All language subtitles for Elviras Movie Macabre Beast From Haunted Cave-01

Oh, Camille, hi, thanks. You were the
best prop mistress ever, but, you know,

we're just scaling back this season. No
more props.

Oh, but thanks for printing those.

Oh,

look, makeup girl.

What's your name?

Oh, Paige, Paige. You know, you were
really great, but it looks like I'm

to be lighting my own lips from now on.
Okay, sorry.

Oh, yeah, DJ, DJ, DJ, DJ, DJ.

Sister, you were the director?

Let's be honest. I mean, I could have
gotten rid of you after the first

okay? I mean, truthfully, I direct
myself.

Oh, gosh.

Golly, that's... Oh, hello, darling. You
know, in these trying times, I'm trying

everything to save money. You know what
they say. If at first you don't succeed,

throw the biatch down the stairs.

But they also say, try, try again.

So this time I figured, if Roger Corman
and his brother Gene can produce a movie

for a hundred bucks, why the hell can't
I host one for the same amount?

I mean, just look at this overhead.

Um, Bobby, no, no, down here, down here,
lower, the budget.

Tatering, really?

I mean, since when did we get tatering?

Okay, that's it. Movie Macabre is
tightening its little dagger class belt.

And speaking of low budget, this movie
we're showing tonight is the no frills,

no thrills, Corman Schlock Kroc, Beast
from Haunted Cave.

I mean, this movie is so cheap. How
cheap is it?

It's so cheap, there isn't a beast or a
haunted cave.

I mean, this movie is so cheap. How
cheap is it?

IMDb has it listed as that movie with
those people in it.

telling you this movie is so cheap. How
cheap is it? Why it's so cheap they

couldn't afford the word the.

It's just Beast from Haunted Cave.

This movie is so cheap.

I said, this movie is so cheap.

Oh yeah, great. I laid off the snarky
talkback guys.

Well, at least I kept the rimshot guy
on.

Hopefully he won't mind working for a
reduced rate.

Oh, well, stick around, darling. The new
lean and mean movie macabre is coming

at you with that movie with those people
in it.

How'd it come out?

Not bad.

I

got

one

more shot to get.

Up here.

Get your skis and meet me at the lift.

Always does what?

Whatever he wants. Yes, sir, Mr.
Alexander Wood is a very capable judge.

Don't you, uh, ever get thirsty?

Not at ten in the morning.

Well, it was exactly at ten a .m. that
Mr. Martini invented the olive.

That was terrific.

Just terrific.

Feels just like your...

flying and you could keep on going
forever.

What a perfectly delightful idea.

So, still ready?

Still. Are you ready for the Olympics
yet?

Just so you really ought to try it. It's
a brand new feeling. You mean I missed

one? Had enough for today?

Yes, Joe.

I'm expecting Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones.

They've been out seeing the sights.

I hope the sights are tied down.

Mr. Jones and Mr.

Smith want to take a lesson today?

Yes, I think... They'll probably be
wanting to take one all night.

Well, I doubt that.

There's a cougar on a rampage in this
area.

I think I'd be frightened with you
around.

Mr. Jackson looks as though he could
take care of anything, doesn't he,

Happiness Lodge.

Your place is well named, Gil.

Thanks. I like it. Mighty hard place to
get to, though.

I like that, too.

I bet you are hard to get to.

Hi, boss.

Have a good time? Good enough, boss.

Boy, this place is great.

We went through a barn full of horses,
and we took Polaroid pictures of people

skiing and fishing.

Oh, yeah, and we found a mine.

Gypsy and I are going back to the lodge.

I think it might be a good idea for you
two to stay up here and let Mr. Jackson

show you the ropes.

He'll need one to hold him up.

They'd better learn if we're going to
make that cross -country run tomorrow.

Drop by the last later. I'd like to take
a look at those pictures. Right, boss.

Let's go, Chippewa.

What are you trying to do?

Make that yokel suspicious?

Did I do something wrong, my friend?

Someday I'm going to shut that pretty
little mouth of yours for good.

Promises. Nothing but promises.

Well, it's fine.

It's not doing very well.

It's just a matter of practice.

We'll get plenty of that tomorrow in the
cross country.

Listen, Gil, when you make that turn,
how do you do that thing you told us

about?

You've been doing pretty well. Yeah?

It's a question of getting your weight
distributed over the seas in the right

way. You okay if I leave the shuttle
tomorrow?

