All language subtitles for elviras_movie_macabre_hercules_and_the_captive_women_-_shout_tv_-01

In the past, there have been tales of
titans, gorgons, gods, and demigods.

There have also been tales of demi
-more, but that's another story.

Tonight's tale takes us deep into the
bowels of the dark and the mistress that

resides over those bowels.

Oh!

Greetings, darling. Let it be known that
tonight brings forth a classic Greek

tragedy.

Emphasis on the tragedy.

Yay! And let it be known that tonight we
are doing it Greek style.

Yes, for tonight, the son of God and
man, our old pal Herc, dons his Sunday

tunic and wrangles himself some captive
women.

Now, you know, I'm not sure what he's
going to do with them, as Herc doesn't

look like he enjoys the softer side of
sears, if you catch my drift.

And if you did catch my drift... I'm
sorry I had to block you for lunch.

But seriously, though, this movie is so
depressing.

It's like the classic tale of Oedipus.
You know, where the guy kills his dad

because he's got the hots for his mom.

Well, by the time you're done watching
this flick, you're going to want to kill

your father, your cousin, your mother,
and your Aunt Louise.

So, hold on to your Kalamata, Olive.

It's Hercules and the Captive Women,
tonight on Movie Night.

This was ancient Greece, divided into
states, each ruled by its own king.

The king of Thebes was Androcles.

The mighty Hercules and his son Hylus
were loyal to this brave ruler.

Good -natured brawling was a necessity
to keep the young warriors fit and

strong, for wars were always present.

Woo -hoo! Toga party!

That's enough now, boys.

Come on. We're leaving now.

Big puppy.

You dope.

History tells us of the wars.

Legends tell us of an era when the
unforeseen perils of the mystical

were always lurking.

This is one of those legends.

What are you trying to say?

Where do you come from?

This blood is not from wounds, but is
fallen from the heavens with flames and

poisonous serpents. Monstrous powers are
now devastating Greece.

In all our cities, the people are
fleeing before the deadly shadow which

bringing night without end.

Can't you see? A rain of blood and fire,
death and ruin are descending upon the

cities of Greece.

From the heavens!

From the heavens!

be a sign from the heavens.

Only the prophet Tiresias can tell us
what it means.

Not by menacing or by punishing, but
through their life -giving power they

spoken. What have they said?

Oh, wise Tiresias, who knows?

Who can say?

Who knows? Who can say?

Who cares?

A peril from afar, unknown.

Who is threatening us? Who would dare
attack the Greeks?

Evil is upon us.

Forces of unbelievable horror.

Out of the west, where few have been,
through the straits from which no vessel

has returned.

Across unknown seas, beyond the straits,
from which

no man has yet returned.

From beyond the straits, Teresia told
us. From beyond the straits, across the

great ocean, lies the terrible danger
threatening us.

And I say to you, kings of Grecian
cities, that we must attack these evil

before they reach our shores.

Attack them and destroy them.

If it were my decision, I would not
hesitate to join my forces with yours.

But it's the Council of Thady which
governs my lands, and it's difficult for

Thady Councils to ever manage to reach
an accord.

Thanks to the gods, I alone command in
my kingdom. And Hercules is right.

We should attack rather than just defend
ourselves. Mr. Senope.

Yes.

Shoulder acting.

Ooh,

is that Spanakopita in your skirt, or
are you just happy to see me?

Oh, it's Spanakopita.

Watch, Andrew, please. Look at the
outlines of grease over on the map and

the confines of my own lap. I swear by
all my guards on high that no enemy will

ever pass me.

Here!

To there!

If you think I've been impressed with
such a childish spectacle, you're

mistaken.

Even a king can court misfortune if he's
too intriguing.

May I point out to you?

The tribute money for the last war is
still waiting to be paid?

If you think to fill your corpus with my
gold because we're now forced to be

allies?

No!

All right.

I must go alone with my own warriors,
abandoning my kingdom to defend all of

yours. Have no fear.

