All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S51E02.Amy.Poehler.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

I call this.

Session of the Senate Judiciary
Committee to order Senators

Durbin, Whitehouse,
Klobuchar, Blumenthal,

and the aggressively folksy
senator from candidate

folksy Senator Kennedy
of Louisiana presiding.

Thank you most kindly.

As we shake down
around the bayou

this year, Attorney general
got some splaining to do.

Yes, and she will welcome back,
Madam Attorney general.

What's up nerds?

Curious to be here.

Do you affirm the testimony
you're about to give before

this committee
will be the truth?

The whole truth, and nothing
but the truth, so help you God?

No. Thank you.

Would you like
to make an opening statement?

Yes I would.
My name is Pam Bondi.

I spell it with an eye

because I ain't going to answer
any of your questions.

My time is valuable.

The DOJ has many ongoing
operations, and we're moving

like Kash Patel's eyeballs

very quickly
in multiple directions at once.

Very good.

Ma'am, the chair recognizes
Senator Blumenthal.

Madam attorney general.

Did President Trump direct you
to prosecute

his political opponents?

Before I don't answer,
I'd like to insult you

personally, Senator Blumenthal.

Look at this, honky.

Even people in Connecticut go.

Damn, that guy's white as hell.

Okay.

That's
just one of the many roast

style burns
that I have here on this paper.

Don't make me use them.

I'll ask again.

Did the president direct you
to indict James Comey?

I'm not going to discuss
my private conversations

with the president.

I'm not telling you
who said what,

or who fell asleep
in the middle of a sentence, or

who kept calling me Ivanka
while patting his lap.

The chair recognizes
Senator Whitehouse.

Good.

Because you know what
I want to talk about Jeffrey

Epstein.

I really thought

more senators were going to clap
anyway.

Did the FBI find photos
of the President Trump

with half naked young women
when they raided Mr.

Epstein's property? Sir,

I'm not even going to dignify
that question with a lie.

The chair recognizes
Senator Kennedy.

We okay now?

You said you got lips
list of this

Epstein fellow's
point fringe on your desk.

So, I believe a show job
to tell us who's on that list.

Damn. They got on your desk.

I tried reading the Epstein
files, but I got really bored.

It's so repetitive.

Trump this, Trump that. Yawn.

Moving on.

The chair recognizes
ranking member Dick Durbin.

Yeah, I recognize Dick Durbin.

His name sounds like something.

Did he got arrested for.

That's from my burn book.

And while we're at it,

Amy Klobuchar, your ass out here
sounding like a Pokemon.

I choose you, but your.

You got me.

I'm going to ask
my question now.

How can the president justify
deploying troops

against American citizens?

How did you see that?

He pushed me.

I did not.

He just called me a bitch.

No, I didn't.

Now, why is the president
sending troops to my home state.

To protect your people?

And I wish you love Chicago
as much as you hate

President Trump.

How long you've been working on
that line?

Three full months.

You say
that the troops are there

to protect Ice facilities,

but why is Ice there
in the first place?

I don't. Know.

You'll have to ask Homeland
Security Director Kristi Noem.

Well, she isn't here.

What if she is? Go.

Hold my gun.

That's right.

It's me, Kristi Noem.

I spell my name with an i

because that's how
I thought it was spelled.

And I'm the rarest type
of person in Washington,

D.C., a brunet that Donald Trump
listens to.

I'm here to tell you

that this Democrat government
shutdown needs to end now.

Well, the Democrats
are even more eager

to end the shutdown
than our Republican colleagues.

That makes me laugh
more than the end of Old Yeller.

When the dogs get shot.

Dogs don't just get shot, hero.

Shoot them.

Speaking of

heroes, our government
agents are working without pay.

Luckily,
my boys at ice don't mind.

They're in it.
For the love of the game.

And how did I find them?

By running ads like this.

Do you need a job now? Yeah.

Are you a big, tough guy?

Yeah.

Tough enough for the army
or police? No.

But do you take supplements
that you bought at a gas station

daily?
Do you like your zip ties?

Because people in your life
don't trust you with keys.

You know it.

Then buckle up and slap
on some oakleys.

Big boy, welcome to ice.

Does that answer your question?

No. Not even a little bit.

Then our work here is done.

>>> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT!

SATURDAY NIGHT!

**

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE"!

WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST,
ROLE MODEL

AND YOUR HOST
AMY POEHLER

>> Announcer: LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, AMY POEHLER!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

And. Thank you so much.

I am so excited to be here
tonight.

SNL is such a special place
to me.

I found my first love here
being famous.

And you know, I'm still on
some of the amazing medications

they put me on,
so I will be forever grateful.

For those wondering,

I'm not here to talk about
a big movie or TV project,

but now that I have
your attention,

I am looking
for an angel investor

for my very elite brand of low

sugar, high tequila sodas

called Polar's Colas, which,

just like me, are banned
in the state of Connecticut.

But life is great.

I got my new podcast.

Good.

Hang on.

Spun.

That's right.

I am a podcaster now.

And if that's not a recession
indicator, I don't know what is.

But tonight is actually a
very special night for the show.

Not just because I'm here,
but because 50 years ago today

on October 11th, 1975,

the very first episode
of SNL aired.

And it was.

And that episode.

Was hosted by George Carlin.

And just like George Carlin,
I am extremely

high.

But, you know, the world
looked a lot different in 1975.

For one thing, one, women
couldn't even have

credit cards yet.

Yeah, but now I'm kind of like,
somebody take my credit

card away, am I right?

I made them put that in.

But it's always a dream
come true to be here.

I remember watching the show
in the 70s, sitting in my house

in Burlington,

Massachusetts, thinking,
I want to be an actress someday,

at least until they invent
an AI actress

who's funnier
and willing to do full frontal

for 50 years. Wow.

You know
what's nice about turning 50?

You start to not care about what
people think.

And that's
what's so great about SNL.

She's obviously stopped caring,

but no matter
the age, it's never too late

to make new friends.