I'll wear the boots.

That'll be fine.

Is that your dog? Yes.

He's half mine.

Will he bite me if I pet him? No, he's
very affectionate.

Well, they say a dog always mirrors his
master.

Co -master.

Oh, excuse me, co -master.

What's your name?

Jill. Oh, how do you do?

My name's Jack.

Oh, really?

No, I was only kidding. It's Marty.

How long have you been here?

All my life.

No, I mean here at the ski shop.

I started this year.

You've never skied before?

Oh, yeah, I've skied. I'm just, you
know, kind of brushing up.

It's funny. Every time I look at you, I
smile.

Did I tell you I knitted this sweater?

It's a great color.

What is it?

Cedar brown.

Funky color.

Will you knit me one?

You'll have to get in line.

I mean, you like to knit. Is that your
scene?

I like to do things with my hands.

Lucky death.

I'm going to take up painting when I get
the nerve.

You know, all you have to do is to start
painting.

But I don't know anything about it.

Well, you don't have to know anything
about it.

All you have to do is to do it.

Well, who knew anything when they first
started painting?

What if it's bad?

It's not bad or good. If it's what you
like to do, do it.

Really? I wish I had known that about
six years ago. I wanted to do something,

but I was afraid.

You shouldn't smoke, you know. It's bad
for your lungs.

How old are you?

I don't like to tell.

How old do you think I am?

Twenty.

Nineteen. How old are you?

How old do you think I am? Forty -two.

Twenty -five.

Twenty -seven.

Uh, you're not married, are you?

No. Would you like to have dinner?

I don't know you.

Have you got a boyfriend?

No.

I have to cook dinner every night for my
brother.

Well, that's okay. I'll give him a
quarter to go to the movies.

Hi, Gil.

I see you've met Mr. Jones. Call me
Marty.

Hi, Gil.

Vincent's my brother.

Well, I think I'd better give him a
buck.

I'm taking Mr. Jones and his friends on
a cross -country trip to the cabin

tomorrow.

We'll be leaving pretty early in the
morning, so you and I will have to go

those orders tonight.

Sorry, Gil.

Sure, Gil.

Jill and Gill, that's kind of cute.

We don't have much imagination around
these parts.

But I guess Gill and Jill is about as
original as Mr. Smith and Mr.

Jones.

So give me a home where the
weightlifters roam, where the rough

and the rugged ones play.

Where there's never a time when it's
giving you up.

Who put removes in this?

Quiet. You don't have to yell.

I said shut up.

Mitch is okay, boss?

gotten some more of the mine area.

What's the vault like?

A cracker box with an iron door.

Fine.

Well, boys, I think we got a classic
going here.

Marty, tonight you're going to go up and
plant the charges in the mine, right?

Right -o.

Tomorrow morning at 8 .30, Gypsy is
going to take the cowboy up on the ski

to get him out of the way.

At 9 o 'clock, the mine blows.

Everybody runs to see the disaster.

It'll look big.

Then we move into the administration
building, make the heist, grab the

ski lift, and meet the other two at the
top for the trip.

Simple. Simple as you, little boy.

So then we wait at Jackson's cabin until
Tassler shows up with the plane, right?

Right.

Hello, Gil.

Hi.

How are the leg muscles?

Oh, they're a little sore, but I think
they're going to be all right. Good.

Say, I need about $20 for supplies.

Marty?

I'd like you to reconsider taking this
cross -country run.

It's two days to the cabin. If anything
happens, we're out of luck.

Well, don't worry. If Byron breaks a
leg, we can always shoot him.

Hiya, Jackson.

Did you get that cougar?

Well, not yet, Miss Bulette.

I'll see you later. Won't you have a
drink with us?

Mr. Jackson has to get things ready for
the trip tomorrow.

We'd like to leave between 8 and 8 .30.

Is that all right, Gil?

That's fine.

I'll see you later.

People like that really exist?

Not for you, Charles.

Not for me, Charles, because I'm with
you, Sam.

You said it, Jane.

Hey, that's my motto, too.

Get all the happy little people enjoying
their freedom.

Do -si -do and round we go.

What kind of freedom is that?

They're all tied down to their petty
little futures.

It'd be nice to have a future, even a
petty little one.

What's bugging you, Charles?

Don't you like the setup anymore?

Anymore has been a long time.

What's wrong? Nothing's changed.

Maybe I have, Charles.

