.

Oh, is he the Jewish young man that you
hired to muggle me?

I'm afraid they couldn't find him.

Well, you look smart.

I'm going to excuse myself now. You
sleep tight now, Mr. President.

Oh, Marian.

Hello, Jack.

My, that Marian's such a lovely girl.

Did the Washington Times really send you
to Siberia? And the truth to them, Mr.

Whittier? It was hungry.

What?

I'm good. Come on, Margie. I think it's
time we left for home. Oh, no, Elliot,

honey. Well, why don't you run along
like you always do?

I'm sure this nice young man will see me
home, won't you, honey?

Ah, Washington.

A sex scandal just waiting to happen.

Sounds like I'll fit right in.

My God.

This country coming to.

Ah, you've seen one stimulus package,
you've seen them all.

Careful, Jack. That old broad with the
yellow choppers is setting you up to be

stain on our little black dress.

We'll be right back with more Werewolf
of Washington on Movie Macabre right

after this.

Hello, darling. It's me, that favorite
femme fatale of the Founding Fathers,

Elvira, Patriot of the Dart.

And as we're watching this American
masterpiece of democratic filmmaking, I

decided I needed a campaign promise or
two to help me win my district.

And if I would have known they wouldn't
district, I wouldn't have tried to get

away with it.

I am determined to promise a thing or
two in turn to all you faithful voters

helped me get to the Capitol.

And speaking of interns, I'm now
accepting applications for bright, eager

men who are looking to rally behind me.

Behind the cause, I mean.

I think your father's a cross between
you. Abraham Lincoln and Jesus Christ.

I'm engaged to be married, Jack.

To the psychiatrist guy?

Mrs. Captry, any time you're ready. Oh,
I'm starting to look more for the road.

You know, any time you have people
marching in the streets, you're just

to a revolution.

You know what my husband says?

Well, my husband says many times that he
actually prefers some of the Russian

communists to get the liberal columnists
in this country.

The matter was my hand.

Oh, yes.

Oh, my goodness, my land, Jack.

You're just some terrible fool, aren't
you?

Marilyn and I are leaving. I thought I'd
come over and say good evening to you.

Come on.

Why don't you come in and talk to me
sometime, Jack?

We'll have a talk.

All right, sure.

Now, where were we?

Where were we?

We were saying something about the...

I watched the damn thing myself. They
didn't even have a station break.

And this prejudiced...

critic as the commentator they put on
right after the president's address

capturing.

Well, I have the network's word. They're
going to bury this guy someplace.

What do you mean?

Give him an axe. Drop it.

You're kidding.

No. The president is fed up with this
guy's facial expressions and gestures.

We've got some friends there.

It's the other networks I'm worried
about.

Not this fine station, right? They're
going to read tomorrow night.

We are going to war against the
networks,

Jack.

We're going to win back the minds and
hearts of the American people.

And we have got to have Captree on that
court to win the fight or we're in

trouble.

Hell, you understand.

Hey, look, Jack, there's a line in there
of trouble with something about the

views of a small group. How does small
strike you? That's a little soft.

What would you call your compatriots of
the press if you wanted to be a little

more flashy?

Let's see.

Well, at their worst, a coterie of
impudent snobs.

No, I mean really, I just... That's
good.

Oh, that's great.

We'll use it.

You're kidding.

No, it's just what we want.

Look, the man told me to give you a
draft of the speech and listen to your

suggestions on it.

Now I know why.

I want you to spice it up a bit, huh?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, I wouldn't use that line that I
just suggested.

Why not?

That is exactly what we want.

And not now.

Yeah.

My God.

This country coming to.

Mrs. Captree was just found dead.

Guts ripped open.

I've had a Grammy and Kirstie stuff
working out for you.

You see, there's only one way I know of
to get rid of a werewolf, and that's to

shoot it.

From a helicopter.

Now, I know what you're all thinking.

What's the difference between me and a
pit bull?

Well, I'm here to tell you not much.

We both need to be kept on a short
leash, we both enjoy a big bowl of

and we both squat when we pee, but I
wear lipstick.

Now, don't you go nowhere, because we're
coming back, and so to the movie

macabre thingamajiggy and such.

Here too, for, and you know, also.