I shall see to it that nobody sits upon
your throne during your absence.

Your throne shall be rebuilt the day you
return, Androcles.

What a waste of a fine throne.

It was carved especially for me and
Tyros.

We shall sculpt one far more beautiful
to celebrate your homecoming.

Mine? Ours, you mean?

Your skin is so smooth.

Do you wax your back? Not just my back.

Do you belong to the health spa known as
Equinox?

Have you ever lived in San Francisco?

Do you watch gladiator movies?

I'm a little concerned. Well, if this
massage has a happy ending, there'll be

nothing to worry about.

You see, my last mate left me for
Thaddeus, the harp player.

And before him, my mate Thor was found
in the bath with Gaius. Which Gaius do

you speak of? There are many Gaiuses at
the Roman bath.

I know, and it adds to my suffering.

I cannot help it that I am hotter than
the flames of Hades.

Many flock to my loins.

Women, some of the menfolk, eunuchs.

Small animals want the chicken.

A chicken?

Whatever floats your boat. Just because
I have oiled muscles, wear the shortest

of skirts, and enjoy the company of
sheep on occasion doesn't mean I don't

you.

Foot acting.

What do you want?

Pardon me, Diana. I've been waiting for
Hercules to let me know when we can put

the sea.

Leave now if you wish.

Hercules is staying in Seeds.

What do you mean?

But what do we do?

You have to come, Hercules. You must. We
can't possibly wait any longer. You

know that.

I'm being reasonable. That's why I'm not
leaving Thebes.

Here I have my home, my wife, and my
son. And it's time now that I enjoy them

peace. He's right. And you, Hercules, I
must insist, you won't get him away from

me another time.

Very well, then.

But I've always been ready to accompany
you wherever you've led, even through

the most terrible dangers, and even
though I was afraid.

Well, perhaps Dinara is right.

If I had a beautiful wife and son, I
would think the same way.

Goodbye now, Hercules.

I'll wait for you at the palace.

We must try my final wine of Tyro and
drink to our health and to my voyage.

Do you think you'll be very mad?

Difficult to say before he wakes up. No
matter, we're miles offshore.

When Papa finds out I put a sleeping
powder in his wine... Hey, he's coming

around. You take over. If he finds out
that I'm here on board, we're all done

for.

Wait, I'll come with you. No, you stay
here.

Lovely day, isn't it?

Yes.

How long have we been at sea?

I should sum up.

And where's your fleet?

Well... And where are your warriors?

I have none.

It's because of that I brought you with
us. I understand. I understand.

And is this your crew?

Right. Galley slaves and cut persons.

Fine company.

It's the best I could find.

But I thought you were the king of
thieves.

Aren't you?

I fought against the soothsayers, the
senators, the commanders of the army.

Aren't you always saying that democracy
is... Never mind, never mind.

Anyway, I was right to smash the throne,
wasn't I?

Now, how do you intend to beat the
enemy?

Oh, I forgot.

You've got Timotheus.

No need for irony.

An enemy we've never seen is twice as
powerful.

We now have to find out who this enemy
is. From what unknown land he threatens

us. How strong he is. How great are his
armies.

From where does he intend to attack us?

Hercules, what are you doing?

I'm sleepy.

I'm upset.

I'd prefer to be to hit somebody.

I cannot understand a word that man is
saying.

It's all Greek to me.

Well, stick around, darling. We're still
holding out for a gyro.

Well, Hercules, not the sandwich.

There's more moving macabre when we come
back right after this.

Welcome back, my little plebeians. We're
in the middle of the big, fat Greek

myth take, Hercules and the Captive
Women.

Now, we're about a quarter of the way
through this, uh...

And I'll tell you, all I'm seeing are a
bunch of sweaty guys laying around on

their junk.

Junk, that's what they call their boat.

I am sure some captive women are coming
right up, so just hang in there, guys.

This won't be a sausage party for long.

Oh,

it's impossible.