What's with your friends?

They're spending.

Scotch on the rocks, three bourbons with
branches, one daiquiri and two gin

fizzes. Hi, Gil.

Hi, Natalie.

I think I feel like a little dance.

Just stay put, Charles.

Whoops.

Whee!

Howdy, cowboy.

Howdy, yourself.

Where's Natalie?

She was here a minute ago.

Come on, nature boy, I want to dance.

Wait a minute. What goes on behind that
big, silent face of yours?

Nothing clever enough to interest you,
I'm afraid.

Well, we don't have to be clever all the
time.

I can talk about the important things,
like nature.

What do you think of nature, Gil?

I guess it's pretty natural.

Do you have a girl?

Two or three.

Well, I don't think that's enough.

Oh, hey there.

I'll just keep that for later.

I didn't know it was time for break.

I fired the cute guy.

And I have no idea what I'm supposed to
say because I fired the prompter guy.

I figure I'll just wing it. You know,
I'm funny. I mean, I've been doing this

shtick for years.

Oh,

have you heard the one about the rabbi,
the priest, and Frankenstein?

Oh, yeah, okay. Sorry.

I fired the writer, too.

He was bleeding me dry anyway.

I mean, how hard is it to write boob
jokes, okay?

All he had to do was watch all my own
crap on the Internet and recycle it.

And with the money I'm going to save
from paying him, I'm going on a shopping

spree at the 99 -cent store.

Anyway, we'll be right back to Beast
from Haunted Cave after this.

Oh, hello, darling. It's me, the bra
behind the candelabra.

You know, I figured one candle is as
good as 50, right? I mean, my paraffin

budget was getting ridiculous.

In fact, most of my efforts just ended
up in a big gooey pile on the floor.

Yo, I'm talking about the candle wax.

Sheesh. So, in a way to cha -chain in my
cha -ching, I'll have to make do with

only one lowly flame in my life.

Oh, well, except for the thousands who
subscribe to my website and fan club.

Oh, I kid.

I kid because I love.

Mm.

Hey, what's that in there?

Part of the broken boot knife.

Oh, yeah?

Let's go take a look.

Nothing to see this time of night.

Sides.

It's kind of spooky in the dark.

And there's been this big cat around.

Well, this, uh, maybe it'll take care of
any little, uh, pussycats.

How come you pack a gun?

Well, Gil Jackson told me about the
cougar.

I want to take a look. Come on.

What are you going to do now?

I've never seen a gold mine before. I
want to take a look.

Come on.

You have a big ball down there? Yeah,
you actually have two.

Is that pretty blonde woman your wife?

She's my boss's secretary.

Oh, I get it.

She sure can do her share of drinking.

You sure can do your share of talking.

Stop what?

Staring at him.

Staring at who?

The cowboy.

I'm not staring at the cowboy.

I'm staring at the days of blind dates
and bobby socks.

Chocolate malls.

Have you seen Natalie?

No. The dark -haired girl that serves
drinks here.

I used to be a dark -haired girl.

I'm still serving.

Whoa, that's deep.

She was here an hour ago.

Sorry, I can't help you.

I am not myself.

You told me nothing.

I told you.

Did you set the charges?

At nine o 'clock?

What's bugging you?

You killed that good -looking chick.

What chick?

Natalie.

You mean the girl that works in the bar?

You took that girl...

What happened to him?

Stupid idiot.

I know all that.

He took the barmaid to the mine and
somehow managed to let her get knocked

Knocked off?

She's dead?

The dark cat girl?

I don't know.

Maybe the cougar got her.

It wasn't any cougar.

I saw this thing and I saw this egg
right down in the shaft where I planted

charge.

Alex, how are you going to blow up that
mine tomorrow?

At nine o 'clock.

That means that you and Nature Boy will
be at the top of the ski lift at 8 .30.

I'm going to blow up that mine and kill
all those people.

Alex, you're not even a mass murderer.

Tomorrow's Sunday, nobody works.

You all set for the big adventure?

You certainly look bright and shiny this
morning.

You expecting maybe a hangover?

Certainly not a girl from a soap
commercial.

Good morning.

Is it that time already?

You were the one that said eight.

That must have been out of my mind. I
just checked on Marty and Byron. They're

still out.

Look, why don't you two go on up to the
ski lift?

The boys and I will have breakfast and
join you later.

No last chance to talk you out of this?

What are the state police doing way up
here?