Hey, look, I can see Transylvania from
here.

Okay, let's see.

Yeah, all I need is a catchphrase to get
my base all riled up.

Oh, let's see, something like, you know,
like a chant at rallies.

Like, chill, baby, chill.

Yeah, it's not like I live in Alaska
anymore, that's for sure.

Thrill, baby, thrill.

Oh, no, the kids might be watching.

Shrill, baby, shrill.

Oh, no, that gets too close to home.

Oh, no, okay. Kill, baby, kill. That's a
good one. That's a good one. Oh, hi.

You know, as I put together all these
talking points, and I'm sure to get

about, I need to prepare for that crazy
gotcha journalism that the media elite

is so keen on doing to a smoking hot
candidate with little or no actual

experience. Yeah, you know, I have read
most of the magazines. I mean, I've read

all of the magazines, and they all say
the same thing.

But I don't care, because I am a
maverick. It's all here in my new book,

Morgue. Now available wherever fine
books are being burned.

Have you been?

I guess I asked that last night.

Yeah, I guess you did.

Gee, I haven't been in the White House
in a long time.

Well, not everyone gets to see all of
the White House, Jack.

It's really awful about Mr. Castery,
isn't it?

And those shoes they've found, it's
weird.

Shoes?

Uh, Chisinau? Uh, Marion?

The President's waiting for me, I...

Hasn't Judge Captree asked that his
nomination be withdrawn because of this

horrible tragedy?

Well, I've asked him not to make that
request.

Frankly, I don't want his name
withdrawn.

The current permissive trends continue
in this country.

I'm worried about national anarchy.

Andrea, you and I, we don't see eye to
eye about those things.

Never asked for your support, and I...

I've never received it.

But if your paper could change its
position, it would swing

the nomination for him.

I'll think about it, Mr. President.

Good.

I'm sorry to have kept you here so late.

Oh, by the way, I've asked the FCC to...
act as quickly as possible upon that

application, no matter what position you
take.

After all, I do owe you a favor.

If you hadn't banished Jack here to
Budapest, I wouldn't have a new system

secretary.

Good evening, darling.

Mr. President, we didn't banish Jack.

I begged him to stay here, didn't I,
Jack?

He requested the transfer for personal
reasons.

And he's welcome to come back anytime.

Thank you.

Jack?

I'm sorry.

I have to go, Mr. President.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll leave with Jack. No, Jack. I mean,
I'll stay here with you, Mr. President.

Well, I'll think it over, Mr. President.

I may surprise you.

Thank you, Andrea. Good night. Good
night.

Good night, Jack.

Good night.

Jack!

Jack!

Jack, I think I could be your friend,
Jack.

If you could just accept that.

I'd like to be.

You don't look well, Jack.

Jag. Don't wait for me there, Marion.

Wait for me in your room.

Go away now!

Says it's a werewolf. A weird wolf.

A werewolf.

Werewolf.

Can you imagine what happened if the
press gets a hold of that? I think the

did themself.

He looks like he could sever a jugular.
Well, I don't think the kid did it.

No, maybe he did do it.

His obvious hatred of female authority
figures, the expression he keeps using,

mother. It fits the pattern of the
climes.

Prominent middle -aged women found near
national monuments.

I don't think the kid did it. You're the
whiz kid. You keep it from the press.

Hi, how are you?

Good.

Could you just tell me exactly what you
saw?

Look, we just saw this figure running
away.

Figure running away. Was it a man or a
woman? Was it light or dark?

Was it light or dark? It was too dark to
tell.

I think it was dark, wasn't it?

This figure was dark. Oh, right, it was
dark. It was very dark. Debbie, Debbie,

just be cool.

A black man.

No, it was a werewolf, you racist pig.

Just one minute, boy. Don't point your
finger at me. Who are you talking to?

talking to you. Take it easy.

Look, we didn't do anything.

Take it easy. Now, could you kids tell
me something more detail about this

running figure?

It was hairy.

It walked funny.

Uh -huh.

The Panthers.

How do you know it's the Panthers?

I know it.

Book them. Book them? Wait a minute.
What for?

Narcotics. Oh, no.

Wait a minute. Listen.

Where are you kids staying?

The Chevrolet Hilton.

The what?