I hid down here in this hole six long
days.

I've gotten seasick in the bargain.

I'm going up.

No, you don't. Don't you move.

We'll ask if Hercules finds you on
board.

The only thing he's been asking all
these days is whether you're at home

and sound.

Did you tell him I was?

Yeah, greased by the way of Brooklyn.

Nothing. Mostly sleep.

When he doesn't sleep, he fishes.

Fishes. Fishes.

Quite many fish? Nah.

Androcles is up astern and won't bother
us.

Don't worry.

The land isn't that far away.

Just make certain nobody comes down
here.

Don't be so slow.

Come on.

Whoa, look at all the men going into
that big gaping hole.

It's like Britain is a barricade.

The water can't be far off, and the men
will be back soon.

We should leave before the sun goes
down.

Look yonder.

There in that direction is a mysterious
country.

If we can find it with the aid of the
gods, we can confront the danger that's

menacing us.

What makes you so sure the gods will
help us?

Go look for the men now. I can't believe
that rats in all those water bags.

Human rats with swords, maybe.

Certainly not the best of men for an
enterprise like this.

Sleep well. Don't trouble yourself. I'll
wake you just before we go aboard.

You're out of shot, but you stay below.

Just let me see the sky.

Nothing doing, I've told you. It's not
time yet for your father to find you're

on board.

Once we pass through the strait... I've
had enough. I'm coming out.

Quiet! The sailors are coming back.

Shut up, you little weasel.

Ow!

Raise

the

sails! Hey, quit yanking my chain.

This movie is the pit.

God of the air, I beg thee, cause the
wind something.

Yeah, wine makes me feel better, too.

Probably the alcohol.

Passing ship is willing to repatriate
you.

You think that's a good idea?

Hey, Hercules, a very good idea.

Even if they are criminals, there's no
reason why they should be sent to the

death. What about us?

For us, it's different. We set out on
this voyage of our own free will.

Well, at least you did.

How can the three of us navigate this
ship?

Three? You mean two of you. Huh?

One shall man the sail, the other the
helm.

Don't worry. I'm sure everything will
work out wonderfully.

You'll get that.

There he is.

I'm going above. Are you crazy?

I'm dying.

I'd much rather face my father.

And maybe I can help Andrew. Don't be
ridiculous.

Not more than a minute ago, Hercules
decided to help us. He's nowhere to

There's something up ahead. Go see what
it is.

You hold the tiller.

Hurry!

Oh, my God. This movie's starting to
make me seasick.

Or is it just sick?

Well, blow me down and shiver me
timbers.

This is exactly what I always imagined
the Navy to be.

Big, hunky, sweaty guys pulling their
oars down below, sharing meals, swapping

the deck, swapping spit, all while
taking orders from them.

You want to know how it all turns out in
the end?

Uh -uh -uh.

Don't ask.

Don't tell.

Welcome back, darling.

Tonight we're putting the fun in
Phoenician.

Yep, we dug up the ancient myth of
Hercules and then, like, messed it up

some nonsense about an island of captive
women, those of which have yet to be

seen. Well, let's get back to the man
-on -man action and hope that we

some X chromosomes soon.

But look, I mean, if you don't like it,
I would keep it to myself.

You know, I mean, Herc may be all
Athenian and all, but if you diss this

he'll Euripides you a new one.

Uh -huh.

Just saying.

Omnipotent Zeus.

Oh, Zeus, my father.

Hear my plea.

If Androcles is still alive, if it is
this you wish to tell me, grant me

that we might meet again.

Grant it that it be in my power to save
him.

Oh, Zeus, my father.

I beg you. Do not fear.

No, please. Kill me.

Kill me.

Who are you?

What god persecutes you?

Go away, stranger.

Go away.

Who has imprisoned you?

He was a man like you.

But he can be everything. A great
serpent. Water.

A terrible tempest.

The air that you breathe. The earth you
walk upon. Go away.

No one knows in what form he will next
appear.