Say hello to the newest cast
members everywhere.

Maybe

we're so excited this year.

Keep it moving.

We don't know each other yet.

Keep in.

Okay.

Anyway, before we start

the show,
I just wanted to say one thing.

I know it can feel like
times are very tough right now.

And in some ways,
they always have been.

And they always will be.

So I'll just say this.

If there's a place
it feels like home

that you can go back to
and laugh with your friends.

Consider yourself
lucky. And I do.

And to that little I robot

watching TV right now, who wants
to be on this stage someday,

I say to you,

beep boop beep.

Which translates to

you'll never be able to write a
joke, you stupid robot.

And I am willing to do front,
full frontal.

But nobody's asked me.

Okay?

Role Model is here

So stick around we|ll
be right back

This is my childhood home.

I'm so excited
to meet your family.

Oh, they're excited
to meet you, too.

But before we go in,

I should say they can seem
a little cold at first.

Oh, babe, I'm sure it's fine.
I'm amazing with parents.

I've done this
hundreds of times.

Oh, wait.

Hundreds.

Mom! Dad! Grandma!

I'm home.

Oh, hi.

Welcome home, I guess

so, yeah,

as I was saying,

Anyways.

Yeah.

Okay.

Mr. Rudman.

Nice to meet you.

Amanda tells me
you work at NASA.

I work at NASA.

You mean I'm employed

by the National Aeronautics
and Space Administration, then?

Yeah.

I mean. I,

yeah, that actually

is exactly what I meant.

Anyway, I guess

I'll go get the queso dip

Us two.

I mean, what,

What?

So I think they like you.

Serious?

Like, their tone is so, like,
offended.

Hey, sis. And.

Oh, cool.

There's a random guy
in my house.

Nice.

Can I get you something
to drink?

Yeah.

I guess if you're having one,
I'll have a beer.

Whoa.

At 10 a.m..

He's a real keeper, sis.

I mean, what?

I know right?

I can feel like I'm, like,
blowing this right now.

Oh, no.
This is the best ever gone.

Oh, I'll get the landline.

We randomly still have.

Rudeman residence.

Yeah, I know.

I'm the one who made
the appointment for tomorrow.

Well,

thanks for the reminder.

Like what?

What is going on?

Why do they all talk like

they're a cashier
at Buffalo Exchange?

It's.

It's just how they talk.

Anyways,
I got the cheese dip. Yes.

Oh, hey, do you want some help
carrying that?

I. Think I can handle a.

Little,

I'm fine, but,
Thanks for the help.

I. Yeah.

So. Yeah, that just happened.

Nice catch. Man.

Okay. Stop, stop.

You know, I just
I can't win with you guys.

How would you like it
if I talked to you

the way you're talking to me?

Right. Wow.

Oh, like I was saying, no.

Don't you

ever speak to my family that way

so that just happened

Whoa.

Slow down here.

Look, I'm
not as young as I used to be,

and I knew I needed
to cut back on my drinking,

so I switched to
nonalcoholic beer.

Same great taste
as regular beer.

None of the booze.

Which meant I could finally have
a cold one with the fellas

while still doing the right
thing for me and my family.

But then I realized
I wasn't getting drunk,

which is kind of the point now.

Which is why now I drink non
nonalcoholic beer.

The first nonalcoholic beverage

that's over 96% of secondary
taste is nonalcoholic beer.

But with more alcohol

than any beverage
currently on the market.

I know.

Plus, I still get all
the social benefits of drinking

nonalcoholic beer
to look a good meal to drink.

It's called a non de
mayo of like gasoline.

Thanks.

Let's get out of here
See that hyphen right there.

That's what our lawyers call
the skeleton key.

That's
what makes all of this possible.

See? It's not technically a lie.

It's called a double negative,
and it tastes incredible.

Eric, you're sober.

And you've gained a few.

Looks like we're two things.

And the best part?

You can finally drink and drive.

Sir

You've been drinking today?

Just my non's, of course. Great.

So you won't mind
if I give you a breathalyzer?

Hey. Backup call for backup.

Oh, God. Non. Nonalcoholic beer.

Double
the negative. Double the party.

She's blunt.

She's clairvoyant.

And she's got a hard out
at seven.

She is like,
is the best psychic.

Hey, welcome to the show.

My name is Miss Lycas
I'm a fast psychic.

And as always,
I have a hard out at seven.

Joining me today is Tad Dowd,

author of the book
City of Ghosts.

Thanks for being here, Ted. Hey,
thanks for having me.

I have never seen the program,
but I'm really.

Yeah, well,
thanks for being here.

Now we got a bunch of sad,
desperate people

in the audience who want answers
from the beyond. The Shadows.

And I'm going to give them
those answers. Okay?

You and the tablecloth go. Hi.

My name is Angelina.

Angelina?
What's your question? Go.

Okay.

So 15 years ago,
my dad left our house to buy

a pack of cigarets,
and I haven't seen him since.

He's dead.

What?

Honey, he.

He died.

He drowned.

He drowned until he died.

And now he's his food.

Does that make sense to you?

No, but thank you.

Okay. Next.

Wow. Okay.

That was very fast.

Okay. Shut up. Next.

Hi. So I had a question
about my grandpa.

Who's dead?

Oh, I know, but,
is he here right now?

Does he have a message for me?

Yeah. He says hi from hell.

Does that make sense to you?

No, but thank you.

Okay.

Next. Hi.

So my husband is dead.

He died. He drowned next.

No, actually, he's right here.

Honey, I know, I know that he
drowned, but he's still alive.

And what's dead
is your marriage.

I am not looking at you.

You look like siblings.

He's cheating on you
with a woman as tall as he is.

Does that make sense to you?

Not at all. Yes, it does.

But thank you.

Thank you for what?

Why are you going so fast?

Because I just took
a colonoscopy drink,

and it's ran through me
like a Japanese bullet train.

That's next. Next.

So my father. Recently
passed. Away.