Big bus on the mall.

I'm just trying to help you.

We're going to assign an FBI agent to
keep you under surveillance or else

going to have to lock you up.

Oh. Wow, man.

Thank you.

Well, sir, do you have any leads? I
mean, this is the second murder of a

national figure in two days.

Are you sure you have enough manpower to
trap the killer? I mean, your boys seem

to be busy with the networks.

Let me tell you something.

None of this would have happened if you
people didn't support the very elements

in our society that did this. Easy, man,
easy. Don't let them get to you.

How do you know that we support the
elements when you don't have one single

lead? We do have a suspect, and an
indictment is imminent.

Sir, I must insist that you stop talking
to these people.

Does imminent mean today, tomorrow, or
indefinitely, sir?

Imminent means tomorrow morning, 9 o
'clock. I'm sorry, sir. And won't you

bleeding hearts be surprised?

He doesn't have one indictment. He's too
busy investigating us.

You see?

See?

Jack!

Don't you think you astronauts have
anything this convenient on the land?

No, sir.

I guess not.

I understand that the three of you are
cooped up on one of these for... How

is that?

It's about two weeks altogether.

Two weeks, oh.

Would you mind if I... No, no, no, you
go right ahead.

Oh, this one doesn't seem to work.

Oh, let me give you a hand.

That's all right, sir. I'll use this
one. No, no, no.

That's not the point.

So I'll just... Okay.

The president's on his knees in the
men's room.

He's going to be out in 60 minutes.

I'll just reach down under and get the
latch for you.

Sir, I'll do it. Just a second.

No, no, no.

Just go about your business.

I'll get the...

Janet had a look into that.

You know, it's odd.

We kept one of you fellas up on the
moon, but when it comes to fixing a

latch like that, we're just all thumbs.

Okay, there's a Remington I want to show
you out here that Blackwoods gave to me

with a mink and sheep.

I don't want to forget this.

Jack, I can only give you a minute, but
I'd like you to stay and see the

senator.

Mr.

President, I'm not feeling very well.

Do you think you might want to find
someone to replace me?

Me right now?

Sure, go ahead.

Take a nap, Jack.

No, I mean generally.

Come on, Jack, you're doing a fine job.

You're indispensable to me. I need you
now more than ever.

It's about those shoes, sir.

Shoes?

What shoes?

Jack, would you please stop scratching
the palms of your hands? It's just not

manly.

It's about the murders, sir.

I don't believe that the Panthers did
them.

Well, there hasn't been a murder since
we put a guard on that black boy.

But the moon hasn't risen yet. Put a
guard on me.

Damn that mob out there.

Now look, Jack.

What is the meaning of this?

That speech you wrote last night was
just great.

The networks, they don't know what it
is.

And it's all because of you. I want to
assign you full time to writing speeches

for the vice president.

Mr. President, I think...

Oh Jack We all get Disturbed at some
time or another over some damn little

thing, but I won't hear of you leaving
the team And you've had a chat with

commander Sam

It's just not manly, Jack.

Joan, good to see you.

Come in, come in.

I'm a murderer.

I killed someone last night.

Dr. Salmon, do you believe that a man
can change into an animal?

An animal?

Have you ever heard of the mark of the
beast?

What? There's a curse on me.

I was bitten by a wolf.

And it wasn't a wolf.

Only it wasn't a wolf.

It was a werewolf.

And now when the full moon rises, I
change into an animal with only one

the desire to kill. Oh, Jack, you're
really a werewolf.

Well, what about my blackout?

And my scar?

And my finger?

And what about those shoes?

I think you're in trouble, Jack, but not
the kind of trouble you think you are.

What about my seeing the sign of a
pentagram?

Well, sometimes we see our conflicts in
terms of political symbols.

What's politics got to do with this?
Well, what does the Pentagon have to do

with it? The Pentagon?

The five -pointed star.

Would you come to the bathroom with me?

Later, sir.

Please.

Come with me to the bathroom.

Later. Later, please.

I'm going to show you something.

but they're not very hard to explain.

Now, you feel guilty because you were
with both of these women when they were

killed. And you don't think that in
itself is strange?