Who is the monster who threatens you?

Proteus.

Watch out!

Stay in yourself! It's him!

It's about him!

He gives good counsel.

Go away.

I don't want intruders on my island.

Leave here now, or you'll be dead by
nightfall.

Boy, he is right. All creatures are
attracted to him.

Must be the mountain's time of the
month.

I'm saved. Yes, Proteus is dead.

That is his blood.

This rocky cliff, the whole island, is
Proteus himself.

He nourished himself on the blood of you
and other victims.

But now it is all over.

You think so?

It was my people who left me as a
sacrifice to prevent him from destroying

When you killed him, you went against
the will of the gods.

No.

Without the help of the gods, I would
never have succeeded in slaying that

monster.

And the gods will help us again.

There's my country.

Atlantis.

Today is dedicated to Uranus.

The queen is in the temple for the
sacred ceremony

And those children are dedicated to your
race.

They're going to the mountain of the
dead.

Shot on location at 30 Rockefeller
Center.

At the mayor.

Forgive me if I interrupt the ceremony.

But the mists that protect our island
have vanished as if by magic.

I saw it from the mountain.

It's now my fear Atlantis can be seen by
mortal eyes.

Uranus has abandoned us!

He said Uranus.

We must sacrifice the Proteus.

Wait!

Proteus does not need human victims any
longer. You dare enter here? Who are

you? Hercules of Thebes.

My father, the omnipotent Zeus, has
guided me here to your land.

Let him alone.

No mortal has ever dared set foot on the
sacred island of Atlantis before.

What are you doing here?

What foolhardy reason has led you to
defy the ire of our gods?

I do not believe in evil gods. Such gods
I have been taught to hate.

I combat gods which demand human
sacrifices and slake their thirst with

blood. For this reason I have slain
Proteus and saved the life of a maiden.

Who has sacrificed to his monstrous
fury?

You lie!

Why this

silence?

Your daughter is alive?

And yet there is no joy in your eyes.

You have committed the most terrible of
sacrileges. You have killed the son of

Uranus, Proteus. And at his death, the
mists which had protected Atlantis for

centuries were dissolved.

What is Atlantis to hide which mortal
man must not behold?

For what reason have you come here to
Atlantis?

Hercules of Thebes?

I have brought Ismene back to her
mother.

And if the gods were as angry as you
say, they never would have allowed me to

come this far, nor helped me to destroy
Proteus.

Perhaps you are right and we are wrong.
But... If we have committed errors, we

must remedy them and give our thanks to
him who has opened our eyes.

Come, my daughter.

I am happy you have returned.

I can only ask your forgiveness and
render my thanks to him who has saved

It is not me you should thank, but the
fate which has brought me here in search

of a friend.

Fate must have been more concerned for
the well -being of his nanny than for

well -being of your friend, sending you
here to our shores.

No mortal has ever landed here before.
You are the first.

My friend Androcles vanished at sea
during a storm.

I'm convinced he's alive, but he's in
danger.

Were he here, I would not hesitate to
tell you.

I would go to any lengths to help him
out of gratitude to you for having saved

the life of my Goth.

But now we must celebrate your victory
over Proteus.

May it signify good fortune for our
land.

You shall be my guest.

You have only to ask for anything you
wish, and it shall be given to you.

I swear by all the gods on high that the
gods have spoken, and it is the will of

the gods that we will be back to
Hercules and the captive women when

Macabre returns right after this.

God.

Oh, welcome back, darlings. We were just
watching Hercules in the...

Captive Women, you know, that movie that
puts the bus in history bus.

Well, this movie was shot on location in
Atlantis, and much like the box office

receipts, the island sunk right after
filming.

Well, this movie's kind of like the old
story about the Trojans, you know, that

story about getting that little package
and you think it's all nothing, but it

turns out that there's a big surprise
inside.

The surprise is there's still about 40
minutes of this movie to go.

It seems as if I've awakened from a
nightmare.