Oh, Natalie, the cocktail waitress took
off last night. Hasn't been seen since.

Oh, I see.

Well, look, why don't you two get
started and we'll join you in about half

hour, okay? Okay. We'll be there.

Shall we all?

Jerry Whitney!

When do you get to the top?

It's starting.

The worst part of the trip's over.

Thanks for the lift.

Where do we go from here?

That's where we came from and where we
should be heading back.

That's the way to my cabin.

Wow. Look at all that gold.

Hey, can we take more than six?

Do it, please. That's all we can handle.

Well, what do you think of me?

What do you mean?

Well, this is the first time you've seen
me sober, isn't it?

I'm paid to teach people how to ski, not
to think about them.

I'm always making scenes like that one
last night.

Don't you ever make scenes, Gil? I try
not to.

Well, you don't have to. You can go away
to your cabin and burrow in the snow.

Some people have all the luck.

I think you make your own luck.

I know you're wrong.

Your luck makes you.

I was your lucky one, and look what it
did.

Got a cigarette?

Come on.

Getting cold?

I got 64 % antifreeze in my veins.

You talk like a faded woman regretting a
mis -spent life.

Well...

Here

goes the roller coaster!

Here goes the roller coaster!

Woo -hoo!

All righty!

How old are you, Gail?

You like to ski.

You like to be alone.

Things about the same for you as they
were ten years ago, right?

Pretty much.

Ten years ago, I was 16.

Ten million years ago.

You must have done a lot.

I've done everything.

So I have my whole life ahead of me.

And yours is all used up.

Not quite.

Here comes the rest of mine on that
chairlift.

Let's go.

Hail, hail, gangs all year.

Are you sure you know what you're in
for?

This cross -country ski run is something
I've been dreaming about ever since I

was a little kid.

When were you ever a little kid,
Charles?

Everybody stick close and follow my
lead.

Okay, gal. Here we go.

Here for the night.

Go to places we're going to find.

I've never been so tired in all my life.

Not me.

I feel wonderful.

I got just the thing to fix you up.
Yeah, what?

We need fireworks.

What's wrong with you?

We're being followed.

What?

I've been feeling it on the back of my
neck all day.

and save many a trapper and prospector.

Ah, yes, it'll be a house -teagling from
an old prospector.

What about that wood?

Well, I'll tell you.

If I can get up here, the spirit's
willing.

Oh, man.

Well, stay put.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

And while I'm gone, you can start
packing.

What's he to you?

You better forget that girl.

I'm not thinking about her. What are you
thinking about? The thing that got her.

Now, it saw me, and it means to get me.

And that's what's been following us.

You're a bundle of cheer.

You better snap out of it fast, smart
boy. Yeah, sure. You know, day after

tomorrow, Tasha's going to come out here
with a ski plane, and we're off to

Canada to spurn her loose.

You knock off the funny talk with
nature, boy.

Can't stop me from talking.

Don't tempt me.

Well, welcome back, darling. Tonight on
Movie Macabre, we're showing Beast from

Haunted Cave, the movie that couldn't
afford a real title.

And since the Corman bros got this puppy
off the ground for a song, I decided to

try to scale back my show to save a few
bucks.

Now, this is typically the part of the
movie where I give you a quick witty

recap, but I fired my writer, so I'm
going to just try to do this from

okay? Okay, so there's these gangsters,
you see, and they decide to pull off

this heist in the middle of ski season.

No, I don't know why, so.

But if you ask me, I mean, the robbery
in the winter is a dumb idea anyway.

I mean, your hands get cold, your ears
get cold, and okay. I mean, if you're

wearing ski masks, that makes, like,
total sense.

But these guys strike me more as the
meh, meh, meh, muggsy type, you know,

the gangster, than the, you know, the
this is a stick -up kind of gangster.

And then his mall, who's like this 2 o
'clock lush, is like, yeah, I hear

there's a cougar. Did you find a cougar?
Where's the cougar?

And the guy's like, oh, I'm going to
smack you in the mouth, you see?

Yeah, and then she's all like, I'm Jill.
And he's all like, I'm Jack. And then

he's all, not really.

Wouldn't that have been funny? And she's
like, not really.

So they decide to blow up a cave and
distract everyone from the robbery.

And like, okay, if you want a
distraction, I mean, that's all well and

I mean, blow up a cave? Like, yeah,
that's going to really end well. I mean,

like, what if there's a bear in there?
Like, you're going to kill a poor

hibernating bear?