Honey. He's dead.

Thank you.

And now, as always,
we need to issue some

corrections for the predictions
I gave last episode.

Here we go.

Okay,
so those are that next. Hi.

So I've always wondered
who my biological mother is.

Well, honey, it ain't me.

The good news
is, it's Hilary Duff.

The bad news is, it's
not the one you're thinking of.

So sit your white ass down.

All right, let's go.
Go go go go.

Hi. She's dead.

Who is? You are.

Does that make
sense to you? Yep. Thank you.

Oh, that sound means the bullet
trains one station away.

So it's time
for the speed round.

That wasn't
the speed round. Okay.

Going down the line.

Dead.

Dead. Alive. Drowned. Burnt.

Drowned. Burnt.

Drowned. Drowned.

Drowned. Mary.

Esh. Kill.

Undiagnosed. Diabetes.

And if I haven't gotten to you
yet, just know

that the ghost of Hulk Hogan
says.

What?

What are you talking about?

Okay. One more. Bring it home.

Hi. Two years ago,
I was on the show,

and you told me

my brother was drowned, but
alive and thriving in Florida.

Yeah.

I just wanted to say thank you,

because thanks to you,
we found my brother.

And I'm
actually a huge fan of tags.

And I had a question
about his book.

Okay. Great. Finally.

So in your story
about Lisa, like, what are.

You in seven?

And this has been
another episode of miss.

Like, it's the fast cycle.

Is that missing? No. You.

And millions
of Americans tuned in for season

one of The Hunting Wives,

the straight but lesbian, horny
Republican murder drama.

And now it's back for more.

Well, I'm back from prison.

Look what the cat dragged in.

We had that same rush
to get you in record time.

The Hunting watch, season two.

All your faves are back,
and they're as naughty as ever.

Sophie, what can I get you?

I don't drink.

I'm an alcoholic.

Okay, but here's some whiskey.

Okay, I will.

Woo woo!

Thighs will be squeezed.

Not all guns will be drawn.

I think you killed that girl.

You take that back. Oh hell no.

Let's party,
y'all. In season. One.

Just breathe.

Sophie learned how to hunt,

but there's room
for lots more sensual teaching,

people magazine writes.

It's like, call me by your name.

For women who shop at Bass
Pro Shop.

I've never made chili before.

It's just you and the bean.

Plus even more, you know? Great.

You know, writing and wigs
that are doing their best.

Oh ho. Ho ho.

And who could forget the tea?

Are you cute?

You want to hook up?

I can't. I'm married
and you're 18.

Okay, let's hook up.

Okay, I will.

I haven't watched it.

Lies, the Washington
Post, rolling Stone raves.

Didn't some of these characters
die already?

It's like if the L word
took place in Yellowstone,

this show has healed
our nation, writes Ace Scott.

The robot now doing reviews
for the New York Times.

In one scene,
a woman took off her

entire outfit
to put in a tampon.

That was interesting
because the A.V. club.

And things get even crazier

when a new new girl
joins the group.

Hey, ladies, I'm new here.

I just moved from California.

We're just making mimosas.
Pull up a chair.

Oh, I've never made mimosas
before.

I'll show you.

Okay.

Just take it slow.

Well,
I got to make sure you shower

right?

So. New girl.

Do you have a nice California
boyfriend?

I don't have a boyfriend.
I have a girlfriend.

Lesbian, this is Texas

Don't watch it on a plane.

Coming into work.

Still, she's
nine months pregnant.

I know it's
okay to take some time off.

Okay. You no time for small
talk.

We're neck and neck with Fisher
and Sons

for a multimillion dollar
consulting deal, a floor attack.

We land this.

You can all expect a fat bonus.

Lorraine,
I know you're the manager,

but if you need to leave,
we can absolutely handle it.

Not necessary.

Yesterday
is technically my due date,

but should the baby arrive?
I obviously have a plan.

And in the meantime, let's land
this deal. Richard.

Go ahead.

Sure. Yeah.

Thank you. So

the key to

distinguishing our
company is in the client list.

We've implemented

successful strategies

for marketing for resulting in,
I don't know, over $1.8 billion

in revenue and an average of
a 300% increase year over year.

I'm sorry.

What is that?

It's my birthing pool.

And I'd love it if we could
avoid personal questions,

but if you must know, my water
broke.

Continue. Oh, your water broke.

Should we get you to
a hospital or.

Let's be adults.

Guys, not every birth takes
place in a hospital.

Plenty of people
have home births.

I happen to be having a work
birth.

Now, Richard. Go ahead.

Okay.

So I guess by starting

with our impressive
client list. Oh.

Sorry. Are you okay? Yeah.

That all sounds really great
so far.

While you were
screaming in agony.

Are you sure
you don't need a break?

I think mama's doing great.

Sorry.

Who is that guy? Hello.

I am Zechariah. I am her doula.

Thank you for welcoming me
into your temple of employment.

Where did you find him?

He's very respected on Facebook
Marketplace.

Now, Clare, let's hear
from your department, please.

You mocked up a deck, right?

Yes, I did.

Excuse me. Zachariah.

I put together

some of our fortune
200 growth charges

to visually demonstrate
our abilities.

Oh, something's horribly wrong.
What's wrong?

There's a typo in the header.

Clare.

Now, Lisa, how's com coming?

We're good.

I think we just want
to make sure

our relationships with
the client just go beyond the.

Are you kidding. Me?

All right,
just cleansing the energy.

Kind of a dog.

Water
aura coming from this direction.

Honey. Honey.

Excuse me. I'm here. Honey?

I came as fast as I could.

Okay. You're late.
Please sit down.

We're in the middle of a
meeting. Of course. So sorry.

Sitting in.

Sitting in. Continue. Okay.

Do you want us
to give you two a minute?

No no no no no, please.

I know my wife,
and I know she'd love it

if you guys would keep
the meeting going.

Oh, I think the baby's crowning.

Okay. Oh! Push. Mama,
you got this.

Okay.