I can't bear to think of the terrible
end I was destined for.

You are more beautiful than ever.

And I love you more than ever.

I... I well understand your feelings.

But if... But if Hercules had not saved
you as he did, your fate would have

been far less terrible.

Well, what are you saying?

I look terrible.

When I offered you as a sacrifice to
Proteus, it was not for the reason that

think.

Not to satisfy the lust of that accursed
monster.

There was no need to sacrifice the
daughter of a queen.

You are the daughter of Antonia.

You are my daughter.

If you had to die,

It was for a far more noble and fatal
reason than that.

But... What reason?

Your destiny is bound to mine, Ismene.

Just as mine is bound to my kingdom.

I never told you the truth before,
because death and truth have the same

for me.

Unfortunately, nothing has changed.

On the day that a daughter of mine shall
survive me, it is written in the sacred

books, Atlantis shall be destroyed.

Mother, good night.

You must die.

No.

No.

I don't want to die.

Androclines! Androclines, wait!

Androclines, why didn't you...

It's not possible. What is not possible?

That man.

I saw myself. That was Androcles.

Androcles? I don't understand.

I don't understand myself.

I'm sure I saw my friend Androcles.

And yet... I don't doubt your words.

I suppose you think I've lost my mind.

Even I now seem only to have dreamed it
all. No, what you have experienced is

quite normal.

Often the desire to see a loved one
creates the illusion of seeing visions.

Yes, perhaps you're right.

Besides, you are weary from your long
journey.

Put your mind at peace, more pleasant.

There are horsemen coming.

Won't you leave me in peace? I've been
waiting for this for days. Now I want to

sleep.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! They're with him. It looks like
she's a prisoner. A girl.

Put her down and fire to that stake.

We'll wait here till sunset.

Why wait till sunset?

Let's kill her now.

It's orders of Antinea.

When it's time, we'll throw her from the
cliffs to the rocks below.

Don't you look at me like that.

We're merely obeying your mother.

You're better off to me.

What are you doing?

I'll save that girl. You want to see
them kill her?

No, but I don't want to save her by
getting killed myself.

Look out.

any others no i feared the last one good
quick the girl

courage

now don't you be afraid we're here to
protect you courage it's no use it's no

use why say that where could i go no
matter where it's my destiny

but i die now don't be foolish we want
to kill you What kind of people live

here? Unfriendly and somewhat nervous.

Fly for your lives at once.

They'll kill you, too.

They have possibly already killed the
great Hercules. Hercules?

Is he far away?

Do you know him?

He's my father.

Don't worry now.

If he's here, we're all safe.

Hey, that's my pose.

Why, I gotta...

Sirk is so gay.

Have anyone ever told you that you look
like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark?

I would take your question more
seriously without that ridiculous scarf

head. Go on, do it. Do the hosting
thing, just like her, only with smaller

breath.

Ugh. Hello, darling. Welcome back to
this crap -er classic.

Now stay on movie macabre.

Screw you.

Why are you so anxious to leave?

Remain here with us.

Have you not enjoyed my company?

I must find Androcles. I shall have no
peace until I discover what has happened

to him.

Perhaps your friend is dead.

Perhaps his body lies at the bottom of
the sea.

I would like to stay here with you,
Antonia.

But at least for now, it is not
possible.

What a pity.

Tomorrow I shall place at your disposal
a ship so that you may continue your

search.

There's only one thing that I ask.

You must promise me that you will
return.

I shall return.

Yes, I promise you.

Androcles.

I hate you.

I loathe you.

Why did you come to Atlantis?

What do you want of us?

But what are you saying? Androcles, you
must be mad.

No.

You.

You are mad.

If you think you're able to combat the
force of Atlantis with the pivotal

strength of your muscles.

You may kill me if you wish.

But you'll all be destroyed.

Destroyed by the forces of our queen.

There will be no mercy for those who
attempt to defy our power.

There'll be no hope of escape for you.

Androcles, listen to me. No.