And you have the feeling that you could
have done something to stop it, coupled

with guilt feelings for having
murderous... Oh, boy, Larry Craig's got

on this men's room. ...having murderous
wishes towards these women for evil

reasons, for both of which you want to
be punished. Will you look at this?

I saw this in the palm of each of my
victims.

Jack, I want to help you.

Well, then lock me up. Come over to the
hospital tomorrow and we'll talk about

it. But someone's going to die tonight!

You two faggots, shut up! Jack, I cannot
help you unless you really want me to

help you.

Now remember what I told you.

Oh, bathroom humor.

Cheap bathroom humor.

And for once, it ain't my doing.

First, they took us into the executive
john to catch the president taking

matters into his own hands. And by that,
I mean fixing the stall door.

Then we had to watch the awkward moment
of Jack trying to lure the slightly deaf

naval scientist into the men's room
where he could show him his new tattoo.

What does the Pentagon have to do with
it? The Pentagon.

Gentlemen. The five -pointed star.

It's not manly, Jack. It's just not
manly.

Well, darling, don't flush yet. There's
more toity humor to come right here on

Movie Macaw.

Welcome back, darling. I've been working
on my campaign promises, you know, and

I was told I should try to keep all of
my initiatives bipartisan.

I was like, really?

I haven't even been bipartisan since
college.

I mean, they asked me about Roe versus
Wade, and I'm thinking, gee, I guess it

all really depends on how deep the river
is.

but I decided to speak about something
close to my heart, or at least my chest.

Global warming.

I herefore promise to personally
volunteer to keep everyone abreast of my

on warming the globes. Why, it's not
just people like me that benefit when

reach out and touch someone, but
everyone, from boys to men to even you

get involved.

It's time to lend a hand or two and
embrace the huge challenge on both the

and the left side of the issue.

So I believe everyone in America should
make warming the globes their number one

priority.

Thank you very much.

Jack Whittier on the line for Cliff
Mapes.

Cliff?

Jack, fine.

Little favor.

Look, who would I talk to over there to
find out if someone from Budapest is a

red dart?

Maybe Chinese.

G -I -S -E -L -L -E?

Frenick, F -R -E -N -N -I -K.

French -Romanian, about 30.

Correspondent for the Budapest House
Organ.

Jack Whittier.

Dr. Salmon? Yes, I did.

Now he has me thinking that whatever was
bothering me was all in my mind.

No.

That's just between me and my analyst.

together, beginning to think that while
I was in Budapest, I was

brainwashed.

Yeah,

to cover up some political activities
here.

Assassinations.

I just hope your Secret Service man
never publishes it.

No, maybe you better not.

Please.

Let me go.

Ah, man, that was a nice lamp.

Dog's eye view.

Hey, we're going for a walk.

Good idea. Let's go.

Oh, no, ma 'am. Without you. We want to
make it. You know what I mean, don't

you? Make it. Do it.

Capital steps.

No, man, we really want to take a walk.

Could you, uh, stay behind, you know,
like, uh, under the paper?

No, seriously, I want to make a phone
call to Mr. Ross.

Murphy. Randy Murphy.

I'm gonna go call Sally, okay?

Yeah, man.

Information? Yeah.

Randy Murphy.

He's somewhere in Georgetown, I think.

Yeah.

Right. Thank you.

Hello, Mrs. Murphy.

This is the werewolf of wine.

Know just what you want.

I'll be in, Debbie.

No, no, I left a message. I'll be back
later.

Yeah,

well, you ready to go?

Well, come on, let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen, before I answer
your questions, I would like to make a

brief announcement.

I have called this conference because of
the mass hysteria and our tragedy

surrounding a case that we're all very
much aware of.

Aware of. Aware of.

Today, I'm pleased to announce the
indictment of... Secondly...

the anarchist must be punished.

And thirdly, we must have Captree on the
Supreme Court.

If he so threatens the people, they will
stop at nothing.

Questions?

Mr. President.

Sir,

is it true that the same black man
you're holding for murder was himself

brutally attacked last night?

I didn't point at you. I was pointing at
her.

Here.

Oh, he's silly. Mr. President, the Vice
President made a speech last night. I

was wondering if you would comment on
it.

I'm glad you asked that question.

I would like to make one thing perfectly
clear.

The Vice President does

not clear his speeches with me.