God, how dare you?

So anyway, they blow up the cave and
it's all distraction.

No, all distraction, not all this
action.

That's where we are.

Halfway to go.

Let's get back to the movie.

Nothing. Go back to sleep.

Why don't you turn in? I'll take the
rest of your watch.

Nobody takes my watch.

I've still got two hours left to go and
I don't want to be a burden on anybody.

Finish your watch and I'm going back to
the sack.

Anybody that wants this bad watch has
got to be a kook.

I'm going back to sleep before the next
thrilling episode.

Are you sure you're all right? I don't
mind. I told you I'll take the watch.

Look at this.

What is it?

Some kind of tracks.

I've never seen anything like it before.

Must have passed through here during the
night.

You were on guard last night. What
happened?

Nothing you can handle.

What kind of an answer is that?

You were on guard all last night. Did
you see something or didn't you?

What I saw, you wouldn't believe.

Look, I'm getting sick and tired of
this. What did you see last night?

Nothing. Maybe I can help you to
remember.

Oh, that would be nice.

We could take turns sitting up with him
and his friend.

Come on, Alex. Let's go.

I told you we'd make it, Gil. It was
mostly downhill.

So what?

What about the return trip?

It looked like a nice place. Maybe we'll
stay.

We should head back before dawn if we're
going to make a campsite by nightfall.

Tomorrow?

Oh, isn't that the idea?

Well, Gil, we're all a little tired.

Couldn't we stay over a day and rest?

That's fine with me.

I'd like you to meet my housekeeper.
Help! Massacre!

Help!

Does anyone think he's funny?

As I was starting to say, I'd like you
to meet my housekeeper, Smalldub.

How do you do, Smalldub?

How do you do? You'll have to forgive my
son. His head was run over by a horse

last night.

About time for a shower.

Say, Gil, tell me something. How much
land you got here?

Oh, about 20 acres.

Does this lake get pretty solidly frozen
over?

Yeah, it's pretty frozen, but I wouldn't
try walking on it.

Hey, Gil, how much money can you make as
a ski instructor?

Well, you can't make as much money here
as you could at a place like Aspen.

I could buy.

Will you make enough money to live on
and be happy?

Well, sure.

You can't base happiness on the amount
of money you're making.

Well, I'm not knocking money, but there
are other things.

Besides, I got this property and a ski
shop.

Well, basically, you do pretty good.

That works out okay.

And nobody's your boss.

Well, nobody tells me what to do, if
that's what you mean.

Well, don't you have to keep pushing?

Don't you feel like taking it easy?

Well, I like what I'm doing.

I think that's about as easy as you can
take it.

We better go on in. Small does probably
got dinner ready.

I think I know why Byron eats like that.
Why is that?

He has to keep himself stuffed to
prevent his brain from slipping down his

throat into his stomach.

Now let's pause for a brief look at the
news.

The biggest story to hit the Black Hills
since the murder of Wild Bill Hickok

was Sunday's sensational robbery at the
Broken Boot Mine in Deadwood.

What?

Authorities believe the bandits could
not have left the vicinity by the single

daily train and therefore must be hiding
out somewhere in the area.

Police also believe that the
simultaneous mine explosion in which

Leonard Wilsey lost his life was in some
way connected with the robbery, perhaps

as a diversion.

In a moment, the weather.

Can you beat that?

It must have happened right after we
left.

Yes, we'd have heard about it. The
weatherman says snow and heavy overcast

dead within lead all day Tuesday, with
strong winds Wednesday, possibly

Thursday. And now, back to... Gil, will
the weather be the same here as it is in

town? Just about.

I hope it clears for the trip back.

Better clear tomorrow.

Why tomorrow?

We're staying here, remember?

Well, so much for sober.

I hope I'm sharp enough.

What do you do up here on these long
winter nights, Gil?

Read, mostly.

What kind of stuff?

Sometimes I just flip open the
encyclopedia.

Something interesting on almost every
page.

Oh, BW.

Before Wikipedia.

And the cutout and make the big city.

What for?

Well, let's live it.

Really?

I went to San Francisco once.

I was there for about a week.

I think I saw just about everything
there was to see in that length of time.

Didn't like it?

No, it was wonderful.

There's something about these mountains
and trees, wind.

Makes everything else kind of
insignificant.

Well, I guess it takes all kinds.