You listen to me, whoever you are.

You must die.

And with you, all Greeks will perish as
blood rains down and purifies the earth.

The skies will burst into flame to hail
our victory, destroying the temples of

your meaningless gods.

And a great god will return to his own,
Uranus, to rule over all.

What you say is blasphemy. And I thought
Atlantis was such a nice place.

I'm sorry, Hercules.

I did not wish for you... But why did
you lie to me?

Why didn't you tell me he was here?

You are too suspicious.

Who knows what sinister motives you
attribute to my acts.

Perhaps you even believe those insane
visions created out of your sick mind.

I believe in what I see and what I hear.

And you can't deny that you've lied to
me.

I told you that Androcles was not in
Atlantis.

I suppose you think that poor madman is
your friend.

Your very best friend for whom you were
willing to leave your home and sacrifice

your life.

But why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to spare you further grief.

As far as you are concerned, Androcles
is dead.

Now I do not know whether it is better
to have pity on him and let him go on

suffering in his madness, or whether
to... No.

If you have pitied him up to now, I beg
you to continue to pity him.

And to forgive me for having doubted the
sincerity of your feelings.

Take him away and see that he is well
treated.

Do not worry about Androcles.

Perhaps if you decide to stay here
together, we can nurse him back to

That is, if you so desire.

Rufy, alert!

Here, drink this wine.

It will put your spirit at rest.

I hope that tomorrow you will have
decided to remain here for as long as

wish.

Even for the rest of your life.

Spitters are quitters.

There were two strangers.

No one from here would have dared to
attack us.

So, only two men managed to overcome ten
of you.

Antinea, send me back with new men. I
assure you this time they won't get

I beg you.

I swear it.

Such a thing won't happen again.

Yes, you're right.

It won't happen again.

No, no!

Don't put me in the acid!

No, don't kill me!

No!

I've had to imprison Androcles.

In such a state of mind, he could easily
be dangerous.

Dangerous for whom?

Dangerous for Atlantis.

I am the Queen of Atlantis. It is I who
decide about life and death.

Open it!

Poor Androcles.

Too fragile for the weight he had to
support.

Now somebody else will sit on the throne
that was destined for him.

Hercules.

Take him to the valley and let him die
like the rest of the weaklings.

And then go find me Ismene and kill her.

Kill her!

He couldn't have escaped through the
window. The bars are intact.

Where is he?

He can't have disappeared.

Find him if you value your life.

The soldier.

They've got Angicles. Let's go after
them. You're mad. They'll kill you. I

want to follow them. See where they put
him. Come on.

Here comes the boy.

Get him. Get him. Get him.

Did you hurt yourself?

It's Angles.

another customer?

Yes, there he is.

Take him down and lower him into the
pit.

And feed all the rest of them while
you're there.

This movie had a cast of thousands, but
not a single actor.

Here I am.

May Zeus be praised.

I thought you were swallowed up by the
sea along with that cursed ship.

Both of us believe that you were
drowned, too.

Afterwards, when Hylas helped me free
that girl... Hylas?

What is Hylas doing here?

But he was on the ship when I said so
behind me.

Pilate, what are you going to do?

There are too many.

If we were helped by the men of the
valley, we'd be able to finish them off

easier.

What the phallus is that saying?

You can't do that by yourself. Even if
you should break through, the guards

would hear. It's better to run, hide
ourselves.

If my father finds me here with a girl,
he'll never let me out of the house.

I'd better do something useful before he
gets hold of me.

Then we can hide somewhere.

care to put him in there.

May Zeus be praised.

He's alive.

these open sores that cover our bodies.

It's Antoneo who's done this, treating
us like animals.

And every day we curse the fates who
keep us alive and that monstrous queen

put us here to sleep. But why?

What is the meaning of all this? To
create a new race.

Up there in the Mountain of the Dead is
a miraculous rock which has the power to

change all men.

Change men?

What do you mean?

I don't know.

I only know that we are doomed.