Is the conference over?

No.

I just had to leave.

You know, I tried calling you last night
after you hung up.

Where were you?

Did you?

Oh,

for Pete's sake, it's got to be another
one of them robocalls. I swear, if I get

one more of these calls... Hello?

Hello,

Elvirus.

Oh, my God, that doesn't sound like a
robocall. Breather, is that you?

Yes! Hey, I've got a really, really good
joke for you.

Oh, no, not again. In the midst of my
plan of my political career?

It's okay. It's a political joke.

Oh, topical humor.

Uh, I probably shouldn't, but hey, I
mean, he is a voter.

Okay, what is it?

What did the Republican say to the gas
station attendant?

I don't know, breather. What did the
Republican say to the gas station

attendant? Siller, buster!

Breather, that was terrible.

The bomb dropped out of that joke so bad
you're sending me into a depression.

Hey, Elvira, if you get elected, can I
be in your cabinet?

In my cabinet?

Yeah, you know, on the top shelf, behind
your cup, watching you through the

crack.

Ew, okay, that is it. Consider yourself
vetoed.

More movie macabre coming up right after
this.

A good idea can come from anywhere. So
when Breather called me, I thought to

myself, Elvira, you should reach out and
personally call potential swing voters.

Lord knows I love those swingers.

So, here goes.

Let's see if I've got what it takes to
convince someone under I yell for the

job.

Jack Whittier.

Oh, hello, Jack.

I'm Elvira, the candidate for the Black
and Blue Party.

Hi, Angel.

I'm running on...

Oh, hi yourself there, mister.

I'm the candidate that you want to date.

Why, I've triggered more hanging chads
than Al Gore.

And let me tell you, them chads were
hung.

So have you heard from my opponent, Dr.
Salmon?

Dr. Salmon? Yes, I did.

Really?

Does he have you thinking I'm some kind
of cheap bluesy with no ideas who does

her best campaigning on her back?

Now he has me thinking that whatever was
bothering me was...

All in my mind.

Oh, changing his tactics, eh?

Well, it's not in your mind. Your
problems are real, and I am the only one

can fix them.

Now, tell me about your issues, and I'll
make them my issues.

Oh, that's just between me and my
analyst.

Look, bub, I didn't say I want you to
tell me about your rotten childhood and

your horrible mother.

You want to smoke here?

Whoa, you move fast.

Uh, no, I'm sorry. You must be confusing
me with Dr. Salmon. I don't make house

calls.

Well, wait a minute.

It's not like there's a whole lot of
work to do tonight. I just finished up

movie and painted a few signs.

Guess I can spare a few hours to talk to
a loyal voter one -on -one.

I just hope your Secret Service man ever
publishes a book.

Yeah, tell me about it.

None of my Secret Service was very
secret anyway.

So look, Jack, here's the thing.

I appreciate that you had a crappy
childhood, joined a club, but I really

want to hear about all your problems,
okay? So just tell me one big one so I

get to work on it, because, I mean, I'll
come over if you think it'll help me

get elected.

Okay,

I'll be right there, right after the
movie's over.

I mean, I know how it is when you men
are home alone all night.

Oops.

Too late.

Where did you go to school?

University of Chicago, sir. Did you play
any ball there?

Just four -wall handball, sir. They
didn't have varsity sports. That's

There's nothing wrong with four -wall
handball. Here, I want you to take a

I want you to bowl a few frames for me.
Go on, take a ball and get over in the

alley over there.

Just pick it up and step over there.
That's it.

All right, Jack. I want you to watch
this.

Watch me, Jack.

Yes. Watch me.

There you go.

I tell you, you take a shot. Go ahead.
Go ahead.

Your turn. Go ahead.

Take a shot.

This morning's vote for Senate. Let me
have the man I want in the Supreme

Do you think I don't care about that?

Do you?

Take a position, person.

Go on. Get up the line. That's it.

Now, I can assure you that after the top
amount of time for testing and soul

-searching, I'll strike out at my enemy.

Swiftly and boldly.

Maybe even tonight.

Hey, boy.

Jack. Pull the ball. Pull the ball.

No, no, not like that.

Look, get down.

Bend your knees.