Hubby, help me simulate
the motion of the tides.

Absolutely.

Was thrilled to.

Hear.

Anyways, as I was saying.

Oh, my God, it's so salty.

Yes! There we go, mama.

Shimmy that little worm.

Out into the USA.

Oh, this is not.

How do is.

Talk? Well, how would I know?

I've never done this before.

Excuse me.

I have a package for Ko.

Okey dokey.

I just saw a full
vegetable. Jeju.

So I guess my day is finished.

Good bye.

Oh! Oh

my God!

Where?

Where? Crazy, right?

For the child at work.
Who would do that?

I'll tell you who
the most amazing, hardworking

detail oriented woman
I've ever been birthed from.

My mother.

Come on. Mom.

What do
you say we go land that deal?

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ROLE

MODEL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

**

>> WHOO!

* WELL I MET SALLY AT A

LATE-NIGHT DIVE BAR

SHE DON'T DANCE

BUT SHE DOWNS HER DRINKS *

* HEARD THROUGH A FRIEND

SHE'S A BORN-AGAIN

WILDCARD *

* SHE WAS TELLING ME

WILD THINGS

OH SHE WAS TELLING ME

WILD THINGS *

* LIVES DOWN THE STREET

PAST THE 7-ELEVEN

JUST CLOSE ENOUGH

THAT I SPENT THE NIGHT *

* SHE GRABBED MY HAND

AT THE INTERSECTION

I SPILLED MY GUTS

AT THE RED LIGHT *

* SALLY

THAT FEELING'S

COMING AROUND *

* PLEASE DON'T GO

FALLING IN LOVE

THEN DISAPPEAR

WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT *

* SALLY

I'LL BUY A COUPLE

OF ROUNDS *

* DON'T LET ME THINK

I'M ENOUGH

THEN DISAPPEAR

WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT *

* YEAH *

**

* AH SALLY *

* WELL I OPEN UP WHILE SHE'S

FLIPPING THROUGH PAGES

GETTING LONELY AS

THE DAYS GET DARK *

* IF YOU'RE BORED AND

YOUR MIND STARTS CHANGING

MAYBE JUST GIVE ME

A HEAD START *

* AND I, I SEE THE GLASS

IN YOUR EYES

JUST TRYNA KEEP IT ALIVE

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD *

* SALLY

THAT FEELING'S

COMING AROUND *

* PLEASE DON'T GO

FALLING IN LOVE

THEN DISAPPEAR

WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT *

* SALLY

I'LL BUY A COUPLE

OF ROUNDS *

* DON'T LET ME THINK

I'M ENOUGH

THEN DISAPPEAR

WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT *

WHERE'S MY SALLY TONIGHT!

* AW -- HERE WE GO AGAIN

I'M FALLING HEADFIRST

ANKLES HIT THE TWO-STEP

SALLY MAKES MY HEAD HURT *

* HEARD THROUGH

THE GRAPEVINE

SHE CAN BE A DIVA *

* COLD LIKE MINNESOTA

HOTTER THAN A FEVER *

* AW -- HERE WE GO AGAIN

I'M FALLING HEADFIRST

ANKLES HIT THE TWO-STEP

SALLY MAKES MY HEAD HURT *

* HEARD THROUGH

THE GRAPEVINE

SHE CAN BE A DIVA *

* COLD LIKE MINNESOTA

HOTTER THAN A FEVER *

* SALLY

THAT FEELING'S

COMING AROUND *

* PLEASE DON'T GO

FALLING IN LOVE

THEN DISAPPEAR

WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT *

* SALLY

I'LL BUY A COUPLE

OF ROUNDS *

* DON'T LET ME THINK

I'M ENOUGH

THEN DISAPPEAR

WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT *

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

It's Weekend Update

with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you.
Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update I'm
Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well it is nice to start update
with some good news.

For once there is peace
in the Middle East.

The only downside is
there's war in Chicago.

Only Trump could Freaky Friday,
Chicago and Gaza.

And I know Trump is upset
that he didn't

win the Nobel Peace Prize,
but the last guy to send heavily

armed man into an American
city was Bane from Batman.

Bane, who was also
snubbed for the peace prize.

And Trump deserves credit.

I have to say, for brokering

this ceasefire in Gaza,
but I'm slightly skeptical

since Biden

also negotiated a ceasefire
in Gaza nine months ago.

Remember that? No.

Well, neither does Biden.

The actual Nobel Peace
Prize was awarded this week

to Venezuelan opposition leader
Maria Corina machado, or as Fox

News reported it, Trump robbed
by deranged Hispanic.

Many leaders in the Middle East
are crediting

President Trump with brokering
the Israel-hamas ceasefire.

But it makes perfect sense to me
because sometimes crazy

people only listen
to other crazy people.

Like when you see a guy

jacking it on the subway,
you don't just ask him to stop.

No, you got to take off
your pants, too.

And now we can negotiate.

Health care.

Health Secretary RFK Jr,
seen here

trying to cure cancer
with his mind.

Said this week

that men who were circumcised
are more likely to be autistic,

which isn't surprising
coming from a man who looks like

he's made out of foreskin.

Not mind

friendly.

President Trump
has reportedly become concerned

with Congresswoman

Marjorie Taylor Greene
criticizing Republicans on key

issues, with Trump, asking,
what's going on with Marjorie?

A little advice, bro.

Just let her go.

You can't change her.

God knows I've tried.

The U.S.

Treasury is planning to release
a silver dollar

with President Trump's
face on it.

And then on the other side,
he has Harriet

Tubman in a headlock.

The Trump administration
is also rolling out a video

at airports

in which Kristi Noem
will blame Democrats for flight

delays related to the government
shutdown.

Let's take a
look. I want to play a game.

It's memorable.

President Trump
issued a proclamation ending

Indigenous Peoples Day

and calling Christopher Columbus
the original American hero.

So while Trump is rounding up
people with ice, he's praising

Columbus, a guy who literally
brought boatloads of Hispanics

to America.