It's your turn, mountain man.

Man, man. Mountain, mountain, mountain,
mountain, mountain. I think you're

lovely.

Marty, drop it! Marty, put that away!

Everything over?

Please forgive my outburst, Gil.

I'm afraid I have a bad temper.

I can't say much for any of you.

Nice going.

Don't step out of line, cowboy.

For the moment, you're a guest here.

I'll thank you to keep your hands off
Miss Paulette.

I'll treat my secretary any way I feel
like it.

You can keep your nose out of it.

Unless you want a .38 caliber nose job.

Where are you going?

It'll be fun taking care of that joker.
Nothing moves till the plane gets here.

And I'll take care of him myself.

You're not doing anything. You can go
outside and build a fire.

Keep it going.

Just in case that idiot Tassinger tries
to come in ahead of the storm.

Gypsy?

Thanks for the big try, Galahad.

Fortunately, I do that sort of thing all
the time.

Alex had a perfect right to slap me.

Maybe I'll kill him someday, but I can't
blame him for being sore.

Why don't you get out?

That's what I keep telling myself.

But I know I'll never have the guts.

I've become part of Alex.

Maybe a sick part, but a permanent one.

What are you really afraid of?

I was an underpaid model in a wholesale
house.

And I met Alex.

He was young and loaded.

I liked the way he pushed me around.

I liked it then.

And now it's too late to go back.

And I don't know if I really want to go
back.

I don't know what I want.

But I know I'd rather have Alex than
nothing at all.

You're selling yourself short.

Well, there's a lot of supply and
demand, mister.

And I don't hear any bidders.

Maybe I can let it go for tonight.

There's something out there.

Welcome back, darling. Do not attempt to
adjust your set.

Nope, you are not watching the Jersey
Shore.

This is my favorite piece of 7 -inch
plastic.

Me. It's my fantastic new action figure.

In stores everywhere right now or go
online.

You know, I thought the likeness was so
good, I figured, hell, I don't even have

to pay myself.

We'll be right back to more of the snow
and the spider with Beast from Haunted

Cave right after this.

Oh, welcome back, my little penny
pinchers. You know, here's me climbing

the ladder of success.

Whoa.

You know, I figure lighting, golf. I
mean, we, like, need a whole team to

the set. Come on. One or two properly
placed fixtures will do me just fine.

Well, as long as it's getting my good
side, stick around. There's more

illuminating experiences as Movie
Macabre returns with Beast from Haunted

right after this.

Hey, take it easy, huh?

Sorry, baby, I'm not going tonight in
gas.

These backwoods stations have any news
during the night?

Why are you so concerned with the news?
It affects business.

There's a threat of war.

People stop buying... What the hell is
he wearing?

What's it to you?

In a moment, the weather.

Which leads them to believe they are
still in the area. There are no further

clues. On the weather picture, forecast
has warned that the new low moving in

from Canada will bring blizzards to
portions of the Dakotas sometime before

Wednesday noon.

In other parts of the country...
Blizzards?

What's your worry?

It might not come anywhere near here.

Meanwhile, we can take it easy.

Or are you in a hurry to get somewhere?

What's that supposed to mean?

Just a question.

There you go, all fixed up.

Thanks, Janice. Huh?

Hot milk and graham crackers.

For me?

You were very brave.

Never better.

It was a pretty dumb stunt you pulled.

I pulled it on my own time.

What time?

You've got a 24 -hour day job. Yeah?

Well, my business with that baby outside
is strictly personal.

The most personal thing that's ever
happened to me.

So far.

Any more questions?

Yeah, why am I watching this movie?

How many people do you have working for
you in Chicago?

About 200.

Why?

You must have quite a turnover.

Looking for Tessa?

He won't try to make it with a storm
coming up.

Doesn't make any difference anyway.

You should try it sometime.

Okay, give me the axe.

Probably chop your leg off.

Oh, it's a leg one way or the other.

Well, it wouldn't matter if it was just
any old leg.

I didn't think you'd notice.

Kill, I'm beginning to understand how
you feel about this place.

Comfortable and warm.

At night, I like to listen to the wind
trying to get in.

Think it ever will?

Not while I've got two hands to hold it
back.

Gil, they're going to kill you.

You don't seem very surprised.

How did they figure to get out of here?

There was a plane coming. It was due
this morning.

Probably delayed by the weather.

Then we were going to go to Canada.

We're going?