Bend your knees. Bend your knees. Bend
your knees. Yes. Sit down there. Sit

there.

Get the ball back there.

Get your knees down there. When you get
the ball back there, just let it go.

You think I run from the battle.

Sure, commit.

Jack, will you throw the ball? Throw the
ball down there.

Yes, sir.

Over to you.

Shoot now, I do.

Amy, out of sheer recklessness, I'd
missed the target completely.

Oh, son, there's only a few of us left
in the boat now.

We've got to stick together and
strengthen one another.

I believe in you, Jack.

I want you to believe in me.

I promise to stand by you in this
crisis, Jack, if you promise me that

stand by yourself.

Jack, you'll throw the ball for Christ's
sake.

I can't, sir. Oh, sure you can. No, I
can't. I've been trying to tell you.

what kind of a man are you anyway? I've
been trying to tell you, sir.

The first thing happens, my fingers
start to swell before the moon rises.

And now my finger is stuck in a ball. I
can't get it off.

It's just not manly, Jack.

I can't go.

Nothing wrong with that ball Pilots load
up their planes with bombs

fly them anywhere you want drop them
anywhere they want

Without any authorization.

There's some damn incorrigible.

And then it drops in our lap.

And we don't even hear about it until we
read it in the paper.

The entire country is talking about

sex murders and Walsh and Weird Wolf.

This is just what the paper's been
waiting for.

Did you see this article in this
morning's Times?

Articles like that are appearing in
every newspaper in every city in the

country.

The networks, they can't even control
their own people anymore.

That circus of hippies outside the White
House is getting bigger and bigger and

bigger.

Congress is threatening you with
impeachment proceedings.

I am afraid of complete civil disorder.

My recommendation is that we declare
martial law, put a curfew on the whole

city, and bring the army in on this.

The army?

I think we should hold off on that.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

I'd like to come directly to the point.

I would like to be able to announce the
withdrawal of... all troops, totally

and immediately in Southeast Asia.

Frankly, I'm afraid of the reaction from
the lunatic right.

General DeRocha, or excuse me, Admiral
DeRocha, you are a politically

astute tactician, well aware of the
tensions on the home front.

What can I do to keep down casualties
here and abroad while I speed up truth?

through withdrawals. Sir, if we can make
just one last quick thrust into his

sanctuaries, covered by a reactive
protracted reconnaissance, an active

radiative reconnaissance.

Radiative? What did I miss?

Try to stay awake over there, Harry.

Yes, sir. A protective reactive
reconnaissance, an active... Okay, let's

Sir, don't you think we should notify
Congress?

Notify Congress?

What do you think, Jack?

Jack?

Now, God damn it, let's... Well, let's
just ignore them.

Gentlemen, our credibility is at stake
throughout the world.

No, I will not be found wanting in this
nuclear age.

About our plan to recognize red China

Jack, what the hell time is it?

I get one, Jack!

Jack!

Gentlemen, would you please excuse the
boy? He hasn't been feeling too well

recently.

Thank you.

Wait! Wait!

What is your name?

What?

What is your name? You have a name!

What is your name?

Okay, this movie just got really weird.

What is your name?

Everyone saw that, right? Dean Stockwell
just licked a...

Are

you real?

Are you really real?

Is this for real?

Yeah, that's what I want to know.
Because right about now, this movie is

bad antacid trip. After all, I would
never take any kind of illegal

That's why one of my campaign promises
would be to legalize marijuana.

Whoa, just imagine how much cooler this
movie would be.

Stick around. There's more of this
nightmare when we return to The Werewolf

Washington here on Movie Macaw.

Welcome back, my fellow... Americans.

As we tally the results from my runoff,
ooh, I thought I fixed that problem.

I just wanted to say thank you to
everyone who rocked my vote.

You know what I always say, if this
vote's a -rockin', don't come a

couldn't have done it without all of you
little people.

I am gonna give each one of you a puppy.

Whoa. You know, I've kissed a lot of
babies on this campaign trail, but I

licked it.

Gosh, I hope that doesn't cost me Ohio.

I called earlier about some silver
bullets.

No, I want them. With powder. And
tonight.

All right, $500.

I don't care.

No, they don't have to be ballistically
perfect.

Well, can you make one by tonight?