Every year the guards of Antonia choose
the children destined to be changed by

the rock and its powers.

A few resist, others don't.

Those boys that I saw?

Yes, we were like them before we were
taken to the mountain many years ago.

Look at us now.

We are the few who resisted the rock and
its influence. Those who succumbed have

never been seen since.

Many say that they now live in the world
of the supernatural, creatures of evil,

invincible.

I'll go to the mountain. Better to
attack Atlantis. No, Hercules is right.

We will never be really free until we
destroy the power that rocked forever.

I will go with you.

Wait for me here and take care of
Androcles.

When I return, we shall decide what to
do. Yes, Father.

Come along.

Don't be sad.

Just wait.

Before long, it'll all be over.

We'll go to Greece together.

Life is different there.

And in spring, it's unbelievable.

We'll just think about all our todays
and no tomorrows.

Stranger, come!

We're going to attack the city!

You're all mad.

You heard the orders from my father.

We all want to hurt you, but he can't
give us orders now.

If you're afraid, stay here with your
father.

But we want our revenge.

I must

try to stop them. Look after Androcles
and his maiden. I've got him with my

life. Tyler!

Oh, this movie stinks.

There. There is the source of good and
evil for all men.

Look. Down there is the fiery rock which
holds the secret of life or death.

You don't believe me, Hercules.

You think I'm mad.

The suffering has warped my mind. Is
that it?

But what if it's true?

You can't believe that a piece of rock
can destroy a man as we know him.

You can't believe that a piece of rock
can change bodies as well as minds.

That rock may give us life, Hercules.

But it also brings death.

With dead men who warped Hercules.

Unbelievable horror!

It was his destiny.

I'm sure he's better off where he is
now.

When the light touched that man, he
disappeared.

The rock can also take life.

Who are you, priest?

There's no sign of years on your face,
nor the passing of time in your eyes. In

ages past, before Zeus, your father,
reigned over the earth and over mankind,

another god, immense and powerful,
dominated Olympus, Uranus.

Betrayed by his own sons, Uranus was
struck down and thrust into the great

unknown.

Did he just say something was thrust
into Uranus?

...needed that divine cleansing rain,
only a few drops fell on Atlantis,

us the heirs to all the powers of
Uranus.

And the blood of the god became a rock,
living and vibrant, a rock that gave

light and darkness, good and evil.

Antonia, the queen of the island, was
eager to make use of the rock's powers.

Hundreds of years have passed, ages of
evil rituals and murders.

Now, after much searching, Antony has
found the mystic secrets of Uranus and

will use them to make herself
omnipotent, destroying all mankind and

You are a priest, Satan. How can you
speak so of death and destruction?

I was the last high priest dedicated to
Uranus.

And I still worship here at his sacred
shrine.

I'll serve him forever.

Uranus was a just god.

You guys have been taking shots, right?
Every time they see Uranus?

The blood of Uranus can never be
destroyed by no one on this earth.

The rock of the god will only lose its
power when touched by a force above and

beyond this earth on which we live.

You know the secret of this force, save
it, tell me.

I can reveal to only one man the secret
mysteries of the god, but he must show

me that he is stronger than the rock
itself.

Take this power, Hercules, and
demonstrate your strength.

Do not do this out of pride.

This you know.

It is only to cause the hearts of stone
to swell up with pity, to let their eyes

fill with tears, the tears of common
humanity.

Do not abandon me in this trial.

the rays of the sun can destroy the rock
of Uranus. When a man can remove that

stone and a ray of sunlight shines upon
the rock, then we will see the end of

the reign of Antinea, of Atlantis, and
of all its inhabitants.

Thank you, Zanet, and have no fear.

I will succeed in defeating Antinea
without destroying Atlantis or her

inhabitants.

With the help of my companions, I shall
put an end to her reign.

Oh, I'm Z!

That's... Oh, my Zeus.

Seriously, though, this movie ain't for
Sisyphuses.

Sisyphi?