>>> AFTER A HISTORIC WIN IN THE

PRIMARIES, ZOHRAN MAMDANI IS NOW

THE FRONT-RUNNER IN THE NEW YORK

CITY MAYORAL RACE.

HERE TO COMMENT -- YEAH.

HERE TO COMMENT IS A VERY

CONCERNED NEW YORKER, RHONDA

LACINZO.

>> MICHAEL CHE, THANK YOU SO

MUCH FOR GIVING ME THIS

PLATFORM.

>> WELL, THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

I HAVE TO SAY, RHONDA, YOU HAVE

VERY PANICKED ENERGY ALREADY.

>> OH, ME?

WHY WOULD I BE PANICKED?

OH, I'M JUST THRILLED THAT OUR

CITY IS ABOUT TO BE TAKEN OVER

BY MY FAVORITE TYPE OF PERSON,

HOORAY, JIHADIST.

>> THAT'S PRETTY STRONG WORDS

OUT THE GATE.

>> WELL, CHE, HE ISN'T EVEN A

REAL NEW YORKER, CHE.

HE'S FROM UGANDA.

OKAY?

I'M A REAL NEW YORKER, CHE.

I'M FROM LONG ISLAND, CHE.

>> LONG ISLAND ISN'T IN NEW YORK

CITY.

YOU CAN'T EVEN VOTE IN THIS

ELECTION.

>> WELL, REALLY?

HOW COME I VOTED FOR CUOMO IN

THE PRIMARY 48 TIMES, CHE?

>> I DON'T KNOW BUT THAT'S

ILLEGAL.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT SHOULD BE

ILLEGAL, CHE, ALL OF MAMDANI'S

SOCIALIST POLICIES, FREE BUSES,

HUH?

RENT FREEZE, UNIVERSAL CHILD

CARE?

YOU KNOW, I READ THAT MAMDANI

HIMSELF SAID THAT HE'S GOING TO

ACT -- ENACT SHARIA LAW IN THE

CITY.

SHARIA LAW.

HE CAN'T DO THAT, CHE.

I KNOW SHARIA.

SHE'S MY NAIL TECH.

AND SHE SHOULD NOT BE LAW.

COFFEE,CH SNERKS.

>> NO.

WHERE ARE YOU READING THIS

STUFF?

>> "THE NEW YORK TIMES," CHE.

ON THEIR WEBSITE ON A COMMENT

FOR A RECIPE FOR A SALAD.

>> THAT SHARIA LAW THING IS NOT

TRUE, YOU KNOW THAT, RHONDA?

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IS TRUE,

CHE.

MAMDANI IS AN ISIS TRAINED FROM

UGANDA.

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, CHE.

HEY, CHE.

YOU THINK COLIN WOULD DO THAT

JOKE FOR ME IN EXCHANGE FOR A

PAIR OF MY PANTIES?

COFFEE, CHE?

>> NO.

>> COFFEE, CHE.

>> THAT SMELLS A LOT LIKE GIN.

WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR

INFORMATION?

>> HE TOLD ME TO MY FACE IN A

SEXUAL FANTASY YOUED A ABOUT

HIM.

>> YOU HAD A SEX DREAM ABOUT

HIM?

>> AND I'VE WRITTEN IT AS A

SCREEN PLAY.

>> WE OPEN ON TEHERAN.

WE HEAR THE MUSLIM CALL TO

PRAYER.

AND OUT OF A CLOUD OF HOOKAH

SMOKE TELLS THE BOLSHEVIK

HIMSELF.

HE DROPS HIS TOWEL REVEALING HIS

BIG, GIRTHY BUS.

AND TONIGHT, I'M RIDING IT FOR

FREE.

COFFEE, CHE?

COFFEE, CHE?

>> NO.

RHONDA, I THINK I'M CONFUSED.

THERE'S SO MUCH GIN IN THERE.

I'M CONFUSED WHY YOU CARE.

YOU DON'T LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY.

>> ONLY BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD

IT.

NO ONE CAN.

LISTEN, CHE, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT

OR NOT, LONG ISLANDERS MAKE NEW

YORK CITY WHAT IT IS.

OKAY?

WITHOUT US, WHO WOULD TAKE CALLS

ON SPEAKERPHONE DURING LION

KING?

OKAY?

WITHOUT US, WHERE WOULD ALL THE

MOST VIOLENT COPS LIVE?

>> STATEN ISLAND.

[ LAUGHTER ].

>> OKAY, RHONDA.

I JUST THINK SOME OF WHAT YOU'RE

SAYING IS PRETTY ISLAMOPHOBIC IS

ALL.

>> ISLAMAPHOBIC, CHE.

HOW DARE YOU.

HOW DARE YOU, CHE.

I'M NOT ISLAMOPHOBIC, CHE.

OKAY?

I'M JUST SCARED OF ALL MUSLIM

PEOPLE.

>> THAT IS WHAT ISLAMOPHOBIC

MEANS.

>> I AM THEN.

YES.

>> RHONDA, EVERYBODY.

COFFEE, CHE?

Former

Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez
has been accused of drunkenly

assaulting a delivery driver
before the driver stabbed him.

The penalties offset repeat
first downs.

If convicted, Sanchez could be
sent to prison or worse.

Back to the Jets.

OpenAI has updated its video
generating app Sora,

to allow users to create
cameos of themselves in videos,

and they're pretty realistic.

I mean, I made this one
before the show.

You suck. I'm

really excited for that
to just be out there.

Okay.

A growing number of Gen
Z men are moving back in

with their parents,
taking over household chores

and calling themselves
trad sons,

replacing the old name failures.

Arby's announced that they are
adding a new item to their menu.

Steak nuggets.

Although you can make your own
steak nuggets by eating

a bunch of Arby's.

A high school cheer
coach was arrested on charges

that she had sex with a male
student, said the coach.

Give me a D.

OKAY.