All right, then send me one.

Bullets won't stop it. Maybe we can get
it with a tank or a flamethrower. I

don't want him destroyed under any
circumstances.

Don't you realize how important it is to
our programs?

You must issue the order that he be
taken alive.

It's damn interesting, Dr.

Kiss, about the programs.

Just what in the hell are our scientific
programs?

I haven't any more time for this.

I have my own work to tend to.

Well, that is pretty much the law.

Word leaks out there's a werewolf
running around and we can't kill it.

Well, just don't let it.

Only you and I have seen this.

Just keep all the people off the streets
tonight and we'll handle it.

I don't know about that. I mean, I'm up
to my neck in this Asian policy stuff

and then two students out in Ohio.

I respect this myth, sir.

that that is your problem.

Oh, uh... Dr.

Kiss?

Dr. Kiss?

Dr. Kiss, what do you think of my
Southeast Asian housing?

Dr. Kiss?

the publisher, the black kid, the guard
at Pentagon last night.

And this is the same shape as the scar
on my shoulder with just one knife to

fill in the shape of the five -pointed
star.

Another murder tonight at Watergate, my
apartment.

And there's no doubt about it, the shoes
we found at the Pentagon are his.

And the shirt.

And the shirt.

If I can just catch a plane tomorrow,
I'll have a full month to find that old

gypsy woman before the full moon rises
again.

And, Doctor, I know you can find a way
to tell the President so that there

be a search for me tonight or an
investigation.

But you have to lock me up tonight.

All right.

I'm convinced.

We'll lock you up.

We can't let the press know about this.

We can't let anybody know about it.

Yeah. There's no doubt the press would
seize on your personal tragedy to

discredit the president.

Well, frankly, I don't even want him to
know. He's got enough on his mind

already.

Jack.

I'm sorry about this.

Could you tell Marion?

All right, I'll tell her.

I didn't think I might be able to get
some rest tonight knowing I'm chained

Let's go.

What's that?

It's a time -lapse camera, Jack.

Presumably it'll go on during the
transformation.

If you are what you say you are, we owe
it to science to make a record of it.

Oh, and the president wants a copy for
his new library.

Oh, Captain Salmon, would you turn on
the television for me? I'd like to watch

the president's address tonight.

I have to leave soon, Jack, but I'll be
back after the address is over.

I can't believe I have to go through
another night of this agony.

Captain Salmon, you see that cane?

The cane right by the television set?

Pick it up!

Pick it up!

Hit me with it!

Hit me with it! On the head!

Kill me!

I'm just a violent beast and I'm better
off dead.

I'm better off dead. Jack, I'm better
off dead. Jack, kill me, will you? Pull

yourself together, Jack.

There's nothing to whimper about.

I guess this station will do. He's going
to be on all the stations.

All right, Jack.

I'll be back after the address.

God. Who did this to you, Jack?

No one did anything to me, Marion.

Will you get out of here?

Are you insane?

Who did this to you?

Marion, will you leave my chains alone?

Did you do this to yourself?

Just leave them alone, Marion. God damn
it. Will you get out of here?

Out! Out!

Will you please stop barking at me?

Now, please, stop that nonsense.

It's not nonsense, Marion.

Please, will you leave before anything
happens to you?

No, I'm not going to leave. Of course
not.

In fact, I'm spending the night here.
What?

So that you can see this is all in your
mind.

Oh, Marion, get the hell out of here!

Don't worry. I'll leave your chains on.

What's that?

Marion, just next to the TV, there's a
gun there. You see it?

All right, it's loaded.

Now, if anything happens to me, if I
change, that's the only thing that can

keep me from killing someone else.

Oh, Jack, stop it.

Marion, if you insist on staying here,
you can at least do that for me. Keep it

with you at all times.

Now, you can do that for me, can't you,
Marion?

You can at least do that.

Don't answer it.

Daddy.

President.

Hi, Jack. I know I gave you a few days
off, but it's just that the press

secretary is ill and I need you there.

I guess it's my most important address
ever.

I'm announcing an arms limitation
agreement with the Chinese foreign

and I just don't want the public to
think that it's a cover for the curfew

imposing upon Washington tonight.

I don't want to sound like a little boy
who cried wolf.