Oh, well, just when we think we're done
pushing that ball called tonight's movie

up the hill, here it comes, barreling
back down on us. And the last thing I

tonight are balls on my head.

Oh, stick around. This movie is actually
starting to get good.

Yeah, I know, but I gotta tell him
something to get him back.

Aristocles, bring me more wine.

Orifice, my fan.

Androgynous, take off my sandals.

Mentholiptus, I need a cough drop.

Boy, there's nothing like having slaves,
is there?

They sure don't call them the good old
days for nothing.

You know, we're almost at the end of our
Greek odyssey.

Emphasis on the odd.

So, sit tight and hold on to Uranus as
we slide into the conclusion of Hercules

and the captive women.

Epidermis! Cucumber mask!

Epidermis?

Oh, they drank the Kool -Aid.

Where's my son?

Where's Hercules?

Have no fear.

Your son is alive.

He is safe.

Why didn't you have him killed?

Why did you spare him?

Because of you, Hercules.

Listen to me.

I could have had your son killed and
with him your friend.

I could have had you killed too.

Perhaps I should have.

For that is what my people advised me.

But I did not heed their advice.

I wanted you to live.

I wanted you to live because I love you.

If you will join me in the conquest of
the world, all mankind will recognize me

as their queen and adore you as their
one and only God.

Love me, Hercules, and together we shall
reign over men and gods.

And how do you expect to conquer the
world?

One man at a time.

Back away from the creepy albino clones.

Slowly back away.

And so once again you have disobeyed me.

Yes, I know. But the slaves wanted to
attack the city, and there wasn't any

to stop them.

Where are the others?

I don't know.

Timotheus got away with his mania in
Androcles, but when I tried to join

was attacked.

I was hit from behind by one of the
strange men with white hair.

And when I came to, I found myself here.

Maybe they use magic.

I know what this room is.

The mist that rose up.

Androcles invoking my help.

This is the room where Androcles lost
his memory and consciousness.

And Antonia means to do the same thing
to us.

I knew it was you all the time.

Kill me, stupid.

Oh, yeah.

Where's his mate?

Captured. And Andrew is with him.

I tried to protect them.

I threw myself on those soldiers.

I fought like a lion.

I confused them.

I must have killed at least 50. But his
mate, he's a prisoner?

Yes. Where is he?

Down on that ship.

She and Andrew please her to be
sacrificed.

They'll set fire to the ship and let it
drift away in the winds.

We've got to get aboard that ship.

What did you say?

Start yelling.

Right now?

You heard me. Call for help. Have you
lost your mind? I told you to start

yelling. Help somebody.

Help. He's a lunatic. Help.

We haven't seen the signal.

I carry the Queen's orders. Move!

Oh, my God! Finally, a captive woman!

Finally. Stay quiet, stupid.

And you, yes! Help!

In a short while, the ship will be
aflame and the waves of the sea satiated

not seek other victims.

And thus they will protect the voyage of
our warrior.

There's the signal. I'll set the ship
afire.

Cut Timotheus loose.

Be quick.

Hercules!

What's going on? What ship is this?
Where are we bound?

Don't you remember anything?

There was a shipwreck.

I fell overboard.

I called your name.

It was a bright light shining.

I don't remember anymore.

So then you don't know what you did.

What? What did I do?

You saved all of Greece.

Loose be praised, it's over.

Guy, but what happened to all the Greek
orgies?

I mean, and for a movie that started in
Thebes, there sure weren't many thespian

love scenes.

Ugh, this movie was just one big
disappointment after another.

Well, actually, there were more than two
disappointments.

But we made it. We endured rubber
lizards, men in miniskirts, and some

who's horning in on my act.

Well, listen, sister, it'll be a cold
day in hell before I retire my place on

this couch.

You must die.

Hmm, I hadn't thought of that.

Well, here's to me living to host
another day.

Here's to my big, fat Greek urns. And
here's to Uranus.

Unpleasant dream.