I would like to stick around if you'd
have me.

I haven't really thought about it.

Not true.

Well, maybe not completely.

Well, I didn't know anything about that
killing until I heard it over the radio.

You don't know me, and I don't know you
at all.

You got it in your mind you want to
return to nature, and I'm part of it.

But what happens when you get bored?

How do you know what I think?

I don't know.

I wish I did.

I know one thing for sure.

I'm sending Small Dove back to her
relatives.

And I'm heading back to blow the whistle
on your friends.

If you still want to come along, meet me
between 6 and 6 .30 on the ridge where

we first saw the cabin.

Okay, what is he wearing? Who the hell
did the costumes for this thing?

Strong -looking woman, that small dove.

Big vulture.

Too bad we have to kill her.

Why knock her out?

I kind of like that at the old bar.

Fantastic, huh? She goes.

Along with Marty and the cowboy.

Marty sure is flip.

He's dangerous.

You really think he saw something?

Yeah, pink snowman.

Hey, boss, I found it. Found what?

The Cougar's cave.

More than 50 people paid their last
respects to Leonard Wilsey, who was

tragically killed in the mine explosion
last Sunday.

And that's the news up to 5 o 'clock.

Where's David Crockett?

He went hunting.

Hunting at night?

Left about four hunting a deer.

That's great.

When was the last time we had venison,
Alex?

Two years ago at the Key Club.

The Key Club?

Chicago.

You can only afford venison on your
birthday, Alex.

Out here, all it takes is a sense of
nature and a strong hand on the trigger.

We're running off at the mouth tonight.

Why don't you drink and get fractured?

Be normal.

What did we do on my birthday that year,
Alex?

You don't remember?

When is my birthday, Alex?

Can't remember?

Well, that year we spent my birthday in
Florida.

Pulled a bankroll robbery at the Miami
Fireworks Company.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

Killed two birds with one stone.

Got 150 grand and put the southern
competition out of business.

Many happy returns.

You're acting mighty peculiar tonight.

What are we going to do after this job,
Alex?

Oh, same thing we always do. Why?

I've got an idea. Why not retire?

Retire? You're a rich man, Alex.

You've picked the bones of a thousand
boobs who haven't had enough money to

catch their eye.

You don't have to take chances anymore.

Why not quit?

You're a rich man, Charles.

And you're living high because of... I
picked the bones of a thousand boobs and

I'll pick the bones of a thousand more
because they are boobs.

And they deserve exactly what they get.

That old man deserved what he got.

Every day, some old man steps in front
of the car.

I'll send flowers, but I'll never quit.

Well, that's that.

Here's a late highway warning. The west
side of Strawberry Canyon Road is now

closed and will be for at least another
hour.

Motorists are again warned not to drive
unless absolutely necessary.

I guess it was.

And now a request for Mrs. Bertie Arnold
in Deadwood from the Music Memory

Album.

Where are you going, Charles?

For a walk, Charles.

Follow him.

Hey, boss, I just figured it out.

It's Pa.

What's Pa?

He's against the wall.

It's been driving me crazy.

All right, get out of here.

Where's she going?

To be away.

I've got to follow her.

No, you stay with me.

Hey, sweetheart. This ain't no time for
romance.

Are you hungry?

Look, sweetheart.

I've got to follow her. The boss told me
to.

Thanks for coming.

You really mean that?

I usually mean what I say.

How do you know I'm not just trying to
save my own skin?

It would be easier for you to tell Alex
and let him finish me.

It would have been easier, but it would
have been impossible.

Better get started before the blizzard.

A long way back.

Snap out of it, Byron. Snap out of it.

I see that you gentlemen have changed
your ideas about my eyesight. Shut up.

It got smaller.

Well, maybe it'll be satisfied with it.
Not by a long shot.

It knows who it's after.

We've got to do something.

We'll do nothing but stay put.

It hasn't tried to get into the cabin
yet.

As a matter of fact, it ran from us. It
didn't run from us. It ran from the fire

that Byron threw at us. Well, it doesn't
make any difference what chased it

away.

We're out of our job. We can't afford to
have any nightmares. Okay, okay.

I never saw such an animal.

What is it?

I saw pieces of an egg.

In the mine.

Where it got Natalie.

Now, that could have been buried there
for millions of years until the men

working on the mine found it.

I don't care what it is. I don't care if
it chews up the whole state.

I don't care if it came from Mars or
happened by spontaneous combustion.