You know what I mean, Jack?

What?

Jack, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to
insist.

I've already sent a chopper over there
to pick you up.

Chopper.

I read a report of it in one of the
Hanoi papers.

It sounded like a case of mass hysteria.

Well, it sounds like an amusing report.

Jack, would you look into that?

Jack?

Jack?

I haven't read any of those.

We will introduce you to the nation. And
then I will come on next.

Mr.

Prime Minister, we are going to
introduce you first to the nation.

I don't understand what you're saying.

How do you say that in Chinese?

You'll be the grabber. You'll get the
people.

Then that'll raise a certain amount of
speculation, Mr. Prime Minister. And

I'll come on, and that'll give the
people what they've been waiting for. Do

understand? I come on. I come on. Mr.
Prime Minister, you're not listening.

Mr. Prime Minister.

Do you understand, Mr. Prime Minister?

I don't understand at all. Then I come
on, and then I'll... I'm not talking

about this. I'm talking about this. Hey,
this is not the thing I want. I don't

want him here.

What?

Just leave Jack out of this. Will you
just talk to me for a moment? What I'm

talking about, Mr. Prime Minister...
Let's talk about this first. I don't

to see him here. Mr. Prime Minister,
would you please pay attention here just

moment? Now, Jack.

Jack, will you pay attention, too?

God damn it!

Is this a joke?

Or is it war?

There's no joke, Mr. Prime Minister.
There's no war, of course.

Jack, will you please just help me out
here a little bit, will you?

I don't understand what you said, Jack.

But I don't know what you're talking
about.

I'll get it then. Jack, Jack, would you
just pay a little attention over here,

Jack? No, Jack!

This is hijack!

Hijack! No, no, no hijack, Mr. Prime
Minister. No, no hijack.

You'll go before the nation.

We

have

to land, sir. Land, land.

Jack, how do you say land?

Jack, will you please try to pay some
attention over here?

Mr. President, after we announce you...

Jack, you're right.

It is you.

Where are you?

Now,

boy.

Down, Jack.

Don't shoot. Don't shoot.

Don't shoot.

Don't harm the dog. Now, Jack.

Now, Jack, this is your present.

Now,

sit, boy.

Sit.

I just want to make one thing perfectly
clear.

I said... she's... she's solely...

solely... I said...

she's solely...

It was Whittier.

Oh, Jack!

Al. Jack, I didn't know!

Get Marion out of here.

I don't want the past to know she's
here.

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Now, if this gets out, what gets out,
General?

He's changed back.

Who's to say any of us saw what we saw?

An autopsy. We'll have an autopsy? No,
no, no, no. My mind is playing tricks on

me. Listen, we'll give him a hero's
burial.

He came between a sniper's bullet

and the president's daughter.

Let's trace this gun, find out who the
owner is. No, no, bury it, bury it, bury

it with last year's nerve gas.

The president's going to be all right.
He just has a little bite on the neck.

Thank God.

Hal!

Tell Marion her father's going to be all
never mind.

You guys won't have Jack Whittier to
kick around anymore.

Yes, we can!

Yes, I can!

Yes, I did!

Yes, I will!

I scored seven years ago with four
fathers, but one was incontinent and in

desperation. I could not conceive that
my libido was dedicated to the pursuit

happiness. And I can tell you that all
men are not created equal, especially

the plumber.

So in order to form a more perfect
union, I have established just us and

the blessings of my posterior for myself
and we, the people.

It is with a great and heavy heart that
I would like to say, read my lips, I am

not a crook.

I said thanks, but no thanks to that
bridge to nowhere.

I asked not what my country could do for
me. I asked myself if I was better off

than I was four years ago.

The only thing we have to fear is four
more years.

We smoked them out of their holes, but I
did not inhale.

And despite that giant sucking sound, I
took that initiative and created the

internet. But above all, I did not have
sexual relations with that woman.

Thank you, red state.

Thank you, blue state.

Thank you, I don't know what to do
state.

Mission accomplished.

Today is the day that will live in
infamy.

Tonight's vote was a vote for peace, a
vote for freedom, and a vote for the two

great... Objects of the American dream.
The unpleasant American dream.

That's right, darling.

Here comes the big kiss -off. Until next
time.