>>> ACCORDING TO EXPERTS,

OCTOBER IS THE MOST COMMON MONTH

FOR SINGLE PEOPLE TO ENTER

RELATIONSHIPS, COMMONLY KNOWN AS

CUFFING SEASON.

HERE TO COMMENT ARE GRANT AND

ALYSSA, THE COUPLE YOU CAN'T

BELIEVE ARE TOGETHER.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

>>> WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S

UP, COLIN, GREAT TO BE BACHMAN.

IT IS CUFFING SEASON AND I LOVE

IT.

I'M CUFFED AS HELL, BABY.

AND LET'S JUST SAY WHEN THE

OFFICER LOOKS LIKE THIS, YOU

DON'T RESIST ARREST.

[ LAUGHTER ].

>> THAT IS GREAT TO SEE YOU

GUYS, AS ALWAYS.

SO YOU LIKE THE FALL?

>> OH, MAN, MY BABY LOVES THE

FALL.

SHE'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW

MUCH SHE LOVES THE FALL.

TELL THEM, BABY, DON'T YOU LOVE

THE FALL.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH, MAN.

SHE AIN'T LYING.

MY BABY IS SO SMART, SHE DOESN'T

EVEN CALL IT FALL.

TELL THEM WHAT YOU CALL IT,

BABY?

>> AUTUMN.

>> WHAT?

WHAT EVEN IS THAT, GUYS?

I JUST CALL IT THE TIME WHEN THE

TREES LOSE THEIR HAIR.

[ LAUGHTER ].

BUT MY BABY IS SO FUNNY, COLIN.

SHE IS HILARIOUS.

THE OTHER DAY WE WERE APPLE

PICKING.

AND MY BABY TOLD THE FUNNIEST

THING.

TELL THEM WHAT YOU SAID AT THE

APPLE PLACE, BABY.

>> I SAID PLEASE CALM DOWN.

>> MY BABY IS HILARIOUS, COLIN.

YEAH.

AND WE BOTH LOVE HALLOWEEN.

BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.

>> I'M FASCINATED BY HIS PAGAN

ORIGINS.

>> YEAH.

I LIKE SEEING LITTLE KIDS

DRESSED AS SPIDERMAN SO I GET TO

SEE MY FAVORITE SUPERHERO WHAT

HE WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE WHEN

HE WAS LITTLE.

[ LAUGHTER ].

>> WOW.

THAT'S SO DUMB.

ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO DO

COSTUMES THIS YEAR?

>> I'LL BE GOING AS SYLVIA

PLAQUE.

IT'S THE ONE DAY OF THE YEAR YOU

CAN DRESS LIKE A SLUT.

[ LAUGHTER ].

>> DAMN, BABY.

I'LL BE WHAT I AM EVERY YEAR,

MIKE WAZOSKI!

>> THAT'S A HORN.

WE ALSO LIKE TO CARVE PUMPKINS

TOGETHER, COLIN.

>> OH, OH.

I WANT TO SEE.

>> I MADE THISSED A ON ODE TO

EDGAR ALLEN POST, THE REIGN.

>> LOOK AT THIS.

LOOK AT THAT, COLIN.

LOOK HOW TALENTED MY BABY IS.

>> AND I MADE THIS ONE.

I THINK I MADE THE NOSE TOO BIG.

[ LAUGHTER ].

BUT MY FAVORITE PART OF

HALLOWEEN COMES AT NIGHTTIME,

COLIN.

>> RIGHT.

WHEN YOU GO TRICK OR TREATING.

>> CLOSE.

TELL THEM, BABY.

>> OH, WHEN AFTER A LONG DAY OF

FESTIVE FUN, I TAKE HIM TO THE

BEDROOM, LIGHT MY GOOD CANDLE

AND I JACKAL ON HIS LANTERN.

>> ALYSSA AND GRANT, EVERYONE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

>>> AWARDED THE NOBEL PRIZE IN

LITERATURE FOR HIS COMPELLING

AND VISIONARY IN THE MIDST OF

APOCALYPTIC TERROR REAFFIRMS THE

POWER OF ART.

THE TITLE HIS BOOK "YOU GOT TO

WASH YOUR ASS."

[ LAUGHTER ].

>> THAT WOULDN'T BE TITLE.

>> PROBABLY NOT, NO.

>>> MONDAY WAS NATIONAL

GERMAN-AMERICAN DAY WHICH MY

FAMILY HAS BEEN CELEBRATING EVER

SINCE THEY HASTILY MOVED HERE IN

1945.

>> OH MY GOD.

[ LAUGHTER ].

>> WHAT DID I DO TO EVERYONE?

>>> A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE BROKE A

HOSPITAL RECORD AFTER GIVING

BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY.

IT'S THE FIRST BABY TO EVER BUST

OUT SAYING, OH, YEAH!

>> OKAY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

WHOA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

>> WHOA.

WHAT!

>> STOP, STOP, STOP.

I'VE BEEN HERE OUT HERE ALL

NIGHT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO -- CHEER FOR

ME.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT AM I

DOING HERE!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, A WOMAN HAS A

13 POUND BABY AND THAT'S THE

BEST YOU DO.

>> YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER.

>> OH, I KNOW I CAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, IT'S

TIME FOR A GOOD OLD FASHION

WEEKEND UPDATE JOKE-OFF.

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

>> WOW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

>> IT'S A JOKE-OFF.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

>> YEAH.

>> WEEKEND UPDATE JOKE-OFF.

MY FIRST WIFE AND MY SECOND

WIFE, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU.

>> OKAY.

I THINK WE ALL KNOW THE RULES.

>> UH-HUH.

>> OR NOT.

ONE MORE TIME, I'LL JUST SET IT

UP FOR US.

A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE BROKE A

HOSPITAL RECORD AFTER GIVING

BIRTH TO A 1 POUND BABY AND GO.

>> A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO A 13

POUND BABY WHICH WAS SO BIG HE

SLAPPED THE DOCTOR ON HIS A-SS.