We're going to Canada with a load of
gold, so forget it!

It'll get us.

It'll get nothing.

It got small, though.

Probably get Gypsy, too.

Gypsy?

Where is she?

I saw her leaving on her skis.

Cowboy didn't come back yet, either.

Gypsy and the cowboy.

They deserve each other.

Where do you think they went?

Probably went back to town.

I'm going to get some soup.

Should probably tell him about the
robbery.

I'll get the skis ready.

We'd never catch him now.

What are we going to do?

I'll probably run into that blizzard
pretty soon.

And I'll either have to hold up or turn
back.

There's a giant cave right near here.

That's the only place they can't hold
up.

How do you know about the cave?

That's where I follow the... cougar.

That's right.

Can we beat the storm?

Not a chance.

We'll have to turn back.

I knew it was too good to be true.

I knew I'd never get away.

Now, don't worry.

We're not whipped yet.

I know of a haunted cave not far from
here.

If you're not afraid of ghosts, we'll
wait there till the storm blows over.

Any time your broomstick is ready.

Hey, Byron, knock it off.

Meathead, I'm hungry.

Can't hear you, boss.

Why not?

He left?

Huh?

Where would that imbecile go? Watch
where you're pointing that thing.

Don't ask me, boss.

Maybe he's chasing that Indian squaw.

You know, Jackson told me that the Black
Hills is a sacred Indian country.

Heat bad medicine for evil men from
foreign lands.

You must have heard we were coming.

We don't need Byron.

I don't think we need anybody.

Boy, right about now I'd like to lay off
the guy who picked this movie.

Oh yeah, it was me.

I hate that guy.

Well, I'm stuck with it now. Might as
well get through it.

This movie is so cheap.

How cheap is it?

It's so cheap, I couldn't find any
interesting factoids online to fill up

in between the breaks.

We'll be right back with more of nothing
special when Beast from Hanukkah

returns.

You're on movie macabre.

Welcome back, darling. It's me, that
dolly with the huge rack who's here to

bad movies and focus on the fun stuff.
The chick who's here to servo your every

need. Elvira, mistress of the dark.

What do you think of my camera guy
lingo?

You know, I dug deep down into my soul
and I realized I just didn't need Bobby

the camera guy anymore.

I mean, I... I could just push that
little red button and then run back over

here to the couch.

Anything extra we can just fix in post.

Oh, if I hadn't fired the editor.

Deacon! Yes?

Oh, good.

Oh, nothing, nothing. Just making sure
you're still there.

Well, there's more madcap adventures
with those crazy gangsters and that

spider.

Sorry,

darlings. I just saw the monitor over
there.

Hold on just one second, please.

There, that should do it.

Oh, for pity's sake.

Well, who knows? This may get those half
-asleep channel surfers out there.

Let's get back to more breaths from a
beast from Haunted Cave right after

Go back.

Go back.

I've come to help you.

You can't help now.

I've got to work fast.

Is she still alive?

Yes, but she has no mind.

I used to be a cowboy to leave these
things laying around.

What are they?

Vary pistols.

What are they for?

They're used to fire fliers.

They can be seen from miles away.

They're not going to signal anybody.

Well, we can use them to light the cave,
can't we?

Okay.

We still got a chance.

Marty's coming.

He knows the monster's here.

He's gonna get it.

It's sucking the blood!

OMG, it's cousin it.

How did they know?

I made a very good guess.

Stay here.

Be careful, Gary.

Where's the cowboy?

Help me.

I'll take care of both of you.

He told me to go with him.

So that's how it was.

He did that without a gun.

Let's take it.

You lead the way and no tricks.

painful lesson tonight.

I learned that unions are real.

But I also learned that I can't pull
this off myself.

I need to help lots of people to pull
this off. Why, everyone needs to reach

and lend a hand to help me pull all of
this off.

I mean the show, the show, you animal.

Hey,

you, Bobby, Bobby, get your ass behind
the camera. We are going from retired to

rehired. Light those candles, Camille.

Paige, touch up.

Ted, write me a witty remark.

Pat, put it on the prompter.

Where's the catering guy?

Catering? And DJ, direct me. I'm ready
for my close -up.

Not that close. Jeez.

Ted, did you write that?

Well, there you have it. Movie Macabre
is a team effort, and there is no I in

team. Because then it would be...

T -I -M.

So, till next time, darling.

Unblessed dreams!