>> A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO A 13

POUND BABY AND THE NEW BABY'S

NAME IS AH!

>> BUZZ.

A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO A 13 POUND

BABY, DAMN, DID SHE GIVE BIRTH

TO IT OR DID IT DRIVE OUT?

[ LAUGHTER ].

>> HERE IS A FUN FACT, SECOND

THE BABY WAS OUT THE WOMAN

ZIPPED AROUND THE ROOM LIKE A

DEFLATED BALLOON.

[ LAUGHTER ].

>> BOING.

A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE GAVE BIRTH

TO A SP POUND BABY BECAUSE IT'S

TENNESSEE AND THE BABY WAS ALSO

PREGNANT.

[ LAUGHTER ].

>> HONK.

A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO A 13 POUND

BABY.

THE BABY'S NICKNAME IS MAGICIAN

BECAUSE IT BASICALLY SAWED HIS

MOTHER IN HALF.

[ LAUGHTER ].

>> BUZZER SOUND.

A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE BROKE A

HOSPITAL RECORD AFTER GIVING

BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY AND

THEN SHE BROKE OFF HER HUSBAND'S

PENIS TO MAKE SURE IT NEVER

HAPPENED AGAIN.

>> A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE GAVE

BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY.

THE DOCTOR SAID IT'S A BOY, BOY,

BOY, BOY, BOY.

[ LAUGHTER ].

>> A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE BROKE A

HOSPITAL RECORD AFTER GIVING

BIRTH TO 13 POUND BABY THE LUCID

VAGINA THAT WAS PREVIOUSLY HELD

BY ME.

>> WHAT?

>> YOU WON.

>> YEAH, WE WON.

>> DID YOU?

>> "WEEKEND UPDATE JOKE-OFF" FOR

"WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M COLIN JOST.

>> I'M MICHAEL CHE.

>>> GOOD T!

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Sure.

Now we are by far
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Laugh, please. And you?

Hi, I'm Jack, you law

and I also have 400 years
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But thanks to my new partners.

We are a combined 400 years

and nine months
of legal experience. Wow.

Oh, not so fast.

Do not be afraid.

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And if you've been injured
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I'll get you paid.

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All right,
so I'm down in Cyprus, right?

I'm in the form of a swan.

Right.

Looking for some strange,
you know, like I do.

Get. I got hit with a cart
full of ornate clay pots.

But each casino got me
50,000 drachmas.

Thank you. Good to see you.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, ROLE MODEL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

**

* IT'S CLOSING TIME

AND I'M LEAVING

YOU'RE HOLDING ON

TO SOMEONE NEW *

* ARE YOU STILL PICKING UP

THE PIECES

AM I STILL WORRIED

ABOUT YOU *

* WHY YES I AM

AND I ALWAYS WILL *

* YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

BE SOME PROTECTOR *

* HOLDING ON FROM A DISTANCE

I'D NEVER WANNA INTRUDE *

* DOES HE LOVE YOU

ANY DIFFERENT

AM I STILL SOUNDING

LIKE A FOOL *

WHY YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL YES I

AM AND I ALWAYS WILL BE SOME

PROTECTOR SOME PROTECTOR SOME

PROTECTOR TO YA **

**

* AM I GUILTY AM I SORRY

DO I MISS YOU AT THE PARTY

AM I DRAGGING THIS FOREVER *

* AM I THINKING

'BOUT SEPTEMBER *

* AM I WRECKING REPUTATION

WHILE YOU'RE MAKING

RESERVATIONS *

* AM I LYING TO MY MOTHER

THAT SOMEDAY

I'LL FIND ANOTHER *

* YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

**

* AND I ALWAYS WILL *

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

Eat a cat.

I made
my famous rice and spaghetti.

Should we wait for mom or.

Let me guess.

Your mother is out again.

This is crazy.

She's having, like,
a total midlife crisis.

Kids, it's just a phase.

First it was pickle ball, then
3D printing, costume jewelry.

I don't know,
this feels different.

Oh. Hey, mom. Hey.

What mess?

I made dinner.

Okay. I'm not hungry.

Go to my room.

Sit down. We need to talk.

Oh my God.

So, where were you tonight?

Nowhere.

And who were you with?

No one. Oh,

dad, are you going to say
something?

Kids, it's
okay to try new things.

After all, your mom supported me
when I bought that Vespa.

Let her be your baby now.

It's bubble gum. Mint bitch.

Mom, we know this is a weird

time for you,
and your body is, changing.

So we got you this book.

When a period becomes a comma
about perimenopause.

Oh, my God, you're
so embarrassing.

Don't talk about my body.

Kids, your mother's changing
body is between her and the girl

at Claire's
who pierced her areolas.

Oh my God.

You know, I don't need this
attitude at home.

Did it ever occur to you
I'm getting bullied at school?

You're the superintendent.

David, get the door.

I mean, I'm one of skanks.

I told you to wait for me down
the block.

We're going to go
sit on the swings

and watch anime on our phones.
Dude, this is your house.

I know it sucks here.

Literally everybody by two moms.

Oh, God.

Oh my God. Shut up, shut up.

Hello.

Hi, Linda.

Hi. How are you? No.
Everything's fine.

It's really, really good. Yeah.

Okay, well,
I will get that Hvac fixed

because it is important to me
as well.

Okay. Have a great day.

Work sucks, and then you die.

My mom.

Okay.

Everybody out.

All right. What? No.

Not you. Dad!

Sorry, mom.

We got what you're going
through.

Oh, really?

Try living one day in my twisted
reality.

Raising two kids.

Taking care of my aging parents.

Life is a nightmare.

This is blurry.

No pants.

Alex, we're on the ground.

That's my life

Also

I forgot my AC password.

Got it.

Yeah. Up.

I know life is hard, mom.

We just miss you.

Look, kids, I still am.

Your mom and I love this family.

And you want to know
where I was tonight?

Getting a tattoo of us.

So I'll always have you with me.

Oh, cool.

Oh, it's so exciting.

Life is dangerous.

>> ALL RIGHT, STUDENTS.

TODAY IS OUR MASTER CLASS WITH

COMPOSERS FROM THE TELEVISION

INDUSTRY.

THEY'VE MADE OPENING TITLE SONGS

FOR SOME OF TODAY'S BIGGEST

SHOWS.

PLEASE WELCOME, LEONARD

MARGARITA AND LYDIA CALABASAS.

>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING US.

IT'S AN HONOR AND PRIVILEGE TO

BE HERE AT JUILLIARD.

>> WE LOVE TALKING TO YOUNG

COMPOSERS IN OVERTURE OF THEIR

LIVES.

>> NICE.

SO, YOU GUYS MADE THE OPENING

THEME FOR "SEVERANCE," ONE OF

THE MOST ICONIC TITLE SONGS OF

THE DECADE.

LET'S HEAR A LITTLE BIT.

>> HAUNTING STUFF.

I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO TELL US,

WHERE DID IT START?

>> WELL, WE HAD SOME

CONVERSATIONS ABOUT STORY AND

THE DARK TONE OF THE SHOW.

>> YEAH.

WE TOOK THAT AND WE MADE A FIRST

DRAFT.

>> WELL, WE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR

THAT FIRST DRAFT.

COULD YOU PLAY IT FOR US?

>> CERTAINLY.

* LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A THING

CALLED SEVERANCE *

>> TAKE A BIG KNIFE AND CUT YOUR

BRAIN IN HALF *

* ONE HALF FOR WORK, ONE HALF

FOR SEX, TUNE IN, SIT DOWN, IT'S

SEVERANCE *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

>> ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?

>> YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS

RESPECTFULLY.

SO, I GUESS I WON'T TRY.

WHY DID YOU MAKE THAT?

>> THESE DAYS EVERY OPENING SONG

IS A CREEPY, MOODY INSTRUMENTAL.

WHAT HAPPENED TO TELLING PEOPLE

THE PLOT OF THE SHOW?

>> WHAT IS THE SHOW?

WHERE IS THE SHOW?

SHE WAS WORKING AT A BRIDAL SHOP

IN FLUSHING QUEENS.

AND BOOM.

I'M TRANSPORTED TO THE NANNY.

>> BUT THAT'S NOT THE PLOT OF

SEVERANCE.

THEY DON'T TAKE A BIG KNIFE AND

CHOP YOUR BRAIN IN HALF.

>> ALSO YOU SAID ONE HALF FOR

WORK.

ONE HALF FOR SEX.

THAT'S NOT WHAT SEVERANCE IS.

>> PERMISSION TO USE CORPORAL

PUNISHMENT ON HER?

>> UNFORTUNATELY NO.

YOU GUYS ALSO DID THE OPENING

FOR "THE PITT."

TRULY HAUNTING.

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT THAT

PROCESS.

>> WELL, IT WAS PRETTY STRAIGHT

FORWARD.

THE PRODUCERS DESCRIBED A SHOW

ABOUT THE TRAUMA FACED BY E.R.

WORKERS IN PITTSBURGH.

>> SO WE USED THAT AND CAME ONE

THIS.

* PITTSBURGH IS THE PLACE TO

BE *

* BRIDGES AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN

SEE *

* A BRIDGE, A BRIDGE, A BRIDGE A

BRIDGE *

* WELL TO "THE PITT" *

>>> ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ON

THAT?

>> DOES "THE PITT" EVEN HAVE AN

OPENING THEME.

>> UH, AFTER THEY HEARD WHAT WE

DID, NO?

>> WHY DO THESE ALL SOUND LIKE

"THE FRESH PRINCE OF BELL AIR"?

>> OH, TEACH, PLEASE LET ME PUT

BELT TO ASS.

>> I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE SAYING

STUFF.

>> WE ACTUALLY DID MAKE THE

FRESH PRINCE SONG.

AND HERE IS WHAT THE FIRST DRAFT

OF THAT SOUNDED LIKE.

**

>> WAIT.

HOLD ON.

SO THAT ONE STARTED AS A SERIOUS

INSTRUMENTAL?

>> I HAVE TO SAY, YOUR GUY'S

BEST WORK WAS THE OPENING THEME

FOR "THE GILDED AGE" A SHOW

ABOUT NEW YORK IN THE 1880s.

LET'S HEAR A LITTLE BIT OF THAT.

**

>> YEAH THAT GAVE US A LITTLE

BIT OF TROUBLE.

SO WE BROUGHT IN OUR MENTOR.

>> INDEED.

INDEED.

THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

I WOULD LIKE TO SHOW SOME LOVE

AND SHOW YOU OUR FIRST DRAFT.

THE THEME SONG IS LOADING.

* IN THE YEAR 2153 *

* IN FORMATION DOMINATION *

* THE GILDED AGE *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

>> I'LL TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS NOW.

>> SO RIGHT OFF THE BAT, THE

GILDED AGE ISN'T THE YEAR 2153.

>> CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HIT THE

GIRL SITTING IN FRONT OF HIM.

>> I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING.

BUT I DO HAVE ONE MORE QUESTION.

>> IT BETTER BE GOOD.

[ LAUGHTER ].

>> MY QUESTION IS, I JUST WOULD

REALLY LOVE TO HEAR THE

"SEVERANCE" SONG AGAIN.

>> OH.

* LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A THING

CALLED SEVERANCE *

THEY TAKE A BIG KNIFE CUT YOUR

BRAIN IN HALF.

*

* ONE HALF FOR WORK,

>>> THANK YOU TO ROLE MODEL!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ].

SETH MEYERS.

CHARLIE XCS.

TINA FEY.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO MY PARENTS.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I LOVE YOU ALL.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME

BACK AGAIN.

IT'S ALWAYS A DREAM OF A LIFE

TIME TO BE HERE.

THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT!

>> GOOD JOB, EVERYBODY.

>> GOOD JOB.

**

**

**

**

**

**